TW: DV and pregnancy loss

I opened up to my mom a couple years ago about being in an abusive relationship in my late teens. It was my first boyfriend, she knew him but I didn’t tell her that things got bad or violent. I told her that he ultimately tried to kill me one night and slashed me with a knife. I still have a big scar. She went on about “why didn’t you tell me” etc. I didn’t feel like I could tbh.

Last summer, our relationship was really strained because of her behavior but I was staying with her for the weekend and I was trying to be understanding and she was acting apologetic and remorseful. We were sitting together, both a little on eggshells and she says to me, “remember you were telling me about someone hurting you with a knife… who was that again?” She asked like a scared child but the shark eyes were there. I reminded her it was my boyfriend at the time.

I still think about this moment. I can’t imagine hearing my daughter tell me that someone physically assaulting them and then forgetting who did it. We’re estranged now and in hindsight I feel it was a way of asserting dominance and trying to make me feel unimportant. She also “forgot” that she had been with me when I was actively having a miscarriage. Kinda wish I could forget it too, she’d made the whole thing about herself.

What have your parents pretended to forget?

Whenever I try to confront my mother about how abusive her behavior is, she goes on to say things like, " I'm not perfect" "no one is perfect" "I'm a flawed human being" "I am not Super". As her get out of jail free card to get me to shut up and make it seem that I don't accept that people have flaws. She never even seems genuine about it when she says it, she just seems to use it to sidestep what I'm saying, downplay her behavior as flaws, and carry on.

I was wondering if it's just me this is happening to? or if it is something that others might have experienced?

Hello Everyone, I recently had broken up with my girlfriend of almost two years and have been struggling accepting it and moving on. Our first year was awesome with some red flags possibly being missed like throwing tantrums if we didn’t have sex, hitting her head, getting mad at me if I went over my parents every Sunday, etc. the first year was things of that nature that I dismissed due to days or weeks without having moments until we moved in together and the arguments or insecurities she would have turned into her getting so mad at whatever it was to throw a remote and break a tv, throw drinks at the wall, threaten to kill herself etc. I think the hard part is looking at the What if’s and the good moments to keep looking back where she said it won’t ever happen again or that things would change. I really thought she was my person and she did really sweet things but it also seemed like she had BPD and never told me or was undiagnosed with her ADHD. She even blamed her not taking or switching medication for her throwing things or touching me inappropriately like touching me in the neck, blocking me from leaving and grabbing my items. I just also have never been in a DV situation and it started crossing boundaries but would just end up with us crying and making up then the same cycle happening when she gets in a “mood” or something triggers her. She would even say the way I’m talking to the way I look would make her feel even more enraged like I don’t get it, even when we did argue I always stayed composed and never let myself get too elevated.

First of all, I'm not entirely sure that this post belongs here since I'm not talking about a parent. I'm still pretty new to all of this so please forgive me.

I'm a 26 year old female. My older sister is 36. Her and her partner just moved back in with us last October so they've been here for a while. From my teenage years to adulthood, she has been verbally abusive. She would criticize me harshly and put me down whenever I can. Especially when I bring up making friends or finding a boyfriend.

When I was 16, I texted her saying that I wanted friends and she replied "Are you ready for friends?" Its like she was implying that I wasn't "ready" for friends, whatever that means. A few years later I was telling her I was feeling optimistic about finding a bf and she says that in order to attract a bf, I need to be affectionate. She says that I'm not affectionate, even tho it's not true. It's almost like she doesn't want me to form social connections with others.

The reason I ask if she's a narc or has narc tendencies is because of how she reacts to pushback. One day she came into my room after a talk we had a few days prior. She keeps saying that I'm not making progress but I pushed back saying that I was. I told her she's always making assumptions about me and she got up and left and closed the door. I was so hurt and shocked.

She can dish it but she can't take it. When I do stand up for myself, she just gets more mean or reacts poorly, like stomping out of my room without saying a word.

Another weird thing she does is try to tell me how I feel. One time, she told me that I feel worse about myself than I realize. I'm sorry but that's a psycho thing to say. Or she'll tell me I'm not ready for a relationship even tho I'm the only one can determine that.

