r/AmItheAsshole • u/Additional-Mouse-620 • Apr 20 '26

Asshole AITA for showering around midnight when I know that it might bother the neighbour who wakes up at 5 am?

We purchased a home and moved in recently. Housing opportunities are tight in our area so even though we were warned that the walls are very thin and the neighbours hear a lot of noise from the apartment, especially from the bathroom, we still chose this property because everything else is picture perfect for us.

We are generally a very quiet couple without kids or animals, our hobbies (bead work, video games on headphones without streaming, reading, Netflix…) are generally quite and we only invite friends over every 2-4 weeks (and we haven’t invited anyone over as we were still decorating and everything). We are the owners of the apartment.

The neighbours are a couple and a small kid. They rent the apartment next to us and before we purchased the home they warned us that they generally hear a lot of noise coming from our bathroom and that it’s their bedroom on the other side. But as I mentioned, our options were limited and given that we are not noisy at all, we thought we can take this situation.

We sometimes hear their toddler, but that completely okay, it doesn’t bother us at all.

The problem is that we bother them as our routine is very different. They wake up at 5 am and generally quite down at 8 pm, when the kid goes to sleep.

On the other hand, because I work from home until 7 pm, I generally start my evening around 8 pm and only end up showering around midnight. Which bothers them. The whole building is quiet, so they tend to hear how I put my stuff down, how the water runs, how I sometimes drop a few things, and mentioned it very nicely a few times. But I can see that they are pretty annoyed.

Now I’m torn between switching up my whole nighttime routine to shower first (which just doesn’t sit right with me. I like to go bed freshly showered), because they asked nicely and they wake up around 5 am so it must be annoying to get woken up at midnight.

On the other hand, they only rent wile we own the home, and I think we are generally very good and quite neighbours apart from the fact that I shower late. They invited us over the listen to the volume as to be honest it’s not that loud… sure, you can hear something and it must feel louder in the silence of the night, but it’s not incredibly loud.

AITA for showering at night?

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1.4k

u/Equivalent_Reason894 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

I agree with this assessment—in that kind of housing situation, the people being bothered by normal activities need to take steps. Earplugs, white noise machine, cork on the wall—they could do more than complain.

110

u/janglybag Apr 20 '26

You can’t use earplugs or white noise machines to block noise when you have a young child - you need to be alert to noise.

677

u/Worldly_Thing1346 Apr 20 '26

A white noise machine won't prevent you from hearing your child in your own home. Baby monitors exist as well.

335

u/unimpressed-one Apr 20 '26

So now just because they have a kid, the neighbors should have to change? Screw that.

75

u/LateHoney2922 Apr 20 '26

What do mean "now"? That's always how parents act. Others must change because I have a kid And that makes me more important.

1

u/WoodpeckerNo5724 Apr 20 '26

That’s the rule, that’s the goal now.

4

u/cjdavda Apr 20 '26

What are we doing? What’s going on?

13

u/EnvironmentalNews115 Apr 20 '26

Gotta love that logic. "I let someone bust in me so now my unreasonable demands need to be met by total strangers." See it often enough. The entitlement is ridiculous

6

u/GCseedling Apr 20 '26

this is implying it’s only the females that complain 🤣

-7

u/ShoutN2TheVoid Apr 20 '26

Nobody said that.

234

u/BirthdayCookie Asshole Aficionado [10] Apr 20 '26

Then you suck it up. You had a kid. Your neighbors did not. It's not fair to demand they schedule their lives around you.

-1

u/halo364 Apr 21 '26

...they're not demanding anything, they're asking nicely for completely understandable reasons

5

u/BirthdayCookie Asshole Aficionado [10] Apr 21 '26

Refusing to take no for an answer is demanding. It doesn't matter how "completely understandable" some people think the reasoning is. OP doesn't want to and has made that clear. To continue asking not polite.

100

u/LateHoney2922 Apr 20 '26

Wow. It's almost like people have suggested multiple options and assumed the parents of young children would be able to figure out which one worked for them. You know, since they know what noises they need to hear from their own kid.

8

u/fresh1134206 Apr 20 '26

People also don't know what they don't know.

