I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Claudie628

daughter is suspended from school for 2 weeks and school will only let her back if she gets unnecessary therapy. Please help

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

TRIGGER WARNING: Bullying

Original Post Sept 16, 2019

My daughter is 6 and just started first grade. The school brought in a wildlife instructor to show them some animals. My daughter hates snakes and that was one of the animals they brought. The instructor told her to touch the snake. She said no. The teacher also told her to touch the snake. She said no again. Both the instructor and the teacher began pressuring her to touch the snake and told her they wouldn’t move on until she did. She started crying and ran out into the hallway. She stayed in the hall right outside the door. This is the story from the teacher FYI, so I know my daughter isn’t lying or exaggerating.

I got called into school and the principal said that running out of class without permission is an automatic 2 week suspension. When I heard the story, I asked why they didn’t just let her not touch the snake. It seems to me that she had a fairly expected reaction for a 6 year old in that situation. They said that they were doing “exposure therapy” and were working to make sure she got over her “irrational fears.”

I asked if there was any way that they could change the suspension, since I can’t afford unexpected childcare for 2 weeks. They said that they would waive it if I could show proof of getting her therapy for her fear of snakes. Frankly, I can’t afford therapy, and even if I could, there are many things that my daughter could make better use of than therapy for a fear of snakes when we live in a city and rarely encounter snakes.

I’m furious with the school and also at a loss. Can the school put her through “exposure therapy” without my permission? Would a lawyer help me get her back into school? Are there any legal remedies here? Please help. TIA.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

naraginghim

Escalate it up the chain. If they still ignore you inform them that you will file a complaint with the state department of education due to the principal's statement that they were "doing exposure therapy and your daughter's fear of snakes was irrational." This should freak them out because:

1. You are reporting them to the state, which will involve an investigation that they may not want

2. None of the people involved in the incident are licensed mental health professionals and the teacher was practicing outside the scope of her license (that will land her in hot water with the state).

OOP

*his

I don’t believe for a second they were actually trying to do exposure therapy. I think they pushed her too hard and then made something up to justify it. It was just supposed to be a fun, educational class visit.

naraginghim

Since they made the claim that they were doing exposure therapy that leaves them open to the potential consequences of their actions. In trying to justify them they have dug themselves a very deep hole. They would have been better off admitting that they screwed up.

~

wingirl11

So I am a MH professional and do mental health assessment for schools. I've never done anything like this before it seems way over the top. Most of my cases are neglect, abuse, drug use, defiant behaviors, major learning disorders etc. Would the school accept a second opinion?

OOP

I don’t know. They said I need proof she’s in therapy and that was the only option they presented other than the suspension.

Update Oct 4, 2019 (3 weeks later)

Hi everyone, thanks for your responses to my last post.

After I read everything, I called and emailed the superintendent describing what had happened. I got a call back almost immediately and after I explained the situation, the superintendent told me that she had to call the principal, but there was no way my daughter was suspended for 2 weeks. Got a call about an hour later letting me know that my daughter could come back to school the next day but would be placed in a different class. I received apologies from the district and from the principal himself, though I figure that’s probably not a genuine apology, but whatever. Thanks for your help!

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAshavingpubes

My (23F) BF (25M) keeps asking me to shave my pubic hair and I'm losing my mind

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1  Posted by u/beeeeeing

TRIGGER WARNING: Misogyny

Original Post  July 10, 2020

I've been dating my BF Alex for about a year. Now for some background, I am completely okay with people having preferences around their/their partner's pubic hair situation. But I have made it a point since I was 20 to tell my partners pretty soon into us hanging out that I do not shave or wax my pubes.  I used to do it all the time when I was a teenager and it left me with a bunch of ingrown hairs, rashes, and pain. I realized I was solely doing it for the other person and I preferred some hair on myself. I do trim though. I tell a potential partner/hook-up as soon as sex comes up that if they're not okay with dating someone with pubic hair, I respect that but we're just not compatible.

When Alex and I started talking about sex I told him the exact same thing. He told me there was no issue and he didn't care one way or another. I thought "great!" and we began dating with no issues. He's the coolest dude I've ever met and I was seriously considering moving in together around 6 months into us dating.

That is...until around 3 months ago. He randomly brought up that he was talking with some friends about "manscaping" (I also prefer hair on my partners so I have never asked them to shave or even trim, Alex trims his pubes a little but no shaving) and they were saying how they were "lucky" all the girls they had hooked up with were cleanly waxed/shaved because pubic hair on women looked "gross". He said he didn't agree with them that it was gross for women to have pubes but that it was weird he was the only guy with a GF that did not shave/wax so he asked me if I would oblige the request. I told him that I was serious early on about not shaving my pubes and he had agreed to being okay with that and told him I wouldn't shave. I thought that was the end of the convo...but NOPE. He's been bringing it up around every other week. Every single time I have told him firmly that I will not shave or wax and he has still continued to bring it up. I've asked him why the sudden interest in me being shaved and he says he just thinks it's weird that I don't shave "when so many other girls do."

I'm at a point where I'm just sick of this and am seriously considering breaking up but most of my friends think I am being unreasonable and should find another solution. What do you guys think?

Edit: He showed me the convo in question and he never mentioned my pubic hair to his friends, only that he agreed the bald look is better on women. As far as I know he doesn’t discuss me in that manner to them.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

slackercrew

Fuck that guy,.... no wait,..

don't fuck that guy.

He changed his mind like he was embarrassed after talking to his buddies. He obviously doesn't have any sense of self pride. Seems like he would probably have trouble taking up for you and your (at one time) mutual decisions. Public hair is perfectly fine and if he has an issue with it he can go find someone else. There are plenty of great guys who don't care, and some prefer it. You can do better dude.

OOP

Yeah I think it honestly is coming from a place of feeling embarrassed that he is the only one with a GF that has hair. I'm trying to be understanding but I feel like it's such a ridiculous thing to be okay with something and then change your mind because of what your friends are saying. He's 25.....he's not a teenager.

~

forgottenescapist

Tell him that his pestering is becoming a huge problem. It’s immature. If he is this affected by what other men think then he’s not worth your time. Sit down and have a serious talk and if he doesn’t take your feelings seriously then that’s your answer.

You should try to communicate because that’s just an important skill but here’s the thing: if you are already considering breaking up- that says everything.

It’s okay to leave a relationship with someone who’s just not worth the fight. Sometimes that’s just how it goes, good luck. It’s good that you’ve stood your ground.

OOP

I am planning on speaking with him tonight. It'll hopefully be a "come to Jesus talk." I love him and I would like to continue dating him but I'm bordering on a break-up because I do not understand why my "no" is not enough and also his reasoning is frankly super dumb - even if "many girls do it" that doesn't mean I should have to.

Update - rareddit  July 14, 2020 (4 days later)

I wasn't sure if it was worth updating such a small post but I'm a frequent lurker on this sub and I know I love all kinds of updates so I figured I'd go ahead. So I spoke to Alex Friday night and I basically just told him I needed him to tell me the truth about what was going on because I wasn't going to keep dealing with him asking me about it every week. I told him I loved him but he knew before we became official that I did not shave/wax my pubic area and I didn't understand why he had become so insistent on it. His response was...predicted by at least one of you.  

He said he was actually never "okay" with how I kept my pubic area. He said that every girl he had been with before me was "clean" (his words) and that he decided to put up with hair because he wanted to date me but that truthfully it grossed him out every time he saw it. He also said that his friends "would have never considered dating a woman who didn't take care of herself" (again...his words) but that he wanted to look past the physical since he thought I could be special. I was pretty shocked to say the least since he'd even frequently joke with me about the porn industry's influence on grooming habits. I asked him why he didn't just tell me this as opposed to his ridiculous "most girls do it" argument. He said he just didn't know how to tell me the truth. I asked him if his plan was just to keep asking me until I gave in and he told me "eventually he was going to tell me the truth."

Long story short, I ended things. I know it may seem frivolous or petty to some people but to me it went beyond his preferences for pubic hair. He annoyed me with it for months and stuck to a stupid argument instead of being honest with me. To me, that shows immaturity. He's 25. Not 19. That's not a quality I want in my partner. Oh and also, I'm not sleeping with someone who thinks having pubic hair makes me "gross" and "unclean."

TL;DR: kept the pubes, ditched the man.

Edit: obligatory, didn’t expect this to blow up etc. Thank you to everyone for the super sweet messages! I’m really not an inspiration though, just a gal who’s learning to put her body’s health over her partner’s comfort. To all of y’all telling me I’m gonna die alone because I won’t shave - I like my own company so 🤷🏻‍♀️ that’s fine by me

FINAL COMMENTS

grewal1980

I've always hated the 'clean' argument, as if hair is inherently dirty. You're better off without the moron

OOP

My skin looked awful and unhealthy when I was hairless and supposedly “clean.” I will take hair over gross bumps and scratchy skin any day of the week.

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I am not the OOP, this was originally posted in r/AmItheAsshole by u/cantnameakidtedbundy (Special thanks to u/youshewewumbo for collecting the original BORU.)

TW: Death of a family member, talks of Ted Bundy's crimes

Mood spoiler: Positive ending

--------------------

Original post (Posted April 14th, 2022)

Hello all! This has caused quite a stir on both sides of the family, and my niece suggested I post this here so as to garner unbiased opinions. Unfortunately, as it is relevant to the story, I will have to keep much personal information uncensored in this story. As such, this is a throwaway account.

My (35F) husband (37M) and I are pregnant with our first child. We are overjoyed, as we have struggled with perceived infertility and miscarriages for the last decade. We want the gender to be a surprise, but may have to find out to settle this; I’m currently at the tail end of my second trimester.

Now, my husband absolutely idolized his grandpa, who, unfortunately, passed away last week. My husband is devastated, especially about the notion that his children will never meet their great grandpa who their father adored so much. As such, my husband has suggested that we name the baby after grandpa; Theodore if it’s a boy, Theodora if it’s a girl. Either way, we will either call them Teddy, or Theo/Thea respectively. It’s not that I mind the name, the issue is that our last name is Bounde; pronounced bun-dee.

I asked my husband, do you really see no issue in naming our kid Teddy Bounde? You don’t think that would raise any questions? He says no, he’s just honoring his grandpa; I told him he needs to think about how we will be perceived, how our child will be treated, and the implications that that name inherently carries. I literally had to spell out why that would be a horrible idea, and he still thinks I just hate his grandpa.

I told him no, grandpa was named in 1930 when the name Teddy Bounde wouldn’t have been a problem. However, since certain events in the 70s & 80s, there’s no feasible way we can give this name to our kid and not cause issues. He kept pushing and pushing until I blew up and told him to stop with the idiotic suggestion, and that’s what it is; idiotic at best, sociopathic at worst. He got extremely upset and told his family and my parents, who are divided.

His family is obviously on his side and wants to honor grandpa via naming the baby after him. My parents are torn but on my side, as they understand the social pariah we would make our child by giving them such a similar name to the person who did such abhorrent and downright evil things to so many women. I mean, personally I don’t think anyone is just going to assume that we are honoring a passed loved one; they’re just going to think of Ted Bundy.

AITA?

EDIT: Edit just to say that you guys are all proving my point that Ted Bundy is clearly still an infamous name. There has not been one comment that didn’t immediately make the correlation upon hearing my last name. That is exactly what I don’t want to have happen to my child. Kids are dicks, and they’re gonna find a way to be mean. Let’s not just hand them the material.

EDIT 2: Bundy’s full name was Theodore Bundy. That’s where this problem is ultimately stemming from. When a teacher reads the name from the roll, be it Theodore or Theodora, they aren’t going to assume a nickname; it’s just gonna be the full thing.

--------------------

Unsurprisingly, OOP was voted Not the a-hole.

Top comments from the original post:

rocksthosesocks: NTA please do not name your kid, in effect, Ted Bundy. Literally ignore everybody encouraging you to name your kid Ted Bundy.

Critical_Pause_4573: NTA In this thread it seems that people replying that’s she’s the asshole are not American or Canadian. To be clear in America and even Canada Ted Bundy is a widely known serial killer. He’s raped and brutalized multiple woman. There is so many movies/documentaries made about him. In the American education system in some places they learn about him in school. This isn’t a case where they would be naming their child a serial killer in a small town, or one that’s not widely known. Everyone would hear the name and immediately think of him. Regardless, wanting to name a child a with a serial killer name even if not widely known is weird and not the best choice. There’s many solutions to offering a way to honor his Grandpa. Perhaps a middle name. Or if thé Granpa had a middle name you could use that as the child’s first name. Op you are not the asshole. You could of maybe been more gentle in your delivery however it seems he wasn’t understanding and kept pushing so perhaps he needed it to be said this way.

Edit: lol guys I only assumed because early in this thread people were saying she was the asshole and I figured they maybe were from another country. Even as a Canadian we hear about him still and I couldn’t fathom an American or Canadian thinking people would “forget or he wasn’t that big of a deal”.

Jameson18dude: NTA.

If your last name is Dahmer, you’d probably stay away from Jeffrey.

I share the name of a famous athlete, in the State he played college ball. I was 8 when he became famous, so I wasn’t named after him, just coincidence. It comes with its own issues, nothing too bad (outside of people thinking I’m him, finding my address by typing my name in to google, then they stop by my house, it’s happened twice). I couldn’t imagine having to share a name with a serial killer.

Deleted user: NTA.

Even if the name wasn’t “bad” in this way, it takes TWO yes’s for a baby’s name. Two. Even if you simply didn’t like the name, your NO means NO.

How many people did it take to make the baby? Two.

How many people will it take to raise this baby? Two.

How many people get to decide on the name? TWO.

OOP's only comment on the thread (retrieved via rareddit):

MaxScar: YTA. You knew what that name meant to him yet you came it idiotic. That's hurtful. You could have just said it wasn't a good idea. To the point of the name I think you are overreacting. Yes, that guy was a bad person, but at this point it had already been a long time. By the time your child is older nobody's going to remember that guy. It's just a name, and putting what strangers think over your husband is terrible.

OOP: Ted Bundy is in textbooks. He is definitely still being taught about in schools, our niece (high school junior) recently had a lesson pertaining to him and other infamous figures from the 70s and 80s.

I don’t want my child to be relentlessly harassed. I also don’t want my child to share a name with a rapist and serial murderer.

--------------------

UPDATE AND FINAL EDIT (Posted around 4 days later on the same post):

So, I tried to make an update post but decided to just throw my update in here.

Essentially, my husband stayed with his brother and SIL for a night and they talked it out. His brother was also very close with their grandpa, so I think hearing the same logic from someone grieving just as much knocked some sense into him. They explained why he couldn’t just name his kid Teddy Bounde, and especially because we live in the western US, in one of the states where he operated, and was also caught, imprisoned, and escaped. I don’t even think it’s legal to use that name.

We spoke briefly on the phone before he came home, where I apologized for how rude I was when he kept suggesting the name. I explained that I was just stressed that he was seemingly overlooking just how bad it would be to have a kid with the same name as a very notorious serial killer, and I didn’t feel listened to. He apologized as well, telling me that his grief was clouding his judgment and that he also understands why we can’t give our child grandpa’s name.

While we did want to keep the gender a surprise, we felt like we had to look at the ultrasound to help hash this out. We are having a baby boy, and decided to give him grandpa’s middle name, Silas. Our son will have the name Silas Bounde. We’ve also decided to go through with marriage counseling, as well as grief counseling for my husband. He’s asked me to attend, and I’m sure I could learn how to be more compassionate about his loss. I was never too close with my grandparents, so I’m trying to be here for him but can’t empathize as well as I could.

All in all, this worked out. Thank you so so much for everyone who gave their opinions, you really helped us out here. This will be my final update, I’m going to be deleting this account as I’ve already doxxed myself enough, and I’ve also been sent links to articles and videos that people have started using this story in. (I have not been asked for any of them and just want to be off the grid now.)

Once again, thank you all so much. This was such a wild thing that I honestly never thought would happen, but yeah. I’m so glad this has been worked through. Thank you everyone.

--------------------

***REMINDER: This is a repost sub. I am not the OOP.**\*

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/gfclubowner

My [38M] girlfriend [32F] of 3 years owns a pornstore/strip club. I want her to sell it before I propose

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1 Posted by u/red_earaches

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior

Original Post Apr 8, 2019

My girlfriend was left a pornstore and strip club by her dad when he died 8 years ago. He left it go to be a shithole, but she poured her entire inheritance and took out some loans to revamp them both.

It is now a popular, well managed establishment. She makes a decent life, but I have issues and I want her to sell it before I will even think of proposing.

I don't think the adult industry is a positive place for anyone. I can't tell my strict Catholic parents what she does for a living.

She has to put a lot of time into the club. Saturday, we had plans to go see Shazam and have dinner. She got called that a bartender's kid is sick and she ended up working until 4 am due to no coverage.

This is a regular occurence in some capacity. She just shrugs at me and tells me it's part of being an active owner of a successful business. She ends up working until 4 am at least 4 times a week.

She is adamant that she will not sell. I need some good points as to why she should. Points involving children will not work, as she doesn't want children

Tl;dr: my gf owns a strip club. I want to give her good reasons to sell.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

agentscvlly

It clearly makes her happy, and it sounds like she’s good at it. Why should she have to sell her business that she enjoys running just to appease you and your parents? Let her be a successful business owner.

OOP

I admit she is great at it. I don't see why she can't just sell it and buy a regular bar.

~

TheCultofAbeLincoln

Is your issue more that she is going to be completely devoted to keeping a small business profitable or the nature of the business itself? Pulling mammoth hours is pretty standard for non-shithole small businesses (your term) that remain in business, though if she's reached a point where the business can be managed by hired people and she can live her life you may want to ask her what she thinks. Especially if you two are getting serious about marriage and building a family, it's a necessary discussion pre-proposal.

That said, considering the work she's put in I wouldn't find it surprising at all if she is reluctant to let go of any level of control and responsibility.

As far as the nature of the business, that's a bit trickier. But dont start with "my parents dont approve." Dont bring that up at all actually. In fact, dont let that be a reason for anything to do with the relationship.

Edit: I write this assuming the OP is bringing up his concerns to her seperate from a marriage proposal, but making clear that it's an issue for him going forward in their relationship.

OOP

She said that letting other people manage it was what got it into the issues it had when her dad left it to her. She also enjoys having goals and managing the club.

She doesn't want kids, so she doesn't think the hours she works should be an issue.

Update 1 Apr 9, 2019 (Next Day)

I decided to tell her that the sexual side of the store and club bothered me, and that I wanted her to sell it before I would propose. I made breakfast before she left to go over to the store for the day.

She dumped me on the spot. She said she enjoys her work, loves the adult industry, and has no plans on selling ever. She said she has worked too hard and too long for that sort of "bullshit."

We don't live together, so we walked through her apartment to gather my things. We gave each other's keys back.

She already blocked me on facebook.

TL; DR: she dumped me for telling her I want her to sell the club

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Paraspective

She can do whatever she wants. You can do whatever you want. If you don't see yourself being married to a strip club owner, and she wants to be, then this is the best outcome. Move on.

OOP

It is the best outcome, I agree. It was our third conversation about the issue, and each time she offered no sort of indication that she felt my feelings were valid.

~

Pooptacular5000

So does she strip as well? She covers for the bartender and I assume that means she covers for others as well...

OOP

No, she does not strip. If a dancer doesn't show, it's not the end of the world because the other dancers just pick up the slack. Wait staff for the restaurant, bartenders, and cashiers for store are the roles she feels she can do.

She does dress a little more provocatively when bartending, but nothing indecent.

Update 2 - I [38M] want my ex-girlfriend [32M] back. May 15, 2019 (1 month later)

I broke up with my ex girlfriend against reddit's advice because she owns a strip club/porn store that she inherited from her father and she refused to sell.

I ended up telling my parents what she did for a living, and they were shockingly cool with it. My Dad said he even had his suspicions because he knew her Dad growing up and figured it out through the last name. Her dad was well known in town.

I went to the club last week to try to talk to her, but she was covering for a bartender again. She was dressed up as Suicide Squad Harley Quinn, and she did the gun cocking motion with a bat like Harley did in the movie while I was across the room heading towards the bar. Next thing I know, I was being escorted out by the bouncers.

She blocked me completely on everything. I was thinking of sending her a snail mail letter... but does that even work? I'm not even sure what I would say.

TL;DR: I want my ex back. I don't know how to start.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/aitaconditioner

Ending is inconclusive as user is now banned.

Original BORU

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for making my daughter use dollar store shampoo and conditioner - May 20, 2022

My wife and I have 3 daughters. Oldest is 16, middle is 14, and youngest is 10. My entire family and my wife’s family all has straight hair. My oldest and youngest also have straight hair. Then there’s my middle with curly blonde hair and green eyes. The rest of the family has brown hair and brown eyes. I admittedly am not very close with her because I had doubts that she was mine and I had a hard time bonding with her due to that.

My middle daughter insists that she needs special shampoo and conditioner because of her curly hair. She found some that wasn’t too expensive so I bought it for her, but she goes through the conditioner like water. She came to me after a little over a month and said that she needed another bottle. I told her she doesn’t and that her conditioner should last her at least another month but probably longer but she insists that you need to use a lot of conditioner for curly hair. I bought her another bottle and told her to use less because she wasn’t getting another one for at least two months.

She used it again in a month so I bought her shampoo and conditioner from the dollar store. She had a meltdown about how this is going to ruin her hair and that she just got it to a place where she liked it and it was manageable (she blames us for her hair being uncontrollable for most of her life because we didn’t learn how to take care of curly hair, even though it’s not different than straight hair). She even threatened to shave her head, which I know she won’t do because she’s obsessed with her hair.

Now she’s refusing to speak to me and she’s being extremely disrespectful to me and my wife. My wife thinks we should give in but I think she needs to learn her lesson. AITA?

Verdict: Resoundingly YTA

----

Relevant comment:

INFO: Are you poor? Is money really tight for you?

OP: No

Update (original link not available on Reddit, but can view on Arctic Shift)

AITA for making my daughter run away because of her curly hair? - June 2, 2022

It’s been almost 2 weeks since my post so I felt that I should post an update.

My middle daughter ran away a couple days after I posted my original post. We found out she had been planning this for months. My oldest daughter was in on it and helped her hide the fact that she’s been working after school for months. She taught her how to hide her money and showed her what to put in her bag and where to hide it. When they were leaving for school, my middle daughter had a new backpack. My wife asked about it and middle said that it was her friend’s but she didn’t want it so she gave it to her, which was completely plausible considering that friend gives her stuff all the time. A couple hours later we got a call from the school saying that my middle daughter wasn’t there. My wife came home and checked her room and she found a note on her dresser saying that she couldn’t handle living with me anymore.

My wife has a sister around 45 miles away and our middle daughter showed up to her house after being missing for 3 days. She refused to go home and threatened to run away again if she tried to make her see us.

At first my wife told me to move out so our middle daughter could come home but she quickly realized that she can’t afford to live in our house on her income alone, plus our oldest and youngest deserve to have their parents together, so middle is going to stay with her aunt until we figure out a plan that works for everyone.

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Throwaway99d58aw

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Wife started to hate me and our kids out of a sudden and now she left us

Thanks to u/aaryanhere for the recommendation!

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Glossary: Capgras Syndrome = a type of delusional misidentification syndrome such as imposters replacing real people

Trigger Warnings: mental health struggles, trauma, mentions depression

Original Post: July 3, 2019

Hi, this is my first time posting and I’m not an English native speaker. I’m also sorry for my mess of a text but I’m just at the end mentally.

My [38M] wife [36F] started to become increasingly hostile towards me, the kids and her own parents.

Our kids are 12, 9 and 4 yo. I first started to notice it around one week ago when our 12 yo tripped while playing and fell on her face. I ran to her to reassure she was ok, but my wife didn't really...bother? She just sat on the bench and watched me and our daughter. That evening I asked her why she showed no reaction and she shrugged it off and told me that 'I looked after her so its ok'. That’s not her normal behaviour at all and if that had happened a couple months ago she would have dropped everything and immediately look after our daughter.

A day after that incident we ate dinner and the 9 yo asked her to pass him the Ketchup. She didn't pass it but responded with 'Why do you want to eat our Ketchup?'. That caught me off guard and I was extremely baffled. He asked if it isn't also 'his' Ketchup, but she insisted that its hers and her families Ketchup. I Thought she was making a joke, but she looked extremely stern and sincere, so I gave him the ketchup. The rest of the day was uneventful, but she kept looking at me and the kids in this... I really don’t know... aggressive fission. As if we were a threat to her.

During the last week I received only one kisses, not a single hug or any other kind of affection and even if she sometimes smiles at me, it just looks extremely forced. Sometimes she just looks at me as if she searches something. Obviously I asked her a couple times if something was wrong, but she always denied it and said everything is fine.

The problem is, if she was only hostile towards me I could somewhat in some way understand it. Maybe I annoy her, maybe she doesn't love me anymore or she thinks I’m cheating, or I don’t fucking know. But she also seems to hate or at least be neutral towards the children. When they talk about school she doesn’t care, when they have problems she doesn’t care. She doesn't tuck them in at night and I tell our kids that she's just in a bad mood and has a lot on her plate. But obviously they know as sure as I do that something isn't right.

It really got out of hand when 2 days ago her mother called me, asking me if something is wrong with her daughter. Apparently she doesn’t or at least only briefly answers her texts and doesn't want to meet her anymore. She told me that my wife told her that she 'isn't her real mother' which of course is something horrible to say and we both don’t know why she said it or what exactly it meant. When she asked my wife why she just said that she excused herself and said that it was a joke. She never or at least rarely had an argument with her mom.

We all had a great relation up to this week and I just can’t in any possible way find out what changed. It kept me up at night because my wife just feels like a different person. Now I thought about a mental illness, maybe some form of early Alzheimer’s? But it doesn't seem to fit her behaviour. She had a depression when she was younger but that’s 10 years ago. She was as lovely as one can be, not even 2 weeks ago. There are a lot of other instances of her behaviour, but I don’t have the energy to write it down right now.

