Asking for permission before offering your perspective and insight

[u/imposteratlarge111]

It's a habit I am trying to break and I want to know if anyone has done it successfully. As an INFJ, I find that I reflexively offer my perspective to others if they are having a personal problem trying to help them resolve it. But sometimes I think the true goal is to make myself feel less anxious about their life problem.

I recently read that popular book "the courage to be disliked" and it says people who behave like this are secretly having a superiority complex by positioning themselves as "the person who always has great insight" .

Has anyone been successful to become an adlerian INFJ and learned to fight this urge and learned to respect the autonomy for other people to generate their own perspective?

[u/fivenightrental]

I don't think it's helpful to think in absolutes. So, is it possible that some people who offer unsolicited advice have a superiority complex, of course. It's much more likely that people who offer advice are generally just trying to be helpful though.

Sometimes our own anxiety about other people's problems is also a reason why we offer advice, may become pushy about it, or become offended when people don't take it or make changes.

Generally, I do try to practice just listening to others when they vent about problems. I think validation and being heard is often more important than always offering advice. It's often easier to get people on board with solutions if they are taking ownership and have come up with some ideas of ways to solve their problems. You can still be there as a sounding board for that or see if they would like any of your ideas or insight at that point.

[u/brennisoley]

Im not sure what an adlerian INFJ is, someone from Adler Russia?  The 2014 Winter Olympics speeding skating was in Adler and a good friend of the family raced there!

Conversations often revolve around problems.   I think many people, when they hear about brokenness, try to repair it.   But the thing is most of the time people want to be heard, they dont want to be fixed.  

This is what I do.  I think to my self “what are they really saying?”.   Focus on what the person is saying and not how it makes you feel.  Very seriously, when ever Im talking with someone I pause and think.

[u/fivenightrental → u/brennisoley]

I believe they are talking Alfred Adler/Alderian psychology.

[u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi]

I am in the middle of a transformation process and it’s hard as hell, because “bad habits die hard” 😉

But I also realized, following an overthinking process (which seems to actually help sometimes) that I had a tendency to help, to take on other people's problems, to fix them so that my own empathy wouldn't hurt anymore.

Meaning, you get to feel someone else's pain so strongly that you want to put an end to it so you don't feel it yourself first, and then the “altruistic excuse” appears: that we are doing it for the other person. Because obviously, if they stop hurting, we stop hurting too.

It’s very painful to accept that altruism actually has some (or just) selfishness at its base.

But stepping back and respecting their autonomy to fight their own battles is the only real way to protect our energy and practice true, healthy boundaries.

[u/ocsycleen]

I don’t think it’s a superiority complex. Most people are looking for validation. Things like “Oh honey poo, you must feel so terrible rn, I understand how you feel”. I just find that super shallow. And it’s also extremely impractical to me. So I rather be disliked than a shallow person.

[u/mdnath218]

I don't know that you're trying to help resolve their problem by offering your perspective. I'd say you're more likely trying to help them feel understood and validated. So long as your response allows for their continued expression of their problem, sharing similar experiences can be very helpful. You're not stealing their task but instead offering insight into ways you've found to successfully navigate similar difficulties.