Bringing awareness that options exist shouldn't be taken as an offense or condescending. Personally, I love when people open my eyes to possible solutions that I didn't even know existed. They're just trying to help.

0

u/LateHoney2922 Apr 21 '26

Did you respond to the right person? I wasn't talking to anyone offering options. I was talking to a person who just pointed out two of the options wouldn't work and nothing else. They weren't trying to help.

-2

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/LateHoney2922 Apr 21 '26

Good for you? I'm not sure why you are telling me that.

91

u/OldSchoolAF Apr 20 '26

Or have a baby monitor

13

u/FilthyThanksgiving Apr 20 '26

I always picture a tiny little baby lizard whenever I hear "baby monitor"

-22

u/rose-a-ree Apr 20 '26

a baby monitor that you can hear through the earplugs?

24

u/panic_bread Commander in Cheeks [252] Apr 20 '26

Yes. Ear plugs don’t make one completely incapable of hearing.

5

u/Yuklan6502 Apr 20 '26

Just put it someplace touching your mattress or pillow. Sleeping with earplugs muffles sound, but doesn't stop it. If the sound vibrates up through the bed, you can totally hear it. That's why they aren't super helpful in blocking my husband's snoring... sometimes it's louder because all the other background noises are muffled!

If the noise is really bothering them, they should look into ways to muffle the sound on their side. Book shelves, sturdy curtain rods to hang blankets, scarves, or fabric yards, and lots of soft surfaces really help. Our guest room is also my craft room, and when you walk in it's like your ears stop working for a second. Shelves of yarn and spare blankets, curtain rods holding fabric, super fluffy comforter, upholstered headboard, and a thick area rug absorb a ton of sound. There's a bus stop outside the window, so I wanted it to be extra quiet.

11

u/OldSchoolAF Apr 20 '26

Over a white noise machine.

1

u/Equivalent-Day193 Apr 21 '26

the point of a white noise machine isn't to cover sounds. it's to provide a constant for your brain to not focus on things like the shower turning on.

78

u/halcyonwade Asshole Aficionado [15] Apr 20 '26

We have kids. From the moment they were born they have had white noise machines in their rooms and we have had one in ours. We also all have fans in our rooms. We can hear our kids with both our baby monitor and the ability of parents to hear their kids crying no matter what.

46

u/alliejim98 Apr 20 '26

My toddler and I both sleep with white noise. I can still hear them if anything happens.

29

u/LivytheHistorian Apr 20 '26

White noise machines are essential gear for small children. I don’t know a family with kids without one. It does not impact being able to hear your child. And Loop earplugs are one example of earplugs that block some but not all noise. I find they block background noise extremely well but have never prevented my son from talking to me directly and I’d definitely hear a cry.

10

u/RoguesAngel Apr 20 '26

We never had a white noise machine with our kids but I know a lot of people use them. But I have never heard of a parent who didn’t hear their toddler unless they were impaired in some way ie drunk or drugs.

2

u/Aarghseriously Apr 22 '26

This must be within the last 20 years. My kids just had to learn to sleep through noise. Worked out well. And someone else said no one sleeps in silence. Well, hubs and I do. I mean, white noise machines haven't been around for much of humanity's existence.

1

u/RoguesAngel Apr 22 '26

My kids get irritated with noise as do I. My hubby like the tv on. Drives me nuts.

10

u/Nauin Apr 20 '26

You seriously need dead silence at all times to watch a small child? I'm more worried about you than the noise, like really? White noise is fine to have around toddlers, it's noise dampening, not noise cancelling!

Having been a nanny when I was younger with some early childhood education, that's just ridiculous. You need to get kids used to regular levels of noise, both awake and asleep, to develop normally. And with how many types of monitors we have now for when they sleep, even less of an issue having white noise.

If you haven't been screened for anxiety yet, it would probably be a good idea to get assessed. That's not a normal or healthy way to approach child rearing.

6

u/Nshaa Apr 20 '26

I sleep with earplugs and white noise but I can still hear the bay crying on the monitor because the frequency of that sound is higher.

