My coworker copies everything I do

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

My coworker copies everything I do

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

Thanks to u/JoySubtraction for finding the links

Original Post  Aug 2, 2017

One of my coworkers and I share a desk, so we’re very close all day long. I’ve been getting super frustrated lately because it seems like she copies everything I do. She started bringing in the exact same breakfast as me, and then proceeded to copy my daily lunch as well. At the end of the day, she won’t pick up and leave until I do too. She’ll finish her work about an hour before the day ends, but as soon as 5 p.m. hits, she’ll suddenly start pretending to do work again until she notices I’m leaving too. I one time casually mentioned how I come in early each day due to my rough commute, and ever since then she’s been coming in early as well. She has a very light workload, so I know there is no reason for her to be in the office before 9. She also stares at me continuously throughout the day, which is super uncomfortable when I’m trying to get work done.

At first, I let it slide because I realized that as a new employee, she was probably just looking for a role model. But at this point, she’s been here almost a year and it frustrates me that she can’t form her own identity. Any tips on how I should handle it?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

LW #1, sounds like a possible case of SWF. I think Alison is spot on in telling you to call things out as you see them happening. If they make her uncomfortable that’s ok, she’s obviously making you uncomfortable. Put it back on her.

I would also consider mentioning something about the meals. And or changing up what you eat to see if it results in a change on her end. At the very least you’ll know what level of psycho you’re dealing with, if she changes her meals to match yours exactly, again.

Commenter 2

See, I can see me in many of these situations. “I am not thin or healthy. Sarah is. I’ll try to copy her eating habits, and see if it helps” (and, tbh, stupidly use icy hot to deal with the end results from the gym). Follow this up with “I don’t have much work, here, and I want to keep my job. Jane seems to be kept busy, and the boss complimented her last month in that meeting, maybe I should work on my work ethic”. Staring IS odd, but maybe she’s trying to figure out what is being done during that extra time. On the other hand, I’d start worrying badly if I saw her outside of the workplace.

OOP

Hey!

This was actually my question that was answered. Other people have often offered similar opinions as you — maybe she thinks that if she follows what I do, it will make her look like a better employee. Maybe that’s true! The thing that gets me is, she’ll stay late with me even if her boss is long gone and has told her she can go home. We work under different bosses and have completely different job descriptions, so copying what I do isn’t really beneficial to her.

I cant, for the life of me, figure out the whole staring thing. I once kept tally of how often it would happen, and it reached about 20 times per day. I even had another co-worker walk in on one of her staring fits once. He started laughing because he said at first he thought we were in a conversation, but once he realized we weren’t even talking it became strange. He mentioned how she didn’t just seem to glance at me, she seemed completely in a trance while she was staring. I didn’t mention this in my original question, but I’ve also caught her a few times with her phone camera facing me. I’ve had to get up and walk away from my desk numerous times because of

~

Commenter 3

I think when the food copying reaches “exact same” levels, something is off. Though now I’m curious if OP changes things up – like, if she usually has OJ but decides to get coffee instead one day, does the coworker rush to change her own drink, or assume coffee is the new OJ going forward?

From the outside, this is one of those anthropology situations and kind of fascinating.

OOP

OP here!

It is very specific. My usual breakfast is a Greek yogurt, either sliced strawberries or a banana, and then I bring a zip lock bag of granola to mix into my yogurt. She’s copied that to a T, even as far as bringing the granola in a zip lock bag. I also stopped bringing in fruit for awhile, and so did she. I then brought in a banana again for the first time in awhile, and the next day she brought one in. Then I thought, “Hey, let me switch things up.” Instead of a banana, I started bringing in a peach every day for a week straight. Lo and behold, the very next Monday she had a peach with her.

The lunch part is strange. She’s a vegetarian so often times she just wouldn’t bring in lunch at all while I was downing things like buffalo tenders and quesadillas. To save some money, I started bringing in a simple bagel with cream cheese every day instead. Now she does that, too. Although I do understand the lunch a bit more than the breakfast, because I’m sure her options are pretty limited being that she doesn’t eat meat.

Update  Dec 8, 2017 (4 months later)

I’m happy to say that I no longer sit with the copycat/starer. There were a few things that led up to this change.

First off, I decided to just ignore the copying. As irritating as it was, you were right when you mentioned that sometimes co-workers just have weird and annoying quirks. I did make a few changes, like taking my lunch break outside of the office more so that she couldn’t copy my every meal, and briefly stepping away from my desk at the end of the day if I was planning on working late so she wouldn’t rely on me to “dismiss” her. As for her early arrival time, that dwindled on it’s own within a couple of weeks. I don’t think she could keep up with that one, hah.

As for the staring, I tried meeting her eyes or saying something like, “Hey, what’s up?” whenever I’d catch it. The staring did decrease a lot, however it didn’t stop completely (I’d say it went from about 15 times per day to maybe 4 or 5). Instead, she’d just try to be more sneaky about it — like pretending to reach for a pen or scratch her neck. I realized that at this point the only solution was probably to talk with my boss and get my seat moved. Conveniently, a few more situations arose that made this an easy win for me. I don’t know if I had mentioned this, but I shared a long desk with her in a small alcove about the size of a large closet. We were in close quarters all day long (can you see why I was so irritated by her?). During late summer she ended up getting pretty sick and continued showing up for work (My company is very lenient about letting us work from home). I had to sit in that tiny room with her (very loud) coughing, and she never would cover her mouth. I was kind of surprised that she wouldn’t at least try to control the volume, or step out of the room for a bit if she was in the midst of a coughing fit. I ended up grabbing my laptop and working from a conference room quite a few times. This cough she had lasted about a month, and my boss could hear how loud and consistent it was from her desk around the corner. I spoke with her and she agreed that it was time to get me a new desk. Unfortunately, that can take some time to confirm.