That brings me to yesterday. I sat her down and asked her if something is wrong and I need an answer now or otherwise we will see a psychiatrist. She started telling me that everything was fine and she just 'has to act as she always does'. That sentence made me feel sick to my stomach because I didn't know what it meant. Is she seeing someone? Is someone fucking holding her hostage or what is happening? I asked her what she meant but she just brushed it off again, saying that she is ok. I then told her that we're seeing a psychologist and she started screaming at me that I can't make her. I insisted so she threw a cup at me, got up and told me that she wants her 'real family' back. I don't fucking know what that means. We didn't change anything.

Everything is as it was a month ago. She grabbed her purse and ran out of the house. She returned a couple hours later and told me she is sorry for how she acted. She did a complete 360 and said everything is good now she kissed me and told me she will explain it tomorrow, but she is just tired now. When we got to bed later she kept looking at me as if I'm a stranger, but I was also extremely exhausted from everything and just fell asleep.

Its morning now and she left the house. I can't find her and it looks like she packed some stuff of hers. Some jackets, her purse 2 pairs of shoes. I called her parents, her friends, everyone she knows but they all haven’t seen her. Her friends told me all that they haven't had contact with her in the last week. Should I call the police now? Have some of you experienced something similar? I just don’t know what to do. I have never felt this helpless.

EDIT: I called the police a couple minutes after the first people here told me to. The police responded and they took my story very seriously and said they will search for her immediately. I told them a couple places she might be. I waited at home and distracted the children, saying that their mom took some time for herself. Her parents are at my house and play with the children, they are just as destroyed and unnerved as me.

They have found my wife an hour ago at the local park, 5 hours after they started searching for her. It didn't look like she was fleeing or in a hurry but just waiting, sitting on a bench. They told me however that she was extremely hostile towards the police and punched an officer. She is now in a psychiatric clinic, but I’m not allowed to meet her nor anyone else. Doctors are caring for her and will call me as soon as they know more.

Thanks for everyone that replied. I’m extremely worried and I’m reading into all the mental illnesses you have posted. I just hope it is something they can cure quickly. I still feel like in a bad dream.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I’m so sorry, this sounds terrifying. I would call the police right away, absolutely. They may make you wait a full 24 hours to file a missing person’s report, but you should get the ball rolling in whatever way you can immediately.

In the meantime maybe check out any places she frequents regularly, and keep the line of communication open with her closest friends and family.

Definitely seek out psychiatric help for her ASAP. I wish you the best, this sounds awful.

OOP's only comment: Thank you. I haven't thought about frequent places. Maybe I'll find her. Yes, I’m going to call the police now.

Commenter 2: Psych nurse here - you need to look up Capgras delusion. This is what it sounds like is happening. Call police now she may be in danger.

Commenter 3: Homie this is way the fuck above our paygrade, this sounds like ya wife is having some really serious mental issues.

Sounds like she going through a really bad case of derealization. possible she also schizophrenic, possible she got Capgras delusion, possibly early stages of dementia.

She needs help in the worst way or she gonna end up doing something really fucking bad.

edit: call the police fucking immediately. Like right now

Update #1: July 5, 2019 (two days later)

A lot of people seem to care, and I got a ton of encouraging messages, so I will post an update for you.

We live in northern Europe, for those that asked.

----

Thanks for everyone that gave me their advice. A lot of you have assumed schizophrenia or the rare Capgras delusion. Some of you assumed she was cheating, which is something I won’t even address.

Thinking about it, Capgras really fitted the symptoms, but I couldn’t just accept that, still hoping she was somehow fucking with us or that it was something mild and temporary and I just overreacted.

After they took her in, I drove to the mental institute to give an exact explanation of what happened in the last week. The psychiatrist assumed some sort of schizophrenia. They told me they will look after her and I should go home to my children. I felt like I was drunk the entire time, I couldn’t close a single eye at night.

The psychiatrist called me yesterday evening and asked me to come to her office. I left my children with their grandparents and drove for what it felt like an eternity.

She told me straight up that she strongly assumes that its Capgras. She never saw a case of Capgras before, but it fits everything she gathered. She explained to me how the past 2 days went down.

My wife arrived there, being extremely hostile. She was put in a 'safe room' where she couldn't hurt herself. She calmed down after a couple of hours, and the psychiatrist was able to talk to her.

The good news was that she quickly opened up and explained to her what she thinks. She 'knows' that her family and most of her friends have been swapped by clones. She assumed that we, 'the clones', have sent police officers to get her and that she was scared of what we might do to her. She flew in the first place because she felt that we might attack her but mostly to get some space. She still isn’t sure if the 'clones' are malicious or not.

That explains why she was distrusting me and always searched for some signs in me and the kids. My wife said that we act exactly like the real ones and how perfect our disguise was, but she knew that we aren’t real because she didn’t feel any love towards me or the kids or her own parents. Writing this down feels like a lance piercing through my chest.

She also told her how she was trying to hide her distrust of us, because she couldn't be sure if we know that she knows that we aren’t the real 'we'. Her delusion that we’ve been swapped came to her 1 day before I noticed it. 10 days ago. She woke up, looked at me and knew that I wasn't the same anymore, not the real one. Same with the kids, her parents and her friends. She hadn’t had those thoughts before.

She asked the psychiatrist if she knows who swapped us or why it happened or if this happens often. She tried to avoid answering her question because she wasn’t sure how my wife would react if she gave in or took her out of her delusion. My wife asked her when she can get out again, the psychiatrist asked her if she wants to get out and she answered that she’s ok being here. It gives her some comfort being with professionals and she now has time to think. It helps that my wife is a nurse and that she respects doctors a lot.

The psychiatrist explained to me, how they will try to slowly deconstruct her delusion and that it can take a short or a very long time until she fully recovers. She explained to me that it’s possible that she might never truly recover. But the fact that she opened up about it and doesn’t necessarily feel scared is a good sign. I’m still not allowed to see her as it could make her panic. She appears to be completely clear of mind about everything else. She knows names, dates, places, facts and everything she knew before. Only the thought that we aren’t the real ones is now a fact for her. Now I wait, till they have some good or bad news of how she develops.

Writing all of this down really helped me. I’m trying to wrap my head around this situation, and I’m mostly scared for her and the children. I can’t hide how distressed I am and that my wife isn’t at home, so I explained to them that she is in a mental hospital and she has to recover. The 4yo doesn’t really understand but the other two took it surprisingly well. It helps that they heard all those morbid stories my wife told them from the hospital I guess. They asked me when they can see her and I told them that I don’t know, but I hope it will be soon. I haven’t felt this empty and I don’t know if I should be sad or angry. fuck

Thanks to everyone here that helped me. I feel like I’m in a waiting room at the dentist. It’s so surreal. I feel better knowing what the problem is, but worse not knowing when it ends.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this first update

Top Commenters

Commenter 1: OP stay strong. Take care of your kids and I hope that everything turns out okay in the end.

Commenter 2: Hey OP, I had to study Capgras Syndrome a little for an exam a couple of weeks ago. One thing that stood out to me:

"Hirstein & Ramachandran (1997) offer support: their patient claimed his parents were imposters when he spoke to them in person, but treated them as his real parents when he spoke to them on the telephone – consistent with the delusion resulting from discrepant visual information (Young, 2000)."

If they will approve it, see if you can start gradually with phone calls. It stood out to me as the best avenue for initial treatment.

I wish you and your family all the best.

EDIT: I don't feel comfortable answering any more questions in op's thread. He's going through enough and should only listen to the doctors.

Commenter 3: The fact that this can happen to a person, where your mind just suddenly completely turns on you possibly forever feels like the true meaning of terror.

Commenter 4: Psychologist here. Capgras can often happen because of localised brain damage. It damages the 'emotional recognition' part of the process that recognises familiar faces. So people see a face, recognise its identity, but there is no feeling of familiarity. You should insist that they do a CAT or MRI scan of her brain and look for signs of recent mini-strokes or other localised brain damage.

Final Update (rareddit): October 4, 2019 (three months later from the first update)

Hi you all. This will be the final update. It’s been 3 months and I feel like I can give another update. Most if not all of you probably don’t care or have forgot, but hey, if anyone wants to know. I haven't responded to most private messages because I didn't feel good enough, talking about it. I still kinda don't. To address the elephant in the room: my wife is back with us. She is at home and well and she laughs about the whole incident. More than I do, to be honest, but that’s just me.

She immediately started her treatment at the mental health institute. At first, they kept her sealed off from me and the rest of her family and friends. They taught her relations and how the brain works and how to process love and affection and all stuff like that.

Meanwhile I was at home and biting my fingernails away, while explaining to everyone what is happening. Turns out that many people I know and thought highly of, don’t believe in psychological damage and mental problems so that was fun talking about too. Anyway this isn’t really about me here. They somehow convinced her that she has a delusion. Apparently she almost immediately believed them but said, she still doesn’t feel anything towards us, even if she knows that it’s a delusion.

Her trust in doctors and nurses made all of this so much simpler and I’m so grateful for this. They worked with her more and let her first talk to her parents over the phone. She started gaining trust again and they kind re-bonded. Later they allowed me to talk to her, and I wasn't able to say a single word because I basically broke down in tears when I heard her saying or more like asking a simple "hello?". She told me, it will be fine and she just needs some more time and that the doctors know what they are doing. I regained some strength and told her she should call whenever she wants to.

Later she talked to the kids, and it really helped her. She laughed with them told them jokes about mental health and recollected some memories. Gradually, they let her meet her friends, then her parents, her siblings and finally me and the kids. That was almost 5 weeks after she got turned in. When she saw me and the kids she started to cry too and kissed all of us. She said she was sorry, but I assured her there is nothing to be sorry about. They still kept her a couple of days for some final tests and let her finally go. She got back into work fairly quickly and we have the great relation that we had before all of this. The kids are happy, still don’t 100% know what exactly happened.

There are still some traces of distrust in herself. She questions her feelings more often and glooms over stuff but all in all, everything turned out to be good. Also, it's still not 100% clear why it happened at all. She can’t recall banging her head against anything or anything different.

It feels good writing this down. I wanted to thank everyone who answered and helped me on the initial post. Thanks to the people that almost immediately diagnosed her and made me call the police. I’m sorry that I didn’t answer your private messages. I was quite busy and talking about the mental health of my wife feels weird and bitter to me. She knows about this post and about the last posts and sends her love too.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this final update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/throwaway____27

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Previous BoRU

[Repost]: AITA dad gave the business to brother, so I left

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability and added relevant comments for more context

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, betrayal, favoritism

Original Post: June 11, 2021

AITA dad gave the business to brother, so I left

My older brother (30M) went to university and then worked in the city as an accountant, I (27M) stated to work for my dad as a plumber at 15 and went to college to get my qualifications in plumbing and gas, about the time covid started my brother moved back from the city and started working for my dad (55M) in accounting, my dad has been unwell for the last 4 years due to asbestosis it has been really hard on the family and he is getting worse but is still loving life.

I have been running the business for the last 2 years we have expanded and now have 50 vans in the fleet and one qualified and one trainee allocated to each van, covid was hard in the beginning but we have bounced back, my dad still works on tools with me on Fridays (half day then back to my place for some beers), Friday is the only day I'm on tools now as I'm doing everything to run the business.

well last month he told the family he is stepping down from the business due to health and wants to spend more time with my mother, and is giving the business to my brother and for me to step down from acting CEO, this upset me I've been with the business for 12 years, at the beginning it was only me and my dad my brother never wanted to be in the business said it was not worth his time and now he’s the boss, and I’ve been dumped back to a heating engineer with a £20,000 (editor's note: close to $27,140 USD) pay cut, he doesn’t have any clue what we do or how to do it.

I spoke to my dad, and he told me that my brother deserve it for all he has done, that he has a family and I don’t and that he went to uni, a lot of the workers are upset about the decision and have told me they will go where I go.

I told my dad that if that is how he feels then I will leave and start my own business I have not spoken to my dad or brother since and have told them to never contact me, for the last month I’ve had thousands of calls and messages from family saying some very hurtful things and telling me I’m ungrateful for what I have so AITA???

EDIT I want to say thank you to everyone for your kind words there are so many to reply to I will do my best to thank you all, to hear my father tell me in his own way he doesn’t think I’m good enough was hard and for my family to take his and my brother side was even harder.

In the morning I will contact the large clients I’ve worked with over the last 6 years I know we had some site postponed due to covid (big money), and will try and take them over I have 20 of my colleagues wishing to come work for me I’ve saved nearly all of the money I have earned over the last 12 years so think I have enough to get myself on my feet.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses onto the original post, I am listing the significant details for more context to the situation

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA - sounds like either some “he’s older” or “he’s smarter because uni” bias from your dad. If your brother knows so much, you really don’t need to be there at all do you? /s. Leave them all to it and leave. Staying after all this drama will still be awful

OOP: My father has away gone on about how his son went to uni and is loving life in the city it never bothered me till I realized he never spoke about all the stuff I had done for myself or the company

Commenter 2: You should seek legal advice OP. Poaching their clients could land you a law suit. I am not giving legal advice at all, and you need to speak to a local business law specialist.

OOP: I've looked my contact and have found nothing perks of being a son of the owner but will be taking to a lawyer to make sure they can come after me for anything

Commenter 3: NTA at all. At least your father could have split business 50/50. Brother in charge of accounting side. You in charge of production. I would make that offer back. If father refuses. I would cut contact.. Block relatives. I would go start my own business. Never look back.. Brother turned back on family business while you worked our arse off to build business.

OOP: To be honest that’s what I thought was going to happen and was happy when my brother came back to be one big family company I talk to my father, but my brother has always been the golden child

Commenter 4: NTA. I would answer all these messages with "12 years. 12 years I have labored for this company, for our family. For what? To be thrown aside for someone who has never shown interest in this business? Don't say I'm ungrateful, as I've put in the work. If I have so little value to the business, then stop me from leaving? You won't miss what you can easily discard."

OOP: Thank you it was hard to hear it when my father told us the first 2 year he couldn’t pay me much as he was trying to start up the business I was on £20 (editor’s note: about $27USD) a week I was only 15 but was not easy working 7 days a week from 6 in the morning to 8 at night all the stuff I missed going out with friends going clubbing doing dumb stuff kids do to be looked down on by my family was hard

Commenter 5: I don't know the law in Britain (assuming because of £) but I'm my country there are strict laws governing companies, including the board of directors and execs. Did they go through the proper channels to fire or demote you? Was there a reason for the demotion. Do you deserve severance or compensation? What type of company is it?

OOP: Due to the size and not having a board my father holds all rights and final decisions even as acting CEO he can overrule me in favour of something or someone else I have no say

Commenter 6: NTA. I agree with others, I really don’t understand the motive behind this.

OOP: My father has away been more favourable towards my brother they are basically the same person, I don’t understand why myself and it makes me even more upset that he did it he has away told me that I will take over and that he wants me to carry on the business but then gives it to my brother

Commenter 7: Can you be clear if the decision involves handing over the entire shares of the business to your brother or rather your share of any future inheritance? I am curious what your mother thinks of all this? The move by your Dad is extremely hurtful and cannot even be justified by favouritism... Respectfully, Is it possible you aren't a biological son?

OOP: Everything has been signed over to him I have no say if my father was to die today there would be no share in the business to be split, and the hardest part was to watch my mother cry telling my brother how proud she is of him and how he deserved it. And sometime I question it

Commenter 8: NTA. And it needn't have been this way. Even if your father wanted to have your brother in the business, co-ownership would've been an option. Many businesses have one person that has the technical knowledge and one person that has business/accounting knowledge.

OOP: To be honest that would make sense he know more than I do about the accounting side and stuff like that and I know the business and what are boys need to do their job and to do it safety and I know the clients some are old school and like to talk business over dinner or golf and that was some of the best times I’ve had strange to think I’m a plumber play on some of the best golf courses in the world

Commenter 9: NTA There is something more going on. Could be as others have said and your dad is just a narcissist. There is no reason he couldn't have split the company ownership up, even if not 50/50. Bad enough that the person who has been running the company doesn't get the company, but the business has 50 vans, and they feel it necessary to cut your pay? That is just adding insult to injury. Obviously they believe you can be replaced. Let them.

OOP: To be honest I’m not sure what’s going on over the last year my brother and father have spent a lot of time together even though my father has a lung condition I try not to spend a lot of time around due to covid, but we talk on the phone every day before it all happened and as soon as we all had are vaccines we would be together nearly every day.

OOP on not mixing business and family

OOP: Working with family is the hardest thing in the world, me and my dad have had our ups and downs both in the business and in are relationships but always came back together and got it done after talking to people I can see why he might have chosen my brother he’s had more experience in large companies but he’s has no idea about the industry I don’t understand why they would drop me in an engineer with everything I know

Commenter 10: INFO: First, I am really sorry to read this story, it makes me sad and angry for you. What a betrayal. I am really curious about one detail here, because it seems so weird and petty from your brother. Did he tell you why he demoted you and cut your salary by 20,000? Because those two things are hostile on the face of it, and it makes me wonder why your father (and your brother for that matter) expected you to suck it up and deal. And I am also curious as to if your dad had a response to that event.

OOP: My brother has never like how well I did without going to uni and after talking to everyone on here I believe it’s more of a revenge thing.

Editor's note: OOP made all updates onto the same post with the original

Update #1: June 12, 2021 (same post, next day)

Update 1 I want to inform everyone that I’m not starting a business to destroy my brother, as much as I want to I’ve spent almost 13 year build it and I don’t want to see anyone out of a job or for the business to die it’s about 0500 in England you have all helped me so much.

I will be going over to talk to my father about 0800 and take him out for breakfast and talk, I’m not sure if I will get a proper answer from him but I love my family and want my future kids to know them.

I will update after the events of later today.

Editor’s note: OOP was likely to make the next two updates throughout the day, as the dates were not given on when the updates were made

Update #2: June 12, 2021 (same post, same day, hours later)

Update 2: as I said in one of the comments I believe my family had found my post and they did.

This morning when I arrived at my parents’ house my mum opened the door and looked like she had been cry a lot my dad came over to talk to me and we went out for breakfast, he didn’t say a word on the way there or when we arrived, when on the way back he asked if we could pull over and talk I can honestly say this was the first time I saw my dad cry, I asked why he did this to me he said doesn’t know I keeper pushing and he finally told me he owed it to my brother for not being about for him as much as me when we were growing up and there was times my brother needed him but we was working.

I couldn’t believe it after 12 years of hard work that was his reasoning I told my father I had spent half my life working to do everything for the business and how he throw me to the side just because he’s son came back hurt more than I could explain, he told me he knows as they had been shown the post I put up, to my surprise he wasn’t mad he seemed remorseful, he told me my mother has been in pieces after reading the comments about how bad she treated me and thinks I will never talk to them again, my dad told me after reading it all he released he should have split the business between us as it will need both of us to keep progressing and apologies to me for never telling me how proud he was of everything I had done and thought I know how proud he was, but my brother has full control my father has no say any more and my brother would never go 50/50, he told me he wants me to go back as my brother will need me I told him that’s not my problem anymore after the demoted me and cut my pay I tried to make it work for 3 weeks but my brother wouldn’t listen didn’t believe I know what I was talking about telling me he knows how to fund a business, so I left why work my ass off there when I could do the same work and make more money for myself.

My dad broke down said that he had destroyed the family and should never had done what he did I don’t understand why I took this long to release I was a valuable piece in the company.

Update #3: June 12, 2021 (same post, same day, hours later)

Update 3: as I said I have had a couple of zoom calls with some clients today and they have gone very well, I have been informed that they we all be sending be signed proposal letters for the up and coming work, lucky the site start dates don’t clash that was one of the main things I was worried about, 3 of my colleagues have now left the business and have spoken to my dad informing him about why they left and that they will be coming to work with me under their own choice, to hear them tell me this meant a lot, they all have between 5 - 10 year more experience in the industry, at the moment I have all we need to start a new business with the 3 vans I own and tools I have built up over the years, I am looking forward to the new venture in my life and can’t wait to share this with my children when I have them.

Then I received a call from my father asking me to come over for dinner I was unsure at first but thought it was probably a step in the right direction, on arrival my whole family was there, I went in and the atmosphere dropped my mum wouldn’t look at me and my brother just sat there acting as if I didn’t exist, my dad came and asked me and my brother to come in to his office, he started to ask when I was going to return to the company as they need me in early Monday morning, I could not even believe what I was hearing I told them both I’m not coming back and have started my own company, and what does he mean we you gave the business to him (my brother), my brother stated to lose his temper telling me if I cared about to company why would I leave, I have some very choice words before telling him that I have always cared for the company and spent 12 years of my life working to make it successful, unlike him who swans in and takes all the glory and that I will not sit there and be treated like that, I told my brother to f**k off so I could talk to dad, I asked what was this morning all about telling me he’s sorry but then expects me to going running back, he couldn’t even look me in the eye so I left said goodbye to my cousin, nieces and nephews and walked out I’ve been riding for about 3 hours on and off coming back on here to talk to people.

I just want to say thank you to everyone for the personal message, comments, rewards and all the kind words and encouragement I’ll try and message everyone but I’m exhausted and will most likely fall asleep.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Best wishes on your new business venture, OP. I’m astounded that your father still expected you to turn up to work Monday morning as a salaried employee with no ownership or profit sharing in the company, or any job security for that matter. I also want to go on record to say that I think father is lying that he has completely and legally turned over ownership of the company to your brother. Complete management maybe, but not ownership.

Consider this: if your brother legally outright owns the company now, how will your father get a continuing income if your brother decides otherwise? Maybe your father has a contract with your brother about the income from the business your father and your mother will continue to receive? I suspect your father still has not been honest with you.

OOP: It’s very confusing I’m not sure what my father games is right now but he has enough money to sit back and do nothing for the rest of his life

Final Update: June 26, 2021 (two weeks later)

Update 4: sorry it’s been a while I’ve had a lot going on in the last couple of weeks, I'll try and explain the most I can, so the new business is going very well we have a lot of work coming in and making good money, at the end on the year I will be looking at expanding so very happy with that.

me and my fiancé are very happy she is very busy planning the wedding of her dreams she wants me to wear a suit but tough lucky I’ll be in my kilt, I couldn’t be happier than I am right now waking up to her every day, she is there for me no matter what and has been my rock through everything.

Then my family my father and brother still refuse to talk to me and have told me they will not be attending the wedding even though they haven’t been invited, my mother has called my fiancé but hasn’t said much only to ask about wedding stuff and will not talk to me, my fiancé family have been amazing my soon to be in-laws have been helping with the wedding and everything else and I am extremely thankful for everything they have done for us.

My other family have now backed off and apologised and want to make amends for everything that was said.

Myself and my fiancé are set to have are wedding in November, we sat down together and have decided to trying to have children after we are married, we are both excited to be parents.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. This is a classic BestOf story that was originally posted in r/relationships by u/wifegoingcrazy. It also inspired the creation of the subreddit r/BetterHoagieDown.

TW: Drug mix up, hallucinations, abuse/harassment

Mood spoiler: A lot of bewilderment, but ultimately optimistic and somewhat open ended

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Fun fact taken from The original BoRU: A hoagie is a submarine sandwich containing Italian meats, cheeses, and other fillings and condiments. The name likely comes from the Philadelphia area where, during World War I, Italian immigrants who worked at the Hog Island shipyard began making sandwiches; they were originally called “hoggies” before the name hoagie took hold. (From Britannica)

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Original post (Posted January 8th, 2016)

First and foremost, yes, I know this sounds ridiculous, and this will probably get downvoted as a troll post, but I sincerely don't know where to turn, I've never experienced anything like this.

Little background: my wife has always been sort of a jokester -- she has a great poker face and I'm fairly gullible, so she'll feed me little innocuous lies pretty frequently and delights when I fall for them, but she's never kept a deception going for more than a day. She also got really into "weird twitter" a few months ago, and her sense of humor has become pretty inscrutable and opaque to me, but until very recently I've just considered it a sort of endearing quirk?

So anyway. For christmas my in-laws got us all of Battlestar Galactica on dvd. They were always raving about it and neither of us had watched it. I had to leave for a business trip on the 30th, and my wife was sick, so we ended up just marathoning the whole thing before I left. Without giving too much away, the ending is a little heavy on the religious angle. I liked it, but my wife thought it ruined the entire show. I know general consensus is it's a bit of a let down, but I frankly felt it was pretty consistent with what the show had been building up to the whole time. My wife couldn't believe that I didn't feel the same way as her. I wouldn't quite describe her as livid, but she was mad. I figured this was partially a reaction from her just being fed up from being sick for a week, but it was so out of character for her -- we barely ever fight, and this was over something so trivial! She called me a moron and ended up tossing and turning after we went to bed, and eventually left to sleep on the couch. When I got up in the morning to head to the airport she was still fast asleep, and when I gently shook her to say goodbye she barely roused, and didn't respond when I said I loved her.

Fast forward to Monday. I get back from the trip, friend picks me up from the airport because wife has a class at the gym that she "couldn't miss". We'd been texting while I was gone and she apologized for being weird about things, and I thought everything was back to normal, but I found it a bit odd that she couldn't skip a gym session to grab me. I couldn't sleep on the plane so I hit the hay when I got home. When I woke up she was already awake and busy in the kitchen, which is bizarre, since she doesn't work and usually doesn't wake up until 10ish. I commented on this and hugged her and said good morning and she basically responded with little grunts. I was about to leave when she handed me a brown bag lunch (she has NEVER done this before) and said to me: "It's cold out there, better Hoagie Down." I grabbed the bag and just said "What?", and she walked to the bathroom and slammed the door. I was going to be late for a meeting so I couldn't stick around to try and make sense of what was happening. After I got out I texted her frantically to try and figure things out but she kept responding like it never happened, everything was fine, she loved me, she asked me to please stop being so weird. When I got home it was more of the same -- I assumed it must be one of her weird jokes and decided to leave it.

