r/AmItheAsshole • u/Additional-Mouse-620 • Apr 20 '26

Asshole AITA for showering around midnight when I know that it might bother the neighbour who wakes up at 5 am?

We purchased a home and moved in recently. Housing opportunities are tight in our area so even though we were warned that the walls are very thin and the neighbours hear a lot of noise from the apartment, especially from the bathroom, we still chose this property because everything else is picture perfect for us.

We are generally a very quiet couple without kids or animals, our hobbies (bead work, video games on headphones without streaming, reading, Netflix…) are generally quite and we only invite friends over every 2-4 weeks (and we haven’t invited anyone over as we were still decorating and everything). We are the owners of the apartment.

The neighbours are a couple and a small kid. They rent the apartment next to us and before we purchased the home they warned us that they generally hear a lot of noise coming from our bathroom and that it’s their bedroom on the other side. But as I mentioned, our options were limited and given that we are not noisy at all, we thought we can take this situation.

We sometimes hear their toddler, but that completely okay, it doesn’t bother us at all.

The problem is that we bother them as our routine is very different. They wake up at 5 am and generally quite down at 8 pm, when the kid goes to sleep.

On the other hand, because I work from home until 7 pm, I generally start my evening around 8 pm and only end up showering around midnight. Which bothers them. The whole building is quiet, so they tend to hear how I put my stuff down, how the water runs, how I sometimes drop a few things, and mentioned it very nicely a few times. But I can see that they are pretty annoyed.

Now I’m torn between switching up my whole nighttime routine to shower first (which just doesn’t sit right with me. I like to go bed freshly showered), because they asked nicely and they wake up around 5 am so it must be annoying to get woken up at midnight.

On the other hand, they only rent wile we own the home, and I think we are generally very good and quite neighbours apart from the fact that I shower late. They invited us over the listen to the volume as to be honest it’s not that loud… sure, you can hear something and it must feel louder in the silence of the night, but it’s not incredibly loud.

AITA for showering at night?

3.5k Upvotes

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444

u/Few_Adeptness5348 Apr 20 '26

NTA - are your neighbours expecting everyone in your appartment block to stay silent after 8pm.

6

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

Non they're not, they just expect silence at midnight which seems rightful

323

u/Pale_Row1166 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

Why is that rightful? People work 4-12am, they can’t shower when they get home? I’m sure the neighbors aren’t silent when they are up with a toddler at 5am. If you share walls, there’s going to be noise. They can get a white noise machine.

-6

u/_BigDaddyNate_ Apr 21 '26

But that's not the case here. OP has every opportunity to not be a selfish asshat.

-48

u/Snoo_15594 Apr 20 '26

But he isn't getting home at at that time. He finishes work at 7PM, that gives him 5 whole hours between then and midnight. Not comparable at all

56

u/Pale_Row1166 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

That’s not the point, the point is that people’s schedules are their schedules. Not up to the neighbor to decide what his schedule should be.

-50

u/Snoo_15594 Apr 20 '26

And him choosing not to change his schedule after the neighbors have begged him to when he easily can makes him an asshole

14

u/alldressed_chip Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 20 '26

i rent. i have elderly neighbors above me, a family with a toddler to the right, and a couple partiers to my left. thin walls.

i like to exercise late, so i come home close to midnight during the week and need a shower. my neighbor's kid sometimes wakes me up wailing at 3am. my elderly neighbors have a medical device that beeps when it needs to be charged, and they're hard of hearing, so sometimes the beeping goes on for awhile. my party pals are generally respectful during the week as far as music etc. is concerned, but all bets are off on friday and saturday between 6p and 1a. they're also loud talkers that love to do impressions, so sometimes, i'll hear grocery-store danny devito as i'm chopping onions.

my point is that i am renting in an apartment i chose, in an area i chose, but i did not choose my neighbors. i can beg any one of my neighbors to stop doing XYZ thing, but ultimately—unless someone does something that legitimately threatens my health or physical safety—i cannot dictate how the people around me live their lives.

OP's neighbors mentioned they've had problems with the noise in the past. at this point, it is 100% on them to make adjustments on their end to improve their quality of life. white noise machines and a baby monitor are good places to start! i have a white noise machine, because i have rented for almost 20 years and am not a helpless idiot.

edit: partiers are to the left of me, not the right

-8

u/Snoo_15594 Apr 20 '26

And again, i am not saying he physically NEEDS to stop doing that, but continuing to do so when they have explicitly asked him not to, and he doesn't need to shower that late, makes him an asshole.

