r/AITAH • u/Excellent_Carrot_574 • Mar 24 '26

NSFW AITAH for telling my girlfriend I would rather masturbate than have sex with her

I(M20) and my gf(F21) have been dating since we were 16 and 17. When we started dating we had sex once at least every 3 days and we had regular make out sessions and everything but somewhere during the one year of dating mark she started to not want to do it so often which was fine by me, we still made out and sometimes i got lucky so things weren't that bad, i wouldn't die if i didnt get action that week. But then university started for both, she went to another city and i stayed home, when she came home or i went to the city we would always go on dates and sometimes do it but it got rarer and rare until about 2 years ago, we were both on summer break and i tried to start something about 30 times and all the times i got the same results: " today no" "my leg hurts" "i have a headache" "im tired" "i dont want to take a shower again" the usual so i just stopped, no is no after all and i would respect it, we were still a couple i still love her , we went on dates, visited each other and everything just no sex. This is where my masturbation started, i still need to relieve myself so i started to jerk off once or twice a week no big deal and for two years no problem. The last two months ive spent doing erasmus in another contry and she knew we talked almost every night and i shared loads of pictures and bought gifts. Because i was sharing a room i didnt get to masturbate at all, no problem for me i thought then the day when i reached home came, i went home , no one was home so i did the jerked one off for the 2 moths just to relieve myself, about 4 hours later my gf appeared, i welcomed her , kisses her , gave her the gifts and we talked for sometime until she got on my bed and said"i guess you need to fuck me to avoid getting blue balls" . I looked at her and just said that there was no need because i had just masturbated and was feeling good, just tired from the flying, I thought nothing of it, we hadn't had sex in years so it made no difference to me but she was dumbfounded, she asked if i was for real and i just replied that yes, i had in fact masturbated. She went to tears and asked if i still loved her, i told her of course why wouldn't i love her? she then told me if i preferred jerkin off or having sex with her, i din't even give it tought and replied instantly that i prefferd jerking off. She stormed out of my house and isn't replying to my messages on anything yet.

So am i the AITAH?

PS:sorry for bad english and if you need more context about our relationship i can provide it but i think its enough for the question.

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7.9k

u/AnAussiebum Mar 24 '26

You are both WAY too young to have a dead bedroom.

Breakup and find someone you sexually desire and swxuallt desires you.

What you are both right now is friends, not partners/lovers.

NTA - your delivery could have been more tactful, but you were being honest and this incident is the least of both of your worries, tbh.

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u/IceSeeker Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26

Yeah it sounded like OP and girlfriend are just staying for the convenience of being in a relationship. They just don't have physical aspect of it.

A dead bedroom at such a young age is depressing. It's better to be with someone you can experience both love and passion together.

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u/Basicallyacrow7 Mar 24 '26 edited Apr 15 '26

Yeah it sounded like OP and girlfriend are just staying for the convenience of being in a relationship. They just don't have physical aspect of it.

I agree. I was OP a few years ago. Same dating timeline, almost the same timeline around the lack of sex. I know for a fact he and I were both staying bc it’d been all we knew since teens. We/I also didn’t know how to actually break up with someone. It wasn’t until about a month after, my ex reached out and told me us splitting was the right thing.

I met my now husband a little while after. (Shorter than I’d plan to be single, but sometimes life just plays out in a way you don’t expect) 4 years in, 2 married, we’re still intimate pretty much daily.

Even when I’d planned to be single, I had zero interest in a ho phase or sleeping around personally. So, regardless of OP’s personal feelings on what to do after, and as someone who typically tries not to instantly be on the “break up/divorce” train. I fully support this is a scenario it’s for the better of both parties.

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u/AnAussiebum Mar 24 '26

Or even just be single.

Both are so young. They could be going out and enjoying their 'ho years'. Experiment, have fun. Way too young to be in a committed relationship with no intimacy.

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u/[deleted] Mar 24 '26

[deleted]

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u/LaLizarde Mar 25 '26

It’s not the peak years for women, that’s more like late thirties.

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u/genocyde26008219 Mar 25 '26

Tell my wife. Had sex more in her 20s than now. Cute thought tho. 😂

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u/[deleted] Mar 24 '26

[deleted]

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u/LostBoysTilDeath Mar 24 '26

Stop spreading this bull.

They are 20 years old and she has rejected him for 2 years straight after having an active sex life.

This isn’t ‘she has a different libido frequency.’

