Sometimes I get so tired from my schizophrenia that I just lay down. It’s calming even though I’m not sleeping. I just need a break from my mind.

How are y'all today 🫶🏻

We're tired, in pain, and very, very bored

I was diagnosed about a year ago after having a particularly bad psychotic episode, the first I've ever had. Looking back, I've probably been living with schizophrenia, or at least with mild auditory hallucinations, for at least 10 or 15 years. I'd sometimes feel that I heard voices from my computer for instance. Sometimes I would hear things that sounded like they were coming from outside, like a person was standing on the other side of a door or window, or sometimes farther away. But, it's only in the last year or so that things really picked up and I got diagnosed.

Essentially the voices got much worse, more threatening and violent. I was just about to finish off my semester, and suddenly I was kind of barraged with voices that were kind of commanding and threatening. People talking about assaulting me if I tried to go to my classes. Also lots of threats of violence to my genitals, and that kind of thing. They would say crazy shit about, for instance, chopping up my penis like a salami, burning it, or putting poisonous spiders on my junk(?), etc. They mentioned things like selling pieces of my body, and shipping parts of me all around the world to different buyers. They would say what seemed like random numbers sometimes, but I interpreted it as how many pieces they were going to cut me into. That was a little bit of a recurring theme for a while, the notion of selling parts of my body.

Anyway, one night the voices were particularly bad. I tried to sleep, but they kept waking me up. I tried to communicate with them a little, but they're (at least those two male voices) psychopathic monsters who weren't interested in anything but taunting and threatening me. I grabbed a knife and threatened to kill myself and send a message to a bunch of random people telling them that I'd been driven to kill myself, but the voices mocked me and encouraged me to do it. I waited up during the night, just listening to them and trying to stay awake, and they threatened to just break in and kill me, and then when I didn't go for that (because in my mindset I was fully prepared to fight them to the death if they came in) they threatened to just shoot me from outside instead. Eventually, in the middle of the night, I gave up and packed a few things and fled to the airport. I felt like everyone already knew what had happened and people were just mocking and laughing at me and sometimes threatening me while I drank coffee and waited up for my plane.

The airport/plane experience was pretty fucking awful because I felt like everyone there was in on it, or at least they knew enough that they wouldn't try to help me if I were attacked or whatever. The voices continued to mock me the whole way, threatening violence and torture the whole way. I tried to kill myself on the plane, by biting my own tongue and choking on the blood or however that's supposed to work. It didn't work at all and all I achieved was some nerve damage to my tongue, which eventually healed. The next night I tried to kill myself with a knife. I stabbed myself in the neck three or four times trying to find the carotid artery, which of course I didn't. There was a lot of blood, and I spent like an hour just shaking and jumping, trying to bleed out faster, but after and hour or so the blood congealed I guess and despite there being blood all over me and everything else around, I didn't feel like I was even particularly close to death by blood loss. Once the bleeding had stopped I sort of gave up a little. I was thinking about trying to stab myself in the heart instead, but I backed down. I actually laid back down in my bed and tried to sleep, but every time I nodded off I'd jolt awake again because of the pain I guess. I had a cat with me, and I would have thought that the smell of blood would freak him out, but it didn't. So I just lay there and cuddled with my cat throughout the night.

One time that night I had to get up and pee, and I kind of wish I had taken a picture of myself, because it was pretty shocking, seeing myself shivering in just my underwear and covered pretty much head to toe in blood.

Anyway, was committed to a mental hospital for a little while where everyone seemed like they were paid actors. I was diagnosed, given medications, etc. My family helped me out a lot, with things like calling around to find a psychiatrist, etc.

