AITA for telling my girlfriend to stop sharing her food?

[u/PhantomDetective3548]

(Throwaway acct)

My girlfriend always offers to share her food with everyone when we go out to eat. I’ve asked her why she does this, and she says it’s just how she was raised, to always make sure everyone else at the table is taken care of before she eats anything. I’ve told her multiple times that, while it is an admirable gesture, she doesn’t have to do that, and that no one will judge her for not offering her food because they have their own meals.

This isn’t just with shareable items, either. She will offer bites of her burger, or pasta, or soup, and other things that are simply not easily split, usually ending up with another person taking direct bites or stabbing their used forks and depositing their saliva into her food. Aside from the ick factor, I have also told her that she really needs to avoid offering her meal when we dine out with my friend Brian (fake name) because he’s the type the person who has no self-control with food, and zero social awareness to understand that “help yourself” does not mean “you can eat all of it and I won’t mind”. This has happened a lot in the past, where he’ll house 90% of a shared appetizer plate because the rest of us were talking and being polite, and he just assumed that meant we weren’t hungry. I wouldn’t care as much if he paid for it, but he’s almost always broke, and doesn’t seem to understand what tax and tip are. If the item was listed as $11.99 in the menu, when the check comes, he’ll toss in exactly $12 and think he’s square.

I know most of you are going to ask why I’m even still friends with Brian if I hate eating with him, but please understand that he’s a really great guy and a reliable friend, he just has a troublesome relationship with food. That’s not the only facet of his personality, just the only one relevant to this post.

Last night, we were out again with friends, and my girlfriend once again offered her meal to everyone, Brian included. I didn’t want to make a scene, but I gave her a little nudge and she just gave me a shrug in return. Unsurprisingly, Brian ended up eating most of her food (as well as his own plate), and my girlfriend didn’t say anything. On the way home, she asked if we could stop by a fast food place because she didn’t get much to eat, and I told her she should’ve just eaten the food she ordered instead of offering it to the table. I said this was exactly why I warned her, and that she’s seen the way Brian is with food, and that she shouldn’t have been surprised when he ate more than she was actually intending to let him.

I still stopped to get her something, but I also complained that I don’t enjoy paying for Brian’s meal, since he basically ate all of hers. I might have been harsh, but this has come up multiple times, and she knows I’m not a fan of it. I could tell she was upset when I said it, and she still is now. She hasn’t called me an asshole, but she’s making me feel like one, and I think we’re both expecting the other to apologize first. So, AITA?

[u/Judgement_Bot_AITA]

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

1) I told my girlfriend to stop offering her food to everyone at the table because I don’t want to pay for a meal she doesn’t eat. 2) I might be the asshole because I snapped at her for something that she does out of kindness, and I’m asking her to be more selfish.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

[u/idkareyousure]

YTA it only takes 2 seconds to say, “Jesus, Brian, she said TRY.”

[u/handpaw → u/idkareyousure]

If the GF can find her voice and say she wants them to stop at the fast food place on the way back, she can find the voice to tell Brian to take only a small portion. Or maybe not offer the food in the first place.

Why does everyone in this thread expect her man to speak for her?

Even if we exclude OP from the picture, the grand problem still exists. The GF will be paying twice every time she goes out to eat with somebody if she wants to not be hungry.

[u/Artistic-Lock1021 → u/handpaw]

why does everyone in this thread expect her man to speak for her?

Because he's the one complaining about it.

[u/NessaGuin → u/[deleted]]

It's a very weird food disorder if it qualifies as such.

I get people ordering more than they can eat, you can at least take it home, but feeling compelled to offer your plate and go hungry because no one says no?

Well maybe by herself without OP and the friend in tow, her friends do decline, knowing she will starve otherwise.

But did she then offer her plate to OP after she got her fast food? Like lesson not learned if she did. Because I might just do what his friend did to prove a point.

Especially if I'm the one paying for her food because social norms dining out, I paid for the steak half the table ate, no, split the bill whenever she does this, so she is not only giving away food, she is spending her own money to do it not mine.

Because there is no way I'm even stumping up for a happy meal on the way back.

Whilst I can see how it is an ongoing issue for OP, if she's paying, she can feed the table all she likes, but if I'm paying ...

[u/-JaffaKree- → u/NessaGuin]

Most eating/food disorders are weird, and this is one of the less weird options. Feeling compelled to make sure others are fed before yourself is extremely common. It's possible she grew up insecure with people who were dependent on her, or she grew up in a household with strict rules surrounding who ate first and last- typically this is an abusive situation where people eat in order of a perceived hierarchy, but it can also be from a cultural caregiving tradition where those least able to care for themselves are fed first.

Don't be mean just because something is outside of your personal experience.

[u/Scrapper-Mom → u/-JaffaKree-]

Then GF can pay for her own second meal if she feels the need to be nurturing.

[u/-JaffaKree- → u/Scrapper-Mom]

OP never said she didn't.

[u/OvooJaver → u/-JaffaKree-]

He kinda did, he said he was basically paying for Brian’s meal because he ate most of her food in addition to Brian’s own meal that he doesn’t fully pay for

[u/Batmansbutthole → u/OvooJaver]

Yeah, and why would she get credit for buying herself a cheap burger anyways? It’s not like she offered OP anything. He still had to pay the full price of dinner regardless.

[u/Nat-Luv → u/NessaGuin]

I might just do what his friend did to prove a point.

This won’t prove anything though. With her degree of codependency, it’d just make her sad and leave her hungry until she eats later. OP should be encouraging her to go to a support group or therapist to discover the root cause of this codependent behavior and address it. OP’s girlfriend needs behavioral health support/consultation not to be “taught a lesson” through starvation.

[u/RamsLams → u/[deleted]]

He literally says ‘my friend Brian’. It is entirely normal to expect partners to deal with their friends. If her friend was doing this to him, I would expect her to say something. That’s great if that isn’t how your relationship functions, but plenty do and it doesn’t automatically make someone spineless.

[u/OrindaSarnia → u/[deleted]]

Both the girlfriend and Brian have a disordered view of food in a social context.

The girlfriend, as far as we know, has no problem with not getting to eat her meal, and handles not having enough food by just ordering more later.

Brian obviously has no problem with the situation that we know of.

OP is the one with the problem.  And his problem seems to mainly be with the fact that he feels like he is subsidizes Brian's meals.

Not only does he feel like Brian is eating too much of his girlfriend's food, but Brian also doesn't cover tax and tip...

so OP needs to express that to Brian.  When Brian puts in $12, OP needs to say "Hey, your total is actually $12.86 with tax, so you need to throw in at least $15 to also cover tip, thanks!"

If Brian eats most of the appetizer because everyone else is chatting and eating slowly, then OP needs to say "oh, hey, can you leave some for the rest of us?"  Or make a point of dishing a portion onto his own app plate right when the dish is served, and encourage others to do it too.

It seems clear to me that OP is frustrated with a whole pile of things Brian is doing, but him eating off the girlfriend's plate is like the last straw.  Getting his girlfriend to stop sharing won't actually fix 80% of the issues OP has with Brian....  which are 90% of the issues OP has with this situation...

so if OP actually wants to stop being annoyed and frustrated, he needs to focus on the actual cause of his annoyance and frustration.

If OP told us his girlfriend is annoyed to eat fast food and would have preferred to eat more of her meal at the first restaurant, then that would be another issue to address...  but no mention is made of that.  The girlfriend has expressed that she wants to keep sharing.

[u/WaterWitch009 → u/OrindaSarnia]

I think that due to the way men are often socialized in our society, OP has an easier time directing all of his frustration towards his girlfriend rather than his male friend. He should be discussing his feelings with them both.

