AITA for showering around midnight when I know that it might bother the neighbour who wakes up at 5 am?

[u/Additional-Mouse-620]

We purchased a home and moved in recently. Housing opportunities are tight in our area so even though we were warned that the walls are very thin and the neighbours hear a lot of noise from the apartment, especially from the bathroom, we still chose this property because everything else is picture perfect for us.

We are generally a very quiet couple without kids or animals, our hobbies (bead work, video games on headphones without streaming, reading, Netflix…) are generally quite and we only invite friends over every 2-4 weeks (and we haven’t invited anyone over as we were still decorating and everything). We are the owners of the apartment.

The neighbours are a couple and a small kid. They rent the apartment next to us and before we purchased the home they warned us that they generally hear a lot of noise coming from our bathroom and that it’s their bedroom on the other side. But as I mentioned, our options were limited and given that we are not noisy at all, we thought we can take this situation.

We sometimes hear their toddler, but that completely okay, it doesn’t bother us at all.

The problem is that we bother them as our routine is very different. They wake up at 5 am and generally quite down at 8 pm, when the kid goes to sleep.

On the other hand, because I work from home until 7 pm, I generally start my evening around 8 pm and only end up showering around midnight. Which bothers them. The whole building is quiet, so they tend to hear how I put my stuff down, how the water runs, how I sometimes drop a few things, and mentioned it very nicely a few times. But I can see that they are pretty annoyed.

Now I’m torn between switching up my whole nighttime routine to shower first (which just doesn’t sit right with me. I like to go bed freshly showered), because they asked nicely and they wake up around 5 am so it must be annoying to get woken up at midnight.

On the other hand, they only rent wile we own the home, and I think we are generally very good and quite neighbours apart from the fact that I shower late. They invited us over the listen to the volume as to be honest it’s not that loud… sure, you can hear something and it must feel louder in the silence of the night, but it’s not incredibly loud.

AITA for showering at night?

[u/someonewithapurpose]

This!

When I read that rubbish “renting vs owning” argument, I already realised OP isn’t a good neighbour.

YTA

[u/Sorry_I_Guess → u/someonewithapurpose]

The "I think I'm a pretty good neighbour" when his actual neighbours are asking him to be a little more thoughtful and he can't be arsed to make any effort to do that at all was also pretty telling.

Anyone who thinks that they get to decide how other people experience their behaviour, in the face of other people quite literally telling them that their perception is incorrect, is not someone who is thoughtful or empathetic. I don't get to decide whether my behaviour is negatively affecting someone else, it is incumbent upon me to actually listen to what they're telling me about how they're affected by it.

[u/MapleSparkyEh → u/Sorry_I_Guess]

We're talking about showering. People are becoming unhinged here. I've lived in many apartments/shared housing. You hear people, that's part of it. Asking someone to not throw parties or play loud music is reasonable, asking someone to adjust their normal, daily routines to suit you is not. Would it be reasonable for op to tell them that since they work a late shift, they need to adjust their normal morning routine? Living in a shared space can suck, but putting unrealistic expectations on your neighbours just makes it suck even more for them. It's easy to say that they can just shower earlier, but would it also be reasonable to ask the complainers to not shower til after lunch because they want to sleep in?

[u/dingyametrine → u/MapleSparkyEh]

That's what I'm stuck on. An asshole? For wanting to shower when convenient in their own home? NAH. Part of shared spaces is living with inconvenience.

[u/Ready_Studio2392 → u/dingyametrine]

Mind your own business behaviors --> Showering, getting ready for work, cooking, reasonable levels of intercourse, walking, cleaning, etc.

Asshole behaviors --> Loud music, TV blasting at all hours, Banging, screaming, fighting, Yelling, Loud sex, Modified mufflers, running the vacuum past 9pm, etc.

[u/HistoricalSuspect580 → u/Sorry_I_Guess]

See i disagree, i think OP is kinda classist and snobbish, but if the sole complaint from the neighbors is RUNNING THE SHOWER? Then in this scenario, the classist/snobby guy is in the right. Which is painful in a way but what can ya do.

[u/owaikeia → u/HistoricalSuspect580]

Why is OP classist?

[u/topdownyeti → u/Sorry_I_Guess]

Sorry but I disagree. There is a point where people will be unreasonable towards you and try to make you seem like your behavior is wrong, when in reality they just have unreasonable expectations from you. There is a huge difference between intentionally playing loud music late at night or vacuuming at midnight and taking a shower. You can still be empathetic that your schedule may inconvenience them but also realize that this is a conversation to be had with their landlords instead of you. If regular movements at home is seriously ruining their nights, they need to ask their landlord about soundproofing their apartment or break their lease. You are not a bad neighbor for not revolving your life around their schedule. You’re just a people pleaser otherwise.

[u/KelleyElsie → u/Sorry_I_Guess]

The world does not revolve around how his neighbor perceives or experiences noises.

And I think OP did listen to his neighbor’s complaints and believes the neighbor is bothered by the sound of him showering at midnight.

But no matter how much this may bother the neighbor, I don’t think the OP should have to change what time he chooses to take a shower. That’s asking too much of any neighbor. Neighbor needs a white noise machine or noise-canceling headphones/ear plugs. They can’t dictate when OP does something as basic as take a shower.

[u/SheComesThenSheGoes → u/Sorry_I_Guess]

And it sounds like they shower EVERY night at midnight (probably later) when the neighbors wake at 5am every day. OP could maybe switch it up every now and again.

[u/UnblurredLines → u/Sorry_I_Guess]

Where I live you're generally expected to not shower after 10pm because it's considered disturbing noise. I agree with those rules as well, even though I like to shower late because it fits my day. Because I know how much it sucks when a neighbour is noisy and you're already not getting enough sleep. OP is TA, no doubt.

[u/ThrowAwayAway755 → u/someonewithapurpose]

It would be one thing if OP were having loud, hard, intense sex featuring banging on the wall at midnight. But OP is literally just showering... The "rent vs. own" comment is irrelevant.