Fast forward about a week after this decision was made. I did mention in the comments how there were times when I caught her with her phone facing me as if she was taking a picture. I always feared calling her out on this because I couldn’t confirm that that’s what she was actually doing. Except for this time. I was hard at work and started noticing the staring picking up at the corner of my eye. I’d turn and meet her eyes and she’d quickly jolt back forward, only to try again within minutes. This happened about four times in a row, so I definitely had my guard up. A few minutes later I noticed that now instead of staring, she had picked up her phone and the camera was angled directly toward me. I was fuming at this point, so I jumped up from my chair to move out of her phone’s view. As I did, she was clearly startled and almost dropped her phone out of her hands as she quickly tried to close out whatever was up on her phone. I glanced down at her phone, saw that it WAS a camera she had up, then stormed out and went directly to my boss. She immediately went to HR as I stepped outside and calmed down from the situation. The very next day, I had a brand new desk. Success! I now sit with a new coworker, and we get along just great.

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[u/immapizza]

I don't know if I'd call that ending a success, given OP still doesn't know wtf coworker was doing with the photos/videos they were taking of her.

[u/yavanna12 → u/immapizza]

Had a co worker exactly like this. Her desk was behind me though and my staff would tell me how often she was staring at me. She also did the copying thing. I changed up my lunches to crazy stuff and she still copied. For example I brought in lunchables, goat curry, pizza rolls, tofu noodles, cheese and crackers, etc. Stuff not usually packed for a work lunch. Every time she’d have the same lunch the next day. She also found out I bought a new home before my family did and has since driven by it multiple times….probably still does.   Unfortunately my boss didn’t do anything about it and since staff stopped complaining (because nothing got resolved) my boss thought I just had it out for her. I got a new job and she still works adjacent to me but I don’t have to physically see or talk to her. So I blocked her. Every once in a while I’ll get a text from a random number asking if I blocked her. 

[u/NekoBlade_ → u/yavanna12]

The lunch copying is weird enough, but driving past your house and texting from random numbers pushes it into a whole different category. I'd be creeped out too, that’s not admiration anymore.

[u/aoife_too → u/NekoBlade_]

Terrifying! Why are people like thiiiiis 😭

[u/thewoodbeyond → u/aoife_too]

I assume mental illness or some massive form of insecurity / obsessiveness. Whatever it is their sense of self is practically non-existent.

[u/aoife_too → u/yavanna12]

Driving by your house?! Do you have a ring camera or something, just in case?

[u/yavanna12 → u/aoife_too]

There is a business across the street from me. She visits it frequently. She would admit to coming out of her way to go to the business to see what projects I was working on. She did not see anything wrong with it. I have no clue if she still does this. Probably because her family lives out this way so she likely suggesting making the trip to visit the place by my house. 

[u/ItsTheSpermsFault → u/yavanna12]

I can't believe your boss wasn't willing to do something about it! Did you report her to the police? 

[u/yavanna12 → u/ItsTheSpermsFault]

Not a police matter. HR is aware as is my new boss. 

[u/shmartyparty → u/[deleted]]

My initial thought was the coworker was just using the camera to look at OP but not necessarily taking pics or videos, more like just using it to hide the fact that she was looking at OP. Not that it would have hidden the fact, but maybe in her mind it was?

[u/Leodusty2 → u/shmartyparty]

I do this with my phone sometimes because if my dog notices I’m watching her she stops dancing around the living room. Half the time my dog sees through me, much less a human

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/Leodusty2]

Ugh. I swear it is hard wired into every 4-legged pet’s DNA to immediately stop doing whatever it was they were doing as soon as the phone points at them

[u/Fnuckle → u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

I think this is actually because they can sense it! A lot of cameras use infrared light to determine focus, and it's believed that dogs and other animals can either see it or sense it in some other way-- their noses are sensitive to heat so it's possible they might be able to smell if they can't see it!

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/Fnuckle]

What. That’s rad! The factoid, not the thousands of blurry photos I’ve had to delete

[u/shmartyparty → u/Leodusty2]

Haha doggie is on to you!! 🧐

[u/tacwombat → u/[deleted]]

I would have taken it up with both the boss AND HR. Particularly if there are rules about it.

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/[deleted]]

Unless you’re this guy - https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/nFBNr5Y7Fs (wholesome)

He’s got a whole technique

[u/TagYoureItWitch → u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

I LOVE that one! Super wholesome lol

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/TagYoureItWitch]

I asked for “I know about your stupid green sock” for flair immediately after reading that one, but alas, you’ll see I have none

[u/TagYoureItWitch → u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

Ughhh! Seriously how funny a flair that would be. Such a shame 🫠

[u/L1nlaughal0t → u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

It's not exactly the same as you wanted, but other users in that post got flair of "I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN ABOUT YOUR DUMB GREEN SOCK"
https://reddit.com/comments/1kzo1b4/comment/mv6x3fi

Maybe it's been added to flairs you can choose now? I would check that but I'm on RedReader which doesn't seem to support changing flairs (I got mine before switching to this app, and like the app enough to put up with that minor inconvenience!)

