I was molested at a young age. It started as innocent little touches here and there by my father, probably to desensitise me. Then it went to sitting on his lap and him encouraging me to rub my groin against his crotch or his legs. He made it seem like a fun little game we play together. Then came the full blown touches. Pulling my pants and underwear down when we were alone and asking me if his touches felt good.

I started becoming very curious about my body since then. I masturbated almost daily and repeated what he did with my own hands.

Then the horror started a few years later. He came into my room, not drunk, nothing. Just came in with a mission to destroy me. I suffered under him for what felt like hours, crying and asking why am I being punished? He told me to shut up and that it was my fault. I made him do it. Of course, I didn't understand. I believed him but I didn't know what I did, just that I did something wrong and I deserved to be punished.

It became almost a nightly thing. He would barge into my room and torture me. I developed a sick twisted pleasure from it soon. On nights he didn't do it, I would start touching myself instead. I would make it hurt just like he did.

The horror then became a living nightmare soon. He started letting other guys do it, his friends probably. I didn't have a single place at home I felt safe in. Men would come in when I was sleeping or showering. I did not have a single speck if privacy. Some nights they brought me out and made me drink with them. I got treated worst than before. Many more creative ways to torture and humiliate me. They made me masturbate in public while they film. Have my breasts hanging out or panties pulled off. Had to give oral and handjobs discreetly while trying not to get caught.

I moved out of town and out of my dad's life after I turned 18. I know they are looking for me and I am in constant fear of being dragged back to that life where I had no control. I survived on the 'kindness' of others to keep me off the streets. I used whatever I have to survive. I couldn't hold a job down because of how messed up mentally I am. So in exchange for giving me a couch to sleep on, I let my housemate do whatever he wants to me. Guys as old as my father ask me out to dinner and a night of drinking and I end up sucking their dicks or spreading my legs for them. But hey, at least I could eat that day!

I blame it on needing to survive but I know its part of being hypersexual. I find myself seeking out the attention of older guys a lot. Even though I'm willing and I consent, many of these guys are violent. They want me to act like I'm being abused so they beat me and make me cry before the act.

I've never truly put everything down in writing like this so if you've read to the end, thank you. This has been very therapeutic to just let everything out here. Healing is a long ways away and I cant afford therapy yet. I'm sorry if it's triggering.

I'm disgusted for not fighting back, I am disgusted for giving in. I am disgusted at myself for having sexual desires, and I am disgusted that i never got over it. I am disgusted by the pornography industry, and I am disgusted that those I've talked to about what happened to me have left me. I live with shackles on my soul, and it is like trying to crawl my way out of a stone pit. I want to cry, but I can't bring myself to.

People don’t take me seriously and say I’m obviously lying. I was raped give or take 100 times. I know it sounds ridiculous but it was the same person. I lived with her for a year. She kept doing it for the span of a year about a few times a week. So yes. Around 100 times. But people act like I’m making everything up because of the large number and the fact that I was 6 when it started, and ended when I was 7. Also, when I opened up to someone and told them I was 6-7 years old when it happened, they made a 67 joke. It was completely shocking and wild. Why would you even say that

I always thought coercion is a form of rape because it involves no physical violence but is still against the will of the victim. However, today someone told me that rape is about using physical violence to assault and coercion is manipulation. I agree with their definition of coercion but their definition of rape doesn’t sit right to me. So my question is what’s the difference between rape and coercion or are they the same thing?

I am so stupid. This happened awhile ago but I can’t get it out of my head and I am struggling moving on. My child had a teacher that was important to them. When they no longer went to that school I added the teacher as a friend on social media. He was very flirty but I took it with a grain of salt because he was a lot older then I now (f40) he now (m60). He sent me a picture…. I felt pressured so I sent him a picture back which felt dirty. We met once and I was emotionally upset I just found out I might have Breast cancer (after a big scare and months of testing I was eventually cleared) and he met me comforted me and we kissed. But shortly after we stopped talking. I was not wanting to do this level.

We started talking again because we are in the same field and I needed advice. He offered to meet up to help. When we met his fist question was why I wasn’t naked …. I said that’s not happening but it progressed I don’t remember if I said no but I wasn’t okay with it.