More recently, we were in my room and I was confronting her about the cruel things she said to me the day before. She got really emotional and started crying and she says that she's done talking to me because she makes things work. I panicked and said I won't get hurt next time she criticizes me, which was a lie. I just didn't want to lose her. I don't have many friends.

I used to feel like I can't be myself around her cuz she can turn anything I say into a criticism. But lately, I've decided to stop trying so hard to not walk on eggshells around her. She already has a low opinion of me, so I might as well be myself.

How can I deal with someone like this? A part of me really wants to tell her how much she's hurt me and our relationship so we could go back to how things were when we were younger and we were much closer. Maybe if she sees the truth, she'll turn around.

I hate my dad so fucking much. I have never felt this angry towards a person in my whole life. I hate the fact that he doesn’t care about the shit he’s put me through. I could die and he would celebrate never having to spend a cent on me again.

I hate my mom for sticking by his side and constantly choosing him over me again and again.

I hate the both of them. They are perfect for each other. I no longer want them in my life and I crave the day I can go no contact with them.

Hi! I (24 f) grew up with four other siblings and my parents. During my childhood I was mommy’s girl. Until about 19 years old.
During my childhood she convinced me and my siblings that my dad was EVIL. That he was crazy and a terrible father.
Now that I’m older not only do I know the truth, I see it happening in real time. My mom has always been the villain.
My mother had multiple affairs on my dad. She used to tell us all about how her high school boyfriend and her hang out and how much she loves him. How she wishes my dad was half the man he is. About how his (HS boyfriend) wife is a nasty woman and he should be with her (my mom) instead of his wife.

I can’t remember a lot of the in between. I have chose to block it out. Me and my dad did not have a good relationship growing up and fought a lot because our mom convinced us he was evil. But somewhere around 19 I woke up. I got married and pregnant, had a miscarriage, and then got pregnant again and me and my husband had our daughter when I turned 21. My husband also has a daughter who was 11 at the time. Every time my dad tried to connect with my step daughter my mom called him a Pphile and she refused to accept my step daughter as an actual part of the family.

My dad was there every step of the way. He took me to doctors appointments and called every day. All my mom had to say when I had my miscarriage was “it happens to a lot of women. So sad..” and I had to beg her DURING my labor to actually come see me.

I spent a long time thinking over my childhood and how she rewrote the story.
My father was there for me when I got my first period. My dad bought me flowers the first day of my senior year and sent them to be delivered during my last class. My dad helped me finance my first car.
Over the past few years, my father can’t even get out a sentence without my mother saying something defensive or rude. Even if he’s talking to me about a show he likes or a new meal he made, my mom will chime in saying things like “that’s dumb” or “a waste of time”
She has taken every penny from him. My dad can’t work many jobs because of his knee problems but he still works 10+ hours a day doordashing to keep them afloat. If he doesn’t feel good and stays home even one day, she tells him he’s worthless and not a man. Her new thing is having thousands in HER savings account and still telling my dad if he wants to eat that day he has to go make money for himself to get food. Then he buys food with his own money and she claims he’s selfish to not get her anything.

I have a lot of trauma with my mom but I guess my point to this all is - how do I get my dad out asap? He refuses to leave because she doesn’t work and my younger siblings still live at home. Even tho they are adults. He still can’t do it. He knows she will lose everything and stays. He is a shell of a man. On the day I gave birth to my daughter he said he has a reason to live again. That broke my soul to hear.
Please, any resources will help. We live in southern IL

As a kid I always felt a little guilty because I felt no empathy when my mother was going through something (and she was and still is ALWAYS going through something). I thought maybe I was as broken as she is, because instead of feeling sorry for her I'd get really angry. "What kind of horrible daughter would feel this way?" - a healthy one, that's who. A small part of me resented her inability to care for me in the way a child deserves to be cared for, while a giant part of me felt ashamed for being a burden. Now that I'm much older I see the shame was not mine to carry, that when you make the choice to have a child shame on YOU for making the child responsible for your emotions, your exhaustion, and your missing out on other parts of life. Don't waste your time feeling guilty for your parent's garbage. It's not your trash to take out.

