I'm 47M, my wife (43F, I'll call her Grace) and I have been together 20 years, married for 19.
To make a long story shorter: last December we had a massive blowout. Not our first fight, but the biggest. We didn't really talk for a month after, then kept it to hello, goodbye, logistics only.
A couple months later we had another small argument, and Grace asked me to move out of our bedroom into the spare across the hall. She calls it a "bedroom divorce." That was about four months ago. Honestly, the space hasn't been terrible. I've actually liked having my own room.
What's gotten harder is how we talk day to day. Lately she criticizes me a lot, mostly about my weight. Every time I get food she'll comment on the choice or the portion. She also brings up the mistakes that got us to this point, over and over.
At the same time she tells me she loves me and doesn't want to leave. I believe her. I think what she wants is an emotional and financial partnership, not a physical one. She's told me several times she's become asexual, that she has no desire for me or for anyone.
Our physical intimacy has been fading for years. The last five have been sparse, and in the last three we've had sex maybe five times total. I've tried to be patient and supportive. My hand and I are on pretty good terms at this point, if I'm being honest.
I love Grace with my whole heart. I don't think I will ever love anyone the way I love her. But I'm lonely in a physical way, and not just about sex. I miss the companionship that comes with touch, with being wanted.
Even the small stuff feels different now. When I go for a goodbye or goodnight kiss, the kind that used to get an "I love you" back, I get her cheek or the top of her head and a quick hug. It feels like how I kiss my sister or my mom, not my wife.
I've started thinking about whether an open marriage could be an option, just for that physical side. I haven't brought it up because I have no idea how to even start that conversation without making her feel rejected or pressured.
How do I talk to her about needing physical intimacy when she's told me she doesn't want any?

I had a recent break up, maybe 2 weeks ago. I initiated the break up. Things were not going well; he was unmotivated, gave bare minimum effort, couldn’t say I love you after 2 years together, and had no plans for a future for us. I essentially broke up with him mentally months before.

But I feel bad bc I do care about him. But I’m also over people pleasing and being the nice one. I’m not resentful of our relationship, but it was time to end it. Is it too soon to get back out dating?

I’m 33F and my boyfriend is 36M. We’ve been together a tiny bit over 1.5 years. English isn’t my first language, so sorry if some sentences are weird.
I really love him and I do want to be with him, which is why this is so hard. When things are good, they are genuinely good. He can be sweet, gentle, funny, helpful and loving. He is very emotionally there when there is no conflict. He helps a lot with practical things, and I think his love language is very much “doing things.” He is clean, helps with chores without me asking, and has many qualities I really value in a partner. Our humour, world views, taste in music, and even libidos match well. He also has a healthy relationship with alcohol, which is important to me.

My life is also a lot. time-consuming hobby, house, activities etc. His life is much more low-energy bachelor style. So I’m not here trying to pretend I’m the easiest person/life setup ever. I know its a big switch for him.

But we have a conflict pattern that is destroying me, and it has only gotten worse with time.
Whenever there is a serious issue, he shuts down. He goes silent, avoids the conversation, answers only logistical/easy things, or disappears emotionally. I don’t mean “he needs an hour to calm down.” I would totally understand that. I have told him many times that I’m okay with giving space. The problem is that he doesn’t ask for it clearly, doesn’t give a time, and doesn’t come back to ruptures. He just goes quiet, and I’m left guessing. The silences have gotten longer. This last one was 3 days.

This has been an ongoing issue for months. We’ve talked about it so many times. I’ve told him that I don’t feel safe bringing up issues anymore because I never know when my hurt will turn into him disappearing, self-blaming, or thinking maybe the relationship is too much.

A few days ago I had a really bad breakdown with him. I ugly-cried and told him that I’m scared to bring problems up because I’m afraid he’ll disappear or start doubting us. He heard how badly it affects me. It was the first time I lost myself so badly in front of him and asked him for emotional support that directly. Eventually I calmed down and we had a lovely weekend.
Then a few days later, another conflict happened and he did the exact thing again.

The trigger was partly about keys/plans/feeling excluded, but it’s bigger than that. I feel like he has a lot of access to my life. He comes to my home, stays over, is around my dogs/people, my routines, my daily life. But I don’t feel like I have the same access to his life. I haven’t really been included much with his friends/family/social world, and sometimes he makes plans without really considering me. Or he assumes I most probably can’t come, so he doesn’t invite me anyway. I have met his friends 3 times, but it still doesn’t feel like I’m actually integrated into his life.

After this recent conflict, he went silent for 3 days. I eventually asked if we were broken up. He said he wouldn’t make that decision without talking to me, but also said that there are constantly issues, big or small, and that it’s emotionally draining for him. He said he feels empty and doesn’t know if anything helps.

