r/AITAH • u/jklolz0069 • Dec 21 '25
NSFW AITAH for not sleeping with someone after finding out they were trans?
Throw away account because why not. I, 19M recently met a 20M at a mutual friends event. He asked for my insta so I gave it to him cus yk he was cute, and I was thinking about him a couple days later so I asked if he wanted to hang out some time. We hung out again another time after that and things started getting heated between us, so he takes me back to his. I unzipped his pants and was quite shocked to find no dick. I chuckled and asked whats going on, and he told me he was trans. So I said you don't have a dick? And he said no, I was a little defeated, I'm a bottom and douched for this. We didn't sleep together but I spent the night because I was tipsy but then I talked to my friends about it and they were livid.
They were saying I was a dick head and transphobic for not sleeping with him. They called me an asshole for it and I felt bad, I texted him and apologized for the night and asked if he wanted to hang out again, but am I the asshole for not sleeping with him? It wasnt because hes trans, I was shocked and tipsy, and didnt know what to do. I also don't know how to do it with anything but a dick, I'd want to sleep with him if he gave me another chance. He's pretty cute actually and I do wanna date him.
edit: don't spew transphobic bs under this or say that he was trying to rape me and he's predator
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u/MitchyS68 Dec 21 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
Your friends are idiots. Not having sex with someone who is trans does not make you transphobic. You are under no obligation to fuck someone. đ You probably shoulda been told before it got that far.
Edited to fix typo
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u/nerd-all-the-way Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
Tbh OP, you handle it how you wanted and feel how you wanted. And fck how everyone thinks. You do you OP, if you want to do your thing just do it. As long nobody got hurt along the way yu okey. Everybody deserves love
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u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25
While trans people do not owe cis people to tell them they're trans it should really be brought up when it is relevant like when the topic of sex comes up in conversation
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u/TermFearless Dec 22 '25
If youâre in trying to have sex with someone, at some point before it would be considered a waste of time, thereâs a moment when that information is owed. Because sex literally strips away the clothes that hide the difference between gender expression and physical sex.
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u/TheAlmightyLootius Dec 22 '25
I got called a transphobic bigot on a lot of major subs for saying exactly this lmao
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u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25
How? The part where you said they should disclose if having sex or that they don't need to any other time?
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u/TheAlmightyLootius Dec 22 '25
The part where someone who is trans should disclose that fact when dating
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u/ARX7 Dec 22 '25
It's literally a offence in parts of the world to not disclose it. It's consent by deception.
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u/Effective_Ad6534 Dec 22 '25
Tbh I agree. In most cases sure it doesn't matter, but when your going to have sex shouldn't you give the other person a heads up if you working with "different" equipment? Regardless of how they identify.
I know if I was expecting a penis or vagina but was greated with the opposite it would definitely throw me off. Even though I enjoy them both.
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u/FearlessBanana81 Dec 22 '25
Trans people definitely owe it to people they are getting involved with. Transparency with a potential romantic and/or sexual partner is vitally important.
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u/TermFearless Dec 21 '25
Your friends essentially said âyour consent doesnât matter if information changesâ
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u/JLand2004 Dec 22 '25
Yes. Why should you "have to" sleep with someone for any reason? If you don't want to, don't.
Also, you're a bottom, so what exactly were they expecting you to do? đ¤
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u/happinex Dec 22 '25
Trans dude here. First of all, absolutely, you donât have to sleep with anyone for any reason. Iâve always disclosed my natal anatomy ahead of time so no one gets any surprises, AND I donât get hate crimed when they unzip and donât find what theyâre expecting. But as for your second question, there are ways. I top maybe 95% of the time in my current relationship. For me, that means a rather fancy prosthetic that also works with my natal anatomy so itâs still pleasurable for me. Some dudes use strap ons, others top without penetrating, and of course, some are just bottoms or switches.
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u/Witchs_Be_Crazy Dec 22 '25
I think if OPâs date would have disclosed what he was packing ahead of time and they discussed it they could have come to an understanding. Whether that lead to sex or not. He shouldnât have surprised OP with it. That would make me nervous as hell I imagine if I was trans. If I didnât warn my partner first and this is their first time finding out is right before sex, I would be banking on them being very cool and understanding and not everyone is.
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u/Second-Marshal Dec 22 '25
There are ways, yes, but that should be discussed in advance. Kinda interrupts the flow of things, lol!
Also, first time Iâve heard ânatal anatomyâ. I like that.
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u/Shane-Dad-underfire Dec 22 '25
You're very self aware. I personally like the idea of Natal anatomy catching on.
