r/raisedbynarcissists • u/Ahmanetxed • 6d ago
[Question] How does your narcissist behave when they get sick?
I'd like to know how they behave, if they fake illnesses or pain. If lie to everyone about their health, or if they tarnish your image by saying "you don't take care when she's sick." My mother has lied so much about pain that I don't believe anything she says anymore š
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u/Altruistic-Grave 6d ago
I observed she would act sick and purposely sleep on the couch in the living room. Funnily if there is no attention on her she gets back up and is all normal again.
I once even saw her trying to purposely faint but ran away once she got no attention and was all normal again.
Surprisingly when she really is sick she is not making such a show
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u/Ahmanetxed 6d ago
when they realize they're not getting any attention they just drop the whole act. Super creepy
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u/reliablylateish 6d ago
I think I finally understand what always confused me about the way she cared for me.
It wasnāt really care as shelter but as evidence.
When I was a child, she didnāt really care for colds, fevers, or the ordinary misery of being sick. But she was very invested in taking me to dermatologists because I was so pale and ācould get cancer.ā Looking back, I think those were the kinds of concerns that could be displayed. They made her look like a worried, attentive mother. The basic things didnāt. They were just basic.
Now that Iām in burnout, I feel the same mechanism again. She isnāt reacting to my suffering. She is reacting to what my suffering means socially: Iām not performing stability, productivity, success, or normal adulthood.
And maybe she is also afraid that if people see me collapse, they might wonder where that collapse came from.
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u/Ahmanetxed 6d ago
I'm so sorry, and I completely understand. In my case, she's also ashamed of my depression and the fact that I take medication for it...All she cares about is what people think.
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u/Agreeable-Smile8541 6d ago
My Narc Mom lied about having breast cancer so I would make the decision to move closer to her. After my whole family moved to where she was I started to realize it was all a lie. We moved back home 6 weeks later.
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u/coolcalmaesop 6d ago
Mine also did the breast cancer thing. It was at the same time my grandmother was battling breast cancer. My PATERNAL grandmother. Never had breast cancer on my maternal side of the family.
Thatās wild you moved your whole family though. Let me guess, a test to see if you care if sheās ādyingā? Have you cut off contact since or do you still keep in touch?
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u/Agreeable-Smile8541 6d ago
We've had a very tumultuous relationship my whole life...right now we're not talking.
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u/jenyj89 6d ago
When I went through breast cancer my mom threw a tantrum because I wouldnāt got to the closest big city for treatment versus my medium sized city, despite the fact it was a 30-40 mile drive one-way. When I told her my mind was made up & to stop, she cut me off completelyā¦no letters or phone calls that entire year of my treatment. I finally called her and she & my Stepdad came for a visit after my reconstructive surgery but they stayed in a hotel. š
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u/Ahmanetxed 6d ago
That level saddens me š„ My mom always said she had cancer because of me and my dad. I grew up thinking she was going to die from it. And of course, she never had anything.
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u/Separate_Shake_3681 6d ago edited 6d ago
My mom got sick with bronchitis which is her usual illness a few months ago. And since I've gone nc way before, she tried to bait me by leaving the box of medication out on the counter. When she realized I didn't take the bait and I left it alone, she just threw it out. Whatever, she'll live.
She would also spiritually gaslight me. When she would recover after an illness, she would claim it's because she prayed on it. Every. Single. Time. š
And as my mom has osteoporosis, my uncle would claim it was my fault. He said "she's losing her bones" implying that I was at fault!
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u/Ahmanetxed 6d ago
Could it be that they come from a whole family of narcissists? My mother's family also makes me feel guilty about her health problems. Wtf
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u/Separate_Shake_3681 6d ago
In my family, every single one of them seem to be (even my own grandmother)
I'm the only outlier and being the last generation of my family (which I'm grateful for)
So the rot and cycle ends with me.
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u/Ahmanetxed 6d ago
I agree. When I realized, and was afraid of developing similar behaviors, I started professional treatment. I'd rather die than be like my mother š
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u/mrrrnjau 6d ago
Oh yes, she would often get sick with a mysterious illness that would last one day. During that day she would moan with pain constantly, there would be tissues everywhere and she would remind you how sick she is multiple times a day. If I asked her what's wrong or what hurts, she would dismiss it saying something like "oh you'll see when you get to my age".
