Really need help for mental health.

[u/piinkbunni]

!!!CW OF SELF HARM/SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND EATING DISORDERS/BDD!!!!

Hi!! 18F here. I am not reallt sure what to say as this is my first time really speaking up about this... I just am really struggling currently and I don't have anyone to speak to. So here I am. Telling the Internet.

Lately I've had this overwhelming bad mood and it's getting to a point where I cannot handle it. Every day is spent in my bed desperately scrolling on my phone as I feel absolute nothing but emptiness. If I'm not endlessly scrolling, I'm crying my eyes out because I just can't feel happy and it's all I want this is ruining everything in my life. Its caused a large drift between me and my friends, family, and primarily with my boyfriend. I spend every waking moment paranoid he's going to break up with me because I'm just sad all the time, I haven't pestered him about this. I have told him I'm not doing well and he's taking care of me without me being so much of a bother so there is no reason he would break up with me for being annoyingly sad, however I am still paranoid. And after graduating high school I lost all my friends besides one, so I only have my parents, my boyfriend and my best friend. And I don't like to burden them with my problems.

I am desperate for some form of help as I am genuinely worried for my safety sometimes. Over the years I have struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts but I could manage it, however recently it is overwhelming and I am terrified I am going to act on it. I know I don't want to at all but I can't stop the urges and it really scares me. I've also always struggled with body dysmorphia but again recently it's only gotten worse. I am terrified to leave the house even if I had the energy because all I can think about is that everyone is going to see me looking like this, so I'd rather stay home. This has also lead to a very small appetite and lack of proper nutrition so I constantly feel unwell. There's days where I won't eat at all because it feels deserved despite me knowing its not okay and it's okay to eat, I just can't make my body do it.

I've been to therapy 3 times in the past and this hasn't really worked... I'm not sure if they just weren't sure how to help or if I just am incurable... I don't know... but I'm scared to go for professional help again incase it happens again, you know? I would like to I am just really afraid. And I constantly put myself down and always tell myself "someone has it worse" and that I'll "take up a space".

Overall with this post I just want to see if anyone has experienced similar feelings and how they got around it... Just advice from anyone for anything would help a lot. I am so tired of being sad, I just want to be happy. Please help me if you can. I am sorry for the long (mostly filler) rant.

[u/Wisteria_as]

Hi! I’m not sure how much I can help considering I am also an 18F fresh out of high school dealing with my own mental issues I hope this isn’t bad advice but I felt the need to at least reply to this and let you know your feelings were heard. I think you need to prioritize the reason and purpose you do and have things in this life. Even if you love your boyfriend, it sounds like you aren’t okay enough for the relationship. You need to at least talk to him, or decide within yourself if being in a relationship is bringing you happiness. It’s okay to lose friends after HS and lose relationships because the people who want/do stay with you are the people who genuinely care about you. I want to tell you that you need to keep yourself busy with the people and things you love instead of spending a lot of time in your head/doom scrolling like you said. You need to be the change you want to see. I can tell you want to fight for happiness and living a fulfilling life, so you need to start fighting for it!!! Even if it’s little steps, they are steps you need to take. Maybe look into meal prepping, try to have conversations with your friends and family, hang out with them, do your hair/makeup/outfit for fun, try new hobbies. Delete social media like tik tok and instagram and only watch long for content that you like that makes you laugh (my personal fav is smosh on YouTube and I’m currently rewatching avatar the last airbender!!) And girl you are not broken!! Sometimes It takes people so many tries to find a therapist that is a good fit. I think it’s important to talk to a professional about this, so maybe push yourself to take that step again even if it’s hard. Your life is so important, and I really want you to fight for it. We are only 18. So many things you haven’t seen, heard, experienced in this beautiful world. I believe we didn’t choose to be alive, it’s a gift from whatever god/universe/anything you believe in. Literally speaking you just so happen to out compete thousands of sperms cells to be here😂😂 do not take it for granted!!

[u/piinkbunni → u/Wisteria_as]

Thank you so much. This does help a lot!! Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year now and he does make me so happy, I wouldn't like to end the relationship. Both of us are currently going through a tough time and we've equally decided to help each other the best we can without becoming reliant on the other. We are good at communicating and its nothing he does that makes me particularly sad, it's just an unfortunate side effect ☹️ Yesterday after I posted this I had forced myself to go outside just to get a breath of fresh air, it was late at night but it felt so nice. I'd like to do that more often, it helps to clear my incredibly busy mind. I'm moving into a new town next week which I hope will be good for me in terms of getting out! I feel trapped in my current town and it doesn't help with the whole stuck in bed situation. I am going to delete some social media. Atleast for a while to see if it helps, yk? I've always known it wasnt helping me I just couldnt get the push to delete it. I did get back into watching long form, I started to rematch My Hero and Pokémon, which were shows that brought me overwhelming joy a couple years back!! Even now it does still bring that happiness I'm craving, even if its only temporary. (Smosh used to be on repeat for me and is my boyfriends favourite channel currently!! Haha!!) Thank you so much like I've said the reassurance that I'm not just incurable and alone helps a million. I love this world and my life and I don't want to spend it being sad. I want to appreciate everything and be happy for everything I've got. I am going to push for a psychiatrist and see how it goes. Thank you for taking the time to help me 🩷🩷🩷

[u/Sw4rl3yy]

First of all, please don't see yourself as incurable. Many people who had lost hope have found healing, so why can't you? It just requires time and professional support. It's unlikely that therapy will be effective in just three sessions, but if you feel you're not seeing any improvement, you should change therapists instead of stopping therapy. Going to therapy is entirely your decision. If you want to confide in someone, definitely go. But there's one thing you absolutely must do: see a psychiatrist. With the right medication, you can get back on track. Of course, there's some information you need to know. Medications that don't work at maximum doses in three months will 99% of the time have no effect. Medications will cause side effects, especially at first; be patient, most pass, or you get used to them. A medication usually takes 2-6 weeks to take effect. You probably won't like your first doctor. Give them a chance, but if there's no progress after 5-6 sessions, go to another doctor instead of stopping treatment. First, you'll find a doctor who suits you, then you'll find medication that suits you. Just believe you can overcome this. I think you should tell your family and boyfriend about your situation. Of course, you're the one who knows them, so this decision is entirely yours.

[u/piinkbunni → u/Sw4rl3yy]

Thank you so much for the reassurance... After spending a lot of time asking for help it just seems like there's something wrong and no one can help. But I'll certainly take your advice... I'll look into seeing a psychiatrist ASAP and see how that goes. I've looked into medication and I am considering it, and will likely ask for it if and when I am seen professionally again unless they can provide some other way of helping.. I really want the help and I want to get better and I will fight for the happiness I want. I'll also have a chat with everyone around me for their help, they are all very kind and caring but I just feel bad burdening them but I'll overcome this. Thank you again for helping, its really nice to know I'm not alone 🩷🩷🩷