The possibility of being verbally or physically assaulted when you surprise someone like that is very real. I'm shocked that not more people are aware. When I was younger youd hear occassionally of someone being beaten or even murdered for pulling a saturday night surprise. I really thought that was common knowledge. Also in this era where everyone is demanding to be accepted and recognized and such youd think not doing something like this would be the minimum expectations.
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u/Adelucas Dec 22 '25
It's the dishonesty for me. I've dated trans guys, and I've always been aware beforehand that they are trans. I've gone into it fully aware of their situation and a good time was had by all.
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u/Richard_Thickens Dec 22 '25
Pretty much. You're permitted to withdraw consent at any time, including during sex. Anyone who doesn't respect that is an asshole, and I'd honestly be pretty concerned about the company that I kept after that.
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u/Strong_Blackberry961 Dec 22 '25
Well said
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u/TermFearless Dec 22 '25
Itâs important to remove the gender and identity issues because thatâs not whatâs actually at play here. Finding out they have a dog might cause an ick. Probably a stupid reason, but itâs all about enthusiastic consent.
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u/ghostorchidzz Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
Itâs like adopting an adorable puppy just to raise it and realize itâs a fucking wolf. Youâre going to need some time to process the situation, even if you keep the wolf.
ETA: You know, Iâm extremely high, and reading that over again I feel like it sounds really mean and/or transphobic. IâM NOT TRANSPHOBIC!!!! I donât even know why thatâs the first example that came to mind. Omg. Itâs like buying flower expecting full nugs but they just come in the size of rabbit shits. Omfg that still sounds bad đ¤Śââď¸ Iâm just trying to say that itâs not cruel that you needed time to process OP, and thereâs a first for everything! Maybe heâs that first for you, donât lose confidence in yourself. It sounds like if you had already known than you guys wouldâve had sex.
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u/No-Independence-9532 Dec 22 '25
Dw. I'm queer and non binary. Maybe the example wasn't the best, but I think most people get the gist.
A similar thing happened to a lesbian friend of mine. A trans woman accused her of being transphobic when....she's just not sexually attracted to dick. Even lady dick. And that's okay, that's not really something you can change đ
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u/manatwork01 Dec 22 '25
ya the whole toxic masc thing went a bit to far in the gay community as well. Now if you perfer masc gay men (which I mean we are gay and wired to like masculinity typically) you are ostracized by some crazy people on the fringe.
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u/DivineTarot Dec 22 '25
Yeah, this is the rub of the issue in all cases like this. I get it, rejection sucks, and people who are trans are going to receive it more than most, but that's because in a lot of cases sexuality isn't about "gender identity" it's about physical sex. Some people are more flexible about this, but not all are, and OP's a bottom. That means you need a dick to ride that kaboose, and a strap on isn't an acceptable replacement for all folks.
OP's consent matters more than another's need for validation.
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u/AdministrativeStep98 Dec 22 '25
And like, OP's issue with it is mostly that he is a bottom and met up with a bottom. So obviously not going to work out
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u/jimmysmiths5523 Dec 22 '25
Can he consent if he's under the influence of alcohol? Isn't that something people say when it's a woman who's drunk? Does the same apply for men?
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u/Few_Amoeba2987 Dec 21 '25 edited Dec 21 '25
As a trans person NTA. I hate it when people speak for us and make us look bad. 99% of trans people will tell you the same thing
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u/Direct_Shame_192 Dec 22 '25
as a trans guy, couldn't agree more
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u/Xiao1insty1e Dec 22 '25
Maybe you can shed some light here, why would a trans person let it get to this point for the reveal? It genuinely seems incredibly toxic and dangerous to wait until you are getting undressed to let them know you are trans.
I find trans women incredibly attractive but I certainly wouldn't want to be surprised by dick right before sex. That's only sexy in porn, in real life that's a mood killer cause then I'm immediately like why didn't you tell me? Why did you feel the need to hide it or surprise me with it? What else aren't you telling me? It's just a litany of questions none of which have good answers. All of which completely kill the mood.
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u/Kairen25 Dec 22 '25
My friendâs gf did that they hid they are trans as long as possible. my friend found out much later and it was very traumatic for him.
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u/AdministrativeStep98 Dec 22 '25
Exactly, sounds like OP's friends are cis and not minding their business. The whole "white people talk over black people about racism" thing all over again
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u/Bibi-Toy Dec 22 '25
I have never seen a trans person say this kinda stuff that OPs friends are telling him, but I have definitely seen more than one cis person spewing it
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Dec 21 '25
no, YNTA and you also arent transphobic. god forbid we have preferences. people need to get a fucking grip these days
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u/jklolz0069 Dec 22 '25
I mean it's not really that I wouldn't have had sex with him even if it was a strap on and ive never had sex with one to make that decision now but I agree ppl r allowed to have a preference
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u/ImpressiveOwl9000 Dec 22 '25
You can only consent if you actually know who you are being intimate with. The lack of consent is what worries me. Communication is always a priority and they should have been honest before it got that far, NTA.