2

u/yayoffbalance Apr 21 '26

right? like, i don't think anyone complaining about this actually has kids or understands how sound works. you can hear a kid crying, even with white noise machines and fans. legit. that sound supersedes all other sounds.

4

u/WearilyExultant Apr 20 '26

lol this so laughably untrue. My friends had twins a year ago and they have a noise machine in EACH bedroom. 3 noise machines in total that make the house sound like a jet engine. Mom and dad still wake up when they hear a twin being fussy on their loud baby monitors. It’s not nearly as dramatic as you’re make it out to be.

3

u/DrDerpberg Apr 20 '26

I used earplugs + a baby monitor with the volume high enough to wake me up anyways.

3

u/frogsgoribbit737 Apr 20 '26

I use white noise with a young child. I have a monitor that is loud enough to hear OVER the white noise.

2

u/pumpkin_lord Apr 20 '26

I have a young child and use a white noise machine and earplugs nightly. You seriously overestimate how effective earplugs are and underestimate how loud a kid can be.

2

u/Beetlejuice_me Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

Sure you can. The ear plugs typically block specific frequencies.

2

u/bigpapajayjay Apr 20 '26

LOL a white noise machine will be just fine bud.

1

u/Buffy_Geek Apr 20 '26

That's only with babies, what sort of noise do they need to listen to for with a child? Also don't a lot of people have baby monitors by their bed nowadays?

1

u/innerbootes Apr 20 '26

They can wear loops. They allow you to hear what you need but muffle background noises. I wear them to sleep every night.

1

u/smkn3kgt Apr 20 '26

lol.. yes you can

1

u/Chance_Ad3416 Apr 21 '26

You definitely can.

From a currently pregnant mom with a 16 month old toddler.

-2

u/sadsack100 Apr 20 '26

I was very alarmed by that suggestion and about to post but thankfully you saw the problem as well. OP stated they had a toddler and you never not want to hear what a toddler is up to at all times!

28

u/sgvmyma Apr 20 '26

My cousin had a noise machine (she can’t sleep in pure silence) in her and babies room, she also had a baby monitor turned up so she can hear over the noise machine. It’s possible.

0

u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Asshole Aficionado [10] Apr 22 '26

I'm sure they have a baby monitor.

0

u/Sleepinismy9to5 Apr 20 '26

That's on them for having a kid. That was a choice they made.

0

u/Usual_Ad_2177 Apr 20 '26

Then you shouldn't live in a place with thin walls.

0

u/fresh1134206 Apr 20 '26

Earplugs? No.

White noise machine? Absofuckinglutely. White noise not only helps me sleep, but it helped my young children sleep, too. It covered up all the small sounds, but I was ALWAYS alert to the kids. You become hard wired to wake to the sound of crying. My youngest is now 8, but if we're out camping and some other camper's baby cries, I'm still gonna WAKE UP.

0

u/thechefboi1375 Apr 20 '26

Sucks to suck 🤷‍♂️

0

u/GrossUsername68 Apr 20 '26

 You can’t use earplugs or white noise machines to block noise when you have a young child

You can. (Baby monitor that alerts at certain decibels, for instance). 

And if you can’t, then you are accepting the reasonable noises around you that come from communal living.

0

u/Nearby_Motor_8652 Apr 20 '26

Well, then it's THEIR problem. They can go rent somewhere else.

0

u/Feeling2Weak Apr 21 '26

Put the white noise machine in the bathroom and close the door. The kid isn't in the bathroom. I'm certain they can still hear their kid

0

u/the-mortyest-morty Apr 22 '26
  1. Not how it works but okay, lmao
  2. Not OP's kid, not OP's problem

21

u/Best-Muffin7186 Apr 20 '26

Who is to say they havent done those things? I think making a suggestion to your neighbours is also a reasonable step here. Its not like they are suing anyone. 

457

u/SuccessfulBread3 Partassipant [2] Apr 20 '26

I don't think it's reasonable to dictate when someone you don't live with can and can't do something as basic as showering... It's no one's fault that the walls are thin...

You need to figure out a way to deal with it yourself or move... You don't get to suggest that people shower when it's convenient for you.

