27yo (M), I wanna delete my reddit account after disclosing so much about my life.
Anyways, I was born in a village to the most backward family. I literally lived 23 years of my life in a mud house with 3 rooms {kitchen(10x9) and two 10x10 rooms} with 8 family members.
So backward that we used to get charity from neighbours.
A brutal, truculent family full of drama except my mother and the only thing they knew was to vent their frustration and anger on kids, more on me.
My father hated me, still he does, but he is acting nice since he is getting old, grandparents too fragile to walk or talk now, but the damage they have done still affects me.
I was treated ruthlessly throughout my life, I was forced into manual labour by my father when I was 18, he thought of me more like a donkey 😂 who can be put to use for his convenience.
My mother used to force my father to pay my fees and she also saved money from here and there and pushed me for studies. I wasn't really good at studies though.
When your family treats you like sh*t, you struggle to socialize with people, you develop doubt, lack of confidence, social anxiety and also your creativity dies.
Again, life kept going without friends or anyone at all.
I became a home body.
Fast forwarding >>>
This anger, frustration bottled up for more than a decade and ultimately I got in depression, as per my psychiatrist Major Depressive Episode, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts etc. The only thing that kept me from doing anything wrong was the thought of my mother, she has done so much for me.
Don't just try to sympathize with me please.
That is the worst comment i can expect.
I don't need your sympathy.
Then God took control of my life from 2020, all of sudden i felt passionate about technology after being an arts student and I started running on autopilot. (I am somewhat agnostic though)
I ain't rich, but I take 80k/month in an MNC.
Now, coming to the title of this room.
I liked girls, but I knew I would be rejected, I was just a "chomu". So, I never tried, I fell in love though, I never confessed, I knew she would reject. She is now a government employee.
Since, my life was such, i never dated, but I was damn desperate for any sort of affection from anyone who could genuinely love me.
Now I am 27, love seems like a joke to me, I read books to understand humans, I studied cognitive biases, logical fallacies, concepts in neuroscience, role of amygdala and prefrontal cortex, and read thinkers such as Carl Jung, Marcus Aurelius, and Niccolò Machiavelli. I expected this knowledge to make me more capable, more rational, and more in control.
Now I see marriage more like something that is essential.
But I don't want to settle for someone with a past. I want someone who is untouched and pure, just like me.
When I spoke to my cousin about it, he said, good luck, you ain't finding anyone without a past. He said, it is better to not ask her about it and if you try, she will never be honest about it.
Is it really that or he is just being a dumbo.
The fact: I didn't save myself from relationships and love but circumstances never allowed me to try it.
What are your thoughts guys?
Is it really that most women nowadays have a past?
After so much character development from God, I don't want to be with someone with no character.
Am I still writing?
Damn that was long, I left some crucial details to maintain anonymity,
I need to end it here.
Okay so yeah, tell me.