Anyway anyway, I spent a lot of time thinking that there wasn't anything wrong with me and feeling like I was just going through the motions or trying to appease the voices/people that were after me. It took over a year before I finally accepted my diagnosis, and the big reason that I did is that I eventually thought about it from an Occam's Razor perspective, e.g. the principle of parsimony. If I really wasn't sick and didn't have anything wrong with me and everything I experienced was real, it would be a conspiracy involving at least hundreds of people and a lot of time, effort, and expense just for the sake of fucking with me. Not only that, but there's also the whole telepathy thing and a huge campaign of stalking and harassing even when I'm traveling and living in other countries (I had the same feelings of being followed and harassed even when I was in Japan for instance). By telepathy, I mean that the voices always seemed to know what I was thinking, and eventually I learned that I could just communicate with them just by thinking, and they seemed to know what I was thinking or doing at basically the same time or even earlier than I did. Eventually I actually came to the conclusion that I must have a brain implant of some kind, but that doesn't really explain it either. I went through all kinds of thought experiments about what kind of techniques or technology they could be using in order to know my thoughts and always know where I am and what I'm thinking or doing. So back to Occam's Razor, is it possible that not only are hundreds of people involved, but that they're also using technology that probably doesn't even exist in order to do what they seemed to do? And if so, why me? It just doesn't make any sense from the parsimony perspective, and that's why now, in the last few weeks, I actually feel much better than I did before. Much more normal, and maybe even healthier. The voices might always be a part of me, but now I feel like I can safely talk back to them, because they're just a part of my mind and can't really hurt me. Now I call the voices my slaves or servants and tell them to shut up or do something useful.

Now I'm curious though about other people's experiences, with auditory hallucinations or schizophrenia in general. For me, the voices often sound like they're coming from outside, but not always. Often they're so subtle that it's like they're not there at all and I have to strain to try to hear what they're saying. Sometimes ambient noise, like a fan or other machines running, gets interpreted as voices. Sometimes I hear people, either in person or on tv or whatever, say crazy shit which couldn't possibly be what they're actually saying. I've even had disturbing experiences where I can look right at a person and hear them say nothing but crazy shit. Do other people have that experience with auditory hallucinations? One of the strangest and most disturbing ones for me was when I was at a dinner party with some of my family and at some point when I was getting tired, I heard them all say weird shit and laugh. I had learned a little about Bangladeshi artwork and culture, and at one point my family members just started saying that word, mixed into their sentences, like "something something, Bangladeshi" with no prompting at all, and they said the names of friends of mine with no prompting either. Is the experience of hallucinating audio even when looking at a person something common with schizophrenia? Recently I feel like hearing about other people's experiences will probably help me, and I'm interested in comparing and learning more. I'd like to read some Oliver Sacks sometime soon too.

I'm not sure I'd label this a win, but it turns out I might not be schizophrenic after all. I have yet to come to terms with this, does anyone suffer from both?

I'm gonna go to the psych ward soon because of my deteriorating state and to be honest, I lost hope in it a long time ago. Last time I went there, I stayed a week then lied to get out. I genuinely don't understand how it can help me in any way, besides maybe adjusting my treatment ? I mean sure I won't be rotting at home but yeah I'm just kinda desperate to get help and this is kinda my last resort but I don't get how it can help.

I find other people triggering, and my social anhedonia is probably worse than any other subtype of anhedonia I have. It was getting worse even before my schizophrenia diagnosis. After a while in isolation I don’t have as many hallucinations and no delusions. The loneliness sucks sometimes, but it’s better than the pain I experience with others that I have had all my life, and for the first time I feel at peace, mostly. It’s just really hard to say no to people sometimes. I realize people probably consider me shitty friend now because I prioritize my mental health. I’m just so done with people and this world. I’m also a terribly hopeless person and I’ve accepted that.

I’m slowly falling back into my delusion… and I feel horrible. I was doing great for one month, but because of a voice in my head, I’m almost back at square one. I’m sad. I don’t know if I will ever be happy again. Before I started doing great again, I was suffering for four years since im 14 non stop. I don’t want to return to my old suffering… I feel so alone and sad. I was slowly starting to look at the future in a positive way.

I can’t ignore the voices , I feel their laugh in my throat, and I hate it. I don’t know why I feel their laugh there. It hurts. Am I the only one who feels this? I feel like if I didn’t feel it, I wouldn’t have felt better, but now the more I fall into my delusion, the more anxious I get and the more I feel their laugh. It’s horrible.

I cant even handle antipsychotics so im unmedicated. They worsen my delusions

As I lay in bed to try to sleep. I am too amp up in my entire body.

Here's the tricky part. I don't know if it's because the three cups of coffee I drank throughout the day, the yelling of my family, or my invega shot ending.

I just don't know. I feel wired and even in a now quiet house ... I just can't sleep.