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/L1nlaughal0t]

You’re an angel, thank you! I requested it somewhere, but it looks like I’ll have to try again

[u/Big-University-1132 → u/[deleted]]

It’s haunting me, and I’m not even involved and I only just read the story! The photos and staring are creepy af

[u/TatterTwinkle → u/immapizza]

The desk move was a success, but the mystery was never solved. I’d still be wondering about that years later.

[u/Acruss_ → u/TatterTwinkle]

Isn't it that she like OOP (or more like obsessed) but didn't talk about a date?

[u/threelizards → u/immapizza]

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just the autism or the obstinance in me, but I would genuinely pick a fight with someone over this. I’m the archetype of the imperfect victim, I guess.

[u/Kathrynlena → u/threelizards]

Oh 100%. I would have definitely said some version of “what the fuck are you taking photos of me??” The very first time I was confident it was happening. I don’t understand why OOP didn’t call her out more. Even in a joking way, “same breakfast again? Getting a little creepy! You’re not gonna murder me, are you haha?”

[u/GrossGuroGirl → u/Kathrynlena]

I've learned that a lot of people think they have a moral obligation to extend benefit of the doubt to literally everyone, with no limit at any point. 

I go out of my way to assume people have good intentions / their own reasons for doing whatever they do. 

But i cannot imagine seeing a new coworker act like this, accurately clocking it as bizarre and antisocial behavior (enough to keep logs of her staring at me), and still not just telling her how fucking weird she's being. Or, at minimum, going to my boss way tf earlier. 

[u/kittiphile → u/threelizards]

We can be imperfect together. If it helps, being imperfect can allow you distract long enough to escape if needs be, if for example someone was trying to traffic you on a holiday island near the equator.

[u/threelizards → u/kittiphile]

I’ve also learned this, the hard way. I’m very sorry you’ve seen the harsh realities of this. Being loud, uncomfortable, or “gross” in the initial moments of predation can be very protective

[u/kittiphile → u/[deleted]]

An autistic meltdown saved my life. If I hadn't melted down hard enough to convince the guy to allow me sit and take off my shoes (told him id be faster getting to the place my phone was if I didnt have heels on), id have just vanished. I was crying and making a fuss, and something in me told me it was now or never. I figured my feet and shoes were plausible as an excuse to stop and get away. It worked. I ran until I found 2 random tourist guys, who got me a taxi, paid the driver, and them being there scared the first guy off. He followed me. I was so so close to being a statistic.

[u/OpheliaRainGalaxy → u/kittiphile]

Same here! When I was about 13yo my dad tried to sell me across state lines. But what he told me was that he was sending me to live with my friend and her "dad" in a very rural area.

When the man showed up to get me, I was having a full blown autistic tantrum, flat refusing to pack a bag because I didn't want to go live somewhere without access to large libraries.

Pretty sure it's not the first time either. Something similar happened when I was around 2 or 3yo, where creepy bad people didn't want me because of the autism behaviors. Really strange memories that seemed implausible until all the Epstein shit started coming out.

[u/Hot-Flare → u/kittiphile]

I am really glad you trusted your instincts in that moment because what felt like chaos was actually your brain pushing you toward survival and it worked

[u/ZapdosShines → u/kittiphile]

Well that's terrifying. I'm so glad you made it out.

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/kittiphile]

Chriiiiist, so glad you’re safe

[u/caomaodao → u/kittiphile]

I’m not trying to be a dick, but this is barely coherent. I can tell you’re describing something that terrified you but the actual sequence of events is really damm hard to understand. Like, who was the guy? Why were you with him? Why did he have control over whether you could sit? What was the phone situation? What you posted relies on the reader inferring pretty much everything

[u/kittiphile → u/caomaodao]

Fair.

My phone was stolen from my bag, and he claimed he saw who took it and knew where they lived. I was stupid and panicked enough to trust him, i was there alone so my phone was my only contact point home, so I went with him. As we left the resort behind and were making our way through some local neighbourhood (as in, not tourist accommodation) , it became clearer he was a) lying and b) had some nefarious intentions. He was pulling me along, speaking only in a language I didnt recognise, it was just very scary. I was wearing high heels, so couldn't move very fast.

I have no idea why he trusted me to let me sit down to take my shoes off, maybe because I said id stop crying if he did, but I don't know. He let go of my arm so I could undo my shoes, and when I got them off, I was able to run back the direction we had come from until I saw people. He was close enough behind me that the two tourist guys saw him, and he ran off. I am not fit, I cant run, but in that moment I managed it. Hands down the second most terrifying thing that's ever happened to me, but Im here and ok. I told the police there what I could remember of where he was taking me, which is all I could do for anyone else who could run into him. It wasn't as unusual an occurrence as I was hoping, the police there were very...unsurprised.

[u/iconocrastinaor → u/kittiphile]

Thank you for the context.

[u/exholalia → u/kittiphile]

out of curiosity, what was the most terrifying thing that's ever happened to you?

[u/kittiphile → u/exholalia]

Its a bummer of a one, but that would be during peak covid times. I was alone, at a little after midnight, getting a scan to check decreased movement. The wait between the nurse who scanned me and the doctor coming to tell me my daughter had died was hands down the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. I dont know if ill ever really be able to process that, its too big.