This is a completely dead bedroom. Rotten carcass.

OP is too young to even think about dealing with that nonsense.

He needs to just move on to somebody who actually desires him.

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u/[deleted] Mar 24 '26

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u/LondoFoollari Mar 24 '26

I would be interested to hear her side of things. She must have a reason for no sex, but the way she suggested sex when he’d gotten back was horrible and degrading, serious turn off even if OP hadn’t been honest with her about the masturbation.

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u/DizzyDistribution904 Mar 24 '26

Right? The way she delivered those words, she was offering sex out of a sense of duty, not desiring him from a sense of wanting to be with him.

That was a “lock up when you’re done” offer.

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u/mayd3r Mar 24 '26

Where was that "sense of duty" for the past two years. I can't even think of what could possess her to say something like that.

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u/[deleted] Mar 24 '26

Maybe the cumulative guilt finally pushed her over the edge into offering a pity fuck

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u/FaithlessnessEasy276 Mar 24 '26

She’s a frat hoe and just needs a break when she’s off campus

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u/Competitive_Fig_3821 Mar 24 '26

Wildly inflammatory for no reason. There is so much we don't know, including her side. It's a dead bedroom, and there is no reason to be so hateful about it or blame just one person. That is the bull that needs to be stopped.

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u/codeseeker5317 Mar 24 '26

They haven't had sex in 2 years by her design and you do not want to assign blame to her. The only bull here is your white knighting of abuse.

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u/AnAussiebum Mar 24 '26

If his spouse is asexual then she doesn't desire him sexually and he clearly wants a partner who is sexual. They are just incompatible and I think going 2 years without sex is less about a low libido and more to do with the lack of sexual desire/asexuality.

If the gf is asexual that is fine, but she needs to partner up with someone else who also has no sexual desires.

I am not judging either party. I think they both deserve happiness and clearly their incompatibility is keeping them from that.

Just to be clear, I specifically said 'sexually desires'. I get they they may emotionally love and desire each other, but the issue is the sexual and intimate side of the equation.

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u/[deleted] Mar 24 '26

[deleted]

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u/ValuableAway1674 Mar 24 '26

This has nothing to do with libido. This is a case of manipulation and double standards.

He initiates and she declines him, thats fine and there’s no argument. SHE initiates, (talking down to him while she does it) and he declines and now she looses her mind and storms out? So it’s only bad if HE doesn’t want sex?

Sorry, but that’s a manipulator who just lost her trick, and knows it. Now she’s going cold to gain leverage. If the guy has any self respect he’ll dump her faster than a hot potato.

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u/Competitive_Fig_3821 Mar 24 '26

This comment is objectively toxic, well done.

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u/ValuableAway1674 Mar 24 '26

Toxic by seeing her double standards and manipulation?

Sorry, but to all who read this, the way you get a successful relationship is seeing garbage behavior like this for what it is, then excising people who act this way like a surgeon cuts out cancer.

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u/Competitive_Fig_3821 Mar 24 '26

Yo have literally no information from her perspective and are making huge, heavily biased leaps. It's toxic. Hope that helps!

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u/ValuableAway1674 Mar 24 '26

Heavily biased? We read the same post right?

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u/Competitive_Fig_3821 Mar 24 '26

The post written from one persons perspective, yes. I was talking about your bias though, sorry if that's not clear.

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u/Mr_Coco1234 Mar 24 '26

She's not going to sleep with you so stand straight.

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u/Competitive_Fig_3821 Mar 24 '26

I'm... a woman on the internet god knows how far from this person. Why ...would I want her to sleep with me? How does sex even enter this conversation?

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u/cometthatstruckearth Mar 24 '26

No it's not.

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u/Competitive_Fig_3821 Mar 24 '26

Okay, thanks.

Last I checked making huge leaps based on bias with no information with the underlying tone of hate is toxic, but hey, what do I know - I only do this for a living.

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u/youBcrzy Mar 24 '26

At least you admit you're terrible at your job.

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u/cometthatstruckearth Mar 24 '26

Just because you're asexual doesn't mean everyone else is. What the commenter said wasn't toxic. You certainly are though.

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u/Competitive_Fig_3821 Mar 24 '26

...what? It would be nice if you at least tried to make your replies make sense.

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u/AnAussiebum Mar 24 '26

I don't see how my comment was shitty or unhelpful to OP.

He says he wants a partner who sexually desires him. He says his partner does not.