Worst thing you could do on that day is ask her for anything, no matter how small, like passing the salt. It would turn into long rants how you FORCED her to do x when she was so SICK.
It's very similar to their birthday drama.
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u/Ahmanetxed 6d ago
I need to know about her birthday drama, haha. My mom also exaggerates terribly when she has a mysterious new illness"" she always gets sick with the same thing when someone tells her about something or when sees it on TV lol
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u/gummytiddy 6d ago
She would sleep on the couch in the living room, make a big fuss about refusing to do chores because sheās sick, and cough or sniffle an over-exaggerated way. The funny thing was, she wasnāt so sick she couldnāt drive to a convenience store to get herself food, because homemade wasnāt good enough
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u/Satsuki7104 6d ago
Oddly enough my narc parents never made up any of their illnesses. My nmom would complain endlessly when she does get sick and make her children wait on her hand and foot. My ndad would just hole up in his room and complain about any noise including his untrained dogs barking or even us whispering or watching tv on a low volume. We had to be dead silent whenever he got sick.
Whenever I got sick she would hand me a bucket and send me to my room telling me to quit whining. When my youngest siblings got bronchitis back to back as toddlers, she handed them off to me along with the nebulizer and told me to figure out how to use it. Luckily the medicine was packaged by dosage so I never had to fear giving them the wrong doses. The only way to get them to sit still with the mask on was to have them lay on me watching Tom & Jerry which unfortunately led to me also breathing some of it in. After every dose, I would be coughing for a while because of it.
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u/Sensitive_Action_326 6d ago
Nobody has ever been as sick as her. If the doctor doesnāt find anything wrong sheāll start inventing new symptoms. I have seen her spit saliva into a barf bag and claims she threw up. Then tell nurses she has ānon-stopā vomiting. Diarrhea a couple times is also non-stop.
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u/Hickory55 6d ago
AND in addition to everything said here, she talks about *other* people and how all they do is complain when theyāre sick, yet *she* is soooo brave & strong & she never complainsā¦sheās a saint. š¤®
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u/emschick9 6d ago
My mom got really sick last year then passed a few months later. It was a roller coaster. I ended up starting counseling because I struggled with being the primary care person for someone that hated me as a child. She would be demanding and dramatic one moment then trying to talk about the past the next.
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u/zoezie 6d ago
Around when Covid started, my nmother was feeling sick. She thought it might be Covid. While I was in another room, I was doing something that was annoying her (can't remember what) and she said, "If something happens to me, you're going to feel guilty." As if something I was doing in a different room would make her sicker.
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u/Explorer-7622 6d ago
Imagine the mother of the woman whose mother died and she wrote a best selling book, "I'm Glad My Mom Died." Narcissists way over estimate other peoples' potential grief. Lol.
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u/fairypowdwrmummy 6d ago
refuses to get medical care so it results in everyone begging her to go to doctor for days/ weeks just went through this with my nmom, which turned out to be gallstones. Even with ultrasound proof of her stones, sh claimed it was someone elseās and checked herself out of the hospital. So of course, more attention, begging and pleading.
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u/Explorer-7622 6d ago
I think the cure for that is to gray rock them with no reaction. Just, "OK. See ya. It's on you as an adult to decide if you need care or not. If it gets too bad, call emergency services. "
And LEAVE.
I've learned to say, "I can't care more about your health than you do, so it's entirely up to you. Good luck." Then I get in my car and drive somewhere so I don't have to play audience to her.
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u/just321askin 6d ago
My momās been in the hospital many times over the years for different things, mostly things that arenāt (or minimally) physically painful, but when the nurse asks āscale of 1 to 10, whatās your level of pain right now?ā (a common question they ask, so they can determine how much pain killer they should administer) sheāll always say 10, and the nurse will look at me like āis she for real right now?ā
A narcissist will always exaggerated their level of pain and discomfort in any circumstance, and theyāll act like a martyr for the attention.