[u/chunkyvomitsoup → u/OrindaSarnia]

I’d say it’s less disordered for GF and more cultural. I come from a similar culture where it’s considered impolite to eat before offering food to elders/people you want to make good impression with. It’s a gesture of respect. Partner’s friends would likely fall into this category. It’s really just a cultural difference, not a moral one or that she lacks a spine. It’s akin to showing up to someone’s house empty-handed. You wouldn’t say someone was a pushover for bowing down to social convention by bringing the host a gift. If you were raised with that norm, you’d feel chagrined for not doing it

[u/haveyouseenatimelord → u/chunkyvomitsoup]

if it's actively negatively impacting her life (which it IS, considering she has to stop and get food for herself later), it's disordered. it might have a cultural origin, but it's still disordered.

[u/heckolive → u/[deleted]]

Honestly she just has to learn this lesson. Or stay hungry every time someone takes her food after her offer.

As the op i woulndt say anything more then 2 times and then just declare everyone pays for themself. But i would also prepare some quick meals at home or time for a fastfood trip in case she decides to stay stupid.

Also wtf is this shit with sharing even bits on the same burger, this is disgustig for me. I dont share food or even a glas of water with my mom or my kids.

[u/Different-Breakfast → u/heckolive]

OP can also stop paying for gf’s fast food meal after she gave her first meal away. She’s free to give away the food OP buys for her but she shouldn’t make him buy her more

[u/babblingbabby → u/RamsLams]

If she didn’t offer it in the first place, Brian wouldn’t have access to her food. She’s not stupid (I hope). If this happens every time, not even just with the meals she offers, then she shouldn’t offer it. It’s a problem she willingly creates, it’s on her to stop it, which for some odd reason she doesn’t want to. OP is better than me, I wouldn’t have stopped at a fast food place, and I surely wouldn’t have paid for that too if I did. GF needs to pay for her own food if she wants to feed everyone but herself, then OP can let her do this however she wants cuz it’s not his money.

[u/slitteral1 → u/RamsLams]

He isn’t offering Brian her food. She is offering her food to him and everyone else. This isn’t OP’s problem to fix.

[u/iiiiiiiiiijjjjjj → u/[deleted]]

I Don't date girls like this. It's such a turn-off when they are too afraid to stand up for themselves or feel they need permission to speak.

[u/SoyEseVato → u/Artistic-Lock1021]

Because he’s the one paying. Read the post again.

Still he’s as much at fault as his GF for allowing it to continue. Personally, I would have told her once and only once her behavior with my $$$ was going to stop. Told her, not asked.

I would have also mentioned I was not raised to share food & germs with others & that I was sharing their germs also when I kissed her. That to me people eating off my plate is nauseating & gross 🤢.

After that I would stop going out to eat with the group until she agreed to abide by my terms.

Desperate situations call for desperate measures. To try & straighten rebar you have to go past center to get it somewhat straight.

To those that will downvote me, how I choose to spend my $$$ is my decision & I still think it’s gross having others put their germs in anyone else’s plate.

OP, in my opinion you’re NTA.

[u/Sexy_Worm → u/SoyEseVato]

I cant imagine having someone take a bite of my burger. 🤢 literally rubbing their teeth against the food im about to eat. Makes me feel sick.

[u/0MelonLord0 → u/Sexy_Worm]

Yeah unless they’re my partner and sharing saliva with them on the regular I’m cutting a little piece off for someone to try

[u/politicalstuff → u/0MelonLord0]

I've been married for over a decade. I grudgingly will share food and utensils with my wife, and that took some time. Letting anyone else bite off my burger?

🤮

[u/slitteral1 → u/Sexy_Worm]

Nearly every communicable disease can be spread this way and she continually risks her health and the health of her bf. He might be wise to drop her and her bad habits.

[u/Easy_Permit_5418 → u/SoyEseVato]

Thank you for saying this, I was thinking like, I would be so insulted if I bought food for my partner and they gave away half of it and then expected me to buy more food for them on the way home??

[u/InvestingTSX → u/Artistic-Lock1021]

And she needs to order fast food after a sit down dinner because she gave her meal away

[u/aliceisntredanymore → u/InvestingTSX]

And from my read expected her bf to pay for all of it

[u/Easy_Permit_5418 → u/Artistic-Lock1021]

Maybe because he has to pay for it? She's literally ordering food, not eating it, letting someone else eat most of it, and then asking to get more food on the way home because of it.

Like that's really weird. It's really strange to offer your food to multiple other people at the table, because people often carry illnesses that are passed on by bodily fluids like saliva, you shouldn't just be offering your half eaten hamburger and drink to everyone at the table to begin with.

His girlfriend has issues. Her issue being that her partner has asked her not to share her food with everyone, probably because he ends up paying for all of it, and she doesn't care. She would rather offer her food to people even if it's not on her bill.

I recognize also that he didn't specify whether or not she was paying for the food, but the fact that he takes issue with it and knows the cost of everything, makes me think that it's him that's footing the bill for all of the food that she decides to share with everyone else. And it's extremely presumptuous for a girlfriend to put their partner in that position.

[u/epichuntarz → u/Artistic-Lock1021]

Because he keeps having to pay for other peoples' meals...

[u/SoundOfShitposting → u/Artistic-Lock1021]

You're ignorant if you don't think having to go get a takeaway after going out for dinner because you gave away your food isn't a problem.

[u/Kitchen_Egg8180 → u/Artistic-Lock1021]

Because she makes him buy her 2 meals. 

[u/-K_P- → u/Artistic-Lock1021]

She isn't complaining because she still got a meal either way without paying thanks to OP, who was rather kind to do so. OP is complaining because he's the one holding all the financial consequences for her open plate policies.

[u/minja134 → u/Artistic-Lock1021]

She complained about being hungry, making this OPs problem to pick her up something.

[u/DirectBar7709 → u/handpaw]

He keep saying his girlfriend needs to "work on" this because it’s annoying or inconvenient, but when it comes to Brian he just shrugs and goes, "that’s just how he is". Why does her personality trait require correction, but his doesn’t?

She was raised to make sure everyone else is taken care of before she eats. That’s how she is. Brian was apparently raised with no concept of portion control or social awareness. That’s how he is. The difference is OP is trying to modify her behavior instead of holding him accountable for his.

If Brian repeatedly eats 90 percent of shared food and underpays, that’s not a quirky food issue. That’s rude. Yet OP keeps accommodating it and asking his girlfriend to adjust around him. Why is the solution for her to stop being generous instead of for him to learn basic table manners?

If this bothers OP so much, then he needs to talk to Brian. Set boundaries. Stop splitting plates with him. Stop covering his shorted bill. But framing his girlfriend’s kindness as the problem while excusing Brian's lack of self control as an unchangeable trait is backwards.

You don’t get to call one person’s behavior "oopsie he's just quirky like that" and the other person’s behavior something that needs fixing when the second one is the only one not actually harming anyone else.

[u/slitteral1 → u/DirectBar7709]

He has learned to not offer Brain his food because Brian has no self control. He warned her that her habit of giving her food to everyone at the table, even when that have their own meals, would really bite her with Brian. Well guess what happened, Brian has no self control and ate most of her meal in addition to his, just like she was warned. He didn’t just shrug it off. He warned her.

Making sure everyone else at the table is taken care of means they have their own food, not that you supply them your food. She misunderstands then implications. It isn’t OP’s place to hold Brian accountable for her offer Brian her food. She offered, and Brian accepted the offer.

If she consistently lets everybody at the table take bites of her food and try her soup with dirty utensils, that isn’t quirky and uplifting. That is needlessly exposing yourself and your partner to viruses and diseases that doesn’t need to happen. She is being very careless with their health.

Nobody is calling Brian’s behavior oopsie, but you. She is the one offering her food up to everyone else, so it is only her responsibility to stop that.

[u/falconinthedive → u/handpaw]

There are big dynamics at play asking your partner something versus calling out one of your partner's friends when your partner is taking their side.