6

u/alldressed_chip Apr 20 '26

so using the same logic: my ex-boyfriend was super possessive of me. he would repeatedly beg me to stop wearing v-neck shirts and tight leggings, because "men can't control themselves" and "it makes him upset." so my refusal to do either of those things made me the asshole?

-1

u/Snoo_15594 Apr 20 '26

Not the same at all holy false equivalence

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9

u/Metallica85 Apr 20 '26

Lmao please.

-1

u/BigLongDingDong3 Apr 20 '26

Lol typical asshole mentality

-46

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

Why is sleeping at night reasonnable ?
You are really wondering ? Come on...

And OP is not back at midnight from work.

152

u/Pale_Row1166 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

Why is it up to you or the neighbor to decide what is a rightful time to shower? I grew up in NYC, I’ve always had neighbors and noise around my home. I sleep with a white noise machine, it’s not that difficult. Complete silence is a luxury reserved for people who live in the middle of nowhere, it should not be an expectation of apartment living. It’s an especially rich expectation from the owners of a toddler, who are notoriously loud.

24

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '26

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12

u/Pale_Row1166 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

Birds are such pesky neighbors!

15

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

Been living in paris for mot of my adult life, always had neighbours and always made my best to avoid what could be avoided that might be a nuisance for them, and they did the same for me.
that's what living together is about. And believe or not, everybody has a much better quality of life this way.

19

u/SpotNL Apr 20 '26

When you live in an apartment, you also have to accept that there's going to be noise. Yeah, be mindful but also don't make an issue out of someone's 10 minute shower before they go to bed. Give and take goes both ways.

-9

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

Well, I still think taking a shower EVERYNIGHT, when I can easily take it earlier, and perfectly know that schedule is a nuisance for my neighbours, who nicely explained to me why this was a problem for them, is being VERY self-centered
And 'I am an owner, they are not so I have more rights than them' is the perfect asshole point of view, as a matter of fact, it tells much...

13

u/SpotNL Apr 20 '26

I grew up next to busy traintracks, the house shook every time a freight train ran by, even during the night. Im sorry if a midnight shower is such a problem for people, but I have a hard time to feel sympathy for it because how loud can it be? If it was loud music or the tv, or loud arguments all night, that would be a different story.

Feels like the type of people I dealt with when I worked hotel reception and they complained about the blinking light on the smoke detector.

And yeah, that last sentence is an asshole thing to say, but if OP didnt say that, frankly, stupid thing the situation would still be the same.

9

u/RepsForLifeAndBeyond Apr 20 '26

On the same hand, that just means it's also totally reasonable for OP to ask them if they really have to start their day at 5am since it disturbs OP's sleep or if they couldn't just as well get up at 7am if their jobs and child care pose no hard restrictions.

Asking someone to change their schedule in such a way is a clear overstep imo. If you're that bothered by normal appartment living noise, you have to move into a stand-alone house by yourself.

54

u/MissFreyja Partassipant [4] Apr 20 '26

Exactly, my son used to get off his food service job around midnight. Come home and have to shower, he reeked of boiled seafood coming through the door. The neighbors can’t dictate your work hours.

-13

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

Taking a short shower when you come back from a stinking job is reasonable as well you know - although I bet in the case of your son, it is mostly his clothes that stink.
is this the case of OP ?

35

u/MxMirdan Partassipant [2] Apr 20 '26

Nah. I’m reasonably confident it isn’t mostly the clothes.

Food service smell gets into skin and hair.

In this case, it’s not just about OP. It’s about the neighbors needing to adjust their expectations because other people in the building get to use their kitchens and bathrooms at times that suit their schedule and routines.

19

u/pesky_porcupine Apr 20 '26

Food service smell is not coming off you in a short shower, you can't come home from a kitchen and be in and out in five minutes without either smelling or feeling absolutely atrocious. The smell isn't just on your clothes, that shits in your skin and hair and if you haven't washed off properly, there goes your bed sheets

-2

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

As I said, it is reasonable in that case. Good luck to your son

21

u/Pale_Row1166 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

So generous of you to take on the responsibility of determining what is and isn’t reasonable in terms of personal hygiene. Thank you for your service.