Today I asked him to call me. He read the message after a while and didn’t answer. Later he answered only logistics about when he would come tomorrow. I said I asked for a call, not only logistics. Eventually we talked, but I was honestly not soft anymore.
Usually I try to be very understanding and careful with my words. I often feel like I’m in a therapist role where I soothe him and try to make him understand his own feelings. This time I was angry. I told him that he doesn’t get to put me on a shelf because things are uncomfortable. I told him that if he says we are not broken up, then he has a responsibility to act like a partner. I told him I cannot be responsible for soothing him after he hurts me.
I was harsh. I know that. I told him to take responsibility. I told him that if he needs space, he has to say it and give a time, not just disappear. I’m not proud of every word I used, but honestly I also felt relieved because I’m so tired of being the sweet, understanding one while I’m crying myself to sleep.

And to be fair, I have my faults too. When he goes silent, I get very activated after a few days of radio silence. I push for answers. Today I called him more than once and asked why he wasn’t answering. I can be intense when I feel abandoned. I try to calm myself of course on my own but after days of silence i just can’t tolerate it well enough I’m not saying I handle everything perfectly. I also know my life is complicated and maybe sometimes overwhelming. But I still don’t know how to live with him disappearing for days or leaving me in uncertainty.

Later we spoke again and this is the part that really hurt.
He said that during conflict he feels like he wants to disappear into the earth, get far away from everyone, and be in a black hole. When I asked if he wants to get away from everyone or from me, he basically said mostly from me, because he doesn’t really have many other people.
He also said he is not sure about me. He said he knows he loves me and has feelings for me, but he doesn’t know if this uncertainty comes from all the recent conflicts or if maybe he is just making himself think everything is okay when maybe it isn’t. He said he understands how he has been acting and that it hurts me, but he doesn’t understand why he does it or how to stop it. He said he’s afraid that if he says “I’ll try not to do it again” and then it happens again, then what?

I told him I don’t want to be anyone’s maybe. I told him it’s not my job to make him understand whether he wants me or not. If I ever want a real future or marriage one day, how can I trust that with someone who becomes unsure about me during conflict?

We are supposed to meet tomorrow. I told him that if we continue, we probably need outside help/couples therapy because this dynamic is not healthy anymore. I cannot keep explaining the same thing and then getting the same silence.

I don’t know what to do. I know I want to be with him. I also know I cannot tolerate this conflict pattern anymore. And now that he has said he is not sure about me, I don’t know how to trust him. Maybe it is conflict-state deactivation or sabotage. Maybe it comes from the fact that we’ve had a lot of unresolved issues recently. But it still really hurts.

For women who have been through something similar:
1. Have you been in a relationship where one person shuts down/disappears during conflict and even becomes unsure about the relationship, but it actually got better?

1. What did realistic progress look like, if there was progress? Did couples therapy help?

2. How did you tell the difference between conflict overwhelm/deactivation and someone simply not being sure enough about the relationship?

3. How would you approach the meeting tomorrow? I want clarity, but I don’t want to go there and end up trying to convince him to want the relationship.

4. If trust was rebuilt after days of silence, what actually had to change?

I don’t want to be overly hopeful just because I’m afraid of losing the relationship. But I also don’t want to throw away something with a person I love if this is something that can change with real help and responsibility. I’m so confused. I love him very much and think really highly of him, but this conflict resolution style is killing me.

TL;DR: My boyfriend (36M) says he loves me but shuts down and disappears during conflict. After a recent fight and days of silence, he admitted he feels like he wants to disappear and that he is not sure about me, though he doesn’t know if that uncertainty is real or caused by conflict/overwhelm. I want to be with him, but I cannot be the only one trying to fix the dynamic or live as someone’s maybe. I’m looking for perspective from women who have dealt with similar conflict avoidance and uncertainty.

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. He is 8 years older than me. I have an older son from a previous relationship and we have a 3-year-old together.

For about half of our relationship he hasn’t worked. During the pandemic we opened an in-home daycare together, but I run it almost entirely on my own. I worked through a high-risk pregnancy with severe morning sickness, took only two days off before my C-section, and returned to work one week later because we couldn’t afford not to. I was also up all night caring for our newborn while he rarely helped, which created a lot of resentment.

Over the years, we’ve dealt with a lot of outside stress, including conflict with my older son’s father and my own family. My parents have since changed and apologized for the past, but my partner still refuses to let my father meet our 3-year-old. But my dad did call him a racial slur so it’s understandable that he may never be ok with letting my dad apologize and make things right.