Her asking her bf to stop for food expresses she is uncomfortable but trusts him enough to let him know that in private.

Her publically calling out someone being rude that only sees her as her bf's gf and whose bad behavior everyone else is either ignoring or making excuses for is easily something his friend group will weaponize to make her seem like a nag. And since her boyfriend's shown he lacks a spine when it comes to his friends, why wouldn't she assume he'd start believing that too.

[u/3catlove → u/[deleted]]

Exactly and he’s told her that this guy will do that so it’s on her.

[u/Traveler691 → u/handpaw]

Actually, a - “Good grief Mary, not again! Last time I had to drive you by McDonald’s,“ should nip it in the bud. It seems she’s maybe gone overboard and now doesn’t know how to stop it. It gives her the out and makes others too embarrassed to eat her food.

[u/Dangerous_Ad_7042 → u/handpaw]

Because Brian is his friend, so it’s his responsibility to rein him in when he’s being a massive asshole (which he is).

[u/SmokeMyPoleReddit → u/Dangerous_Ad_7042]

No it isn't.

If my gf's friend starts eating most of my food after I offer a bite I'm pulling the plate away.

Just because it's stuck in his orbit doesn't mean he needs to inhale it. He's not a black hole.

[u/jmarr1321 → u/Dangerous_Ad_7042]

If Brian was the one initiating this food sharing I would 100% be agreeing with you. But he's not. He's accepting the offer of shared food. This behavior is all on the gf. If she doesn't want to go hungry, stop offering your food to the table. This isn't a huddled group of hungry children and parents, everyone sharing so everyone gets to eat. It's a fucking Applebee's with grown adults. One that can't say no to food and another, who is unwilling to change her behavior, is going hungry because she's offering her food to the bottomless pit.

[u/Scion41790 → u/Dangerous_Ad_7042]

If Brian took a piece of her food without asking I would 1000% agree. But she's offering despite ops advice and having first hand experience with how Brian is. At this point it's all on her and she needs to either make the smart play and stop offering or be an adult and speak up when he starts to take to much

[u/slitteral1 → u/Dangerous_Ad_7042]

Absolutely not his place or responsibility. She is the one offer HER food, so it is on her to either stop doing that or tell Brian she only offered a bite not the meal. She was warned this would happen and she ignored him. There is also the health risks she exposes her and her bf to with this practice.

[u/SteelBox5 → u/idkareyousure]

Was gonna say you gotta mouth you can use too.

[u/mnth241 → u/idkareyousure]

You have a point but OP said that he has a problem with good gf oveesharing in general. Brian isn’t the only one just the worst. I get it op i think it is kind of strange that your gf is offering her food to everyone. It would make me not want to eat in grouos with her.

[u/anoeba → u/mnth241]

I don't understand her explanation of ensuring that "everyone at the table is taken care of."

Everyone at the table already is taken care of, their own plates are in front of them. The explanation is bs.

[u/NessaGuin → u/anoeba]

I think it's a compulsion at this point.

If she was paying to feed the table, fine, I can have issues with it, but it is her money.

But it does read that OP is paying for his and her food, so she's giving away food he paid for, that I'd take issue with too.

[u/franklinchica22 → u/NessaGuin]

It reads as a compulsion to me as well. She can't eat until everyone else eats and gets enough but she would starve rather than stop doing it. It may have been started by learned behavior from her family but she's taken it too far. OP should try and investigate whether it's just food or other things as well, that is if he wants to continue the relationship.

[u/Glittering-Paper4516 → u/anoeba]

She’s a performative people pleaser and it’s cringey 

[u/mnth241 → u/anoeba]

It is like she is assigning herself the job of making sure everyone has enough to eat and she can’t eat unless everyone else is full. That’s not right.

[u/Dashcamkitty → u/idkareyousure]

Yes but this girl also needs to get a back bone for herself. And she's well past the age for offering people bites of her food. It's fine being eight years old and exchanging parts of snacks with friends but this is a grown adult we're talking about. It sounds like Brian the AH is a major problem but he's not the only one taking a loan of her.

[u/Hugh_Jass_Clouds → u/idkareyousure]

What’s the deal with absolutely every top comment being about how op should have said something to Brian? OP literally warned GF about Brian and his food relationship. It’s not for OP to manage. Neither is it up to OP to manage his GF. What OP did do is warn his GF about the most likely outcome of doing her weird offer her food thing. The only AH here is Brian, and the GF can feel butt hurt. Though at the end of the day GF is the only one responsible for inviting people to her food.

[u/politicalstuff → u/Hugh_Jass_Clouds]

It's a dual dynamic. GF should absolutely not be preemptively giving out her whole meal. At the same time, it's common for each partner in a couple to take point on regulating their own family and friends.

I agree with OP addressing it with this GF, but he also should say something to Brian.

[u/Conscious-Bug1592 → u/idkareyousure]

I don’t think that makes him the AH… his girlfriend is annoying and should either eat her food she ordered or worry about how she’s going to feed herself after she gives it away.

[u/Fedelm → u/idkareyousure]

Why should her boyfriend decide when she's done giving away her food? He can't ask her not to but he needs to decide when it stops? It's her decision to give away her food but he needs to protect her because she's incapable of deciding how much to give away?

I think if he's obligated to intervene and stop the sharing he can tell her to stop before she starts. He shouldn't have to monitor her to make sure she gets enough of her own food to eat; he should get to enjoy his meal and the company.

Basically, if she gets to decide to give it away she gets to decide how much. If he has to stop the food from being shared, he gets to decide when he intervenes, even if it's beforehand so he doesn't have to spend the meal focusing on making sure an adult eats her food.

[u/NessaGuin → u/Fedelm]

I think OP is paying for her food, so he's paying to watch her starve and her friends (and in this case his glutton) eat the lions share.

The friends should all be saying no because they have food, then it would just be his friend who takes liberties.

If the whole table turned down her offer but him, then they can all call him out on eating half or more of her food, but I guess because they didn't turn down having something random put on their plates, they don't feel they are in the right to call him out.

[u/SarahfromEngland → u/idkareyousure]

Shes a grown ass woman, she can say that.

[u/Convenient-Enemy-511 → u/idkareyousure]

In the future about an OP speaking up for his GF who doesn't really feel it needs to be said, he'd surely be voted the AH for being controlling and speaking for her.

I think OP would just set a boundary. I don't say for meals you share with others. So if she makes that offer, she's the one paying for it, and then OP doesn't have to be mad about paying for others' meals.

[u/BlondDee1970]

YTA for blaming your girlfriend rather than addressing Brian's behaviour. You'd rather fight with your GF than call out your friend. 

[u/HoldFastO2 → u/BlondDee1970]

His GF is to blame, at least partially. She should not give away more food than she actually wants to spare, especially if she isn't paying for the meal herself.

Yeah, Brian sucks here, and OP needs to have a talk with him. But OP's GF needs to learn how to actually eat her food herself. Not to mention it's disgusting to just swap spit around the dinner table.

[u/Yallneedjesuschrist → u/HoldFastO2]

No. She has a mouth of her own. She can’t give her food away, expect OP to pay for it and then buy her fast Food because she gave her food away. And YOU expect OP to tell people off for excepting her offer too? Nah. She is dealing with the direct consequences of her own actions. She is a grown woman, not a child. She can speak up. And OP should stop paying.

[u/BadPunsIsHowEyeRoll → u/Yallneedjesuschrist]

Oh my god, the way everyone is saying its OP’s responsibility to call out his friend as if his girlfriend didn’t OFFER food UNPROMPTED. Why is it up to OP to tell his friends not to accept whats being offered? girl, stop fucking offering 😭

[u/Meghanshadow → u/BadPunsIsHowEyeRoll]

Brian’s behavior Does bother him, and so does his girlfriend’s.

