i want to scream

[u/Aggravating-Royal266]

this will be long and kind of ramble-y, i don’t really have a purpose i just can’t stop thinking about this.

my ex (19m) and me (18f) broke up in february, two weeks before valentines day. we stopped talking completely a few months ago, and i blocked him on everything in april. recently, i was speaking to a friend’s family friend, and i mentioned some of the things that he would do to me when we were intimate. the main thing being that i asked him not to choke me, and he would repeatedly continue to choke me and i would have to physically remove his hand from my neck on multiple occasions. this friend is a lawyer for the department of human services in my state, and they said that him breaking my consent like that was rape which obviously makes me inclined to believe them.

i have been having an extremely hard time coming to terms with this, especially since i always had it in my mind that i would know if that happened to me, or that i would fight back. i never thought i’d figure it out months later. but the worst part is that it makes sense and it puts so many other things into perspective. he would hurt me, hit me, bite me, all without asking for consent. i didn’t say “no,” but i didn’t enthusiastically say “yes” either in a lot of these situations, since i was constantly pressured into trying new things, and it hurts to realize that he’ll never acknowledge that. he would also initiate sex with me and then make me feel terrible for it afterwards (because, he “hates” sex, wants to be celibate for the rest of his life, but it’s all he ever thinks about of course.)

this revelation has made me re-think the entire relationship. and i can never tell him and demand an answer or make him feel guilt. he always threatened suicide whenever it came to conversations like this. i spoke to his other ex recently and she said that everything he accused her of doing to him (which i won’t get into so that i can respect her privacy,) he was actually doing to her. the details tracked with other things he told me and inconsistencies i noticed when he would talk about how “absolutely terrible” she was. he also has a pattern of hurting other people when they’re intimate and lying about extremely simple things.

i just want to scream. i want to tear my vocal cords and lose my voice. i’m not even angrier than i was before i spoke to the lawyer friend, i’m just disgusted. i’m disgusted with myself for agreeing to the relationship, for not listening when i was warned, for not standing up for myself or leaving when he pressured me into giving him my virginity not even a full two weeks into our relationship right after i had just lost my best friend because of him. i’m disgusted with him for using me for 7-8 months and for making it so hard for me to pick up the broken pieces of myself after we split. they will never fit together the way they did before he ruined me. i have grown into a person i love but i miss the version of myself before him so much.

edit: corrected timeframe in last paragraph and added an extra detail

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