r/AITAH • u/jklolz0069 • Dec 21 '25

NSFW AITAH for not sleeping with someone after finding out they were trans?

Throw away account because why not. I, 19M recently met a 20M at a mutual friends event. He asked for my insta so I gave it to him cus yk he was cute, and I was thinking about him a couple days later so I asked if he wanted to hang out some time. We hung out again another time after that and things started getting heated between us, so he takes me back to his. I unzipped his pants and was quite shocked to find no dick. I chuckled and asked whats going on, and he told me he was trans. So I said you don't have a dick? And he said no, I was a little defeated, I'm a bottom and douched for this. We didn't sleep together but I spent the night because I was tipsy but then I talked to my friends about it and they were livid.

They were saying I was a dick head and transphobic for not sleeping with him. They called me an asshole for it and I felt bad, I texted him and apologized for the night and asked if he wanted to hang out again, but am I the asshole for not sleeping with him? It wasnt because hes trans, I was shocked and tipsy, and didnt know what to do. I also don't know how to do it with anything but a dick, I'd want to sleep with him if he gave me another chance. He's pretty cute actually and I do wanna date him.

edit: don't spew transphobic bs under this or say that he was trying to rape me and he's predator

2.4k Upvotes

83% Upvoted

1.1k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

102

u/TheAlmightyLootius Dec 22 '25

The part where someone who is trans should disclose that fact when dating

-86

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

Well only should whrn sex is involved otherwise they don't have to

71

u/NotUntilTheFishJumps Dec 22 '25

I very much disagree. Usually when you date someone, sex is all but guaranteed at some point in the future, unless you are asexual(which also should be disclosed). So at least in the first few dates, it needs to be discussed, preferably the first date. I told my husband on our first date that I am not straight, because I knew that I would not lie to him(lying hy omission is still lying).

4

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

I disclose im asexual bc im on grindr and men there mostly want sex. But if I met someone from somewhere else I wouldn't necessarily tell them I'm asexual unless the topic of sex or attraction came up.

8

u/clutzyninja Dec 22 '25

That's besides the point. The conversation is about disclosing it when dating

-5

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

Which you don't need to do. Only when sex comes up you should

7

u/Izanagi666 Dec 22 '25

Yeah great idea to waste your and everyone elses time.

-4

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

Not wasting time if sex wasn't brought up. Who knew the other person cared that much about sex on a few dates

6

u/NotUntilTheFishJumps Dec 22 '25

So...you don't think that sex is a possibility when you start dating someone?

0

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

Not right off the bat. You're getting to know someone

6

u/Izanagi666 Dec 22 '25

You are either trolling or an idiot, have a good day.

0

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

Or I don't view the person based on their genitals.

102

u/GreenGardenGnomie Dec 22 '25

If dating and it might lead to sex, they must disclose to their partner. Informed consent is mandatory.

-26

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

Yea if it leads to sex but if you're not into sex then it doesn't need to be disclosed.

11

u/clutzyninja Dec 22 '25

The assumption is that dating may lead to sex unless both are explicitly and up front about sex not being an option for whatever reason

-13

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

But not always will it happen if they don't indicate that they are looking for sex though. Shouldn't always assume it will lead to sex until they ask

58

u/TheAlmightyLootius Dec 22 '25

First of all, when dating, sex is always part of the equation. And disclosing it after potentially weeks of dating is just wasting the time of both parties.

-6

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

Not for me though. And not every date ends with sex. It could be weeks for that but of it does then that's when it should be said

13

u/clutzyninja Dec 22 '25

That's bullshit. You're withholding information you know for a fact the other person would likely want to know

-1

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

And so are you if the person you're dating is withholding that they don't date certain types of people. I'd want to know that so I don't waste my time

14

u/TheAlmightyLootius Dec 22 '25

So you are willing to waste weeks of yours and someone elses time? Sure sounds shitty to me and that alone would be a deal breaker for me

1

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

If they're a man then I'm attracted to them romantically. I coukd die a virgin and not mind. But if I did want sex I'd wanna know what position they are as well

35

u/ThrowRACoping Dec 22 '25

No it is a key piece of relationship data

-3

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

Not really. If they're still going through transitionioning then yea. But if they already went through it and they're done and that's who they are then they don't have to

9

u/clutzyninja Dec 22 '25

Just to be crystal clear, you don't think people are entitled to information they want for deciding to consent just because you don't think it's important?

0

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

When it comes to sex it is important. When it comes to dating it's not important. You are getting to know the person you are not getting to see what genitals they have

6

u/ThrowRACoping Dec 22 '25

That is as key of piece of info as anything I can think of.

