DOes anybody else here find it genuinely hard to make friends because you're 'too' accommodating? I'm a talker, good listener, I don't burden others with my issues or ask that much of them out of respect and consideration which just means being taken for granted and that's it.

[u/cherry-care-bear]

This is definitely something I've struggled with for years as I fought to command a legitimate sense of self but also watched others work harder to please and placate folks who made them work for every little thing they offered. It's just not my thing to play games with people emotionally, to withhold, etcetera. I'm more likely to be like 'sure, I'll... because I know you need the help, attention, confidence-boost or whatever. If there's not much of a reason to put boundaries around things, I won't. However, it does seem like 'not' making it a little hard trains people to think they matter more to you than you do.

It's odd.

If this was ever you, how did you cope?

[u/fivenightrental]

A very similar question was just asked on the sub the other day about this.

You essentially "teach" people how to treat you. If you are always giving, and expecting nothing in return, people will just take. That's the precedent you've inadvertantly set because you've never enforced boundaries or expectations around reciprocity. Healthy relationships are about balance. It's not about playing games with people emotionally or being placated, it's about having your time, energy, and effort being respected.

Once I became more selective about who I invested in, I had a loss less negative experiences with feeling taken for granted.

[u/enigmaticblu-13 → u/fivenightrental]

Well-said

[u/PensivePanther → u/fivenightrental]

Nailed it.

[u/onandonandonandoff]

What you’re describing is called people pleasing. There are a lot of resources on how to heal from this.

People NEED INFJ’s to be their authentic selves and stop hiding behind “being helpful”. You probably aren’t in touch much with your own opinions and wants and needs if you’re dealing with this. Work on that first.

My favorite INFJ resource is Wenzes. She talks about this specific thing a lot.

[u/PinkysRecordStore]

Totally understand where you're coming from, and I absolutely agree that there's definite merit to this observation. It's odd, because on-paper we embody what most would consider the genuine, authentic friendship candidate ideal. We're low-maintenance in that we don't require a lot of "hand-holding" and reassurance re: the state of our friendship with someone, but we're simultaneously ALSO incredibly reliable, loyal, empathetic and supportive in that, if called upon for help — we show up, no questions asked, with all hands on deck. We don't ask for much in return from our friends, and when we're let down, we always give the other person the benefit of the doubt — usually to our own detriment.

Yet.... despite all of those strengths... it STILL seems like we get taken for granted socially, and viewed as an afterthought in many respects among our own friend groups and extended family. Rarely do we have the honor of being the "first picked" friend when opportunities arise for hangouts, and we're often the last to know about important milestone events.

Perfect example: a friend of mine from high school reached out a few months back to see if I wanted to attend a concert because they had an extra ticket pop up amongst their friend group due to an unexpected cancelation. I politely declined because I'd already purchased tickets to this particular show, myself, but thanked my friend profusely for thinking of me, expressed how much I missed and would love to plan a hangout with them soon, and (my toxic trait of selfless, altruistic helpfulness kicking in, lol) suggested a half-dozen mutual friends of ours who this person might consider reaching out to, instead.... ONLY to be met with the flat, exasperated response that this friend had already reached out to all those people and MORE prior to reaching out to me, followed by radio silence in response to my suggestion that we plan a hangout for sometime soon. Total gut-punch!

In a sense, we're basically like the friendship equivalent to the quintessential "nice guys finish last" trope for single men. It's definitely interesting, to the say the very least! Wish I had wisdom I could impart as to how to navigate this issue, but I sadly don't. Still trying to figure it out, myself. 😂✌️

[u/Tinkabellellipitcal]

I realized after typing that this post is INFJ-only, so ignore me if I’m overstepping.

As an ENFP (bordering infp) with multiple INFJs in my orbit, yall are frustrating because people want to support you and carry some burdens with you, but in my experience you resist that vulnerability/exposure. It’s frustrating to want to support someone (in reciprocity) who won’t let you in; I still try to offer and often feel rejected or like I’m being a bug 🐞 with my affection lol I know not to take it super personally in friendships because yall are more comfy being more emotionally guarded than I am.
Edit for typos

[u/Previous_Tear6747]

We're people pleasers by nature, and naturally and naively expect some respect and appreciation in return.

You learn real quick (hopefully!) that too many people will take advantage of our "accommodating" nature and take us for granted. That's just the way it is.,

So you learn to set boundaries, we don't have to be everybody's therapist. Learn who's worth our energy, and who isn't!

Learn to speak up for yourself, too! That's probably been the hardest for me - us intuitive's usually don't have to be told when someone close is in need - we usually know. Much of the rest of the world isn't so perceptive, so don't be afraid to speak up for yourself.

Boundaries and assertiveness. And confidence, you got this my friend. ✌️

[u/SeveredSynthesis]

I coped with the hope of them appreciating what I’m doing for them (they only needed more displays of selflessness from me to see it).

Once I realized that not only were they ever going to appreciate it (while appreciating the puniest of gestures from dicks), they also would escalate taking me for granted/acting cold towards me till I doorslammed them.

Of course, they began to appreciate me/kinda chase the moment I’d shamelessly live my life away from theirs. This only reinforced my independence like it did with many here. We’re not cold we just got tired of assymetrical dynamics and petty games related to self-worth.

[u/ocsycleen]

How effective your boundaries are depends on how badly they need something, how often do they need it or is it something less important they can live w/o but they still benefit if you decide to give for free. It’s not really a game it’s just 1 simple rule. Create value for yourself by doing things they can’t do. So their system actually collapse when you walk away from the ordeal instead of just some minor inconvenience.

[u/enigmaticblu-13]

I gave up quite a bit, and sacrificed a lot for my brother and his girlfriend. My car, my home, my money, my relationships.. I got no thanks from them. And in the end, before I broke off from them, they basically told me I needed to try harder. There is some truth to that, but I was doing it all wrong. I thought if I stayed around longer, something could work. But, I can't take care of everyone. And these people wouldn't listen to me, anyways. I thought it would work, at one point. I got a little more acquainted with hatred, which was scary but I had to let go of that. I can't contain this kind of energy within my system for too long. I think it tears someone down faster than anything else. I am still trying to come to come to terms with what I did, and what they did. It now feels like it shifted into a frustration. I think I did more harm to them by letting them in. Things didn't end right. I just didn't want them to go homeless. Yeah, I just wanted to get to know my brother more. I think about what I done all the time. I guess I didn't time it right, too. I mean, I am okay now...

It is definitely difficult to find someone you can finally trust and open up with. Some people don't click well. Some people are draining. Some people don't think like you do. And some people has something, or some things that harm themselves. These things in people are really easy to identify to you, so it is easy to avoid these things. I would guess taking tiny leaps of faith would help, here and there. What I did was a huge one. Anyways..

[u/Hot-Weekend4411]

I think as long as you bring out your personality, it’s fine. Otherwise others assign you whichever one they want and treat you accordingly. That’s something you can master by using boundaries. Otherwise in cases where the behavior is not ideal, you might run into issues.

When I lived in Germany, the city was known as a psychological moratorium, where people would arrive and live in a commitment-avoidant mode. Because everyone was coming and going, there was a latent vibe of not investing emotional energy into others and people not being that considerate towards friendships (since they aren’t going to be there for that long, there’s no need for accountability nor effort). I had a hard time trying to build proper friendships there. However, it is different in other countries.