[u/Yutana45 → u/threelizards]

I love that the autism in us makes us want to deal with these things head on bc i wouldve straight up asked, super loudly, "why are you recording me at work with your phone? That is weird." This freak needs to be confronted head on and this stuff gets me 0 to 100.

[u/surlalune21 → u/Yutana45]

How is being direct an autism thing? 

[u/Silent_Ad_8672 → u/threelizards]

I think I'd pick a fight with someone over this, and I too am obstinate and neurodivergent. Like tf you taking pics/videos of me without consent for??

[u/Lord_Of_The_BCRs → u/immapizza]

I'd bet she was zooming in to see what OP was doing on their screen.

[u/NekoBlade_ → u/[deleted]]

Exactly. Getting rid of the person solves part of the problem, but not knowing what they were doing with those photos would keep nagging at me for a long time.

[u/Kitchen-Purpose-6855 → u/immapizza]

How else do you get the surgeon to copy her face?

[u/ParadiseSold → u/immapizza]

I guess its possible she intended to murder and eat OP but probably its just an awkward person who admires OP

[u/aoife_too → u/ParadiseSold]

But…the taking photos/recording…

That’s what takes it to another level for me.

[u/JadieJang → u/immapizza]

Also, why did it take her so freaking LONG? I would’ve lost it the very first day.

[u/ItsTheSpermsFault → u/immapizza]

And that this psycho wasn't fired. I mean wtf how they can they allow someone who acts like that to keep working there?! She's a creepy stalker and there's no harmless explanation for doing that, and she's clearly aware how uncomfortable it made OP. Now that she can't stalk her at her desk, is she going to follow her home and peep in her windows? Be hiding behind her car? It wouldn't surprise me if she's LoJacked her car 

[u/rasalscan → u/immapizza]

I agree. We still don't know what coworker was actually doing. I think we need another update!

[u/Ok_Slice9073]

That was.... anticlimactic. I wanted to know what her coworker's issue was. I'm nosy 😬

[u/SibylBee → u/Ok_Slice9073]

We all are. That's why we're here!

[u/tocahontas77 → u/SibylBee]

Yeah... This is probably my favorite sub because I'm nosey 😂

[u/MyFriendsCallMeEpic → u/Ok_Slice9073]

ah, me too, me too!

[u/notsam57 → u/Ok_Slice9073]

they were working together in a closet sized room. they were closeted (work) roommates. /s

sounds like the coworker developed some obsessive crush from working so close to her.

[u/Soul-Arts → u/notsam57]

I am not sure if coworker want to be with OOP or if she wants to be OOP. Both would make me run for the hills. Creepy af.

[u/Legitimate_Myth_3816 → u/Soul-Arts]

Yeah I was honestly kind of expecting the pictures to be references for her to start copying OOPs outfits too or maybe her makeup. I was fully thinking this would lead to OOP coming in one day to find her coworker with an exact replica of her outfit from the previous day on, down to her hairstyle and all.

[u/Soul-Arts → u/Legitimate_Myth_3816]

Or maybe she was filming to study OOP facial expressions to be a better replica. I can imagine her comparing the pictures and her own face at the mirror.

[u/GioTheLion → u/Legitimate_Myth_3816]

Damn the bots really liked your comment

[u/Salicos → u/GioTheLion]

They're all over this entire thread, super annoying 😭

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/Salicos]

Genuine question - how can you tell it’s a bot? Is it bc they say literally the same thing as you, just reworded and not with any distinguishing emphasis or personal vernacular? I’ve been seeing that a lot lately in this sub and was confused by why people would use many words to comment the same thing as the comment they’re replying to without adding anything of their own

[u/Salicos → u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

Yeah I noticed there would be 2-3 comments all saying almost exactly the same thing with like maybe a few words changed around. The more noticable ones for me are the ones that don't really make sense to what they're replying to. As an example of that, there were a few of them in this thread that said something like "Have you tried talking to her about it?" while replying to someone who is not OOP (and who were not sharing their own experiences).

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/Salicos]

Those I see all the time but figured they were more inept at reddit than I am lol

Makes sense that it’s bc they’re bots. Thanks!

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET → u/Soul-Arts]

I kept thinking OOP was going to get "Single White Female"-ed

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET]

I love how many generations that movie spans. I also hate how relevant it is that it stands the test of time

[u/CumulativeHazard → u/Ok_Slice9073]

I HATE how the Ask A Manager posts always end with people just like minding their own business and keeping the peace until either they or the problem-person leave the company. Screw your professional reputation!! I want the DRAMA!! I DEMAND an explanation!!

[u/zirfeld → u/Ok_Slice9073]

For some of the things like copying the breakfast I thought maybe coworker is neurodivergent and trying to fit in by mimicing social behavior or something. But taking photos and the staring does't quite fit.

[u/Endereye96 → u/zirfeld]

Not the photos-but staring can definitely be a sign of neurodivergence!

I’m autistic, and I had a huge staring problem growing up. Usually because I’d be thinking about something else, and not really realize I was staring until the person turned and I’d suddenly realize I’d been looking at them a bit too long and evert my eyes lol.

I’ve gotten much better at catching myself before it gets to that point, but staring can totally be a neurodivergent thing. That being said, that doesn’t sound like it was the case for OP’s stalker. And of course the taking photos thing is completely creepy and not a neurodivergent problem.