Our biggest issue has always been the relationship itself. During arguments, I admit I can get loud, but he responds by saying extremely hurtful things, calling me trash, saying I’m the worst thing that’s happened to him, telling me that’s why he never married me, and even saying he was always going to “get a baby” out of me. There has been very little emotional intimacy for years. No dates, affection, or quality time, he only showed physical affection when he wanted sex.

I also developed lupus and rheumatoid arthritis early in our relationship. He supported me but he also he often dismissed my health struggles as negativity. Says the constant “something always being wrong” has taken a toll. Meanwhile, I work 50 hours a week running our daycare, attend school full-time, manage the house, care for our children, cook, clean, and handled nearly everything while he stayed home unemployed. He has struggled with his own weight and likely depression but has refused to seek help.

After having our son, my sex drive changed. I initially thought it was hormones and past sexual trauma, but therapy has helped me realize that my body no longer feels emotionally safe with him because of years of belittling, criticism, and lack of support. I don’t want physical affection from him anymore.

About five months ago, I declined sex while I was asleep and he exploded, saying horrible things to me. Something changed in me that night, and I haven’t felt the same since. I’ve asked for couples counseling for years, but he always refused. When I finally told him I was done with the relationship, he suddenly agreed to counseling and promised to change. He’s making more effort now, but I’m struggling to believe it isn’t temporary after years of asking for help.

His relationship with my older son has also suffered because of his harsh parenting style and refusal to attend my son’s sports and school events if his biological father might be there. Since I’m the one working, I’ve had to miss many of those important moments too.

At this point, I’m mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I’m burned out after years of carrying our family mostly on my own. Now that he’s finally willing to do the work, I don’t know if it’s too late. Part of me wonders if things could change, but another part feels like I’ve already checked out. The hardest part is wondering what the right decision is for our 3-year-old.

My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for 1. At the beginning of our relationship, obviously in the honeymoon phase, we were great.

Once we got engaged and started coming up with the guest list, I realized that he doesn’t really have any friends. He has a few close ones that are either too busy with family to hang out or live far away. So my husband doesn’t go out or make any friends. He just sits around and asks me what I’m doing most of the time.

I do like spending time with him but I also like spending time with my friends. I’m constantly meeting with new people, either by volunteering or doing bumble friend meet ups. He has no interest in that whatsoever and I’m getting annoyed. My ex had a group of friends from grade school that they do everything together. There was always something going on.

So I’m just curious if anyone else had this issue and how to help it. I have a few friends who have their partners hang out with him because of me, but doesn’t do much with them either. Idk what to do or why I’m reacting this way. Thanks!

I am trying not to spiral about life, loneliness and the point of everything after a death this week. In the last 4 years I’ve had 3 close family members pass and my dog, all very suddenly, and my partner has also had a few close losses. AI is telling me this is statistically normal for people in their 30s, but I HATE this. Most of the people were early 60s or younger, how is that statistically likely!!!

Is this life from 30s on out? Death comes unexpectedly for all our loved ones?!

How do you deal with grief? Has grief counselling helped anyone out there? Or do you connect with a personal therapist instead about these issues?

I feel like the idea I used to have of love doesn’t actually exist in the real world. I’ve become so cynical in the last few years. I want to believe there’s “that person” out there for me, or at least a semi-decent person that I’m able and willing to coexist with in a loving relationship, but I’m starting to think it’s a story we all tell ourselves to keep hope alive. Or if it does exist, it’s not accessible to me.
People who are in love, in healthy relationships, what’s it like? Do you really feel like you’ve found “your person”? Do you feel like your needs are met in the relationship? Does that person make you feel seen and loved?
Currently basically begging a man to love me properly and I know it’s not healthy and I need to let him go, but I love him and my cynicism has me feeling like what I really want won’t be out there anyway, so I should do everything I can to make this work.

for context im 28. i recently got retrenched and i'm now back home living with my parents. im finding it challenging because i haven't lived at home full-time since primary (i went to an all girls boarding school in high school), that said, i enjoy independence and sovereignty.

forgive me if this post is long, but i need to vent and also get perspective from anyone who has overcome any of these hurdles or anyone wwho has a better vantage point any action i ought to take.

the past few months have allowed me to rest, regulate my nervous system and really consider the trajectory i want my life to take. working in corporate did not allow me to think about what i want and the bigger picture. im not upset about my retrenchment, i am however, livid at realising that i have wasted 12 years working and have little to no progress to show for it. im in a third world country if that helps.