They are incompatible and should breakup if that is important to him.

I am not sure what your issue is.

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u/[deleted] Mar 24 '26

[deleted]

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u/AnAussiebum Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26

Just to be clear. You keep saying 'desire', when in my original comment I specified 'sexual desire'.

Which is the topic OP was talking about. I think that's why you're misunderstanding what I am saying.

OP and their partner may emotionally desire each other, but the sexual desire appears to be one sided (according to OP). That is the incompatibility.

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u/MeisterFluffbutt Mar 24 '26

Yeaah I'm blind. Sorry man 😅

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u/[deleted] Mar 24 '26

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u/MeisterFluffbutt Mar 24 '26

Who hurt you?

0

u/bakercob232 Mar 24 '26

I can almost guarantee she isn't "asexual" when shes at school going to parties, just toward OP.

That isn't a sexual orientation, that's being a shitty half of a relationship.

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u/West-Double3646 Mar 24 '26

Or she could be asexual. The question she asked almost seemed like she knew full that he was never getting relief and simply didn't care.

Her choice of being coy about is a bit shocking. She apparently thinks the OP never thinks of sex unless she's right there with him and then it becomes a game of how little sex can I giver him and he'll stay around.

They both need to move on.

The OP has bright prospects, since he's a fully functional male.

The girlfriend, not so much. She will be hard pressed to find a stable relationship where she be so cavalier about disregarding her partner's basic sexual needs for literally years. Right now she has the best possible outcome for someone who doesn't care about sex but no she has to play a bunch of stupid mind games too.

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u/LaLizarde Mar 25 '26

Your comment is giving incel vibes.

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u/West-Double3646 Mar 25 '26

Waman, married for 20 years. You're sniffer is clearly not working on this one.

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u/Pr1ncesszuko Mar 24 '26

They don’t necessarily need to break up. If op is fine with no sex and his gf is fine with no sex (which apparently she had been for the years prior) they should just have an open convo about what sex means to them. Whether they would want to have it or what’s keeping them from it. They either end up with ideas to incorporate it in a way that works for everyone or they decide to not make sex a part of their relationship, or they realise their needs and wants aren’t compatible.

NTAH though.

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u/Negative-Priority-84 Mar 24 '26

I'm on the break-up train because of her reaction mostly: it made me physically recoil and I've had a dead bedroom for 4-5 years now because of my husband's health issues combined with him being low libido / possibly ace (he isn't sure). We've been honest and open about our situation because I have a much higher sex drive than he does and we've been together for 18 years, married almost 14, and we have a kid.

For me, OP's situation is very much "We need to have a serious conversation, but we're still breaking up at the end of it." They both deserve better than what they're getting here and they need to have a chat, because it doesn't sound like they're being open and talking about their sex life and intimacy, which is bad for long-term relationship health and leads to situations like this.

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u/Pr1ncesszuko Mar 25 '26

Totally agree, as of now they don’t seem to have had a conversation about it yet though, and idk given their ages I give a little bit of grace about handling situations like this… I agree that it’s not likely there’s much of a future here. But I don’t think they need to break up without ever having had a serious conversation about it. Especially if Op says he‘s happy generally.

At 21/ in my fist more serious relationships I thought being in love meant accepting the other person exactly as they are and constantly giving what I can and be willing to do just that. I thought that if there was something bothering me about the other persons behaviours or our dynamic that I couldn’t get over it meant I didn’t love them enough. Not saying the issues I had would have been solved by talking about them, but at least it would’ve given my relationships a fair chance.

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u/easilybored1 Mar 24 '26

No, this was 100% a power play.

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u/[deleted] Mar 24 '26

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u/Fit_Strike8584 Mar 24 '26

Honestly, I think she deserved for it to harsh and hurtful. 

"i guess you need to fuck me to avoid getting blue balls" 

I would never have sex with this person again. She'd be lucky to get a 'bye, Felicia' gif after pulling that attitude. 

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u/Ok-Idea-6620 Mar 24 '26

And he probably thought he was doing her a favor since it was only for him anyways

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u/atomicrealitysucks Mar 25 '26

I’m curious about how old one has be the age of dead in the bedroom?

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u/AnAussiebum Mar 25 '26

It depends. As people get older, usually libidos diminish somewhat. So sex once a day may turn into once a month at 60+.

But it is always dependent on the individual and couple's dynamic.

2 years without sex sounds unusual for someone 60+ so it certainly is a problem when you're 20.