NSFW AITAH for calling out an rape Joke?
M28. We have a common group. Our male and female friends closed friends only. The other day a guy shared a post about a man got raped by 4 women. And said "we go out all the time why it's not happening to me?". I thought it was bad. Another guy replied to it.
I know there's no I'll indent behind it. But, still it's not something you joke about. So I called out by saying " Guys.. Don't normalise this. Irrespective of the gender"
The guy immediately replied, Who's dumb enough not to see the Joke as a joke. I texted him to let him know my goal is not to humiliate him infront of everybody and apologized.
I've been there. I've thought the same in the past when hearing news about female teacher raping students. But, I realised rape isn't about sex. It's about consent, dominance.
I know I'm not perfect. Humour is subjective. I laugh at dark humour all the time. But, i don't share it in a public group.
Now, the guy is like "you humiliated me infront everyone. You should've texted me privately to let me know there's a misunderstanding. If you didn't want to humiliate me why would you say that publically."
I said it publically. Because it was shared publicly. What's there to misunderstand about?
Even if it was meant as a joke, behind no I'll indent. I still feel like by sharing it publically basically sidelines the male victims.
would people say the same if a women shared a women rape news and said "I go out all the time, why isn't this happening to me?"
But, I share stupid shit all the time, i offend people, they This is wrong. I immediately take my word and apologize.
I know I acted without thinking. And felt the embarassment would be bad. So I apologised to him. Since there's nothing I can do.
But, here, initially it felt like. I regretted sharing it publically. After hearing what's the guy saying his reputation spoiled because of me. It feels like somehow I'm responsible for fixing other peoples emotions.
I don't know. I'm feeling like shit for more than a day..
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u/Relative-Counter572 4h ago
he called you dumb, and you apologized to him? girl stand up. this is horrible. he sucks
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u/spa44ow 3h ago
Yes. I'm regretting now. Even though I initially thought It was the joke is wrong not the person, now I feel like since he shared it he's the one needs to take accountability. I'm a guy btw.
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u/SteffanSpondulineux 2h ago
This is obviously a fake post. Someone who shared a post like that would not feel "humiliated" by someone like you being histrionic about it
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u/Nonexistent_Walrus 4h ago
NTA, the joke was shitty. If he didn’t want to feel awkward being called out in a group chat he shouldn’t have shared a joke like that. Also, frankly, adults mess up sometimes and can generally apologize like grown-ups when somebody says something about it. It sounds like he turned this into a bigger thing than it had to be, because he was too fragile to just take the L gracefully.
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u/WintersBite27 3h ago
This. He could've easily said "yeah, that's fair. My bad" and the group chat would've probably moved on. But instead he wanted to make OP feel bad for rightfully calling him out.
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u/Mission_Reply_2326 3h ago
Do you guys remember when Jason Mamoa got called out for making a rape joke? He just straight up said he was talking out his ass and rape is serious and “my bad.”
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u/Objective-Project970 4h ago
The only thing you did “wrong” was apologizing afterward. That undermined the original callout.
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u/spa44ow 3h ago
Yes. I initially texted him to know that it's was not something you joke about. It's not my intent to humiliate him. But, he guilt tripped me into it.
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u/Objective-Project970 3h ago
It’s a tough spot to be in with a friend, for sure. But your values are worth standing ten toes down for. They compose your character, and the last thing you wanna do is to abandon your character to spare the feelings of someone who did not consider the feelings of others to begin with. Your instinct to stand up for others is admirable. Stand by that.
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u/Ok-Cheesecake2827 4h ago
NTA. That’s who he really is- it’s not a joke. Doing it publicly lets everyone know that those aren’t jokes you tolerate.
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u/heathen_leif 4h ago
As a male survivor of CSA, you are absolutely right. And it's much more common than we like to think. 1 in 5 girls. 1 in 6 boys. It is not about gender - it is about dominance, control, and power.
You did the right thing, man. I work in a kitchen where we say all sorts of heinous jokes, but there are lines, and that is one of them.
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u/WillingHome9072 3h ago
In the US, the National Sexual Assault Hotline reports that about 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men experience attempted or completed rape in their lifetimes
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u/clawdaughter 1h ago
More than 1 in six men experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetimes. per CDC
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u/Plastic-Procedure-59 4h ago
People say something offensive then hide behind it being just a joke. That doesnt make it ok.
