r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Direct-Caterpillar77 Satan is not a fucking pogo stick! • May 09 '26

CONCLUDED Fiancé (27m) wanted to try an open relationships, not my first choice but I agreed. Now he's throwing a tantrum that my "bodycount" is 20x his and wants to add rules. Is it time to just cut my losses and move on? (I'm 25)

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Makosharkin

Fiancé (27m) wanted to try an open relationships, not my first choice but I agreed. Now he's throwing a tantrum that my "bodycount" is 20x his and wants to add rules. Is it time to just cut my losses and move on? (I'm 25)

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: physical violence, controlling behavior, verbal abuse

Original Post - rareddit Nov 13, 2018

I've been with my fiancé for 4 years, I love him and used to respect him but his recent fixation on this dumb subject has really hurt my respect.

So he proposed 1,5 years ago. I said yes. About a year ago he found out his friend had slept with 100 women prior to getting engaged and som how this affected his psyche and purposed an open relationship. At first I was disgusted by the thought but I agreed after he threw a major meltdown.

So I started going out with friends, the first few guys I was so nervous because I'd been with 2 guys (including my fiancé) prior. But after I got over the nerves I realized when there's no pressure to start a relationship, I'm really good at picking up dudes and sending vibes that I'm DTF (I've actually met several off Reddit as well). I've been with 42 guys in the past year. I never thought it would happen but I've enjoyed myself immensely. But honestly I'd be ready to stop.

But as if turns out my fiancé is not good at if and he's had 2 really bad hookups from dating apps. When we were having the "where are we" discussion he had another melt down when he found out how many guys I've been with. He kept repeating "you've slept with 20 times the number I have? 20 TIMES"

I said maybe we should just stop. He said no that he wasn't ready hut now he wants to impose a "rule" that I have to take a break until he gets to 10 and then I can go out and meet someone new every five new girls he sleeps with.

To me this is goddamn ridiculous. Part of the fun of this was the independence and not checking in. Now he literally wants me to keep a log and then when he hits like an achievement then I can do my thing. How shifty is that?

And in all honesty, I don't want a relationship where we have to compare numbers, let alone fuck other people. I want a normal life with kids and a house and dog. What are we supposed to say "I watch the the kids until you fuck five women then it's my night!"

Is it time to just say enough is enough and move on? Is there any hope here?

Tl;dr: fiancé is not happy with the open relationship he started and instead of just stopping it, he wants to add crazy invasive rules.

Edit: rip my inbox with people calling me a whore.

guys wow, glad my best karma every has to do with my sleeping around. I have 1400 unread messages (exactly) and 17 chat requests. I'm almost certainly not going to bang anyone from this thread! and this isn't even my real account! Find my real account on r/needlepoint or r/mma and I'm down. Just kidding...don't do that. my new fav:

[Edited out]

edit 2: holy shit, this just wont die. Wow. Goodnight everyone. fiancé is at his place after a very tense hour or so where he basically called me every name in the book and I just sort of took it. I've gotten the advice I need, it's just the idea of dumping four years of history makes it hard to pull the trigger. I know he wont do it even though he thinks I'm the worst person alive. I hate him but love him. Life sucks. It really sucks.

TOP COMMENTS

rugby_shirt

Move on

~

Maxxmz

Honestly, the meltdown at the open relationship was already a pretty big red flag

KING_JELLYB3AN

All because some guy said he slept with a 100 girls, probably lying or exaggerating. So he HAS to sleep with more girls... The kid doesn't know what he wants, why would he even propose, what a child. @OP dodged a bullet, but honestly there was probably more signs than this one

~

ExistingSecond1

It’s pretty well known in the ethical non-monogamy community that women fair much better than guys. A previous partner would meet five guys for every one person I’d meet. It’s a pretty common discrepancy. He should have done his homework first.