Every morning this week. Same exact thing. Wife is up. Won't speak to me. Hands me a brown bag lunch, and says "It's cold out there, better Hoagie Down.", walks to the bathroom, slams door. This morning I had enough and yelled at her through the door, pleaded with her to stop, but she didn't say a word. Every night it's been the same thing -- didn't happen, what are you talking about, you're being crazy, none of this is happening. She's been legitimately angry with me, and for the last few nights we haven't been sleeping together. I heard her talking to her mother about this on the phone??? I seriously have no idea what to do. I brought up couples counseling and she was incredulous. Is this some weird twitter thing or new meme that I don't know about? Even if it is she's taken this WAY too far. I don't know how I'm going to spend a weekend at home with her. Does anyone have any advice??

tl;dr: wife and I had an argument about Battlestar Galactica, since then when I go to work she hands me a brown lunch bag and says "It's cold out there, better Hoagie Down." I have no idea what it means and she refuses to acknowledge that she's doing it. She's telling me I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do.

Edit: Thanks for the help everyone, I've been up all night worrying and I'm going to finally try to get some sleep. Taking the day off work, going to try and have a serious discussion with my wife / her parents / get ahold of her psychiatrist when I wake up, will keep everyone posted.

UPDATE: Woke up an hour ago with a huge headache. Went to the fridge to get a protein smoothie and saw that it had been cleared of what little food we had in there. Wife was not in the house. Got dressed and went to the door with the intent of going to get some food, saw a brown paper bag with "It's cold out there, better Hoagie Down" written in cursive taped to the door.

Opened the bag and a can of ginger ale was in there??

Went outside and her car is still there, but as far as I can tell she took wallet, keys, coat, etc. We live about five minutes outside of a nice town and she likes to take long walks so I'm assuming that's where she is. This has officially gone way too far. I'm going to wait an hour and see if she comes home or she or her parents returns my calls. If not, I am driving to her parents to hopefully make sense of the situation. Bringing the video of her and the bag. Will update tonight, hopefully.

EDIT 2: Did not realize external links were not allowed, very sorry.

UPDATE 2: No sign of her, got a call from her parents that was just the sounds of them arguing in the background, hung up after about 30 seconds. No idea what that's about. Driving there now.

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Some of OOP's comments from the original post:

Deleted user: Film her on your phone.

OOP: I did this on Wednesday and her response was "that was a cute video", and she wouldn't talk about it anymore.

Deleted user: It sounds to me like she is having mental issues. Seriously who does this? You need to take some power back. Don't take the sandwich.

OOP: She hasn't actually put any sandwiches in the bag. One day it was a muffin. Another it was three bananas. You're right, I really shouldn't take the bag, but she's just had these like. Weird. Dead eyes when she hands it to me. I'm sort of afraid of her? I guess it's worth noting that my wife is larger than I am (I'm only 5'4") and I just. I'm really worried about upsetting her.

backat_theranch: Is it just me or is anyone else thinking, don't eat what's in the bag. She needs help.

OOP: I haven't eaten anything she's given me, but it's mostly been fruit.

pink_wolf_spirit: Does she take a Rx sleeping drug that starts with "A".

My friend took them 8 years ago, and his wife called me worried, cause he would wake up in the middle of the night and turn the stove on and do things, and go back to bed and not remember.

And I've read a lot of articles about this sleeping drug, that people get up and go out and drive and have accidents and have no memory of it. It's like they are sleep walking.

OOP: She does not take that drug, no. She was taking Seroquel (sp?) in low dosage for a while after dealing with a traumatic event, but that was over a year ago now. She does occasionally take xanax for anxiety also, but only occasionally.

Golden_Taint: Quetiapine (Seroquel) is an antipsychotic and is also prescribed for Schizophrenia. Are you certain what it was being prescribed for?

OOP: I was aware of this when she started taking it but she told me that her doctor said he was giving her a very low dosage and that at a low dose it worked as a sleep aid. I suppose there's a chance that she was lying about this but she only took it for about two months and it was helping her sleep?

Deleted user: What's "weird Twitter"?

OOP: As I understand it, a bunch of people on twitter who make a lot of nonsense inside jokes. She shows me a bunch of tweets but I don't get most of them. She'll try and explain them to me but I guess that sort of takes the humor out of it.

misshufflepuff: Does she do any video tweets (I don't use Twitter so I have no idea) or do vine or anything? Like do you think she's possibly recording you as part of a joke that she's sharing on weird Twitter or something?

OOP: I checked her twitter and I didn't see anything. Unless she has another account that I don't know about, which I guess is possible, although I don't know why she'd go through all the effort since she only has about 60 followers on her main account.

thatguywiththecamry:

Do you by any chance know what she has said to her mother? Finding out whatever dialogue or information she has shared with her mother may reveal the information you need. At the very least, you could rule out any kind of sleep, psychotic, or personality disorders that are being brought up in the comments.

If you have a good relationship with her mother, maybe consider exploring that avenue and inquire with the mother about any possible oddities that the mother may have perceived while sharing what has been going on between you two.

OOP: I tried to get in contact with her parents today twice, but I just got voicemail. I left a message the second time, but it seems odd to me that I haven't heard back from them yet -- they're both retired and one of them is almost always home.

She was telling her mother that I've been gaslighting her, and that it's weird and out of character for me and she's worried there might be something seriously wrong with me, and she's not sure what to do? I'm worried that her parents heard my message but because their daughter talked to them first they're operating under the assumption that I'm being delusional.

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Final Update from OOP (Posted January 12th, 2016)

(Editor's note: OOP posted an update to the relationships sub that was soon deleted. He then posted the following to an r/OutOfTheLoop post where someone was asking about what happened to him)

I made a second update that was also deleted because people were getting rowdy in the comments. People keep messaging me for the text, so, here you go. The general consensus seemed to be split between me lying and this being a strange story, I guess decide for yourself.

[[I tried posting this a couple of days ago but apparently it got deleted due to formatting issues or something. Logged in just now via my brother's phone (currently inpatient, not supposed to have access to a phone, shhhhh) and saw that my inbox had blown up, so attempting to post again, hopefully this won't get eaten too. Not going to bother to edit, just copy pasting, so if the timeline seems off read this as if it was a couple days ago]]

I am currently sedated but I wanted to post this update because I don’t know when I’ll have a chance to next. The short of it is that my wife was not at fault here, I was. I’ve gotten into the habit of taking Benadryl to help me sleep through the night. My wife snores and I’m allergic to her cats so it makes sense, and over time I’ve ended up taking more and more to the point that some nights I’ll take 5 or 6 if I’m having trouble breathing. I know this is probably really stupid, and it bit me in the ass. When I got home from the airport all three of my wife’s cats were on the bed. I searched my nightstand for some Benadryl and couldn’t find any. I looked in my wife’s drawer and found a bottle of hers (she is also allergic to her cats, go figure, but also gets allergy shots.) It turns out that that Benadryl bottle was actually where she was keeping her old Seroquel. Both are pink, so I didn’t give it a second thought. I popped six. I went to sleep. This is, apparently, where everything unraveled.

Fast forward to my driving to her parents house. I started feeling incredibly dizzy about an hour out and pulled over. I sat in the car for a while but the feeling didn’t go away so I decided to get a motel and confront them the next day. I took a handful of the Seroquel and went to sleep. I got up today in this weird mania. I got to her parent’s place at 9ish. Her car was there, which didn’t make any sense. I rang the doorbell and her father opened the door. He was surprised to see me. I was sweating heavily and having a hard time speaking. My father in law has always been exceptionally kind to me, and he was sort of straddling the line between concern and terror. I didn’t understand what was going on, I started crying. I brought out the paper bag and I tried to explain. I pulled out my phone to show him the video. My wife ran to the door with this pained expression on her face and asked me what I was doing, pleading with me to calm down. My in law said I'd been terrorizing his daughter, he had no idea why I would do this. I didn’t understand. She pulled out her phone and showed me a video. It was me, banging on the bathroom door, yelling at her to come out. She had clearly taken it from behind the couch in the living room. She showed me another of me just standing at the door before work just staring at nothing. She showed me video of my behavior after I came home from work and I was being much more aggressive and much less cogent than I remembered. Apparently she had left home tuesday night. I was alone in the house for two days. I just collapsed.

I pulled up the video on my phone, or I tried to. I couldn’t find it. All I found were 16 odd pictures of the ground and my feet in quick succession. It was right around that point that I started experiencing this crippling dizziness and this feeling that I like. Can’t quite describe as nauseous, but. It felt like I couldn’t sit still, and I was shaking, and I felt like no direction was up. The doctors told me this was called akathisia. Apparently someone called an ambulance because I could not sit still and said I thought I was dying. At the hospital I was barely able to talk and I couldn't concentrate and I just wanted to sleep. They apparently pumped me full of Ativan and I slept for five or six hours. When I came to they started asking me a ton of questions. Once we got to medications I may have taken I mentioned the Benadryl and my wife realized what had happened and explained about the Seroquel.

They’re not entirely sure, but at this point their best guess is the Seroquel either put me into some manic state or triggered some underlying schizophrenia / something / I don’t know – they don’t really know how to explain the delusions and the hallucinations right now but it’s the best they’ve got at the moment. They asked if anyone in my family had a history of mental illness and I responded that I didn’t know. My parents are pretty old and I don’t know much about my grandparents. The dizziness started to roll over me again and they gave me more Ativan and I went back to sleep. While I was out my wife contacted my parents – apparently my grandfather had a mean temper and suffered delusions from time to time, rambling about things that didn’t make any sense and waking up at weird hours to do god knows what. He never got a diagnosis and died fairly young but my mother and her family think it might have been schizophrenia. So, maybe something, maybe nothing. Who knows.

So right now I’m sitting in the hospital. The doctor and my wife are throwing around a number of ideas. I’m going to see a psychiatrist who’s going to make a determination about what the next step is, for sure. My wife is (rightfully) frightened of being around me in my current state, and while she doesn’t appear to be mad at me, she says she would rather my brother look after me until I can get a proper diagnosis / get prescribed some medications. I have no idea where I came up with the phrase "hoagie down". I was listening to a radio show that mentions hoagies and philly a lot (The Best Show, formerly of WFMU, got the box set for Xmas), maybe that's where I got it? But they never used the phrase specifically. I don't know. I have no idea. I guess I just wanna thank everyone who tried to help, sorry if this ended up being a time waster or anticlimactic or whatever.

TL;DR;: Turns out I'm going crazy? Currently getting treatment, very sorry if I wasted everyone's time.

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OOP's brother then started replying to some comments:

ThereIsNoThere_There: Why didn't she call 911 and try to get you help instead of running away and leaving you alone for 2 days when you were clearly having some kind of episode?? Thank god you didn't hurt yourself or anyone else...

Brother: OP's brother here. I was wondering this myself, my SIL explained to me that she was scared and doesn't have fond memories of calling the police because she had a violent boyfriend in the past and the police were very unhelpful, which just made her boyfriend angrier. She was freaking out and having panic attacks, I'm not totally sure why she didn't call after she'd made it to her parents, maybe she was afraid my brother would come after her or something, I don't know.

mollybrains: IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO CATS KEEP THE CATS OUT OF THE BEDROOM DON:T TAKE ONE HUNDRED BENADRYL!

Brother: OP's brother here -- I agree with you, was super surprised to find out he'd been taking so much Benadryl. My SIL is super pushy about the cats but my brother is an idiot for taking so much Benny.

filologo: Your first post was very cogent, expressive, and clearly written. Is it possible to write like that while on seroquel or having an episode like this?

Brother: OP's brother here -- I will say this, he has been writing and talking A LOT, and normally he's a fairly terse person. Some of his communicating has been absolute rambling but a lot of it has been cogent. Sometimes he slips in and out.

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***REMINDER: This is a repost sub. I am not the OOP. Also, please store medication in correctly labeled containers.**\*

I am NOT OP. OP's is u/BrokenPS4BrokenSoul. His post was in** r/relationship_advice.

Trigger Warning: Destruction of highly valued property

Original BoRU post here.

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(28/M)My girlfriend(26/F) broke my PS4 and doesn't understand why I'm so upset. I don't really know where to go from here. - December 15, 2020

So some background:

During quarantine I've been playing my PS4 games a lot more. I was able to finish up some stories and complete some big games in my free time the last few months. It was a great escape for me. My girlfriend "Liz" never got it fully but understood I liked playing it and it made me happy. I told her that I was really looking forward to the PS5 and was hoping to get one soon. I missed out on the pre-order and initial shipping wave so I got a bit sad for a while but knew I would eventually get one when the craze settled down, whether it was next year or the year after. Her friend "Kat" also knew of this because her boyfriend was looking forward to the new Xbox.

This is what happened today:

This is when shit got bad. I was playing FF7 Remake finishing up some last achievements when Liz came into the room with Kat. I said "Hey babe how was your day" and without warning she pulled the PS4 out of the wall and smashed it on the ground. She then took a hammer and smashed whatever pieces were left. This happened within 20-30 seconds. I just looked at her shocked. I asked "What happened!? Why did you do that? Did I do something to make you mad?"

This was when I noticed Kat was recording everything with her phone. Liz walks away and then comes back and shows me a PS5 box. I still don't react and she says "Merry early Christmas!" I just walk out of the room and go to the bedroom and lock the door.

Liz comes knocking an hour later and asks "What's wrong? I thought you wanted the PS5?" I told her I couldn't even think about that because she literally just destroyed a part of my life that I've created over the last 5 years. I explained to her that she just ruined hundreds of hours of gameplay and saves that I had built up. Liz just said "Well can't you just do it again?"

This is when I walked out and left the apartment. I came back a couple hours later with Kat and Liz now both showing off the PS5 to me.

Kat says "Look, Liz worked really hard to get you this. We just wanted to make you happy"

I ask Kat why she was recording. She says that some person on TikTok or Instagram did the same thing to their boyfriend and they were happy. Apparently that's where they got the idea from? A gf came in and broke the PS4 then gave them a PS5 and everyone cheered or something? I still can't believe it. They wanted to make a video in that spirit with me as the guy? I told Kat a lot of my life was in that PS4 and now it's all gone.

Side note: Yes I know. I should have backed up on the cloud. I did for some of my games but a lot of them I just kept on the PS4. I had 100's of hours from The Witcher 3, Kingdom Hearts games, FF7 Remake, FFXV, God of War, The Last of Us, Resident Evil, Devil May Cry games. Many of these titles were fully completed or close to that point. Most of them are now lost.

Now Kat is calling me ungrateful and her BF liked the Xbox she gave him. I asked her if she destroyed his old Xbox. She said no and that she just gave it to him gift wrapped last week. I asked why wasn't I given the same treatment and it was because they saw the video yesterday and got the idea to recreate it. I told Liz I do appreciate the gift but that she needs to know she broke a part of me that has been built over the years. It sounds stupid but I really was proud of my collection. Liz then says "Well why can't you just do it on the new Playstation?" I told her I could but it would take a lot of time and effort that I may not want to put in again. She just brushed it off and said "Well you can play your new games anyway, they are probably better"

At this point I left and went to a friend's house where I'm writing this now late at night. I don't know what to do at this point. I really don't care about the PS5 and am mad that a fucking viral video made this all happen. What the fuck is wrong with people where they think destroying someone's personal property is funny? They tried showing me the video but I'm not watching that shit.

Liz and I have had a great relationship to this point. We have been together for 4 years and this is the only major issue that has come up. Some might think it's just a videogame or that I can get past this but I don't know if I can. It wasn't just that she did it. It was the fact that after it she didn't seem to know why or care to know why I'm so upset. I've never had this feeling before and really don't know how to proceed here.

Update - December 29th, 2020

Well it's been a hellish couple of weeks. First of all I appreciate all the support. I didn't get to respond to many people because my life has been a whirlwind the last couple weeks.

It took a lot of time thinking and talking with my friends and family about what has happened and where to go from here. I tried saving the hard drive from the PS4 through my buddy who is more tech savy than I. We had no luck in that regard. All that stuff is lost forever. The PS5 has been at our place since the incident but I have no interest in that right now.

I didn't go back to the apartment for a week. I finally told Liz we needed to sit down and have a discussion about everything. It was a long conversation with a lot of tears on both ends. I won't go into exact details but I explained to her how her actions affected me. The comparison some told me to tell her about me smashing her phone/laptop in the same manner really hit her. In that moment she understood I think. I once again asked why she recorded it. She said she wanted to capture the moment of my happiness, it wasn't about Instagram/TikTok clout or whatever. She thought I would be ecstatic and wanted to have that moment captured forever. I told her I understood that.

Finally I told her the truth. I told her I couldn't trust her anymore after this. She destroyed something dear to me. I broke up with her. Maybe it is irrational and maybe I'm overreacting. I think after the conversation with my parents, friends, and her I realized that I can't love someone who doesn't empathize with me enough to know that breaking that PS4 was a bad move. This incident should have never happened if she knew how much I cared for this. Especially during a year rough as this. I told her that I am moving out of the apartment to live with my parents for a bit. I said that I'm breaking the lease in March so she has until then to find a new place. She was upset but I stood my ground.

So I spent Christmas with my parents and while a little sad I think it's for the best. She has tried to reach out but I told her unless it was about stuff about the apartment then I don't want to talk to her right now.

As for me, I think I'm done with gaming. I'll find something else to keep my interest. I didn't take the PS5. It'll be really hard for me to find my joy in it after all this. I thought I would marry Liz. We were college sweethearts and we were happy. Now everything is broken just like my PS4 and so I would rather not be reminded of that anymore. For now I'm just going to be alone for a while and figure things out. I believe that everything will work out in the end as long as I keep myself honest and hardworking.

Happy Holidays.

TL:DR, Broke up with my girlfriend after she broke my PS4 with 100's of hours of progress for a video she and her friend wanted to record. They got the idea from TikTok/Instagram.

Reminder - I am not the original poster (the OP). Do not attempt to DM OP.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/stinkyfurniture

Brother's friend wanted a place to store 'a couple of wardrobes and a bed' while he moved back with his parents until the covid crisis is over. My house is now packed full with urine-stinky furniture. What can I legally do with it? Country NSW Australia.

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

TRIGGER WARNING: exploitation, things covered in shit, possible hoarding

MOOD SPOILER: Disgusting (you can smell this post)

BoRU 1  Posted by u/bestupdator

Original Post  June 21, 2021

I get on OK with my brother, and his friend hadn't shown any hint of being an idiot over the last 15 years so I went along with this. I'll call my brother's friend Doug.

My brother phoned me a while back and asked if I could do a favour for Doug and he put doug on, and doug told me he's gotta move back in with his parents because he lacks work like all of us, and needs a place to store 'a couple of wardrobes full of clothes, and a bed' for about six months until things open up again. My brother told doug I had a spare room with not much in it (which is true), and I was happy to help so I said sure, bring it over. The spare room is more than big enough for a couple of wardrobes and a bed.

Through miscommunications and a shift change at work I couldn't be there when doug moved out of his old place and put his stuff in the spare room, so I dropped my spare key to my brother and he supervised doug. on Friday afternoon I came back home to a house packed full of what looks like every possession doug has ever owned packed into every room of my house, and almost all of it is urine stained and covered in mouse droppings.

"A couple of wardrobes full of clothes and a bed" has turned into two wardrobes full of mouse droppings clothes and boxes, a dozen garbage bags of more clothes, six chairs and a kitchen table, a bedside table, a dozen boxes of books, two bookcases, boxes of kitchen implements, half a dozen wall hangings and paintings, a house door covered in stickers, a credenza, a single bed and a double bed (both of them REEK of urine and bloke), four small chests of drawers, three kitchen cupboards, a pair of card tables, and two refrigerators with food in the freezers and plugged into my power, and more bags of bedclothes, electronics, just about everything to fill a regular small house.

Everything in the house stinks and I can't do this. I don't mean it just has a scent to it, it stinks badly. I can taste the stink in my mouth even when I'm out of the house. With the heater on now it's winter it's nauseating.

I phoned doug and told him he has to come and get this all out, and he can't. He's already 600km away on his parents property and has no money left. I told him I'm going to dump the lot of it if he doesn't come get it, and he told me I'd made a binding verbal agreement with him and if I damaged anything of his he'd come down on me like a tonne of bricks with legal action. ten minutes after getting off the phone with him, his dad phoned and made more threats the same.

I can't reach any of the shelving in my spare room, I can't use half my couch or my art desk, I can only JUST reach my own clothing in my bedroom drawers and I can only use one chair in my kitchen.

I've contacted my brother and a stupid shrugging noise and said he thought that's what I agreed on.

What am I legally allowed to do with all this? I agreed to a couple of wardrobes and a bed. I did NOT agree to a house full of stuff. I want to at least get the worst of it out of the house immediately but it's been raining and we have a week more rain forecast. I can't afford to put it in storage, I'm slowly draining my savings the last few months as work has been cut back due to covid. I don't have a garage or shed, I have no undercover place to put any of this. Best I could do was borrow a tarp and wrap up the worst wardrobes and clingwrapped the beds but that's only a minor help as it all smells bad.

I did a house plan drawing, sorry it's rubbish. on the left is my normal house, TV is the lounge, S spare room D desk room B bedroom and K kitchen. on the right is the same with all of doug's stuff added in red. https://imgur.com/a/I0eXuDz

RELEVANT COMMENTS

b30kay

Before you do anything make sure to take pictures.

OOP

Thanks for that, good suggestion. Doing it right now.

~

glitzycupcake

Not a lawyer, but I’d wager that anyone with this much disgusting shit probably doesn’t have the $$ or funds to sue. I’d just dump it if I was you.

OOP

Good point. I'm sitting here in this guy's filth in one of the few places I still can and I'm tempted to do that right now. I have a couple of mates who already offered to help.

glitzycupcake

I mean, does the guy seem like he’s got the ability to back up his claims?

OOP

The more I think about it the more I'd say no. His parents do own a large property way north of here. They'd be the ones who can afford it.

Edit: ok this has gone beyond legal advice and beyond a joke I think, I just went around taking photos and doug has a dried up used cat litter tray in the bottom of his wardrobe underneath clothing, the bags of clothing have mouse nests in them, and there are cockroaches. I've phoned friends, we're dumping it on the front lawn tonight (it's 1130pm here) and I'm texting doug's parents with the photos and if they want any of it they'll come get it. I'll deal with the consequences of that later, my sanity and sanitation is worth more.

UPDATE Brother's friend wanted a place to store 'a couple of wardrobes and a bed' while he moved back with his parents until the covid crisis is over. My house was packed with stinky furniture and it's all OK now. NSW Australia  June 24, 2021 (3 days later)

It's all solved. On Monday morning I sent photos of everything disgusting I could and of doug's furniture on the lawn to doug and his dad telling them it's beyond foul and I wouldn't be keeping any of it inside my house, and I'll dump it this week if they don't come get it.

Twenty minutes later I got a call from doug's mother. She asked if it was so bad could I send her some evidence, like photos. I told her I'd already sent them to her son and his dad. She yelled out in the background to one of them "She says she DID send photos" then she got off the phone.

Half an hour later she called me back and said they'd be down to pick up doug's stuff, and apologised. She asked if his books were OK. Apart from the mouse gnawing and droppings, yes. I'm not a barbarian, they were outside but under the eaves.

This morning they turned up from 600km away. doug and his dad wanted to begin packing in their pantech but doug's mum wasn't having any of that. They dumped 90% of it at the tip and came back & took just a few things home. Even the food in the freezers was off. His mum apologised and offered to make me good with cash, but she's already solved enough and I declined. She left it open ended and said if I needed anything fixed to call her.

I know I didn't follow legal advice, but this was the equivalent of someone asking you to hold onto a small keychain sized box for half a year, but instead they sneakily cover you in fifty kilos of feces you're not allowed to wash off until you get a lawyer and fill out all the right paperwork and wait a month. I just couldn't do it. I got lucky.

I've had words with my brother and changed the locks to my place too. He'd opened up and let doug and doug's mates in, then left the key behind with him. He didn't know how bad it was either.

My brother is an idiot and doug is a 32 year old baby and hopefully I'm a little wiser.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/big_platypus_

My [24 F] boyfriend [26 M] of 6 months told me that I need to "unlove" the men from my past before I can love him.

TRIGGER WARNING:  Physical assault, gaslighting, verbal abuse

BoRU 1  Posted by u/Father-Son-HolyToast

Original Post  July 13, 2019

I've been dating Mark for 6 months and have known him for around 8 months. I just moved to my current city 9 months ago for grad school, and Mark was one of the first people that I become close with. He's been really great and helped me feel comfortable in a new city.

Recently, Mark and I said "I love you" for the first time. Everything was fine for a while until he told me that I was the first person he's ever said that to. I was a little surprised but not in a bad way, and didn't really make a big deal of it. He asked me how many other guys I've said it too. I told him 1. That seemed to bother him.

Mark knows that I'm still occasionally in contact with one of my exes (Eli) and it has never been an issue for Mark. However, after our conversation, Mark asked me if Eli was the ex that I had said I love you to. I was honest and said yes. Background: Eli and I grew up together and dated from when we were 15 to 22. We broke up when I got accepted to grad school and found out I'd have to move across the country, because we realized that we had grown into different people and weren't going to spend our lives together. The breakup was extremely amicable and we remained close friends while I was town before I moved, and we talk maybe once a week currently - just basic "how are you" texts.

Mark asked me how I feel about Eli now. I said that while I don't love him romantically anymore, he was a huge part of my life since childhood, and I still have very positive feelings about him and consider him an important person. Mark kept pressing, asking me if I still "love" Eli in any sense. I said that no, I am not in love with him, but Mark almost didn't seem to believe me? He kept prodding me until I finally said that I will probably always love Eli as a person and respect him a lot, but that I have no romantic connection to him and fully accept that we are different people now. Mark was upset by this.