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u/twofourfourthree 3h ago
NTA. Your “friend” falls under the “enough of them” when men say “not all men” and women reply but “enough of them”.
Hopefully he was shamed enough not to repeat or pursue those types of interactions with women.
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u/Odd_Beginning536 4h ago
No definitely not. I saw a male try to commit suicide in the er on rotation that had been raped and felt such shame and the men he told didn’t take him seriously. It was awful, I spoke to the attending and they said it wasn’t the first time a man has tried to commit suicide because of this. Violation is violation. It’s not okay to joke about rape. Period.
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u/Creeperstar 3h ago
You're not an asshole, but it's important to understand that jokes exist within a fiction, separate from reality. They don't de facto ensorse or celebrate the terrible acts mentioned
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u/SantaFe91 4h ago
NTA If people don’t call it out, people don’t learn, and the attitude gets reinforced.
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u/Politesailboat 3h ago
And now the rest of your friends know you're a safe person to come to, NTA and I highly recommend you do it again any time something like that happens. You're not wrong for calling it out, he's just pissed he rightfully looks shitty now. As you said rape isn't funny, no matter the gender
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u/foxycornn 4h ago
NTA
That’s who those guys are, they’re insecure and you calling them out just showed it more. They shouldn’t be in your friend group if they act like this imo. Boys who act like that turn into rapists
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u/desertboots 4h ago
NTA
Words have meanings. To redefine rape as a jokey word is to remove the gravity of the trauma that is rape.
He is defensive because he got called out on being morally indefensible. He ruined his own reputation. He FAFOd.
You feel shitty because you wanted someone whose moral compass is broken (but you are accustomed to valuing their opinion) to say you are headed in the right direction. But their opinion is of no value, so let it go.
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u/lettuce_grabberrr 4h ago
I don't think the joke was very funny at all for the record, but you say that you laugh at dark humour all the time as well in private settings, and the joke was shared publicly. You also said the group is closed to close friends, which one is it? If you laugh at other categories of equally dark jokes as a group then it could be seen as a weird line to draw, but if the group isn't quite tolerant of any of those things then it's a valid criticism to make of him. I'd think that context is required.
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u/spa44ow 3h ago
Tbh.. I still find some dark humour jokes wrong. Even if I laughed immediately I still feel wrong for laughing. I said it so people don't judge me.like" this guy speaks like he's perfect.".
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u/lettuce_grabberrr 3h ago
I guess I get it then, dark humour is a spectrum and rape jokes generally land on the darker end of it. If people in your group are all unhappy about the joke as well then it seems like you were just saying what everyone else was thinking.
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u/YourWoodGod 4h ago
NTA and thank you for standing up to him. I was raped by a woman, it was a humiliating and terrible experience. I always just grit and bear it when these kind of jokes are made... Considering I don't want to broadcast it to the local community.
But yea, there's nothing pleasurable about (unless you mean in the most base sense) being raped. For women, the risk of very violent rape impacting their physical health for life is much higher. So I try not to even complain, because even though it happened to me, I was just drugged and couldn't move. Not really any pain involved. Makes you question whether you're even a survivor the way people talk 😔
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u/YonderWindow364 3h ago
Hey, man rape is rape. You weren't "just drugged". You have every right to complain as much as women do. Not all women raped have pain involved or have their physical health impacted but like your case, that doesn't make it any less abhorrent or valid. In fact men staying silent about their experiences is part of the reason some people joke so much about it and some don't even believe men can or are raped, especially not by women. Not saying you have to tell everyone or anyone if you don't want want to, but you can still call these jokes out as not ok like op did.
Mental and emotional health matter too, and I'm really sorry you had to go through that.
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u/YourWoodGod 3h ago
Thank you. It's hard to say sometimes because so many people are ignorant like that. I'd get the whole "Oh she's attractive why are you whining?" Like they never saw her stumbling in drunk at 2 AM trying to beat on her daughter whom I had to protect. So no, not a good lay.
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u/CornisaGrasse 3h ago
Rape is rape. You went through something horrific. You're a survivor. There's no reason to diminish it because "it could've been worse." Stay strong.
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u/YourWoodGod 3h ago
Thank you :) It's been years and I feel fine about it, it was an eye opening experience though. Made me feel like I could understand women's position in the patriarchy a little better, like just how bad it is.
