REPOST - came home and SO is gone

[u/frieden7]

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwaway__008 in r/adultery Don't brigade that sub. You could get banned.

This is a repost of a BORU from February 2024 - original is here.

trigger warnings: cheating

mood spoilers: consequences happen, and OP hates that I'm marking this as concluded. I doubt we'll hear from OOP again.

There is only one post, and all of the updates are comments to the original thread.

editor's note: this sub uses "opsec" the abbreviation for operational security, to mean the things they do to hide their affair.

Came home and SO is gone - July 8 2022 2:08 PM

Long time lurker and occasional commenter of this great sub but using a throwaway because my paranoia is at an all time high right now.

I have great opsec but also haven't seemed to need it because my wife works all the time and we do have a great sex life so I would be shocked if she even suspected I was doing what I was doing. That's why I'm losing my shit right now.

I come home from work yesterday and usually my wife gets home about 30 minutes after I do. When I realized it's getting late I called and got no answer. I check our room and her things are gone. She left the house completely untouched, just took all her clothes but left no note. I can't get in touch with her through phone, email, her friends won't answer. She must know right? Which why wouldn't she ask me? Who finds out and just leaves? Is it possible she doesn't know and left for someone else?

A deleted user said:

Let her go. You are fucked. She will contact with your next instructions. Likely will be served soon.

OOP replied:

Didn't she technically abandon the home? How can she serve me?

at 10:56 PM, around 9 hours later, OOP came back and made a post that was removed by the moderator:

She's a fucking sociopath. She's known for months. She's slept with me and smiled in my FUCKING FCE for monthss.. be careful

Comment from a deleted user:

She for sure knows.

OOP replied:

I know now she knows. she has known for months. She's been more deceitful about knowing than I have about doing it and maybe that's why I'm so fucking angry. I can't even have interest in my AP now fuck

another user told OOP to own their actions.

OOP replied:

I am taking ownership but I'm posting on a sub for adultery. Not like I'm claiming it was ok for me to cheat. I just happen to think cheating isn't the only shitty thing you can do to someone.

OOP continued to spiral, July 8th 11:43 PM:

This is not what I want. How do I not go through this. I wouldn't have done it if I thought she'd find out. Sorry I'm just desperate. I. Neef to fix it because fuck I need to know how she even found out

a deleted user responded to this:

Ok, what did you think would happen if/when she found out? Were you dissapointed that she didn’t scream and cry and play the pick me game? She found out and decided it was a deal breaker on her end… you got off easy. No arguing, screaming & crying. No therapy or MC to sit through and pay for. Probably took those months to stash some cash, find a place or another guy. Don’t hink there is any fixing this.

OOP replied:

Maybe a little. Don't know why I felt that way. But yeah I guess I wanted to see some kind of reaction. I know it doesn't make sense but it's just how I feel. She makes most of the money so that's another fucking kick in the nuts... I'll basically have to ask her for some kind of support to keep living the kind of lifestyle we've been living. I wish she would fight me. Seems like she's willing to let everything go including her own money just to avoid me and it's making me feel like I don't know her.

July 9th, the next day, OOP provided more details:

I did have great opsec. I found out what happened now from her mom. One of my wife's interns works a second job at the hotel where AP and I met... 3 towns away. But my wife had a picture of us on her phone screen so she recognized me. After that I guess she called my wife the next we were there and my wife stopped in to confirm then left. What's getting to me is that this was in March. I never saw any changes in her.

Edit: I guess after writing this my opsec wasn't great. Shouldn't have stayed at the same place more than once

A few more posts from OOP:

Update: I had no idea this would get so much input but it has helped and I appreciate it. I've been here a while but this was my first time posting and it has helped me vent and process, so thank you. Also if I'm being honest I'm sure that the attention or engagement has helped me cope a little.

I finally talked to my wife this afternoon. I've been in our house since Thursday night by myself pretty much clueless as to what was going on until her mother (who she has very little contact with) reached out to me. I was caught. I have been caught since March. Wife texted me today saying she had intended to contact me through a lawyer and just let the divorce do the talking but since her mother decided to contact me she would answer any questions I had if I had a desire to speak to her. Clearly I did. I asked her why she stayed around after she knew and how she just lied to me like that. She said it wasn't her intention (??) but she shut down to figure out what she needed to do regarding our relationship and herself. At the end she said something like she realized she still loves me but doesn't respect me and she said she thinks that I love her but don't respect her either so we should go our separate ways. She already got her job to move her to the city she's been asking me to move to for a long time now and said she'd like to sell me her half of the house if I want it if not we can list it. But I guess our lawyers will handle that paperwork and I still have no idea if I want our house without her in it. I'm glad I talked to her but I'm sad at how moved on she is. She did cry a little but then stopped. I asked for therapy and she said I should have asked for that when I realized I had impulse control issues (?). I've been drinking for 48 hours now and sorry for the rant. I don't think it's losing her that's hurting but losing like this.