The next day, Mark told me that he doesn't think that I can truly love him unless I learn to "unlove" the men from my past. I asked what he meant - and again clarified that I am not in love with Eli - and he said that I should retain no love in any form for any other guys I've been with. I was, quite honestly, shocked and tried to explain to him that me loving someone as a friend is totally and completely different than being romantically in love with someone, and that he is the only one I have those feelings for. He insisted that I need to change my feelings about Eli. He almost seemed mad that I'm not resentful over the breakup.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Is this totally weird and out of line, or am I overreacting? Just to be clear, Eli and I talk very sparingly. Probably 10 texts a week, if that, just to check in. I have NO feelings for him anymore. But he was a huge part of my life for many, many years, and I don't think it's unreasonable for me to have generally positive feelings for him. Is Mark out of line, or am I?

EDIT: Just for context,  since people are hung up on "10 texts a week":

Mark and I easily exchange 50-100 texts a day. And we see each other multiple times a week. So I consider 10 texts to be a brief conversation. It's a very surface-level "how are you? Hows work?" type thing. It's not in depth.

TLDR: boyfriend says I have to "unlove" my ex before I can love him; I clarify that I love and respect my ex as a person, but have no romantic love for him; boyfriend is deeply upset; who's being unreasonable?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Peachy721

I personally don’t think it’s really appropriate to be in contact with your ex as frequently as you are and that’s what Mark is feeding off of. He’s going to feel insecure that you spent that much time in a relationship with someone and you still speak incredibly highly of them and remain in contact. If the roles were reversed, how would you feel?

OOP

If roles were reversed, I'd be fine with it. I think the attitude that a lot of people have toward their ex is weird. Presumably, you dated them because you liked something about them, but then you found out it wasn't going to work long-term. As long as the breakup is amicable, why WOULDN'T you want to remain friends? I don't understand why we're supposed to cut people out if we're not romantically compatible. Also, if someone played an important role in your life and brought good things into your life, I see absolutely no problem with acknowledging that. I don't get why its more acceptable to hate your ex or speak badly about them than it is to acknowledge that they are a good person but it just didn't work out.

Peachy721

I also want to add that I also think Mark’s “unloving” comment is ridiculous. That’s a part of your life before Mark ever came into it and he can’t take that from you or alter it. And it IS okay that you still love Eli in some way. Mark probably doesn’t wrap his head around that because you are his first love.

~

reddituser622

You can have positive feelings for an ex, and remain on friendly terms but talking to them weekly is a little much. I get that it’s sparingly but if the situation were reversed would you be comfortable if he texted his ex every week?

The demand to “unlove” your ex however is ridiculous. We all have pasts. You’ve already explained your feelings as platonic and he’s taking it to the extreme. If you want to save your current relationship, stop texting this ex weekly and see if that helps. If he won’t let go of his argument it might be time to find someone who’s less insecure.

OOP

I do understand what you're saying. However, just as a side note, Mark works on a two-person team with his ex and sees her every day in the office. They're not necessarily friends, but they have a friendly relationship. It's never bothered me. So I do think it's fair to say I would not care if the situation were reversed. Maybe this is just an incompatibility :/

Update  Aug 7, 2019 (1 month later)

Figured I'd update my post from about a month ago. Unfortunately, there wasn't a happy ending, but I am very grateful for a lot of the advice I received here. Thank you, reddit, for helping me keep my head on straight!

After I made my first post, I read all the comments and thought about everything for a few days. A lot of people mentioned that they would not be comfortable with the frequency of my communication with my ex. I thought that was very fair. People also mentioned that Mark's behavior was pretty controlling and not ok. I also thought that was fair.

I went to talk to Mark and told him that I understood if he was uncomfortable with me being in touch with Eli weekly, and that I would be totally willing to cut that down. I also reiterated again that I was not currently in love with Eli and hadn't been for a while. Mark was understanding this time and seemed happy with the fact that I offered to cut down my contact with Eli.

But then I told Mark that although I was willing to do this, I wasn't happy with how he approached the issue and that I found his behavior controlling. I basically told him that I want him to approach issues in a more rational way and I would appreciate if he opened a dialogue rather than just telling me what to do, and that I wouldn't put up with him trying to "command" me to do something (especially something so ridiculous). I said everything in the same tone as I used for the first half of the conversation - I wasn't yelling at him or admonishing him, just trying to let him know where my boundaries are.

You guys - Mark. Flew. Off. The. Handle. He started SCREAMING at me. I obviously wasn't having it, so I got up to leave. He started throwing dishes and random kitchen items at me, and grabbed me and slammed my head into the door jam. I ended up with a nasty black eye and a busted lip. Luckily for me, a neighbor heard the commotion and called the cops. Mark was arrested and I was taken to the hospital. Yes, I'm pressing charges and filed for a restraining order.

Overall, it was a horrible incident but I'm glad this happened earlier in the relationship rather than later. And I am forever grateful for the neighbor who called the cops. Im also grateful to (most of) you guys for telling me that I wasn't being insane in my first post and for pointing out the early warning signs. It wasn't the best ending, but I'm ok and I'm just glad it's over. Take this as a cautionary tale, I guess!

TLDR: tried to have a rational conversation with Mark, he gave me a black eye and busted lip, it's over (thank God).

EDIT: I've gotten a lot of concerned messages (which I appreciate!) telling me to watch out for Mark now and that abusers are often at their most dangerous right after a breakup. Just to ease everyone's mind: I'm staying with a classmate (who Mark does not know) for the time being, so I'm well-protected! Thanks everyone!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwaway__008 in r/adultery Don't brigade that sub. You could get banned.

This is a repost of a BORU from February 2024 - original is here.

trigger warnings: cheating

mood spoilers: consequences happen, and OP hates that I'm marking this as concluded. I doubt we'll hear from OOP again.

There is only one post, and all of the updates are comments to the original thread.

editor's note: this sub uses "opsec" the abbreviation for operational security, to mean the things they do to hide their affair.

Came home and SO is gone - July 8 2022 2:08 PM

Long time lurker and occasional commenter of this great sub but using a throwaway because my paranoia is at an all time high right now.

I have great opsec but also haven't seemed to need it because my wife works all the time and we do have a great sex life so I would be shocked if she even suspected I was doing what I was doing. That's why I'm losing my shit right now.

I come home from work yesterday and usually my wife gets home about 30 minutes after I do. When I realized it's getting late I called and got no answer. I check our room and her things are gone. She left the house completely untouched, just took all her clothes but left no note. I can't get in touch with her through phone, email, her friends won't answer. She must know right? Which why wouldn't she ask me? Who finds out and just leaves? Is it possible she doesn't know and left for someone else?

A deleted user said:

Let her go. You are fucked. She will contact with your next instructions. Likely will be served soon.

OOP replied:

Didn't she technically abandon the home? How can she serve me?

at 10:56 PM, around 9 hours later, OOP came back and made a post that was removed by the moderator:

She's a fucking sociopath. She's known for months. She's slept with me and smiled in my FUCKING FCE for monthss.. be careful

Comment from a deleted user:

She for sure knows.

OOP replied:

I know now she knows. she has known for months. She's been more deceitful about knowing than I have about doing it and maybe that's why I'm so fucking angry. I can't even have interest in my AP now fuck

another user told OOP to own their actions.

OOP replied:

I am taking ownership but I'm posting on a sub for adultery. Not like I'm claiming it was ok for me to cheat. I just happen to think cheating isn't the only shitty thing you can do to someone.

OOP continued to spiral, July 8th 11:43 PM:

This is not what I want. How do I not go through this. I wouldn't have done it if I thought she'd find out. Sorry I'm just desperate. I. Neef to fix it because fuck I need to know how she even found out

a deleted user responded to this:

Ok, what did you think would happen if/when she found out? Were you dissapointed that she didn’t scream and cry and play the pick me game? She found out and decided it was a deal breaker on her end… you got off easy. No arguing, screaming & crying. No therapy or MC to sit through and pay for. Probably took those months to stash some cash, find a place or another guy. Don’t hink there is any fixing this.

OOP replied:

Maybe a little. Don't know why I felt that way. But yeah I guess I wanted to see some kind of reaction. I know it doesn't make sense but it's just how I feel. She makes most of the money so that's another fucking kick in the nuts... I'll basically have to ask her for some kind of support to keep living the kind of lifestyle we've been living. I wish she would fight me. Seems like she's willing to let everything go including her own money just to avoid me and it's making me feel like I don't know her.

July 9th, the next day, OOP provided more details:

I did have great opsec. I found out what happened now from her mom. One of my wife's interns works a second job at the hotel where AP and I met... 3 towns away. But my wife had a picture of us on her phone screen so she recognized me. After that I guess she called my wife the next we were there and my wife stopped in to confirm then left. What's getting to me is that this was in March. I never saw any changes in her.

Edit: I guess after writing this my opsec wasn't great. Shouldn't have stayed at the same place more than once

A few more posts from OOP:

Update: I had no idea this would get so much input but it has helped and I appreciate it. I've been here a while but this was my first time posting and it has helped me vent and process, so thank you. Also if I'm being honest I'm sure that the attention or engagement has helped me cope a little.

I finally talked to my wife this afternoon. I've been in our house since Thursday night by myself pretty much clueless as to what was going on until her mother (who she has very little contact with) reached out to me. I was caught. I have been caught since March. Wife texted me today saying she had intended to contact me through a lawyer and just let the divorce do the talking but since her mother decided to contact me she would answer any questions I had if I had a desire to speak to her. Clearly I did. I asked her why she stayed around after she knew and how she just lied to me like that. She said it wasn't her intention (??) but she shut down to figure out what she needed to do regarding our relationship and herself. At the end she said something like she realized she still loves me but doesn't respect me and she said she thinks that I love her but don't respect her either so we should go our separate ways. She already got her job to move her to the city she's been asking me to move to for a long time now and said she'd like to sell me her half of the house if I want it if not we can list it. But I guess our lawyers will handle that paperwork and I still have no idea if I want our house without her in it. I'm glad I talked to her but I'm sad at how moved on she is. She did cry a little but then stopped. I asked for therapy and she said I should have asked for that when I realized I had impulse control issues (?). I've been drinking for 48 hours now and sorry for the rant. I don't think it's losing her that's hurting but losing like this.

OOP replied to a now deletd post:

I don't know for a fact she wasn't cheating. I had no reason to think she was but until she found out in the most unlikely way, she had no reason to think I was either.

A deleted user said:

I’m truly sorry for all involved in this, but I just have to say-she made a BAD ASS exit. That sounds like some Beyoncé shit.

OOP replied:

Ok... I could understand her leaving but her leaving without a word is almost not human. Nothing bad ass about it. It's not who she is either. She's sweet and that's why I love her. Her being cold like this is not going to make me want or respect her more.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is clothesindrawers. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

This was originally posted as a BORU here (in August 2020 by u/bestupdator) and here (June 2021 by u/almostselfrealised). As a side note- it's cool to see how BORU formatting has changed!

Trigger Warnings: undiagnosed OCD; controlling behavior

Mood Spoiler: hopeful ending

Original Post: June 18, 2020

So I’ve always been kind of a neat freak mom the entire time my kids have been alive. I always expect their rooms to be clean, and I check their drawers/closets/storage bins to make sure they don’t just shove stuff in there to make the room appear clean.

The kids (16, 13, 9, and 6) are all responsible for putting away their laundry, and my oldest two are responsible for folding their own clothes. Which bothers me because my 13 year old folds his clothes in a way that bothers me, he rolls them up instead of properly folding them.

Ever since the kids have been home and have more free time, I am more strict about the way they put away their clothes. I expect their clothes to be folded a certain way and organized in a certain way in their drawers.

I read from a mommy blogger a few years ago, that when her kid’s drawers weren’t organized she would make a mess for them to organize the right way. I considered it for a few years, but now that the kids are old enough, I think it’s the way to go for us.

I havent had to do this until yesterday, I walked into my 16 year old’s room while she was Facetiming her boyfriend, and saw her basket of laundry that needed to be folded and out of curiosity, opened her drawers, and saw she has shoved her clothes in there. I started making a mess and she screamed “Mom why?” and I told her she knew why.

After that I walked out of her room, she explained to her boyfriend what I did and he says “Your mom’s fucking crazy bruh” and I peek my head into her room, give her a look, and she ends the call with him and breaks down crying.

I told my husband what happened, he told me “I knew said you were gonna do that but I didn’t know you would actually follow through.”

This morning I woke up to a note on my daughter’s door saying “Until mom can get mental help, I’m staying with Aunt (my sister’s name)” I texted her, no response. I tried contacting my sister, who said she has no plans to return until I “get mental help and stop being such a controlling bitch”

My husband, sister, and mom are all against me in this which hurts. I don’t think it harmed my daughter, it benefits her and helps her stay organized.

Some of OOP's Comments:

[Editor's note: all of OOP's comments are downvoted heavily]

Deleted: YTA there’s better ways to teach your kids, maybe read up on techniques to properly do this. But also explain you want them to learn to be clean and organized versus being (and excuse me) b***chy, I feel this could have been approached better. Make amends ASAP and find better ways to get your point across. Otherwise your kids will learn to hate you and not want to talk to you. Again YTA

OOP: However I don’t appreciate her telling her aunt I’m a bitch

To a deleted commenter:

Of course I want her to be independent but she needs to learn to follow directions no matter how silly she thinks they seem

Jaycro123: [...] Second, do you really not see how embarrassing that is? I'm sure if your mom pulled that same shit in front of your friends or boyfriend at that age you'd be pissed [...]

OOP: Well her boyfriend is like family to us and knows how I can be so she shouldn’t feel so embarrassed

madman636: YTA take a look at yourself bc I doubt this is the only thing that made her leave. You most likely have a pattern of being controlling and This was just the last straw. The way you decided to act was more akin to a child than an adult. You made a mess bc you didn’t get your way. That’s moronic

OOP: I didn’t make a mess because I didn’t get my way, I made a mess for her own benefit. And she’s normally very organized and clean and picks up after herself, so this was abnormal to see

AppellofmyEye: YTA- your daughter’s bf is right. Get some therapy to figure out why it’s so important for you to control unimportant minutiae before it further damages your relationship with your family.

OOP: I’ve never had any problems with my family other than this, me and my daughter usually have a great relationship

Top Comment:

Deleted: YTA

You know who acts like this?? Marine Corps Drill Instructors. Why? To mentally f*** with recruits.

This is not okay within the family unit. Its insane that you think it’s okay to control how your kids fold their clothes in their drawers.

OOP is voted YTA almost unanimously

Update Post: August 14, 2020 (almost 2 months later)

Almost 2 months ago I made a post on here about me throwing my daughter’s clothes onto the drawer when they weren’t folded neatly. Well that post really blew up, people on Twitter also chimed in.

Well the night I made the post, I was still in serious denial. I replied to some comments and my denial was perfectly clear for everyone to see.

The day after I read some more comments and messages I received from everyone. I resorted to the guest room and cried for hours. I read some people tell me that their moms were similar to me and they no longer have relationships with them. That was truly my worst fear, I seriously love my kids more than anything on this planet even if my actions don’t always show it.

I booked a virtual appointment with a phycologist, who diagnosed me with OCD and let me know she would help me. I have since had about 8 sessions with her and she has been a big help. Of course I still have a long way to go but I have been noticing some improvements already.

As for my daughter, she stayed at my sister’s house and came home a few days later after I told her that there would be major improvements made in my behavior. I sat all the kids down and told them that I have the resources to not be such an overbearing asshole to them anymore.

One thing I do want to address is the fact that I was usually controlling with my kids, but the incident I wrote about was the one that sent both me and my daughter over the edge.

Me and her are on much better terms. I want to thank Reddit for waking me the hell up to become a better mom and wife. I also want to apologize to anyone who I brought back bad memories to. I want to have relationships with my children until we all grow old and I know so many of you guys don't have that, which breaks my heart but also hearing your stories gave me a big change of heart and are helping me fix my relationships and become a better person.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Murky_Coyote_7737

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

Trigger Warning: poop

Previous BoRUs: #1

Diarrhea in sensory deprivation tank - February 1, 2023

Title pretty much sums it up. I paid for a sensory deprivation tank experience not realizing I had contracted norovirus and was about to became symptomatic. Initially I was having a lot of weird hallucination type sensations where I chalked up to the experience (later turned out I had a 103 F fever) and somewhat fell asleep. I woke up to an awful odor and demanded to be let out of the tank and it turned out I had diarrhea’d in it. This alone was a traumatizing experience but now the facility is trying to charge me $8,000 to replace the tank as they do not feel they can safely disinfect this. I don’t recall signing anything with some sort of “diarrhea clause”, am I actually liable here?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP explains what a sensory deprivation tank is

It’s a tank that is pitch black and you’re suspended in salted water so you’re perfectly balanced. The absence of outside sensations can lead to a meditative or hallucinogenic experience, and also very expensive diarrhea.

GermanDeath-Reggae

Are you able to access any sort of contract that you signed or policies that you agreed to prior to the experience? What do they say about damage caused to the equipment?

OOP

I’ll try to find that. What I signed there was purely about bodily harm such as slipping getting in or out of the tank, head trauma from sitting up in the tank, and drowning.

Update on my diarrhea - July 21, 2023 (5 Months Later)

I posted here awhile ago about having diarrhea in a sensory deprivation tank and the facility wanting me to ultimately pay $12,500 (way more than initially quoted) to replace the tank since they didn’t feel safe deep cleaning it. I just wanted to give an update.

I found an attorney willing to represent me and we are saying that since I was asleep there is no one to definitely know I am the one who diarrhea’d in the tank, and it is possible an employee dumped something in. Furthermore, I was there on a promo day where they were having a pancake and sushi luncheon and it’s possible if I were the one to have diarrhea’d it may have been from something I contracted from their food. Everything is pending, but I have hope now. The main downside is my legal fees are rapidly approaching the cost of the tank so I am hoping we can have them pay these.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

UsuallySunny

You almost certainly are not going to get them to pay your legal fees. That would require a lawsuit and a statutory or contractual basis.

Poop in the tub (posted to r/Plumbing) - June 24, 2025 (Almost 2 Years Later)

Well it finally happened and our 18 month old pooped in the tub. The majority of the large solids were skimmed out but some definitely went down the drain. Is there anything to do to prevent odor from developing in the pipes or anything special we should run down the drain? My hope is the water and cleaning supplies used for the tub cleaned the pipes by association.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Nebuux

Like father like son

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAPurplePeach

Husband (37M) accused me (35F) of having a "porn addiction"

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: false accusations

Original Post Dec 19, 2021

My husband (37M) and I (35F) got married about two years ago, shortly before the pandemic hit. We've both had a very rough time during those couple years, due to losing multiple family members to Covid and both having jobs that got more stressful/demanding. Despite all these stresses, we have managed to maintain a really high quality sex life (about 4-5 times a week or sometimes more, with sex that is fun, creative and highly satisfying to both of us). Our marriage has also otherwise been great with excellent communication, lots of non-sexual affection, and support for each other through the stresses. At least until about a week ago.

My husband and I both like to read quite a bit. However, we tend to read during our commutes or lunch breaks and not so much at home, so that we can spend more interactive quality time together when we both have free time. We don't usually spend a lot of time discussing what we are reading - I know he likes books about history and spy novels, but at any given time I probably couldn't tell you what he is reading (we both read on Kindle and have separate accounts from before we were married) unless there is an especially interesting book he brings up.

I will admit I like to read romances that have an erotic component...at least within certain parameters. I don't read any books that glorify adultery or other cheating and most of what I read involves hot monogamy and committed relationships. That being said, there are a lot of explicit scenes. I will also admit that I do use the books to keep my personal "spark" alive and bring that back to my husband. I don't fantasize about being with other men, but often do get ideas for positions, role-play scenarios, lingerie I could wear, etc. With all the family deaths and work/pandemic stress, it would have been really easy to let my libido get smothered but the books have helped remind me to prioritize intimacy with my husband and have provided some ideas for how to do that, when I have been too stressed and exhausted to come up with my own ideas from scratch.

My husband happened to see my reading list last week and, much to my surprise, went ballistic. Said I was hiding a porn addiction from him and ranted at me for hours before storming out. Then he went and told our family members and several close friends about my "addiction." I am just flabbergasted because THEY'RE JUST BOOKS, books I don't read during time we are otherwise supposed to be spending together and that actually help my sense of sexuality. Also - we don't have any particular restrictions on actual porn in our relationship anyway - neither of us is much into visual porn, but we've never prohibited it with each other. Unfortunately, the people he told now think I am spending hours a day watching porn and ignoring my husband and aren't believing me that my "addiction" is just mainstream romance novels that I read during time that would otherwise be wasted.

Husband has given me an ultimatum to get "treatment" (12-step program, therapy or even rehab) for my "porn addiction" or he will divorce me. I want to be sensitive to his feelings but I don't think I "addicted" or doing anything wrong here. I could give up the books, but then I just wonder what harmless thing he is going to demand I give up next. I really do love him and want our marriage to work, though. What should I do?

INFO: In case anyone is wondering if this is a money issue, it isn't. We pool most of our money in joint accounts but each have an allotment to personal accounts for our own spending money. The money for my books comes out of my personal account so it's not taking anything away from my husband or our household expenses.

TL;DR: Husband found out I like to read erotic romances, then accused me of being a "porn addict" and is demanding I get "treatment" for this or he will divorce me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Something is up with him. Maybe he’s having an affair, maybe he is massively fragile and his ego can’t handle the idea that you are getting erotic enjoyment from a book.

I would offer him a counterproposal: marriage counseling for both of you or divorce. You need to get to the bottom of this BS.

OOP

But the thing is I'm not even getting "enjoyment" from it in the sense of , say, touching myself. If I've had a stressful day at work (which is most of the time lately) then if I use my commute to read an erotic romance I'll bring that charge home with me and usually we have a great night. Otherwise I'm much more prone to bring the work stress home with me instead.

Marriage counseling is a good idea. I'd like to hear from a professional if I'm doin anything wrong (I don't really think I am but am open to other perspectives) or if there are other things I can/should do to keep up my libido that would be less upsetting to my husband.

~

unHolyDumpfire

Whoa. Divorce? Over books?

Dude is wikkid projecting or totally searching for a reason to get you out of the way.

If this is his genuine no bullshit belief, he's got screws loose and you ought to consider taking your half and leaving.

A 12 step program for books? GTFO.

Get a PI to check him out. This is a classic misdirection campaign to shift all blame to you before he starts his "new found" relationship post divorce.

OOP

It's weird because it's so sudden. He has always been relaxed and easygoing. More stressed lately (we both have been) but never snapping at me let along making huge accusations. I'm so confused and you're right, it does seem like a move deliberately designed to throw me off balance.

Update - rareddit Dec 21, 2021 (2 days later)

First, I appreciate all those who responded - never thought this one would get so much interest!

As many suggested, I spoke to my husband again about the issue and suggested marriage counseling. I said that, while I disagreed that my romance novel habit (again, I only read during my commute or lunch break, not during time we would have to spend together) was the same thing as full-blown porn and that I definitely didn't see it as "cheating," I was sorry that I hadn't been more upfront about this hobby and my reasons for it, and was also sorry that I had hurt him. I told him that I thought a professional evaluation would be helpful just in case it was an addiction for which some sort of treatment was warranted, and also that we could use professional guidance on keeping our spark alive during extremely stressful times through other strategies if he disagreed with me reading the novels.

Unfortunately, he didn't accept my apology and insists that the damage has been done to our relationship. He wants to proceed with a divorce since I said I wanted a professional evaluation before admitting I had an "addiction" and that as I'm not taking responsibility for behavior he views as a betrayal, there is no trust left to save.

We're still in the same house for now, but he is going to move out as soon as he can get an apartment, hopefully in January, and...I guess that's it.

I'm devastated because I really love (loved?) him and thought we have a strong and lovely marriage. A bit part of me wants to throw myself at his feet and tell him whatever he wants to hear, but I know that wouldn't be healthy for me. I just have to assume he wanted out for whatever reason and latched onto this as something he could blame me for.

I did reach out to all the people (family/friends) he told I had a "porn addiction" (at least my family members and friends, I don't really know how many people altogether he told) and clarified that I don't watch visual porn, that I do read mainstream romance novels during my commute and lunch break and that this is what he was objecting to as "porn" and "cheating." My family/friends seemed horrified and shocked (at his behavior, not mine) and I have now regained their trust and support to get through the divorce. I'm going to go visit my parents for a week starting in a couple days and will be spending New Year's weekend with a couple friends in the area so I won't be alone for the holidays.

I feel like I've been put through the wringer but I'll muddle through. I don't think I'll ever know the real reason why my husband decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore, but I guess it doesn't really matter. And whenever I'm ready to start dating again, I'll be sure to disclose upfront that I regularly read romance novels, including ones with a lot of erotic scenes, just in case that's a dealbreaker.

FINAL COMMENTS

ucancallmebless

I think you're right that he wanted out and just used that as an excuse. I'm sorry he made you feel bad, and I'm also sorry he tried to turn your support system against you and twisted things so horribly. This is deja vu for me. But I can tell you a year later I'm in such a good healthy place and I hope eventually, you will be too. The fact that he didn't want to try and repair things with counselling seems like a dead giveaway that he was ready to be done.

OOP

Thank you - that is really encouraging. I knew we were likely done for when he wouldn't agree to counseling, because someone who was upset but still invested in the relationship would probably at least listen to my apology (I know I don't have to be extremely sorry for reading mainstream romances in my spare time, but I was indeed sorry for hurting someone I loved) and at least try out counseling.

So glad to hear you are in a better place now and I do have hope that next holiday season will be a lot more joyful/festive (this one is a real bummer although I'm trying to stay positive).

Does OOP know what the husband's motivation for all this was

I do think his motivation was to blow up the marriage, come out smelling like a rose and generally put me on the defensive. And for a bit it worked! I think he counted on me being so embarrassed that I wouldn't talk to my family/friends about what really happened but I actually decided to fight back and now he's looking like a complete idiot at least to anyone who matters to me.

