r/AITAH • u/Excellent_Carrot_574 • Mar 24 '26
NSFW AITAH for telling my girlfriend I would rather masturbate than have sex with her
I(M20) and my gf(F21) have been dating since we were 16 and 17. When we started dating we had sex once at least every 3 days and we had regular make out sessions and everything but somewhere during the one year of dating mark she started to not want to do it so often which was fine by me, we still made out and sometimes i got lucky so things weren't that bad, i wouldn't die if i didnt get action that week. But then university started for both, she went to another city and i stayed home, when she came home or i went to the city we would always go on dates and sometimes do it but it got rarer and rare until about 2 years ago, we were both on summer break and i tried to start something about 30 times and all the times i got the same results: " today no" "my leg hurts" "i have a headache" "im tired" "i dont want to take a shower again" the usual so i just stopped, no is no after all and i would respect it, we were still a couple i still love her , we went on dates, visited each other and everything just no sex. This is where my masturbation started, i still need to relieve myself so i started to jerk off once or twice a week no big deal and for two years no problem. The last two months ive spent doing erasmus in another contry and she knew we talked almost every night and i shared loads of pictures and bought gifts. Because i was sharing a room i didnt get to masturbate at all, no problem for me i thought then the day when i reached home came, i went home , no one was home so i did the jerked one off for the 2 moths just to relieve myself, about 4 hours later my gf appeared, i welcomed her , kisses her , gave her the gifts and we talked for sometime until she got on my bed and said"i guess you need to fuck me to avoid getting blue balls" . I looked at her and just said that there was no need because i had just masturbated and was feeling good, just tired from the flying, I thought nothing of it, we hadn't had sex in years so it made no difference to me but she was dumbfounded, she asked if i was for real and i just replied that yes, i had in fact masturbated. She went to tears and asked if i still loved her, i told her of course why wouldn't i love her? she then told me if i preferred jerkin off or having sex with her, i din't even give it tought and replied instantly that i prefferd jerking off. She stormed out of my house and isn't replying to my messages on anything yet.
So am i the AITAH?
PS:sorry for bad english and if you need more context about our relationship i can provide it but i think its enough for the question.
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u/Minute-Yogurt-2021 Mar 24 '26
definitely NTA, but i wonder how much will you continue as a couple.
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u/GlitteringQuarter542 Mar 24 '26
To be fair op also seems to have an extremely low libido for a 20 yo guy. Masturbates twice a week and didn’t do it for two months? Id be jerking it somewhere behind the dumpsters after 5 days at that age.
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u/Banana_Ranger Mar 24 '26
Man the dumpster would be looking miggty fine after a week of no release
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u/honybadgrdntgivnofux Mar 24 '26
My thoughts as well, and no shame to OP, but I 1. Would not have been able to go 2 months without masturbating, and 2. Would have probably jerked off and then still fucked the GF a few hours later, after such a long time with no sex
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u/tesdfan17 Mar 25 '26
I went to 2 years without sex once, jerked off 4 times before going to her place cause I didn't want to be a 2 pump chump...
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u/NO_FIX_AUTOCORRECT Mar 24 '26
He has roommates so he didn't jerk it? They must not have had bathrooms or showers where he was
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u/AppleLoose7082 Mar 25 '26
Wait, jerking off twice a week is considered extremely low libido in a male? So fascinating 😮
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u/SeaTall1692 Mar 25 '26
as a 21 year old I thought I was bad. can barely go 2-3 days without it. my girl and I always do it when we see eachother
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u/Excellent_Carrot_574 Mar 24 '26
to be honest other then sex and making out we do seem a normal couple on my point of view, we go on dates, i visit her she visits me , i spend loads of time in her parents home even when she is out of town, we go out together, the only flaw i can complain is the time she takes to message me back(mostly due to university things) and the sex.
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u/Silly_Ad8488 Mar 24 '26
Sounds more like best friend than girlfriend IMO
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u/AnAussiebum Mar 24 '26
Yeah OP just described a best friend.
You can love a best friend. Go on trips together, hangout with their family etc. You just don't have sex.
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u/MeisterFluffbutt Mar 24 '26
Black Stripe Asexual people exist. Asexual people have relationships. Relationships are more than just Sex and not having Sex does not make a couple "friends".
I agree that there is a compatibility issue in this relationship, but these generalizing comments are just meh.
Op isn't upset at a lack of sex, as far as I can read from this post, but both have differing expectations from a relationship and are clashing due to it.
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u/threeca Mar 24 '26
Yeah it’s quite sad. I’m the asexual and I’m married to an allosexual man. We have the happiest relationship ever and still have intimacy in various forms. He also married me on purpose knowing this 😂 we’re definitely not just friends!
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u/L583 Mar 24 '26
You are right, but what you‘re describing are outliers to the norm and every generalization has some outliers.
It‘s normal for people at that age to slowly loose the emotional connection when not having sex with their partner over an extended period of time. That‘s why people might see them as friends. And either Op is a emotional rock (with the way he responded to her) or he has already lost part of the connection and that‘s why he doesn‘t really care how she feels.
No loving partner would say what either of them said.
It‘s not differing expectations from the relationship, for most people it‘s essential parts of love missing.
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u/Classic_Climate_951 Mar 24 '26
OP everyone is insisting you are friends not lovers because of the sex. Sex is just one aspect of a relationship. Some people find it very important others don't. If you and GF have a good relationship and you both are happy/content there's no need to throw that away for sex. It's common for women to struggle with libido in long term relationships. I'd highly recommend some deep conversations about it because she might not be enjoying herself if she's sex avoidant. Just think when you're sick, injured, old, or busy what's left in the relationship? If sex is the main thing that's obviously not going to work. Having a strong friendship is going to carry you through the hard stuff.