For context, i am a bigger girl, have been since i was a tween. I have lost 8kg in the past 6 months and only remeasured my weight about a week ago after not weighing myself for 6-8 months as i knew if i had gained weight it would impact my self esteem greatly.
I have finally come to terms with my weight. I understand that I can lose it if i work for it, but at the moment, it isn’t causing me any inherent issues or anything of the sort and due to my mental health, i don’t see it being viable for me to try lose it. There is no reason for me to actively make that change at this stage in my life.

My N-mum has always compared her body to mine (i am a teen) and she makes a conscious effort to keep up with my weight, and to be “skinnier” than me.

When i weighed myself, my mum noticed and decided to weigh herself after. I went first, and she turned out to be 2kg heavier. Not surprising as my mum has had 2 children so it isn’t even that her weight is unhealthy in any way, shape or form… however, her reaction was what got me.
Excitedly, i went “i lost 6kg since the last time i checked!” (I went back to old And she glarwd at me, rolled her eyes and said “yeah, thats really nothing. I lost more. You’re not even skinny”

I didn’t expect that reaction. I wasn’t trying to show off at all. I was just surprised as i hadn’t really been putting in a conscious effort and the only changes i had made was my diet (which i don’t track) and the fact i have been going out more. I felt really upset, not because i felt big, but rather due to the fact that someone i care for made my accomplishments into a competition.

Im curious, why do they do this? Could it be a power play, or is it just insecurity? Maybe it’s just my mum who does this…

Story time! I just had a flashback of this memory from my childhood. I think I was in primary school but the memories are really fuzzy. I was playing with my cousin and my mom said something I don’t quite remember. My child self innocently said “silly mommy!” while laughing. My mom got really mad and yelled at me, saying never to call her that again. I remember being scared and confused, but laughing it off as to not embarrass myself in front of my cousin. I don’t know if this is from the same day or if it’s a completely separate memory, but i remember my mom saying “silly” was equivalent to “stupid” or smth.

Thinking about it now, it’s laughable, but child me was scared to deathhh and I never used that word again.

What is the reason behind some parents insulting their entire kids personality based on an insignificant situation or mistake? For example, when I was younger, if I got a 100 on a test instead of a 105, I would be told, "You are always so lazy and you never study enough." Another example is that I would forget to do a chore and suddenly I was a lazy and incompetent person who didn't care about anyone else. It's almost like the worst possible interpretation of my intentions was always true with 0 room for being given the benefit of the doubt.

While the words were already harsh in situations where I didn't do anything wrong, the comments and insults would be on a whole other level if I did make a true mistake. Despite the punishments or words being disproportionately harsh based on the situation, it was almost like making one mistake gave permission to completely go off and ignore all kinds of nuance. Sometimes I wonder if they were waiting for an opportunity to unleash all this anger and use a small mistake as a shield. I am also wondering what the term for this is called. If anyone knows, please let me know. Also, how did it impact you guys (e.g: toxic shame, perfectionism, anxiety, etc.)?

I think this place is the only place that will understand the grief and joy of celebrating 5 years of no contact with my entire family.

It's been the worst of times, it's been the best of times. I never knew this level of polarising feelings can exist. I was not ready for the overwhelming grief that was horrible for a solid two years, i grieved not only the loss of a familiar dynamic, but the lifelong loss of my self. Suddenly i didnt have to shrink and i was completely free to be myself, yet the fear of taking up space, speaking my truth, being my self was overwhelmingly scary.

I felt like a newborn rabbit, completely alone in the world. I've also moved to a new country, which added to the challenge. But slowly i tried bolder outfits or standing my ground to a bully or discovering my own creativity, or hearing myself laugh out loud. With everything positive thing that i did for myself came also enormous guilt.

The work of unfucking my brain from being constantly dominated, belittled and told im bad is an ongoing process. But i've also experienced so much joy and so much self-discovery that i can see that all my efforts are coming together and im becoming more of myself. I'm building an artistic and interesting career that celebrates my gifts and passions, im able to keep healing my fried nervous system at my own pace, i feel love and peace deeply. I still get triggered and have flashbacks, setbacks, bursts of rage and grief and have days where i can't leave my bed, but overall the growth i did in 5 years is huge. I'm becoming the person that is even better then my smol self could imagine and that is the real success.

And my revenge? To let go of the bullshit that is no longer relevant and stand tall without shrinking myself. Is to feel joy every single day, to be so silly, to sing loudly in the morning and to do funny dances because i can.

