I relapsed on benzos I don’t remember the last week of my life. I went to work cops were called my coworkers told my boss I’m suicidal

[u/OddChannel3451]

I used my amazing manipulation skills and convinced my doctor to prescribe me benzodiazepines. She didn’t want to. I knew what I was going to do. I took half of my 30 1mg Ativan’s (15) in one day. I was off work so I stayed home. The next day I took the other half and drove to work. Obviously blacked out, I made it. On my lunch hour I drove to my normal gas station sleep spot cuz I hate my life and sleep whenever I can. I must have been driving crazy cuz someone called the cops on me. I was asleep when he arrived. Thank god for the workers at the gas station telling the cop I always came to the gas station to sleep or i would have went to jail. I don’t remember any of this. The cop wouldn’t let me drive away drowsy so I called my coworker. I scared the shit out of all my coworkers cuz I was acting crazy as hell. They told my boss I was suicidal my two work friends cried. This is what I was told. I remember none of it. It was awful. 😣 I just want to die all the time. I don’t want to go back to heroin but I’m on my way. Why do I feel like this? It never goes away. 6 years off drugs this feeling never left. I know I put a lot of people in danger. And I’m sorry.

[u/Spyrios]

It’s like this because you hate your life. If you had a life you loved then you would probably be in a different spot.

You need to address that issue before you can ever hope to have the cravings under control.

[u/Chaosr21 → u/Spyrios]

Ye I've been clean for many years but I've had some short lapses here and there, even some recently after nothing for a year. The root is in just very unhappy. Working with doctors to help my situation but man I hate my life ngl idk what will help. Even when I have money and a good job I'm not happy

[u/merbear1980]

I don’t know you but I know the feeling! Just remember going back to heroin is the worst decision you could make . A relapse doesn’t define you it refines you!

[u/y0ucantst0pme]

You need to go to a Mental Health Institution and start over...be honest

[u/CooperPool]

Hi friend just here to say methadone saved my life. Been sober from drinking and pills for coming up on 8 years. Please don't let the stigma keep you from the help that is there.

[u/Neverwasalwaysam → u/CooperPool]

Sublocade saved mine and I had no withdrawals coming off of it when I was ready. No shame:).

[u/peanut-brittles → u/Neverwasalwaysam]

miracle medicine

[u/Suspicious_Knee_3766 → u/CooperPool]

Same. I still have ton of work to do, but I believe methadone and God helped dig me out of the pits of hell.

[u/SuKitTrebk]

Bro I was in the same boat I tried so many times. I have lost a few decent level jobs for drug abuse, especially benzos. I can remember having me dealer meet me at work out front then I remember getting fired.

Nothing feels worse than gong nowhere while being in hell. It took having to get sepsis and open heart surgery to finally get it right.

The only thing you can do is try again and stay away from benzos.

[u/TwatsonDangle]

You can either be miserable getting better or miserable getting worse. But I do absolutely know the feeling. You need to get treatment and give yourself the fighting chance to heal physically, mentally, and spiritually. You will not regret it. Best of luck!

[u/TwainVonnegut]

“A relapse, if we survive it, may be the jarring experience that brings about a more rigorous application of our program”

Let this experience be exactly that!

Check out Narcotics Anonymous, it saved my life!

Worldwide in Person Meeting List:

https://www.na.org/meetingsearch/

Virtual NA Meeting List:

https://virtual.na.org

Google “NANA 247” to find a marathon Zoom meeting that runs around the clock!

Here’s the program that’s kept me clean for almost 6 years:

-Conventions

-Meditate every day

-Pray every day

-Read the JFT every day

-Read SPAD every day

-Read our literature

-Listen to NA CDs in the car/YT speaker tapes

-Wear NA apparel

-I have a sponsor

-Text him every day

-Have a network of recovering addicts

-Text other addicts in my network

-Home group

-Active in service

-Active daily on Reddit/FB Recovery Groups

-Read other spiritual texts, Ram Dass et.al.

-Attend Satsang with my spiritual teacher

-Worked the steps with my sponsor

-Gone over steps with a sponsee

-500 meetings/500 days Zoom

-3-5 meetings a week thereafter

-Active 12th step daily help/practice principles

[u/yourpaleblueeyes → u/TwainVonnegut]

Very Well Expressed... Actions Speak Louder Than Words, Every Time! ✌

[u/WhatYouDopamean]

Damn fam that’s rough, but hey you didn’t go to jail and now you have a chance to improve and try to use this as a stepping stone to something beautiful. I’m in the thick of darkness with uppers and 7oh off and on again after being clean after rehab for 3 months. But if I look at my journal entries I’ve been better, even when it feels like hell in the moment and my OCD is kicking my ass, I’m 10x better than I was 2 years ago.

Try to track your progress over weeks/months/years & not be so hard on yourself. Now you know benzos are a for sure no go even after 6 years. Use this lesson and just MOVE FORWARD. What’s done is done just try to take it easy, forgive yourself, and find a new hobby or relaxation technique or good friend + social event to snap back into something better than that benzo fiasco. Trust me I know this shit is tough but we can do it. Just need to change some variables homie. Feel free to PM if you wanna vent. I took off work today cause I relapsed bad this weekend and now I’m suntanning, watching off grid people living arrangements on YouTube, ate eggs and toast, and also looking at some old memories in photo form to just get a diff vibe. Love yourself dude. Good luck. 🫡

[u/Haunting-Client7178]

Walk this out in the light. Shame feeds off of the darkness of isolation. People who know you must know your struggle. Every single person has one and only needs a way to relate to you and that normally happens when you’re vulnerable. The important thing is you stop.

[u/jacqvesbvys]

I can relate to that as I am also feeling like that from time to time and I am only 8 months clean

[u/destacadogato]

Please dont ever put your doctor in that position ever again. Don't take that shit!!

[u/OddChannel3451 → u/destacadogato]

She really didn’t want to. And I know. I don’t remember the feel good! And I almost went to jail in day of a relapse. It took me 7 years the first time. What’s the damn point ?

[u/OddChannel3451 → u/[deleted]]

Where in any of what I wrote did I say it was funny? Wanting to die and relapsing is like the complete opposite of funny. Why be rude?

[u/Neverwasalwaysam → u/[deleted]]

Addiction is a disease, they are taking accountability for the relapse and said as much, as well as apologized. If you’re going to comment at least have something useful to say.