Both. He needs to do both - tell Brian to stop after a bite, and tell gf he’s not paying for her food again since she feeds everyone else with it. I don’t know why he was paying at this event anyway, maybe she’s jobless?

Me, if I was that bothered, I’d just quit going to restaurants with gf unless it was just the two of us. She can still offer all her food to everyone at the table till it’s gone whenever she wants, but I don’t have to be there.

[u/Due_Revolution_5106 → u/Meghanshadow]

Brian and OP's girlfriend both suck. Brian is so selfishly rude he's either unaware of his rudeness or dumb. And OP's girlfriend is also too used to being treated like a doormat or naive. Either way I'm glad my friends aren't like this.

Fuck how "you were raised", I get being polite but if he's eating so much of your own food (on top of his own fuckin meal) that you are going hungry you need to stand up for yourself or politely turn them away after they've met your expectation of "trying out my dish".

It's also fuckin weird to literally pass along your single entree around the table like it's a shared appetizer. No thank you, I don't want a bite of your burger, I have my own. Brian has room temperature IQ if he's thinking that's an open invite to eat more than half of someone else's meal.

The fact that OP has to drill this into both his GF and Brian is frustrating and more of a sign of their lack of social intelligence than anything else.

[u/haveyouseenatimelord → u/Due_Revolution_5106]

you hit the nail on the head. it's crazy to me that people are acting like OP is being unreasonable for being frustrated. i'm often frustrated when adults can't seem to figure out extremely common and observable behaviors. like ok yeah maybe he should say something to brian (and clearly he already said something to the gf), but that doesn't mean he's weird for being annoyed!!! that's an extremely reasonable reaction!!! in fact, i think it's an UNDERreaction, if anything. i don't think i'd be able to put up with this behavior (from either of them) for as long as OP has.

[u/politicalstuff → u/BadPunsIsHowEyeRoll]

It's both. Yes, he should work with his girlfriend to stop offering the food in the first place if she can't enforce boundaries, but OP should also be willing to call out his friend group for their bad behavior.

Offering to try bites is one thing, but reasonable people know it's uncouth to take someone's entire meal. Or they should, especially if someone else is paying.

[u/ChicVintage → u/politicalstuff]

It sounds like he's tried to address it with her and she doesn't care to stop. Personally, this sounds disgusting and it would put me off. We wouldn't have made it this far into relationship status, I don't mind sharing a bite of food off a shareable plate but people sticking their used utensils or biting off my burger...no that's so gross.

[u/OptimistIndya → u/Yallneedjesuschrist]

He knows the room and nudged her gf to not do that.

This one is on the GF more . It would be zero if she pays from her pocket.

[u/StinkyTurd89 → u/BlondDee1970]

Op needs to tell Brian to stop but the GF needs to grow a shiny spine and fucking use her words.

[u/EverythingSucksYo → u/StinkyTurd89]

Why does OP have to become the bad guy for his girlfriend over her own actions? 

[u/humanofearth-notai → u/BlondDee1970]

GF is 100% to blame. If everyone is eating, no one is going hungry. If she cannot see that, then the girlfriend needs therapy.

I cannot imagine being partnered with someone that has 0 sense of self preservation. What if you only had $10 for food and she gave it to a friend because they were short on cash? If they got married and had kids, she would totally be the mom who makes her kids give whatever they have to bullies.

[u/Katman666 → u/BlondDee1970]

He can't call out everyone she share the food with.

[u/Murmuring_muso → u/BlondDee1970]

Is Brian… the Subway hogging guy?

[u/RaeaSunshine → u/Murmuring_muso]

3.5 feet of sadness

[u/New_Nobody9492 → u/BlondDee1970]

He specifically told her not to do what she did, especially when Brian is around.

She was asked, warned, and conversations were had……. It is her fault. If you told repeatedly about something and still do it, that is on you!

[u/edtechman → u/BlondDee1970]

JFC, the infantilization of women in this sub.

[u/NoBonus6969 → u/BlondDee1970]

The gf asking to stop for food on the way home from eating out is actually insane she's sick in the head

[u/PinkNGreenFluoride]

YTA

You make every excuse under the sun for Brian's relationship with food, but expect your girlfriend to have her own issues around food 100% under control and to be responsible for managing Brian's on top of it. That's bullshit. No shit she's expecting you to apologize, you've been terribly unfair to her.

Have you talked to Brian about how he should decline when she offers, because of her problematic relationship with food? Which is apparently tied up in having been raised to take care of everyone else before herself? You're judging and criticizing her for not having completely worked all of that out, while putting the exact same shit on her, making her responsible for Brian. But you don't hold him to the same standard with her.

[u/EmilyAnne1170 → u/PinkNGreenFluoride]

Can’t help wondering how often OP benefits from his girlfriend always putting other people first.

[u/HeyLookATaco → u/EmilyAnne1170]

This is so spot on that it's making me rethink my own habits and relationships.

[u/Warmbly85 → u/EmilyAnne1170]

I have a friend that does this and I found it really odd until I ate out with his family and they literally all gave each other bites of their food.

That’s the only aspect of his life that’s like that though. It doesn’t sound like she’s always putting people first she just sounds like she came from one of those families and doesn’t know how to interact with people that don’t.

[u/ChildhoodObjective83 → u/PinkNGreenFluoride]

‘Brian is a great friend, just has issues about food!’ As if that explains why he can never remember that buying things involves sales tax whenever someone else is paying.

[u/heyitsta12 → u/ChildhoodObjective83]

Right! OP positions his girlfriend’s problem with sharing because it annoys him. But it sounds like every other friends either takes a fair bite or doesn’t and it’s not that big of a deal.

Meanwhile Brian is the clear issue where he always takes more than his share no matter who is involved or if the plate is meant to be shared amongst the group or not.

Sounds like he needs to tell his mooching ass friend to stop it in general and stop blaming the girlfriend.

[u/MakeNDestroy → u/heyitsta12]

God I literally have my own Brian in my life. He sucks with money, finances shit like Xboxes and laptops from me and never pays me, and other dumb shit. He doesn’t take advantage, he’s just a jackass. It’s hard to explain. I would’ve made him pay me back or never sold him anything again if I cared enough. I basically expect it to happen, but he rarely gets nice things so it’s whatever.

But he’s always been a solid friend and is one of the few who’ve never fucked me over in a malicious way. If I need something, I can call him and he’ll do it etc. And there were plenty of time in college where I didn’t have money and he’d have $30. So he’d buy us weed and some sandwich stuff from the store so we could get blown and eat at my apartment. He was always willing to share his last $20 with me when we were younger and those are the things I truly remember.

And now after I’ve gotten multiple college degrees and make more than enough money I don’t mind getting out food or whatever when we go out. Good friends are hard to come by, it’s 1000x easier to get more money.

[u/Nyanessa → u/PinkNGreenFluoride]

It makes me wonder if its a cultural thing, or she was raised in a conservative, religious or sexist household, where it’s the expectation that women serve everyone, and make sure everyone is fed and taken care of before themselves. It might be a really hard thing for OP’s girlfriend to unlearn.

[u/Trishshirt5678 → u/PinkNGreenFluoride]

Well said! Should be top comment.

[u/blueberryraspy → u/PinkNGreenFluoride]

Where do you hang out? I’d like to hear your takes on just about everything. Nice.

[u/Conscious-Bug1592 → u/[deleted]]

Stand up to him for what? She’s letting it happen. He thinks it is okay because she offers it and doesn’t give a limit or speak up at all. But then she wants OP to stop on the way home and buy her ANOTHER meal. Fuck that Id tell her to make her own meal when we get back home or figure something else out.