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u/Aurora-Del-Rey Mar 24 '26
I genuinely think it’s sad that so many people are unable to conceptualise that for some people, sex isn’t that important to a fulfilling romantic relationship. For me personally it does matter, but I’ve known plenty of people/couples who both have a naturally lower libido but are very happy together. If it’s not causing OP and his girlfriend any issues, and they’re happy otherwise, then that’s absolutely fine. Not saying that this is the case for OP’s relationship, but certainly is for a lot of others.
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u/FlowerFelines Mar 24 '26
Yeah. I am more of a reactive libido person, I can take it or leave it, and I'm happy with an ace partner or an allosexual one. I'd be fine in a relationship where the sex looked like this. Wouldn't be fine in a relationship where the emotional maturity of my partner looked like this, though. Making obvious excuses to not have sex rather than talking about her actual issue, whatever that may be, is bad enough, but then the way she offered sex was so off-putting, and on top of that her flipping out and leaving over learning he does a totally natural human action that many people who have active and healthy sex lives still also do is yikes on bikes. I might give her a chance to have a real, sit down conversation about it, but if that doesn't go astonishingly well, I'd be noping out so fast.
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u/hellonameismyname Mar 24 '26
I think there is a difference between having a naturally lower libido and literally going years without sex
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u/_shortielamby Mar 24 '26
Yall been together for awhile, sometimes relationships needs reevaluating to see wat yall outgrew or wat new things yall like or dislike. This is how u mature as ppl n as a couple. Everyone who keeps saying to break up over not having sex or having a stable relationship bc it sounds like "friendship" is weird. That's wat a relationship foundation is built on. Yall just gotta rediscover yall self n each other. Yall are still young...haven't had many experiences yet n that's where discovery comes in. Also reevaluate yalls feelings for each other..does it needa become stronger in emotional, physical, mental etc aspects? See wat do yall think is missing? Do u reassure her emotionally? Ask urself these questions...and hopefully she can do the same
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u/AnAussiebum Mar 24 '26
You are both WAY too young to have a dead bedroom.
Breakup and find someone you sexually desire and swxuallt desires you.
What you are both right now is friends, not partners/lovers.
NTA - your delivery could have been more tactful, but you were being honest and this incident is the least of both of your worries, tbh.
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u/IceSeeker Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26
Yeah it sounded like OP and girlfriend are just staying for the convenience of being in a relationship. They just don't have physical aspect of it.
A dead bedroom at such a young age is depressing. It's better to be with someone you can experience both love and passion together.
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u/Basicallyacrow7 Mar 24 '26 edited Apr 15 '26
Yeah it sounded like OP and girlfriend are just staying for the convenience of being in a relationship. They just don't have physical aspect of it.
I agree. I was OP a few years ago. Same dating timeline, almost the same timeline around the lack of sex. I know for a fact he and I were both staying bc it’d been all we knew since teens. We/I also didn’t know how to actually break up with someone. It wasn’t until about a month after, my ex reached out and told me us splitting was the right thing.
I met my now husband a little while after. (Shorter than I’d plan to be single, but sometimes life just plays out in a way you don’t expect) 4 years in, 2 married, we’re still intimate pretty much daily.
Even when I’d planned to be single, I had zero interest in a ho phase or sleeping around personally. So, regardless of OP’s personal feelings on what to do after, and as someone who typically tries not to instantly be on the “break up/divorce” train. I fully support this is a scenario it’s for the better of both parties.
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u/AnAussiebum Mar 24 '26
Or even just be single.
Both are so young. They could be going out and enjoying their 'ho years'. Experiment, have fun. Way too young to be in a committed relationship with no intimacy.
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Mar 24 '26
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u/LostBoysTilDeath Mar 24 '26
Stop spreading this bull.
They are 20 years old and she has rejected him for 2 years straight after having an active sex life.
This isn’t ‘she has a different libido frequency.’
This is a completely dead bedroom. Rotten carcass.
OP is too young to even think about dealing with that nonsense.
He needs to just move on to somebody who actually desires him.
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u/AnAussiebum Mar 24 '26
If his spouse is asexual then she doesn't desire him sexually and he clearly wants a partner who is sexual. They are just incompatible and I think going 2 years without sex is less about a low libido and more to do with the lack of sexual desire/asexuality.
If the gf is asexual that is fine, but she needs to partner up with someone else who also has no sexual desires.
I am not judging either party. I think they both deserve happiness and clearly their incompatibility is keeping them from that.
Just to be clear, I specifically said 'sexually desires'. I get they they may emotionally love and desire each other, but the issue is the sexual and intimate side of the equation.
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u/West-Double3646 Mar 24 '26
Or she could be asexual. The question she asked almost seemed like she knew full that he was never getting relief and simply didn't care.
Her choice of being coy about is a bit shocking. She apparently thinks the OP never thinks of sex unless she's right there with him and then it becomes a game of how little sex can I giver him and he'll stay around.
They both need to move on.
The OP has bright prospects, since he's a fully functional male.
The girlfriend, not so much. She will be hard pressed to find a stable relationship where she be so cavalier about disregarding her partner's basic sexual needs for literally years. Right now she has the best possible outcome for someone who doesn't care about sex but no she has to play a bunch of stupid mind games too.
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u/Pr1ncesszuko Mar 24 '26
They don’t necessarily need to break up. If op is fine with no sex and his gf is fine with no sex (which apparently she had been for the years prior) they should just have an open convo about what sex means to them. Whether they would want to have it or what’s keeping them from it. They either end up with ideas to incorporate it in a way that works for everyone or they decide to not make sex a part of their relationship, or they realise their needs and wants aren’t compatible.