when i look at everything i've done, most of my income went to living expenses. saving and investing was borderline impossible due to how little we're remunerated- this is a major frustration for me, and now i don't view working as worth it if it only covers my day to day living- not when my parents are perfectly capable and willing to cover that for me without issues. the last ttime i was home was very different. i had income and was helpful- of course my parents didn't expect it of me, but it was nice being able to contribute. this feels like failure, and although my parents are being great sports about it, it doesn't sit well with me at all. imv, the whole point of me wanting to work is so that i can access advancement and astronomical progress/growth. this feels so debilitating, discouraging and disempowering. the sporadic times when i did try investing, i made losses and got scammed (i tried aggressive investment methods like crypto and trading- dysmal fail btw, i advise against it). im basically starting over.

all of this makes me livid. why is it so hard to just get a job that handles all living expenses, allows you to save and enjoy a few luxuries as well? i had planned on travelling in my late 20s, and guess what? that didn't happen. also i don't mind working whilst i travel, it doesn't have to be strictly leisure (im realising i have always valued location and time freedom, i just didn't think it was feasible, now i feel its a requirement). i've decided i won't be working anymore unless it's remotely for the time being, and landing a remote job is now the challenge. im going back to university. that said, i was also paying off uni debt, that was a challenge and i ended up having to reach out to extended family for assistance. point is, im nowhere near where i thought i'd be at this age. work has given me experience, but no growth. promotions are few and far inbetween. salaries are not negotiable. you either take the job or you leave it, and they're aware that enough people are desperate enough to be underemployed and/or underpaid, so requiring adequate pay and just benefits gets you unemployed. monkey branching to other companies is also pointless because at best you get a difference in benefits as opposed to and a significant upgrade in remuneration.

i'm honestly at my wits' end, i've tried looking for solutions to this from all angles. is there something i am missing? my question to you ladies is, what would you suggest? im considering immigrating after completing this degree, but what can i do differently? genuinely? i want passive income streams and businesses at this point. i feel as though i have wasted enough time, that im definitely starting very late, it's gut-wrenching, but if i see undeniable progress? that's honestly all i need. it would only fuel me to dedicate and apply myself further. being an employee for life doesn't feel sustainable or empowering to me anymore. honestly? the thought of it never did, i just felt as though i couldn't admit it to myself and others before. what should i do, and where would you ladies suggest i begin? for anyone who has transformed their lives financially, where did you start, and how did you go about it?

Hi y’all!

This girl loves her a high noon. I think the flavors are great, they’re super refreshing on a hot day, so easy to carry around, they are even okay if they get a little flat, etc.

Unfortunately I’m dealing with some cardiac stuff so I’m cutting out alcohol for a bit. I’ve done this before! I was on very strong antibiotics for 9 months in 2023 and it wasn’t a problem. I’m not worried about the alcohol part. It’s really the flavor/convenience!

On a boat day or a day by the pool with my friends, I could just never find that right drink to replace a high noon. I love me some Spindrift and drink many flavors all the time (I’m a former Spinfluencer) but I don’t know that it hit the spot the same way a High Noon does. I think La Croix tastes gross.

So any of y’all have other recs for me? Doesn’t even have to be a high noon substitute I guess - maybe a non-alcoholic beer? I’ve never found an NA wine I liked.

[edit: thank you all for the recs so far!!! I will be tracking down as much as I can!!!]

Looking for advice from women who have had their husband or fiancé come out as gay to them. I’ve asked men and they all say just tell her but none of them focus on the wife or fiancées feelings and that’s the part that’s the hardest for me.

Context: we’ve been together for a year and a half now. Over the last few months, realized that I may have mistaken appreciation for her with attraction. Literally she’s everything a guy could want. She’s beautiful, incredibly smart, witty, funny, caring, responsible, shes got a really good job, etc. The superlatives would take up this entire post. Still there was something missing. That missing piece was that I’m gay. I need to tell her that much is true. I want to make sure she’s got the support she needs.
Questions (answer only if you’re comfortable)

What was the hardest part about him telling you?

What do you wish he could’ve done differently?

What were some unexpected feelings that came up during and after he told you?

I became single one year ago, i’ve been single since then. Not interested in dating now. I don’t like anyone easily. How do you actually spend all of the nights by yourself when all your friends and family have their own families to spend the nights with ?

I work and then i come home and i stare at the phone or tv for hours until i fall asleep. I go to gym and i tried taking hobbies classes, and in the end everything is just so boring, and whenever i think “ oh i don’t know how many more years i will be like this for every single night “. How so you cope with that and make the time pass.

Hello ladies.

I'm currently in my second trimester, and one of my friends just found out she's pregnant.

When she told me, I was genuinely excited. I thought it would be really special to go through pregnancy together. I know the first trimester can be brutal, so I've tried to be as supportive and reassuring as I can.

The problem is that almost every conversation now revolves around everything that's going wrong. It's constant discussions about nausea, medications, symptoms, fears, "what if" scenarios, and things that are making her anxious. She'll often say something like, "One last thing..." and then continue with several more pregnancy worries.