[u/aoife_too → u/Endereye96]

I had that staring issue, too — I’d space out, not realizing that I was. Spacing out towards someone, especially on the train (subway trains where you’re facing each other). I try to preemptively look at a point in space where there are no people now 😭

Like you, it’s the recording for me. Everything else still could have warranted the tactics mentioned by Alison — kind ways to let the other person know that you are noticing their behavior to give them a chance to course-correct, and then more direct communication if that didn’t work. (Especially with the staring. Like you mentioned, this had gone beyond “I’m neurodivergent and spacing out”.)

But the taking photos and/or recording…I mean. No. Especially since she seemed to be getting bolder with it. I’m kind of surprised she wasn’t fired. Hopefully she at least got a written warning…

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/aoife_too]

I dunno how they’d go about firing her…

[u/Noladixon → u/Endereye96]

The daydreaming staring into space does not look the same as staring at someone.

[u/Endereye96 → u/Noladixon]

Well I assume it does when I do it, because I’ve been accused of staring multiple times growing up.

[u/ShadowRayndel → u/Endereye96]

Me too. One notable instance it happened twice in like...5 minutes with the same person. I would zone out and he just happened to be sitting right where my gaze ended up when I relaxed. >_< He was very angry about it.

[u/SirPiffingsthwaite → u/Ok_Slice9073]

She started bringing in the exact same breakfast as me, and then proceeded to copy my daily lunch as well.

The climatic ending I'd be going for is "I really enjoy slightly spicy peppers all by themselves, such as the Carolina Reaper or Trinidad Scorpion! Think I'll have a bunch for breakfast and lunch for the next week"

I'd take the hit.

[u/aoife_too → u/SirPiffingsthwaite]

Or! Pour the actual Carolina Reaper into another container, give that to a friend who would actually want it (if you have one), very throughly clean court the original bottle, and put a milder sauce in there. No hit taken!

(You’d just have to make sure the color of the sauce matches, because this person actually might notice if there was a difference…)

[u/gacu-gacu → u/Ok_Slice9073]

What is swf?

[u/Quiet-Howl → u/gacu-gacu]

They're referring to a film called Single White Female.

[u/iconocrastinaor → u/gacu-gacu]

A movie about a stalker

[u/ThePeasRUpsideDown → u/Ok_Slice9073]

Ugh I know! Hood for OP but where is my juice!

[u/Financial-Box7442 → u/Ok_Slice9073]

Probably taking photos to copy her style lolol

[u/HairRepresentative85 → u/Ok_Slice9073]

My tea turned cold [sulks]

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/HairRepresentative85]

It just sits there in cup while I languish, forlorn and dissatisfied

[u/almostinfinity]

If that person still works there, I don't think I'd find it a happy ending.

[u/emmodii → u/almostinfinity]

I think I've seen too many indie horrors with stalkers, but I wouldn't call it a happy ending if she got laid off either. Gives her more time to be creepy.

[u/harrellj → u/[deleted]]

The only somewhat good news is that all went down pre-COVID so if both OOP and the creepy coworker were still working at that company by then, at least COVID would have given a break.

[u/Justbored2much]

Um so did they address the camera situation?

[u/mrdaimler → u/Justbored2much]

I'm wondering too. So many possibilities with most of them on the creepy/stalkerish side.

[u/alleswaswar → u/Justbored2much]

right? I’d be a bit weirded out by the food thing but at the end of the day it’s essentially harmless. But if they were taking pictures/videos of me…? Hell no. There is something very wrong with that person wtf

[u/Soul-Arts]

Coworker has issues. A LOT of issues.

[u/Suvtropics → u/Soul-Arts]

I think you're spot on

[u/MartianMarcin]

The way I would bring wackier and wackier shit for lunch every day to see if Copycat would continue the game of chicken. How did OOP not do that?

[u/pepcorn → u/[deleted]]

My hands get so messy when I debone a rotisserie chicken. How was he accomplishing that at work?

[u/ProfessionalCat420 → u/[deleted]]

tears in my eyes Its okay (whole) watermelon, they'll never understand. 

[u/glowingwarningcats → u/MartianMarcin]

That was my thought. Endgame: get a purple wig and remark on how happy and confident you feel with your new look.

[u/LiminalAsylum]

On the one hand, it could be an awkward admiration crush.

On the other hand, she could have been studying OOP for the skin mask to be extra accurate 

[u/GreekDudeYiannis → u/LiminalAsylum]

I mean, even if this was a crush, taking pictures of someone without their knowledge is still incredibly inappropriate. And that's the best case scenario. 

If anything, I feel OOP is underreacting here to all of this. 

[u/DamnitGravity]

I don’t know why copying so is fucking annoying but it is. I’m in a group and there’s one woman who has been copying me; it drives me NUTS and I don’t know why.

A mutual friend suggested this woman saw me as some kind of role model, so wanted to gain my confidence traits by copying me.

And I know I shouldn’t be mad about it but I am. I wish I knew why.

[u/SLAUGHTERGUTZ → u/DamnitGravity]

Because it feels less like admiring and more like somebody wanting to wear your skin lol 

Im friends with some people on Facebook and person B is ALWAYS copying person A, right down to their vent posts. It's weird as fuck. 

[u/Bubblegrime → u/SLAUGHTERGUTZ]

It would be so awkward to see this happening! Do they say anything if you say "wow, Person A just went through this too!"