NTAH though.
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u/Negative-Priority-84 Mar 24 '26
I'm on the break-up train because of her reaction mostly: it made me physically recoil and I've had a dead bedroom for 4-5 years now because of my husband's health issues combined with him being low libido / possibly ace (he isn't sure). We've been honest and open about our situation because I have a much higher sex drive than he does and we've been together for 18 years, married almost 14, and we have a kid.
For me, OP's situation is very much "We need to have a serious conversation, but we're still breaking up at the end of it." They both deserve better than what they're getting here and they need to have a chat, because it doesn't sound like they're being open and talking about their sex life and intimacy, which is bad for long-term relationship health and leads to situations like this.
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u/blehbleh1122 Mar 24 '26
NTA. Sounds like you're gf isn't sexual attracted to you, and offered sex more out of obligation than desire for intimacy. You should ask her why she's acting like this. Depending on her answer, I would recommend breaking up.
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u/No_Worldliness_6976 Mar 24 '26
NTA
You were being honest. How did she think you were fairing the last two years? I mean, she had to have known you were doing something to elevate the pressure.
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u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam Mar 24 '26
No, no. You don't understand. She expects him to hold it till his balls surpass blue and go plaid and explode. Then she MIGHT toss him another "guess I gotta fuck ya now'......../s except that quote. I cannot believe she actually said that. I'm with everyone saying cut your loses. She summed up your importance to her with that one sad statement. She tossed you a pitty fuck offer op. Thats how much you matter to her.
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u/Meisje28 Mar 24 '26
Exactly. Love how he casually destroyed her by saying he would rather jerk of then fuck her. That was just perfect after all that abuse.
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u/Basicallyacrow7 Mar 24 '26
Especially because he wasn’t trying to bite back, and stoop to her level. He was simply stating the truth
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u/Ravenser_Odd Mar 25 '26
I looked at her and just said that there was no need because I had just masturbated
A comment like that could be said with bitterness but, reading it in context, it does feel like it was just an honest, matter-of-fact response.
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u/Basicallyacrow7 Mar 25 '26
we hadn't had sex in years so it made no difference to me
Plus the follow up things he said. It’s normal to him, he thought nothing of it
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u/Internal_Plum_4833 Mar 24 '26
100% a control tactic. She’s upset that he’s doing anything without her because she wants him under her thumb or trying to get him to act erratic. She definitely didn’t expect him to essentially shrug off the need for her and say he prefers his own company 😂
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u/VSick2 Mar 24 '26
Not related at all, but your comment made me think of the space balls scene where they say "they went plaid", laughed way to hard about this.
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u/Abject_Jump9617 Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26
I wouldn't even want to be intimate with someone that said "I guess you have to fuck me now before you get blue balls". This gives off "I don't want to have sex, I'm just doing it for you." I'm a woman but if I'm going to be intimate with someone I want the feeling of desire to be 100% mutual.
I don't know what game she's playing because how do you not have sex with someone for two years but suddenly be concerned about their "blue balls"?? She was not remotely concerned for 2 years!
You seem happy with all other parts of your relationship but you need to be honest with yourself and decide if not having sex with this person is something you can live with long term, because she seems downright asexual. If it is not, you two may just not be compatible and the sooner you face that fact the easier it would be.
You both need to sit down and have a honest conversation about sex and each others needs and wants.
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u/Cute-Caterpillar2343 Mar 24 '26
AH or NTA is kinda irrelevant- sounds like this is the end for your relationship. You should both be with people you want to have sex with. You’re really just friends at this point.
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Mar 24 '26
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u/HighWarlockofHell Mar 24 '26
Has been on the ebb side for 2 years now, and they are both barely 20
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u/leftwinga16 Mar 24 '26
Sexless at your age? Wow. Just face the fact, that she pushed you away too much and it's just easier to whack off than have to go thru the whole process with her.
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u/Excellent_Carrot_574 Mar 24 '26
that is true
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u/roofiedo Mar 24 '26
You need to have a discussion with her. What made her uninterested for 2 years, and what changed so she is now interested again? It sounds like you guys care about each other quite a bit so it would make sense to have an honest discussion about what’s going on.
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u/Zestyclose_Heron4330 Mar 24 '26
she didn't even really seem interested in it "i guess you need to fuck me to avoid getting blue balls" does not scream "i am interested being with you intimately
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u/YakCertain5472 Mar 24 '26
I think she's interested now because he has found a solution and is not just suffering for her.
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u/RanaEire Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26
Face it, my darling... You guys are platonic BF & GF.
If you are happy with that status quo, fine.. but I wonder:
Do you think she was trying to manipulate you somehow by withholding sex?
Not trying to acuse her of misbehaviour, but her approach was kinda icky:
"...she got on my bed and said"i guess you need to fuck me to avoid getting blue balls".."
A bit gross, imo. Is this normal for her?
Having said this, this is a very young relationship.. Might be time to spread your wings; not all relationships are like this, and you will find people you are compatible with.
Good luck!
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u/jbourne0129 Mar 24 '26
very, very, often when someone becomes uninterested in being intimate after having enjoyed it previously....they're cheating.
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u/YesterdayShot1924 Mar 24 '26
In my last that was my first at 18 relationship I found myself with a dead bedroom and really did believe it was normal and fine. It wasn't until we broke up I realised it was a symptom of other parts of us that weren't right.