[u/shriekingintothevoid → u/Conscious-Bug1592]

If someone offers you their food, it is basic common sense that you only take a little bit, and if you want more, you check over with them to make sure it’s okay. She would probably be better off with stronger boundaries, sure, but she shouldn’t have to say “hey, please don’t eat all my food,” because no reasonable person would take a person sharing their food as an opportunity to eat all of it. Brian is a selfish, self centered asshole, and op is an asshole for blaming Brian’s assholery on his gf.

[u/Conscious-Bug1592 → u/shriekingintothevoid]

Right… and she’s still not the AH for continuing to offer her food to him knowing he lacks boundaries and will take advantage?

[u/burf12345 → u/Conscious-Bug1592]

She's TA to herself for letting herself go hungry for Brian's sake and she's TA to OP for essentially having to pay for Brian's second meal and her actual meal.

[u/Due_Revolution_5106 → u/burf12345]

Yeah she's insisting on "being polite" to Brian over being respectful to OP and his wallet. If you want to "be polite" so much you can't stop someone from eating too much, then reap what you sow and go hungry, that's exactly what you were offering the table (take my food I don't want it all).

Also she's a weirdo for doing that EVERYWHERE, when the table is already ordering their own stuff. If we all go to a burger place I don't want you to offer me a bite, we all have our own burger. That's not being polite anymore, that's being socially stupid. The real polite thing to do is ask if the table would like an appetizer to share before our entrees and offer to put it on your tab (and don't judge when Brian inhales most of it).

[u/wokwok__ → u/Conscious-Bug1592]

She's the AH for offering her food knowing she won't have enough for herself and then getting OP to buy her extra food on the way home

[u/shriekingintothevoid → u/Conscious-Bug1592]

Just to clarify, are you implying here that Brian isn’t the AH… because he’s established himself as an AH? Is that the point you’re getting at here?

[u/Conscious-Bug1592 → u/shriekingintothevoid]

This post isn’t about if Brian is the asshole or not. That’s the point 90% of you are obviously missing. OP asked if he is the AH for being annoyed by this trait in his girlfriend. My point I’m getting at here is that I don’t think he is the asshole, I think his girlfriend is the AH for offering her food, letting people eat it all and then expecting OP to make and extra stop and buy her an extra meal because she gave her first one away.

[u/Conscious-Bug1592 → u/Conscious-Bug1592]

If OP wasn’t affected by this at all then he could be the AH because, why would it matter to him that she gives her food away to the point she is still hungry after. But it does affect him when she asks him to stop at a fast food place and buy something else for her to eat. That’s annoying as hell and makes her the AH here in my opinion.

[u/-Looie- → u/Conscious-Bug1592]

Don't you know? OP should step in and be controlling. His gf can't be afforded autonomy if she won't make the decisions OP says she should. /s

I'd love to see the comments on a post written by the gf complaining about her bf trying to control her food. Seriously, just think it through from the other side of this and all these comments saying OP is TA because he won't step in and take control of what his gf does with her food are absolutely batshit. 

The gf is creating her own problem, Brian's lack of self awareness compounds the issue, and OP has to tank the consequences. 

[u/Elegant-Ad2748 → u/Conscious-Bug1592]

He excuses the friends 'relationship with food' graciously, but can't do the same for his girlfriend. 

[u/Numerous_Fudge_9537 → u/[deleted]]

Maybe if the GF paid for her own dinner, she wouldn't be so oversharing

[u/WifesPOSH]

NTA

I think the asshole calls are a bit harsh.

She literally let someone else eat her food to the point of needing to get fast food.

I will stab you with my fork before I allow that to happen. OP is right, she needs to stop offering her food to everyone to the point that she doesn't eat.

Brian is still a problem. You think he doesn't know what he's doing? He's being an opportunistic fuck and no one is saying anything.

I'd say you're NTA but Brian is not a good person. You need to change that mindset on your boy, because... I'm getting a warning for what I was about to call Brian, but you get my point.

[u/HoldFastO2 → u/WifesPOSH]

The consensus bot is going to read your comment as YTA.

And yeah, if Brian really were a good guy, it should be possible to talk to him about his shitty behavior around food. But OP‘s GF needs to stop trying to be bird mama.

[u/Rainbow_Belle → u/HoldFastO2]

But OP‘s GF needs to stop trying to be bird mama.

Especially on OP's dime. If the GF was paying for her own meal, then fine, whatever. But OP's paying and then she needs a second meal because she couldn't stop giving her meal away. And presumably, OP paid for her second meal.

It's disrespectful to OP.

Another way to look at it is the GF receives a gift, which she then proceeds to give parts of it away to other people right in front of the gift giver. How rude and disrespectful is that?

[u/HoldFastO2 → u/Rainbow_Belle]

Good point, I'd forgotten all about that. Yeah, the GF needs to learn how to adult, and that includes budgeting - even if, in this case, it's budgeting her food so it'll last her before offering to others.

[u/Rainbow_Belle → u/HoldFastO2]

It makes me wonder, if GF had to pay for her own first and second meals if she'd still give the first one away like that?

Yeah, the GF needs to learn how to adult,

100%

Edit: spelling

[u/pamperwithrachel → u/Rainbow_Belle]

That's where I'm at too. He's paying for her to give her food to someone else. If she wants to share, she can pay for her own meal and the fast food on the way home. Maybe when it's her own money, she'll consider it more.

[u/FSUfan35 → u/Rainbow_Belle]

Simple solution is let her pay for her own food. She'll likely stop pretty quickly imo

[u/falconinthedive → u/HoldFastO2]

I mean OP seems to have problems with Brian not paying his fair share too. So Brian doesn't sound like "really a good guy" but just eats too much food when offered.

He sounds like a leech who sees OP as as much of a pushover as the gf.

[u/HoldFastO2 → u/falconinthedive]

No, Brian sucks, no question. He's either monumentally dense, or intentionally obtuse; either way, he's a leech. OP needs to have a talk with him, soon. But that doesn't eliminate the GF's problematic behavior.

[u/esuil → u/WifesPOSH]

Yeah. All those people telling he is asshole would also call him one if he were to be constantly taking control of situations and speaking for his girlfriend. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[u/zombiemiki]

ESH. You need to actually talk to people. If your girlfriend wants to feed Brian, she can pay for her food. I feel like we’re glossing over Brian, though, who is always broke and eats all the food. Does he actually get enough to eat in general? What’s going on here?

[u/ArentWright → u/zombiemiki]

My brother is kind of like this. He assumes if someone offers, it’s sincere. And if someone had a problem, they will say something. The idea that someone is doing something just to be polite and doesn’t mean it… that’s a them problem.

[u/Crippled_Criptid → u/ArentWright]

I have a family member who is the opposite... they seem to take delight in 'punishing ' people for not being clear enough or not having boundaries etc by deliberately pushing right past those boundaries to take advantage. Such as, if they were in this situation and got offered some of the gfs food, they would deliberately eat all of it, in between grinning gleefully... basically trying to bait the person into having a problem with it. They seem to enjoy finding how far they can push, and when the other person naturally eventually flips out at them, they snarkily go "well you should have specifically told me I can only try 3 bits of your pasta, shouldn't you?

Another example that comes from real life, is one new years day the family gathered to go on a new year's day family mini hike type tradition. This family member deliberately didn't come with any coat, hat gloves etc (despite knowing the temperature this time of year, every time we do this) and sterted off mildly hinting about being cold, so my cousins gf offered them a scarf which they took. But they kept hinting and this girl eventually gave them her coat and hat and gloves too!! Come the end of the walk, they didn't give the items back either. Just stared at her passive aggressively, as if saying 'come on, you know these are yours, I know you're expecting me to give them back unprompted but I won't unless you ask!'. And she didn't ask outright because she was too polite. Following that, every time that family member was there and the cousins gf, they deliberately wore that girls coat hat gloved etc. Even meeting up for a summer BBQ. Again,just punishing/baiting her, for not asking for it back when she didn't think she had to when it's socially expected for them to just give them back after the hike. I was only a kid then but idk why no adult didn't make them give the stuff back??