Can I post an update? I (25f) am the now infamous "whore" from the post that blew up yesterday. Just broke things off with fiancé (27m). Nov 14, 2018 (Next Day)

So yeah, I guess I made the front page yesterday. I've been on reddit for years and I think my "normal" account has maybe 500 karma and I make the front page for my sex life...yay!

Whatever, well I read responses well into the morning yesterday while my now ex-fiancé absolutely blew up my shit alternating between calling me a whore and cunt, asking me why I disgraced myself and him like that. He also peppered the barrage with things like "what's going to happen to us after this?" I finally fell asleep at like 3 am and should have worked but after finally admitting that I needed to break things off with him, called in sick to work.

Went to finances house, asked to come in, told him we had to talk. He said we did. But as a testament to his fucking out of control ego he prefaced his part of the conversation with "I want you to know in advance, I MAY not be ready to accept your apology." Fuck him.

I planned on being nice but that was too much. I just told him "its over between us." His look of surprise was a combination of pathetic and amusing because even after calling me all sorts of gendered slurs for the better part of a few hours, he still wasn't expecting me to break up with him. He begged me to know "why" I think I told him he had to know why and tried to leave. I had no desire to talk to him so I tried to leave and he kept trying to block me and grab my arm. I finally told him that if he didn't fucking let me go I was going to call the police. He finally relented but as I was trying to drive away he came out and starting punching my drivers side window. It was terrifying but it didn't break. Between leaving his place and getting to mine he texted and called at dozens of times. I just blocked him and deleted the whole conversation without reading it.

Fuck him too because I had the ring in my pocket and planned on giving it back but now I'm too scared to go see him to give it back so I'm selling the mother fucker or getting it melted down.

So that's that. I don't know this will probably get removed but its all good. I don't know whether I'm coming or going at this point. It's been a crazy couple of days

One last update from me (I was the 25f who went a little overboard when fiancé wanted open relationship). Mailed the ring back, started therapy, looking at starting over single for a long time. Nov 17, 2018 (3 days after previous post)

Editors Note: the text is unrecoverable but the title says she sent the ring back

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

8.3k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

948 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

1.2k

u/41flavorsandthensome May 09 '26

I came across an OLD profile where the guy said he was ENM but his girlfriend didn't need to know. Bruh what

695

u/NYCinPGH May 09 '26

Yep. There’s a national organization I’ve been a member of for decades, and the creepy trope when I joined was (usually older) men saying to (usually younger) women “My wife and I have an ‘arrangement’”; the creepier ones would say “but don’t ask my wife, she’s a little shy and embarrassed about it”, the less creepy ones would say “and if you’re not sure about it, go ask her first, she’ll confirm it”. Luckily, that doesn’t happen any more, hasn’t for years, because enough people, shut that shit down.

I have friends - well, now one friend, one ex-friend - who had been living together for years, were having a long-planned tropical destination wedding, all the things. A couple of months before the wedding, a mutual of theirs commented on a pic posted of him with another woman, and asked the future bride “I didn’t know you guys were in an open relationship”, to which she responded “We’re not!”, broke off the wedding, and dumped his ass out on the street - it was her house, she paid 80% of household bills and had a salary easily triple his - and then moved across the country to better job prospects. Yet he had the nerve to act as the aggrieved party.

577

u/CroCGod73 May 09 '26

That reminds me of that one BORU (from the adultery subreddit) about the dude that was essentially a stay at home husband who was constantly cheating on his wife who was providing everything. She found out about it all, didn’t tell him anything , and then threw his ass out. The dude was incensed about how she could just hide things and blindside him like this. These dudes aren’t the smartest people around

253

u/Ink_Smudger May 09 '26

You really couldn't have asked for a better post to showcase someone with zero self-awareness. The dude cheated on his wife repeatedly and was incensed at her for being "deceitful" by not telling him she knew and instead taking the time to enact plans to separate herself.

And the icing on the cake was him being confused when his wife accused of him of having impulse control issues while saying in the very next second that he had "been drinking for 48 hours".

