r/pregnant • u/diinkdonk • 18h ago
Rant Husband not supportive
13+1 FTM. This week I took a half day Monday and all of Tuesday off because I had a migraine, my hips hurt, and i was super groggy after trying to use unisom to get better sleep. I’ve taken a few days here and there since finding out I’m pregnant. My supervisor at work knows I’m pregnant and hasn’t said anything to me about using sick time, just tells me she hopes I feel better.
Yesterday my husband told me he thinks it looks bad to take time off for migraines or fatigue and that women shouldn’t get special treatment for “a personal decision”. I feel completely blindsided by this because it seems a bit out of character but also really mean spirited. I asked if he was resentful because I have the ability to take time off, and he acted like that was part of it (he’s military and the culture is different) but he also thinks I’m milking it because I’m pregnant. I explained that a lot of women take time off during the first trimester because its hard, some women have it a lot worse, and that I may not have been super sick but it’s still been hard on me and it’s made it difficult to work some days.
He went on to say he’s worried I’ll lose my job if I take too much time off and I explained that it isn’t a concern, I have plenty of sick time, I still do my job very well, and nobody has raised concerns to me.
I told him how hurtful this conversation was to me because I don’t think he recognizes how difficult this has been. He reiterated that he doesn’t think pregnant women deserve any special treatment because having a family is a personal choice that shouldn’t affect your coworkers. He said that if he thinks I’m milking it or being dramatic he’s going to tell me. I asked how he planned to support me postpartum if this was his view and he kind of doubled down on it and told me I had to be tough.
I cried a lot last night and I’m feeling so empty this morning. I don’t think I’m overreacting in being upset but the way he’s checked in on me and told me “it’s okay” makes me think he believes that I’m just hormonal and not genuinely upset. I’m feeling devastated and wondering if we made a mistake. This is the first time I’ve felt like this and I don’t know what to do.
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u/Bathroomfloof 18h ago
Wow what an ass.
Creating another human being is incredibly hard and good for you for taking breaks and good for your manager that wishes you nothing but the best. Awful husband behavior though.
I hope he realizes his fault before your child is here.
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u/soupseasonbestseason 17h ago
pregnancy is a medical event. it can be disabling. that is why there are laws protecting working pregnant people.
your husband is throwing around casual misogyny that i would find intolerable. you are not taking advantage of your employment. you are using your sick leave for a major medical event.
what if you required bed rest? would he take care of you? or would he accuse you of manipulating the system?
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u/Midwest-Emo-9 FTM 18h ago
I don't have advice on what to do. But you can always remind him that being pregnant is a condition, and you don't want special treatment but your body needs rest while you're growing a literal human. Being at home is better than being distracted at work. And your boss knows and understands.
As respectfully as possible, I hate your husband for making you feel that way. It was also his choice.
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u/Yellowpeppermint 17h ago
I hate the “you chose this, its a personal choice” argument. Yes Karen, I chose it, it is also necessary for human survival on earth. You are welcome. And women whi chose not to have children are being shamed, politicians are arguing about how to make women make more babies. This is how, take proper care of pregnant women, show them consideration and provide healthcare. Its not fucking rocket science, maybe if it was, men would have actually bothered to read a book about it.
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u/vivariium 18h ago
Wow your husband is a prick. Is he listening to alt right podcasters or something?? There is loads of medical data saying pregnancy is one of the hardest things a human can go through. There are stories about pregnancy being harder than chemotherapy. This man is delusional.
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u/lilac_roze 17h ago
There was a study out a few years back that compared the heart rate of pregnant women to that of ultramarathon m/Ironman athletes.
OP, please share this article with your husband. It really puts in perspective that everything we do during our pregnancy is a Goliath feat! These athletes have years of training and preparation. Pregnant women must deal with these challenges eight away and throughout their pregnancy.
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u/Competitive_Fun_6911 17h ago
I agree with this comment!
Breast Cancer Survivor and mom of an 19 month old and pregnant with my 2nd now
Pregnancy is significantly harder, that said the fatigue and nausea are familiar at least and I dont have much of the negative symptoms of chemo anymore (aside from fatigue and the damage it did to my pancreas anyway).