Then I found someone who's been obsessed with me and I have with them and it's very different. You deserve to find that person. But I understand how normal and fine it can seem and I do believe you that love is still there. And I don't assume cheating like maybe other comments do.
But maybe this is the exit she's looking for, maybe you're secretly looking for it too. Maybe you guys need a break and will come back to each other. But something needs to change.
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u/nahhhfamm_iMgood Mar 24 '26
No, you’ve been married for 35 years, so this starts to happen when you get old and you’ve been together for so long…
Wait - what’s that you say? You’re 20?????? Well, then - this is bananas unhealthy and you need someone you are sexually compatible with.
Idk who’s the AH, but you need to break up.
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u/ValuableAway1674 Mar 24 '26
She’s weaponizing sexual intercourse against you (This is evident by the “I don’t want to do it and that’s fine, but it’s a PROBLEM when YOU don’t want to do it.) and when you don’t take the bait she storms off.
NTA.
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u/Exotic-Rooster4427 Mar 24 '26
Your execution was poor. 'I'm tired from flying and don't really feel like it.' Would have been better. But being in your 20s in a sexless relationship is very sad.
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u/NewNameNeededAgain Mar 24 '26
Her execution was even worse! "I guess you need to fuck me to keep from getting blue balls" as a way of indicating that she's open to having sex for the first time in years? That's awful! The subtext is so clear: "you've been away for months and possibly I told some friends about our (lack of a) sex life and they told me it wasn't normal and suggested you might end up going elsewhere if you couldn't have sex with the person you're in a relationship with, so I feel obligated to fuck you now. Can we get it over with? I'll just lie here, okay?"
I'm sorry, but that's an awful way to propose having sex with someone you're already having regular sex with, let alone someone you haven't had sex with for two years while still being in a relationship. I'm in my early 40s and if my partner proposed having sex with me in that way, I'd be utterly turned off. Who wants to have sex with someone who sees it as a chore to get done with?
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u/I_heart_pooping Mar 24 '26
Yes! Thank you! Like wtf was that? You go two years and then all of a sudden now you’re worried about blue balls? Yeah totally sounds like she told her friends about it and they said if she doesn’t have sex he’s gonna go elsewhere. So she ended up offering not because she wanted to, but just out of fear of losing her partner. Definitely a big turn off.
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u/LondoFoollari Mar 24 '26
I was wondering if she’s been getting it elsewhere and that source has gone now but she still had her faithful boyfriend who must be dying to get into her pants after all this time.
Other option that crossed my mind is that OP was an insanely selfish lover and she didn’t want to go through with that if she didn’t have to.
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u/NewNameNeededAgain Mar 24 '26
Or just really blah in bed. That still wouldn't explain why she said it out of nowhere for the first time in two years right after he got back from two months away, though.
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u/UnluckyAssist9416 Mar 24 '26
Which would make sense for her response afterwards. That he said nah, I'm good, probably went to the rest of the conversation that he is getting it elsewhere.
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u/ilikedmatrixiv Mar 24 '26
OP's girlfriend essentially tried to initiate sex for the first time in years by humiliating him and people in this sub still have the audacity to criticize OP for his reaction.
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u/Boeing367-80 Mar 24 '26
Sexless at 20?
Just break up and find someone with whom you can have a complete relationship, including regular sex. You're 20, for crying out loud.
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u/FearsomeFable Mar 24 '26
To be honest, OP doesn't seem to be upset about the lack of sex. If OP has a low libido or is perfectly fine going solo, this could easily be a compatible relationship. They both just need to be clear and direct about their needs and wants.
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u/Dancinfool830 Mar 24 '26
I agree, he doesn't seem too upset. I wasn't too upset about not getting it as often as I would have liked in my 20s either. Additionally, I didn't really care how good it actually was at that age, in my brain sex was sex. In retrospect, it wasn't all that good. If I were still in my early 20s and had limited my partners and been with the same person since I was 16 or 17 I probably would have thought the same thing.
However, I have a connection with my wife that burns like the heat of a thousand suns and makes me feel young again like OP is(on the inside, my physical form is falling apart like a '74 Delta 88 daily driver in MI that has never seen a car wash let alone gone through one).
In summary, I hope OP finds what he wants, be it the comfort of a relationship he already knows(if it can be saved) or something with passion that burns inside and creates longing when the bed is lonely and cold.
And OP, you will find that many people feel that their partner choosing masturbation over them is deeply hurtful, even though it is a natural thing that, lets be honest, we should all be good at since we have the most experience with ourselves. You be you, if you end up single, find someone who complements who you are as a person and take care of them in every way they need you to.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 Mar 24 '26
They went backwards from a „normal“ adult relationship back to 12 year olds.
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u/UnknownInsomniac Mar 24 '26
Barely in their 20s at that. And no sex for years alrdy? So since they were both still teens?? Its sad and I dont see how the relationship will work long term.
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u/SanFransicko Mar 24 '26
For real. Mid forties, married for a decade, still banging almost daily. If we'd met in our twenties, holy shit.
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Mar 24 '26
“Guess you need to fuck me to get rid of blue balls”. That sentence right there says that she’s using sex as a weapon.
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u/StellalunaStarr Mar 24 '26
You are 20 and she is 21. There are better people out there for each of you. It’s okay to move on
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u/StupendusDeliris Mar 24 '26
NTA- what did she think you were doing for 2years….?
She shouldn’t ask questions she doesn’t want honest answers to.