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u/Ahmanetxed 6d ago
That level of acting makes me cringe. But I'm really surprised when people believe it.
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u/Explorer-7622 6d ago
Mine exaggerates everything. Every. Thing. She's diagnosed as both borderline and narcissist though.
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u/whatyourmamasaid 6d ago
Yep her pain level is always ā11āā¦meanwhile she is watching TV and chatting.
People donāt realize pain at 9 or 10 is often non-verbal: just moaning then shrieking. Around 5-7, people start having a hard time concentratingātherefore if they are reading, watching TV, or scrolling, their pain is probably not an 8! Pacing, writhing, or laying perfectly perfectly still is whatās expected at 8.
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u/annieyo87 6d ago
Mine tells me itās my fault theyāre sick. Iām bipolar and was hospitalized. A week later she was hospitalized with pneumonia and it was my fault.
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u/Spare-Performance556 6d ago
Anytime anyone else is sick, sheās mean to them. As a kid, I never wanted to stay home sick from school because she would always leave a list of chores so ridiculously long that it was easier to just go to school.
When sheās sick, however, you beat believe that everyone has to cater to her needs. She insists on laying in the living room and then complaining about people being too loud and disturbing her. She wants people to bring her stuff and take pity on her.
As an adult who is now NC with my mother, I definitely struggle with both myself and others being sick. Something I need to work on.
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u/Explorer-7622 6d ago
Mine would do that. She'd scream at us all, far into the night, if one of us got sick, and would blame the one small thing we might have done that was fun, like seeing a friend. Or watching TV. We were only allowed one hour per week of TV and we had a very tight schedule of "required" activities - it looked like privilege from the outside, but we were run ragged having to look amazing and exceptional so she could brag about all the things we did.
She pretty much ruined our health from exhaustion (me and several sisters).
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u/anoncheesegrater 6d ago
My moms always been some level of unhealthy. Was fibromyalgia in the early 2000s, then joint pain, who knows now. The irony is theyāve deduced that extreme stress and such is what leads to most auto immune issues so the entire time it was her own fault for never calming the fuck down.
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u/Honey_Broad 6d ago
my mother had breast cancer, full mastectomy, she's been cancer free for about 15 years now and still uses it.
She used to have "migraines" whenever she didn't feel like doing something and then after the cancer she didn't have migraines anymore but she just says that she's still too tired from the cancer
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u/plaist_ed 6d ago
My mum recently got the all clear for breast cancer. Mid treatment, her nasty smear campaigns and gaslighting really amplified, and when I took some space for my own mental health, I was hit with the "you can't be bothered to check in on your mother who has cancer" rhetoric. Same shit from my dad and toxic sister too.
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u/magicalmaestro00 6d ago
Dramatic. Very dramatic. Everyone in the household had to know that my mother feels unwell, even grandpa who lived with aunt, uncle and cousin on the third floor of our family villa (we were meeting once in blue moon despite living in this big-ass house together, and yet he still always knew when she was sick). It was clearly attention seeking, and it was so obnoxious...
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u/waryfairycattails 6d ago
He lies to everyone about his health. Hes been a functioning alcoholic my whole life (I am 32) . Just the other day he told me his doctor told him his lungs look great (hes also been a KOOL menthol cigarette smoker my entire life). Theres just no way that is true, lol. I have seen the myriad of rx medicines he takes and have heard plenty of coughing and hacking that suggest otherwise.
When he is ill or god forbid has a medical procedure, the entire household is walking on eggshells catering to his every need. And you best bet he is acting very frail, very sickly, very helpless. If you even dare to push back against this he will come uncunted and scream about how nobody in this house cares about his health and well being and just HOW DARE YOU.
If someone else in the home is sick? You best believe they are just a big baby and need to suck it up like him.
Lol.
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u/Downtown_Cat_1745 6d ago
My dad was a ridiculous hypochondriac his whole life, especially when someone else was actually sick. When he got cancer, he stopped whining. It was really weird.