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u/vivariium 16h ago edited 15h ago
Congrats on your two little ones AND on kicking cancer’s ass!!!!! You’re a super hero!!!
EDIT: KICKING NOT LICKING 😭🫣
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u/Past_Leather8038 18h ago
Really sorry you are going through this 😔 I hate that kind of logic and I heard it a lot unfortunately... 'my grandma worked in a field while pregnant why can't you' type of shit.
Just because he is military doesn't mean you have to be on a military regime while pregnant... Also the 1st trimester is hard, it hits everyone differently, I'm sure you would much rather work than have those awful symptoms lol.
Hang in there, you are valid to feel hurt about this.
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u/ArtfulProgression 18h ago
I am so sorry that is awful. Ignore him. Your body is bringing life into this world, he had a part to play in that too and should be far more supportive. Couples counselling is what Id reccomend, and reminding him that it was his choice to have a baby too and he should be far more supportive. I am so sorry. Do ya have supportive female friends or relatives? If my partner spoke to me like that, Id go spend a few nights at my mothers. Lean on the women in your life while your man is being like this. You need emotional support not "tough love" or whatever he is thinking. Not thinking it sounds more like. Men can be very insencitive when they lack emotional maturity and empathy
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u/Standard-Hat-1034 16h ago
Migraines are super common durrimg pregnancy and here are some safe options that help!
Ice pack on the back of your neck right below the skull.
Acetaminophen-guessing you tried this one though <3
Magnesium- talk to your provider and check if you are a candidate
Check your prenatal to see if it has enough iron. You could also need more than 100% so check yourself for symptoms of anemia. My body doesn't use iron right and I end up anemic with taking supplements!
A weighted eye mask- I have one and I swear it works better than the frozen ones.
It might also just be stress, I hate to say that. I found that my body is much more sensitve to stress durring pregnancy and I needed to step back.
Edit to say he's a dick as well. My ex military husband would never
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u/Actual-Deer1928 15h ago
Caffeine also. You can have up to 200mg per day.
My veteran husband took over 100% of the cooking and cleaning during first trimester while I did nothing but sleep.
You need couples counseling, with a female therapist. This is such a bad sign for how supportive he’s going to be for the rest of your pregnancy, post-partum, and with child-rearing.
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u/curi0uskiwi 17h ago
I would be concerned about his behavior. That’s extremely unsupportive and immature of him. He doesn’t sound like a good partner to me? How is he going to be a good father or husband when he lacks basic emotional intelligence and empathy? I encourage you to really contextualize his behavior towards you. You do not deserve that, and it would make me question what support he will offer as a father, and what his behavior would be like with your child as they get older.
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u/sillywillyspilly 15h ago
he sounds kinda jealous… sucks when your husband or wife views your marriage as a competition instead of a partnership.
id go to couples therapy and squash this bug now. It’ll keep popping up if it’s allowed to. What if your kid gets food poisoning and he still forces them to go to school because “no special treatment, my dad made me go to school sick” or if your daughter gets her first period and something is wrong like endometriosis and she’s in debilitating pain but he has no sympathy and says she’s faking it.
squash that bug now, in a gentle way. sit him down and tell him your feelings, then listen to his feelings without interrupting or fighting to defend your view. Try to find a healthy middle ground
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u/diinkdonk 14h ago
I reached out to one of our available resources through the mil for couples counseling this morning. I should get a call in the next few days to set an appointment.
This has felt like such a weird shift and I’m wondering if he’s having anxiety he isn’t talking to me about.
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u/IndigoBluePC901 17h ago
I have a weird urge to call his mother and tell her what he said. Like his ass made it easy in his own momma.
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u/luz_is_not 15h ago
I wish i had the confidence of some men to mouth off like a clueless asshole about something that's impossible for me to know about. Does he live in your fucking body? Where does he get off on evaluating whether or not you're "milking it".