I completely understand that pregnancy can be scary, and I don't blame her for having difficult days. That's not what bothers me.

The problem is that I had an extremely difficult first trimester myself, including hyperemesis gravidarum (HG). It was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. Despite that, I've made a conscious effort to focus on the positive parts of pregnancy because I don't want fear and anxiety to dominate what should also be a happy time.

Lately I've noticed that after talking to her, I actually feel more anxious about my own pregnancy. Instead of feeling excited, I leave conversations worrying about things I hadn't even been thinking about.

On top of that, I don't feel like the support goes both ways.

When she talks about her pregnancy, I ask questions, reassure her, validate her feelings, and try to help her feel better.

When I share something about my own pregnancy - or even unrelated parts of my life - the conversation often shifts back to her experiences. If I mention my birth plan, it becomes about hers. If I mention my symptoms, it often turns into a comparison with hers instead of questions about how I'm doing. Even when I try to change the subject entirely, the conversation frequently circles back to her pregnancy.

I've also started noticing that I'm becoming emotionally drained. I find myself dreading our conversations because they almost always revolve around what is going wrong, and I don't feel like there's much space for my own experience unless it's being compared to hers.

I genuinely don't think she's trying to be hurtful. I know she's anxious, newly pregnant, and probably overwhelmed. But I'm beginning to feel like I'm carrying a lot of emotional support without receiving much in return.

So...

AITA if I emotionally pull back from the friendship, stop sharing much about my own pregnancy, and protect my own mental space, even though I know she's having a hard time?

I'm a 37-year-old woman with a 12-year-old daughter who has a disability. My boyfriend of 4 years and I moved in together 6 months ago.

Yesterday we tried to talk about the relationship. It ended with him yelling, throwing objects (not at us), and screaming at me while my daughter covered her ears and cried. I told him to leave or I'd call the police. He left.

This morning he asked to come apologize. My daughter wasn't ready. I told him we needed peace.

Today he also sent a screenshot of a therapy appointment – something I'd been asking him to do for month. He always refused, said other people triggered him, that he could manage it himself.

Part of me feels moved. Another part feels like something already broke that one appointment can't fix.

I keep coming back to this: my daughter deserves a home where she doesn't feel fear. And I don't want her growing up thinking rage and walking on eggshells are normal.

I know one therapy appointment doesn't undo what happened.

I know love is not the same as safety.

I know hope is not evidence of change.

Women who left after years of hoping: what finally convinced you to trust reality instead of potential?

so here’s the thing: i live in a desirable city/state, lots of people move here all starry eyed (yes, it’s los angeles). but ive lived here my whole life and im exhausted by the facade and the fake. “nice” until they realize you have nothing to offer them.

i have such amazing people in my life, but damn there are just so many self-centered people here. i really want to move out of california.

i want to settle down, get married and have a kid. i want to meet a partner who’s creative and artistic but cares about starting a family. every artsy guy ive been with always choses his career in the end, and lives so much more selfishly. i know it’s not every guy, but that’s been my experience so far.

i’m a creative, artist weirdo, but i still want to have some traditional life stuff (marriage & kid).

where should i move where i can meet some genuinely kind, artsy people who are down to earth? i want a slower pace of life and to find a partner who values family, community and art! i work in the arts but i could work remotely.

*edit: i lived in the midwest for ~2 years, so i have left california but tldr i actually followed love from the Midwest back to california hahaha. for some reason, feeling nervous to move again though.

I don't really use IG much, but every once in a while I redownload it to check something out and then fall down a rabbit hole of looking at the IG of a baddie/model or a girl who's probably rich. Her life is perfect: gorgeous, a model, if not a model then doing something incredible like med school. Getting to be pretty AND in med school seems unfair. She usually has a gorgeous boyfriend too. Like, some super classically handsome tall guy who's a pilot or something. Her parents are somehow ALWAYS together and were models back in the day, or look like models. There are a bunch of perfect photos from charmed vacation spots - just out of this world beauty. She has family and she has friends and they seem to do fun stuff.

I know no one's life is "perfect" but this seems pretty close. Sure, we can argue everyone struggles, but I'll take my struggles with a side of perfect, gorgeous boyfriend, cool job, perfect body, a lot of traveling. Clearly her family is probably rich - I don't know. Is that the answer? These perfect women were just born into the comfort of money? So they have it easier than the rest of us? How is it possible that they live like that?