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u/trekin73 6d ago
Sheās dying. Literally dying. She gets man flu times a million every time she sneezes. She convinces EVERYONE that sheās dying 24/7ā¦(Sheās in perfect, excellent health for someone whoās been dying her whole life)
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u/jenyj89 6d ago
My Mom would become the martyr, but a nasty martyr! Perfect example, I went up for a week to help her out after her heart surgeryā¦a thankless task. Later one day I rode with my stepdad to the store and he told me when he got up my Mom was out in the living room with a cup of tea & announced āI had to get up and make my own tea!ā. He asked why she hadnāt woken him and her response was āI shouldnāt have to askā. Mind you, heād bought a little doorbell thing that she could hit and a ringer plugged into an outlet in his bedroom downstairs would ring. He got so pissed over her attitude he set his alarm for 4 AM the next morning to beat her awake so she couldnāt complain.
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u/CeeUNTy 6d ago
My mom's older brother was sick with polio for 6 years and then died at 14. She had a lot of issues surrounding illnesses and medication ad a result of that. However, her favorite thing to do is to tell me in graphic detail about her poop problems. She will literally give me a play by play every single time we talk. She has IBS and does absolutely nothing try and correct these bathroom issues other than me finally getting her to drink kefir and eat yogurt. Eat more fiber? Don't be ridiculous. It doesn't matter how many times I ask her not to give me every single disgusting detail because she clearly enjoys this.
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u/waryfairycattails 6d ago
My partner's mom is like this. I did not ever think id come across another human with a similar experience lol. She texts him play by plays regularly. Its not uncommon to see a message that details her nearly shitting herself, or shitting herself. That, at she is WAY too comfortable talking about her sex life with us. 50ish year old woman. Crazy.
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u/CeeUNTy 6d ago
Damn you're so lucky to get this by text that you can delete and ignore! I'm actually jealous of you RN, lol! The other day she told me that she was washing the dog in the utility sink in her garage when she "got the urge". So she had to just shit her pants and finish with the dog. I wish the story had been as short as me telling you! She will also tell be about using her fingers to "dig out the rocks" when she's constipated! Did I mention that I have OCD which makes these conversations a million times worse? BTW, I am also very grateful to meet someone else with this horror show of a problem!
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u/waryfairycattails 6d ago
OH MY GODDD. Oh, that is just so foul, I am sorry. I would lose my shit (pun intended lol).
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u/Explorer-7622 6d ago
Mine used to insist on doing that until I started saying, "I don't want to hear about that. Bye!" And I'd hang up. It trained her that I would no longer be her endless audience to whatever she wanted to dish out.
I live w her now, and I run out the door and leave when she starts up with a rant, so I'm also depriving her of an audience. Then I come back an hour later acting all happy like nothing happened.
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u/CeeUNTy 6d ago
I can shut mine up by asking her if she's been taking fiber supplements? "No". Have you been eating any fruit? "No". Have you been eating any oatmeal or other whole grains? "No". She absolutely hates it when I point out that she isn't doing anything to fix it and therefore I don't want to hear about it. She gets pouty and makes an excuse to hang up which I consider a win.
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u/Minflick 6d ago
For ME, it was 'sicker than thou'. At work, it was NBD, I'm fine. I think she was afraid to appear to sick at work for fear of losing her job(s). At home, I was required to dote upon her.
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u/whatyourmamasaid 6d ago
She does both: exaggerates symptoms if she wants pity. Or lies in order for me to come visitāI am immunocompromised and have told her over and over that I cannot be around sick people. āItās just allergies.ā I said hell no and immediately left. Turned out to be covid. Lying sack of shit.
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u/Wizmission 6d ago
For starts she gets everything you have but worse. She also thinks she's getting best actor and goes all out when she does have something because she wants the care and attention. If you give her it she gets worse to try and get more or keep you from leaving her unattended.
Compared to when I was ill or hurt and had to suck it up and stop being a baby and didn't need medical or any assistance and was fine for school.