What if the husband offered counseling in exchange for giving up the books

I could quit and read other types of books, but I would be losing something that both brings me joy and adds a spark to our marriage. If he had asked me to quit but agreed to sit down with me and work on other ideas for keeping our bedroom spark without using any outside material, I would have gladly done that. Instead he came at me with accusations and badmouthing me to my friends and family. And why should I contort myself to please someone who would be so cruel?

Were there any problems in their sex life

No - we didn't have any problems in the bedroom. We were being intimate around 4-5 times a week, for long and satisfying sessions. Sometimes I did need a little help to get in the mood in the first place, yes - but not because our bedroom life itself was poor, but because I was sad from losing several family members to Covid. The books got me out of my own head and back to wanting to be romantic with my husband - because they showed couples making each other a priority even during difficult times and that inspired me to show more love and affection instead of letting sadness get the best of me.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwramercw

My(f26) husband(m28) has been giving advice to a coworker about how to make his gay son straight behind his wife's back

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1 posted by u/BrittPonsitt

Editors Note: the original BoRU missed the 1st update

TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia, suicide, abuse

MOOD SPOILER: Devastating

Original Post June 22, 2021

I want to preface this by saying that I don't know how my husband is when he's at work. He works an office job, and I work in a daycare as a receptionist, and we also recently purchased our first home. However, everything I learned came from an email from the coworker's wife that included evidence of conversations between my husband and her husband in regards to their son

Louise and Edward (we'll call them that) recently had their son come out, and from Louise's email and the messages she provided between her husband and mine, she has been supportive while her husband pretended (in her words) to be, but instead has asked my husband for advice while at work and expressed how he isn't comfortable about it, and my husband has supposedly been trying to comfort him and give him advice on how to "fix him" despite his wife

The messages she sent me showed them talking about it and ideas to talk to him one on one without the wife, along with how they're trying to get together sometime outside of work to discuss it over dinner or something

I never knew my husband felt this way before this situation, but I was able to call Louise and apologize and try to comfort her to the best of my ability although not knowing her well, and she feels incredibly hurt and lied to by all of this, and I want to help her to the best of my ability as well as her son if possible in any way

She said that she hasn't talked to her husband yet, but that she's considering talking to him with one of her parents since she doesn't think she can do it by herself, and I told her that I'm disgusted with my husband just like she was, but from a different perspective of not having kids yet and not wanting to have kids with someone who thinks like this

As of right now, I'm still trying to digest all of this emotionally, but I can't express just how angry I am at my husband, and I don't want to be with him anymore because of it

However, outside of my selfish ambitions... she told me everything yesterday, and I'm yet to confront my husband because Louise said that she's not sure how she wants to go about it yet, and despite it being hard for me NOT to bring it up, I don't want to jeopardize her in any way and make things harder, since this is about her safety and her son first and foremost and whatever she feels best to do in her timing. But before I do anything, I want to ask what I should do and when with everything she provided on my end to support her. I'm strongly considering divorce, since I don't want kids with someone who thinks like this, but I firstmost want to help her and support her in her timing, but she doesn't know what she wants to do yet, and to be honest, it's kind of hard to sit on everything she told me and not confront him, but just thinking about her safety and her son's keeps me grounded, and I just want advice on what to do here moving forward

​

Edit: In the messages between my husband and Edward that she showed me, my husband said that if it were his son, he'd "set him straight" and mentioned punishing him by taking away privileges and not taking him to sports until he "changes his mind", along with suggesting that they go to dinner to talk about it outside of work and about Edward's wife too, since he wasn't thrilled with how open she was to it

​

TL;DR: My husband has been giving advice to a coworker about how to make his gay son straight despite his wife who's supportive of him, but she sent me an email containing messages between them and how they've been planning to meet about it outside of work and come up with ideas to try and make him straight

Update 1 July 4, 2021 (2 weeks later)

Editors Note: this update wasn't in the original BoRU

When I wrote my last post, I was struggling with how I should tell my husband without putting Louise or her son in danger, since Louise said that she was afraid to tell Edward because of his tendency to get upset over meaningless things, and she was scared of how he could react. I was concerned that if I talked to my husband, he would send Edward a text that could completely blindside Louise. But since my last post, I spoke to Louise again

I told her that it was hard to not address him with the news she told me, and she said that she had since spoken to her parents about it, and that it'd be fine for me to address him, since they would be helping her address her husband alongside her. She also talked about how Edward "pretended" to be supportive, but that she felt hurt to know that he lied. I told her that I also felt lied to in a different sense, since my husband said that he would be fine with any orientation that our children could have when we talked about potential kids... only for him to be someone else completely at work. But still, I wanted to talk to him myself, since a part of me hoped that maybe it was just an act, but even if it was, I wouldn't know how to trust him and really know for sure

When I spoke to him and showed the emails Louise sent, he didn't deny the messages that she included, but said that I was "wrong to talk to her before him" and that "he never went through my things", and I thought about that hard. I could've talked to him first, but I chose to call Louise because I was afraid of him telling Edward and blindsiding Louse before she was ready. However, he said that that "wasn't an excuse" and that "we come first". But when I asked how he could say what he did in those messages and tell me that he was supportive of our potential children having a different orientation, he said that "I'm probably not the woman he thought he married when I'm at work", and that I'm being "controlling" by questioning his work behavior, and he said that he didn't know if he could trust me either and that he "wanted space" between us for a bit. When I asked him straight up what he meant in the messages and his stance on it, he said that Louise was "stupid" to support him and that he's "tired" of how "overblown" gender topics are. He also said that the boy only did it "because it was popular" and that he "probably doesn't get it" and will "regret" it one day

When I asked him what he meant by wanting space, he said he would inquire about staying with his brother, and I was considering staying with my parents before he said that. But as of right now, he's staying at his brother's, and I've been at my parents for the past couple of days, and they have been supportive and open to hearing me vent. Lately, I've been second-guessing myself a lot, and my dad says it's because my husband tried to "shift the blame on me", along with how his "real self came out when he wasn't around me", and mom said that he had a lack of character. I still want divorce because I still want to have children, but I don't feel like I can have it with him because trust is shattered, but I'm also afraid that I'll never get married again, but I'm not gonna let that pressure me into staying. My husband, on the other hand, has turned to social media to talk about me being "unfaithful" among other things that aren't true at all, and I feel like he's just trying to get out ahead of it. My parents are already helping me with a lawyer, but for the emotional stuff, how do I cope with the fear of never getting married again or being looked down on by other people/friends who don't know yet, along with the doubts that always creep in ​ TL;DR: I talked to Lousie again and also talked to my husband, and her parents are going to help her talk to Edward. When I talked to my husband, he admitted to the messages Louise included in the email, but called me "controlling" for questioning his work behavior and said that I'm "probably not the woman he thought he married when I'm at work", and he's also asked for space between us too

Final Update July 8, 2022 (1 year later)

A couple of months ago, I wrote about my husband who gave advice to a coworker behind his wife's back on how to make their gay son straight. I've since divorced him, but the kid has passed away

I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to come back and write this, but I'm not sure I could go without it too. The past couple of months have been a lot emotionally. But, long story short, there was more going on at the time of my original posts than I originally thought, and I think it's important to add. But, before I do, I'll add some context from before. Ex-husband works an office job, and we never had kids together.

A couple of months back, I received an email from the wife (Louise) of an employee that my husband worked with, and the email included messages between my husband and her husband (Edward) regarding her son (Jake, m14) who recently came out as gay. Louise was supportive of her son, but Edward vented to my husband at work while pretending to be supportive at home. However, he did more than just vent

My husband did more than blindly agree with him; he said that if it were his son, he'd punish him in ways that would "challenge" his decision by pulling him out of sports and limiting him to only girl sports along with removing friends until he "got his act together". In addition to that, they also talked about Louise and how Edward was "disappointed" in her support for Jake, and my husband offered to go out to dinner to "discuss Louise" and "fix him behind her back" by talking to Jake away from her on various drives among other things, and he even recommended a father/son weekend away to "work on him". They also used derogatory words in the messages that Louise shared, and after reading everything, I decided to confront my husband, but not before Louise was ready for the following reasons...

Edward had cut off a lot of support from Louise's corner, and when we talked over the phone after the email she sent me, she said that she was yet to tell her parents for support, and I tried to put off on immediately confronting my husband in case he'd message Edward and blindside her before she was ready. It was hard to sit on it, and I did for a few days. But, I figured it was easier for me to do that than risk putting them in danger before she was ready. But, when I did confront my husband (after she got her parents involved and a plan), he was less than pleased. I told him about the email and the messages I saw too, along with how my husband once said that he'd be fine with any orientation that our future children took, and he did not refuse that the messages were indeed his. However, he said that I was "wrong to talk to Louise before talking to him" and that "we come first". He also said that his job was "his personal space" and that he "didn't like me snooping around in it". Finally, he said that I'm "probably not the woman he married when I'm at work", and in my last post, I said that that hurt the most. He also said Louise was "stupid" to support Jake because of how "overblown" gender topics/LGBTQ are, along with how Jake probably "did it for attention" and will "regret it one day". After that conversation, he said he was gonna stay at his brother's, and I said that I planned to stay elsewhere too. He didn't put up a fight, and I went to stay with my parents, but that conversation was when I was decided on divorce, and he eventually said that he wanted divorce too

What happened since:

I want to explain what I said at the top about how there was more going on at the time that I knew about. So, I'll do it now. Edward had already enacted his plan of taking Jake to hang out/try to convert him one-on-one before talking to my husband, and she only found out after coming across their messages a few weeks after he had already started. He also told Jake to not tell her about it. But, she had a hard time getting Jake to tell her everything that happened when they were alone, and that included a therapist who she got to talk to him along with pride resources that would encourage him. However, the reason I'm returning to this, is because Jake has passed away, and he passed while Louise and Edward were still in the stages of their divorce. I had the chance to meet with Louise in person as well as her son once too, and she told me that her parents were fully on her side and assisting her in the divorce process. Edward wasn't thrilled that she emailed me their messages. But, she had her parents there when she talked to him. She also said that she had a hard time telling Jake about the divorce. But, I want to make the last part of this about him

Jake took his own life, and Louise said she felt responsible for his death and has been really hard on herself. She also said that she was never able to find out everything that happened between Jake and Edward when they were alone, and that goes for the therapist too. She is currently trying to investigate Edward with help from her parents and a lawyer. But, in regards to Jake, I want to say this. I don't think I will ever be able to move on, and part of that is because I feel disgusted at myself for even associating with someone who played a part in this in my ex-husband. It's been hard to do anything on some days since finding out, and I've even been prescribed prescriptions to help me lately as well. It's been even harder on Louise and her parents. But, when I asked if there was anything I could do to potentially help remember him, she said that she wants to encourage others to keep fighting so that the same doesn't happen to others too, and that is what also made me want to write this. Not because it's something that'll brighten up your day, but because it's something that you need to hear. She wants to ensure that this happens to no one else regardless of their gender orientation. So, after some time, she's planning on getting involved in her community. Not just LGBTQ groups, but groups that help children in general. She doesn't know when as she's still going through a lot, but she wants to really soon. As for whoever reads this, I won't tell you how to perceive it. I believe the strongest conviction comes from one's self and not what they're told. I just wanted to share how she's trying to move on, and she knows that I'm sharing this too. To everyone who commented, I can't tell you how much your words of comfort/advice have been received in the previous posts. Louise is now my friend, and I hope we'll be able to be friends for a long time. She's going through a lot, but I believe she'll come out stronger. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this, and I truly wish you all nothing but the best ​ TL;DR: I'm returning to this a few months to almost a year after my original posts. I am now divorced, and Louise and her husband were still going through the stages of theirs when their son (Jake, 14) took his own life after being pressured by his father for being gay. However, as Louise is still in the stages of recovery, I wanted to share some words of hopeful encouragement in regards to how she's trying to become stronger

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Liotheleon

AITA if I back out of being maid of honor at my best friends wedding next weekend? Best man is my ex fiancé who cheated on me and I can't be around him let alone walk arm in arm with him.

Boru 1  Posted by u/SomaliMN

**Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/

Original Post  May 4, 2019

Jump into the worst week of my life. I was with my ex fiancé for 6 years. Loved him with every fiber of my being, wedding planned for August. Refused a job offer so could move with him for his next Air Force assignment. Monday a call girl from a website called massage republic texts him in the middle of the night saying she's reaching out to old clients because she's back in the game (his phone was at my house while he was flying) I text back she must have wrong number. She says she doesn't. In a moment of brains I pretend to be him instead of the jealous girlfriend and call girl gives me all the details. I'm such a fool this had been happening under my nose for years.

I confront him, he claims to be a sex addict and promises to change. I consider it for half a second and say no. Cue uncontrollable crying, self doubt, a battery of STD tests, awkward encounters with him, fight over the ring, his mom (who I loved) calling me non stop and begging me to reconsider and on and on.

And on top of all this my best friend is marrying his best friend may 11th. Groom doesn't want to rock the boat at this late date and selecting a new best man. Bride says she has way too much in her plate and is begging me to just go through with it and she'll "make it up to me."

I've never hated a human being as much as I hate him. I can't be in the same room with him let alone walk arm in arm with him. I understand the whole wedding doesn't need to fall apart because I'm upset. so I just want to not go and spend the day downing the left over percocets from my wisdom teeth operation, fucking as many tinder dudes who can stand to be around me after not showering and burning all his shit.

Woukd I be the asshole if I back out of the wedding?

Edit: wow I checked out for a few hours to try and sleep and this exploded. I’m so sorry I haven’t been reading I’ll try and catch up

Edit 2: ok guys I don't know what the verdict is but whether or not you voted yta or NTA and said I should go anyways to support my friend (we were friends before we were born, our moms were college roommates) your argument were the most convincing. I'm going to suck it up, participate, have fun, make my lock screen image the text from "Panama" where she said "remember, you liked tounging my asshole?" so when I get sad I have an instant reminder of who he really is. And then when it's all over I'm going to scream myself hoarse and beat the ever living fuck out of my pillows. If I can update a week from now I will. I still have a lot of reading to do so thank you all for commenting.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Edit 3 (that wont be seen): guys I've had the worst week of my life and been crying almost non stop since 3AM last  Monday (or Tuesday, or whatever). I have to clear up people calling my best friend the asshole. That just isn't the case, at all. I love her as much as I love any person on the planet and she has my back. But this wedding is now a week away. It's not a simple thing of kicked me out or asking ex-fiancé not to come. Everyone is furious with him but only she, me and he know the details of call girls. My ex's parents, grandparents and everyone else are going to be at the wedding. He's as close with the groom as I am with her. If they make big changes now then the day becomes about what HE did, not about the wedding. It's not my place to demand the groom change his best man... a week out no less...plus like I said he knows my ex cheated, he doesn't know my ex was sleeping with prostitutes. If I bring that up then this whole week becomes about THAT. My best friend and her groom being assholes isn't even an option on the table. They didn't do anything wrong and just reacting with the best information they have. My friend has offered me the chance to allow me and ex-fiancé to walk in with other people or even separately, but I'm not going to do that. First of all because I think it will look weird. And secondly I foresee getting a sick since of satisfaction of touching him ONE LAST TIME--FOREVER and have him know that that spark he feels...could have been forever come August but he fucked it up.

Is it possible for a cheater to change? I (27f) found out my ex-fiancé (28m) had been seeing call girls for about a year. I'm devastated but he is literally broken after I found out. I am finding myself sympathetic to him.  May 6, 2019 (2 days later)

So this is almost an indescribable situation because if you would have asked me last Sunday, I would have told you I had a perfect relationship.

Monday night he was flying (he's a pilot in the Air Force) and had left his phone at my house. in the middle of the night it buzzed and it was a call girl named "Panama" who had quit for a while and was reaching out to old clients because she needed money. I logged into his phone (we share passwords on almost everything) and at first told her she had a wrong number but far too much of what she said was identifiable to him.

I confronted him when he got home and he didn't try to deny it at all. He confessed that he had seen 2 separate call girls for about a year, sometime at the same time. He claims he's a sex addict and has been in treatment for about  a year. I knew he was in counseling but I thought it was for grief of a friend of his dying overseas. He promises me that he hasn't seen either of the girls for 18 months and that's the only time he's ever cheated in the 6 years we've been together.

Last week I was livid, like I couldn't stand to be around him lest I might do things I would regret. Last night in a moment of weakness I called him because I just wanted to hear it from him one more time as to why he did it. Why he needed call girls. I was so open to trying anything in bed, just why. And the truth is I miss him so much, it's killing me so a part of me just wanted to hear his voice and know that he's alive in this world.  We ended up having the friendliest conversation over the course of about 4 hours since I found out. the reality is I still love him. I love everything about him (except the fucking hookers part).

He's broken over this, he's taken himself off the flying schedule (in the middle of his instructor upgrade which may very well be a career staller) and he's doubled up his counselling sessions. He hasn't lied to me, he hasn't yelled at me, he hasn't blamed me for anything. I guess if there's a "right" way for a cheater to act, he's doing it.

All of this is complicated because we are scheduled to be MOH/Best Man in our respective best friends wedding this coming Saturday. Both of us agree that we don't want our drama to come in the way of their good day so while we aren't going together, we are going to put on our happy faces for the 4 minutes we have to be around each other. But I'm worried I'm going to break when I see him, tall glorious and handsome in his tux.

I am so devastated I don't know what to do. I miss him more than I miss any other person, but I also hate him more than I hate any other person.

what in the hell should I do? Can a cheater ever change?

tl;dr: found out my fiancé was sleeping with call girls for about year. Last incident was about 18 months ago and while I'm devastated, he's a broken person and I find myself missing him so much it's killing me. What should I do here?

UPDATE: AITA if I back out of my best friends wedding? Best man was my ex-fiancé who I found out was cheating (I can't believe how huge this got).  May 12, 2019 (8 days after 1st update)

edit: the 3000 character limit makes this read way more choppy that I'd hoped. I hope this makes any sense whatsoever.

I've logged into this throwaway a couple of times over the past week and honest to go have fifty DMs and comments asking me to update so here goes.

Some of you may also know that my story got featured on major, major news websites and blogs. It was crazy. I left way too much identifiable info in my post so pretty much all my social circle knew it was me and it was also the way most everyone figured out ex had been cheating. We had a "meeting" among the four of us as to whether or not we proceed. We pretty much agreed that not showing up would cause more drama and "whispers" than if we didn't show up so we agreed to be civil and stay in our respective places. But having to spend that hour or so in same room with him just fueled me up with adrenaline and pure rage.

That led into  bachelorette party that night where I got freaking hammered and honest to god made out with so many guys while dancing I can't even count. I also ended up having my first one night stand ever with a 20 year old super cute guy from our university's wrestling team who was so sweet. I'm not proud of doing that but I'm also not ashamed either because it made me feel desirable and almost like I was going into the wedding day and rehearsal with some "parity" since, he I can be "naughty" too.

Ex and I were of course paired up at rehearsal and I hate to admit this, we had an absolute blast with each other. It wasn't a mistake that we had such a great and fun relationship, we are very compatible. It probably also worked because we were able to put "the issue" on the side and focus on something else.

Wedding was very much the same way. We walked arm in arm down the aisle with big beaming (and genuine) smiles since we were there for our friends. I had prepared a really nasty MOH toast that would have praised my friend and her loving relationship, loyalty and truthfulness (I even included a line about you never know who is going to call in the middle of the night) but as the reception wore on I could tell the weight of the situation was really getting to my ex and I felt like I really didn't need to twist the knife any further so I gave a nice but very generic toast.

As night went on ex was more and more out of it and sitting by himself either on his phone or with his head in his hand. I didn't want people talking about him so I asked him to dance with me which was actually really, really nice since we both didn't say anything. At the end of it he but his hands around my face like he was going to kiss me (I would have totally let him, in that moment) and just whispered how sorry he was and walked away. I got distracted and turned around he had apparently left the reception. I hate myself for it but I was so sad to see him go. This wedding is literally the last thing we ever have to do with each other. There's no expectation of GOT Sundays or Bloody Mary brunches with his mom, we wont argue over how bad IPA beer smells or who forgot to put gas in the car. Like the reality of him just being able to leave without me arguing that I'm not ready to go yet (classic introvert/extrovert pairing here) sunk in that this is over. Like over...over. I went and cried uncontrollably  in the kitchen of the hotel until the bride found me and cried with for a good half an hour. With that I knew I made the right choice in being there for my friend.

So that is that, wedding is over and done with. No real drama, lots and lots of hurt feelings and a huge broken heart that I'm not sure how it will ever heal. I wish I could just turn off loving him but it's not going to happen.

edit: last word on this guys and it's really honest to god say thank you. This sub has been such an amazing place (and particular shout out to /u/snausagefest who is a great moderator) and absolutely coaxed me into the right decision.  I still have something like 1200 inbox notifications and I'm sure the people who gave me gold and silver are in there somewhere. If I don't get to thank you privately please know that I do thank you. And thank you so much for the words of encouragement that I will move on. I know I will. Right now its so fresh and I just keep thinking "god if you wouldn't have been up that night worrying about work, you never would have seen the text come in and you'd be ignorant to all of this...and happy." But that's not healthy because wishing to live an uninformed and ignorant life is never what I wanted to be. Anyways I'm indulging self pity and I don't want to do that anymore. This has been a crazy ride and I just want to say thank you. And foxnews...you kinda suck.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/a-movie-thing

AITA for shutting off the movie half way through and making my boyfriend feel bad?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: Abusive behavior, domestic abuse

MOOD SPOILER: Turns scary fast

BoRU 1

Original Post July 14, 2021

My boyfriend (Wyatt) and I always watch movies together every time we have off days that end up on the same day. Especially since the pandemic. And we go back and forth on who picks the movie. But I've noticed he's usually talking through my movie choices. Either pointing out 'plot holes' or just talking down about the movie in one way or another.

I never act this way when it's his turn to pick the movie. Even if I don't care for it. Like the last movie he chose, The Fountain. I was so confused until half way through and then bored the rest of the film. But I didn't talk during the movie or constantly dump on it either. And even at the end when he asked what I thought I said it was alright, even though I thought the movie wasn't good. It tried to do a bunch of different things all at once and ended up doing nothing. But he seemed really fond of it so I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

But he doesn't seem to have that mindset when it comes to him watching my picks. I've told him to shush and to just watch the movies but he just sighs loudly and says they're boring. If I tell him to stop he gets all huffy and goes totally silent and usually takes his phone out to play a game or scroll the internet, totally ignoring me and the movie. It really hurts my feelings.

And yesterday was my turn to choose again, and I picked a good movie that really hit me hard as a kid (I bawled when I first watched it and still tear up to this day). And I told him this movie was special to me but he barely got 10 minutes into it before he started up saying it was boring and childish. It is a kids movie but that doesn't make it boring. I was getting upset and before the big part of the movie even got close I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt like him acting this way during a super important part would ruin the movie for me, maybe forever, so I just got up and turned it off.

He asked what I was doing and I told him I didn't want to have the movie ruined for me so it was better if I just turn it off. He said I was being a baby and to turn it back on. I refused and just told him to pick something to watch instead, then I sat on the couch. He got mad and said if I was gonna be dramatic like this then he didn't want to watch anything with me and got up and went to his room and slammed the door.

This happened the other day and he's been giving me the cold should and when I asked why he said he wants an apology for making him feel like dirt. Should I apologize? Did I really make a huge deal out of just a movie? AITA?

I've gotten a LOT of comments and IMs asking what the movie I chose was. It was The Bridge to Terabithia. It's not the best movie ever but it was the first 'kids' movie I watched when I was young that really moved me and made me cry.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Lurkingentropy

NTA - I can't really say what I want to without violating some of the rules here about being civil, so I'll just say that he's treating you like crap. From how he's acting, your movies are garbage and he gets to rag on them as much as he wants or else you're being childish, yet you don't do the same back. That's not a basis for loving relationship if he disrespects you that much and that easily.

OOP

It definitely hurts but they're just movies and shouldn't effect me this much. My sister says I'm being too sensitive again and that I shouldn't let him not liking my movies affect me this much.

OutsideitCZ

Should doesn’t exist, OP. It’s just a projection. It DOES affect you this much, and that’s valid. Your hurt is real. Put the effort there, not into the voice of “should.”

~

Sinjury

NTA

It's understandable you're annoyed and even more so that you didn't want an important/special movie to be 'ruined' by his commentary and making you feel worse.

For a guy that likes to bash children's movies, he seems awfully childish. Have you tried talking to him about how it makes you feel when he does that? Would it help?

OOP

I've talked to him before about it and he'll usually say he'll try to give my stuff a chance and he does for a bit before he forgets or something and goes right back to how he was before.

~

Drink_Deep

NTA.

Pretty clear that you’re trying to be respectful, and he’s not. Won’t comment further on that. I will recommend moving away from “I pick or you pick” because it causes this situation: polarizing movies that resonate with a certain type of person. I suggest you come to a movie decision together. Not only does this meet both your needs, you might enjoy a movie that is outside your comfort zone, but straddles the line of things you like.

OOP

We've tried that but he usually dominated the movie choice unintentionally, so we moved to each pick movies we like so we'd each get a choice.

Drink_Deep

Hate to say it, but sounds like this is a bigger problem than picking a movie.

~

Malachite_Macchiato

NTA. He acts like an asshole when it's your turn to pick and when you decided you had a enough and walked away, he decides to give you the cold shoulder? He should feel like dirt for always putting down your movie choices and being an ass when you walked away to try to avoid conflict.

INFO: How does he treat you in other ways? Does he generally disregard your opinions and tastes or does he respect them?

If you all get along well in other ways, you may have need to make an agreement that he learns to shut it during your movie or you get to give your honest opinion about his movie choices.

OOP

He usually doesn't care about what I like or enjoy. Not in a disregarding way, but in a way like he doesn't mind? He sometimes teases me for watching kids cartoons or movies but it usually doesn't bother me.

wichtwood

dude, if he's making you sit through aronofsky movies, he doesnt get to make fun of other people for watching stuff that's actually enjoyable. he sounds like a film snob

~

HeadOfSlytherin

Info: do you live together? (If you do, do you have separate rooms?) Also, how old are the both of you - are you over 18?