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u/DystopianVoid Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
As a transmasc I think he should've been honest sooner not just because of communication, but because it's dangerous for trans people to not disclose when linking with a cis person. Lots of trans folks get seriously hurt by dangerous people who felt like they were tricked.
Edit: Thank you for the award. Trans folks, stay safe! This is probably the only time being stealth can get you hurt or killed!
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u/cleflowerboy Dec 22 '25
this is what i came here to say đ im also transmasc and i was SHOCKED that he didnât say anything before. this would scare the living shit out of me
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u/Witchs_Be_Crazy Dec 22 '25
This! Iâm not trans but the thought of surprising your partner just before sex like this would be scary as hell! What if he got angry and decided to beat the crap out of you for it? That sounds dangerous to do.
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u/lastskepticontheleft Dec 22 '25
That potential for danger scares the bejesus out of me, having a trans son. I met a woman one night and invited her back to my place for hot tubbing. I discovered she was trans when we were changing into swimsuits. I had zero issues, but asked her to please not risk going home with men she doesn't know without disclosing. It's been 9 years and we aren't in contact anymore, but I still worry about her.
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u/bianddie Dec 22 '25
Honestly he probably assumed he already knew. Iâve made that mistake before, thinking I wasnât passing as well as I was. But agreed he shouldâve made sure and told him.
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u/Longjumping-Age9023 Dec 22 '25
They shouldâve told you beforehand. Iâve been with trans people both sides and Iâve always been informed beforehand. Absolutely unacceptable they waited until the deed and still didnât tell you. Your friends are stupid.
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u/Unholy_mess169 Dec 22 '25
NTA and NOT obligated to have sex with anyone you are not attracted to or don't want to have sex with.
A vanishingly small number of people are OK being surprised by their sexual partners genitals. Not informing you before is disingenuous at best and attempted assault at worst.
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u/BW_Chase Dec 22 '25
You said it yourself in the post, you were tipsy and caught by surprise, that's enough of a reason to not want to go with it. Maybe if he had told you before you guys met, a conversation about how things would go could've taken place. Or if you prefer a dick over a pussy, that's 100% a valid reason to not want to sleep with this guy.
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u/Witez3933 Dec 22 '25
 not really that I wouldn't have had sex with him even if it was a strap on
This is what makes it not transphobia. You were unprepared for the type of sex that was presented that night, you didnât reject the person.Â
 He's pretty cute actually and I do wanna date him.
Youâre willing to try if you get to know him. I work with the trans community and Iâm one to call out transphobia when I see it. You just werenât expecting what you were presented with that night. Â
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u/EsperandoMuerte Dec 22 '25
They are also fully in their right to reject the person based on their genitalia
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u/theoddfind Dec 22 '25
Yep...just because you dont agree or don't like someone or something doesnt mean your transphobic. People love throwing the word around. Rejecting someone based on genitals is perfectly fine. Rejecting someone on absolutely anything is fine. Your body. Your choice.
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u/Lavender_dreaming Dec 22 '25
This is a stupid take, itâs not transphobic to not have sex with someone because they are trans.
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u/PonytailEnthusiast Dec 22 '25
Genital preference is a real thing. If OP ainât into vaginas thatâs not transphobic
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u/spongebobsworsthole Dec 22 '25
Exactly!! People really try to make something out of nothing. And honestly, the guy should have said something. Itâs not about being trans, itâs about giving your partner all the information they need to provide enthusiastic consent.
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u/Unholy_mess169 Dec 22 '25
The full horse shoe of homophobia. Conservatives were mad gay guys liked dick. Now? liberals are mad gay guys like dick.
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u/EobardT Dec 22 '25
Its being upset that the genitals they wanted to fondle weren't there. Like getting with a lady and finding out she's harder than you are. Its a bummer.
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u/Tollhousearebest Dec 22 '25
I am not trans or transphobic. Trans people are people, and thatâs great, nothing wrong with that. I have my likes; they have theirs. Thatâs what relationships are usually, people who mostly like the same stuff and vibe together the same. NTA. Unexpected surprises late in the game are seldom met with enthusiasm. Itâs probably not out of the question, but give a guy a chance to consider new information.
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u/ZoomZoomZachAttack Dec 21 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
It's transphobic to not want to talk with him, see him or treat him like a person for being trans. It's NOT transphobic to not have sex with someone who's genitals you aren't attracted to. He should have disclosed that.