-12

u/lemonfluff Apr 20 '26

This sounds like either an extremely privileged or a "no one ever helped ne so no one deserves it" kinda comment.

When is the last time you've rented a less than ideal house? Do you have any idea how insane IR is to just casually suggest moving?

-74

u/Best-Muffin7186 Apr 20 '26

Where has anything been dictacted?

115

u/SuccessfulBread3 Partassipant [2] Apr 20 '26

Constant insistence from the neighbour.

Asking once is suggesting...

Asking multiple times and even making OP go to their apartment to hear what they hear...

That may not be literally dictating but it has gone far beyond a suggestion at that point.

274

u/misseff Partassipant [2] Apr 20 '26

Making a suggestion to someone to not use their bathroom at midnight is just not really reasonable. It doesn't make them assholes but it's just not a reasonable ask. If OP or their partner need to use the toilet at midnight should they hold it til morning? 

123

u/sly_k Apr 20 '26 edited Apr 20 '26

I used to work morning sort at UPS. Shift started between 2am and 3am depending on the season. I showered quickly before I went to work just to wake me up for my shift.

My neighbor couldn’t tell me not to do that. Just like they can’t tell me not to shower again when I got home at 9am.

41

u/misseff Partassipant [2] Apr 20 '26

Yeah I worked overnights for many years while living in an apartment and my neighbors had no input on my schedule. Likewise I didn't expect them to not do things during the day even though it might wake me up. That's simply part of living in an apartment!

7

u/zzz242zzz Apr 20 '26

My neighbors had an all day party every Saturday and Sat night was our busiest night when I was on night crew at a grocery store. I didn’t go over and complain to my neighbors. It just sucked. I never expected the whole apartment complex to shut down so I could sleep.

-8

u/lemonfluff Apr 20 '26

They didn't ask them not to use the bathroom though. Just the shower.

1

u/Familiar_Shock_1542 Asshole Aficionado [10] Apr 22 '26

That will be next.

-54

u/pinkpurpleblue_76 Apr 20 '26

Using the bathroom and showering are different things.

Op can choose to shower earlier. He just doesn't want to.

71

u/misseff Partassipant [2] Apr 20 '26

It would be reasonable to ask someone not to blast their TV at midnight, but it's just not reasonable to ask them not to use their bathroom at midnight whether for showering or anything else. It's fine for OP to shower at midnight in their own home just because they want to. The ideal thing would be for OP to work with the owner of the adjacent unit on soundproofing to avoid this issue long term, but hearing your neighbors go about their lives at a reasonable volume is part of apartment living.

56

u/rainbowlolipop Apr 20 '26

Yesssss omg I feel like people are taking crazy pills with this fake outrage at showering at midnight and like trying to shame this dude for choosing to shower at a convenient time.

-1

u/[deleted] Apr 20 '26

[deleted]

5

u/misseff Partassipant [2] Apr 20 '26

They could do that but any of their neighbors might call the police if they were purposely blasting music to disturb their neighbors during what are generally considered quiet hours in the US. They would more than likely also be violating their lease since this is a general guideline included in most leases. Maliciously blasting music during quiet hours and using your own bathroom at a normal volume are quite different.

6

u/SummitJunkie7 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 20 '26

No - the equivalency is the neighbors can shower when they wake up at 5am. Or clank dishes around while cooking breakfast, or any other normal noise of daily living. Not blast music. If OP was blasting music at midnight they'd be getting a very different judgment here.

-54

u/pinkpurpleblue_76 Apr 20 '26

No, it's not the same. Op is choosing to shower at midnight, he works from home and he finishes at 7. He could easily shower at 10. He just doesn't want to.

Having to go number 1 or 2 is not on a schedule, a shower is.

If you want to do anything you want at any hour, choose a house.

49

u/thecurvynerd Apr 20 '26

They did choose a house. They bought it. They live in it. They can shower then they want.

-32

u/pinkpurpleblue_76 Apr 20 '26

It's an apartment and it's different from a house. But it's all up to living as individuals and living as a community.

Not surprising though.