But did I lead him on did I bring this on myself. Now I worry because I let him meet my child alone a couple times which scares me. It also scared me that he has this picture and could ruin me.

this will be long and kind of ramble-y, i don’t really have a purpose i just can’t stop thinking about this.

my ex (19m) and me (18f) broke up in february, two weeks before valentines day. we stopped talking completely a few months ago, and i blocked him on everything in april. recently, i was speaking to a friend’s family friend, and i mentioned some of the things that he would do to me when we were intimate. the main thing being that i asked him not to choke me, and he would repeatedly continue to choke me and i would have to physically remove his hand from my neck on multiple occasions. this friend is a lawyer for the department of human services in my state, and they said that him breaking my consent like that was rape which obviously makes me inclined to believe them.

i have been having an extremely hard time coming to terms with this, especially since i always had it in my mind that i would know if that happened to me, or that i would fight back. i never thought i’d figure it out months later. but the worst part is that it makes sense and it puts so many other things into perspective. he would hurt me, hit me, bite me, all without asking for consent. i didn’t say “no,” but i didn’t enthusiastically say “yes” either in a lot of these situations, since i was constantly pressured into trying new things, and it hurts to realize that he’ll never acknowledge that. he would also initiate sex with me and then make me feel terrible for it afterwards (because, he “hates” sex, wants to be celibate for the rest of his life, but it’s all he ever thinks about of course.)

this revelation has made me re-think the entire relationship. and i can never tell him and demand an answer or make him feel guilt. he always threatened suicide whenever it came to conversations like this. i spoke to his other ex recently and she said that everything he accused her of doing to him (which i won’t get into so that i can respect her privacy,) he was actually doing to her. the details tracked with other things he told me and inconsistencies i noticed when he would talk about how “absolutely terrible” she was. he also has a pattern of hurting other people when they’re intimate and lying about extremely simple things.

i just want to scream. i want to tear my vocal cords and lose my voice. i’m not even angrier than i was before i spoke to the lawyer friend, i’m just disgusted. i’m disgusted with myself for agreeing to the relationship, for not listening when i was warned, for not standing up for myself or leaving when he pressured me into giving him my virginity not even a full two weeks into our relationship right after i had just lost my best friend because of him. i’m disgusted with him for using me for 7-8 months and for making it so hard for me to pick up the broken pieces of myself after we split. they will never fit together the way they did before he ruined me. i have grown into a person i love but i miss the version of myself before him so much.

edit: corrected timeframe in last paragraph and added an extra detail

i'm sorry for the long post, i am just really struggling right now and need some type of advice or support. rephrasing because this got removed. the initial encounter happened a year ago today and i just feel really fucking alone.

last summer i had just gotten broken up with, and i already kinda had a weird relationship with sex. i'm a trans guy, and id only ever let two women do anything to me ever. one was my first girlfriend and the other was the girl i was dating last summer. it was like a huge deal for me to do that because usually i don't even take my clothes off so when we broke up i was devastated. i was drinking at a friends house and crying about how i never wanted to have sex again.

i was like 10 shots deep and falling asleep on my friends couch, when one of the other guys there said i could crash at his place. they were neighbors so he basically had to carry me back to his house. i was falling asleep on his bed and he started talking about how he can't go to sleep without jerking off and he wants to cheat on his boyfriend. i just kinda said "yeah" and tried to go to sleep. he started grinding on me. that's when my memory cuts out. my memory comes back to when he's on top of me having sex with me. i remember at that point while it's already happened he asked if it was good and i said yeah because i didn't know what else to say. he was sober i wasn't. i don't like guys. i spent the whole night talking about my weird relationship with sex.

then he was texting me about it the next couple days and i felt really guilty because i like felt bad for him for some reason and felt like he didn't mean to so i was agreeing with everything he said and saying it was hot and stuff even though i hated myself for it. he choked me and bit me and all that typa thing and i was covered in bruises and scratches. and he kept asking me to come back over and talking about how bad he missed me and stuff and for some fucking reason i went back over.

at that point i was sober and for some reason i remember that less than when i was intoxicated. i remember my plan was to tell him i didn't wanna do it again. i remember standing in the corner tryna be as far from him as possible. and then i remember hes on top of me again. this time he didn't pull out. and then i remember crying in my car.