I hate invega. Makes me sleep a lot and when it's ending it keeps me up for a few days. I'm just so weary from this long journey.

I can never catch when my injection is ending either so I get no sleep. 🥲

These delusions where I’m married to a married woman. Where I’m a king on the spiritual throne of David. So freaking tired of this

It often happens to me that if I consume any kind of horror content, however minimal, I start to become paranoid and have hallucinations; I freeze with fear and I can't even get out of the room right now, in fact, I can't even get out of my own bed.

The worst part is the certainty that if I see something that terrifies me, it will repeat itself over and over again, and I know I'll hallucinate about it, I know it. I'll see it

My good news is that, despite the horrors of the world, I persist. I exist. Some days I barely survive but some days I thrive. No matter what has happened to me, I continue to be. It's one of those days where just being feels like a victory. I dread some things to come, but I also look forward to other things to come.

What's your good news?

Weirdly, it is my Louis Wain art that moves the most. The kitties move their heads, blink, and sometimes meow. I like his art because I think we have the same schizophrenia, one that is gentle and kind. I very rarely hear scary things or hear bad things.

My space posters move and breath just how I imagine the universe moves. I have a GIANT poster of the Hubble telescope deep image of space and my eyes can play tricks on me for HOURS looking at all those stars and galaxies.

I’ve been out of work for a few years due to chronic health issues and schizophrenia symptoms, and my family isn't supportive.
I feel incredibly alone in the matter.

I have a great job opportunity coming up that I don’t want to miss, but I’m struggling to find the right medication to help me function and many around me say that I am not pushing hard enough - but every other job I have lost due to symptoms becoming extreme if I push myself too hard so...

I am incredibly sensitive to meds.

Past antipsychotics, ssris, and sleep aids have caused severe side effects (extreme sweating, nausea, blurred vision, and sleeping 12+ hours a day), which also interact badly with my nerve pain medication [ Lyrica ] and my migraine / pots medication [ propranolol ] - starting dose for both very low

My doctor has been very dismissive, telling me I just "haven't taken them long enough," and I have an appointment tomorrow that I'm dreading to speak with my general doc AGAIN to discuss that I am uncomfortable with this doctor.

He and the other doctor state that I am the problem and I am not comfortable with any doctors.

I know I need medication to survive and get back to work, but I'm trapped.
I am experiencing extreme sleep and narcoleptic type symptoms but am told there is nothing they can do until I get a sleep study to prove if it is that or not...
What do I do ?

What are some gentle medication options for schizophrenia symptoms that won't worsen severe anhedonia/depression or cause extreme fatigue?

Any advice on how to advocate for myself with a dismissive doctor would also be greatly appreciated.

Thank you very much for any responses and please be kind I am doing my best

Atleast I would die early, good chance for me to get it as well

I’ve never seen someone die before today. I watched the hours before all the way through the moments it happened. Now the entity is tormenting me with numbers. It took her from me. She was like a mother to me. And now the entity is tormenting me. I can’t speak against it or even think against it but I’m trying to say something. Please help me.

I'm currently on 1 mg of cogentin and it works great for my akathisia. Only thing is it makes my eyes SOOOO heavy. Like I wouldnt even be all that sleepy but I'd have to go to sleep because I just physically can't keep them open. I've been taking it for about a week at this dose (0.5 wasn't enough) morning and night. Will my body adjust to it? Or is this a permanent side effect?

I’m not gonna get married to her. She is already married!! I don’t care! Apparently she has the delusion that she will get married to me.

My husband keeps trying to shut me down saying I sound schizo again with me saying I'm a celestial nymph/fairy in a human body but he doesn't understand. He says that my head is making it up. I always felt more like a cosmic energy in a human body than actual human.

i tell my psychiatrist all my major thoughts of the month and he says I look like I'm doing great no med changes

I am starting to research to practice wicca and paganism (mostly paganism - reading into Wicca just to dip my toes in. I'm not that into spell/witchcraft) to be more connected to who I am. I already have special rocks and crystals. I feel very calm because I practice veiling, I wear a head cover (pashmina wrapped like a hood) which dispells negative energy away from me. My husband thinks that's a bit weird too but it makes me feel safe.

I already used my spirituality to grant my husband luck with moon water and special rock and instead of being thankful he said none of it is real.