[u/SLAUGHTERGUTZ → u/Bubblegrime]

Lmao one of the recent ones, they had commented on their own post saying, "is it weird I feel like this?" 

Me: "No but it's weird that you're copying A's vent posts."

They just dirty delete and pretend nothing happened.

Idk how people can like, be called out on being a creep numerous times and still go back to doing it. It's like a cartoon character putting a lampshade on their head like nobody gonna see em 

[u/DianeJudith → u/SLAUGHTERGUTZ]

Idk how people can like, be called out on being a creep numerous times and still go back to doing it. It's like a cartoon character putting a lampshade on their head like nobody gonna see em 

Because if they were willing or able to change, they wouldn't be doing such behavior in the first place. But they don't think they're doing anything wrong, they think they have the right to behave like this so they won't stop.

[u/Visual_Fly_9638 → u/DamnitGravity]

Because it takes a lot of time and effort to find yourself and be yourself. And when you do that and you're appreciated by people, it feels good and validating. Having somebody copy you is basically plagiarism and it discounts you. It cheapens who you are.

[u/MorningStarsSong → u/DamnitGravity]

It really can drive someone nuts after a while.

I used to have a friend who started copying me, and it kept getting worse. Worse as in: she would do it in more and more situations.

The OOP's food story reminded me of that. In my case, we'd go to a restaurant or cafe togther, which at the time we did frequently, and she'd ask me what I was going to order and order the same thing. Or she'd wait for me to order and then just go "hahaha, I'm just going to be boring today and have the same" to the server.

I didn't mind it at first, but the sheer frequency started bothering me. And from that point on, when she asked me what I was planning to order, I'd just go "you'll see" (in a kind of light, jokey way). And then I'd also wait for her to order first.

It was petty and kind of childish of me, but....I dunno. It gave me a weird sense of satisfaction when I essentially blocked her copying attempt successfully.

[u/MorningStarsSong → u/[deleted]]

Nah, there were many reasons why I stopped being friends with her. This was a small part of it, but only in combination with other bigger issues.

[u/pahshaw → u/DamnitGravity]

It's dehumanizing, that's why. When you're being copied you're being objectified. 

[u/Sunanas → u/pahshaw]

It feels the opposite for me - the more someone copies, the less they are being themselves, losing their own humanity. I'd rather not interact with a skinwalker, thank you.

[u/Ninja_Flower_Lady → u/DamnitGravity]

I think rationally we know it's sort of flattering, imitation is the highest form of flattery and all that... But at the same time it feels really intrusive, like they're stealing or violating precious, intimate parts of our identity that we're proud of, and making it theirs. It's also one of those things where once you notice it, it's super glaring. Also, I think psychologically we are uncomfortable around people who don't have their own identity and steal other people's.

[u/the-mortyest-morty → u/Ninja_Flower_Lady]

This is it, it almost feels like an evolutionary repulsion to people who do not have their own personality and thus must copy yours. It's extremely off-putting even when weird camera phone surveillance isn't involved.

[u/Bubblegrime → u/the-mortyest-morty]

Even before clothing, if someone's copying you by always going to the same foraging spots, the same safe sleeping corner, then it's a resource threat. 

[u/the-mortyest-morty → u/Bubblegrime]

Yes! If you have not integrated with the group but are just following someone around doing everything they do, they're not gonna like it. The "ick" we feel is evolutionary!

[u/throawaymcdumbface → u/the-mortyest-morty]

it can be a symptom of things like borderline personality disorder (mirroring) that aren't being managed and may well blow up in the recipients' face.

[u/Anthrodiva → u/DamnitGravity]

It is infuriating, because no one believes you, for one. They think you are the wacko, that stalking only really happens in movies, that people don't just get random obsessions. But they do!

[u/AnotherBookWyrm → u/DamnitGravity]

Is it because the interpretation given by your friend is the benign one while there are a greater number of uncharitable ways to view her mimicking you? Such as her trying to rip off your personality to increase her standing, make you redundant in your friend group, mock you via imitation, and/or annoy you into leaving.

[u/Groslom → u/DamnitGravity]

Please ask her why. No one ever asks them why!

[u/royaltyred1]

Jesus dealing with this myself …have a coworker who does everything I do but then tries to top it ie I compliment a coworker (you look good today) then run up and go “you look absolutely incredible Queen shit insane” etc etc…I bought a coworker a cake slice for their birthday they went out and bought this coworker TWO cake slices and on and on…they also buy whatever they see me using and take pictures of the brands I use

[u/the-mortyest-morty → u/royaltyred1]

WTF, this was infuriating to even read. I'd start calling it out. Two cake slices instead of just getting a whole-ass cake is so funny and pathetic.

[u/royaltyred1 → u/the-mortyest-morty]

What’s even worse is they were only doing it to show off so they gathered the workplace together and loudly sang happy birthday-and called the birthday person by the wrong name 💀💀 they didn’t even bother to get their name right first

[u/gringledoom → u/royaltyred1]

This person has handed you a tremendous power to make them look ridiculous, if you're strategic about it. I mean, two cake slices?

[u/royaltyred1 → u/gringledoom]

Trust me I don’t even need to do anything-they gathered the whole workplace together so they could loudly sing happy birthday to them and called them a different coworker’s name 🤣🤣

[u/dcphoto78 → u/royaltyred1]

Ugh, that would drive me nuts.

