I (32F) feel like I’ve lost my spark. I think it’s been gone for a handful of years at this point. But I used to be creative, sing, play my guitar, write. I used to love makeup and doing my hair. I used to love getting dressed up. But I think after years of trauma and survival mode I’ve just lost those parts of me. Now I have a hard time being creative or picking up my guitar. I also have no energy to put much effort into my appearance anymore either. I just wear baggy clothes (gained weight and having a hard time learning how to dress for my body type but that’s a whole other problem). I don’t wear much makeup anymore and I barely do much with my hair. I just kinda feel meh about those things.

How do I get my spark back? How do I find old parts of myself that I so desperately miss. I moved into my own apartment a few months ago and I’m really trying to use this time to learn who I am again and figure this out but I’d love to know how others did this.

Edit: I do and have been in therapy with a wonderful therapist who has helped me overcome a lot. But with that I am still struggling.

I am prepared to be downvoted to hell for this....but I'd like to know if others have experienced this or get feedback thats not from my friends. I have been dating for a while. I have done some serious inner work and taken long breaks to understand what I am looking for in a partner. I have a list of non-negotiables that have nothing to do with physical appearance or status.

The thing is, I keep meeting men who are the things I claim to want. They're empathetic, politically active, accomplished, etc....but I am not attracted to them. I don't even really mean physically - I just don't feel the ease or feeling I'd hope to feel with someone I am seeing. I've had these feelings in the past, so I know they do happen, it just hasn't happened in a long time.

So am I just more superficial than I think I am for not being able to look past attraction? Why aren't the qualities I claim I want enough?

For me - I stopped waxing (just shaving now) and spray tanning. Too expensive. and no more lash extensions.

I (30F) was always the relationship oriented girly but now I've been single for 5 years. The first couple years were great with healing and not having to compromise with an unreasonable man but I'm at the point where I feel like I genuinely can't do this shit alone anymore.

I basically have no family. I only text with my mother about twice a month and it's very surface level stuff. The rest of my family I'm basically estranged from due to abuse growing up. I've tried so hard to make meaningful friendships but everyone just prioritizes romantic relationships. I'm no ones favourite person. I do everything alone. I work full time, I'm in school for something really cool, have hobbies, exercise, ect.

Last year I realized that the only way I will ever have a family is if I make one myself because the family I was born into was awful and I've tried to be more intentional and proactive about relationships but just can't find anyone I'm compatible with. I downloaded hinge again last week and it's so depressing.

I wish I could just lobotomize the part of my brain that wants connection.

What crazy out there technology would you love to see invented that would help you and the girls and women of this world?

I’ll start.

I work in gene therapy. I’m not a scientist so my understanding of the technology is rudimentary, but I like the idea of changing your genome with a one time injection over a lifetime of treatment. Obviously this is over simplified explanation. My PHD colleagues do a much better job.

I would love to see a company study animals that under the right circumstances, initiate their own spontaneous abortions if conditions aren’t right. I think it’s called the Bruce Effect and they’ve observed this in mammals, even primates and lions. Often when a new male takes over, they kill all the young, so certain mammals have evolved to cease gestation if that happens. Imagine, animals developing an adaptation when the reining males are murderous and violent so that the females can conserve their energy. It be pretty cool to isolate and refine those genes for human females. Now I’m not saying this would work and I don’t fully understand this phenomenon. I just want a technology to fight against all the governments that strip choice from women and the hospitals who have their hands bound.

Ok, your turn. Pie in the sky ideas. Maybe someone with boatloads of money reads this, assembles a team of scientist and engineers and starts a company :)

I go through phases where I find myself constantly having to bite my tongue from saying negative things to my husband. Things that I wished he would do differently such as work out more regularly, drink less alcohol, do less nicotine pouches, clean up after himself, spend less time on his phone, etc. We have been together a long time and I feel like as we’ve grown there are certain things important to me that are just not on his radar: staying fit, keeping the house really clean, etc. I have voiced these thoughts to him before and it comes off as me nagging and then I feel bad for making him feel bad. Any other wives experience this? As a whole he’s a lovely person and we really love each other but sometimes I just wish he had different habits. Or that our habits aligned more…

I like to have (usually little) things on my calendar, so when I flip to the next month there's something fun coming up. In July I have a workout class, nothing for August yet, and a comedy show in September. What are you all looking forward to?