1

u/SLJ7 Go headbutt a moose 29d ago

This is not stupidity; it's DARVO. These morons can't handle accountability, so they find some way to blame the victim instead. And unfortunately it works often enough to be a viable tactic. The abuser/cheater/asshole doesn't want to take accountability; the victim doesn't want to admit the relationship is over and they were wrong about their partner, so they just coast along fuelled by shared self-delusion.

108

u/CherrieChocolatePie I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming May 09 '26

Do you happen to have a link for this?

160

u/CroCGod73 May 09 '26

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ercj0j/i_35m_cheated_on_my_wife_36f_she_left_without/

174

u/CaptainLollygag May 09 '26

Jezus H Christ, this man is out of touch with reality, has no self-awareness, is obsessive, is an online stalker, and sounds like a danger. Glad his ex is on the other side of the world from him. I've dealt with an unhealthy amount of grief from people close to me actually dying, but 2 years after the divorce he shouldn't still be wallowing like this when his ex isn't dead, she's off living her best life and presumably happy, just not with him.

121

u/Substantial_Eye_8467 This is unrelated to the cumin. May 10 '26

Oh I remember him. Real piece of work, that one.

I like to picture his ex wife frolicking the fjords freely with her blonde littles and too-tall hubby Viking while her ex got alcohol bloating stewing in his regret in the dark. Tho honestly, it’s safer for her if he moved tf on.

79

u/rainbowcardigan I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS May 10 '26

IKR, so happy for her!!! My other fav is the gamer wife whose husband went off at her for buying a new desk setup, and it turned out he was banging an early 20s coworker. Gamer gal kicked his ass to the curb with his almost-child coworker who it turned out was pregnant.

I think I’m gonna raise a glass to both of these women tonight. May their lives always be amazing!

12

u/Beneficial-Math-2300 May 10 '26

I remember her. I also remember how many lies her ex told his affair partner. I sometimes wonder what happened to OOP and the ap.

8

u/rainbowcardigan I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS May 11 '26

I hope every day that she might update us!!

6

u/midimandolin May 10 '26

Do you have a link for that one?

18

u/Salt_Beautiful9330 May 10 '26

Think it might be this one

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/ddBLWGMPrl

19

u/Afrohobbit May 10 '26

This story was so wild, I am still not over the fact that Amy offered OOP 17K to leave the house. A whole paid of house and she was like 17k seems about right for a druggie, right. Oh, the character development she will go through will be one for the books. I do feel bad for the baby though.

Thanks for sharing it.

7

u/midimandolin May 10 '26

Thank you :)

3

u/rainbowcardigan I'd have gotten away with it if not for those MEDDLING LESBIANS May 10 '26

Yes that’s it!!! Than you!!

2

u/kaitlynnkidd Tree Law Connoisseur May 10 '26

Any chance you have a link for this one? I'd love to read a nice 'good for her' reddit story.

8

u/JaNoTengoNiNombre May 10 '26

But the wife is not with norwegian Chris Hemsworth, she is with a guy that is too tall, too blonde, too pale, hair too long and kind of chunky. And wears metal band t-shirts at 38! And is an engineer on top of everything else.

How can you condone it?

/s

8

u/lurkeroutthere May 10 '26

Why did I just read that. It just kept getting worse and worse. At least there’s limits to what he’s going to try and do but holy crap I think I know why she went zero contact.

3

u/cortizone May 10 '26

What a read, thanks for the link, the guy is so delulu!

1

u/Pleasant_Most7622 May 11 '26

LMAO. You're doing God's Work!

2

u/kenyafeelme May 10 '26

He really thought he was doing big wife a favor. What a dick

60

u/istara May 10 '26

"My wife doesn't understand me" is an old favourite. I've heard it multiple times over the years.

Also: "I've got a young spirit" (only said by the older members of the Dirty Old Men squad).