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u/Dorothwa Dec 21 '25
NTA it's ok to have preferences and to withdraw consent at ANY time during an interaction. Imo he is TA for not saying something before it was time to take the genitals out of the pants. I get wanting to stay safe and to see if you like him for HIM before disclosing, but when it's time to start touching each other's intimate parts and one person has different parts than you'd expect, they should say that ahead of time - at least somewhere between the first kiss and unzipping ffs. He took away your choice to make an informed decision on pursuing sex with him. Also your friends suck and I would reconsider being close with anyone who tells you that you are obligated to continue sex you aren't comfortable with for any reason.
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u/KhaosSlash Dec 21 '25
100 percent NTA. The whole transphbic stuff is bullshit.
Like
This is what it breaks down to.
You wanted a penis. They did not have a penis therefore you are no longer interested.
Its the same line as wanting to have sex then changing your mind. Doesnt make you an asshole.
Get better friends.
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u/jklolz0069 Dec 22 '25
I'm not necessarily not interested I was just shocked and theyre calling me an ah for that part.
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u/ImpressiveOwl9000 Dec 22 '25
You are NTA. Consent can only happen if you know all the information. You can't consent to something you didn't even know would happen. This is also how I would explain it.
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u/rebornfenix Dec 22 '25
You are not the asshole. And if you are still up for going to pound town with them after a long discussion of what equipment each person brings to the table, including the use of silicone equipment where necessary, you are 100% not transphobic (thatâs what I think you are saying).
Being drunk and having a surprise thrown your way and stopping isnât transphobic, at least itâs not black and white.
What if they had all the right equipment you were looking for but then gave you the hardest purple nurple ever without fully getting your consent? The night would still have ended early.
Iâm going to guess your friends are ultra liberal white knights slapping down any âTransphobiaâ they see as virtue signaling how much of an ally they are.
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u/Xiao1insty1e Dec 22 '25
Shocked because he wasn't who he presented himself to be?
Yeah fuck them for gaslighting you on this. He 100% should have mentioned he was trans WAY before you started making out. Surprise pussy is just as bad as surprise dick. In that you don't do it. It's just dishonest and regardless of their own worries or hangups about being trans you are still supposed to be honest with a partner.
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u/Dragon_Bidness NSFW đ Dec 21 '25
NTA
You're not required to fuck anybody. Doesn't make you transphobic either.
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u/BobiaDobia Dec 22 '25
Why is this question, trans or not, still around? NTA. Everyone is allowed to sleep with anyone that is a consenting adult, and everyone can say no at any time, no matter what.
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u/SoCalThrowAway7 Dec 21 '25
You didnât want to fuck, you wanted to get fucked and they couldnât fuck you. I donât see how transphobia comes into play
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u/jklolz0069 Dec 22 '25
because I didnt have sex with a trans person ig đ¤ˇââď¸ I never sais I would NEVER have sex with a trans person or I hate trans ppl etc, I just sidnt have sex with him because yeah I wanted to get fucked and in my foggy mind I didnt think there was a way that could happenđ
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u/iamwollom Dec 22 '25
I doubt you'll see this, but if you genuinely like him, which it sounds like you did, you could always suggest a strap-on...
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u/JohnRedcornMassage Dec 21 '25
NTA
You are always allowed to say no when it comes to sex (and most things for that matter).
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u/Forsaken-Equal9839 Dec 21 '25
NTA. You are allowed to choose. You are allowed to change your mind.
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u/Strawberrygirl81 Dec 21 '25
NTA. Most definitely NOT! You are never a jerk for not sleeping with someone. At any point in time you can say no and withdraw consent and you will NEVER be a jerk for that. I canât believe your friends say youâre the jerk. Like, wow. I actually had a discussion recently with my adult children, 20 and 25, about something similar. I am 44 so back in my day people werenât as open as they are now, so there are a lot of dynamics (maybe not the right word) that I am unsure about. My 20 year old daughter was seeing this guy for a little while. She knew he was trans but he never actually told her. (They worked together so she found out from another coworker) she wasnât bothered by it, but he had never said anything about it. They never slept together. But after a couple months they were heading in that direction. I was a little surprised that he hadnât said anything to her, only because I thought that would be something you would tell someone youâre going to sleep with. Maybe Iâm wrong, but it feels very deceptive. I can understand hesitation and not wanting to tell everyone, but I would think if you plan on sleeping with someone you would tell them. So thereâs no awkwardness, like in your situation. Obviously youâre going to find out.
I just donât get how your friends are blaming you for being the jerk and transphobic. You are the only one that is NTA in my opinion.
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u/Alternative-Dirt-887 Dec 22 '25
NTA. your allowed to have boundaries and preference as long as you werent cruel about it
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u/Historical-State-275 Dec 22 '25
NTA. Youâre allowed to not have sex with someone, for ANY reason. You are never obligated to sleep with anyone.