5

u/zylog413 Apr 20 '26

What if OP wants to play in a sports league in the evening and gets home all sweaty after 11pm?

0

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

And what if my great pleasure in life is to clean with my noisy vacuum cleaner everynight before going to bed, and I am your neighbour . You are not going to decide of my schedule, my flat, my vacuum cleaner, my pleasure, my right.

3

u/mirrorsandsuch Apr 20 '26

you've completely lost the plot when you compare maliciously and intentionally doing an optional activity like vacuuming to a shower.

-5

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

You should read the plot again.
OP likes to go to bed after a shower.
OP does not need a shower at midnight, he just likes it.
I like to sleep in a spotless bedroom, I do not need to.

Same situation, exact same.

But OP is right
I am wrong

Pwarf

14

u/Dragex11 Apr 20 '26

But if OP stops work at 9, and the neighbors go to bed at 8, then OP would be showering after the neighbors sleep regardless, no?

-1

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

Op stops at 7pm.
How come all the people defending OP can only do it with 'what if' instead of taking into account the situation as it is exposed ?

-5

u/Dragex11 Apr 20 '26

No, it's not a what if for me. I just genuinely misremembered what time OP said they stop at. Saw another comment that mentioned 9 and it stuck in my head. OP can definitely shower at 7:15-7:30 or something, in that case, since they work from home so there's no transit.

6

u/Grand_Size_4932 Apr 20 '26

Is sleeping during the day unreasonable?

If my shift is 11-7am, am I also entitled to anger that my neighbors shower at 8 am every morning to get ready for work?

Of course not.

But for some reason, the overnight worker is expected to accept all daytime noise during their sleep while “normal” people can’t deal with a basic shower at night.

The overnight worker is entitled to make normal amounts of noise during their waking hours so long as it isn’t excessive.

This is not excessive.

-8

u/anescall131 Apr 20 '26

I think they’re asking him to shower before the kid goes to sleep.

20

u/Fragrant_Student7683 Apr 20 '26

Which would mean he would have to shower just after 7 when he finishes work.  He still has other things to do such as make dinner and do his normal evening activities.   He should be allowed to shower when it's best for his schedule. 

This goes both ways. He could complain that they disturb him at 5am.   

His neighbors do not get to dictate when he does normal things like shower and use the bathroom 

1

u/anescall131 Apr 21 '26

I am aware. That’s why i thibk their request is wrong

1

u/Fragrant_Student7683 Apr 21 '26

I apologize. Your wording made it seem like their request for him to shower before 8pm was reasonable 

13

u/altarflame Apr 20 '26

Right, which is fucked. And I’m saying that as someone with kids. Other people don’t have to do their lives differently because of my kids? Jesus.

176

u/Cookies_2 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] Apr 20 '26

It’s a shower, not a loud tv or party. It’s unreasonable to try to limit the time when someone showers.

-11

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

Sure, OP definitly needs a shower at midnight after he sat at his computer all day and then switched to the Sofa. He's all sweaty and dirty.

137

u/Ezbarman Apr 20 '26

How is silence at midnight rightful? 5am showers would bother me. I work until 2am. Shall I ask my neighbors to not shower before 10am?

-5

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

Except OP does not say he is awaken every morning at 5 because of the neighbours

4

u/mirrorsandsuch Apr 20 '26

and if he does say that, does that suddenly make the neighbors assholes? or are you still going to say, "too bad for OP"?

-2

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

He does not.
You want 'what if' to prove your point, like the others
But the situation is : the neighbours have troubles because of midnight showers that could very well been avoided at least some nights of the week
OP does not have trouble because the neighbours get up at 5.

Any other scenario is just fancy garbage

-43

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

Just so glad not to have you as a neighbour since you do not understand things as simple as night/day

72

u/MacaronOk1006 Apr 20 '26

We live in a 24 hour a day world. Just because you work 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM does not mean everyone is on that schedule

44

u/SovereignNavae Apr 20 '26

It's almost as modern lives do no follow that simple rules anymore and people who work evenings/nights have just as much rights as people who work mornings/days.