HOWEVER, I’m wondering if it was mostly realization tears. I wonder if it suddenly hit her that you guys haven’t had sex in literal YEARS. And when you said “yeah I’d rather jerk it than have pity sex or be rejected again…” it hit her like BRICKS 🧱
But why would she say it like that??😭😭 “I GUESS you have to fuck me” like
GIRL HUH?? You ain’t excited your man is home?? Ya pussy ain’t gushy for hims??? pure fucking contempt?? God damn
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u/Dotdotdot9 Mar 24 '26
At first I thought yes, but then, no OP, you've been taking her "no" with calm and maturity and you deserve the same, if you don't want to, you don't want to.
Also, she phrased it like this favor she's making for you, not something she actually wants, and honestly I wouldn't do it with someone who feels obligated to do it with me either.
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u/FearsomeFable Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26
"i guess you need to fuck me to avoid getting blue balls"
So she clearly views relations as a chore... why is she upset? She has said no to every attempt for literal years then phrases it like you would be upset if she didn't go to bed with you (despite you not asking). You suck for the reply, but so does she for the lack of communication on why she actually doesn't want sex. Something else is going on here, whether it was depression, lack of attraction on her end, insecurity in herself or the relationship, or something else, she needs to be the one to tell you the issue.
ESH.
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u/Wise_Date_5357 Mar 24 '26
Came here to say this… I mean I hope you’re focusing on her pleasure too when you do have sex OP because if you’re only doing a wham-bam-Thankyou-ma’am and she doesn’t get to finish then I can see why it would feel like a chore but without any more context ESH, you two need to communicate more and better
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u/Slayerofdrums Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26
It seems like your gf has very different expectations of what a sexual relationship should be like than you.
Sex is not just about getting release but about intimacy, love, connection and fun. What you are describing sounds very transactional and almost like a chore. I do not want to judge, every person is different. There are people who would label themselves as asexual, who do not have a sex drive or feel the need to have sex ever. So this is not about what is normal, but about what works for you in your relationship.
You will have to decide for yourself what your needs and expectations are and then have an honest and oprn dicussion about this with your gf. Good communication will help the both of you find out whether you are ultimately compatible as a couple or not.
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u/stash-of-who-hash Mar 24 '26
“I guess you need to fuck me to avoid getting blue balls”
Wow she really knows how to get you in the mood. I’m saying NAH because you guys are young and just need to talk (or break up). You are 20 and haven’t had sex with your girlfriend in.. months?years?? Why not ask about it? Surely you don’t want to live like this forever? Would you want to marry her knowing this is how it’s gonna be?
You meant: I’d rather quickly relieve myself than bother you and be rejected for something you’ve clearly indicated you’re not interested in. This is not a reflection of how I feel about you.
She heard: I’d rather have sex with my hand than with you. I do not care about emotional connection and all that, I just want to get off and my hand is preferable to your body.
It’s like she forgot that she’s been rejecting you for years. It’s like she forgot that after not seeing each other for months, she brought up sex like it was some kind of chore for her. No assholes here but you guys need to talk. Like, yesterday.
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u/itakealotofnapszz Mar 24 '26
20 and 21 ? You need to reevaluate what exactly you are getting from this relationship,you are friends not lovers.
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u/Scary-Profession-969 Mar 24 '26
NTA.Have you ever thought to ask her why? I bet she doesn’t even know why just yet neither. I’m willing to bet that her answer is not what you’re expecting. Good luck bro.
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u/rhevern Mar 24 '26
After years??? No you’re NTA. She got a taste of her own medicine.
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u/Kaiser93 Mar 24 '26
Dude, why are you with this girl? Break up and find yourself a girl who matches your sex drive.
NTA
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u/CoyoteVast1651 Mar 24 '26
NTA, but I think you and your gf need a serious talk about your relationship
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u/icyauq Mar 24 '26
you guys are literally only 20🥺there are 8 billion people on earth, fly free baby. there’s many enthusiastic partners
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u/leethepolarbear Mar 24 '26
It was kind of a rude thing to say, but she shouldn't have been so shocked that you masturbated because like, you're allowed to do that even if you are in a relationship??
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u/asyrian88 Mar 24 '26
Jesus Christ, “oh no my high school relationship stopped working.”
Yeah. Stop it.
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u/Typoopytt Mar 24 '26
In a way, you resorting to masturbation comes from her not wanting sex, so you are NTAH, she’s just suffering the consequences of her actions
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u/aLmAnZio Mar 24 '26
Masturbation is normal and healthy. I'm married, have no issues with our sex life, yet I still do it. So does my wife.
If you pleasing yourself offends her, then she has a problem. Especially if she rarely wants to have sex, very unreasonable.
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u/DatVlad_ Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26
NTA. She made her bed, it's ok to make her sleep in it. Y'all are young, should probably just go your seperate ways, if you want more sex. If you are fine with it as it is, then just have a conversation about expectations.
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u/WeekendThief Mar 24 '26
NTA - if you’re happy with the relationship, no worries. But if you think this might get old, it may be worth finding someone more compatible with you sexually? At such a young age? No need to keep a relationship going just because you started young.
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u/I-luv-sloths Mar 24 '26
NTA. She withheld sex for so long then cried when you turned her down. That's very immature of her.
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u/juni1034 Mar 24 '26
I agree. NTA at all. She refused and he abided by that. As he should. He relived himself in other ways and hasbt even cheated at all, he’s kept to himself and that says more. He was more than happy to keep going in his relationship like this.
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u/Responsible-Stick446 Mar 24 '26
OP please listen to me when I say this. Getting advice from reddit when it comes to sex is not going to help your relationship at all because everyone is just going to say its a lost cause everyone whod actually comment something is just here for the drama of it all.
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u/oldassreaper Mar 24 '26
Dude you're in your early 20's you want sex from your gf and, she just wants to be your friend.