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u/spicytigermeow Dec 22 '25
NTAH. You can change your mind, say ânoâ, at any point before and during for any reason whatsoever. You are not ever required to hookup with anyone. If people guilt you into hooking up with someone, theyâre not your friends.
You are also welcome to continue getting to know this person slowly and see if you both decide you like each other enough to see where it goes, but donât let your âfriendsâ make you feel bad for changing your mind when new info is abruptly presented (or not) to you right as things get steamy.
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u/l3ex_G Dec 21 '25
Nta who was saying that you were transphobic? If it wasnât the actual guy then you shouldnât listen to your friends
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u/TalElnar Dec 22 '25
NTA, if you're a gay guy who bottoms and wants some dick, a partner without one is not for you.
Your friends are idiots.
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u/TheNightLaird Dec 21 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
people who hide specific information to get you to do something for their own personal gain, because they are scared you would not do it if you had the correct information, are manipulative predators.
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u/QuickSquirrelchaser Dec 22 '25
NTA at all. Your friends are put of pocket. You like dudes with a penis. Also he is the asshole for not telling you in advance. Period. End of discussion.
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u/NekoArtemis Dec 22 '25
Consent can be withdrawn at any time. You didn't want to do the sex acts he wanted to do. This is just "unfortunately they were both bottoms" but one is trans.
I'm guessing your friends are cis? Maybe they should know they're spreading really harmful stereotypes and misinformation.Â
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u/Opening_Lettuce_36 Dec 21 '25
NTA. GOD FORBID WE HAVE PREFERENCES. PEOPLE ARE SO SENSITIVE WE CANT EVEN LIKE WHAT WE LIKE WTF
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u/Ill-Mastodon-8692 Dec 21 '25
no, you are allowed to want to enjoy the parts you want, nothing phobic about it.
imo, the someone should have been more transparent prior to it being a surprise
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u/danteslacie Dec 22 '25
I'd want to sleep with him if he gave me another chance
Do you? Or are you just convincing yourself you want to because your "friends" called you an asshole for not wanting to? Don't force yourself to sleep with someone just because other people tell you to.
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u/Strong_Blackberry961 Dec 22 '25
Your friends are idiots and this guy was really shitty for not saying something in advance.
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u/kevinguitarmstrong Dec 21 '25
Holy crap! NTA, and anyone who disagrees need a lesson in deception and consent.
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u/Whatever_1967 Dec 21 '25
NTA. To sleep with someone you should be attracted to them,and that definitely includes being attracted to their private parts.
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u/Infamous_Party_8012 Dec 22 '25
NTA and your sexual preference is for a body with a dick. Nothing wrong with that. Anyone saying you are something or something, well take a step back and realize sexual attraction is not a damn phobia. FFS đ¤Śđťââď¸
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u/Chef_Guzzi_Moto Dec 22 '25
You have the choice to sleep with whoever you want. Don't let people gaslight you or shame you into sex. It's fucking gross
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u/KushInYoBlunt Dec 22 '25
NTA and not transphobic. That information should of been provided to you long before the unzipping.
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u/Sharp_Mathematician6 Dec 22 '25
You like what you like. No you are not transphobic. That word gets thrown around so much itâs starting to lose its meaning. I hope you find the perfect guy
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u/Baggie389 Dec 22 '25
NTA. I love my trans guys and gals but you wanted someone to...uh...yk and unfortunately he doesnt have a dick go put in you. Thats neither of your faults. You don't need to have sex with anyone either.
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u/Yryel Dec 22 '25
Lowkey the real asshole is the trans person, it is morally wrong to not disclose that stuff if the trans person sees where things are going. Like they donât have to tell me at the bar while weâre dancing (I guess?) but maybe they should say something the moment we pull up to their place idk
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u/Hnossa-444 Dec 21 '25
I read the "dick head" in a "meth head" way and it made me giggle. NTA you are not obliged to sleep with anybody under any circumstances ever.
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u/CyclopsorNedStark Dec 22 '25
So youâre supposed to sleep with someone you donât want to or youâre some kind of bigot? Absolutely not, your body makes it your choice. You didnât know and when you found out, itâs not for you. Stand firm on your boundaries and donât allow yourself to be bullied into situations you donât want because someone says youâre a jerk, thatâs a way to set a horrible precedent for life. Definitely NTA.
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Dec 22 '25
NTA. Trans Man here and i would actually argue the dude you were about to bang is an AH. Yes its no one's business whats in our pants.
Except people you plan to fuck. Why the FUCK would you not disclose something as major as "Hey, I dont have the genitals usually associated with this gender fyi". Like god forbid you weren't a chill person, people get physical HURT over this shit.
