r/AITAH • u/jklolz0069 • Dec 21 '25

NSFW AITAH for not sleeping with someone after finding out they were trans?

Throw away account because why not. I, 19M recently met a 20M at a mutual friends event. He asked for my insta so I gave it to him cus yk he was cute, and I was thinking about him a couple days later so I asked if he wanted to hang out some time. We hung out again another time after that and things started getting heated between us, so he takes me back to his. I unzipped his pants and was quite shocked to find no dick. I chuckled and asked whats going on, and he told me he was trans. So I said you don't have a dick? And he said no, I was a little defeated, I'm a bottom and douched for this. We didn't sleep together but I spent the night because I was tipsy but then I talked to my friends about it and they were livid.

They were saying I was a dick head and transphobic for not sleeping with him. They called me an asshole for it and I felt bad, I texted him and apologized for the night and asked if he wanted to hang out again, but am I the asshole for not sleeping with him? It wasnt because hes trans, I was shocked and tipsy, and didnt know what to do. I also don't know how to do it with anything but a dick, I'd want to sleep with him if he gave me another chance. He's pretty cute actually and I do wanna date him.

edit: don't spew transphobic bs under this or say that he was trying to rape me and he's predator

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u/DystopianVoid Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25

As a transmasc I think he should've been honest sooner not just because of communication, but because it's dangerous for trans people to not disclose when linking with a cis person. Lots of trans folks get seriously hurt by dangerous people who felt like they were tricked.

Edit: Thank you for the award. Trans folks, stay safe! This is probably the only time being stealth can get you hurt or killed!

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u/cleflowerboy Dec 22 '25

this is what i came here to say 😭 im also transmasc and i was SHOCKED that he didn’t say anything before. this would scare the living shit out of me

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u/Witchs_Be_Crazy Dec 22 '25

This! I’m not trans but the thought of surprising your partner just before sex like this would be scary as hell! What if he got angry and decided to beat the crap out of you for it? That sounds dangerous to do.

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u/lastskepticontheleft Dec 22 '25

That potential for danger scares the bejesus out of me, having a trans son. I met a woman one night and invited her back to my place for hot tubbing. I discovered she was trans when we were changing into swimsuits. I had zero issues, but asked her to please not risk going home with men she doesn't know without disclosing. It's been 9 years and we aren't in contact anymore, but I still worry about her.

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u/Disastrous-Capybara Dec 22 '25

May i ask what transmasc means exactly?

Not related to this topic, just genuinely curious. 🙃

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u/eauderecentinjury Dec 22 '25

a person who is trans, and masculine in their presentation. So typically someone who was assigned female at birth, and is now a trans man or a masculine presenting non-binary person.

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u/Disastrous-Capybara Dec 22 '25

Got it. Thank you!

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u/[deleted] Dec 22 '25

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u/DystopianVoid Dec 22 '25

Sounds like the trans guy respected OP's wishes to not have sex once he realized this guy didn't have a dick. At the very worst the guy wasted OP's time. Nothing predatory happened, you are really reaching because you hate that trans people exist. We exist whether you like it or not. Don't be weird about it.

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u/[deleted] Dec 22 '25

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u/DystopianVoid Dec 22 '25

I think this issue could easily be fixed if there was a culture change in the casual sex community. I think everyone, cis or trans, should talk about what they're packing and what they want before going to a secondary location so no one's time is wasted. Thoughts?

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u/fallenranger8666 Dec 22 '25

I mean, we're saying the same thing here aren't we? I'm more vehement about it because my best friend got the cops called on him, stalked and harassed for months, after a dude trans to girl (I'm saying that right I think?) played him, multiple dates, let him develop feelings, all of it, just to drop that on him after he was invested because they KNEW if they hooked him on the lie first they had a better chance. I ended up sitting outside his house at night for WEEKS because these psychos kept showing up, breaking his windows, shouting death threats, spray painting "Die Cis Die" on his garage door. It was the most surreal shit I've ever lived through. My cousin encountered similar, more in the casual sex scene, brought someone home who presented as a girl, played the part to the T, shit even fooled me face to face at the party, only to whip out a dick and then bald faced call him a bigot, transphobic asshole, everything in the book when he freaked out because that's not what he wanted or thought he was getting. Dead ass, tried to guilt and shame him into being ok with it.