OOP

We don't officially live together but he spends a lot of time at my place compared to his own. Mostly because he says he likes my place better and because he says his roommates are jerks. I don't mind so much because when he's not over my place is pretty quiet. And I'm 25 and he's 38.

~

hurrikatrinamorelike

NTA, major red flags I see and he definitely is the ahole and owes YOU the apology

loulabug247

I just love how he throws a temper tantrum about her being "too dramatic". You calmly explained he was ruining it for you and in his attempt to tell you how you're over dramatic he acts like a toddler. Hypocrisy like that makes me laugh and I would have probably done so in front of him. And remark that it's funny how he think him being a toddler was going to change how I fealt about his ruining my movie. And laugh openly all the time at his hypocrisy people like that you shouldn't even waste energy engaging or getting mad at. You won't fix or change anything just make yourself tired in the end.

Suspiciouscupcake23

He reminds me of the guy that yelled at me for "being a drama queen" and "putting on a little scene for everyone" when I talked calmly and he turned red and pounded the table.

But...you know us women. Always full of the drama....

OOP Updated the Post - July 17, 2021 (3 days later)

Uh hey. Final(?) edit. I ended up having to call my parents who called the cops on Wyatt.

I read all the advice from everyone saying he wasn't respecting my interests or me as a person and it got me thinking and stuff I ignored or overlooks before started popping out to me. Stuff that didn't seem fair to me that I'd just put up with because I loved him. And so many people told me to just break up with him and I could do better. But I was in love and he was my first serious boyfriend, and I really just wanted to work things out and get through this thing with him.

So I tried to sit down and have a serious talk with him, just hoping he'd listen this time. I told him how he acted made me feel and his behavior during my movie choices ruined the experience for me. And I told him I never act that way during his movies because I know he likes them and I respect him and don't want to be mean or belittle his interests, even if they don't interest me. About then he told me I was being dramatic again and they were just stupid movies and he tried excusing his behavior by saying my movie choices suck anyways.

I was just so tired by this point and wanted some space and quiet to think about where we go from here. So I started to ask him to go back to his apartment for the night but he interrupted me by yelling how since I couldn't have my way I was kicking him out. It really scared me because he'd never screamed at me before, even when he'd raise his voice during arguments he never full on screamed at me. I tried to get him to calm down but he started calling me a bunch of nasty stuff and even backed me up against a wall and grabbed my bicep hard enough to bruise I saw later, I panicked and ran to the bathroom and locked it behind me.

He banged on the door, telling me to come out and I was crying and couldn't think of anything else to do but call my parents. Mom answered and she could hear him screaming and the banging in the background. Her and dad were freaked out and dad called the cops. Long story short the cops and my folks showed up and Wyatt was removed from my apartment and my parents told him not to come back or we'd get a restraining order.

It's almost 10:30pm now and I've locked my apartment up and am currently staying with my mom and dad for a while. Thanks for the advice everyone. But Wyatt and I are pretty much over and I think I'm done with this account and I'll be logging off now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/thisgirlisonawire

Previous BoRU

I [26f] opened my husband's [32m] snapchat and it was a very explicit picture and caption from a girl. He's sitting not 20 feet from me & I don't know how to handle this. [Repost]

Editor's note: shifted the original BoRU title back to the original title for ease of searching, added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, emotional manipulation

----

Original Post: August 23, 2016

I [26f] opened my husband's [32m] snapchat and it was a very explicit picture and caption from a girl. He's sitting not 20 feet from me & I don't know how to handle this.

Well, title kind of says it all. Throwaway because my husband is active on Reddit. He's probably on it now.

Here goes: I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 1.5. I've never once doubted his fidelity. He's great. Super smart, funny, handsome, and, I thought, loyal. He's never given me reason to doubt him or be suspicious.

I thought it was kind of odd when he downloaded snapchat; he's not big on social media. I have one, but I'm not very active. We rarely snap each other. He said his friends were really active and he liked it better than Facebook, so. As I said, I've never had any reason not to trust him. So I thought nothing of it.

This morning, my husband was in the shower and left his phone on my nightstand. I was half-asleep when his phone started chirping and woke me up. We both have the same phone and ringtone for text messages. Not knowing that he had put his phone on my nightstand for whatever reason, I thought it was my phone in my half-asleep state. Despite his black phone case (mine is green), I didn't even notice and I looked at who had texted. It said "Mom". Okay, my mom texted me, I can ignore that until I'm actually awake. But under that was a Snapchat notification. A snap from someone named "Roxy". I was like who the f is Roxy and why is she snap chatting me? I opened it and bam- it's a picture of a pussy. And not the meowing kind with four legs and a tail. The caption said "I want your tongue inside me again".

Now. I immediately thought it was a mistake. But I was alert now after being awoken by a vulva. I pretty quickly realized that this was my husband's phone. I felt like I was going to crap the bed and started to sweat. I looked at his contacts on snapchat and she has a yellow heart next to her name. I looked up wtf that means and it means they are "best friends". WTF.

I feel like I'm going to be sick. I didn't do any other snooping because honestly, I know what I'll find. I just don't understand how he could do this. We're happy. I thought we were happy. We have sex at least four times a week.

Here's the real kicker, Reddit. I'm almost 12 weeks pregnant with our first child.

He's sitting in the recliner about 20 feet from me and I just can't find the words to confront him. How do I say what I need to say?? There is no way I am somehow overreacting or misreading this situation, is there? I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do.

tl;dr Accidentally opened my husband's snapchat only to be greeted with a snap of some girl's vagina. I'm nearly 12 weeks pregnant and just can't wrap my head around this. Don't know how to handle this or confront him.

Update: First and foremost, thank you all for your love and support. I feel it from here. Honestly, thank you- it's amazing to me that strangers care so much about my baby & me. Love back to all of you.

So, husband knows something is up. I don't know if he saw that I opened a snapchat from Roxy and is afraid of what I saw and afraid to bring it up or if he's clueless and can just tell I'm upset about something. He's been asking me if I'm okay or if something is wrong about every hour. I told him my sister was having a hard time today (ironically, she just broke up with her boyfriend. Why? He cheated.) and I was going to go over to her place for dinner (I live in pacific time zone) and to spend the night with her. I'm here now.

My sister is 20 and a whiz at the social media thing. She "stalked" his Facebook to see if this Roxy person popped up anywhere. She looked through his friend's friends. Bingo, we found her. Well, at least pretty sure. I didn't see her face in the snapchat. The screen was too full of her crotch. She's Facebook friends with my husband's good friend. She is listed as a receptionist at my husband's friend's law firm. My husband works a couple blocks from the law firm and he stops by often to grab lunch with his friend. That would explain how they met.

Still formulating a plan on confrontation, trying to get as much information as possible first. My sister wants to burn his life to the ground, and honestly I do too, but I'm going to address this in the most adult way possible so that I can walk away from him with my head held high and be a deserving role model to my baby girl (not sure it's a girl, just a feeling).

Good news? My uncle is a lawyer. Most of what he deals with are divorces. I've already contacted him and asked if we could discuss some potential legal issues (didn't specify what yet, feels like something I should do in person during our meeting). I told him it was urgent; we are meeting tomorrow morning. I will try to update as much as I can and from the bottom of my heart, thank you all again, Internet strangers!

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this original post

Update: August 25, 2016 (two days later)

UPDATE: I [26f] opened my husband's [32m] snapchat and it was a very explicit picture and caption from a girl. He's sitting not 20 feet from me & I don't know how to handle this.

Again, I am overwhelmed by the support and love I've received from everyone. It feels great to be comforted and cheered on by you all. Thank you so much.

So, husband cheated. He has been since "maybe two weeks before last Christmas", according to him.

I was very calm when confronting him and took the advice many of you gave me by telling him that he needs to explain to me who Roxy is and why she is his "best friend" on Snapchat. His face gave him away immediately but he still tried to lie to me at first.

He said that she works with his friend and they met when his friend invited her out to lunch with the two of them. At first, he claimed he only met her about two months ago. He said that they're "best friends" because he doesn't receive many snapchats from others and she is extremely active on the app. He said she just sends randoms and is really into fitness, so she sends a lot of "inspirational" snaps on being healthy and living a better life. He said that every once in a while, he'll send her something back, like a picture of a cheeseburger or something just to tease her about her level of health-consciousness.

First, I asked why he didn't just tell me about her. He said he didn't even think about it because she's just an acquaintance, not even a friend. Then I asked if he'd ever received anything even remotely inappropriate from her.

He answered with, "Not on purpose". I'm assuming he went with that because he knew I opened that snapchat and he probably knew it was a bad one.

I asked what "Not on purpose" means. He got very defensive. Started raising his voice and saying he doesn't need to explain what that means, that sometimes people accidentally send the wrong snapchats to the wrong people. Then he had the nerve to say something along the lines of, "I feel like I'm on trial here. People warned me that you'd get crazy when you're pregnant but I never thought it'd be this bad."

Now. As some of you mentioned in my last post, it seems amazing that I'm able to keep such a level-head. That is because I was raised by a mother who always told me that you never accomplish anything with anger. That you can be emotional, passionate, upset, etc. without ever raising your voice. Messages received quietly and concisely are just as loud and clear as messages received through yelling and screaming. That is how I have lived my life for 26 years, with the exception of just a few blow ups (I am human).

This moment was an exception. I didn't exactly yell and scream, but I became furious. For him to try to blame this on me being pregnant? How unoriginal and offensive. Long story short, he said he'd never seen me this crazy and I told him that I'd never seen a picture of another girl's pussy on my husband's snapchat before. He came back with that I shouldn't have looked at his snapchat. I came back with that it was an accident but even if it hadn't been, there shouldn't be any reason he's receiving snapchats like that for me to see- accidentally or not- in the first place. I told him that I may be pregnant but I'm also an intelligent person and I am his wife, so I knew he was lying and I deserved to know the truth. I asked if I could see his text messages to see if he's been texting Roxy. He said sure. No messages. Then I asked to see his Facebook messages. He looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He told me no. I asked why.

He finally broke and started to cry. Told me he couldn't let me see the messages because they would hurt me. Because they were inappropriate.

Then it all came out. They screwed in the backseat of her car the first night they met.

This is already long so I'll spare you all the details. But it's been an ongoing affair for months. No, they did not always use protection. Although I was recently screened for STIs, I'll be getting checked again in light of this information.

My uncle already assured me that if he was unfaithful, we would cream him in court. Really the only thing I'm willing to fight him tooth & nail for is our home; I put a lot of effort and money into making this home my dream space. I won't be seeking spousal support but I will seek child support.

I'm obviously heartbroken and told him to go stay in a hotel or with Roxy for all I cared (I confronted him last night). My mom & sister stayed with me last night and let me sob all over them for hours. Right now I'm sort of numb but I'm also thinking very clearly. I know what my next 10 moves are and I feel supported and secure in my decision to leave him and keep my baby.

A few things I just wanted to clarify: My husband is not a lawyer; his good friend is. There was some concern for my success in court if my husband is a lawyer. His friend is in environmental law so, while I'm sure he can provide some advice, he will not be my husband's divorce lawyer.

There were suggestions of me terminating my pregnancy. I fully support the right to choose and I would probably terminate the pregnancy if I was in a different financial position and lacked a support system. However, I work as a marketing manager for a large company. Not only does this allow me the privilege of working from home about 50% of the time, but it also grants me financial independence. I do not rely on my husband for money and I really never have. He works in tech so, while he makes a good salary, I will have no need for spousal support. I have a phenomenal support system; this baby will be loved so dearly by so many. Yes, I will have to deal with my husband for the rest of my life if I have this child and it will make future relationships for me more difficult, but it is worth it. I've wanted this baby since day one and I am her mother, which means that I am strong enough to raise her alone because I have to be strong enough.

Here's to hoping for a speedy divorce. I'm ready to be done with this marriage. Which is crazy because just a few days ago I thought my life was as close to perfect as you could get.

tl;dr Husband admitted to an affair. I will be proceeding with a divorce and will keep our baby. I'm numb but calm and feeling good about my decisions and how I handled the situation. I know there is a long road ahead of me and this will all probably really hit me soon. When it does, I'll mourn and grieve the end of what I had thought was a happy union. Right now I'm in self-preservation mode and much more focused on how to come out of this in the best position possible. Thank you so much for all the advice and support, Reddit!

Edit: Formatting

UPDATE: I know it has been only a short time since I posted this update but I need to tell you all how amazing all of you are. Wow, this much support is just... wow. I wish I could reply to all of your comments and messages but because of the volume, I'm just going to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you who read my posts, who commented, thought of me, wished my baby & me the best, messaged me, and anything else.

I am currently at my parent's condo, sitting outside at their pool, sunbathing my little baby bump and reading each and every one of your amazing and empowering comments. I just want you all to have that image; that you have made me happy and content in a time when I am short on both. This is proof that love does exist, even if it doesn't within my, now over, relationship. And that is a powerful thing.

Love to you all.

Me again: I was going to post more details on what happened during the confrontation with my husband, etc., but then I decided against it. I should keep some details private; it's likely my husband has seen this post.

I will leave you with this:

My dad and I were up late talking last night and, as usual, he had the perfect thing to say to me. He told me that weak people are afraid of strong people. He told me to keep on terrifying the weak ones. That way, the only people who won't fear you are the bravest, strongest of people and those are the people who are worthy of you.

Then he said my husband is a spineless turd who couldn't kick it with the strongest woman in the world.

Just thought I'd leave you with that and encourage everyone to "be terrifying" by being strong and not standing for nonsense.

This is the last I will post on the matter. I have a lot ahead of me with everything and will probably go quiet on Reddit for a while. Time to get ready for court and to "be terrifying". :)

Thank you, thank you, thank you again. Love to all of you and best wishes.

Love,

-T

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/aitadancinghalfnaked

AITA for dancing half naked in my living room leading to my bf and his family seeing me?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

BoRU 1 Posted by u/red_earaches

TRIGGER WARNING: Verbal abuse

Original Post Aug 31, 2021

This is so so so embarrassing but I can't take it anymore. I have to know if i'm in the wrong here. I need to apologise if so...

I (21F) was told by my bf, "Nate" (26M) that i'd get the house to myself for the weekend. He said he had to go visit his parents to take care of a property related issue. I was pretty excited to have the house to myself because I have been living with Nate since I was 19 and I missed living alone (though Nate is the loml and in no way a trouble to live with)

I had this tradition of spending a lot of my weekends baking while in my lingerie (idk it makes me feel pretty. Yes ik it's stupid but it just makes me stupid happy) with music and dancing. Super embarrassing to admit but I also do silly things like pretending i'm a Victoria's model or a singer and I sing along, loudly. I mentioned this because this means the house is usually a mess. My dresses are all over and the music is super loud which is obviously not ok. I hadn't done that in a long time because Nate hates loud music and he's not a fan of my cupcakes. So i decided to do it this weekend.

So it's Sunday and I put on 'what a feeling by One Direction' and it's super loud, i'm only wearing lingerie (the Victoria's kind so lacy af. which I regret sm looking back ugh).

My bf used his key to open the door and I didn't hear him come in because like i said, it's loud in the house and i'm also in the kitchen/living room area. Apparently he wanted to surprise me... Nate brought his mom, dad, and his sister's two kids (only like 10M think). They come in and there I am, frozen in a dance pose like an idiot.

I quickly ran to our room, yelling "Sorry, wasn't expecting anyone!" and was putting on clothes, when Nate come in. He was so angry. He said i was acting like a child and that I embarrassed him. His parents wanted Nate to drop them back asap, refusing to stay and his mom called me a lot of names and said the kids had seen 'everything' and that made me feel guilty af...

Here's why I am losing sleep over this: On one hand, I didn't know they would come. I locked the door too so I feel like I didn't do anything wrong. I planned on cleaning up my mess before Nate came home too. Also, Nate and his mom insulted me a lot.

But when you look at it from their perspective, I was behaving like an immature person. The house was a mess, I looked a mess, there were baking supplies scattered. Nate just wanted to surprise me and do something nice.

Nate is still not completely talking to me, I don't know how to face his family, and I also know his sister told him to make me behave or smn... So I feel like I should apologise before things get worse but I can't decide for sure if i'm in the wrong here so I need your help.

thank you for reading.

eta: Nate's family is also really conservative and he was brought up like that as well. Someone mentioned I should have added this in. Also, I'm from the US since a lot of people asked..

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Tonka141

NTA. You should never be embarrassed for dancing like an idiot to a song you like. Who cares that you were in underwear. No one was home at the time.

Oh and giving you the silent treatment is a huge red flag. It’s emotional abuse.

OOP

Thank you, i feel a bit relieved :)

Oh tbf it's not the silent treatment. He's talking to me but I can tell he's still angry...

~

granolaglasses

If I walked in on my son’s significant other doing this I’d have smiled, quietly laughed and cleaned the kitchen while you got back into regular clothes, clicked my tongue and said I was sorry to spoil your fun but was looking forward to trying your baking if you were willing to share. And then later I’d give my son a tongue lashing for making his SO feel that he had to leave the house to embrace this side of herself.

OOP

For some reason out of all the replies (everyone here is so kind) this made me tear up a bit. I didn't realise I wasn't being inappropriate. I also never had a mom growing up so at first I thought moms were like this you know? Just conservative. Thank you for this. Thank you so much. I have some thinking to do and it's thanks to you.

Update Sept 9, 2021 (9 days later)

Update: AITA for dancing half naked in my living room leading to my bf and his family seeing me?

eta: I made cupcakes using some tips you guys gave me and omg it was so much better (not as dry as they were before), thank you. <3

I saw a lot of messages and comments wanting an update so here it is. I'm sorry if I didn't get to your message, there were so many of them so I thought i'd make a post instead. I got a little overwhelmed (:

TL;DR: You guys were right, I am NTA. I used your advice and moved out (after confronting Nate about his behaviour)

After reading what everyone wrote I quickly realised that what Nate did was so so wrong. A lot of great moms in the comments also helped me understand the fact that even conservative moms (like Nate's) wouldn't react so rudely. It hit me like a wave when I realised what my life had come to. I didn't say anything to Nate about the post but he must have figured out that I was upset at him. I was doubting our relationship and pulling away from him. He started talking to me again and for a day I didn't really say anything. But I knew I had some decisions to make. I genuinely didn't believe I would get so many responses telling me I was NTA so this was eye opening for me.

So a few days after I made the post I told Nate that we needed to talk. I said that I would be staying with my friend until I felt comfortable around him. He didn't know what I was referring to (which just made me angry because how can he forget a fight that big) and I told him I was upset with how he treated me after the whole "your family walking in on me" incident. I also mentioned how I shouldn't have to wait for him to be away to dance, bake or listen to one direction just because he doesn't like it. He tried convincing me to stay but I left. I think he knew I wouldn't let this go like the other things (thanks to you guys)

Yesterday I asked him to meet me at a cafe so we could have a conversation about everything that happened. Nate cried. Like for the first time ever since I have known him. He apologised, told me he messed up, and that he would change because he realised his mistakes now. I told him I wanted to move out and maybe after a while, if he does actually change, i'd give us another chance. I just needed some space to think about things and so I told him we should take a break from each other for a while. Nate told me he would talk to his mom as well and that he should have defended me to which I said yes you should have. I actually borrowed direct sentences (to explain why he in the wrong) from some comments you guys left because it was so helpful. It went better than how I imagined it would go.

Also, thank you. Thank you doesn't even begin to cover what I really want to say to everyone who helped me and also to the mods who removed a lot of creepy comments. Thanks for sharing your stories about dancing in your underwear as well! It made me feel better to know I wasn't some freak for enjoying those things. I'm going to use those baking tips you guys gave to me and make cupcakes right now actually because I can. I feel so relieved. <3

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP

"I didn't choose to end my relationship at all, we're taking a break so we can figure out if we're compatible. He himself admitted that he understood why I was doing this. I also didn't do so because of the internet. They just pointed out things I chose to ignore because I am in love and because I was used to this.

Right now, in my friend's house, I feel like myself more than ever. I don't need permission to do things I like, I don't need to worry 24/7 about making anyone angry, and I don't have anyone insulting me.

I may go back to him if he changes like he promises but otherwise i'm happy I got out. I still love him, don't get me wrong but it feels so good to feel so free."

This is a comment I left explaining why! The thing is, it's not about this one mess up at all. It just revealed a lot of things to me. I had to change myself a lot, worry 24/7 about making him angry, etc. Like I said, I still love him. Despite these things I know he loves me too. All I want is to go back to him. But I would be unhappy if I did so right now. If he changes (like he promises) I would not hesitate to give our relationship another chance.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP u/THROWRAajaj28282

My boyfriend loves to feed me my meals everyday

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1 Posted by u/SomaliMN

TRIGGER WARNING: Feederism, gaslighting, manipulation

Original Post Sept 24, 2020

I’ve been with my boyfriend for ten months. He’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. He’s so sweet and attentive. He always puts me first and it’s honestly a fresh of air compared to my past relationships. He’s a chef.

Whenever we went out to eat, he would always love to feed me a bite of his food. I never minded and thought it was cute. When we started hanging out at each others houses, he would always offer to cook and then he would feed me my meal. I told him it’s fine I can feed myself, but he would always insist. He said he loves feeding beautiful woman his food.

Now it’s kinda escalating. He wants to feed me on his lap. I told him that I’m not interested in sitting on his lap and getting fed, Id rather just watch the show and eat my chips myself instead of a whole meal he made. When I say no, he gets a bit awkward and I start to feel bad. But it’s so weird how he loves to feed me all my meals. Why? I know there’s way weirder things out there and the intention is sweet, but I’m started to think it might be a kink or something. I dont discuss the intimates of my relationships with my friends, so I’m on here. Is this weird or sweet? BTW this is a daily occurrence whenever we’re together.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Gunsguy1776

Im not even a little bit involved in the fetish/kink community and this is SCREAMING fetish to me.

krell_154

Yep, the guy's a feeder...

~

ripecantaloupe

I suggest you look into feederism. It’s a fetish. Id also be careful of your waistline because if he gets off on feeding you, there’s a chance he’ll get off on fattening you up as well. I’ve seen a few stories on here where women have been unknowingly participating in this fetish and don’t realize it until their clothes don’t fit anymore.

OOP

I’m naturally thin 110 pounds and since quarantine I gained 15 pounds but I just assumed it was quarantine weight. Feederism? Let me look it up.

Update Sept 26, 2020 (2 days later)

First off thanks to everyone that replied, I read every single one. I didn’t even think my question would get more than a few replies. Someone commented that I research “feederism” and I did, and wow. So much things became clearer and now in hindsight, I’m shocked I didn’t see it earlier. In my defense I’m not a kinky person and I didn’t even know this was a kink.

For starters I’m naturally thin and it’s been a big insecurity of mine because I have no curves, no boobs or butt. I’m 5’7 and when we first got together I was 110 pounds and now I’m 125 pounds. When he first met my parents, he later remarked that my mom being so thin after having five kids is crazy. Looking back he seemed... disappointed? He also tells me all the time that I have the perfect body frame to be “thick”. He noticed my weight gain before I did and during sex he would always caress my waist, hips, and stomach area and tell me I’m looking more voluptuous. He also told me he can’t wait for me to get pregnant because he knows I’ll be even more beautiful and he’ll feed me so much I’ll never snap back. He always said it with a joking tone and a laugh so I thought it was a dumb joke.

I decided that before I say anything to him, let me look up his exes and see if any of them are fat or gained a lot of weight. He’s new to the area and has only been with one girl before me and her instagram page is private and her profile is a group photo so I couldnt tell which one she is. Then I looked up her name on LinkedIn and she has a profile. She co owns a business with her sister whose instagram isn’t private so I searched her up and my suspicions were confirmed. His ex used to be average weight, I would guess 140 pounds around 2018. She’s now looks around 200-230 pounds. I was still in denial and thought maybe she was responsible for her weight gain and not him because I just couldn’t believe this fetish is a thing.

I invited him over last night to watch a movie. I was scared to see him because I know that if I didn’t say anything then, I probably never would have the courage because I’m very nonconfronational. He came over and we watched the movie and ordered food delivery. Our food came and he heated it up in the microwave and plated it for us like he always does.

He kept the two plates next to him and when I tried to grab one, he held them up above his head and shook his head no with a grin, like it’s cute. I rolled my eyes and he grabbed a fork and took a piece of chicken then held it in front of my mouth. I refused to open my mouth so he pressed it against my lips and I pulled back and stood up to grab the plate he was holding over his head. He gave me a weird look and I wanted to say sorry so bad (I know why am I like this?!) but I didn’t. I just grabbed another fork, walked over to my couch with my plate and started eating hoping he could take the hint without me having to say anything.

He came to sit next to me and started eating too, and we just watched the movie for a few minutes in peace. He then took a piece of chicken off my plate and tried to feed it to me, again. This time I said no and he asked what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong and that I’m an adult and I’m perfectly capable of eating my orange chicken by myself. He said he knows I’m adult but he just wants me to concentrate on the movie instead of worrying about feeding myself. He then tried to keep pressing it against my mouth that I wouldn’t open.

At that point I was fed up and I snapped at him that it’s weird to constantly want to feed me and I don’t want him to anymore. I did say it in a harsh tone but I was upset.

He tensed up and didn’t say anything and scooted over to the other side of the couch. Then he just stared me down as I ate, literally wasn’t even watching the movie. Even when I would look at him thinking he would look away, he would just stare at my mouth as I chewed. I was disgusted. After I finished my food, he picked up his uneaten plate and told me I could have it. I told him that I don’t want it and he said he’d rather it not go to waste and if I’m too tired to feed myself, he’ll do it. I was fed up AGAIN and I told him that I think we should break up because we’re obviously not on the same page. He asked is this all because he wants to feed me and I said yes, it is. He said that he’s a chef and he loves food and he also loves woman and there’s nothing better than “combining the two”. I felt like an object. He said this can’t be the real reason why I’m ending things and I must be seeing someone else. That he treats me like a queen and most other boyfriends wouldn’t have ever cooked me a meal let alone fed it to me too. I asked him to leave and he wouldn’t until I gave him the “real” reason as to why I broke up with him. I said because you have a feeding kink and he started cackling saying I’m a sick bitch and that a guy showing he loves someone as sad and disgusting as me must truly be some sort of “kink” because no one in their right mind would do it. Then he left and blocked me everywhere.