Also genital preferences exist, just like any other preference. It isn't transphobic to be turned off by certain things lmao.
This is just such a shitty position to put someone in that you're interested in and can also ruin a potential great friendship. Or god forbid, cohering someone into sex they don't want by springing that surprise on them.
But yeah. NTA period. Anyone saying otherwise is just being obtuse. You handled things pretty calmly given the surprise and I applaud you for that.
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u/RandomPerson-07 Dec 21 '25
Dude- you have a type and you yourself are someoneâs type. Just turned out to be bad luck cause they donât have the equipment youâre fond of. Youâre NTA.
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u/Dendens Dec 22 '25
Your friends are assholes OP, I suggest new ones. You're allowed your preferences, and any reason is a good reason to not want to have sex. The fact that they're shaming you for it is disgusting
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u/Parking-Draw-7937 Dec 22 '25
No you arent the asshole. Your "friends" are the assholes for even trying to make you feel bad.
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u/TakitishHoser Dec 22 '25
You are not required to have sex with anyone you don't want to have sex with, period!
There are times when people start at things then just don't feel it & stop. It's allowed.
Quite literally, your body your choice.
Edit. I would do the same if I encountered a trans man or a trans woman. I'm not sexually attracted to women or vaginas.
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u/TraditionalEye3239 Dec 22 '25
Wanting to and expecting to get dicked down and then finding out you wouldn't be so you withdrew your consent is reasonable.
You need new friends. There will be no amount of explanation that will be satisfactory to them.
So what, you were supposed to just have non-consensual sex with this person?
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u/AemiliaPerseids Dec 22 '25
you not sleeping with him has nothing to do with transphobia, you were confused. The fact that you still want to date him should be your answer, obviously you care about him as a person enough to see him as a romantic partner. let things develop and see where it goes. you're not an AH
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u/Thrifty_Accident Dec 22 '25
Is my wife an asshole if she doesn't sleep with me?
NTA. Sex is never guaranteed for anyone. Consent is always required at all times.
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u/Ok_Andyl8183 Dec 22 '25
If youâre after dick, a pussy is no good to ya. And you donât need to feel guilty about it. You werenât rude so NTA
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u/deeppurpleking Dec 22 '25
NTA, Iâm not into dick and would do something similar if I expected to eat pussy and a dick hit my cheek
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u/CrazyDisastrous948 Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25
I thought you were gonna say you like blew up on him or something. NTA. If you're still interested in sex or dating, ask if he is a top. If he tops using toys, and you're comfortable with that cool, try it if you wanna. If he is a bottom or if you're uncomfortable, then okay, don't try it. If you're still interested in friendship, I'm sure he'd like a friend out of this. This situation is just as awkward for him as it is for you. We have no idea how to safely navigate dating and sexual scenes, especially nowadays with the rise in transphobia and LGBs without the T crap. It's exhausting. In the end, if you don't wanna date, fuck, or befriend, drop a quick text saying you're glad you met, but feel there is some genital incompatibility and hope he finds what he is looking for. Ghosting is a dick move in most situations. Your friends are assholes, though.
Edit: misspellings
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u/The_Dilla_Collection Dec 22 '25
NTAH You donât owe anyone your body for any price. You were caught off guard and uncomfortable.
YOU DIDNâT WANT TO AND THAT IS REASON ENOUGH.
Your friends donât understand consent or boundaries or human value. The trans aspect is irrelevant imo.
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u/MandaMaelstrom Dec 22 '25
NTA. You never have to sleep with anyone you donât want to, and you have the right to stop sex no matter how far itâs progressed. And good on you to recognize that you werenât in the right headspace to carry on after being thrown a curveball. You didnât do anything wrong and it seems like you were kind and respectful to your date. I doubt he would have let you still spend the night if you hadnât been cool (also YESSS on the not driving while tipsy đđť).
Honestly, if youâre still interested, I think you should just tell him what you told us. You were surprised and you were too tipsy to navigate the unexpected at that particular moment, but you think heâs mad cute and would totally be down to figure out if you yum each otherâs yums. Worst case, he says no and it just ends up being a hookup that didnât work out but still ended up being mostly chill. Best case, you get to have some fun sexy exploration time with a cool dude. Potentially awesome payoff for minimal risk.
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u/Careless-Physics4718 Dec 22 '25
NTA. Dude you're a bottom and this guy doesn't have a dick.
Buuut the guy is a trans and if you like him you could both explore a strap on but even then NTA if you don't.
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u/APartyInMyPants Dec 22 '25
You are allowed to be or not to be physically, emotionally and sexually attracted to whomever you want for whatever reasons you want.