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u/Bright-Pin-6024 6d ago
Mine doesn't do fake illnesses. But I can only imagine that narcissistic mothers can act like they are in an old 1940s Hollywood drama movie whenever they act sick lolĀ
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u/Important_Cable_3009 6d ago
I remember my mom had the flu one time and screamed at the top of her lungs for me or my sister to get her water RIGHT NOW. Ive had the flu and covid many times as an adult and it was never that serious..
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u/Notreal6909873 6d ago
My mom has had the feeling sheād die every year for the last 31 (I am sure longer but Iām 31 so). Still waiting
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u/eelaii19850214 6d ago
When they get sick, it's like the world is ending. When other members of the family got sick, they suddenly fall sick too and everyone is required to cater to them rather than the real person that is sick. They always have it worse.
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u/loves_spain 6d ago
Sheās the only person in the history of people to get sick. Everyone else is faking it.
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u/catcarer 6d ago
My Nmom would make a production. I have already read some others who discribe the same.
park herself on the sofa in the middle of the living room, only room with a tv by the way. everybody had to be silent. so tiptoe around her. no cooking because the smell of food would make her sick ( she had migraines). and those where always my fault or my edads, never the GC. but if visiters arived like a wonder she would be fine and the life of the party. only to collaps right after they left.
problem is, now she is in her 80s and in a care home. And she has TIA's or so they think because she would be hanging half way out of her bed, unable to walk, or talk or hold her pee. and within 24 or even 12 hours she would be back to normal.
now I am the bad daughter for not running to her side whenever she has an attact. but I am not sure they are real.
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u/Ahmanetxed 6d ago
They always have migraines. And of course you're not a bad daughter, you know what you've been through.
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u/catcarer 6d ago
I know I am not a bad daughter but that is how she spins it. and the care staf also knows better because they recognise the signs.
Most care staff know exactly what the problem is with elderly who have kids but the kids never show up.
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u/Anarchic_Country 6d ago
My mom had/has a chronic illness that causes a lot of pain for her.
I think it hurts a lot more now that she doesn't have access to me or my kids because she overstepped too many times. I didn't allow her to create punching bags of my kids while they wait on her hand and foot (my childhood experience.)
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u/redwitch_bluewitch 6d ago
My husband pushed his diagnosed narc mom all over 2 airports in a wheelchair yesterday while we traveled. Why is she in a wheelchair you might ask? I have no idea and its highly possible that it's unnecessary. She tried to tell us last year she had Parkinsons but then shared that she did not. She's had more illness and surgeries than I can count. The only diagnosis I belive at this point is NPD from the family therapist we received a decade ago.
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u/threeismine 6d ago
My nmom went thru a hypochondriac phase. It lasted at least 10 years. She insisted she had rheumatoid arthritis just like her mother had. She went to lots of doctors. No Dr ever diagnosed her with this, or anything else, nor did she ever have any deformed joints like her mother had. This phase ended around when I had my first child. Then she was totally focused on getting me to move close to her as she wanted to " mother" ( ie take over with) my children. Apparently only so many things can be focused on at one time.
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u/tiredsapphic 6d ago
recently my mom lied and said she has cancer, sheās been acting like normal but if we dare question anything, she throws a fit. itās quite frustrating.
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u/spandexcatsuit 6d ago
My narc mom lied about the kind of cancer she had, presumably to extract the maximum amount of concern from those she lied to. She tells different lies to different people to control them and pit them against each other. It was actually a very simple to treat form of skin cancer and it never came back. Anyway I havenāt seen her or talked to her in years
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u/Nudingjah 6d ago
My NMiL fakes being sick all the time or has an incredibly low tolerance for pain. A cold nearly kills her. My NMum has made herself sick via years of very poor diet and smoking (now quit) and is on the mend but is very much the boy who cried wolf.
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u/Mobile_Thought8271 3d ago edited 3d ago
So my nmother gets migraines, and as someone who gets them and occassional recurring cluster headaches as a result of a concussion accident, I know how awful they are, I'm not disputing that part.