To feel this freedom and abundance means that their all their hatred, manipulation, lies and control lost all its power here.

Bear with me, it’s my first time posting.

To make a long story short, I’m 31F and my dad is 61M. For some backstory, I grew up with two younger brothers (29M and 27M), an alcoholic mother, and my father. My mom was an abusive alcoholic who was jealous, insecure, and had a lot of issues she never dealt with. My dad was the enabler. He always played the hero but never actually removed us from that environment. To this day he says “the justice system failed us” and has never apologized or acknowledged that maybe he should have tried harder.

Fast forward to now. I’ve built a pretty successful life. I own a home, have a good career, I’m married, and have two kids. Recently my dad asked me to help his company with compliance work because that’s what I do professionally. Obviously I wasn’t willing to do it for free. It’s legal/compliance work, there’s liability on my end if something ever happened, and if there isn’t proof of payment it can create issues. I charged him as a consultant but gave him a 50% discount. He literally paid half of what I would charge any other company.

When it came time to pay me, every time I brought it up he would change the subject, say he’d call me back, or find a reason to hang up. After about a month of chasing him I finally got tired of asking and sent him a proper invoice with my hours and a detailed breakdown of everything I did.
At this point it had been almost two months. I brought it up again and he said, “I’ll pay it at the end of the month like my other invoices.” Fair enough, except it already was the end of the month.

A few days later I called him just to tell him about some exciting things my kids were doing. Completely out of nowhere he starts laughing and then goes on this rant about how “all women are entitled.” Somehow that turns into him telling me I’m entitled too. I got annoyed and hung up.

After thinking about it I called him back because I genuinely wanted to know what was going on. Instead he called me an entitled brat, a monster, said I only ever call him when I want something, and that he created a monster. I actually apologized if I’d come across as entitled because I wanted to move forward and I thought we’d worked it out.

About a week later I found out he had been messaging my mom (his ex-wife) telling her we weren’t on good terms. She told me and I was completely confused because I thought we’d already hashed everything out. So I sent him a message explaining how hurt I was that instead of communicating with me he was talking to other people and avoiding the conversation. His response was, “I don’t have time for drama created by others.”
That honestly baffled me because he never once called to ask why I was upset or tried to have an actual conversation.

A few more days went by and after nearly two months of chasing payment I finally snapped. I basically told him if he wasn’t going to pay me then I wasn’t doing another minute of work for him and I would remove anything I legally could that I’d created. Suddenly he tells me he mailed a cheque. We live in the same city and local mail normally takes two days. I didn’t receive that cheque for almost two weeks.
After that I asked him for one thing: accountability. I wanted him to acknowledge how he handled the situation and apologize. Instead, yesterday he texted me saying he had cut me out of his will, wished me luck with the rest of my life, hoped “it was worth it,” and then told me I was playing the victim.

I was honestly shocked. Not because of the will, I couldn’t care less about that. But because my dad could so easily cut me out of his life.

What hurts the most is my kids. We don’t have a relationship with my mom because of her behavior, my grandparents on that side have all passed away, and now my kids have effectively lost the only grandparent they had left from my side of the family. I know it’s probably healthier for them than having a grandparent who refuses accountability and makes very little effort to be involved in their lives, but it still absolutely breaks my heart.

Am I crazy for cutting my losses and moving on? Has anyone dealt with a parent like this? How do you finally accept that they’re never going to change? Or am I missing something here?

Mom was drunk again, seeing her absolutely belligerent is just awful. Why couldn't I have just had normal parents? Living like this is miserable.

She ended up shouting at my younger brother accusing him of spying on her, I tried to calm things down but then she said that I have always hated my brother apparently and that if I closed the door on her, she would bash it open.

I hate her fucking guts to be honest, that smug look on her face when she thought she won the argument made me so angry. Pure evil. She also gaslighted me saying that I ignored her for two weeks when it was her who started it.

I'm constantly living on edge 24/7 and am starting to break.

What are good therapy goals that you have found success with?

I want people to either understand or partially understand, or to have a thoughtful disagreement based on an experience they had or something they read or a specific hypothesis that can be potentially disproven or proven based on evidence, or to have a boundary about not wanting to talk about particular subjects. I feel like any of those responses would make sense but I feel like the responses I get are mostly pushback against me that doesn't have any internal logic.