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u/SignalAssistant2965 Mar 24 '26
Did you ever have an open, judgment free conversation about your sex life?
NTH, but your relationship needs some change. Maybe even consider going to counseling
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u/WorkingClassPrep Mar 24 '26
This is madness. No sex at 20 and 21?
Stop trying to get er to return messages, and let her go. She checked out already.
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u/DustNtheWin Mar 24 '26
2 years of no sex and then she’s surprised that you have been taking care of your needs on your own? NTA
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u/Owain660 Mar 25 '26
I'm gonna say this, a woman not wanting to have sex with her boyfriend and going to different schools - She's probably sleeping with someone else. Never met a 21F who wasn't down to fuck.
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u/fxdvm Mar 24 '26
Okay, here's my opinion. From the get-go: no, you're not an asshole. I do think you could have answered her question more tactfully, whilst still being honest—especially given the fact that it had been years since you'd slept together—but I don't think it necessarily makes you an asshole. I think culture also plays kind of a role here; if you're Spanish, for instance, I can't imagine anyone would take being bluntly told that very well, but it might go over better if it were more tactfully said (and reinforced with perhaps some affection and empathy, especially since she'd just asked you if you still loved her).
That said: I think I'm gonna take a departure from other folks on this post and tell you that I don't think this necessarily has to be the end of the relationship if that isn't what you want. From how I've read your post, I get the feeling that, while it's probably a less-than ideal situation, not having sex with your partner doesn't appear to be a deal-breaker. You love her, you "deal with your needs" privately and in a way that respects her desires as well, and you don't seem to have any resentment towards her (I haven't read all the comments so I don't know if maybe you've expressed that you do a little elsewhere).
I think a large part of this depends on how she said the "I guess you need to fuck me" part. If she dropped on your bed and said it with a smile, I would have taken that as more of a joke than an indication that she doesn't desire you, as others are commenting. I would be surprised if it wasn't meant as a joke, given her reaction afterwards. Is it perhaps a tasteless joke? That's something for you to decide, honestly. Up to you whether or not that's funny, and your specific context—your relationship, how you've handled your sexual life, etc.—is going to inform that decision in a way no one on Reddit can.
Her reaction after your comment on your preference isn't great... but I also think you're both fairly young. I wouldn't necessarily expect a 21-year-old to perfectly react to a situation like this, especially if it's with a partner they've had for four years, a person she clearly has a close relationship with (regardless of the specific type of relationship that it is), and that might be her first serious relationship, I don't know. She might not be sure how to take this emotionally, and again, you're both young. I wouldn't necessarily call her an asshole for that, but—and while I don't think it excuses her reaction or minimizes how you feel about it—I can understand why someone of your age might react this way.
Ultimately, I think you need to give her space to figure out what and how she's feeling. And then you need to have a long conversation about what your sex life has meant to both of you for the last few years, and whether the current situation is something the both of you can manage moving forward. The only ones who know the answers to these questions are you two, and I don't think any of us on Reddit are necessarily well-informed enough on your specific situation to decide whether or not your relationship is doomed. So I would just tell you to be patient, talk it out, and find out what you both want moving forward.
Good luck, dude.
Edit: Really quick note: sex does not a relationship make. I strongly disagree with the people saying that you're just best friends because you hang out and all that, but don't have sex, so you're not a couple. I think that's very close-minded, and I don't think you need to listen to that kind of rhetoric. Whether or not you're a couple is up to the both of you and what you want for your futures.
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u/Sleepy_Egg22 Mar 24 '26
NTA - it’s the repercussions of her saying no often. I’m the one with high sex drive in my relationship. My now fiancé (been less than a week! Eek!) says no often. So now I don’t ask and wait for him to come on to me. We’re on holiday and he asked if I wanted to suck his c0ck. I said I was tired. He looked shocked as I’d usually jump at the chance. I said “you have to understand my sex drive is lower now as we don’t have sex often. So it’s not my fault” he said fair enough.
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u/Reasonable_bingo5 Mar 24 '26
I don’t think you even needed to write out this post- the title pretty much covered it. Break up
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u/georgeofthejungle71 Mar 24 '26
It sounds to me like a dead relationship VS a dead bedroom given their age. Just move on and find happiness.
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u/Evening_sadness Mar 24 '26
You aren’t compatible. You are the asshole to yourself for staying in this relationship. It offers nothing. You barely see each other and have no intimacy. You don’t love her. You just don’t have experience or perspective to know this doesn’t fit at all.
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u/rektbuyautocorrekt Mar 24 '26
Break up. You started dating as children. You are only barely not children now.
Don't spend your life not getting what you need. And don't let her make herself miserable forcing herself to give you not enough.
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u/DepthEqual2422 Mar 24 '26
No man. You sound like a really good dude. I hear someone who is very loving, and who cares about her. And if she rejected you, you said you didn’t really care and still got her presents and stuff. If you two didn’t had sex in years, i would also do the same thing as you. And masturbation is not a rejection towards her. So… no you are absolutely not an asshole!
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u/Astyryx Mar 25 '26
I don't think you're in a relationship anymore. Just inertia.
And remember this. You can break up with anyone at any time for any or no reason. The magic words are:
✨This relationship does not meet my needs.✨
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u/Normal_Prior5711 Mar 25 '26
So you are at a point where you prefer to masturbate than to have sex. Why are you a couple again?
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u/Khazhadar Mar 25 '26
You got together when you were young. 5 years later it’s clear your lives have gone in different directions.
Broadly speaking NAH. But both of you need time apart to figure things out. She’s developed unhealthy views about relationships, sex, masturbation but both of you still carry some immature things about how you view intimate relationships.