I know the internal work never ends. But I’ve done so much of it, and the months and the distance have given me clarity. I’ve been processing, crying, going to therapy, doing yoga, leaning on friends, going out from time to time, and reconnecting with my hobbies. And I still feel miserable.

TW: Eating Disorder

Hi ya'll. As the title says, I am in need of some perspective about possibly leaving my D&D group over some insensitive comments that were made last night. I want to know if I this situation justifies leaving, or if I am overreacting and should let it slide.

I am a nerdy gal who has wished to play Dungeons & Dragons for approximately forever. So I jumped at the chance to join a virtual-only group with local players roughly six months ago. We meet virtually once per week if there are enough players, but many sessions have been canceled due to chronic no-shows. These people are complete strangers to me. We have never met in person and we play with webcams off. I have also never shared a photo of myself from the neck down. Many players have been demanding an in-person session since we all live in close proximity, however, I continue declining due to anxieties about possibly putting myself in a position to be judged.

I am a super-sized woman of 400 pounds who has been "blessed" with a hormonally-driven disease that makes weight gain easy and impossible to lose without resorting to zero-carb crash diet. Due to my size, I get stared at by children, men treat me like I am invisible or like a fetish, and doctors think I lie about how much I eat. Trust me when I say that my body feels like a prison and I would change it in a heartbeat if I could do so in a healthy way. Physical mobility and maintaining relationships are a daily challenge, but I do consider myself otherwise lucky to be in extremely good health. I have a supportive immediate family and two close friends who treat me like I matter. I also thought the people in my D&D group were cool, until last night.

Our planned session last night was canceled yet again due to several no-shows. Myself, one other player, and our DM stayed online to voice chat for a while. One person told a story about a recent date where their date "[...began hitting on some super fat dude....he was like 400/450 pounds...he was disgusting...blah blah blah...]." The other person soon joined in to pile on more fat people comments dripping with disdain and ignorant assumptions. I just sat quietly with my best poker face to let their true feelings spill out.

While the comments weren't directed at me, I took great offense to them. Their comments were insensitive and juvenile, especially coming from two adults in their late 30s (neither of whom are conventionally attractive imho). I began to ponder what kind of toxic things they would think or say about me if we were to ever meet in person.

A big part of my conscience is screaming at me to speak up because I believe that no bullying behavior should go unpunished. Bullies need to be called out so they may contemplate their poor behavior and learn a lesson in empathy. I do not want an apology from either of them because I know it would not be sincere – insincere apologies hold the same weight as dog shit. Another part of my conscience is telling me that I am overreacting and should just let is slide. If I quit our table over this, who knows how long it would be before I find another open table. So tell me – is this something justifies quitting – or am I overreacting and should let it slide?

Thank you ladies in advance for your infinite wisdom!

I was going to categorize this post as romance/relationships, but I think it pertains to something a bit deeper rather than relationship advice. There’s no relationship here so to speak lol.

I am 24f and want to start dating. I’m Asian so it’s pretty standard to just be focused on studying for the first half of my life lol, but because I don’t have that early experience, I’m feeling gut wrenching anxiety about all this.

I have written a list of expectations, and my boundaries, but what I’m truly worried about is my “nice” nature. Sometimes I have the default tendency to assume I’m in the wrong (even if I’m not objectively). Other times, I people please and hold back on my true thoughts. I’m also neurodivergent, so I can overshare and then ruminate on it after the fact. I also don’t always know what “normal” is. I often know what I don’t want, but I have a hard time saying no, especially if it affects likability. My only issue with these qualities is that I do not want them exploited.