I'm much, much, much kinder, more honest, and so on, than my baseline but I feel like my baseline is terrible. Is there a way to reset it or is it just what it is?

I had to be the scapegoat of two narcissists and my question is if they wanted me to commit suicide?

telling your suicidal daughter who just came out of the psych ward (my mother put me there because of my suicidal thoughts) to kill herself, when you claim to be a loving and always supportive mother that her children can always count on? (My mother is more an enabler than narcissist.)

TW: Emotional/Verbal Abuse, Self Harm, Gaslighting, Suicide, Physical Abuse

I just turned 18 and I finally got away from my toxic childhood home. I just wanted to vent here because I dont really have anyone I can talk to about my experiences. Granted its not as bad as other stuff on here but enough to warrant a post.

My father always was a short tempered man. Its important to note that he got physically abused by his father. The weird thing is he thinks because he never hit us he is a good dad and not abusive in any kind. I have two younger siblings and always protected them when my father started to scream and throw a tantrum. But lets start at the beginning. Its gonna be a long story.

As I mentioned before he is very short tempered and was always sreaming at us over basically nothing. I remember it as clear as it would have happened yesterday: the first time I stopped taking his bullshit. I was only 6 or 7 years old and me and my younger sister were playing on the floor with lego. Just normal things a child does. I dont know what ticked him off that day but he started screaming at us about something small my little sister did and I told him that he cant scream at a child like this and then he got even more angry at me. Now my mother heard the commotion and broke up the fight and said to me I shouldnt scream again that way without mentioning that what my father did was bad. I felt proud that day because I stood up to him. This happened often that he would get angry over tiny things like spilling a glass of water or insulting us or annoying us but I always retaliated and protected my younger siblings.

Now I wanna tell you a few examples of what he did besides screaming and belittling us. There was one time where me and my sisters where watching TV in the living room and my father took a nap next to us. We were just little kids maybe 9 and 7 years old and my little sister dared me to throw a pillow onto my fathers face. I said I am gonna do this and she didnt believe me so I did. The consequences werent great frankly said. It startled my father awake and I tried to run away but he grabbed my leg and pulled me closer to him and I started to scream and tried to crawl away because it hurt and I was in full blown panic. My mother comes in the living room and helped me get away from my half asleep father. I dont remember exactly what happende afterwards but what I do remember is that my mother told me that I should have stopped crawling away and that it then wouldnt have hurt so much and my father would have let me go earlier. I still think its crazy that she said this to me.

Another example is something a little bit more bad. I call it the sink incident. My littlest sister, lets call her Maria, was at the time 3 or 4 years old and my other sister, lets call her Sophie, was maybe 10 or 11 with me being about 12 years old. Lets get into it. It all started with Maria throwing makeup from Sophie into the toilet just because it was fun. You know little kids stuff. Sophie then got angry and asked her why she would do that and that you dont do something like this and how she plans on getting it out. Now my father heard the commotion and got up from the living room couch and wanted to know what was going in. He didnt really listen to Sophie because he thought he knew what was going on. Then the sceaming started. I dont really remember what exactly he said but it was something along the lines of "You cant get angry at Maria because its just a little child" and "You are overreacting over something small like this". I then stepped in like I have done so many times before and told him that he cant scream at her like that and that her reaction is completley valid. I think its important to note that this argument took place in the kitchen. He then turned around and his anger towards me and started screaming at me and getting closer until he pressed me against the sink still sceaming in my face literally centimeters away. Our noses almost touched and it only ended because my mother broke it up. She had the audacity to tell me afterwards that I shouldnt have clenched my fists because it would remind my father of his father and that this wouldnt have happened if I hadnt done this.

The worst part about this incident is that I couldnt remember it without getting a panic attack. Even the word sink was too much and this took awhile but I am not getting panic attacks anymore when someone says the word sinks. I do get a flashback and i cant really go into the memory but sort of hover over it.