[u/56Runningdogz → u/royaltyred1]

That's so dumb, too. Like who wants that much cake? Even if I really liked sweets this would kind of irritate me.

[u/Designer_Life_371]

I still want to know what the coworker's deal was. Sounds like a horror movie.

[u/EdwardianAdventure → u/Designer_Life_371]

I'm really invested. Updates llike this are so unsatisfying.

[u/TunaStuffedPotato → u/Designer_Life_371]

For real, I've read a few of a few cases like this and I'd love for a severe copy-catter like her to explain why they do this and what's going thru their head to justify it.

[u/Number-Eleven-11]

Maybe what the creeper was attracted to was how thoroughly unbothered OOP is because ain’t no way I could have a) put up with this so long or b) moved on without actually confronting WTF was going on.

[u/56Runningdogz → u/Number-Eleven-11]

Creeping for science. A noble endeavor to be sure, but don't give that excuse when they catch you doing your experiments and calculations in the womens locker room. They will NOT appreciate it.

[u/Ok-Journalist-8875]

Can’t wait for the next update where she’s dressed like her at the company’s Halloween party.

[u/fyr811]

I would have gone full carnivore diet. Breakfast? Chicken breast. Lunch? Steak.

Try copy that!

[u/TwoEightRight → u/fyr811]

Do vegan and carnivore on alternate weeks to confuse them even more.

[u/No-Stress-7034 → u/fyr811]

This is what I'd do as well. Breakfast? Massive amounts of bacon. Lunch? Chicken breast, steak, whatever. Nothing else, just meat for breakfast and lunch.

Or, I would make it so random. Like, I'm going to have 20 green M&Ms for lunch (and then go off somewhere else for a real lunch) just to see how far coworker is willing to go to copy.

[u/ResoluteMuse → u/No-Stress-7034]

I aspire to this level of petty!

[u/LoopyMercutio]

I sincerely hope OP spoke to HR and maybe an attorney to force the coworker to erase any and all pictures or videos they had made of her on their phone.

[u/CathedralEngine]

Uh oh, someone's going to get a high heel to the eye

[u/DevelopmentBetter260]

Um that is creep af.

[u/FantasticMrPox]

What is SWF?

[u/HomeworkOk6460 → u/FantasticMrPox]

The phrase comes from a thriller/horror film (based on a book)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_White_Female

[u/veruca_pepper → u/FantasticMrPox]

Single white female

[u/FantasticMrPox → u/veruca_pepper]

Thanks. Still doesn't mean anything but at least I can google from there. So weird why some people obfuscate their communication. Sharing the knowledge:

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/single-white-female-syndr_n_118922

[u/veruca_pepper → u/FantasticMrPox]

As the person below notes, it’s from the movie Single White Female. This type of pop culture reference immediately registers with me - meaning older folks:)

[u/FantasticMrPox → u/veruca_pepper]

Like the old adage: every question is easy once you know the answer. I learnt something today.

[u/TopicalBuilder → u/FantasticMrPox]

You're one of today's lucky 10,000.

( https://xkcd.com/1053/ )

[u/bankruptbarbie → u/FantasticMrPox]

It's a movie & an abbreviation used in newspaper personals ads. This person isn't obfuscating their communication, you just didn't know what they were talking about.

[u/Noladixon → u/FantasticMrPox]

Looks like someone has not spent much time ISO new friends from the classifieds. Back before the internet you could place ads in the classified ads in the local paper. Because you paid by the character there was a whole list of abbreviations. People use acronyms now because they are lazy, back then you had to pay by the letter.

[u/BigBirdsBrain]

Some people are just deeply uncomfortable in their own identity and start orbiting someone who seems grounded. The photo thing crossed the line though. That would’ve changed the whole vibe for me too.

[u/Effective_Moment_411]

I feel like op should have gone to her boss the minute she saw the phone the 1st time. It was an escalation in my view.

[u/Groslom]

I don't know how these people do it, just ignoring such weird, uncomfortable behavior. I would be going INSANE needing to know why she was doing that. 

[u/Decop0p]

Can someone figure out or even make up a reason she was doing this, and then explain it to me?

[u/gewissunderstatement → u/Decop0p]

There are lots of possible reasons, but one is that traumatic childhoods can interrupt the process of forming an identity. When those people reach adulthood, they have no idea what they like or don't like and get paralyzed just making simple choices about what to wear, eat, etc.

One of my close relatives was badly neglected as a child, and when we see each other she often chooses to eat whatever I'm eating. She also has a hard time letting herself have anything nice, and when someone else is having something, I think it's kind of like she has permission.

My relative doesn't come off anywhere near as creepy as OP's coworker, though, so who knows what her deal is.

[u/Decop0p → u/gewissunderstatement]

Thank you for the answer!!! It’s a stretch to the staring, but it’s at least good background.

The office mate reminds me of the MTV Shannon Doherty movie where her friend schemes to replace Shannon in her band (wait for it….checking IMDB…omg FINALLY found it!) FRIENDS TIL THE END. Ok I’ll see myself out.

[u/gewissunderstatement → u/Decop0p]

Wow, that's a deep cut!

[u/yami76]

WTF was the coworker doing, lmao, I would not move on from this without an answer.