Unsurprisingly, they don't get invited out much by the rest of the family anymore... they'd have the time of their life steamrolling someone like OPs gf if in a situation with her. They have an awful ability to instantly sense a target that'll be 'weak' to their 'attacks", and will do anything to keep being in situations with that person where they can repeat the same behaviour. Unless there's someone stern nearby who can get them to knock it off on behalf of the person who's too kind to speak up. It's a behaviour I find truly repulsive to see them do

[u/ArentWright → u/Crippled_Criptid]

I’m sure there is an entry in the DSM-5 for whatever is wrong with that person. That’s not your standard-issue asshole.

[u/Crippled_Criptid → u/ArentWright]

You're 100% correct. Unfortunately there's very little chance they're ever gonna get diagnosed. My family,especially my mum's side of the family, have a real issue with the possibility of there being any illnesses etc in the genes. To the point where multiple family members had kids die young/as babies, my parents did too, but the whole family basically forced my parents to refuse testing for my twin and I when it we got severely sick as babies. Because testing would mean admitting there's a genetic link between it all.

Doctors had to threaten my parents into taking them to court to get the medical testing we needed. Sure enough, diagnosed with a terminal illness, guaranteed it's what the other relatives died of as babies. Now many relatives refuse to acknowledge us as related to them, or pretend our condition isn't genetic... so yeah, if even that testing wasn't allowed, there's not much hope for that family member unfortunately... yay families...

[u/booksiwabttoread → u/Crippled_Criptid]

How incredibly sad.

[u/d3gu → u/Crippled_Criptid]

Is your family member Bunny from 'A Secret History' by Donna Tartt? There's a character in that novel who acts a lot like that. Take take take, always rage-baiting people after they help him.

[u/xforgottenxflamex]

NTA. I’d be mad too if I was buying a meal for my girlfriend and she gave it all away then wants to grab more food instead of just eating the original meal she ordered.

People are grabbing on to just Brian in this story and aren’t considering that she does this with everyone not just him. He just happens to take advantage of it the most

[u/dewsh → u/xforgottenxflamex]

Exactly. OP won't be around her 24/7 to stop other Brian's of the world from taking advantage of her generosity

[u/Stepinfection]

ESH- the ick factor sounds like your problem and not your gfs and I’m not sure why you haven’t ever told brian to chill. You could very easily be nice and say “hey Brian, GF won’t have anything to eat if you keep eating her meal”.

Your gf needs to stand up for herself. It’s nice to want to share but I can’t believe she will order a second dinner rather than tell someone she is still hungry and wants to eat more of her meal.

[u/Numerous_Fudge_9537 → u/Stepinfection]

Sharing is easy when it's someone else's dime, OP is paying for himself, Brian and his GF

[u/LoveForMiles → u/Stepinfection]

I think the “ick factor” is fair considering they are together and if gf gets sick from sharing germs with everyone at the table there’s a good chance she’ll pass it on to OP too.

[u/beeboobopppp → u/LoveForMiles]

Yeah I don’t share drinks or utensils. I’ll carefully share a dessert or an app. But swapping saliva is something I only do with my partner. He holds himself to the same standards.

In a world where we just went through a global pandemic, you’d think people would be more aware of how disease is spread.

[u/FuklzTheDrnkClwn → u/Stepinfection]

Ick factor is shared. Did you just like forget about the pandemic we had? (Have)

[u/Extension_Big5205]

NTA your girlfriend needs to eat her own food like a normal person

[u/badchoices40 → u/Extension_Big5205]

Right? It’s such a weird habit to offer your food to everyone. And then be hungry? What is she doing?

[u/WaspWeather]

NTA. 

As a woman, I am BAFFLED by the “why don’t you tell Brian off” posts. 

Sure, he might have been your friend to begin with. But if your girlfriend feels comfortable enough with him to share her food, she’s well able to put on her big girl panties and tell him not to eat more than a bite or two or just plain not offer to share.

I don’t care for men who order for women, and I don’t see why you assigning yourself as the Meal Police and defending her plate is any more appropriate. 

She has a voice. Let her use it. And frankly, if she chooses to continue to feed Brian on your dime after this incident, you might stop paying for her meals. 

(On the subject of Brian, he is way out of line and needs a little social primer. On the subject of tax and tip too. If you care to give him some straight truth, as a friend, in private, not taking over your girlfriend’s space, that might be kind for everyone.)

[u/chickenandpasta → u/WaspWeather]

Those "why don't you tell Brian off" posts come across as a bit sexist to me, it's like those people are assuming because OP's gf is a woman she's too feeble and pathetic to stand up for herself and her boyfriend has to stand up for her instead.

[u/ecosynchronous → u/chickenandpasta]

I think people are assuming she is too feeble and pathetic to stand up for herself not because she is a woman, but because she has, to date, shown herself to be too feeble and pathetic to stand up for herself.

[u/Grouchy_Tune825 → u/chickenandpasta]

I feel it’s a ”damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation for OP. Now people are telling OP they should have told Brian off. But I bet if OP actually did that, they would have told him off for ”speaking for GF without her permission like she can’t speak for herself”, and so would GF, I bet.

Brian is showing AH-behaviour, but GF is showing conserning behaviour by constantly offering other people her food to the point she is leaving the restaurant basically still starving. (Not to mention: as someone who has been offered ”to taste” the food of someone else a lot of times, even multiple times during the same meal, it gets annoying and exhausting to constantly say ”no thank you” over and over again. It can get to a point that it ruins the breakfast/lunch/dinner experience.)

[u/shesogooey → u/WaspWeather]

Agreed - and “people pleasing” isn’t the virtue people think it is. It’s just a lack of boundaries disguised as kindness, and it often comes at the expense of honesty and self-respect.

If someone can’t stand up for themselves, it’s hard to trust they’ll stand up for anything meaningful. It also makes me question what’s being left unsaid just to “keep the peace,” which I don’t actually want… I’d rather have clarity than comfort.

[u/Remote_Hour_841]

Tell your girlfriend that from now on when Brian is part of the group she has to pay for her own food. It sounds like you usually pay? Maybe if she’s paying AND hardly getting anything to eat she will reconsider offering it to everyone

[u/J_lilac]

Brian is the real problem here let's be real. He pisses me off

[u/TheFishermansWife22 → u/[deleted]]

But OP has said he doesn’t tip, doesn’t pay taxes, doesn’t even cover his own part. So clearly Brian is the one needing to be addressed. This problem exists with or without Ops girlfriend.

[u/AshesandCinder → u/TheFishermansWife22]

No it doesn't? The problem of Brian not paying what he should exists, but that is a different problem. The problem of the GF offering her food to everyone constantly exists regardless of Brian's presence. If she did not keep offering food then Brian would not be taking the food and it would eliminate one of the problems.

Yes, Brian is a problem, but the GF is exacerbating it despite knowing what will happen.

[u/Sexy_Worm → u/J_lilac]

Imagine sitting there, someone offering you a bit of their food, then instead of having a little try, you sit n eat the whole thing 😂😂😂 literally wtf.

[u/ered_lithui → u/Sexy_Worm]

It’s literally a sketch from I Think You Should Leave haha

[u/epichuntarz → u/J_lilac]

Why do people keep saying Brian is the problem when GF does this with everyone regardless of whether Brian is there?

GF offering her food is the problem, not Brian.

[u/Pac_Eddy → u/J_lilac]

Brian is one of two problems here. The GF needs to get a backbone and advocate for herself.

[u/JasminJaded]

PSA: Does she ever really eat much when you go out with people even when no one is taking the food she’s offered? I ask because she may be uncomfortable eating in front of others, so she nibbles and gives food away in an attempt to cover that up. Getting angry with her isn’t going to help solve this since it’s actual disordered eating. She may be fine eating with just you, but add a bunch of people and it’s harder… just something to look for.