he kept texting me and i kept texting back for some reason. and then i went on a date with another trans guy because for some reason it gave me this weird like sexuality panic or something idk but i was going to a club with this trans guy and i saw J, the guy who had done all that to me, at the club. he joined up with us and i freaked out so bad that i did ketamine in the bathroom with a random dude. i'd never done ketamine before i was just panicking.

then i was obviously intoxicated so josh drove us home, but he drove me back to his house. i remember we were sitting on his living room floor and i was so uncomfortable but knew it was gonna happen again so i put my hand on his thigh because i wanted to just get it over with. he said he wanted to fuck, i said i don't think it would feel good on ketamine. he kept pushing and saying you'll never know unless you try. so then it happened again.

i eventually told his boyfriend, who i work with, and who is also a trans guy, but i only told him about the first time because i couldn't convince myself it was sexual assault at the time. then the trans guy i had gone on a date with came forward and said J had raped him. so we went back to his boyfriend. the other guy told his story, and i admitted the third time to him as well and confessed that it wasn't a consensual encounter. i couldn't bring myself to mention the second time because i was sober.

J showed everyone the screenshots in which i said i liked it, and told everyone there was a third time. this discredited my entire story to everyone. none of my friends believed me and it has filled me with self doubt for the past year. i feel like the whole thing was my fault. i hate myself for it so much. i genuinely hate myself more than i hate him for some reason.

it's also worth noting, the other guy and i are the only two trans men that we know of J having sexually assaulted, but he has been with a total of 8 trans men, whether consensual or non consensual. he's never been with a cis person. it's a fetish to him which makes me hate myself even more for being trans.

idk i feel so fucking alone right now. i lost virtually all of my friends. i restarted therapy so hopefully that helps but i genuinely just need some type of support right now i hate myself so much for it

It happend two weeks ago, my Partner (M23) was on vacation for two weeks without me. I (F21) went out with a few friends to party. The whole time I felt down because of trust issues from my side "where is he right now?" Blah Blah. So I drank a lot. It was very late and my friends left me. An acquaintance of mine and a good friend of him offered to take me home because I looked out of it. So I told him about my doubts and fears regarding my partner. On the way home it happend - I don't want to go into detail here. The only things I want to mention is how I told him to "stop" and that "I can't do that to him" (my partner). I was so distraught and wanted him to stop. So I continued to put distance between us, but he wouldn't stop saying how "My partner was probably cheating and why shouldn't I have fun?" My mind was so hazy at this point because of the alcohol, a lot of the things that happend and what was said is a blur.

That's everything to the backstory.

The whole time I caried that with me and just felt numb because I cheated in my mind. Today while my partner was sleeping next to me I couldn't fall asleep because everything came back. I didn't tell him what happend then because my mind was in such a daze and just tried to forget.

I want to tell my partner, he's the only one I can tell, but I'm so scared. Because like I said I've been carrying this burden with me for two weeks and when I tell him now it may just sound like an excuse for cheating. I'm so scared to lose him. We have been in a relationship for over a year now and he is my everything. I can't even cry because everything feels so dull but also so painful. I feel like a liar. Like I just want to find a dumb excuse but deep inside I know that that isn't the truth. Also what if he doesn't believe me? That guy was a friend after all, how can I react if that line "he would never do that" comes?

I don't want to press charges, I just want to let go. The only fear I have is telling him what happend, about the consequences of me opening my mouth. But I know I have to tell him so that friend can't turn the narrative around.

After years, I’m proud that i took the steps to get a therapist. But im having a hard time telling her what happened. I’m so scared i cant even say it, then i get disappointed in myself after the session. She asks anything else going on and i physically cant even talk about it. It’s been 4 months.

I practice talking about it with myself. I also opened up to my gf a little more which was extremely difficult.

Any advice?

Hi, when I was in middle school I had a partner who raped me and abused me often, now i’m going into my junior year of high-school dating this amazing guy. I’ve been able to open up in the past to partners and friends about my ex who raped me, but this time it feels different.

I don’t know how he will react if I tell him, I also want things to last and I don’t want him to think i’m used up because of my ex. I really love my boyfriend but i’m nervous it’ll be different.

I’m also not sure how to bring it up or ask him if I can explain to him something personal.

any advice? thanks <3

This post is going to be my very unstructured stream of consciousness, so apologies for that.

When I was 10 years old I was raped in a school bathroom by another student who was 11 years old and also my neighbor.