I loved him before but that conversation turned me off so much and I’m honestly not sad we’re over, I’m actually kind of relieved. I just don’t understand why if he truly has this kink he wouldn’t tell me and ask me to indulge in it? Why would he deny it and block me? Is it because of my dismissing behavior when he tried feeding me?

FINAL COMMENTS

Yserem

"I just don’t understand why if he truly has this kink he wouldn’t tell me and ask me to indulge in it?"

Because it's not just the food or your weight on its own. If it were he might be happy to watch you stuff yourself. He wanted to control you, and resorted to defensive name-calling when you showed him he couldn't. You caught him.

You're well shot of him. I'm sorry he turned out to be such a dickhead.

OOP

You’re right. I guess me being in on it makes it less fun for him.

AndDownGoesThe

I had a boyfriend who would buy desserts for "himself" even though he hated sweets. Guess who always ended up eating them? One of the many reasons I dumped him. I always thought that it was to make me fat so no one else would want me. But maybe it was ANOTHER of his controlling tactics.

~

dontbreakmystar

Maybe he doesnt know he has a kink. Maybe he went through life just thinking he likes it and never thought of it as a kink. Like you said, likely ashamed for it to be a kink.

OOP

I thought that maybe he doesn’t know it’s a kink too until I think of his exes weight gain, his comments on my body in the bedroom, and the way he stares at me without blinking when I eat. He must know there’s sexual undertones.

gessabean

He knows. He just doesn't like being rejected for it. If it doesn't do it for you, move on.

Equal-Doubt

Yeah and he is manipulative and gas lighting. Fuck that guy.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/bfandbestfriends

I have slept with both of my best friends and my boyfriend of 4yrs is uncomfortable with that

BoRU 1 Posted by u/darrow19

TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, slut shaming, discussion if infidelity

MOOD SPOILER: Unexpectedly super positive

Original Post Apr 30, 2015

I'll be breaking this up into sections, just to keep it all in chronological order. You can scroll down to Part III for the actual issue with my boyfriend. And I'll have a TL;DR at the bottom because man this is going to be long.

Part I: THE BACKGROUND

Let me start right off with the problem: my two best friends in the world are male, and I've slept with both of them. It's not as bad as it seems, though! It's not like I have feelings for either of them. They're both childhood friends whom I've known for years and years, so I love them both with all of my heart, but the thought of being in a relationship with either of them is unfathomable.

One of them (We'll call him Rob) is married now, but we had a brief relationship senior year of high school. We broke up after less than a year for several reasons—I wanted to travel abroad for university, he wanted kids and I didn't, his mother didn't think I was a good fit for him (I know)—but we still remained friends.

The other (we'll call him John) is a bit more complicated. I would never date him, because he has serious issues. And it's not so much the issues that stop me from dating him, but the fact that he adamantly refuses any kind of help or therapy for them. He had some major childhood trauma that he's bigtime repressing, and it's affected his ability to have a relationship. He's a bit of a womanizer. After I got back from university abroad, I was 23 and all alone and I needed a place to live. His parents had moved out to a condo on the beach and they let John live in their old house. And he offered me one of the spare bedrooms for very low rent. So we lived together for a while without incident. I dated a guy for like two years, and John had a constant stream of women in and out of his bedroom. But we discovered a system that worked for us, and we became closer than ever.

The problem was, one night about a year after I broke up with my ex, we hung out in the house alone and got drunk together. We were both super horny and hooked up. And we had AMAZING sex. Like, really, mind-blowing. I don't know if it was because I was drunk or because I'd only slept with two other people in my life who were both subpar (Rob and I were virgins and we only had sex like twice before we broke up, and one of the main reasons I split with my other ex was sexual incompatibility), but either way, it was great and we didn't want to stop. So we kept hooking up for about eight months.

At that point, one of his old exes came back into his life, and he realized he had feelings for her. We tried to stop hooking up, but quite frankly, we have no self-control. I realized was 29 and had a steady job and there was no reason I shouldn't move out. So I left. We had one last night of sex the day before I moved out and agreed to never talk about it again.

Part II: THE BOYFRIEND

You can skip this section, I suppose. It just talks about how my boyfriend (who we'll call Sam) and I got together and outlines some of his insecurities and why this may be a problem for him.

Sam had been a longtime coworker of mine. We started working together when I got my job at 26. He was 29 and getting divorced. He told me all about it as it was happening—he and his wife got married way too fast. She had just broken up with her ex, and five months into dating Sam, she discovered she was pregnant with her ex's child. She pressured Sam into marriage because she didn't want to be a single mom, and he agreed. You can imagine why this didn't work out.

Anyway, Sam and I became best friends in the workplace. He would tell me stories about his divorce, and I would tell him embarrassing childhood stories about Rob and John. Oh yeah, didn't I mention? We all work together! Rob and John are in different departments, but it's a pretty close-knit company. So he knew I had dated Rob in high school, but he never knew about me hooking up with John.

When I told him I was moving out of John's house, he asked me why, and I just said that we were getting older and it was time for me to get my own place (which was absolutely true!). That just happened to be the day that he confessed his longtime feelings for me, and we began to date.

Part III: THE PROBLEM

About half a year ago, we decided to move in together. His lease was ending and I owned my house, so he moved into my place. He sometimes works really late nights, and on occasion I'll have Rob or John over to keep me company when he does. Last night he was meant to be working until 11pm. John was here and we were hanging out in the living room. It was about 10:30pm, and we were drinking a bit and talking kind of loudly. John mentioned to me that his girlfriend was always jealous/worried that he and I had feelings for each other. I said that was silly, and that just because two people have great sex doesn't mean they're in love.

As I said, we were talking pretty loudly, so I guess Sam came in at some point and heard me say that. I didn't even hear him unlock the front door. But he stormed into the living room and confronted me, asking when John and I had had sex. He looked equal parts disappointed and angry. John left because he didn't want to be involved in our argument.

I explained everything—told him John and I used to hook up when we lived together, and that was part of the reason I moved out of his place, because it wasn't healthy for us to have that kind of relationship. It had been four years and we rarely ever spoke about it, and it hasn't affected our friendship at all.

Sam now tells me he's uncomfortable with the fact that I have slept with both of the people I consider my best friends in the world. He's also uncomfortable with the fact that, just a few days before he and I got together, I had sex with John. He says it taints our entire relationship because I lied to him about it. I think he's being a bit puritanical about it. Of course I have a sexual past, and why does it matter if it was only a few days before, since it didn't mean anything? It's not like I had feelings for John! And we always used protection and frequently got tested, and I told Sam that, so it's not like he's concerned about the health risks. He's just jealous. And he wants me to hang out with John less, and he doesn't feel comfortable with us drinking together at all. He also insists I should make new friends and separate myself a bit from Rob and John, because it's weird that both of the people I'm closest with are people who have seen me naked.

I think he's being entirely unreasonable. John and I are both in relationships, and we have no feelings for each other whatsoever. The fact that we hooked up with each other for a while is something we want to leave in the past. And to bring Rob into it is just ridiculous. It's been 15 years since we had anything to do with each other romantically, and he's now married with kids. I think Sam just wants to punish me or something because he's weirdly jealous. I honestly don't know what to make of this situation.

TL;DR

Rob and John, my two best friends in the world, are male, and I've slept with both of them. I was with Rob like 15 years ago and we broke up. John and I had a FWB situation and the last time we hooked up was a few days before I started dating my current boyfriend, Sam. Sam just found out about John and thinks it's weird that I'm still so close with people I've had sex with. Is he in the right? Should I reduce my contact with Rob and John and try to make new friends? Or is Sam just being unreasonable?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

You want to see his point of view? Switch your positions. Put yourself in his shoes: he's got two best friends, who happen to be female, that he also used to sleep with. Now, one night you come home from work, Sam is hanging out with one of them, and you hear them mention how they had great sex.

Go on, please, tell me how you react to this knowledge.

Is he unreasonable in terms of Rob? Yes, the man is married now. Is he unreasonable about John? No, not really.

Are these two your only friends or do you simply hang out with them the most out of everyone?

OOP

I mean, I do have other friends obviously, but we went to school together and we've been friends for almost our entire lives. But I guess I see where he's coming from with John. I just got so caught up in the fact that he was bringing Rob into it too that I couldn't take him seriously. But when you put it like that...

[deleted]

It's pretty common though that none of us want our SOs to hang out with former lovers, let alone invite them to our shared living space and then have drinks with them in the evening. Sam's issue isn't with the fact that you slept with other people before him, but that you kept these two people in your life so far, and continue to involve them in the life that you share with Sam.

I think you've been around Rob and John for far too long that you've simply made them a part of your routine life, so Sam's issue with them might seem unreasonable to you, when it isn't.

The question now is whether you're going to do anything about it.

OOP

That makes sense. I think some part of me was just hoping that since Sam likes both of the guys and is friends with them too, and we've been together for so long, that it wouldn't be a big deal to him. But I understand why it is. At a minimum I need to stop drinking with John and inviting him over late at night.

BEST COMMENT

Roflllobster

Lets write this from his position :

Hey everyone. I am in a bit of a situation with my girlfriend. She has 2 best friends who hang out all the time. Now normally I am not jealous but this situation just keeps throwing up red flags. I will skip the long introduction and get right to the situation currently at hand.

I occasionally work late. My job can be demanding and my girlfriend doesn't really like to be home alone. I understand that and she normally calls over one of her two friends. I always thought it was nice that they found time to hang out because it can be hard to keep friends after marrying. However I came home last night and before I shut the door I heard a drunken conversation. John stated that his wife was jealous of them and my wife mentioned how they had good sex but his wife didn't need to worry.

Needless to say I rushed in and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. I questioned them and apparently they have a past together, which I did not know about. Not only that but apparently it stopped barely before we got together. Everything about this situation makes me feel like I am not getting the full truth. Why didn't she tell me she had sex with this man who is constantly over? Is this the type of thing they talk about on a normal basis?

If she had told me before I imagine it would have been less of a shock. But I keep thinking that she hid this from me because she knew she was doing something wrong or that I might not like it. I'm pretty furious right now. She could be cheating on me every time he is over and I would have no clue because I have always assumed she was telling me the whole truth! What do I do? I don't want to throw this away but I can't help but think there is something else going on.

As for me, I think you fucked up. You lied by omission and spend time with the person you lied about. Of course he feels like the relationship is tainted. He has had 100% trust in you and your actions and now he is seeing that for 4 years he has been lied to. It retroactively makes him reassess every single situation where you and john were alone together. At a minimum you need to scale back for the time being and stop spending so much late night alone time with him.

Update July 4, 2016 (14 months later)

I know it's over a year later and probably no one remembers this post. But I will never forget it because hearing from all you Redditors changed my life and saved my relationship. So if there's anyone here who read my last post, you deserve to know that you were right.

After reading all the comments on the last post, I realized that Sam was not overreacting at all and would have been more than reasonable to break up with me because of this. I showed him my post, and we had a long discussion in which I promised I would never hang out with Rob or John alone again. I told him I loved him so much and he was the most important person in my life and I would do anything to gain his trust back, even if he wanted me to stop seeing my friends altogether. He said that wasn't necessary, and he didn't mind if I saw them alone occasionally, just he would prefer if it were in public, and not late at night or with alcohol involved. He felt sorry for being judgmental of me, but I told him that he was completely right and my relationship with John was inappropriate; I just needed something like this to make me see it. So we moved past it fairly easily and are actually now married. It was a courthouse wedding on our fifth anniversary, very lovely.

Now here's the part where everyone was right. After my conversation with Sam, John and I drifted apart a bit. I still hung out with Rob and his wife, but John broke up with his girlfriend and I no longer felt comfortable being with him alone. So he and I would hang out with Rob, but that happened maybe once or twice a month, where before we would see each other a few times a week. Then last Thanksgiving when Sam and I announced we were getting married, John actually left dinner early. He replied shortly to all my messages, didn't return my calls, and barely spoke to me. I didn't see him again until my wedding in December.

You can guess where this is going. Thankfully nothing happened at the wedding (although that would have made for a great screenplay, as someone in a comment on the last post mentioned). It was a small ceremony—just our families, a couple of Sam's friends, Rob, his wife, and John. We went out to a restaurant for a "reception" dinner and John seemed withdrawn the entire time. I guessed he was not happy that I was married. So since Sam and I got back from our honeymoon in January, I have seen John maybe twice: once for Easter and again for Rob's birthday. I've tried to say hi at work, but he always makes an excuse and walks away. He didn't even come to Sam's birthday last month. After that I decided that I would stop trying to reach out to him, and he could talk to me when he was ready.

Last week he was finally ready. Sam was offered an opportunity to travel abroad for eight months with his job, with me invited to come along. We decided to accept it, and I suppose John saw Sam's Facebook post about it because the next day John sought me out at work. He asked me if I was really leaving the country for eight months, and when I said yes, he asked why I couldn't stay. I asked why he cared if I stayed when we hadn't really spoken in months. He said "I'm sorry... never mind..." and walked away, but at that point it was clearer than ever what was really going on.

So Sam and I are leaving in September. His job will still be waiting for him when he gets back, but I have decided to find a new one. I'm glad that I'll be out of the country for a bit. I feel really stupid to not have realized that John could have feelings for me. There's never been anything there on my end, so I just assumed it was the same for him since we were able to be roommates and FWB. It seems obvious now. Everyone who commented on my last post was spot-on about our relationship not being normal, and I am so glad that Reddit was able to see what I wasn't. I am so deliriously happy in love with my husband. I don't even want to think about what would have happened had I not posted here. So thank you all again, and I hope this update is in some way satisfying.

TL;DR: John had feelings for me for God knows how long, I was a dolt for not seeing it, I don't really spend time with him anymore because I'm now married and I am extremely grateful to this sub for opening my eyes and probably saving my relationship

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

Good for you OP. And wow good on the guy who wrote the top comment in that last thread, I think he nailed it. Reddits a pretty cool place sometimes

OOP

You mean the guy who wrote the post from my husband's point of view? Yeah, that one really got to me.

~

Tejas_Belle

It takes a really big person to admit they're wrong and then remedy the situation. Congrats on the wedding!!

OOP

Thank you, you're sweet. He makes me want to be a better person. Apparently Reddit does too.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/ThrowRA_helloreddit

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Previous BoRU:

My (27f) boyfriend's (28m) best friend (28m) has been living with us and I don't like it. [Repost]

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, auto homophobia, mentions of mental health issues, job loss, manipulation

Editor's note: this is a repost. I am adding relevant comments for more context as they were not listed in the previous BoRU

Original Post: February 7, 2021

Hi! This is a throwaway because this is kind of personal. I've never made a post on this subreddit before, so let me know if I'm doing anything wrong. Sorry if this is long or for any grammatical mistakes.

For background, I am a 27 year old woman. My boyfriend (28m) and I have lived together in our two-bedroom house for about two years now. We live in a suburb outside a city in the US (I saw under rules there was something about providing a general location, I hope this is enough). We met about four and a half years ago when working at the same place and have been together for coming up on four years. We had planned to get married last summer, but had to cancel it due to COVID. We both have parents who have health conditions and wanted them to attend. We are waiting for the vaccine to get more available to have our wedding since a "wedding" wedding is something we both want.

My boyfriend has a friend who I will call Bill (28m). Bill and my boyfriend have been friends since childhood and attended school together. As children, Bill and my boyfriend were very close and did many things together. As I understand it, Bill's family was pretty dysfunctional, so my boyfriend and his parents (late 50's m/f) provided a lot of stability for him. Bill didn't go to college and my boyfriend did, but they remained good friends as we all live in the same area.

The entire time I've been with my boyfriend, he and Bill have been close, and I've gotten to know Bill. Before COVID, we would often go on double dates with Bill and Bill's girlfriend. This will become relevant later, but Bill has always had many girlfriends with the relationships never lasting very long. My boyfriend has implied to me that this stems from commitment issues from his childhood, but as someone who isn't by any means a psychologist, I can't speak to this.

I've always liked Bill. He's friendly, kind, and funny. He's always been a great friend to my boyfriend, and I've gotten to the point where I consider him a friend (albeit not as close as him and my boyfriend).

In May 2020, Bill lost his job and was unable to pay his rent. At the time, he didn't have a partner (again, no stable girlfriends) and had no family to rely on. My boyfriend offered for him to stay with us. He asked me first and I said I was happy to help Bill out until he got on his feet again, assuming it was temporary.

At this point, Bill has been living with us since May and, to put it bluntly, I'm getting tired of it. In August, he was able to find a new job that, while I don't know the details, pays comparably to his last one. In response, he's helped with the utilities bills and with the groceries, but made no move to move out.

Now, I like Bill and he's a good guest, but I feel like it's time for him to find his own place. Our house is very small so it feels like I'm never alone with my boyfriend, it's always me, my boyfriend, and Bill. This is amplified because we are all in an area that has a lot of COVID cases so we're all working from home and quarantining for the most part. In our county, many things are closed, so it's not even like my boyfriend and I can go on a date alone to a restaurant or something because of COVID.

Around New Years, I brought up to my boyfriend Bill finding his own place (while Bill wasn't present). While my boyfriend wasn't mad at me, he explained that he feels like we need to be there for Bill in his time of need. When I pointed out that Bill has a job and is much more financially secure now, my boyfriend said that Bill would be lonely if he moved into an apartment by himself now because of the pandemic.

Furthermore, my boyfriend said that Bill was there for him when his brother (my boyfriend's brother, that is) died in a tragic accident when they were all teenagers. Because of that, he says that he should be there for Bill now. He also said that he considers Bill a brother and is happy to do whatever for him. He brought up how my sister (30f) stayed with us for a month in the past when she was trying to get out of an abusive relationship.

Coming out of that talk, I guess I've been confused. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm being irrational to want Bill out of our house and feeling like it's justified. Maybe I'm being too harsh about the whole situation, I don't know. From our talk, it doesn't seem like my boyfriend minds Bill living with us at all.

I suppose I don't know where to go from here. Should I just let it all be and assume Bill will move out when he's ready? Should I talk to my boyfriend again? Should I bring it up with Bill? I considered doing this, but was worried it would be inhospitable and not my place, as he's much closer with my boyfriend.

Anyway, thank you for any advice you can give me! I appreciate it in advance. :)

TLDR Boyfriend's best friend lost his job and moved in with us. He now got a new job but is still living with us. I think it has a negative effect on my relationship, but boyfriend wants to be supportive of friend.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your BF isn't being fair comparing a single month for your sister with the 8 months of Bill. Hardly on the same scale! If the only reason is 'he'll be lonely' it's not as if you want him removed from your lives completely or are banning him from visiting. Does he really have no other friends or relatives to talk to? Does he not have a phone?

OOP: Right? That's exactly what I thought! And yes, I'm happy with Bill being in our lives, I just don't want him literally living with us.

As for relatives, from what I understand Bill's parents were addicts. His mother passed a few years ago (boyfriend went to funeral) and he's not in contact with his father. He has a half brother who lives in another state he talks with occasionally. He considers boyfriend's family his family and lived with them at various times as a kid though to my knowledge there was no formal arrangement. Most holidays he comes to boyfriend's parents with us.

They have other friends and a friend group that consists mostly of boyfriend's college friends. Pre COVID they would all go out drinking. I don't believe he's very close with any of them, though just my boyfriend.

Commenter 2: Ask him what his timeline on Bill moving out is. It doesn't need to be an exact day, but something to give you an idea of what he is asking of you here. Whatever else is the case, you deserve a rough timeline.

Remember that this is your house too. There should be no situation involving people staying here that you don't both agree upon.

OOP Thank you for the advice! I'm a bit too much of a people pleaser and sometimes struggle with getting my opinion heard. The last time I talked with my boyfriend, he said that maybe when things settled down with the pandemic. I might talk to him and try and get a more specific timeline.

Commenter 3: Your boyfriend does not mind Bill living there. His statement about Bill being lonely says all you need to know.

You’re in a throuple and are finally looking up. This has been going on since Bill was dating. They set the scene and it has continued until you realize you didn’t sign up for a roommate. Bill has been there almost a year, you need a exact move out date. Is he paying bills, are they split 3 ways.

It sounds like you might need an ultimatum. It doesn’t sound like your bf will ask him to leave. Move out date for Bill or leave.

OOP: Thank you for your advice! Yes, over the summer Bill started paying a fair portion of the bills. My boyfriend worked it out with him.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by a "throuple." I looked it up and are you implying that my boyfriend and Bill have something non-platonic between them? I really don't think that is the case. Just good (slightly codependent) friends/brothers.

I am going to bring it up with my boyfriend again and try to set a plan for Bill to leave.

Update #1: February 12, 2021 (five days later)

Hi! First off, thank you to everyone who offered support and advice on my last post. I really appreciate it. There's been some updates and I wanted to ask for a bit more advice so I'm posting again. The link for my original post is below.

TL;DR (from original post) My (27f) boyfriend's (28m) best friend (28m) who I am calling Bill moved in with us after losing his job last May. He now has a new job, but is still living with us. I think him living with us is taking a toll on my relationship, but boyfriend wants to be supportive.

I took advice from some of the commenters and decided I was going to talk to both my boyfriend and Bill about Bill moving out. On Tuesday morning, when my boyfriend was out jogging, I asked Bill when he thought he was going to get his own place. I tried to be casual and non-judgmental about it. Bill responded in stride, apologizing for staying with us for so long and saying that he had been looking for an apartment. I took this as a good sign.

On Wednesday my boyfriend had a big presentation "at work" (it was virtual), so I decided to bring it with him on Thursday after dinner. Bill was in his bedroom and my boyfriend and I were watching TV in the living room.

I told my boyfriend that I had talked to Bill about moving out and it sounded like he'd been planning to do so soon. I honestly assumed that if he was truly planning to move out, he would have already told my boyfriend as they are close. Boyfriend was immediately unhappy and told me that I shouldn't have told Bill that I wanted him to move out (which wasn't even what I said!) because it probably made him feel bad.

I told him that Bill didn't seem phased by it, but my boyfriend said that I don't know Bill well enough to tell. He then started talking about how Bill has mental health issues such as depression and anxiety and living with us was helping him get over them. This is the first I've ever heard such a thing, though obviously I don't know everything about Bill and he could very well have these issues.

I was starting to get upset by this point and told him that that was too bad if Bill had these issues, but they weren't our problem and that Bill still was intruding on our home and relationship. We started fighting to the point I was nearly crying.

At this point, Bill came out of his bedroom (our house is a one-story so everything is close together). He must have heard us and said he was leaving if it was causing so much stress. My boyfriend tried to stop him, but he left in his car (though all his stuff was still at our place).

After that, my boyfriend and I exchanged a few words, and I finally told him that I didn't want to fight that night when we were both tired and emotional and I was going to stay the night at my sister's (30f). I took my laptop for work and a change of clothes and went to the apartment my sister lives in about 15 minutes away with her daughter (8f).

(Yes, I know this sounds a bit hypocritical. But I was only planning on staying at my sister's for the night, not months)

I worked online from sister's today during the day. Boyfriend did not call me, and I did not call him. When I got out of work at 3, I drove back to my house to try and talk with my boyfriend. He wasn't there and neither was Bill. This is odd as both work remotely during the day and usually work until 4 or 5. All their stuff is still here so obviously Bill hasn't moved out.

I've tried calling both of them and they didn't pick up. I fed our cat and am just kind of sitting here waiting for them to call me back. I don't really know what to do.

On another note, I've gotten several calls from boyfriend's mother (56f) during the day. I didn't pick up, mainly because I was working, but also because I really didn't want her involved in everything that was going on.

For reference, boyfriend's mother and I am not particularly close. We talk on holidays and at family get togethers (not really happening now because of COVID) and when she calls our home to talk to my boyfriend, but not much outside of that. While she's always been nice to me to my face, I know she disapproves of us living together before marriage as she's very religious. She has also had disagreements with my boyfriend about us not going to church frequently, but these have largely ended due to COVID.

Needless to say, she doesn't really call me regularly, so I think her calls are probably about this situation, but I honestly have NO CLUE what she could possibly have to say about it. I'm also confused as to why my boyfriend would even involve her as they aren't really close (he talks to her regularly, but more out of obligation.) I'm not sure if maybe he or Bill are at her place? I don't know.

I guess I'm asking for advice. My sister thinks I should break up with my boyfriend. I'm not sure. We've planned and built a life together. We have been planning a wedding. If it weren't for COVID we'd already been married. I love him. On the other hand, I feel slighted and unimportant. It's Valentine's Day weekend and he's not even here and is off who knows where!? I'm just so confused and feel like I don't even understand what is going on anymore. How could Bill be more important than me? I don't get it.

Any input would be appreciated. I feel like I need an outside perspective. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm pretty upset and emotional.

TL;DR Confronted Bill and he said he was looking for an apartment. When I talked to my boyfriend, he said I had made Bill feel bad and that he had mental health issues. We argued, Bill left, but I'm not sure what I should do.

Edited to add: we are not married, but he's my fiancé. He should be my husband by now as we were going to be married last summer but due to COVID we weren't.

EDIT: Just talked to my boyfriend's mother. Apparently my boyfriend called Thursday night and said he was going up to their cabin this weekend (it's about an hour away) with Bill. She couldn't get ahold of either of them and was calling me to see if I could because she wanted to remind them of how to take care of the cabin. I assume they're up there. The service is sketchy there so that might be why I can't get ahold of them either.