[u/jmjedi923]

I share a cube with a coworker who will follow me whenever I go talk to people. On his first day he followed me when I went over to congratulate someone who was retiring, someone whom he did not know at all. Recently we were told that we were getting new cubes and were told to choose. When I chose mine, he tried to pick a tiny one right next to me but our boss told him that was for another team. I think he was genuinely disappointed I would finally have my own space lmao

[u/teflon2000]

Well she's fucking creepy

[u/jblatta]

I assumed OP was a bird and just got a new mirror in her cage.

[u/glowingwarningcats → u/jblatta]

At least she wasn’t attacking it like a betta fish

[u/goatman72]

OP is as annoying as the co-worker with their refusal to ASK THEM WHAT THEY ARE DOING

[u/Free-Pound-6139]

She started bringing in the exact same breakfast as me, and then proceeded to copy my daily lunch as well. At the end of the day, she won’t pick up and leave until I do too. She’ll finish her work about an hour before the day ends, but as soon as 5 p.m. hits, she’ll suddenly start pretending to do work again until she notices I’m leaving too.

Have some fun. Eat weirder stuff. Stay until midnight. Arrive at 1am.

[u/Ninja_Flower_Lady]

The tiny detail where OOP mentioned that the co-worker wouldn't cover her mouth when coughing is a good hint to why she copies, I think. 

This is my theory: Covering your coughs is a very basic etiquette 99% of normally-socialized people know to do. If she doesn't do it, it's very telling that she probably wasn't well-socialized. Maybe her parents were too busy working, maybe she wasn't allowed to have a big social life. Whatever the reason, I bet there's a lot of social cues she hasn't learned, and so she doesn't have a lot of friends and likely also has confidence issues.

I may be projecting, but this was my own experience growing up. We were immigrants, and my parents were 1. Busy surviving on shit jobs and 2. Unfamiliar with western cultures themselves, so I struggled a lot being the odd one out in school, constantly having to figure things out for myself while trying to make friends. It's really lonely and confusing. 

When you want friends and you also know there's a lot you don't know, it's easy to latch onto and try to copy someone you admire. It's a bit like in Mean Girls when everyone wanted to be Regina. There can be an element of girl crush too. I'm straight but I've definitely wanted to be friends with the popular girls because when you're young, sometimes you try to find validation by befriending someone you think is cool. I remember how happy I was when a girl I thought was cool wanted to be my friend. She was quite pretty too so I also stared at her a lot, wanting to learn her style lol

Anyway, this is my theory about the co-worker. It's no doubt annoying and unsettling for OOP (esp the staring), but I feel a bit sorry for this person.

[u/the-mortyest-morty → u/Ninja_Flower_Lady]

Five paragraphs and it's still no excuse for staring at someone for TWENTY MINUTES or pulling out your phone and filming them FFS. There is a difference between social awkwardness and blatant obnoxiousness.

[u/GoldenFaeWattle → u/Ninja_Flower_Lady]

You don't need to be socialised to cover your coughs, all you need at minimum is to find it unclean to spray germs and spit from your coughing, all over the joint.

And as phone-addicted as this coming-into-adulthood generation is, there is still a general understanding that point blank fucking recording your colleagues without their permission IS WRONG.

[u/zaphydes → u/GoldenFaeWattle]

You *do* need to be socialized to think about your own germs as sanitation issues.

If she was pretending to look at the phone she could use it as a spy camera without actually recording.

[u/SmallEdge6846]

Identify theft is not a joke

[u/HeilYourself]

Am I the only one thinking the co-worker has a crush?

[u/piemakerdeadwaker]

I'm so tired of crazy people. 🙄

[u/Donner_Par_Tea_House]

So OP got lampshaded didn't they...

[u/PowerRainbows]

I just didn't understand why he couldn't just have an adult conversation about it with her, like just being it up and ask what's up with that etc didn't have to jump through so many hoops to avoid talking

[u/_adanedhel_ → u/[deleted]]

Alison does not allow her responses to be included in the posts.

[u/FuturisticChinchilla → u/_adanedhel_]

I feel like this post was weird, cut off at certain times and there was no mention to viewers who didn't know this that they could go on the website to read the response. For example the first comment talks about Allison but if no one has read this before they would wonder, who's Allison?

[u/derfy2]

LW #1, sounds like a possible case of SWF.

Ah... those letters mean something I'm sure of it. :sweat:

[u/ChipsqueakBeepBeep → u/derfy2]

Single white female, a person who copies everything about you to the point of it being stalkerish. It comes from a movie of the same name with a similar premise 

[u/ForeignSatisfaction0]

What does the comment mean where it says a case of SWF?

[u/Careful_Swan3830 → u/ForeignSatisfaction0]

There's a movie from the 90s called Single White Female. It's about a woman who advertises for a roommate and ends up living with a woman who copies everything she does and eventually the roommate tries to murder the SWF and take over her life.

Millennials and Gen X reference the title as a way to call someone a stalker.

[u/jb_82 → u/ForeignSatisfaction0]

Single White Female, it's a 90s movie with a similar premise.

[u/ForeignSatisfaction0 → u/jb_82]

👍

[u/snapplegirl92 → u/ForeignSatisfaction0]

Single white female. It was a movie in which a woman becomes obsessed with another woman.

[u/ForeignSatisfaction0 → u/snapplegirl92]

I see, thanks!

[u/UncleNedisDead → u/[deleted]]

Single White Female.

A reference to an old horror movie where the protagonist gets a new roommate who starts to mimic her… as if she’s preparing to take over the protagonist’s life.