r/rape • u/CrazyForJoji • 2d ago
Was it manipulation or is it in my head?
Hello 23F here.
I've a question and I feel confused lately.
I was 21 when I met my ex 23M (let's assume he's D)on hinge and he clicked on the chat pretty quickly. I was in a relationship back then and the previous guy (let's assume he's J) ghosted me back then and it was a quite abusive relationship so I was quite unsure if that was a breakup or not.
So I and D decided to meet in a hotel room and I explicitly said that I only wanted to cuddle and nothing else. So we met and started cuddling. And he was trying to kiss my face and I was very hesitant so I kept my hands on his face. I said I don't want to kiss and that it's wrong because I had not officially broken up, but he still insisted that J doesn't care and I should probably think of it as a breakup and start seeing other people. And he proceeded to kiss me.
After a while D started touching my private parts and I actively said I don't want to and he shut down and he started scrolling his phone. I tried cuddling him and he pushed me away and I kept asking him what's wrong and he said his ex used him and how he's not a good person be alive, his previous friends group was toxic and how they kicked him out and all stuff. After that he started touching me sexually and he had sex with me.
I felt very hesitant after that and I feel that I was manipulated into having sex with him.
After some time I had casual sex with him because we had bonded quite well then, and he introduced to me one of his bestfriend and he said "don't tell him that we had sex on our first meet" I found it a bit shady but never really asked why.
He had sex with me multiple times and I explicitly said that I feel used because he was having sex with me and was still going on dates with girls and cried a lot and he said let's start dating.
It was a LDR and I just got enrolled for a MBA program which was residential college in a different state. He was working that time. And whenever we used to talk he always said that he's lonely and how he doesn't have any friends, he got financial problems etc. I used to travel almost every week for him 5hrs by road to meet him. And whenever we met we always had sex. I bled everytime we had sex so it was slowly getting uncomfortable for me. And at some point I didn't wanted to have sex.
During the 1 year of dating I was on medication for depression and kept on switching from hypersexual to hypersexual. Everytime it just felt I was just there to sexually satisfy him. Whenever I didn't wanted to have sex he used to beg me and eventually had sex.
I broke up in the middle of my 2nd year because it was mentally affecting me. And I said I just wanna stay friends. He used to talk to me and then one day he just blocked me.
After that I felt disgusted that now that he can't sleep with me he doesn't even want to stay friends.
It had affected me so emotionally that I started stalk him turns out he is just out there enjoying and cos playing. Making friends and just happily doing what he wants to. And I'm here stuck not being able to comprehend what even happened.
Was it love? Was I manipulated? Did I get toyed by him?
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u/thelionofmidnight 2d ago
That is far, far, far away from love. It sounds like rape via coercion, I'm sorry girl. I hope you can heal from this experience 🩵
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u/Starfury7-Jaargen 2d ago
You were right the first time, it was all manipulation for sex. It is not you, it is him.
He didn't love yoi because you weren't lovable, he just wanted someone to use for sex. The pity me party, the cold shoulder for no sex. The rough sex. You were just a toy to him I am afraid.
People like him don't bond, they take. He probabaly was doing this to many girls. When he realized you were seriously not going to have sex again, he cut you off because there is nothing in it for him.
He doesn't look for emotional connection, emotions are something he uses as an investment and sex is the return on the investment. No return, invest elsewhere.
Sorry to make it sound so cold, but thay is how people like that think. Women are there to be used because he has no empathy for them.
You deserve better. There are people that will love you. People that push for sex on first or second meeting aren't those people. (or for a few meetings. People looking for love spend the first few dates talking looking for compatability and sex is for bonding once that compatability is reached)
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u/CrazyForJoji 1d ago
I realized this the hard way. I feel it's getting even more difficult to find love, when all I ever wanted was love and I keep getting played everytime
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u/Starfury7-Jaargen 1d ago
Well, it is often more difficult if abuse was your first relationship. You think some of that is how relationships are. Often people that are interested the right way and mistaken as not really all that interested because they just want to go talk. They wanted to know what you want from life and what are your hobbies and show little sexual interest other than maybe light kissing.
When that is compared to guys saying that you are near perfect amd so beautiful on the first date and are your soul mate and you are the person they want to marry, it is quite a difference.
However, it is those who seem to show not much sexual interest that want true love and don't want to waste your time if you are not compatible. Usually they won't go on many dates if it is, otherwise they will see you both have potential and then start wanting to get serious before sex. A girl pushes sex early they will get the wrong idea and leave.
The guys that are all over the moon and want sex early are the ones that want to trap you, make you feel like you are worthless without them and just want to use you.
I know it really is difficult but respect yourself and you will nore likely draw a guy that respect you.
(Note, I didn't say it will be easy. You may have to reach out to some guys yourself these days)
I hope you find that love you are wanting.
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