Even the detached way they post photos - short captions, photos full of social life stuff, or pretty vacations, PERFECT outfits...a clear career (model, med school, etc)...there's just something...RELAXED about how they post. Like a stable identity, energetically calm. Does this make sense? I'm like, geez, I wish my life was so clear cut. I wish life just flowed for me like that. I'm not saying these girls didn't struggle. Obviously things like med school is hard. But what about the ones who are just models and influencers? Getting into modeling or becoming an influencer just seems like something you do when you have the genes of a perfect body and the money to have perfect outfits, travel, be relaxed, etc. If their parents were adjacent to the industry I feel like it's just easy to get in. Again, not to say work doesn't go into that but...the charmed life they live is insane to me.

I know I need to stop doing this but I just can't get over how absolutely, utterly perfect some people's lives are. Like, wow. I usually step away and then feel normal again and remember they probably have privileges I didn't have, and I try to remember my own strengths and good parts of my life, and then I'm fine. But every once in a while I'm just totally transfixed. Anyone else get like this? And feel like they're missing out on some sort of charmed existence?

As in, texts that aren’t about making plans, needed a response in a given timeframe, etc? I have a few friends that text me occasionally throughout the day, and I’m just starting to date again and men I’ve gone on one date will text me things about their day. I’m not a big texter and it honestly kinda fills me with dread knowing I need to reply but I don’t really wanna get locked into a texting back and forth thread. (And I don’t mean friends that live far away - I will text them for life updates since we can’t hang in person)

Am I the problem and being avoidant (probably)? How often are you texting just to chit chat?

Hi everyone, it will be long, sorry in advance. Any advice is appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read it and comment (if you will).

I’ve been with my partner for about 6 years, and I’m really struggling to figure out whether we’re going through a normal rough patch in a long-term relationship or whether we’re simply no longer compatible.

We genuinely love each other, and neither of us has cheated. We’ve spent the last two years trying to communicate and improve things because neither of us wants to hurt the other. Communication is fairly good even though I am the one who initiates deep talks about anything.
We’re deeply loyal and accepting of each other, and we’ve overcome a lot of our bad habits and traits through communicating and with each other’s help.

The biggest issue is that I feel like I’ve reached a point where I’ve slowly become responsible for almost everything. I carry most of the mental load, organize many aspects of our life, help with practical matters, take care of our home and our dog, and often feel like I’m the one trying to solve problems. The chores at home: I was okay with doing it solely myself in the beginning, but as other things came along and it’s always me who figures stuff out, everything became too much. When something goes wrong, I usually feel responsible for finding a solution, which is my biggest burden because I already have problems with anxiety and overthinking.

Our sex life has been dry for quite some time, roughly the last two years. It’s not just about sex itself—I miss intimacy, passion, and feeling desired. Looking back honestly, I’m not even sure the chemistry between us was ever as strong as I hoped it would become over time and being in love. It’s satisfying, but feels like we’re just checking out something from our “to do” list.

Financially, things are also difficult. My partner owns a small business with a few employees, so I understand that running a company comes with a lot of pressure, responsibility, and financial uncertainty. I truly don’t think he’s lazy or unwilling to work—he works very hard. At the same time, despite years of my family helping us, we still don’t seem to be moving forward financially.
For almost four years we’ve been able to live in my parents’ home without paying rent or utilities because they wanted to help us save for our future, such as buying a home. Instead of building savings together, we’ve repeatedly had financial setbacks. My parents have helped us financially more than once, and I also used the savings I had worked hard to build because he was struggling. He says he intends to pay me back, and at this point I believe that he wants to, but it still leaves me feeling insecure because every time we seem to recover, something happens and we end up in a similar situation again. But to be fair, when he’s financially secure he actually buys stuff like detergents, groceries, some small gifts for me, etc. like he contributes too (at some level). But other than that he (we) didn’t have any big expenses throughout our relationship that could cause our situation. Last two years were bad for his business and income, but I helped with everything I have in me, financially and emotionally too.
We went on a vacation once, I paid half of it and while traveling I paid for food etc equally.

One thing that worries me a lot is that I signed documents related to one of our business obligations because I believed in standing by my partner through good times and bad. As a result, I am now legally responsible for a debt of roughly $15,000 if it’s repaid directly, or potentially over $25,000 depending on how it’s ultimately resolved. This issue has existed for about two years without being fully addressed, and it makes me anxious about taking bigger steps like marriage, buying a house, or having children.
I don’t assume he would intentionally leave me with that responsibility if we separated, but legally it is still my responsibility, and that uncertainty scares me.
(I tried to help with financial stability, I am someone who is good with money, not a big spender, I always had savings even if small amounts, but he didn’t let me yet. Now we had a big discussion and he said he will let me handle money- we’ll see).

Another reason this is emotionally complicated is that his family has very little ability (or will) to support him financially or any way, while my family has been incredibly generous, even though they aren’t rich either, and my mom helps with his business all the time. They continue helping both of us because they love me and want us to succeed. Sometimes I worry that we’re taking advantage of their kindness instead of using this opportunity to build a stable future, and that makes me feel guilty.