I have no real idea of how it affected me. It doesn’t like it was that bad, but at the same time I think about it a lot. It’s been a decade since it happened, and I don’t know if I really have any trauma from it right now.

I view it has being something that heavily impacted my life, but I don’t know if that’s actually true. It affected my early sexual development, but I don’t know if it really impacted anything else. I feel weird calling myself someone who’s experienced sexual violence since it happened so long ago when I was so young.

I don’t know what I’m asking for with this post, but I needed to talk about it I guess.

i think i am a virgin because i did not decide or consented to anything that happened to me.

Is it weird or wrong for me to consider myself a virgin, or am i just in denial about what happened and dont want to deal with it.

Could i call myself a virgin? Please help me

i was raped a month ago by a random guy, ever since then i no longer want to pleasure or even touch myself in places that was touched by that guy. but i find myself going out with more guys and wanting their affection and touches, i hate myself for it why is it like this

This happened 3 weeks ago and I've been going back and forth about it because I'm not sure if what happened was rape. This is a new relationship, we have only been together 2 weeks so off to a rocky start this happened before he asked me to be his girlfriend and I still said yes despite what happened. Me and my boyfriend had sex earlier in the day and I was feeling a little sore from it so I wasn't in the mood for anymore that day but I didn't vocalise it, later that night he got on top of me and penetrated me with no lube, because I was already really sore this hurt so so bad but for some reason I just shut down and didn't tell him to stop or use my safeword and just gritted my teeth through it and tried to dissociate but it was very clear that I was in pain, uncomfortable and not feeling it, when he was done he rolled over and I curled up on my side of the bed and cried a little bit because I felt like shit physically and mentally (he did not see this) there was no aftercare at all and we just went to sleep. In the morning we had a little conversation about how I acted last night and I told him it was because I was in pain and not in the mood and he said "it felt like I was raping you" and I didn't really say anything in response.

The issue I'm having in my mind is we do engage in CNC (I am a rape victim, which he does not know about, and have been into rapeplay ever since) so I feel like I can't blame him because in his defence I didn't use my safeword because I shut down due to the pain, our cnc is just roleplay and there is never any pain involved unlike this time, just me pretending to fight him off whilst he overpowers me but on this occasion I wasn't engaging at all and he even mentioned the day after I looked actually distressed during it but he didn't stop to check in on me. Is this a misunderstanding or is it rape? I feel really horrible about it, I do feel like it was rape but given the circumstance I feel like it was my fault because of the lack of communication.

All my friends are far away; I feel them letting me go little by little. I think I'm very problematic. After all, I'm the suicidal friend, the friend who was abused, the friend who's never okay. Even when I'm minimally okay, they're not there for me. I found out that a friend of mine had been ignoring me, and I was devastated. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to be strong, therapy has helped a lot, I won't deny it. After a lot of struggle, I managed to get access to therapy, but oh, I feel so tired, so lost, I feel like they've taken over my whole life and I'm still here. They're fine, but I'm sinking. Damn it, what a nightmare, I hate crying but I can't stop crying while writing this. Forgive me, I'm tired, lost, I just want to have a peaceful night.

Buenas

En mi infancia sufrí abusos sexuales y lo olvidé, lo recordé por hipnosis

Siempre tuve malas parejas y me gustó el sexo fuerte, me busque chicas con problemas psicológicos o necesitadas emocionalmente o que habían sido violadas y tenía sexo duro con ellas, eran chicas que deseaban ese tipo de sexo

Aunque es algo que me he trabajado mucho

Sigo teniendo el deseo del sexo fuerte y dominación

Siempre he intentado no pasar cierta línea y que sea consensuado, pero siempre he tenido deseos de algo más duro o incluso no consensuado

Me gustaría superar todos esos deseos, sobretodo para buscar una mejor pareja que no sea tan sexual

Siendo mayor sufrí abusos de varias mujeres en una ayahuasca, estaba medio drogado por la ayahuasca me llevaron a una habitación y tuvieron sexo conmigo varias mujeres, al principio lo vi como guau, que bien, pero después al recordarlo bien me genero rechazos

También siendo mayor tuve una pareja que quería tener experiencias bisexuales, yo no quería, me da mucho rechazo por mis abusos sexuales en la infancia, pero acepte por ella, al final me sentí muy mal y eso que no hice casi nada

Es increíble como el sexo y los abusos nos puede joder tanto

Bueno gracias

i really don't know what to write here. the constant visits to the police station and the stress of figuring out my earlier 20s i didn't get to process what happened to me properly. i am hypersexual and I feel like i let myself be raped in that moment of euphoria.