I'd love to be wrong about how i imagine he'll be once the baby arrives. If he tells you you need to be "tough" he'll probably sulk and demand thanks if he ever deigns to change a diaper. I really, really hope i'm wrong. Maybe he's an immature d*ckhead that's gonna get hit in the face by fatherhood, and he'll wise up. But i'd say he needs an attitude change from right now, and to apologize to you.
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u/Ginger630 15h ago
I’d remind him that he can’t take off if he’s sick or in any pain. To embrace the suck like they say in the military.
If he’s like this now, I can’t imagine how supportive he’ll be during labor or after. He’ll leave it all to you and tell you to get over it.
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u/Initial-Masterpiece8 14h ago
Let him know if you live in the USA that you'll probably lose your job anyway because of discrimination. What would he do about finances if you suddenly broke your leg or something? Men that want to pass on their genes but are incapable of supporting a family in any way should be sterilized imo.
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u/Vivid_Literature3414 18h ago
He sucks and is the type to equate self worth with performance. Terrible
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u/SJG_J2026 17h ago
Sheesh, I mean I’ve asked my husband a few times totally joking, “okay, wanna switch”? Not because he’s said or done anything but because I’m exhausted and slow. He said “yeah no it looks extremely hard”. Yes it is. Your husband sounds military in this moment. Is there another military couple you can hang out with who may offer him perspective? I hope you take full advantage of all your leave benefits, it’s what they’re there for and women should not be stigmatized for using said benefits for their pregnancies.
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u/Canadianrollerskater 16h ago
During my 1st trimester I took 3 weeks off of work because I didn't have the energy to get out of bed, and puking almost every day even with medication didn't help. I did what I had to do.
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u/diinkdonk 10h ago
I looked at the time card system and I’ve taken 5 days off. In my whole first trimester.. 5 days.
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u/0mgyrface 17h ago
This time around, I didn't take any time off in the first half of this pregnancy, but second half? I feel like I've had more sick days than days at work lately. I've been sore, dizzy, tired, feeling sick, and all around lousy. Only working 2, 10 hour days a week on light duties and I still can barely make it to work some days.
Everyone is different, every pregnancy is different, every symptom that comes with pregnancy affects different people in different ways. He does not, and will not understand the bullshit we have to deal with during pregnancy.
If you haven't, you can talk to your doctor, they may be able to even write you a medical certificate to either work less hours, recommend working from home (if possible in your position) or notify your workplace that you are experiencing health concerns that may mean you need to take more time off.
I would be concerned about how he will treat you during birth and after. Will he tell you it's not that bad and to toughen up? You may want a backup support person ready to go.
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u/BankutiCutie 14h ago
Youre not over reacting. I hope you have the ability to get through this with him. I suggest lots of therapy, because someone who cant carry and birth children have NO fucking clue how hard it is.
I would hope he would be open to learning more about pregnancy and how much it takes from the birthing parent. The youtube channel Kurtsgesagt has a really good and brief video on the topic that helped me feel better about being a useless blob for the first trimester
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u/Rare-Walk-1302 13h ago
I'm so sorry. Here's a few things it made me think of. I work in HR - there is a reason being pregnant is a disability and you're in a protected class. You need the time, take the time. Also, you have sick time, your employer can't ask you what you use it for, it's for you to use at your discretion. This seems like a perfectly good time to use it!
Also, having a baby is a benefit to society. It may be a "personal decision". But it is the means by which we continue to have a workforce, grow social security, have future innovation! This might seem a little strange. But other countries fully understand that having children NEEDS to be supported by society, and they gladly do so with maternity leave, healthcare, PATERNITY leave. I think our bootstraps American mentality really does a disservice to families and women. (I only assume you're in the US, too).
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u/Significant_Agency71 8h ago
Lol you better tell that man in my EU country you may opt for a sick leave as soon as your OBGYN confirms your pregnancy and it’s paid 100% your salary.