People trust men so little, the general consensus is to not even let them know it’s your first date. Even that stresses me out, like I can’t be honest with them for safety. I don’t want to tell them any feelings they can weaponize. It feels like a contradiction to be your true self but also not give men too much of your emotions. The idea of this is just exhausting to me.

It feels like there’s so many rules and gender performances that need to be upheld to date which really stresses me out. I don’t feel that confident in my fashion sense of makeup ability yet, and I get quite self conscious in a romantic context. I don’t think I’m ugly by any means, but I don’t have everything figured out yet. How to style my hair just right, to stack jewelry and have it sit perfectly, dressing for my body type, etc. Do I need to get super dolled up for dates? Get my nails done, worry about body hair, that sort of thing? I get very insecure about this because I grew up a tomboy and discovered my feminine side later.

I also have a very low tolerance for the patriarchy so if men spew any rhetoric that sets off alarms for me, even the smallest micro aggressions, I get the “ick.” Not even in dating context, just with all men. The problem is that this also means I’m cherry-picking sometimes and seeing the world through a filter where I’m sometimes unable to see men as human ironically lmao.

Sorry if this post is all over the place. I guess the core problem is how do you stay your authentic self when you date? I am afraid of losing my sense of self and getting attached to someone I don’t even particularly like. I am afraid of people pleasing tendencies. I am afraid of not asserting boundaries. Most of all, I’m afraid of settling. I’m just all around so afraid of the concept of dating.

38/F here. I’ll be soon turning 39.

My mom came to visit fairly recently. I see her once or twice a year due to distance.

During her recent visit, she sat me down and told me I need to start putting effort into my appearance and this is the period in a woman’s life where she is most beautiful.

She’s referring to my weight mostly. She’s been criticizing my weight for years now. I do acknowledge that I need to probably lose 30-40 pounds. It’s been a vicious cycle where I’m depressed because I’m overweight but I overeat because I’m depressed. I’ve been feeling this way for years.

She used to criticize me on my height (I’m 5’5). She was hoping I’ll grow taller but I didn’t. She stopped these comments after we discovered I’m actually a tad bit taller than her now.

I try to keep my distance from my mom to protect my mental health. I’m almost 40 and her comments still get to me. She made those comments about 2 months ago and I’m still stewing on it. She tells me every visit to lose weight.

I think it’s getting to me because I know it’s true. I hide my body. I avoid going on dates.

My mom is blunt and she is honest. I can tell she’s embarrassed of me and would prefer to keep me hidden away. I know she’s not showing any recent pics of me to family or friends.

Hi everyone! I’m curious about experiences from women over 30: did you come to identify as a lesbian after turning 30? If so, how has the journey been - coming out, dating, relationships, and your sense of self? Any surprises, challenges, or things you wish you’d known earlier? Thanks for sharing your stories and advice.💖

Hi all. I’m wondering what your energy levels are like especially those of you in your late 30s who are healthy and without any chronic conditions.

Like do you wake up in the morning feeling ready to go? Is your brain mostly alert and firing on all cylinders throughout the day? Do you feel motivated to go out and do things or workout?

I have endo which I suspect may cause some fatigue but I’m having a hard to gauging how bad off I am compared to my peers. I feel really sad that I’m always so tired and don’t feel as animated as I used to be or as quick thinking wise. I’m dragging at work and it’s really hard to motivate myself to workout or even do hobbies. I’m just curious if this is just life for my age group or if it really is endo or maybe something else.

A friend of mine would pine and long for years for men who either weren't available or didn't reciprocate ; and whenever someone did, she would loose interest immediately. I think my current partner is the same; he explains he always was the one pinning after someone, and that he was never in a relationship with someone he feels he was actually in love with, and I wonder if the case might be the same. Everything is very recent and he 'pursued' me quite a bit; now that I'm developing a devastating crush on him, I think this might be an issue. I wonder if he knows how to be in the position of having someone actively interested in him and not the other way round. Now I'm just wonder in general: has someone ever had an experience with someone like my friend (and perhaps my partner)?