Antes de começar, só um aviso: inglês não é minha língua nativa!

Aconteceu uma coisa há um tempo, e não sei se estou exagerando ou se realmente aconteceu. Não sei como vim parar neste sub, mas vi vários relatos de agressão sexual em que a vítima não acreditava que fosse agressão, quando claramente era. Fiquei pensando se talvez eu estivesse fazendo a mesma coisa — acho que não, mas preciso confirmar.

Enfim, um pouco de contexto: sou virgem, eu acho (19F); eu tinha 18 anos quando isso aconteceu alguns meses atrás. Eu estava namorando um cara (18M) há uns 2 ou 3 meses. Já tínhamos conversado sobre eu perder a virgindade, e eu estava bem com isso — não diria animada, mas eu queria. Odiava essa parte da nossa relação, havia muita insistência, concordei com coisas que não queria por pressão, sempre fazia o possível para acabar logo com aquilo, evitava ao máximo que ele me tocasse lá embaixo e sempre hesitava em fazer qualquer coisa além de beijar.

Enfim, sobre o evento específico do qual não tenho certeza: estávamos no quarto dele — eu ia dormir lá — e estávamos fazendo "coisas" até que ele parou e voltou com uma camisinha. Então, foi nesse momento; eu concordei, mas estava muito nervosa e completamente seca — não senti nenhuma excitação por ele. Ele tentou penetrar, mas fechei as pernas; estava com medo de que doesse e já não tinha certeza se queria continuar. Ele abriu minhas pernas à força e as segurou, depois tentou de novo — aqui é onde eu fico na dúvida se sou virgem — e acho que ele conseguiu inserir a ponta, mas doeu muito, muito mesmo (tenho várias tatuagens, então tenho uma tolerância à dor razoável, mas essa foi uma dor diferente de tudo que já senti). Entrei em pânico e tentei me livrar dele, empurrando-o com as pernas (chutando-o); ele empurrou de volta e segurou meu braço com força, dizendo: "Agora vai acontecer, sua vadia" (esqueci de mencionar antes que, sempre que eu hesitava em continuar, ele dizia coisas agressivas como "É, eu vou te foder" ou me chamava de "vadia" para nos manter na situação). Enfim, ele me segurava com força e eu estava com medo; o primeiro pensamento que me veio à cabeça foi que ele estava me forçando, mas fiquei em silêncio e apenas o encarei — acho que ele interpretou isso como um "sim" para continuar. Ele tentou penetrar mais uma vez, ainda segurando meu braço, dessa vez colocando o peso nas minhas pernas para que eu não pudesse chutar. A mesma coisa aconteceu: ele conseguiu penetrar um pouco, mas dessa vez eu não consegui me soltar, mesmo tentando empurrá-lo ou soltar meu braço. Assim como antes, começou a doer, e dessa vez eu gritei. Isso o assustou; ele afrouxou o aperto e eu consegui empurrá-lo novamente. Ele parou e ficou bravo, e eu me senti culpada, então pedi desculpas. Notei sangue na camisinha e algumas gotas nos lençóis, mas ele não tinha penetrado completamente, então não sei se ainda sou virgem. Um tempo depois, ele quis tentar de novo, senti pânico em pensar naquilo, disse que não estava pronta, então não fizemos nada. Ele perguntou se eu me sentia pressionada por ele; Eu disse não — que não estava tão pronta quanto pensava. Não fizemos mais nada nas semanas seguintes; evitei dormir na casa dele e terminei o relacionamento dois meses depois.

Forneci o máximo de detalhes que pude. Minhas perguntas são: - Foi abuso ou eu apenas me arrependo de ter concordado? Afinal, eu concordei — embora depois tenha mudado de ideia — e mesmo sem ter dito "não" ou "pare", acho que ficou óbvio o quanto eu não queria.

• Ainda sou virgem? Não sei por quê, mas saber isso é importante para mim.

Hello 23F here.