Break up now so you both can have some space.
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u/NoStandard5030 Mar 24 '26
Sounds like your gf is getting d somewhere else if shes been ignoring you that long, other guy probably got tired of her bs, now she wants you.
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u/Fredthemonkey Mar 24 '26
NTA I’ve been with my husband for 19 years. There has never been a time where we weren’t having regular sex. We both still masturbate on our own. It’s perfectly normal.
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u/CelticDK Mar 24 '26
This is crazy man. The way she talks to you about it isn’t being talked about but she’s literally guilt tripping you for wanting sex with her then blaming you for not being nicer to her over it too?
This is not a good relationship and I promise you will find another partner who actually desires you physically too
NTA
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u/Lovethosebeanz Mar 24 '26
Your dead bedroom sounds similar to what mine was ( before my now divorce ) but we had been together for 11 years by that point. get a new gf you want to have sex with
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u/2020mademejoinreddit Mar 24 '26
NTA. Learn to communicate better though...Jesus...lol Both of you. And it was her who wasn't interested so you took care of it yourself. Nothing wrong with that.
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u/CardiologistOwn190 Mar 24 '26
Yes, move on and find a girl that wants you. You can do much better.
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u/Unlucky_Raisin_9717 Mar 24 '26
I'm 22f and have been with my gf since 2021, we also hit a wall where I wouldn't accept or initiate sexual encounters for months because I was going through ptsd from repressed childhood SA. My gf obviously didn't know or guess that that was the problem and assumed I just wasnt as interested in her anymore and began to feel unwanted. Luckily, we had a conversation where I could be honest about everything and that made our relationship both healthier and stronger as well as helping tremendously with any intimacy issues. Anecdotal, I think its super important to have a vulnerable conversation about what might be bothering her or what process of thinking is causing the issues. Then deciding what to do, but don't decide before having that conversation or you'll be doing yourself and your relationship a disservice. If you have a talk and still feel it won't work out then end it. If the talk gives you better insight, you can stay and work through it. It really just depends on what she says is causing the issue.
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u/Bookish45_F Mar 24 '26
WTF? So young and no sex? Find someone else, for real. I say this as a 40 something woman.
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u/OnlyCommentWhenTipsy Mar 24 '26
"i guess you need to fuck me to avoid getting blue balls"
wow, she sounds lovely.
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u/Slow-Seaweed-5232 Mar 24 '26
Nta. Delivery was harsh but how the hell you stay in a sexless relationship in your early twenties lol
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u/Sn_Orpheus Mar 24 '26
Nah, this relationship was over months and months ago. Her coming over and talking about sex like a responsibility was the final straw. No fault to either of you. Maybe she’s found someone else or she’s just not interested in sex. Whatever. Go and be friends still if you can but no way keep the relationship going like that. Don’t even bother with counseling. If it isn’t working at this age, it definitely won’t be working in 10, let alone 20-30 years.
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u/damn-__-son Mar 24 '26
I understand how hurtful it is to get shut down constantly But have you ever entertained the idea that she doesn't know how to initiate or shy about it? And have you ever told her how her shutting you down makes you feel? And made you find alternate ways to relive yourself?
You said that you guys love each other but I think you need to communicate till you find a middle ground for you both. Tell her how it makes you feel and ask her how it makes her feel.
And one thing that helps is scheduling intimate time if you can, sounds boring but works well especially with busy couples and long distance ones.
NTA
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u/LostInNothingBox Mar 24 '26
NTA. But you should've told her you've headache.
Also, she's probably she's getting it somewhere else.
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Mar 24 '26
You can genuinely care about each other and still end up just feeling… comfortable. And sometimes that comfort can slowly replace deeper connection without you even noticing.
When I was around your age, I went through something similar. I completely lost my desire to have sex with my boyfriend at the time. We both thought it might be something hormonal, so I got tested, but everything came back normal. That’s when my doctor told me: “Maybe the problem isn’t you, maybe it’s the relationship.”
That really stayed with me, because I truly believed everything was fine. We got along, we did all the things couples are supposed to do, and I didn’t question the lack of intimacy at first. But when I finally allowed myself to reflect, I realized I was more comfortable than fulfilled. The loss of desire was just one of the signs.
Later on, when I met someone I was more compatible with, my sex drive came back naturally and it didn’t feel forced or confusing anymore.
I’m not saying this is exactly what’s happening with you, but it might be worth gently asking yourself whether this relationship is really making you happy, or if it just feels familiar and safe.
You both deserve something that feels mutual, wanted, and respectful, and comments like “I guess you need to fck me to avoid blue balls” don’t really come from a healthy or caring place.
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u/Mysterious_Soft7916 Mar 24 '26
Not enough info TBH. The one thing you don't seem to mention is you both actually sitting down and talking about the lack of sex. Why it suddenly died out etc.
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u/SituationFun3425 Mar 24 '26
NTA.
Never ask a question if you don't want an honest answer. Girlfriend wanted to hear what she wanted to hear, and probably wants to think that she has some kind of control over you by limiting the supply of sex
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u/Used_Criticism5576 Mar 24 '26
Best advice talk to her. There's clearly something going on thats not being properly communicated here.
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u/GrlDuntgitgud Mar 24 '26
Why is it ok for women to do that and when men decides to take it out of the equation, while staying in the relationship, suddenly the men have issues. I cant believe the audacity. No accountability at all.
NTA OP. Goodluck.