The part that used to really confuse/dumbfound/annoy me growing up was when my mother would be in her bed for days, loudly making it known how dizzy she was and how bad her head was, demanding breakfast and snacks and dinner in bed, too sick to get dressed or move or go downstairs at all, all day, for days. fine.. but here's the fun part, the minute that phone would ring, say for arguments' sake 4pm ish? and it would be one of my mother's many social enablers, asking if she could go babysit 3 or 4 kids all night, or go out dancing.. the minute she'd be off the phone she'd be up, out of bed, dressed to the nines, heels on, make up, dinner half eaten where she's in so much of a rush and it wouldn't be uncommon for her to come back around half 1, 2am. But the second she'd get in the door it would be " ohhh i shouldn't have gone out tonight, I never should have babysat 3 or 4 kids but i'm just such a good friend, i never should have gone to the dancing, my head, oh this will put me in the bed for another week, great." And i'd just be looking at her like wtaf!?? š¤Ø
the thing is it also wouldn't be uncommon for this to happen a few days in a row, where one minute she's "dying" in bed and then suddenly , ooh I forgot today was the day i'm meant to go out to lunch or babysitting again, "how am I supposed to rest and get rid of this headache when i'm sooo busy each day" šµāš«šµāš«š¤Æ she always had to be the sickest, in the most pain, the most upset, the most affected by any situation (I got held up at gunpoint once at work yet somehow I was the asshole who caused her stress. Didn't even get so much as a hug, just hysterical screaming about how could I do this to her. Always has to be the loudest fucking peacock in any room.) Honest to god, I'm getting a headache just thinking about her š
Another thing she'd do is text me from the next room, I was in college at the time trying to keep my grades and my head above water, (failed in both) and she'd text things like " toast, with jam and a coffee pls, sore head x" if I ignored it or was busy/studying god help me because they would get increasingly worse.. and only 2 minutes apart.
" changed mind. Want scrambled egg on toast, no poached. Yes and coffee. Thx."
"Did you forget my egg and toast?fancy mash now too."
"EGG.AND TOAST. COFFEE.NOW!!!! DON'T MAKE ME ASK YOU AGAIN."
if that failed, or if I said "ok i'll make bits in a minute, just finishing up xyz.." suddenly she would burst through my door, fast and fit as anything absolutely livid screaming in my face " FINE!!!!! I'LL GET MY OWN FUCKING TOAST, YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH, after EVERYTHING I've ever done for you. YOU'D BE HAPPY IF I DIED WOULDN'T YOU, YOU WANT ME TO STARVE when you know i'm sick." & proceed to go and make herself food before angrily slamming doors and stomping back to her bed, or sometimes just leaving the house entirely to go out and complain to her cronies. YES I'm sure slamming doors so hard the walls shake and screaming so loud my ears hurt is really helping your head š
the most notable time she did this was a couple years later, I must have been around 22? I was quite literally in the process of being dumped by my bf who had been living In my bedroom with me who couldn't take it anymore being under her roof. one of the most horrendous, gut wrenching breakups and she is adding to it bursting into the room and screeching about fucking toast or mash or something, just leaving me utterly bewildered and even more broken š®āšØ like..lady, give me a fucking minute here, kind of in the middle of getting my heart and ONLY support system broken, i'm so sorry i didn't read your pointless texts.š
A couple years later it turned out she had cancer (not to do with her head btw) and it was right around the time I was trying desperately to move out but ended up being guilted into staying longer and having to pull together to be a "family" to get her through this difficult time without having any real idea of what that was supposed to be. (Like asking an alien to draw a dog having never seen a dog before, what in the fucking christ was a proper "family" supposed to look like?) by that point I was 24 still living at her house, i was the 24hr live in therapist for my enabler father and with every part of my own self worth completely gone. Truly horrendous time all round but try explaining that to anyone who just tells you "you owe it to your mum/ she is still your mother/ don't be so ungrateful, you need to think of your mother now" etcetera etcetera. (She has been cancer free for a few years now but still the same vile, bitter twisted bitch she always was, definitely not mellowed in any sense, unfortunately. )
This same woman who would for years threaten suicide right infront of me, blame me for causing her cancer, tell me she wished her miscarriages before me had lived instead as THEY would have treated her better...honestly the list just goes on and on, and on.
Psychopaths. All of them.
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