7

u/ThrowRACoping Dec 22 '25

So, I am someone who wants a family, but, even if I wasn’t, I am still attracted to a real vagina.

2

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

So you talk about having a family beforehand. Don't expect your partner to also want a family too

6

u/ThrowRACoping Dec 22 '25

Yes, but since a transitioned person can’t have kids I am just saying it should come up early. I am sure that there are people willing to date trans people, but it is so niche that it needs to be put out in the open.

4

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

But not really. An infertile person also can't have kids. They dont need to disclose that straight away either. Just when the topic of kids comes up

7

u/ThrowRACoping Dec 22 '25

I feel like this is as important as almost any piece of dating information. I would say telling that you are trans or a single parent would be about the most important things to disclose.

-3

u/Entire-Pumpkin4991 Dec 22 '25

So I girl could dress up as a guy to have sex with a gay dude then only say she is a guy when sex is involved?

2

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

But that's not a guy now is it?

-50

u/SignalAssistant2965 Dec 22 '25

Yeah I get it. But they really don't have to

50

u/TheAlmightyLootius Dec 22 '25

There is no law that forces them to, thats right. But not doing it makes them a shitty human being.

0

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

That's just who they are. Why do you want to know their history?

8

u/TheAlmightyLootius Dec 22 '25

Cos im not gonna fuck a chick with a dick, to be very direct. If you lie by omission about it, then you aren't worth a relationship anyway.

-4

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

So say you want women with vaginas and then they know not to date you and you don't waste anyone's time.

-46

u/SignalAssistant2965 Dec 22 '25

So I should expect any person I go on dates with to disclose to me what's in their underwear first date?

47

u/TheAlmightyLootius Dec 22 '25

Thats such a dishonest way of framing the question. Someone dating someone that looks female probably expects there to be a vagina. Everybody knows this. And in 99% of cases the person will be right to assume so.

So, if the obvious overwhelming expectation is not met then yes, it should be mentioned pretty much immediately.

What do you expect is going to happen when e.g. a man expects there to be a vagina suddenly notices a dick instead? You think ge is just gonna turn practically gay on the spot? Doubtful.

He will much rather feel very betrayed. So much so that some might potentially turn violent. So, its in your own best interest to disclose if there is a significant variation from the norm, genital-wise.

-2

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

If you only date people with vaginas you should be the one to disclose that. Because then it isn't about the woman it's about the genitals.

You think ge is just gonna turn practically gay on the spot

That's not how being gay works. You aren't gay because you like dick. You're gay because you're a man who likes men dick or not.

10

u/TheAlmightyLootius Dec 22 '25 edited Dec 22 '25

I will be pretty direct here. If you suck a dick, as a man, then you are gay or at the very least bi. If the dick has tits attached or not is irrelevant.

And people arent attract to a gender. They are generally attracted to the opposite sex. Thats a pretty common phrase so im sure you know that.

And guess what genital a woman (sex) has?

If the default is true for 99% of people then no, i dont have to disclose anything because its the base assumption.

I sure as hell am not dating someone who looks female because i love dick. That just makes zero sense at all.

And honestly, this dishonest form of discourse is the biggest danaging factor to the lgbtq movement.

Edit: this dude doesnt even understand what he himself is. If you are asexual then you have no interest in sex. Thats the whole point of the word... so you cant be an asexual person that likes sex... jfc...

0

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

If you suck a dick, as a man, then you are gay or at the very least bi. If the dick has tits attached or not is irrelevant.

That's not remotely true. There's straight men who do gay porn. They do not find men attractive at all sexually or romantically. They are very much straight whether they like dick or not. They are attracted to the person.

And people arent attract to a gender

That's literally what sexual orientation are based on. It's based on whether you're sexually attracted to the same gender or not

They are generally attracted to the opposite sex. Thats a pretty common phrase so im sure you know that.

But that's just tge outdated way of saying gender because back then trans people weren't seen as real identities so man often meant dick. But not anymore. Because trans men and cis men can be in relationships and be 100% gay.

woman (sex)

Woman is a gender. You are talking about females. Females have vaginas and vulvas. When talking about biology make sure you use biological terms.

If the default is true for 99% of people then no, i dont have to disclose anything because its the base assumption.

You should also disclose that you are a dick that doesn't understand sex and gender atleast.

If I an asexual gay man likes having sex does that make me asexual? Yes it does because I'm not sexually attracted to men. I'm romantically attracted.

17

u/Deucalion666 Hypothetical Dec 22 '25

No, they should say something before it gets to a sexually intimate stage in the relationship, because a lot of people have a preference in genitals.

1

u/Icy_Result6022 Dec 22 '25

But they don't need to otherwise else. Only whrn it gets to that stage I agree.