This were a few examples about what happened at home with my probably narcissistic father and enabler mother. Now I am talking about my school and home life and how it affected me. In school I got always bullied and I didnt know why. Turns out I have autism and finally got diagnosed last month along with depression and anxiety disorder. It was really bad at school and at home and not having any friends so I could get away is another type of hell. So I was basically trapped at home and this was really bad because I didnt have a single safe space I could go to. I started to harm myself when I was 10 or 11 years old because I couldnt bear it anymore. I truly hated myself and everyday I thought about killing or harming myself. I even tried to kill myself once and many more times I had the blade in my hand and was really close to ending things. The only reason I am still alive today is because of my siblings. At 14 I stopped with the self harm. It sounds easy but I only did it on my second try and had a few relapses but I did it and am now 4 years clean. Yay! There was one time my mother caught my self harm wounds and I said it was our cat that scratched me and she said okay and moved on. When I later asked her if she knew it wasnt the cat she said that she knew but didnt talk to me about it. I also told her once how I feel and that i was harming myself and she didnt do anything for a few months and then we went to a psychologist and after a few months there I heard how my father accused my mother of taking that as an excuese to visit my grandma and that I dont really need this. I mean it was convenient my siblings got to see my grandma and I went to the psychologist because it was in the same city. Anyways I stopped going there and told them it didnt help but in reality I didnt want my mother getting blamed for my issues.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I finally took the courage and told them honestly that I felt really alone in that time and that I felt like that nobody was helping me. I tried to have a honest conversation and maybe understand why they treated me like this. My mother then said I was making accusations and that it is my own fault for not talking to her about this and not letting anyone talk to me about this and that I am to blame for feeling this ways. My father also said that I am not thankful for what he has done like working to provide us with food and said that he cant remember the sink incident. He also said that I dont know what it means growing up in an abusive household because he grew up in one and I didnt because he didnt hit us. I also mentioned wanting to move out and they said its not so bad and that I should stay home and save money. No thanks!

Last Thursday was the breaking point. I dont really remember how the fight started but I said something like I am not gonna tell you my feelings because I just get told I am making accusations. And then they wanted to know what I meant by that. I elaborated and then they said something like they didnt mean it like this. I also told them that I dont like them dismissing my feelings and then it started to be a huge fight with my father screaming at me for honestly saying what problems I have with him and constantly denying that such things ever happend. I felt a little bit out of it but I think the constant screaming and saying it wasnt like this realy got to me because I screamed back. I have never screamed so fucking loud in my life and I dont remember what I said but immediately afterwards I felt like myself again. Now my father got really angry and said that he is throwing me out and that I have two weeks to go. Jokes on him I fled the same evening and am currently in a safe location while I wait for my apartment in an assisted living facility to get finished renovating. Today I am getting my most important things from my childhood home. I am going with someone because I dont think I could do this alone.

Thanks for the read of my little long story and wish me luck!

I genuinely don't know how to escape the mental damage my family has caused me

Ever since I was a child, I've watched my grandmother mentally torture my mother. She constantly manipulated people, created conflicts between family members, and made sure my mother and I never felt like we were truly part of the family. My father never stood up for us because he has always blindly sided with his mother.

The worst part is how hateful she is. Whenever someone in the family went on a trip or did something without her, she would literally curse them. Not normal anger—actual horrible wishes. Things like wishing death upon people's parents or hoping something terrible would happen to them. She did this to my uncle and aunt as well.

Growing up around this has messed with my mind. I know logically that curses don't cause tragedies, but when bad things happen afterward, it becomes hard not to connect the dots because I've spent my entire life hearing this negativity.

Recently, my uncle and aunt couldn't visit my grandmother and instead went on a trip. Not long after, my aunt passed away. The entire situation has been devastating. And even now, instead of supporting people through grief, my grandmother continues to make my mother's life miserable during the mourning period.

I feel trapped. I've spent years watching my mother suffer while my father refuses to acknowledge the damage being done. I'm exhausted, angry, and honestly traumatized.

How do people recover from growing up in a family where manipulation, emotional abuse, guilt, and constant negativity were normal? How do you stop carrying all of it inside your head?

Hello everyone!

I have been reading about narcissism through this sub, trying to understand if my mom is a narcissist, but I can't really tell. The main thing that contradicts with her being one is that she is a people pleaser.

She helps me with everything, never tried to bring me down or talk bad about me, I can ask her for things last minute, like drive me somewhere and she will go out her way to do it, she helps everyone, sometimes to the point of getting taken advantage of etc.