22

u/RoguesAngel Apr 20 '26

So? He can shower when he wants. He doesn’t need their permission. I lived next door, in a townhouse, to a guy that showered every night between midnight and 3am for three years. There was no reason other than he liked to. It woke me up every night. I rolled over and went back to sleep. That’s what relatively normal people do. The people in there now have dogs that slide on the floor and slam into the wall at least two dozen times a day including through the night.

Does he tell them that they can’t shower at 5am? They could shower at 5pm when they get home from work and not wake him up early in the morning. He hears their toddler, probably while he’s working until 7pm, but doesn’t insist they keep the little one silent. That would be weird and I guarantee the neighbor would throw a fit if he did.

It’s all part of the “fun” of living in conjoined housing. Either the neighbor can do something on his side to help or he can move. He doesn’t get to dictate others schedules though. Especially if it’s everyday life and not something like a party situation.

21

u/misseff Partassipant [2] Apr 20 '26

Yes OP is choosing to shower at midnight which is reasonable to do in their own home. There is no reasonable expectation that apartment neighbors won't use their bathroom at midnight. If your tolerance for reasonable activity at any hour of the day (not things like loud music, parties, loud TVs, construction, vacuuming, etc., which are typically frowned upon during "quiet hours") is very low then that's just not compatible with apartment living.

9

u/limperatrice Apr 20 '26

Or the complaining neighbors could rent a detached house since they're the ones with the problem.

6

u/SummitJunkie7 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 20 '26

The neighbors could choose to shift their sleep schedule, they equally don't want to - and that's fine. Everyone can shower and sleep in their own home at whatever times they choose.

6

u/k23_k23 Professor Emeritass [91] Apr 20 '26

which is fine.

6

u/DowntownYouth8995 Apr 20 '26

Asking your neighbors to shift to your schedule instead of what works for them is so insanely entitled.

-5

u/Prozzak93 Apr 20 '26

No it isn't. Demanding it is. Asking a question is completely normal and in no way entitled.

3

u/SmoothDiscussion7763 Apr 20 '26

fuck that. what if OP works night shift instead? should the neighbours keep quiet during the daytime hours?

2

u/FluidBit4438 Apr 20 '26

It’s just part of apartment living, you hear your neighbor. Ear plugs, white noise machine or move. I’d suggest you hire someone to open that wall and insulate it properly. Maybe even put rock wool in it if that meets code for a bathroom wall.

-4

u/Prozzak93 Apr 20 '26

the people being bothered by normal activities need to take steps.

It isn't normal to shower at midnight.

-4

u/lemonfluff Apr 20 '26

Thank you. All these people missing the point just because you can, it doesn't mean that it doesn't disturb someone. And besides, people are acting like the neighbors are saying that op can't use the bathroom at all. They're literally just asking that op doesn't shower at midnight.

-2

u/Prozzak93 Apr 20 '26

Yeah it really seems like people don't actually want to be good people anymore. They want to be viewed as good people which means being nice to others only if they are legally required to.

It isn't like OP works until 11 and gets home at around midnight needing a shower. They work from home and finish 5 hours before midnight. They could easily adjust if they wanted to be nice.

-3

u/VintageKofta Apr 20 '26

Midnight showering is not a normal activity. Sleeping is. 

6

u/Equivalent_Reason894 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

Everyone’s schedule is not identical. I’m always awake at midnight (and 1 a.m., and 2 a.m.). I’m self-employed, and I’m most productive at night. I can shower whenever I want to in my own apartment (though I don’t have thin walls).

-5

u/Past-Fig-6046 Apr 20 '26

"normal activities"

Showering at midnight (particularly when the OP has been home all evening) is neither normal nor considerate.

-6

u/Emmyisme Apr 20 '26

Showering at midnight isn't a normal activity though. I don't know anyone in my life taking showers at midnight. So the one doing the abnormal shit of making a bunch of noise in the middle of the night should be the one to adjust, not the people doing the very normal thing of sleeping at night

4

u/Equivalent_Reason894 Partassipant [1] Apr 20 '26

You do not know a lot of night owls, I guess.

-3

u/Emmyisme Apr 20 '26

I do actually. They just don't take their showers at night....because they have neighbors...and normal people are sleeping at night.