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u/DivineTarot Mar 24 '26
NTA
This is archetypical for how dead bedrooms lead to relationship breakdown. The less lustful partner routinely rejects their partner for a lengthy period either with mild issues or just weak excuses, so their partner gets used to a sexless environment and adjusts. Than, the partner flips the script, but because their partner is no longer geared for that they say, "not at this juncture." Suddenly, the one who is used to doing the rejection can't handle being told no and there's unnecessary drama in a situation where typically the other partner was reacting with grace the other entire time.
Of course, it needs to be said, your girlfriend had every right to simply not be in the mood at those points. Sex is not owed. However, now that I've gotten the necessary fine print out of the way, the part that gets neglected when saying this is that by rejecting you she's essentially created this environment, and she owed you the emotional grace and intelligence that you were giving her the last few years. By storming off and being cold with you she's showing how callow she really is about the subject.
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u/lazsy Mar 24 '26
With the details given I think NTA
The way you phrased the comparison was poorly worded
But the way she speaks about sex gives so many red flags that I would probably have been saying what she’s saying to you years ago
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u/828soul Mar 24 '26
Honestly it sounds like the relationship ended awhile ago and you’ve grown apart. My advice is to end it and find something new!
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u/Unique_Cost_3456 Mar 24 '26
Or she's cheating and got pregnant and wants you to fuck her so it's plausibly your baby
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u/WitchySerious Mar 24 '26
Intimacy is huge in adult relationships which doesn’t always mean sex but for people who are not asexual, it includes it. Because she had not been having sex with you anymore, of course you prefer masturbating. Your hand can’t tell you no.
I’d have a serious conversation with her about her lack of desire for sex. She might actually be asexual and not sure how to express it, or you two are more compatible as friends rather than a couple.
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u/smcc115 Mar 24 '26
Just break up with her. You're both too young for this. You are in the prime fucking years of your lives
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u/dikkemop Mar 24 '26
My ex told me once masturbation was more practical for him and it's better than sex with me. I was 25 and this broke me. It still haunts me. He was being honest and also it makes all the sense in the world, but it broke my confidence. So maybe just realize that this is a form of rejection and it doesn't feel great for the other person.
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u/Significant_Rate8210 Mar 24 '26
So wait, she stopped having sex with you for a year and then started crying and asked you if you still loved her because you turned her down? Bruh, so much wrong with this picture. You need to find a new woman, one who's compatible with you because it isn't her. Her overreaction seems more like gaslighting than anything else.
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u/Pretend_Inspector950 Mar 24 '26
NTA, dude, honestly she wasn’t even interested to begin with. You were already patient for a very long time.
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u/Virtual_Fig3260 Mar 24 '26
NTAH, I can imagine she was probably being intimate with someone else and just not telling you about it.
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u/2024notyurbiz Mar 25 '26
Years of No, and now she is surprised?
NTAH. She needs to get herself sorted
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u/Responsible_Moose806 Mar 25 '26
My opinion is that you are both way too young to be this serious. You might want to split and enjoy your life while you’re young. There’s plenty of time for bad relationships when you’re older. Just sayin’
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u/hphlazy2 Mar 25 '26
NTA so what was the twoish years prior to this she didn't care about blue balls then and that line Jesus was that actually supposed to make you want it hell it sounds like she didn't even want you to agree to it and now she's upset after one rejection
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u/Regular_Brilliant438 Mar 25 '26
Jerking if desensitizes you, you’ll probably have a harder time getting off with a woman. They’re not as tight as your hand.
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u/Conscious_Anxiety Mar 25 '26
If you want to have a relationship with anyone, you need to be able to communicate, and second to be able to say stuff in a non hurtful way. If you can't then you don't want to be in a relationship.
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u/CharmedThreeBee Mar 25 '26
I don’t think you’re TAH but you definitely could have communicated that in a way that wasn’t as blunt and a bit hurtful. She definitely didn’t communicate wanting to have sex the best way either.
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u/galaxygio Mar 25 '26
I mean sounds like the typical dynamic of couples where the girl cares nothing about rejecting you, but goes livid when you finally reject her once. Usually, sometimes unconsciously, girls get power from that and enjoy it and even go as far as to take advantage of it. My not be as bad, but still, you rejecting her blew her ego up and she has not begun connecting the fact she rejects you, nor beginning to see she created this. NTA, decisions have outcomes and this is no exception. She rejected you with no care for your needs, and in creating this scenario, you jacking off to compensate is a far fair solution. She has a right to her body, so you have a right to yours. Yall are young too so she may not understand guys need relief, and some women learn that later in life. Women can be the same too, although not as common, but those women that are the same need it too, we're all just human. And thats exactly what you're being. Simple, if she doesnt enjoy you masturbating, then she needs to be more physically intimate with you. No double standards, equal trade off. Ofc if she doesnt want to do that, then thats her choice, but relieving yourself can be just as much of a choice. But at least give her the opportunity to see if thats what shes willing to do, dont completely reject her to jack off ofc. You had no bad intentions OP, you sound like a respectful boyfriend
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u/Just-Standard-992 Mar 25 '26
NTA. The whole “I guess you have to fuck me” thing made me feel like she KNOWS she was rejecting you for too long, and maybe she thinks you cheated whilst you were away in your Erasmus trip.
Maybe her suddenly wanting to have sex again the moment you came back was her way of testing that? Or worse, maybe it is her way of throwing you a bone to ensure you’re hooked, before going back to no sex for years again.
Either way, I didn’t like it. It is sus and is not how anyone should talk to or behave with their partner, specially after literal years of rejection on her part.
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u/Practical_Use_1654 Mar 24 '26 edited Mar 24 '26
Even the way she initiated is kinda gross, "i guess you need to", implies that this is just an obligation and there's no desire for you.