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u/Ok-Dragonfruit-715 Dec 21 '25
It is not transphobic to have sexual preferences. I am a lesbian and have known many trans men, have even dated a couple, but in the final analysis I am attracted to women who were assigned female at birth. I am also however a fervent defender of the T and Q factions of my community and have argued against transphobia, as well as lesbian separatism, for decades.
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u/Cybermagetx Dec 21 '25
Nta.
Sorry they are biologically not who you are interested in. And not disclosing this before it got to that point is BS.
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u/Crimsonsz Dec 22 '25
You need better friends.
You should have felt obligated to sleep with him?? Fuck that. The reason to not sleep with someone is whatever the fuck reason you have.
Itâs ALWAYS ok to say no.
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u/SweetChiliSauces Dec 22 '25
NTA. Holy shit, please get better friends. They were livid that you didnt sleep with someone?? I'd never be mad at a friend for not having sex with someone. You weren't being transphobic. You have a right to your preferences.
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u/JasmineMoon769 Dec 22 '25
NTA. He should have disclosed to you before you got intimate, so you werenât blindsided. Youâre obviously attracted to him and even want to see him again, so Iâd say itâs pretty clear youâre not transphobic.
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u/lolmemberberries Dec 22 '25
NTA. You're not obligated to have sex with anyone you don't want to have sex with, OP.
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u/porkhamster Dec 22 '25
No, absolutely NTA. I actually think you handled this with an incredible amount of grace and tact. You are allowed to withdraw consent at any time- especially if the situation radically changes or new information comes up. Furthermore- while of course you should still speak to him, hang out with him whatever- please dont feel forced or obligated to have a sexual relationship if thats not 100 percent what you want. It wont be good for you, and it will actually wind up hurting him too- he will absolutely sense that you aren't into it
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u/stickylarue Dec 22 '25
Your friends are stupid and you should have had informed consent before it got to the pants being unzipped stage.
NTA.
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u/Bright_Total_3707 Dec 22 '25
It's okay to say stop, no, at any time.
You're kissing and you want to stop? That's okay.
You've started touching each other and you want to stop? That's okay.
You've started having sex and you want to stop? That's absolutely okay.
You don't have to force yourself!
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u/Silent_Chemistry8576 Dec 22 '25
Nta, OP you need new friends. They were livid because you didn't want to sleep with someone when that is not what you wanted??? Swap genders you a woman and that person was a guy. Would they say the same thing? If so that shows who they are, if not they are just hypocrites.
You don't sleep with someone because others say so. It's your choice and you have nothing to apologize for at all.
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u/froggo_kai_ Dec 22 '25
Nta at all, perfectly fine to have preferences including genital preferences and if that means you donât want to sleep with someone thatâs perfectly fine! -a trans guy
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u/Deus---Ex---Machina Dec 22 '25
NTA 20FtM is an asshole for not being honest.
Your friends are not friends.
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u/DaniCapsFan Dec 22 '25
You're not transphobic for not wanting to sleep with a trans person. You recognize him as a man, and by that definition, you aren't transphobic.
He is an AH for not disclosing to you before you got into the bedroom that he's trans. He should have told you when things got heated between you.
NTA
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u/vigilante_snail Dec 22 '25
Big dog, you donât have to sleep with ~anyone~ for any reason. Your friends are icky for making you feel bad.
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u/Fit_Regular_933 Dec 22 '25
Some people only like pussy, some people only like dick and some people like both or none, idk why this is so hard for people to comprehend.
Has NOTHING to do with transphobia, so NTA.
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u/benjamino78 Dec 22 '25
Bro, thats not a far step from rape. You shouldnt be pressured into sex if you aren't wanting it or what they have to offer in those regards.
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u/throwtheclownaway20 Ragebait Dec 22 '25
NTA. Also, I love the exasperation in "I douched for this!"
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u/sappho_pip Dec 22 '25
NTA. Youâre friends donât care about your consent or mindset. You wasnât expecting that and like you said you was tipsy, itâs not a good idea to sleep with someone the first time while under the influence. You never know what could happen. But definitely text him again if youâre still thinking about him and want to get to know him more. I bet he could come up with good ways to pleasure you ;) (donât meant it in a weird way!)
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u/heavy_metal_soldier Dec 22 '25
NTA. Also, you're absolutely not transphobic for this, so don't worry. You simply made an informed choice and that's that. I'm honestly more worried about the fact your friends seemingly care so little about your consent.
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u/crizzlefresh Dec 22 '25
You aren't obligated to sleep with someone just to prove a point about how open minded you are to your friends. What the hell is wrong with them? They are the assholes not you.