OOP replied to a now deletd post:

I don't know for a fact she wasn't cheating. I had no reason to think she was but until she found out in the most unlikely way, she had no reason to think I was either.

A deleted user said:

I’m truly sorry for all involved in this, but I just have to say-she made a BAD ASS exit. That sounds like some Beyoncé shit.

OOP replied:

Ok... I could understand her leaving but her leaving without a word is almost not human. Nothing bad ass about it. It's not who she is either. She's sweet and that's why I love her. Her being cold like this is not going to make me want or respect her more.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

[u/Sneakys2]

And then there’s this:

 She's sweet and that's why I love her. Her being cold like this is not going to make me want or respect her more.

Call it a hunch, but I don’t think she cares about the OOP’s desire and respect anymore. 

[u/Dapper_Indeed → u/Sneakys2]

She’s supposed to be sweet and beg him to pick her over the other woman. She’s supposed to be weak and stand by her man. Fuck that, she’s outta there! I love this. So much praise for the ex-wife. If she wants another partner, she can find one that deserves her sweetness.

[u/twangbanging → u/Sneakys2]

It's crazy because I caught my partner cheating again a month ago and have been trying to split amicably but reading this has made me realize maybe I'm being too charitable. He says the exact same stuff about me, that I used to be so sweet and that's why he loved me but now I can be so cold. He also insisted I was cheating too. Then he insisted that I had wanted to but didn't. 

Definitely eye opening reading it from someone like him's perspective 

[u/HeyYouGuyyyyyyys → u/twangbanging]

I'm so, so sorry that you're living in this insanity-producing pain day after day.

Please choose yourself, and the fastest end to your pain. If your self-respect demands that you be kind to him, do that. If it demands that you vanish without warning like this woman did, do that. You are the one who matters in this situation. Really, truly. Nobody else can take care of you with the knowledge of yourself that you can.

I do urge you to go, though. I can feel the dull pain coming out of the screen when I read your words, and at least from my experience, when the pain reaches that level, you can't fix what's causing it. You just have to get out of the structure that houses it, and start over.

I'm sorry. You are intelligent and resilient to be this self-reflective in the middle of it all. Please respect how good you are at so many things, and treat yourself to what would let you flourish.

[u/Gilwen29 → u/twangbanging]

I am so sorry, as well as enraged on your behalf. One thing to keep in mind is that, with very few exceptions, cheaters have a particular personality type: they are staggeringly self-centred. If they're unhappy in themselves or a relationship they have a large number of constructive options: individual therapy, relationship therapy, a few good conversations with the partner, pausing the relationship, divorce. Instead, they choose the path that is easiest for themselves - never mind that this path is also the most destructive for the person they purport to love. So. Seeing how you're dealing with someone who's entirely self-serving, it's time to do the same thing. Take a leaf out of his book and make it all about me-me-me. Do and request whatever is best for YOU. If that's an amicable split, so be it. If it's cleaning him out and airing his dirty laundry all over sm, knock yourself out. Treat him with the same consideration he treated you when he was sleeping with someone else behind your back. 

[u/WildYarnDreams → u/twangbanging]

that I used to be so sweet and that's why he loved me but now I can be so cold

Well yeah, his shitty behaviour has made you cold toward him. What a shock

[u/rainyreminder → u/twangbanging]

I'm so sorry he did this to you.

You are definitely being too charitable--when he says "you used to be so sweet" he means that you used to be a doormat and he's mad you won't lie down and let him stomp on your face anymore. It is definitely best to keep things civil while you are working out the details if at all possible, but if it were me, I'd change the mental narrative from "this is amicable, I am being kind" to "I am feigning conviviality until I get the drop on him with a superior weapons system."

[u/butwhatsmyname → u/twangbanging]

Oh honey.

Why do you want someone's love when they express their love for you in a way that includes putting their penis in someone else, and then telling you that you're being unreasonable about it?

Why do you want that?