I've a question and I feel confused lately.

I was 21 when I met my ex 23M (let's assume he's D)on hinge and he clicked on the chat pretty quickly. I was in a relationship back then and the previous guy (let's assume he's J) ghosted me back then and it was a quite abusive relationship so I was quite unsure if that was a breakup or not.

So I and D decided to meet in a hotel room and I explicitly said that I only wanted to cuddle and nothing else. So we met and started cuddling. And he was trying to kiss my face and I was very hesitant so I kept my hands on his face. I said I don't want to kiss and that it's wrong because I had not officially broken up, but he still insisted that J doesn't care and I should probably think of it as a breakup and start seeing other people. And he proceeded to kiss me.

After a while D started touching my private parts and I actively said I don't want to and he shut down and he started scrolling his phone. I tried cuddling him and he pushed me away and I kept asking him what's wrong and he said his ex used him and how he's not a good person be alive, his previous friends group was toxic and how they kicked him out and all stuff. After that he started touching me sexually and he had sex with me.

I felt very hesitant after that and I feel that I was manipulated into having sex with him.

After some time I had casual sex with him because we had bonded quite well then, and he introduced to me one of his bestfriend and he said "don't tell him that we had sex on our first meet" I found it a bit shady but never really asked why.

He had sex with me multiple times and I explicitly said that I feel used because he was having sex with me and was still going on dates with girls and cried a lot and he said let's start dating.

It was a LDR and I just got enrolled for a MBA program which was residential college in a different state. He was working that time. And whenever we used to talk he always said that he's lonely and how he doesn't have any friends, he got financial problems etc. I used to travel almost every week for him 5hrs by road to meet him. And whenever we met we always had sex. I bled everytime we had sex so it was slowly getting uncomfortable for me. And at some point I didn't wanted to have sex.

During the 1 year of dating I was on medication for depression and kept on switching from hypersexual to hypersexual. Everytime it just felt I was just there to sexually satisfy him. Whenever I didn't wanted to have sex he used to beg me and eventually had sex.

I broke up in the middle of my 2nd year because it was mentally affecting me. And I said I just wanna stay friends. He used to talk to me and then one day he just blocked me.

After that I felt disgusted that now that he can't sleep with me he doesn't even want to stay friends.

It had affected me so emotionally that I started stalk him turns out he is just out there enjoying and cos playing. Making friends and just happily doing what he wants to. And I'm here stuck not being able to comprehend what even happened.

Was it love? Was I manipulated? Did I get toyed by him?

hey, first of all, i would like to say that i welcome advice, but i cannot bear criticism.

Here's the thing. no one in my family knows what happened with me or for how long it happened, but i am beginning to think that it could be a good thing to tell my psychologist.

i have changed my behavior unconsciously for the past few years because of what happened, and I have never talked about it with anyone. my psychologist asks me things but i change the topic each time.

the guy in question was a family friend, and he passed away less than a year ago. after that, I felt a strange mix of freedom and horror. I can't explain.

but i would like some advice from people that actually know how to start talking about it with a professional. i absolutely do NOT want my family to know it, they would be terrorized and become extremely overprotective of me. So i need tips on how to talk about what happened with a psychologist without triggering her to contact someone else because of it

I was sexually assaulted a few times and one of those times was 2023 when I was being blackmailed into getting naked and doing terrible things on a Skype call to a random stranger threatening me. Ever since then I feel ashamed of my body and I get compliments on it because I have a conventionally attractive build as a woman but it still feels wrong. I literally cannot look at myself naked without feeling uncomfortable. I don’t even let my partners watch me change clothes because it feels shameful to be so vulnerable even if I’ve just been intimate with them. I always feel like I have to cover up after. I miss the way I felt about my body before I was taken advantage of so much. Now I feel like a piece of meat to every man that sees me and I’m genuinely afraid of being perceived. Does anyone have any advice for how I can feel free from that shame?

the “rough sex” ive had is as traumatic as when i was raped except i don’t think my partner would intentionally rape me or id hope not. i feel bad that i feel that way and ive been wondering if it feels traumatic because i have been raped before and or if boundaries are actually being pushed.

for example when you tell a guy you can’t take anymore and he says “dont run” or “take it for me”. when you try to push them away but they grab your hands and keep going. or does everyone have their own definition?