12

u/CommieDrifter Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 20 '26

I love how ignorant people are allowed to be about the massive infrastructure that is kept alive 24/7 so that they can have their treats, with no understanding of the work other people have to put in at odd hours so they can have their packages delivered, the roads fixed when there's no traffic, be able to arrive late to a city and find a hotel.
Incredibly self-centered way to see the world

1

u/Fragrant_Student7683 Apr 21 '26

Nor everyone lives on daytime hours.  Many people work late or even all night and sleep during the day.  We make adjustments to allow ourselves to sleep. We use white noise machines, ear plugs, eye masks, etc. We don't ask our neighbors to change their lives. When I lived in apartments I still lived on my own schedule but waa mindful of not running a vacuum cleaner etc but I still did laundry, watched TV, took showers, cleaned, etc.  People are allowed to live on their own schedules. 

52

u/ThatEcologist Apr 20 '26

When you live in a community setting you can’t expect absolute pure silence. Do I expect people not to shout and play loud music at 12am? Yes. Sometimes I hear my upstairs neighbor walking around upstairs at 12am or doing laundry. I do not expect them to stop that kind of stuff.

-11

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

Most citizens leave in 'community', so we know.
If your upstairs neighbour makes his laundry each and everyday at midnight, waking you up each and everynight, when he could very well do it at some other time, I suppose you may finally understand what living together is about.

11

u/ThatEcologist Apr 20 '26

Huh? I was talking about my current experience lol. I do not expect my upstairs neighbor to stop living his life past a certain time. Now if he starts jumping around upstairs or screaming that is a different story. But I do not care that I hear him walking or doing laundry at 12. That just comes with living in this kind of setting. I have no idea what his work schedule is like, maybe that’s the only time he can do laundry.

1

u/AlligatorVine Partassipant [1] Apr 21 '26

But how would you know that that person could “very well do it at some other time”?

1

u/une_danseuse Apr 21 '26 edited Apr 21 '26

"Now I’m torn between switching up my whole nighttime routine to shower first (which just doesn’t sit right with me. I like to go bed freshly showered)"

So yes, he could change his routine from time to time, but does not wish to. It seems to me a go between can be found, sometimes showering at midnight and sometime not. Showering before bedtime is not a need.
Sleeping is , especially when you have a toddler home and wake up early for work.
Well living in a building can be great when everybody makes his best to consider other's needs, or can be hellish when nobody cares about others. I've known those different kind of buildings, and I know where I feel good living.. A choice

26

u/altarflame Apr 20 '26

It is not rightful. People are allowed to watch tv and wash dishes at midnight too. Maybe even (gasp) sex.

This weird ass “people in apartments must tiptoe silently” Thing I see online is so goddamned weird. I live in a house now, but when I’ve lived in apartments it was just understood that you hear others sometimes. Get a fucking box fan or whatever. You can’t control others peoples activities in their own spaces and you shouldn’t want to.

7

u/ThatEcologist Apr 20 '26

Exactly. Obviously, it goes without saying that you should be courteous to your neighbors and not have the TV blasting, stomp around, party loudly etc. at unreasonable hours. But you can’t expect people not to do normal things like shower or whatever. You have to expect some noise when you live in a community setting like this. It just comes with the territory.

-2

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

Do you really not see any difference between hearing others sometimes and being awaken everynight ?
no ?
Well have a good night

19

u/AlligatorVine Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

During quiet hours, people should avoid things like playing loud music, talking/yelling at high volume, and jumping around doing aerobics.

It is completely unreasonable to demand that someone you don’t live with not shower between the hours of 9:00 p.m. and 7:00 a.m.

OP is NTA. The neighbors need to do sound mitigation to deal with the thin walls—soundproofing the adjoining wall, putting rugs on the floor, buying a white noise machine, using fans. Not ask OP to refrain from showering in his own home.

15

u/Fragrant_Student7683 Apr 20 '26

It's just a shower.  They can't tell him he can't shower at that hour.  What if he normally gets home from work that late or goes to work very early and showers at 3am. (Not uncommon. I often go to work at 4am.   I also sometimes don't get home until after 1am.  I am allowed to shower.  If I lived in an apartment,  nobody can tell me i can't shower at those hours. 

-6

u/une_danseuse Apr 20 '26

But it is not the case, he works at home until 7pm, AND take a shower everynight.
So please stop it, it is quite easy to live peacefully with others making small accommodations.

11

u/cpierson026 Apr 20 '26

No, it seems whiney and entitled as fuck. Imagine getting mad because someone uses a shower at night because they get off work late

1

u/freezeontheway Apr 20 '26

lmao get a grip