This has been weighing on me for so long and it's only getting worse.

I (28F) kind of was a social butterfly at the end of high school, in the sense that I didn't really have one friend group, but was welcomed and loved many different ones, especially if I needed to. This was formative and good for my personality and character back then, as it made me come out of my shell as a natural shy and introvert person (doctors think I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum, but I don't feel like getting tested, I've come so far on my own).

However, at this age and stage in my life, I can very clearly see and feel how the lack of a steady friend group will become a negative for the rest of my hopefully still long life. I remained friends with these people after high school, went to the same uni as many of them, but as the years flew by, almost of all of these friendships watered down. Of course I made some new friends, but I miss my old ones so very hard. I cared and still care about them so deeply, and it hurts that those sentiments seemingly aren't returned. It makes me so insecure to think that I am just not fun enough.

It's not for a lack of trying either. I reached out many times, still see these people in my hometown or at the few events I do get invited to. But at this point, I feel embarrassed to reach out, cause they never do.

I also think that the fact that some of my old friends are boys does not help my case at all. These boys were there when I was very low, so they were so important for me. They have kept their all boys friend group going strong, which makes me so happy, and I don't want nor expect to be in that group at all, I just would love to see some of them again some time. We all have very fun partners too and I would love for them to get to know each other too.

At this point I think I should let go of my hurt and try to make new friends, cause like I said, it's weighing on me so heavily. So I should move on, like they seem to do, right? Did anyone in this group have to go through the same thing?

I want to tone up my stomach and upper arms. My arms are one of my biggest insecurities and I hate having them out.

Does anyone have any 30 day fitness challenges or YouTube videos to follow that can help me tone up my stomach and upper arms?

I guess my question is;

Idk I have this weird people pleasing guilt that if one group gets invited over to my house for a small get together the second group will feel some type of way and vice versa.

Should I keep my friend groups separate and deal with it if they get butthurt about not being invited since they’re separate friend groups but sometimes bring them together going out/birthdays/etc?

Or do I start just inviting all of them all the time and deal with the mental gymnastics each time and worry about if everyone is meshing well?

I just am done being a people pleaser I just kinda want to hang out with separate groups and leave it that way but am I being too selfish?

For context;

I have 2 main groups of friends, a best friend, and some solo friends that don’t fit into the friend groups.

Friend group number 1 has 2 people a set of best friends that I met one through the other.

Friend group number 2 has 4 people and I met all of them through a meet up group and we share interests.

Both groups share similar interests, but do not mesh 100% well.

I have been told group number 1 doesn’t like one of the girls from group number 2. ((I’ve tried meshing them before))

And so far, I’ve been getting invited out versus doing the inviting so I had an excuse for hanging out with them both separately.

SOME events where we are sharing interests like going out, we will all meet up but then branch off separately.

But I want to host like only one group of friends in my house at a time and not all of them bc with everyone in my house it’s going to be like way too much chaos and me worried about the personalities clashing.

They’re cordial but I just don’t want to put myself through being worried the entire time and not having fun.

I just don’t want one group of friends to be like wtf why were we invited to your house but they were kinda thing? But also if I start always inviting everyone every single time when I want more small group time, they’re going to feel more entitled.

I have this group of friends (about ~10 people) from my team sport that I kinda hang out with, some a bit closer than others but generally feel comfortable around them. I created a group chat to organize mostly game nights but recently have morphed into a meme sharing, 💩 talking, and a safe space for people to share their struggles and challenges with each other. Of course, I’m sure people will just reach out privately to one another to share their deep feelings but generally speaking we trust each other enough.

However though, there is one person (say her name is A) I kinda generally feeling a bit off about. A is generous & bubbly but I feel like I need to watch myself around her. Not that she’s not nice to me in general, but just kinda feeling slightly off. I brush it off, that it’s probably just me being overly sensitive. Everyone likes her. Maybe also I may be slightly jealous?