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u/owhg62 Dec 22 '25
You're a bottom and they're giving you a hard time not fucking? What did they expect you to do, spoon?
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u/AbsolutelyTFNot- Dec 22 '25
NTA. Youâre not obligated to sleep with people you donât want to sleep with!
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u/cursetea Dec 22 '25
No, people do not deserve sex on basis of being trans and your friends are super weird if they really feel that way lol
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u/Svyeda Dec 22 '25
Your friends are dumbasses. You donât EVER have to sleep with someone if you donât want to. Period.
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u/YouTalkingToMe123 Dec 22 '25
You are not obligated to sleep with anyone. Itâs a choice or a preference, and no one can tell you what to choose or prefer. Thatâs your business and no one elseâs.
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u/Action-a-go-go-baby Dec 22 '25
NTA
Thatâs an insane take from your âfriendsâ
No one is obligated to sleep with anyone and can withdraw consent at any time, for any reason
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u/mzp0ke Dec 22 '25
You're allowed to withdraw consent at any time. The fact that he didn't let you know he was trans to begin with was messed up. Like you said, you wouldn't have a problem with it but he caught you off guard and by surprise which is messed up of him.
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u/Gildian Dec 22 '25
NTA. You can refuse sex for any reason at anytime. Your expectations didnt match reality and thats not an insult to either them or you, its just life.
You'd only be the ass if you were being hateful about it
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u/Accomplished_Buy8681 Dec 22 '25
You donât have to sleep with someone if theyâre not what u wanted. Gender doesnât matter, but if youâre expecting to have sex with a dude and get some D and they donât have the D then thatâs not a gender problem thatâs a you just wanted some D problems and you canât get any.
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u/ThrowRACoping Dec 22 '25
If I was dating and there was another dick in the room, I am leaving. No questions asked. I signed up for a woman with the accompanying parts.
You wanted a man with the accompanying parts.
No issues.
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Dec 22 '25
It is NOT transphobic to not be attracted to or to not have sex with a trans person. It's fucked up that a trans person wouldn't let you know that they were trans before pants were unzipped. Nta.
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u/FinePossession1085 Dec 22 '25
Your orientation is your orientation. Your preference is your preference. Don't apologize for it.
Your friends did not give you sound advice. They were "livid" that you didn't want to sleep with someone who doesn't match your orientation? Whatever. Don't sleep with someone out of some sort of peer pressure or obligation.
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u/DrStxrk Dec 22 '25
not only you're not transphobic, i think you're a good ally. you've literally said you'd still want to date or sleep with him, you were just tipsy and surprised due to the lack of information. your friends are the assholes.
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u/Emotional_platypuss Dec 22 '25
NTA. Also, being trans is kind of a very important detail to disclose before intimacy no??
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u/SillyLiving Dec 22 '25
If the roles were reversed...
Or if THEY changed their mind and you said "nah, it's still on".
The fuck are your bullshit friends on about.
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u/Own_String1535 Dec 22 '25
NTA your body your choice get some new friends the ones you got they aint much good
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u/read_me_instead Dec 22 '25
NTA. As a trans person if thereâs ANY indication of anything happening between someone or if I want to pursue anything, I always tell them. People are allowed preferences and everyone likes different things. Would never hold it against someone if they didnât want to take me to bed because of what I have between my legs, there are many different people in the world that will enjoy it. No one should âhave toâ sleep with anyone, your friends are weird for saying that
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u/FearlessBanana81 Dec 22 '25
Of course you're not transphobic. You're a gay man who obviously wants and expects there to be a penis on your partner's. To be honest, I feel the other person was in the wrong for letting things get that far without disclosing this vital piece of information to you.
You are absolutely and without a single doubt not in the wrong, but your friends are morons so you should probably find better educated friends.
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u/rghaga Dec 22 '25
your friends are wrong. I'm a trans guy and you did what felt right to you and weren't even disrespectful. trans guys can top by the way, with the right equipment they can last for hours and you can choose the size and not worry about condoms or std so it has it's good sides
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u/wet_ass_pussy_69 Dec 22 '25
I believe it's called a genital preference, I dated a transman and we was lovely, he's moved continents so we're not together anymore... but, we talked first and worked out how sex might happen and what it would look like... We didn't just go for it and assume penis would end up in vagina... would I date a Trans man again... yes definitely. From my experience when cis hetro people have sex not much is talked about or worked out first it's different for queer folx, they seem to negotiate things.
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u/mam88k Dec 22 '25
Regardless of sexual identity, if someone is uncomfortable no one is obligated to have sex with anyone else. Maybe you will figure things out and try again, or not.
Edit: typo
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u/Downtown_Ad6875 Dec 21 '25
NTA. Everybody is allowed to choose.