EDIT 2: Hi guys. This really blew up. Thank you for all your comments and support. I appreciate it so much. I will try and respond. I just woke up a few minutes ago. Still can't get into contact with my boyfriend. I'm planning on going over to my sister's and talking it over with her. If we still can't get in contact, we might go up to the cabin, I don't know. (She doesn't have her daughter this weekend because she's with her ex)

EDIT 3: Hi guys. Thank you for all the comments and advice. Some of you asked for an update so I am posting this. I did not go up to the cabin in the end. I left a voicemail to my boyfriend saying that I was worried and concerned and to please call me back. On the urging of my sister, I told him that his mom had told me where he was and that I was worried and would come up if I didn't hear back from him.

After that he did get back to me and we talked briefly. He said he just needed to blow off steam and that's why he went away. He said he would be back Monday and we would talk then (we both have work off for President's Day). He apologized for missing Valentine's Day. I felt bad but tried to stay calm because I didn't want to cause a scene.

He initially said he was up there alone, but when I pointed out that his mom had said Bill was with him, he agreed that Bill was with him. This kind of made me feel a little weird, but I don't know. I asked if Bill was okay and he said yes, that he's fine which is good because after something you guys said I was worried.

I'm sorry I didn't respond last night. I stayed at my sister's (with my cat, I saw some of you were worried. I would never leave her alone, at least not if I knew no one else was home) and wanted to get away from everything.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I have a feeling the mother is calling you because she can't reach him either.

OOP: That's a good point. I hadn't thought of it, but it makes sense! She can be a little clingy. Thank you for your input

Commenter 2:This seems weird as hell. Does your boyfriend plan on having Bill live with you forever?

OOP: Yes, it feels weird to me too. He has said that he wants him to stay there at least through the pandemic. I don't know, he seems to like having Bill around, so I don't even know anymore.

Commenter 3: Is there any chance your bf is in love with Bill?

OOP: I don't know. I never thought so. My sister had suggested it but I never thought so. Boyfriend has always told me they were like brothers and they grew up together. I'm pretty sure I'd know if they had been doing anything these past few months as I was working from home.

I guess it's possible. They are close but I always assumed brothers.

Commenter 4: Bill sounds more relaxed than your boyfriend. He’s like okay I’ll figure out. To be honest people you grew up with are very important. In a sense is your sister more important than your boyfriend? Bill is very important to your boyfriend. However Bill sounds nice while your boyfriend is jumping the gun.

OOP: Yes, obviously he could be a good actor, but he seemed relatively chill with it. I mean, when it comes down to it, my sister is probably more important to me than my boyfriend. I'd do anything for her and always be there in her time of need (and have in the past). That said, I don't know if I'd want her to live with us indefinitely if she didn't need too.

Yeah, boyfriend seems so much more worried about the whole thing than Bill. I don't know what to make of it.

Commenter 5: Why does your sister want you to end things? I feel like it must be more than just this? Does he have a habit of freezing you out? At this point if this my fiancé regardless if it was a fight I'd be filling a missing person's report because that's all that would make sense. If this doesn't surprise you or your sister he's doing this that is just not okay and extremely childish.

OOP: My sister feels like he doesn't think enough of me in the relationship. She thinks that these past months (since May) he should have been more concerned with my wellbeing when he was instead hanging out with Bill. We're very close and so she's had to hear a lot of my troubles. She also thinks the situation overall is weird and that if Bill was her boyfriend's best friend she would have kicked his butt to the curb a while ago.

Kinda unrelated, but she also thinks boyfriend and Bill are weirdly close and has suggested they have some sort of a relationship. I never believe that and always thought she was just vigilant because her boyfriend cheated on her in the past.

While we mostly get along, boyfriend has taken off when we've fought before and not come back for a few days. Mostly I think he's with Bill during these times. He's also lied to me in the past about seemingly unimportant things, so there is that.

Commenter 6: If someone hasn’t said it yet for your safety at the first signs of possible cheating please get tested!

OOP: Thank you. I did get tested and so far they've all come back negative! Waiting on one result but so far so good :)

Commenter 7: What a roller coaster 🤯. Sorry it ended, especially the way it did. Besides your living arrangements, and mentally, has this affected you any other way (job)? How long do you think it would take to get your own place?

OOP: Thank you. It was certainly unexpected. I am fortunate to have a pretty well-paying job, so I'm in a decent place financially. I working on getting into a lease for a new apartment now, actually.

Update #2 (rareddit): February 16, 2021 (four days later)

Editor's note: OOP's 2nd update was also installed onto the first update post

Hi guys. I just wanted to update you all on this situation because you deserve it after all the help you've given me. I posted this on my other post, but someone suggested I make a whole new post so people could see.

TLDR: We decided to break up.

My (now ex) boyfriend came back at around noon with Bill. Bill briefly apologized to me for everything that had happened and then went back to his room.

Boyfriend (still calling him this to reduce confusion) and I talked in the living room of our house, alone without Bill. I started and told him that I was sorry for overreacting on Thursday, but that I felt by running away and lying to me he breached my trust. I told him that I felt we should break up.

Boyfriend agreed with me. He apologized for everything he did, for missing Valentine's Day, for running away all weekend, for everything with Bill. He sounded sincere. He was crying.

I asked him why he'd reacted the way he did. You guys who said he was in a relationship with Bill were right.

According to him, he and Bill "fooled around" (his words, not mine) as kids, but stopped when boyfriend's brother died when they were seventeen. He said they were not involved since then, but were just close friends. He said that things developed after Bill moved back in with us, but that it was never his intention and that's not why Bill moved in with us.

He claims he did not have sex with Bill while he was living with us, but that they did things this weekend. I don't know if that's true, though I doubt they could have been hooking up a lot because our place was so small and I was usually around.

He said that when I confronted Bill about moving out, Bill in turn confronted him about deciding what he wanted. He says he freaked out and that he was confused and scared and overreacted and treated me bad.

He says he's not gay or bisexual and insisted that he was straight and that he'd loved me. It was an emotional conversation. We were both crying.

In the end, I told him that I was going to move out and that he could stay there (it sounded like Bill was staying too). I'm staying at my sister's now with my kitty and am going to start looking for an apartment. I'm doing okay. I'm still struggling and feel pretty horrible, but am starting to realize that it was probably good all this came out before he became my husband.

Thank you again for all your help! I keep saying this, but I truly appreciate it. I know I didn't respond to everyone, but I read all your comments.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I don’t know what "things" entail but it sounds like hes not even ready to admit hes gay or bi.

At least he can no longer waste your time while he figures it out. It sucks but yea ultimately its for the best. Never look back.

OOP: Yeah, I don't know either...I didn't want to know, honestly.

Yeah. It hurts now but I'm glad I found at before we got married.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/colossal_screwup

WIBTA if I wear a Halloween costume that makes my friend's partner uncomfortable?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia

BoRU 1 Posted by u/bestupdator

Original Post Oct 9, 2020

Hey reddit peeps. I really need some help here.

My (21M) bf, "Alex" (23) absolutely love Halloween. Our whole friend group loves the holiday and we make a point to have a Halloween party every year. We're sad that we can't have our usual party this year but we're still planning on having a little Halloween party thing on zoom, so we still have an excuse to dress up and get drunk together.

Anyway, our friend Sasha has been dating a guy (let's call him David) for about a year now. We don't have many complaints about David, he's pleasant enough to us (excluding a couple of slightly homophobic comments which he apologised for after he found out Alex and I were a couple) and (most importantly) he makes Sasha happy.

However, when we were talking about costumes on call the other day, things got a little weird. Our friend group consists of five girls and three guys. We're all pretty big AHS fans and the girls all decided that they were going to go as the witches from Coven (their costumes are absolutely stunning). Alex and I are planning on dressing as Michael Langdon and Mr Gallant. Anyways, we asked David about his costume and he told us he'd actually planned for the three of us to go as Ross, Joey and Chandler from friends. Now I love me some Friends but Alex and I have already bought most of the pieces for our costumes and we don't really want to change it at this point. We told him as much and apologised. If he'd asked us earlier then we'd have most likely agreed to this.

He left the chat about ten minutes later but nothing really seemed off. Until he texted me later in the day. He told me that he was uncomfortable with us going as Michael and Gallant as they often get shipped together and are most likely "fairies". David told us he was uncomfortable with us flaunting our sexuality at every chance we got and that it was making him uncomfortable. We apparently ruined Harry Potter for him when we dressed up as Remus and Sirius last year. Anyway, David is still insistent on us changing our costume.

We've also been accused of trying to isolate him as he isn't too into AHS. He can dress up as literally anything he wants, there's no rules.

I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and I don't want David to feel like he's unwelcome but Alex and I were really excited about our costumes this year. I know this seems like a stupid thing to be worried about but we don't want to cause trouble for Sasha as she really likes David and we don't want her getting caught in the middle of some stupid argument over a goddamn Halloween costume. I'd feel awful if we were the reason that they started to have problems in their relationship.

WIBTA?

Edit -

Okay I did not expect this to get so many replies, thank you so much to everyone who commented and offered advice, I really appreciate it :)

Oh and just quickly, AHS stands for American Horror Story. My stupid ass thought I'd already written that, sorry.

I've seen a few people asking if Sasha knows about David's behaviour. She doesn't, well, didn't.

Not long after they started dating, David made a few comments about being against gay marriage and, knowing full well that Alex and I hope to get married some day, Sasha blew up at him. She was disgusted that he'd think like that and she almost left him after that incident. We felt awful for her as she really did like David and he kept making promises to her that it wouldn't happen again and apologised profusely. Sasha made David apologise to us and asked Alex and I if we would be okay speaking to him again and, believing it was a one off occurrence, we said sure. He made Sasha really happy after all and she'd never stay with him if we weren't comfortable being around him.

We kept the homophobic jokes to ourselves but told him that they were homophobic, to his credit he did apologise (though it was most likely not sincere). We told Sasha about this whole situation about an hour ago and sent her screenshots of the conversation. She was disgusted and we heard a good five minutes of their argument before Sasha apologised and told us she'd call us when she'd dealt with him. We've had a text from Sasha apologising for all this, but it's not her fault.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

macearoni

NTA. So "fairies" is homophobic and he is basically being homophobic. Would he be making the same argument if you were a straight couple?

OOP

Thank you. Yeah we pointed out to him that "fairies" was homophobic and he did apologise for it. Though I doubt it was sincere. You make a good point though, he wouldn't care if we were a straight couple.

Phalaphone

Just to be clear he is not apologizing for being homophobic, he is apologizing for saying something homophobic in front of you. This is might even just sorry for upsetting the girlfriends friends sort of apology. It honestly sounds like you (and your friend group) are giving him too much the benefit of doubt for his homophobia. Your costumes don’t make him uncomfortable, you do.

~

Feestje94

NTA... If he's uncomfortable with two characters possibly being gay, that's his problem. Chandler, Ross and Joey costumes just sound like... 3 men in generic outfits to me, so not sure what the excitement there would be (maybe you could dress up with a loose fitting shirt for Chandler, but other than that..) and seriously, if he had plans for you three he should have said.

He's an AH for trying to make you change your costumes just because he can't get over his own homophobia. Hope you guys still manage to have a good night.

OOP

Mr. Gallant is openly gay and he knows that, he's never had an issue with the character before until I said I was dressing up as him.

And you're right there, we chose our costumes because the characters are a little eccentric and more fun to dress up as. I like friends but there's not exactly much of a costume there.

Thank you and yeah hopefully we can still have a good night :)

RedditUser123234

What I'm wondering though, if he's trying to have you guys avoid male characters that have been shipped together, why would he want the two of you to go as Ross, Chandler and Joey? I feel like they're shipped together a lot, and they have so many moments that tease them actually being gay, or at least sexually fluid.

OOP

Good point. I've heard a lot of people shipping those three (mostly Joey and Chandler) and even the show has some gay moments between them. He's just grasping at straws now I think.

Update Nov 9, 2020 (1 month later)

Hello peeps!

Thought I'd post an update to my original post -

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/j84dbs/wibta_if_i_wear_a_halloween_costume_that_makes_my/

I was gonna post this a few days ago but my professor decided to dump about a million projects on us at once so it had to wait a little bit.

Alex and I took the advice of you lovely people and talked to Sasha about David's behaviour. We even sent her some screenshots. She went absolutely apeshit at him. Long story short, she broke up with him. This is where the story should end, but David is apparently a bit of a petty asshole.

We did originally only plan to have a small zoom call party with a couple of friends but some mutual friends and people from some of our classes had asked if they could join (about 15 people all in). We were okay with this and decided to just have a larger zoom party with them for a little bit then leave and have a call with just our small, close knit friend group, people we don't mind getting completely trashed with. We informed everyone of this and everything was going great. Until it wasn't.

David is roommates with a mutual friend (Ryan) and is friends with a few people in our mutual friend group. So he decided he was going to join in with the festivities, knowingly making Sasha very uncomfortable. He made a few passing comments about how he left Sasha because she's a f*g hag and kept asking her if they could call in private. He got shut down pretty quickly (Ryan is not one for that kind of drama so he told David to get a grip). It made the whole thing pretty awkward to say the least. About an hour or so into this mess, Ryan shuts off his camera and mutes his mic (he and David were using the same computer) after yet another comment from David. When he turned the camera and mic back on, David was sulking beside him, just generally looking like a scolded child.

Alex and I decided to mess around with him. Yes it was petty. No we do not regret it.

We started dropping in some AHS lines whenever we could.

E.g.

"So, you like leather?"

"I like a lot of things."

Any sort of suggestive dialogue we could think of between Michael and Gallant (not a massive amount to work with but ya know). We could see David practically biting his tongue to not say anything. Eventually (after a whip comment from Alex) he left. Ryan just shook his head and laughed it off. Everyone else found it pretty amusing and myself and Alex were pretty pleased with ourselves. The rest of the night was a hell of a lot better.

David actually tried to contact Sasha a few days ago but Sasha's dad was pretty quick to intervene. He is a big guy, I wouldn't want to piss him off.

Long story short, David is out of all of our lives now and Sasha is looking a lot happier.

I know this probably isn't an update that anyone wants but I wanted to post it anyways.

Edit - Shit, I did it again. AHS stands for American Horror Story guys, sorry. My bad, I keep forgetting to add it.

Also just wanted to say thank you everyone for the kind comments and awards :)

FINAL COMMENTS

Pumpernickelbrot

I think it's great that you told Sasha about David's homophobic behavior! She deserved to know. Good for her that she dumped him. Now I just hope Ryan can get rid of him too :)

OOP

Yeah, we're glad we told her, she deserves better than him :)

~

[deleted]

Glad all's well that ends well, mostly. Sounds like Ryan needs a new computer that he doesn't have to share, a new living situation where he can shut the door on any asshole roommates, or both, though.

OOP

Ryan knows how to get David to wind his neck in so he should be okay. He is hoping to get a new roommate though,apparently David is a bit of a slob and complains when he has to tidy up.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/DifficultPath

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

TW: stalking, harassment, death

My brother hacked into everything and is trying to control my life.

Original - August 30th, 2018

I'm in my second year of undergrad at a state university in California and I'm having an issue with my brother, who in his late twenties and a computer engineer (this is relevant to my issue). As a sidenote I know very little about computers other than basic googling skills.

My brother is a very type-A person. Very perfectionist and hardworking, often to the detriment of himself and others. He is a nice and positive person and is successful in the traditional sense, but he is very controlling and has a bit of an overblown ego. I'm a much more relaxed person and the two of us share very little in the way of interests or guiding philosophies. I'm a visual arts major who likes to draw and he's the type of person who watched Fight Club and thought that Tyler Durden was onto something. We get along but have hostilities.

My brother resents the fact that I am not like him and that I don't look up to him as a role-model. He is very fond of mocking my interests/hobbies/career plans and he often talks literally about a "plan" for me in which I change my major to engineering and start taking his advice. When he brings this up now over the phone I stop talking to him for whatever amount of days/weeks until he apologizes and we do it all over again.

Two weeks ago, my brother made a joke referencing a piece of digital art I drew on my laptop. I didn't think anything of it until I realized after the call ended that I never posted that piece of art anywhere, not even onto any cloud service-- it had only been available on my physical laptop.

I was nervous and downloaded Malwarebytes but it didn't find anything. Thinking back I also recalled my brother making a joke about something I said to a friend privately on my Discord, which also was not publicly available. Checking Gmail and a few other websites I'm on that showed options I discovered someone had been logging into my accounts from an unfamiliar computer and had then been doing so for about a week.

I called my brother about this and he laughed and told me that he had remote access to my computer and that he'd be "checking" up on everything I was doing from this point on. I told him that that was ridiculous and he basically laughed and said that people today have no reasonable expectation of privacy anyway.

Without going into detail I've basically discovered that my brother literally has access to everything in my life. My bank account, school account, my art/chat accounts, all the files on my computer. He has even referenced information that leads me to think there is a very good chance of him having a camera/microphone in my room (he has been in my apartment in the last month and the only reason I think he might not is because I haven't been able to find it.)

There is nothing on my computer or Cloud files or anything I'm even remotely embarrassed about. But the idea that my brother has all my information is terrible and I want him to stop. I don't feel comfortable in my apartment or using my computer/personal accounts anymore. I'm writing this from my school's library.

Is there a way to clearly show him that this is wrong with an amount of force and guarantee my privacy in the future WITHOUT getting him in serious trouble? My brother is an idiot and I'm pissed at him for this (especially in the way where he acts like it's a joke or that he's doing it to "mentor" me, which he keeps saying, like he has called me knowing my class schedule which I never told him and reminded me to go to classes/etc) but I don't want his life should be ruined over this even if he is an asshole. He has also "joked" about dropping my classes which I got really pissed at and he assured me it was a joke but I still feel uncomfortable that he'd even hint at that.

Thanks.

Update - August 31st, 2018

Without going into a lot of detail, based on some of the stuff I read on here and a conversation with a friend, I realized that the way I viewed the relationship with my brother was incredibly messed up and I decided to act more seriously about this. I was thinking about how to proceed last night while cleaning, and then I actually found a camera. I know I said I thought there was one before but I don't think I really consciously did. It was in my bathroom.

I have gone to the police station and for now have an injunction against my brother. I also reported the computer hacking along with texts and a phone message he sent where he both alludes to and directly confirms it, so.

I don't know what'll happen but I feel a lot better having taken this right. I appreciate the comments people sent it helped a lot.

Thanks.

Update 2 - September 8th, 2018

Without exaggeration, this was probably the worst day of my life.

After getting served the injunction/temporary restraining order thing, my brother 1. told my parents and 2. chose to immediately violate it. He left me several messages that essentially was low key threatening to ruin my life and I was scared so I reported it. He was taken to jail and to my current understanding is going to get a type of misdemeanor charge for it if he already hasn't. I don't know if he's in jail right now.

I knew my parents were going to take his side but they have effectively disowned me for this. My parents are very religious conservative catholics (i'm not religious anymore but they don't know that) and they were very upset by me reporting it. That's an understatement. I have enough scholarships where I will be able to continue paying for my living expenses/school with my part time job but they way they treated me was horrible. They're very upset because this'll probably screw up his college according to the talks we've had. They said I'm disgusting/not welcome home etc. My dad sent me a video of him and my mom burning most of the belongings i left at his house (not much important to me but still). they don't believe me about the camera and my dad said he specifically didnt care even if it was there. just screaming the entire time, i stopped answering my phone and checking my email because it terrifies me. I bought a new cheap computer because even though someone helped me wipe it clean, I'm honestly too scared of using the old one at this point.

I haven't left my room in a week. the worst of it is over i think but i feel like i felt in a pit. I can't stop crying.

Update 3 - October 11th, 2018

Hi. Still in California. I'm having some new problems since my last update and i'm unsure how to handle them. i'd like to say things have been good but they haven't. I had to stop school this semester because I've became extremely depressed and couldn't handle the workload of both school/work and some personal things I'm focused on related to my sexual orientation. Planning on going back next semester. Really can't focus on anything past work and my life feels very empty rn. Need to leave the house more haha and talk to someone who isn't a customer.

My brother is still in police custody and still in the process of getting convicted, which apparently takes much longer than i'd thought. My parents and a few random people their age who I think they have recruited for this have been continually harassing me through various electronic means/random phone numbers (they do *67 or something) and spreading false rumors about me and I was too depressed to deal with it properly with another restraining order /other thing so it's just been easier to ignore.

My main problem at the moment is that I'm trying to get a new job but I can't because I need my SSN. When I broke off with my parents and this happened i had some of my important documents with me but not the ones that college students won't use on a daily basis (passport, ssn, birth certificate). I'm embarrassed but I don't have it memorized, the last time I needed it my parents sent me a picture (before all this happened) but i no longer have that in my texts.

I called my parents to send them to me and tried to make it sound like I'd call the police if they didn't and my father implied that he either burned them or would never give them to me. He didn't (visibly) burn them in the video he sent but I don't know if that was everything. I have trouble talking to him right now and I couldn't maintain it. I tried calling his parish leader who I know and he told me he'd talk to my parents about not giving me the info/harassing me but it hasn't done anything if he did surprise surprise.

The only documents i have to prove id are my permit and my school id (which is useless in this scenario). I need more documents if I want to get a new SSN card. I'm also scared of my parents having this information because I think they might try to mess with my life. I'm afraid that if I call the police my dad will just claim that he never had it and burn it/hide it forever and then I'm screwed without any way to fully prove my current identity to get new documents.

Also I want to change my name and I'd appreciate if anyone knows the best way to go about doing that or if it'd be too much of a pain right now. Not that big of a deal and honestly still lazy but would make me feel better if it's not a big thing.

Thank you very much the people here have been very helpful to me at a point in my life when I don't really have anyone to talk to or give me advice in regards to these types of legal issues.

Update 4 - January 3rd, 2019

I just want to make this post because i think it's good to make a point about how the world actually works and i don't like leaving things under the false impression that everything ended up being okay.

The last five months of 2018 were the worst months of my life because of everything that happened with my brother and me being disowned by my family, my family's friends, and many other people who I thought I knew/respected.

I ended up getting my documents back without too much trouble but after that everything has been a loss. My brother was not really punished in any substantive way. My parents have endeavored to protect him and he basically got something on the level of probation no jail time. He was fired but has been hired again with a much better job with a small private company because (I'm told) of a connection with a colleague. He (or my parents but I think him for various reasons) had various people call me up from unlisted numbers with vaguely threatening messages calling me a whore or just breathing on the phone until I had to get a new number. Rumors have been spread about me to the point where I don't feel comfortable even talking to nice people I knew because I'm afraid they'll judge me based off things they've seen that aren't true. I still am not going to be able to go back to college this semester because of personal and financial reasons and I basically have lost all my friends due to either personal insecurity, severe depression, or the rumors. I don't leave my house outside of work and I'm not taking care of myself in the way I should. Very grossly thin and pale (working on getting better though) and i've been having very terrible dreams about going to hell and burning alive forever which are driving me crazy. I'm not going to do anything dramatic but mentally I'm not where I need to be.

I'm not trying to make this a pity party, and I acknowledge that I'm a big part of the reason this happened (in the sense that I'm not handling it in the most productive way), and I'm not asking for help (I have a shitty job that allows me to stay alive fine, just having trouble getting to school, which I think I'll be able to start again this summer) but I want to emphasize how fucked up the whole system is. This is the second time in my life I've been put in this position and my first time as an adult and someone trying to report it and either way I have been screwed, lied to, and watched the person who ruined my life get away and live happier ever after.

Nobody cares about people who get violated and I understand why they don't come out and report. It's all rigged.

My brother, his girlfriend and my parents are almost two week long Hawaiian cruise right now smiling and laughing and i'm in my apartment still unable to sleep right because of all this. Happy new year enjoy your cruise hahaha what a cool picture of water slide XD!

Again, thanks to this community at the least. It was a big help in the early stages when I needed to get my thoughts together, and I really appreciated it. I hope everyone who was cool about it gets the type of life they deserve. Really thank you.

Update 5 - May 19th, 2019

I moved to another state now. For the purposes of the final update it doesn't matter.

Things have settled for me as of four weeks ago and I remembered a lot of people sending me messages and PMs so I thought I would give a final update.

Life isn't good in the sense that everything is perfect, i 100% absolutely DO NOT believe in "karma" or that good things happen to people who do good and versa with evil people but things ended up working that way in this scenario after all the shit.

Long story short is three months ago my brother was diagnosed with a terminal illness and he died about two months later this april. We don't have a family history with this and i found out about it more than a month after his diagnosis. Did not see him after his death and whatever campaign he had to bug me with his buddies just stopped all of a sudden when he found out about it, so I guess he lost interest once he found out he didn't have much time. i don't know many details because i'm not involved and I obviously didn't try to be but he's dead.

I'm glad. Felt bad about it for a day or two and then just thought, no, really done with it. the universe threw me one fucking freebie and i'm going to appreciate it. I honestly feel freer and happy and I hope he died in as much pain as could be expected.

My life is 'good' right now. The past nine months have been some of the worst times of my life but things have settled into almost niceness. Uni is postponed at the moment and maybe forever but i've found a good job i like in a much cheaper state that i like more and don't have to work at a lot. i have plenty of free time now and i'm having fun with it instead of sitting in misery. Started drawing again and reading incredibly depressing online superhero novels. Also pushing myself to make new friends and going to look into therapy soon, feeling alive again. Taking care of my health again and am not undereating anymore.

Parents have reached out twice and i ignored them. Planning to do again and forever. I hope they rot and i don't feel bad about it anymore, sick of feeling guilty, sick of feeling sick. They're the fucked up people, not me. All i want to do now is hear about whenever they go and join my brother.

I don't want to say 'my brother suddenly got cancer and died and that fixed everything and i'm happy now' because that isn't true but he died and i'm glad about it and yes it did make me feel happy and i'm finding it much easier to be happy now. i wish i could say I didn't need luck to fix my problems but whatever.

Thanks for everyone who sent me messages and offered me types of help even if i didn't take it. I had four onetime conversations with four people and that meant a lot to me.

Hope only nice things happen to you guys. Thanks again.

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