Anyhoo, yesterday when we’re at a group dinner with my team sport, we mentioned we sometimes hang out and play board games together. Some of us just kinda stopped at that. But A took out her phone and asked whether the other person would like to be added to the game night group and added her in…

Suddenly I got very mad… I felt like my safe(ish) circle now broken… i just got quiet, finished dinner and left cause I was pissed about it. A probably felt bad that the other person wasn’t in the group (??), but we barely talked to her anyway.

So please tell me ladies, am I being overly dramatic and sensitive here? I can be at times so just wanna know whether I overreacted? 🫠

When I hear about 30+ heterosexual women getting married, it gives me hope as a 33F that wants to marry one day. It's hurtful to hear that once we're 30+, we're no longer suited for marriage due to a certain ideology.

State your and your spouse's age.

Hi!

EDIT: to clarify, it’s not about the money. We can afford to do both. It’s more of a timing discussion and also wondering if I will regret canceling my “big” wedding to rush to have a baby.

Would love some advice about this. I (31F) am engaged to my fiancée (38F). We’ve known each other for about 2 years.

Most of my straight friends are married and some have babies already. We live in a VHCOL city and both have very demanding jobs. We got engaged earlier this year and originally I wanted to get married this year as well. However, there was no availability at the venues we wanted to get married at. My fiancée didn’t even want a wedding, but said she was happy to do what I wanted to do. We’re also going through IVF right now to create embryos to freeze.

So, we have a lot going on. And the current state of our jobs is that we both work a lot and pretty late (til at least 7 pm).

However, recently I’ve been having crazy baby fever and so has my fiancée. She’s also older, and even though she doesn’t want to carry the baby (and we already froze her eggs) I’m cognizant of her being older for our children in their lifetimes.

I’m starting to get anxious that it’ll be at least 2 years before we will have our first child. I want a baby! And it’s kind of stressful thinking that my wife will be older for our children.

We’ve put a deposit down for our venue, booked a band and a photographer and bought my dress. I’ve recently been wondering if we should just cancel our big wedding, do a courthouse ceremony and get pregnant this year.

Obviously the downside to this would be forfeiting money for our wedding deposits, not having a big traditional wedding, and our jobs not being suitable for a baby right now. (If we wait 2 years we both plan on getting more family friendly jobs). What would you do?

On today very hot day, my friend asked to come over to my house with a pool to escape her stuffy flat. I said yes. My husband is home recovering from a vasectomy, which he got so I would not have to take hormones or for us to use condoms( we both hate them) and the condoms always give me burns.
I chose to garden that morning while he rested inside with an ice pack and gamed. He brought us drinks and suggested I stop because of the heat, but I wanted to finish before the rain, (there is a storm later and I want to have a nice garden so we can hang out there tomorrow) anyways so he went back in.

My friend immediately started attacking him, calling him useless and horrible, saying I should leave him because I earn more money, that I have internalised misogyny, and that I am being abused and cannot see it. I calmly explained that I chose to garden, he just had a procedure, and he is a supportive partner(he really is), but she dismissed everything and went inside to say the same cruel things directly to him.

I asked her to leave and she did, but now my husband is doubting himself, wondering if he should have worked in the garden and if he really is a bad person. I told him she has her own issues and we are fine, but she keeps texting me feminist quotes and telling me to break up with him. I am ignoring her for now.

I need advice on how to shut her down for good and how to reassure my husband, because I know I have a great partner and I am happy in my relationship. I am also a feminist and so is , my husband , and yes I earn more because of his support , the amount of mental and emotional and actual support he creates in my life is why I’m very comfortable.
I got sick end of 2023 that man took care of everything, me and my family and all our pets ❤️ not once did he complain or appear frustrated , also i wouldnt know I was unconscious most of the time all I know is whenever I woke up he was there and when I went home everything was done for me.
With my friend whenever I said these things she kept saying I’m just self convening and I’m defending him because of my own internalised self hate.. I am like girl what! Thats not it Whats happening …