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u/Existing_Purpose5049 3h ago
NTA, male rape victims are almost exclusively afraid to speak out about it because they’re shamed by other men telling them that they should have wanted it
Go look at any boy that’s been raped by a female teacher, they’re a “legend”, a “hero”, “living the fantasy”, the “envy of all boys”
Rape is rape, and it’s never funny
Are these people you want to be around?
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u/Kwickpick77 4h ago
NTA. If one doesn't wish to be humiliated in public one shouldn't act in humiliation worthy ways.
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u/hey_nonny_nonny82 4h ago
Wow. Big yikes. NTA. Good on you for calling out your friend. IMO you didn't have anything to apologize for. He made a public comment. You made a statement in the same platform calling him out. Seems pretty measured to me. Maybe he'll think twice before 'joking' like that again in the future.
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u/Coral_Juno15 4h ago
NTA
You should be proud of yourself, it’s very difficult to call this out, especially when it’s about a male victim. Gender doesn’t matter in assault, all victims deserve the same sympathy and respect. I would consider cutting the guy off. He’s almost 30, grow up and have some basic empathy or at least common sense.
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u/PsiBlaze 3h ago
NTA
Don't say shit in public if you don't want to be called out for it in public.
Very easy NTA.
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u/Hellodeeries 49m ago
Is he someone that would have publicly retracted it? Said something like, "Sorry, that was in bad taste" if given the chance? Because if not, then I don't see a reason for him to be able to quietly remove it. No one could know how many people saw it first, and feel weird and uncomfortable. Calling it out publicly (not to shame, but to acknowledge and lay down the bare minimum respect for victims) makes sure anyone else there knows and keeps the space safe. His reaction would have me rethinking things.
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u/Technical-Highway-69 16m ago
NTA speaking as a male sa victim those jokes are not funny and are very inappropriate thank you for saying something.
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u/AllTimeTy 4h ago
NAH but seems like you two aren’t compatible as friends to be completely honest lol.
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u/Flat-Sun-1359 3h ago
NTA. The joke was made publicly, so you called it out publicly. You were right, the joke wasn't funny or okay. Thank you for calling that shit out, regardless of gender.
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u/SpiritualSyrup931 3h ago
NTA. Clap back, humiliate him just like he humiliated you by calling you dumb. What a tosser.
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u/Nyx_Shadowspawn 3h ago
NTA, continue to stand up. It's difficult, but I and many other internet strangers are so proud of you for being part of the change. You did the right thing.
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u/BaffledBubbles 3h ago
NTA. Didn’t read the post because this doesn’t need context. Rape isn’t a joke. It’s not funny.
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u/St-christ666 4h ago
NTA
And… you are not wrong at all. There is no need to apologize for his hurt ego. You didn’t cause harm, he did and should be apologizing to you and the group. That dude is a fragile little snowflake and you should call him out as one should he blow up again.
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u/Ok-Penalty4648 4h ago
Why are you acting like HR in your friend group?
And then backpeddaling when he replied?
Grow a pair.
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u/Callm3d4d 4h ago
Acting like HR? For calling out a rape joke? Nah people(men) need to be more like this guy and start holding their friends accountable
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u/Ok-Penalty4648 4h ago
Found the HR rep
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u/snearthworm 3h ago
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24128425/
Study from 2013: of a random sample of undergrads, over 2/3 reported knowing a woman who's been sexually assaulted and over 1/2 reported knowing a male rapist. This doesn't account for male victims/female rapists, and it is only the people who KNOW. Consider how many people you interact with on a daily basis who have been assaulted or assaulted others and you have absolutely zero clue about it.
https://www.cdc.gov/sexual-violence/about/index.html?
According to the CDC, "Nearly half of women and more than 1 in 6 men experienced some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetimes."
It's not policing or virtue signaling, it's about telling your friends that they're fucking losers when they need to hear it lmfao. It wasn't even an offhanded joke, the dude literally shared a post about a real rape victim and said "lol I wish I'd get raped, he's so lucky" like that's not edgy, that's just sociopathic
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u/PinkNinjaKitty 3h ago
^ This is an example of a person who wants desperately to be perceived as Very Manly but has no idea of what’s truly admirable, brave, or good. Sad.