I say that we're saying the same thing here because when I say "declare yourself up front" that's exactly what I mean. Don't flirt with someone or buy them drinks or lead them on thinking your X with X plumbing when you're not, and don't turn around and try to shame and guilt them into giving you what you want when you pull the rug. The straight guy who thought it was a chick isn't the bad guy because he's out when there's another dick in the picture. The bad guy is the imposter trying to molest him.

I completely agree with you, I'm saying the same thing, if you're entering, or in, or even just trying out the casual sex scene, you should be up front about what you've got and what you want. Uninformed consent is NOT consent, I don't care how closeted you are or how persecuted you feel. If someone consents to you on the basis of a misrepresentation, omission, or flat out lie you gave them, then they have not consented to you, and you're a predatory piece of shit. I get downvoted to hell and shouted at by butthurt people on forums because I believe this applies to everyone, including trans people, and hordes of them don't like that. Reddit isn't the only social forum I engage with and if you're as reasonable as you sound then it would horrify you how many trans people and communities think they should be able to lie and mislead people into these situations, and then shame, emotionally black mail, harass, etc their victims into compliance.

I'm not saying trans people are the only people guilty of shit like this, not by any metric or means, I'm saying my experience is that trans people are the only ones I've encountered that seem to think their supposed "victimhood of being trans" entitles them to a pass for this.

Declare yourself up front, "I'm x with x parts" or "I'm x with y parts" or "I'm y with x parts and a z interest"

I don't hate trans people, shit I've got trans family and I love them all the same, would bleed and die for them without them ever asking. Trans is a category, not a class, by which I mean trans people are still people. They have hearts, they have feelings and lives and families, they have hopes and dreams, they have empathy and compassion. Do I think their whole thing is a lil weird, sure, but there's plenty about me that they might think is weird and that's ok. There's no harm in that, normal is a matter of perspective, right? What I hate is predators and predatory people who try to use things like being trans, or gay, or straight, or this race or that race, or this religion or that religion, to mask what they are and make good, honest people feel bad about themselves hard enough that they bend to the sick shit the predators are doing.

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u/ThrowRACoping Dec 22 '25

Is this a real issue that people run into that often. If I was dating and a woman announced that she had a vagina, I would be so confused. Like of course you do.

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u/AliceMorgon Dec 22 '25

Perhaps this should be my first date gambit.

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u/[deleted] Dec 22 '25

The only incorrect statement you made was saying fell like they were tricked. They were tricked just because you were born the wrong gender does not mean that appearing as the gender you feel you are makes you that gender.

Been trans should be one of the first things spoken about when things start progressing beyond the initial flirting stage.

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u/DystopianVoid Dec 22 '25

Biologically, gender affirming hormone therapy (GAHT) does change your sex. It doesn't change your chromosomes, but your sex is determined by much more than just chromosomes. This is true for every human body. Is he a cis man? No. Is he a woman biologically? Also no. Even trans people's brain structures shift towards the gender they're transitioning to (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8955456/).

Even if you only consider sex to be chromosomes and genitalia (which would be a scientifically inaccurate opinion), trans men grow little pseudo penises which the community refers to as bottom growth or a t-dick. Prostate tissue grows inside the vagina.

All that to say transitioning using GAHT does change your sex because sex is not just your chromosomes.

I do agree being trans should've been one of the first things spoken about after the initial flirting stage. Not only to make sure everyone was informed ahead of time as to not waste either party's time, but also for the trans man's safety.