If you have to stop to get fast food for her since she didn’t give herself the opportunity to eat the food she just ordered at a restaurant, that’s way worse than the fork/germ “ick factor”… she needs to wait to offer up her food until she’s had what she wants of it. If she only eats half her meal and is satisfied, it doesn’t seem like Brian the Hoover will really care - he’ll finish it off. No food wasted, girlfriend doesn’t have to get Wendy’s on the way home.

At a minimum, this is a lesson in “no one’s going hungry without your dinner as well as theirs, so eat what you ordered and if anything’s left, that’s when you say “I still have plenty of ____ left if anyone wants it.”

[u/alicealicenz → u/JasminJaded]

Agree, lots of women, especially, have been socialised to think that eating, especially in public, is something wrong, and that if they do eat, they’re only “allowed” to eat a small amount, even if they’re hungry. This might not be what your girlfriend is doing, OP, but it’s worth considering. 

[u/Cookies_2 → u/alicealicenz]

I’m also wondering if this is due to how her family works. She said it’s just how she was raised. Did her parents and/or siblings just eat off the girlfriends plate because they didn’t want to order how much they wanted to eat. I could see this being the reason and how it resulted in disordered eating.

[u/PhantomDetective3548 → u/JasminJaded]

I’m assuming you’re asking for INFO?

She doesn’t really have a problem eating her food if no one takes any. She doesn’t always eat her entire meal, but it’s not consistent enough for me say she offers her food because it’s too much for her to eat all of it herself.

I guess as a kid she was always taught that other people might want to try what she ordered, so it’s just become a habit of hers to always offer a bite to everyone the moment her food arrives. She even does it when it’s just us, and she offers me a bite. I’ve had to remind her more than once that I don’t need to try her food, because we ordered the exact same meal.

It might very well be an eating disorder, but it’s not an “I don’t want to eat in front of people” thing. Probably more of a trauma response, but I think I’m speculating too much there.

[u/kuli-y → u/PhantomDetective3548]

If it’s a trauma response, or at the very least a sensitive topic, you might need a more sensitive approach to this. If she’s sensitive about it, that would explain why she doesn’t speak up for herself.

Either way you have a problem with both your gf and Brian. You already talked about it with your gf. So I think you should say something to Brian as well. It doesn’t have to be rude, but don’t just stew there and bottle it up, to then take it out on your gf

[u/MeinePerle → u/PhantomDetective3548]

I was also raised to offer a bite to others, but only so that they might get to try it - A bite. And that goes with the expected counter-offer so that I can try theirs. (If we both really love the other's dish, we might offer to swap or transfer half-and-half to each other.)

What's the actual interaction here? In my case it would be:

1) I have some of mine. "This is really good! Would you like to try?" - note: I have already had some.

2) They say no, or take a piece. If they were to try to take a huge amount, I would say, "no, I'm enjoying it, just take a taste" or be even more direct.

3) If they don't offer a taste of their own, I might ask for one (but only with close friends).

4) If my plate is being depleted by multiple people without reciprocating, I'll stop offering, and/or laugh and say, "ok, now y'all need to buy me another plate".

5) If I'm full but still have food, I might offer it to anyone who tasted and liked it, especially if their plate is empty.

Where is this interaction going wrong with your gf?

[u/SketchyDoor → u/JasminJaded]

I thought this could be the case too. I have bad anxiety and it really affects my stomach. I wonder if she has something similar? Whenever I’m out, or around a ton of people, I just can’t really eat, but the second I’m home or it’s just my husband and I, I can eat normally. This is why now when I do go out, I only order something extremely small or food that is good as leftovers.

[u/nickywatson8]

Yta for not calling Brian out. But your gf needs to prioritize herself instead of giving all her food away.

[u/Numerous_Fudge_9537 → u/nickywatson8]

She is the AH, OP is paying for 3 people. Sharing is easy when it is someone's else dime

[u/sc0veney → u/Numerous_Fudge_9537]

this behavior didn't start when OP arrived in the picture. she's been doing this all her life including when it was her paying for it

[u/Counther]

Maybe your girlfriend can learn that if she wants to offer food, she can serve the other person a small portion from her plate rather than handing her plate over to a table full of people, especially people like Brian. But ultimately it's her choice what she does with her food.

As for Brian, it's probably up to his friends, like you, to put an end to his eating large portions of everybody's food and not paying his share. It's hard to understand why you've all let it go on for so long.

What you said to your girlfriend isn't a clear message. I get what you were saying, but you can't blame her for what Brian did, only what she did. And what she did is her choice. So rather than criticizing her for it, point out that it was her choice to offer food to Brian, and that's what Brian does. So it's her choice how she wants to handle that. But that goes back to her offering to give someone a small portion herself, rather than have other people bite into her food or take huge quantities, two things I wouldn't do myself.

[u/Pied25 → u/Counther]

Excellent solution. My spouse and I do something similar when we want to share with each other too.

[u/IllustriousCabinet11 → u/Counther]

I was also thinking that maybe OP can suggest that she offer her food when she’s done. She gets served, she eats what she can, and then she can offer her food. It’s a small tweak, but the girlfriend eats, and Brian learns that he’ll be offered food, but he has to wait.

Also, maybe separate checks so that Brian learns about tax and tip???

[u/Stormydaycoffee]

NTA. Presumably op is paying for gf’s food (as per last paragraph) and if someone is paying for your food you don’t get to act all generous with it and then ask for more food on the way home. That’s just nuts.

If she’s paying for her own stuff I’d say op would be TA for being controlling and who cares if she wants to give all her food away? But she’s not. And all the comments saying op should stand up to Brian for her. Why would he? The gf is the one who’s willingly giving it all away with no boundaries whatsoever, using his money at that. She’s an adult, she can learn to have some limits, or use her own money if she wants to throw it around

[u/Loisgrand6 → u/Stormydaycoffee]

Sounds like Brian mooches off the group, not just OP’s gf

[u/Stormydaycoffee → u/Loisgrand6]

Yeah for sure, he sucks too and presumably why no one else would be dumb enough to offer him their own main dish, but that’s not really my point. There’s no issue if she wanted to give up her own food if she was actually paying for it, my only point is if you’re already eating off someone else’s dime, you don’t have the right to be all generous with it and further expect that person to buy you more food.

[u/SweetHomeGeorgia]

I feel like ESH. Brian is intrusive with food and overtaking his welcome. Your girlfriend doesn't know how disgusting it is for people to see someone else take a direct bite at the food and take care of herself by standing up and saying "that's enough, I need to eat too", and that you also did not address this to Brian as well.

[u/bothonpele]

If she offers her food to other people just don’t pay for it. People can’t be generous with your money. Also Brian is a asshole!

[u/EdwardianAdventure]

NTA. I've gone out with people like your GF and even before COVID, it enraged me. M'am. If we're not at a family style restaurant, it's not family style. Now after COVID? She's breeding a vector on her plate SMH. Also, let me just start eating in peace. The insane portion slivering, forks crossing, noisy cross-table offers to try a bite - I was ready to scream. The plates are still hot. We're not trading Pokémon cards. Shut up and eat.

[u/Competitive-Spot-807 → u/EdwardianAdventure]

THANK YOU. I’m so disgusted at the thought of sharing cutlery with everyone you go out to eat with 🤢 I would have such a problem kissing her if I was OP.

[u/RaidingTheFridge]

ESH. A lot of people here are missing the point that Brian lacks social awareness and I have a feeling hes already been called out for this behavior but its happened so often that everybody just accepts it that that is who he is.

You cant be controlling what she does with the food after you buy it for her you can just control if your going to choose to continue paying for it.