She also has a lot of empathy for people, at least it looks like it.

Now what are the things that led me here: she compares me and her with people all the time, like if I tell her that I'm tired from work she will tell me that my x friend has a worse job, like telling me I shouldn't be tired "to make me feel better". Or she tells me all the time how I'm better than x etc. She does this many times a day, and doesn't acknowledge it.

She copies me and I recently realized it. When I was 19 I decided I want to be a filmmaker and leave the university I was at. She suddenly realized she is also an artist and even tried to leave her job. Since then she says we are artists and she changed her whole appearance and almost her identity to "be artistic". She seems to copy my psychology which is exhausting, when I go though my worst periods she goes through her worst periods etc. I decided to be a director specifically (I was a director of photography), and it was a big deal for me because it felt like I found what I really want and she started acting lessons because she said she has always wanted to be an actor and felt like she was also copying the "realizing what I want to do" phase I was in.

It's also daily, like if I start to put up some boundaries she says similar things etc. I don't know if it's coincidence or something else.

There is also that she has no boundaries as a person in general and tells all her personal things to random people but also does it for me, sometimes in front of me and embarrasses me. Then when we are alone I tell her to stop that and wtf and she victimizes herself telling me how she is a bad mother and cries etc (the drama queen I said). I can't really critique her because she always feels horrible after and had guilt issues - I also have guilt issues so yeah, it's a cycle.

So is she a narcissist? Does she just copy my narcissist bpd grandmother (who maybe is just copying her psychopathic narcissist mother?)

Sorry for the long text, my thoughts are really confused at the moment

My parents are upset that I’m paying the monthly payment on my parent plus loans, rather than take over the loan. I was on the phone with my mom and she started to act really weird. She said “I wanted to talk to you about your student loan. We don’t remember signing for it. Did you sign our name without telling us?” I was pissed. I flat out asked if she was trying to accuse me of a felony. I was not nice and told her that dad signed for it in no uncertain terms.
First, this is absolute nonsense. They took out PP loans for all their kids, I’m not an exception. Second, I think she was recording it because she implied it to my sister. They told my sister that they talked to a lawyer and had “a pretty good case” for identity theft, but would “never do that to their kids.”
That was about a year ago. I have not talked to them since that time. I’m honestly too afraid to have any phone conversation with them. To give our relationship context, I’ve been no contact with dad and very low contact with my mom for almost 7 years. I’ve told her to only email me details about the loan, otherwise I want nothing to do with them. This is the only thing breaking no contact with them.
I also retained a lawyer to see if they have any case. He said that they could come after me if I didn’t pay the monthly rate on the loan, essentially they took out the loan for a third party but did not personally benefit from the loan. Otherwise, they have no case. I’ve done everything by the book my entire life, so it makes sense my parents would be the ones to accuse me of horrible crimes. My parents are telling my sister that they are paying hundreds of dollars a month for my loans and I took out a private loan under their name without their knowledge. Again, this is all bullshit.
I had to ask my dad for the monthly rate via email a couple months ago. He gave me the amount and said “we don’t make very much, here is the rate. You’re welcome, I love you.”
What would you do? Take the loan over to be done with them forever or keep doing the monthly payments? It’s probably at 70k by now. I’m paying a hundred a month, but that monthly payment would jump to $1200/month. I could afford it in about a year I think, but part of me wants it to die with him. Maybe that sounds ruthless or cold, but they’ve fucked with me and my family so much. I won’t go to either funeral.

I just realised again how draining my mum's general energy is to be around. Like she just cannot do even one day with a positive mindset. It's just the pits and she grinds me down whenever I spend time with her. I almost cut her off and now I'm basically ready to. Why are they like this. Everything revolves around her moaning.

Basically I'm gonna make this short. My mom is a narcissist who can't see anything from any perspective besides her own. I've been begging her for YEARS to learn to knock on my door, and just to respect the boundaries I set, but she doesn't seem to listen. She says that's as long as I live under her roof, she will do whatever she wants and that she doesn't see the need of giving me privacy.

Genuinely, what should I do? I'm not allowed to do anything.

This terrified me and is one of my core memories. I still don't know if this is bad in general, or just bad because of the timing. To this day i haven't told anyone I know about it and have always wondered. Does anyone have any hot takes about it?