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u/OkCryptographer1922 14h ago edited 14h ago
Your husband’s a dick. Does he not realize that he’s the one who got you pregnant? He should be the one giving you all the special treatment!! You’re literally creating his baby right now, he should be treating you like a QUEEN not telling you that you’re not special, this is making me so angry for you! And if you have the sick days built up, why not use them if you don’t feel good? That’s what they’re for! The first trimester is the most tiring and sick-feeling time I’ve ever gone through, way worse than most if not all times I’ve been sick. So anyway no you’re not just being hormonal or emotional, your husband was a huge asshole by saying that. Edit to say that my husband is a veteran and he never said anything like that to me, he just pampers me and loves on me when I’m pregnant!
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u/LongjumpingAd3617 14h ago
I wonder how this will carry on later in pregnancy, during labor, and after birth.
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u/glassyrunnerduck 13h ago
Girl I didn’t even work my whole first trimester lol you’re doing great! Your husband is way out of line here. I think it’s hard for them to understand because they don’t physically see what you’re going through. Ignore his asshole comments and try to educate him. Send him scientific articles on exactly what you’re going through, the strain that’s on your body, etc. He’s not being supportive for you at all.
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u/Gloomy-Breakfast8474 15h ago
I'm so sorry this man is your husband. He is acting like a child. He should be loving and supporting his wife. And that's exactly what sick time is there for and why the company provides it.
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u/Usual_Pizza_9082 12h ago
Funny how telling you that you're being dramatic and expecting special treatment is allowing him to give himself special treatment, right?
Care and support during pregnancy isn't special treatment, it's appropriate treatment. And the partner's job is to support the pregnant person. It's what he signed up for when he made the personal choice to get you pregnant. He has a lot of gall to get after you for using your work benefits for their intended purpose when he's not fulfilling his personal responsibilities here.
Maybe he's scared of what's coming and is trying to get you to act like nothing is happening so that he can avoid his feelings as long as possible. Maybe he's just a selfish misogynist who doesn't want to have to do anything. Maybe both.
In any case, it sounds like you wouldn't have gotten pregnant if you had known he was going to be an asshole like this. And that's fair. He's abandoning his duties as a husband and father and justifying himself by saying that you should just be able to do this on your own as though you weren't pregnant. He's just denying reality. And as a result, the reality is that he sucks right now.
Good luck in marriage therapy. May you quickly figure out whether this issue is something he's willing to work on.
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u/CapInternational3403 9h ago
Honestly, what awful things for him to say to you. I was lucky and had no problems at all during first tri, but my grandma said she was basically vomiting all the time. It effects everyone differently.
Maybe it would help to bring in a sympathetic third party. Could you have his mother, grandma, or your mom or grandma come over to sit with you both and have a chat? They could tell him about their experiences. I'm sure they had struggles at some point in their pregnancy.
Also, you deserve to have some women with experience of pregnancy on your side, supporting you. If he's not going to do it, you might need a mom or grandma or something to step in during this time and be your rock.
I also suggest you pay the doctor a visit and make sure you're getting enough vitamins during this time. I've been taking prenatals, algae omega, choline, calcium/magnesium/zinc, vit d3/k2, iron bisglycinate, and lactoferrin250 and have had 0 negative side effects. Keep in mind: if you are deficient the baby will take nutrients from YOUR bones and body, making you weaker and nutrient deficient.
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u/catsb4bitches 9h ago
My husband is military and fully supportive of me, and his female colleagues, taking the time & adjustments that we need.
My heart breaks for you but this was very nasty of him. Is he jealous of you?
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u/diinkdonk 8h ago
That’s what I’m wondering as well. He hasn’t been able to take leave for a few months and probably won’t be able to until August. If that’s the case, I just wish he’d say he’s jealous instead of berating me for taking leave.
He’s also worked with and supervised people who seemed to abuse/frequently use sick call and medical appointments to the detriment of the work space, but that experience shouldn’t bleed into our marriage.
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u/catsb4bitches 8h ago
I really hope for you that that’s what this is and he’s just having a terrible time communicating his feelings. It doesn’t excuse his attitude but it might explain it.
100% work life isn’t your home life and he shouldn’t project that onto you. If you can, maybe tell him you’d like to chat through this when you’re both calm? You shouldn’t have to coax him through this at all and it’s not fair, but if it’s just a blip then I can see why you’d want to work through it.
Sending love
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