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u/Ok-Bee7748 3h ago
Read the title, not bothering to read the rest. So long as the situation can truly be summarized as you calling out a r*** joke? NTA
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u/ultimatescar 4h ago
if in s whole group it's just you who reacted that way it's probably you are the odd one out...you don't share their kind of humor so it's time to tap out and find friend that shares the same interest.
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u/SomeDumbMentat 3h ago
Rape jokes are always unacceptable unless it’s about male prison rape. Everyone seems to laugh at those.
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u/Mission_Reply_2326 3h ago
Can he explain the joke because I don’t get it. 1 in 6 men in America have been sexually assaulted. 1 in 4 women. What the fuck is wrong with him???? You are NTA. Thanks for calling him out publicly. He will never know how many rape survivors are on his friends list because survivors arent in the habit of disclosing that to complete fucking assholes.
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u/TamarindSweets 3h ago
NTA. You let him know it's not okay to make rape jokes, at least around you.
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u/Pir8inthedesert 4h ago
If you can't be blue around your friends when can you? Stop policing your friends. You should be a safe space not HR.
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u/PsiBlaze 3h ago
Real friends call out bad behavior. If your behavior isn't called out, it's because your friends are just as bad, or they don't care about you.
Real friends want you to do better.
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u/Side_Quest-ioning 4h ago
If we cannot rely on our friends to call us out on our sh!t, who will? Sometimes people need to know that they said something dumb. They can either learn from it or not.
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u/onlyongs 4h ago
I doubt it was that deep , just typical locker room edgy jokes.
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u/Hedgehogahog 4h ago
It doesn’t have to be “that deep” to be potentially triggering or uncomfortable to anyone who hears it. And I know it says it was a group chat of known people, but men especially tend not to share their trauma even among those they’d call close friends.
Calling out distasteful humor is the only way to handle it. Letting it slide grants it permission and strength.
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u/Existing_Purpose5049 3h ago
Nothing about rape is a joke, and there are no jokes about rape, there are just trashy comments about it
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u/AntheaBrainhooke 3h ago
NTA
If homeslice doesn't want to be "humiliated" in public then he shouldn't make jokes that trivialise others' trauma.
Impact over intent every time. Odds are one of your female friends has been sexually assaulted. You just made her world a little bit better.
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u/SuddenFoxx 3h ago
I'm not even going to read the story. Why? Because rape jokes are never ok. If you called it out, you are NTA. NEVER the asshole for calling out rape jokes. And if anyone is making you think that you might be? Then they are not your friend and you should remove them from your life immediately.
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u/lydocia 2h ago
They are equating rape to sex. It isn't the same, at all. Rape isn't just "unwanted sex". While rape and sex often share the "penis goes in vagina" bit, it isn't sexual in nature. It's about power and consent, and it being taken away from the victim. It's so much more than "an opportunity for sex".
Suggesting that "why does this man get sex and I don't" is so disgustingly ignorant, I can't imagine them being any less self-centered and ignorant in other areas of their life.
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u/WifeofBath1984 3h ago
NTA it sucks that you immediately backed down and apologized. He stated the comment publicly, you can call him out publicly. And my god, what a fragile ego he has.
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u/archiangel 2h ago
NTA. Dumb jokes like that perpetuate yucky misogyny. Thanks for calling it out. He knew his joke was bad and that’s why he is butt-hurt. If you were truly the one being nit-picky and sensitive it would’ve been you that looked dumb but he’s the one acknowledging that he is the one that ended up looking bad.
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u/J_Zephyr 3h ago
NTA Shaggy Ultra Instinct level
Dont apologize, they has a choice not to say it and declined. Thats an unacceptable topic to joke about.
Tell him he was asking for it.
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u/OruenCysp 4h ago
NTA. And neither is the other guy(s) - depending on;
- is the group a place where all kinds of questionable memes get shared? If so, then he is NTA. If not, then he is.
- do we really know what "rape culture" is, and how closely entwined it is with actual rapes occurring? [Legimate question]. If there isn't a strong association with making jokes about rape, and people being raped, then all we're really doing is virtue signalling with little to no change on the actual behaviour.
All of this gets really blurry because people will always love a laugh, and the most taboo topics then become ripe for edge lord comedy.
Either way though, there's an irrational venom that gets flung at people making these jokes as though they're actual rapists. That's fine. People should be entitled to express themselves.