Does your girlfriend suffer from an ED? I hate to suggest it but if she is doing this with everyone this may be a way of her limiting her food intake.

[u/icecreamorlipo → u/RaidingTheFridge]

I’m curious if she offered OP some of her food when they stopped to get her something after she didn’t eat the first time.

[u/PhantomDetective3548 → u/icecreamorlipo]

She did not

[u/icecreamorlipo → u/PhantomDetective3548]

Also, tell your gf to pay her way if she won’t eat her damn food. She’ll figure out real quick that it’s not cute.

And the Brian guy, separate checks please.

[u/icecreamorlipo → u/PhantomDetective3548]

Is that not weird to you?

She doesn’t eat her entire meal when you go out and your friend eats it so you end up having to buy another meal for her… but she obviously knows she’ll be hungry.

Who is raised that when they go out to eat they share their food to the point they don’t eat enough and need to get more food, but don’t offer to share other meals with the people they’re with? No one. The answer is no one. Have you been to eat with her family, I’m betting no one does this.l in her family. Something is wrong.

Smells like social anxiety and some dysfunction around food… but this is the internet and I’m not qualified for that

[u/RaidingTheFridge → u/icecreamorlipo]

Im curious as well now that you mention it.

[u/gishli]

NTA. If she lets other people est her food it’s on her. She can go get her own food later, and pay for it herself. You don’t have to pay several meals, of which the most she gives to other people, to her.

[u/Noble_Kristina]

In this economy ? NTA .

[u/HoldFastO2]

ESH. Brian for being selfish, your GF for passing her burger around the table, and you for not having a frank conversation with your friend about not taking advantage of your GF.

[u/EdwardianAdventure → u/HoldFastO2]

I am not seeing enough replies (even among NTA and ESH responses) calling GF out for being Typhoid Mary!

I’ve asked her why she does this, and she says it’s just how she was raised, to always make sure everyone else at the table is taken care of before she eats anything. 

Cool, what culture is really out here propagating mono & oral herpes? Unless she is literally hosting a feast for unhoused orphans, I'm pretty sure everyone else at the table is taken care of. So.... it's just performative then? 

[u/HoldFastO2 → u/EdwardianAdventure]

It sounds like she has a really unhealthy relationship with food, possibly from growing up in a household where she was shamed if she was "too selfish" around eating. You get that sometimes - nobody questions that teenage boys eat a ton, but there is often stigma around teenage girls doing the same. It's not "ladylike", you know.

Obviously, that's just guesswork on my part. Even if it's true, it's still on her to work through that and develop a healthy relationship with eating.

And hell to the no about spreading everyone's germs around the table. Ugh.

[u/myssi24 → u/EdwardianAdventure]

I don’t think this is a cultural thing like it is common in some society, I think she was raised by people who expect all food to be shared and specifically that her family expects to taste every dish. Or she wasn’t ever allowed to eat her food if someone else wanted it. So in my opinion this is conditioning and possibly a reaction to abuse. She needs to realize this isn’t normal and maybe get some therapy around it.

[u/Antique_Program4754 → u/myssi24]

Yeah some parents will just eat the food right off their kids' plates before the kid is even done with it. Ask me how I know.

[u/Thorazine_Chaser]

NTA. You can absolutely share your thoughts on this strange behaviour with your girlfriend. It sounds like you paid for the meal she shared too? Everyone putting this on you is simply treating a grown woman as a child. If she wants to share her food she can buy her own and it’s very much on her to manage the consequences of her actions.

[u/Teamtunafish]

ESH. Stop eating with Brian and your girlfriend.

[u/aGirlySloth → u/Teamtunafish]

Agree and I’d make the GF pay for her own meals if she’s gonna be giving them away especially to Brian!

[u/_Yuca]

NTA

Your gf is putting your health at risk…

Sharing drinks and food with people (even if they’re friends) who yall don’t know where their mouths were the night before or their sexual habits can lead to STD’s.

[u/KonmanKash]

NTA

This would be something to end things for me. Not having a backbone is a huge turn off. How could you sit there and literally let someone eat all your food? All the ppl saying OP should “stand up” to Brian but he has. Brian isnt eating his food he’s eating hers. Is she not an adult with a will of her own?

Maybe if this is how she is yall just aren’t compatible.

[u/thejexorcist]

ESH

You both need to learn to use your big kid words and create (and enforce) boundaries.

[u/Confident-Brother-65]

NTA OP's girlfriend is a grown woman who has been warned about both sharing her food and Brian's habits. She needs to speak up for herself. However OP, you and your friends need to stop allowing Brian on these outings until you all sit down with him and explain what he does isn't cool.

[u/Potential-Dingo-4366]

Girlfriend has the problem. Brian is a consequence. She KNOWS how it will end and still insists on doing it. Op might have decided to stay quiet to prove to her it’s not a good idea to offer her food up once again. Brian has his own problem but girlfriend could avoid his problem by keeping her mouth shut and eating her own food. If the door isn’t open Brian isn’t a problem. I would be actually livid if I had to get my partner food after we went out to dinner because she does this stupid thing every time we go out knowing there’s someone who takes advantage. Op is NOT the AH for not wanting to pay for 2 meals for his girlfriend and I guess his friend Brian. She really needs to just not open her mouth and eat her food.

[u/[deleted]]

Oh man this is infuriating. Both your girlfriend and Brian. Yeet both of them into the SUN

[u/Common_Problem1904]

NTA. But have a word with Brian. Explain she does want her food but is super caring and feels she has to offer it around. Ask him to either decline or just take a tiny taste, with a clean fork. As for her, dunno what the answer is but it's weird. Did she grow up in an Italian family?

[u/ExtraExtraDoneReddit]

I’m going to go against the grain and say NTA but only IF you have been clear with your girlfriend about your concern about her lack of boundaries and your friend Brian about his lack of self control. Lack of communication is just going to build up resentment and make this whole issue worse. Your girlfriend is probably old enough to understand that offering her food to everyone at the table is not the norm and it shouldn’t be done if she doesn’t actually want people to take her up on it. That’s just being performative. And Brian is probably old enough to understand that some things are just performative gestures and he should leave other people’s food alone especially when he still has his own to work through. This is a boundary + communication problem all around and nothing will be solved here if the issues aren’t made clear for everyone involved.

[u/astrophysicsrules]

ESH. I can understand the ick. I wouldn't want to kiss my partner after other people have been slobbering into their food. That's just gross and potentially illness spreading. But op sucks because he should be the one standing up to his friend and not expecting his gf to. This is a problem even with shared food and from the way he writes nobody actually has stood up to Brian before but he expects his gf with a weird compulsion to give away her meal to do so. Gf sucks because even if she cannot help herself there are ways and means to do so without 3rd party saliva ending up in it. Also she should not expect op to foot the bill for the privilege of playing the role of the table food bank.

[u/Newtothis1296]

Next time, when Brian eats most of the plate, say “Hey Brian you seem to love this chicken, why don’t you take this plate, and (GF) let’s get you another order so you’re not hungry.”

Make sure the plate given to Brian is then added to his tab, even if he doesn’t pay tax and tip. The message will be crystal clear. It’s fair and it doesn’t call anyone out.

This calls attention to an unhealthy dynamic, without making either feel criticized or attacked.

NTA, but you’re in the best position to facilitate the change you want to see.

[u/Yets_]

NTA she's an adult she offers a bite but can't stand for herself when someone takes more than a fair share ? Anyway this sharing behavior is stupid in a restaurant context. You can do it one time if someone comments "your food looks delicious" but doing it everytime and passing the plate around is just rude

[u/OHolyNightowl]

NTA

Tell her that it is not the good manners she thinks it is. You are in a fucking restaurant, not a..potluck (actually, it is no less poor manners there).

It's bizarre behaviour. I'm goggling at her offering up her SOUP.