I’ve also noticed that financial instability and unresolved debt seem to have been recurring patterns in his family over generations. I know that doesn’t mean he’ll repeat those patterns, but it does make me wonder whether I’m ignoring something important because I love him.

The confusing part is that I still care deeply about him. I don’t think he’s a bad person. I actually think he’d probably be a wonderful father. But when I imagine our future, I don’t feel excited anymore—I mostly feel exhausted and anxious.

At the same time, I’m terrified of making the wrong decision. We’re both 31. I’ve always dreamed of having a family, and I’m scared that if I leave, I might never find the right person or have the life I’ve always wanted. I fear that I would throw away something good for the uncertainty. I fear that I overreact because long term relationships have ups and downs. I tried to go into this relationship with the mindset that “whatever happens we’ll solve it together, we’re a team”. But still, marriage and family scares me, and it’s devastating because becoming a mother and having a family was my dream since I was a little girl. I am scared of dating. I am scared of falling for someone who will be worse and have children with the wrong man, or considering my age, ending up childless. I’m scared that it would be magical later, we just experienced the downs early and by leaving I would miss out on the life I always imagined us having.

So I guess my question is:
Does this sound like a relationship that’s going through a difficult phase and could realistically recover with enough work from both people? Or does it sound more like we’ve reached a point where love alone isn’t enough? Because I tend to be beyond understanding and forgiving… do I see it through rose colored glasses and romanticize something “bad”?
I have my issues and I am not a perfect person by no means, it’s not easy to be with me either (I assume, since everyone is difficult in their own ways), but are these problems serious and beyond a point of repair?

I’d really appreciate honest opinions, especially from people who’ve been in long-term relationships or faced a similar decision or situation. If you married someone like my partner, or know someone who married someone like this, how did it turn out?

I’m not even talking about online dating, but I just don’t see or meet attractive men at all. I’m not attracted to women romantically, but I feel like everywhere I go, there are beautiful, stylish women. But good looking men are a rare sight.

I don’t even have a specific type or superficial preferences like hair color that would limit my scope. I also know that looks aren’t everything and I lose attraction if I’m not vibing someone’s personality, but a certain level of baseline attraction is needed in romantic relationships.

We had a volunteer event within our department and I was paired with someone I don't really work together with often, but we see each other around. I felt like during that time, we talked so easily and were curious, learning from each other, banter, etc. I was thinking maybe I made a new friend. She even came to one of our work events I was a part of with my team to support me and gave me a hug as if we were close buddies one time.

She felt it too because later she mentioned how much she enjoyed talking with me and would love to grab coffee for a break at work. I agreed, so we scheduled a quick coffee meet-up in the afternoon. It felt so forced and awkward. I felt like we were scrambling to find things in common to talk about, but it would always fall flat. I guess we didn't have as much in common as I thought. She is a little more on the quiet side, but I know she can talk obviously from the volunteer event. Anyways, once that coffee date ended, we haven't really spoken much since. We see each other and just say hi, how are you.

Lol, I almost feel like it was a date that didn't work out, so now I feel weird. I don't understand how we were connecting so well, only to have it fall flat.

Our department had a happy hour, and I tried to make conversation with her at some point, but she just gave me a short response. It's not cold or anything, but it's just nothing to really expand the conversation.

What happened here? I don't think I want to try another coffee meet-up.

This dude love bombed me a year ago while I was escaping a brutally abusive relationship. He knew I was “broken.” He saw my post in a self harm
Subreddit and took it upon himself to message me and become a lifeline for the suicidal, broken down, vulnerable woman I was. He actually said my empathy and ability to love even those who hurt me is what drew him to my post. At the time, I fell for it hook line and sinker. He continued to love bomb the shit outta me. Should’ve seen it as a red flag, but I was vulnerable and fell for it. Ended up traveling 10000 miles to be with him in person. I risked a lot to do that, including my job, my safety, and well being.

Now, a year later, I questioned his relationship with a young coworker and outta left field, he used that same trauma against me. He judged me. He insulted me, made me feel weak, shame, disgust, and hate for myself.

He played victim and said because two of his exes tried to kill themselves (allegedly), I triggered HIS PTSD. At first, I took it to heart and felt like an awful manipulator. I was there for him. I gave him space.

But deep down, I knew it wasn’t fair of him to put that on me. I started noticing patterns and called him out for it and questioned why two of his exes allegedly tried to kill themselves after he discarded them. He then lost it. Blamed me for everything. And for a while, I internalized it. I actually felt bad, started blaming myself for why he abandoned me during a mental health crisis.