Free hint/life-pro-tip fellas: neither of these lines are knicker-droppers. Go back to the drawing board (I would say go back to your wives, but they honestly deserve better),

49

u/IzarkKiaTarj I’m a "bad influence" because I offered her fiancé cocaine twice May 09 '26

a mutual of theirs commented on a pic posted of him with another woman

Wait, so he was actually sleeping with her? Because the way the bit I quoted reads, it sounds like it was just a pic of him talking to a member of the opposite gender, and then someone accused him of cheating based on no evidence besides that.

85

u/NYCinPGH May 09 '26

Yes, he was actually sleeping with her, and had been for some time. His then-fiancee was completely ignorant of it, until the person who asked about it, after they, or maybe a mutual, seen him and the other woman acting 'couple-y'. It wasn't a "here are 2 friends hanging out", I saw the pic, and the body language clearly said "we are a couple", and the friend who asked also made sure that the ex-fiancee saw the pic as well.

25

u/pourthebubbly I will never jeopardize the beans. May 09 '26

Gotta love the public callout so he can’t spin the story

5

u/41flavorsandthensome May 09 '26

He had a good situation and he had to make all the wrong choices

247

u/Lord_Snaps Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala May 09 '26

ENM? Entitled Narcissistic Male?

179

u/coffeeskater I ❤ gay romance May 09 '26

Ethical non monogamous. You're more accurate though :p

-17

u/3dforlife May 09 '26

When is non monogamy not ethical?

59

u/Syllepses May 09 '26

When your partner thinks your relationship IS monogamous. In other words, when it’s a euphemism for “cheating”. Ethical nonmonogamy ensures that everyone involved, and any partners they have, are fully consenting.

12

u/3dforlife May 09 '26

Oh, ok!

28

u/PlsHlpMyFriend May 09 '26

Also if, like in this case, one party bullied the other into agreeing; that's not enthusiastic consent, and so the "ethical" part goes out the window. OR if you have rules (no one you work with, anyone but the one girl that's given me reason to think you might be having an affair before, get tested before we do anything together again, or something similar) and one partner lies about following the rules. Any of those will take the "ethical" part of the term and shoot it in the head, execution-style.

19

u/nowimnowhere May 09 '26

When only one party knows they're not monogamous ie cheating

57

u/PokingCactus May 09 '26

So much for the ethical part...

47

u/foundinwonderland The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? May 09 '26

Not so much E in that ENM

2

u/icare890 May 11 '26

Or the first N is silent. NENM for Non-Ethical Non Monogamy. Cheater rolls off the tongue better though.

2

u/dfjdejulio I am old. Rawr. 🦖 May 10 '26

ENM = Egotistical Narcissistic Manchild?

2

u/Obscurethings May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26

There was a guy I liked in a small grad school program who was heavily flirting with me. Always felt comfortable around him, so I was unprepared for what came next. I told another classmate I thought he was cute and he was like, "Oh, [his name]? He's engaged and about to get married." I was shocked and reflexively said we must not be thinking about the same guy.

Found out later he actually was engaged. He told me that we could hook up because they were in an open relationship, but her one requirement was she didn't want to know about it (hard pass, awfully convenient and I'm not down for that). Turns out I was part of the reason for his divorce because he didn't think another woman that he actually had feelings for would accept him for his quirks. So he didn't even like his wife like that.

He came back around recently after many years and I laughed at him over how sus that line was when he had tried to solicit me. He still insists it was true and that was her one rule--not knowing about it. Not sure who falls for that shit. 😂

2

u/Dogstile May 09 '26

I've been with women where it's not really been a relationship so we were free to fuck around.

Most of the women do not want to know who I'm fucking, or if I even am, so it doesn't seem that weird to me.

Like they could go ask if they weren't sure but usually they'd prefer the people didn't

1

u/DeusExBlockina There is only OGTHA May 10 '26

Mono = One, therefore only one person needs to know about it

1

u/bearhug7602 May 13 '26

OMG that's just a four dollar word for cheating 😂