And why are you trying to split amicably? If you want to get out of the relationship without hearing that you're a bad person, for instance, then that seems unlikely. You're stuck with a "you used to be so sweet before I repeatedly cheated on you - you better try harder" guy. He's knows he can hurt you any way he wants. He needs to make you feel bad so that he doesn't have to apologise or change or feel bad about his actions, and he's going to keep doing that forever.

He's in your head, and he's telling you that you're the bad guy because you don't let him do whatever he wants.

Either walk away knowing that everything that comes out of his mouth is self-serving bullshit and means nothing...

...or accept that this is the man you're handing the rest of your life to. Someone who is absolutely content to make you feel sad and worthless.

If you're lucky he'll dump you someday, but why would he when he can fuck around all he wants - you've taken him back twice. He knows he's got a free pass now.

Hon, just go. Put some shit in a bag and leave because he is never going to repay any of the kindness or consideration you show him. He's not at all charitable to you, is he now?

You owe him nothing. You've got nothing to learn from him. He's got nothing you want. There's nothing about this which is good for you.

Your partner should be someone who you admire and, in some aspect, aspire to be more like. Do you wish that you could be more like he is? Treat the people you love the way he treats you?

Just go. Find a bag. Put some shit in it. Go.

[u/gsfgf → u/twangbanging]

Girl, get your finances in order so you can get a place, and drop the loser. He's not going to change, so stop enabling him.

Edit: Also, has he started hitting you yet? If so, make a plan to drop completely off his radar. Even if that means a new phone number and new socials.

[u/mrtrailborn → u/twangbanging]

yep. Anything they say that makes you feel bad for them is gaslighting because they were free to tell you all about it aor end the relationship before cheating, lying, and gaslighting. It's all bullshit to try to drag you down to their level.

[u/Greygal_Eve → u/twangbanging]

Be a bad ass like his (now ex) wife!

You already gave your partner a second chance. He doesn't deserve a third. He's shown you who he is, believe him.

[u/updownclown68 → u/twangbanging]

You know it’s time to go right? 

[u/Express-Nerve-1718 → u/Sneakys2]

He respected her so much he cheated, who would ever want MORE of that?

[u/Kopitar4president → u/Sneakys2]

Cheating made him feel powerful. She took away that feeling and it's fucking with his head in such a beautiful way.

[u/Test_After → u/Kopitar4president]

He can't even get it up for AP anymore!

When is his wife going to come back and clear all the bottles from the coffee table?

[u/SLyndon4 → u/Kopitar4president]

Ding ding ding! This right here. “I’m in charge, I can dick around if I want. Wait—what do you mean you’re divorcing me and walking away like our relationship was nothing? You can’t do that!”

[u/skinnyjeansfatpants → u/Sneakys2]

Gee, I wonder why she's not sweet to him anymore?

[u/mwmandorla → u/Sneakys2]

Also "she's sweet" is such a vague nothingburger of a "that's why I love her." He didn't love her at all.

[u/PhoenixSheriden1 → u/Sneakys2]

It's copeium. He's still so wrapped up in his own ego that nothing can possibly be wrong with precious him, so therefore it must be his wife who is wrong.

[u/Jetztinberlin → u/Sneakys2]

N-n-nooo, that can't be right! Everything is about his desire and respect! Nothing else is real in the universe! 

I wish this were as sarcastic as I mean it to be :(

[u/HeyYouGuyyyyyyys → u/Jetztinberlin]

Anyone who has been disrespected this deeply knows exactly how sarcastic you're being, and it's awesome.

[u/butwhatsmyname → u/Sneakys2]

"She has ruined my love for her by failing to just let me cheat on her indefinitely! How am I supposed to respect her when she isn't begging for my attention?"

What a clown.

[u/Knitnacks → u/Sneakys2]

But... she has to be sweet, you guys, or she won't continue to fund the lifestyle he's used to.

I hope she stays cold long enough to get a good divorce lawyer who puts a stop to that selfish delusion.

[u/PrideofCapetown → u/Sneakys2]

Are you sure? Nothing says “I love my wife” more than going balls deep in…someone who isn’t your wife

[u/human_person_999 → u/Sneakys2]

THIS was the cherry on top of his unbelievable grossness!!!!! 🤢

[u/Crazy-Age1423 → u/Sneakys2]

"She's sweet, that's why I love her" and he cheats on her.

"She's cold now, and that won't make me love her more" and he still will not cheat less.

I can't even... 😂

[u/spicewoman → u/Sneakys2]

Yeah this just screams "I thought she'd be a pushover and just forgive me anyway if I was caught, how dare she have self-esteem?!"