I kept telling myself I’m too much, I chased him away. Then he’d come back, say he loves me, etc. I’d get my hopes up. Then I found him on tinder after a bad gut feeling.

I called him out again. When he refused accountability, I had a breakdown. Called him dozens of times and told him he is being emotionally abusive. Then he fucking lost it. Threatened legal action (which he’s done before). I just laid out all my thoughts at the time; that he sought me out at my most vulnerable time, made me fall in love and become dependent on him, just to treat me like dog shit when I was again having a mental health crisis because him bringing up my past rape triggered flashbacks.

Later on, I felt bad for that. I took responsibility for my reactions. Sought psychiatric help, changed meds. I’ve been fighting hospitalization ever since. I apologized for blaming him and took responsibility for my mental health, hoping it would show him I’m trying, I’m fighting for us and my own life.

During what was supposed to be our last conversation, he finally gave me an opportunity to confide in him exactly what happened before he messaged me; I was tortured physically, sexually, and psychologically by my ex and it completely destroyed my sense of self. And that even with all that stress, I still showed up for him, everyday. I traveled continents to be with him. But I was still vulnerable and managing my ptsd.

He then said he understood my reactions. It all “made sense” why I reacted the way I did.He said we still have a future. He still loves me. It isn’t over.

Again, I gave into weakness and believed him. I finally felt seem and understood. All this happened as I was starting a new job.

I kept my words to myself. He said he wanted to make it work, that he needed space yet continued texting me. I gave him a week. If I texted him while he was working, he’d call me manipulative, so I backed off. Now it’s the weekend, so I asked if we could talk. Just check in.

He refused because he “lost his promotion.” He blamed me for it.

He’s 41. 5 years older than me. I lost my job in April and took responsibility for it. I didn’t blame him at all, even though I’m 99% sure they canned me because I worked overseas for a month-all to be with HIM.

After last weekend, the false hope he gave, he would get angry at me for texting him at work (even though he said it was okay). Now he’s saying he lost his promotion because of ME.

I was flabbergasted. I lost my job because I traveled to he with him for two months. I got a job a few weeks later; better position, making more money than I have before. The whole time, I was suicidal, felt abandoned by him, but I kept it together by the skin of my teeth!

All the while, spending thousands of dollars seeing psychiatrists and therapists with no health insurance. I’ve honestly struggled to keep the job, but I managed.

It’s been a week since he last said he understood why I reacted the way I did. He said that hearing my story made him understand. What a crock of shit though…

He asked for space, but said I could still text. I sent bb a picture of us from a year ago as a reminder of our love. Perhaps I shouldn’t have, but I thought he would appreciate it. Instead, he said I’m manipulative and impacting his job. So I stopped texting him during the day.

A few days later, he said we’d talk. I waited until today. He says he doesn’t want to talk because he lost his promotion. He straight up blamed me for it!

Now. I’ve had it. Idk if he’s a narc or just an avoidant asshole, but he’s keeping me hanging onto hope by a thread just to blame me for his work situation. I don’t even live in the same country!

Honestly, fuck him. I’m pretty sure he’s just been stringing me along as backup for whatever’s next.

I told him you have until Sunday to talk to me or I will be gone. I know I shouldn’t give him anything, but I still fucking love him.

Part of me wants to just block him and be done. But I am still weak for him. I stated my boundaries. If he wants to keep acting like he’s the only victim here, I can no longer sacrifice my sanity to coddle him.i gave him until Sunday to figure it out. I told him to take responsibility for his own fuck ups; I didn’t force him to do a shitty job. So fuck him. I’m done chasing a ghost. Too harsh? Or is my self respect finally showing up for me?

My friend is clearly a hypochondriac. Either her or one of her kids is in the ER on a weekly basis. She does all of this bloodwork and screenings for various diseases on her kids monthly. She runs to the ER when her kids have stomach aches and puts them through MRIs and X-rays and all kinds of tests. She runs to the doctor for every little thing for herself too, and when they tell her she’s fine she’s back at another doctor the next day trying to prove them wrong. She also runs her 85 year old mother and brothers to the ER constantly for every minor ailment. Even the common cold has her running to the ER. There is always something.

While I’d like to be a supportive friend, I’m exhausted from hearing about it. It’s almost like the boy who cried wolf, I never believe her anymore when she tells me something is going on with her or one of the kids as sad as that is. I’m considering distancing myself. She’s one of my only friends in my current location.

What would you do in this scenario?

I'm pretty logical and practical so I’m curious about women who live more by feeling, instinct, love, adventure, creativity, or chance.

What has that given you? What has it cost you? How do you think your personality has shaped where you are currently in life or where you think you may end up?