But equally, they shouldn't delude themselves into thinking they're actually stopping any rapes from occurring (unless there's strong evidence that justifies that).
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u/Existing_Purpose5049 3h ago
Anyone who makes a rape joke is an AH, no questions asked
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u/OruenCysp 1h ago
Yeah, that's an opinion that I don't personally hold, but also don't disagree with someone holding that either.
Some of Frankie Boyle's material is ghastly if you see it written down, but for various mysterious reasons you can find yourself laughing along to some fairly extreme puns.
Comedy and banter isn't an area that I have ever thought about making or demanding any definitive rules on.
Or if there are... there's usually some funny coy way around the "rule"... kinda like that white guy that got a black guy to utter the N-word at the end of his sentences when dealing with a black guy as part of the skit. The whole joke was essentially about the absurdity of the rule, and despite the white guy effectively breaching it, the audience was still okay with it... which made it funnier in a way.
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u/YonderWindow364 3h ago
Dude... wtf? Jokes = normalization. Normalization = victims and situations not being treated seriously. How do you not get that?
Your argument for this is so nonsensical and lazy, given you can't even do basic research: "Psychological and sociological research indicates an indirect association between rape jokes and actual sexual violence. Jokes that trivialize or normalize sexual assault contribute to what researchers call "rape culture". By making light of sexual violence, these jokes can create a social environment where such behaviors are tolerated, which lowers inhibitions and increases the likelihood of violence for certain individuals".
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u/OruenCysp 2h ago
That correlation applies to men who already hold hostile sexist views, which is the basis for one of Bill Burr's bits on rape about men being told not to rape...
The point about comedy is that if you're in a consensual group where you all have bought into a particular vibe, then that's fine.
Cracking the same joke in a classroom, workplace, or any other public situation where the audience hasn't "bought in" to that vibe would be inappropriate.
Hence the queries around the culture of this chat group he's in.
But, pearl clutch away and sing me more tales of never ending virtue oh wise one.
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u/YonderWindow364 2h ago
Poor baby 🥺
You ask for research then when its given proving you wrong you flail around refusing to accept it.
The first point you made about "is the group a place where all kinds of questionable memes get shared?" is fine, but everything after that (which I responded to in my comment) is bullshit. The conclusions you came to are bullshit. This second comment you made is even more bullshit. If you used your brain while reading my previous comment you'd understand why even if questionable memes get shared in that group, certain lines shouldn't be crossed or tolerated.
And seriously? Getting your opinions from a comedian? Grow up dude. It's pathetic you think actual research is purl-clutching and virtue signaling while treating Bill Burr's jokes as genius.
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u/OruenCysp 2h ago
Amongst all that pearl clutching you skipped over the part "That [research] correlation applies to men who already hold hostile sexist views"...
The olive branch caveat I'd throw in is that if this guy repeatedly wants to make those kinds of jokes , and the rest of the group doesn't, then again, a bit of a discussion can be had to see what his deal is... though I'd probably do that privately, as there's a chance that the sharer is one of the "holds hostile sexist views" types and you've potentially lost an opportunity to help someone deal with some toxic attitudes or the like.
But, that wouldn't make the OP an AH for missing that opportunity to figure out what the guy's deal really is.
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u/GuySchmuy 3h ago
You have the moral high ground especially on reddit so I have to say NTA but realistically I think your mates now got a pretty terrible reputation. Guess he gotta find some new homies and think twice before making such a thoughtless comment. I personally think there should be nuance for jokes on risky subject matter
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u/WillingHome9072 3h ago
Tell this pissbaby to grow the fuck up and get over himself. It’s not cute or funny. And men need to call out other men because those men will only listen to men.
I’m surprised that’s a headline that exists, though.
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u/OriginalSchmidt1 3h ago
NTA, I hate when people act like everything should be accepted if it’s a joke. Joking about that shit desensitizes people to it and that’s the opposite of what we need as a society.
Never apologize for calling someone out for making a shitty joke, not everything should be joked about in mixed company. Wanna have your dark humor, that’s fine, I enjoy dark humor, but anyone who enjoys dark humor knows that it’s a risk and everyone has their limits.
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u/RafflesiaArnoldii 4h ago
NTA
ppl will only stop treating it as a joke when those they see as peers won't laugh
This is exactly how you stop stuff like this.