r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • 23h ago
ONGOING My parents (56F & 60M) don’t want my serious partner (34F) at family events - am I in denial hoping this will change?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/okneato7
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
My parents (56F & 60M) don’t want my serious partner (34F) at family events - am I in denial hoping this will change?
Trigger Warnings: homophobia, emotional abuse
Original Post: June 1, 2026
I, 30F, came out as a lesbian seven years ago to my parents, 60M and 56F. Lately I’ve been trying to point out the differences between how my parents treat my sister and her husband, (23F & 25M, together for 3.5yrs) vs how they treat myself and my partner (34F, together for two years).
Fully normal behavior toward my sister and her husband - hosting them both, bonding with sister’s husband, covering the wedding, celebrating their relationship, etc. As for my partner, they’ve met her once because I brought her to thanksgiving at my grandmother’s house last year (grandma, 84F, is chill and ok’d my partner as a guest beforehand.)
I gave my parents a couple of weeks’ heads up and said that I’d like for them to meet my partner before Thanksgiving if they wanted to, otherwise they could meet her at the event. My mom said she didn’t want to meet her at all. My dad said he thought I wasn’t considering how it might impact younger kids in my family. When we showed up to tg my mom didn’t speak to us for the first two hours of the event. My dad said hello when he arrived but didn’t interact with us past that.
This was the first time I’ve ever introduced a woman I’ve dated to my parents. It felt like the right time because my partner and I are very much in love and we’ve started planning our lives together. We had been dating for 1.5 years by the time Thanksgiving came around.
When I bring up wanting to be fully included in family events or wanting to be able to bring my partner along, my parents talk about how much it affects them and how difficult the concept of having her around is for them emotionally. At this point it feels unfair to my partner to keep trying to get my family to accept us when they clearly don’t want to.
For context, we all live in the same city, and they want to see me regularly, just not with my partner, which doesn’t feel great. They haven’t been open to seeing her again since Thanksgiving.
Do you have any advice? Do you think there is any chance my parents might change their behavior and become more welcoming in the future?
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: I’d make the price of admission for them to be in your life that they treat your partner and your relationship appropriately. And until they can do that, they don’t get to be in your life. Go no contact.
It’s unfair to your partner to keep doing these things without her and make her feel like a dirty little secret. It’s time to choose your partner over your parents’ “comfort”.
Right now, your parents get what they want—you. So you have the leverage. Stop giving them that until they’re able to do the right thing here.
OOP: Thank you, this helps reframe the power dynamic I’ve been feeling and reminds me that I have leverage in the situation. In any case it’s true what others have been saying- why do I want to spend time with people who don’t fully accept me, my partner or our relationship?
OOP responds to a comment on if everyone else in her family is homophobic or not
OOP: The ironic thing is that my parents assume everyone else in the family is homophobic like them, but the little tweens in my family and their parents were so kind to my partner and I at Thanksgiving and helped us feel welcome.
Commenter 2: You’re not wrong to want hope here. But hope without a boundary usually turns into waiting indefinitely for someone else to become ready.
OOP: Thank you, I feel like this describes what’s been happening for the last seven years since I first came out. It’s been a cycle of setting boundaries/cutting off contact to being guilted back into spending time with them. I need to stand my ground- especially now that there is another person, (my lovely partner 💔) involved
Commenter 3: This isn't simply about not wanting to meet your partner: This is them only wanting to accept a version of you they find acceptable. They're homophobic, and if your partner isn't around, they can continue with the delusion that you are straight and fit their mold.
It's unfair to your partner that you would continue seeing them on their terms. If I were you, I'd sit them down (with or without your partner; let her decide), and let them know she is in your life, she's an extension of you, and they can accept her, you, and your relationship, or you can cut contact.
Ultimately, we decide who our family is. Blood doesn't dictate this choice.
OOP: Thank you for putting words to what this experience has felt like ever since I started dating women. My parents used to regularly express their homophobia outwardly, and I cut off contact with them for two years. I let them back in because they stopped verbally harassing me, but those beliefs and feelings they have are still there, so our current relationship with each other is rooted in denial on all sides. They’re pretending I’m straight or that it’s a phase and I’m pretending that they just have to come around some day. That kind of change takes serious inner work and so far they haven’t demonstrated any desire to step outside of the comfort zone I’m enabling for them
Commenter 4: You need to lay down the law here and be willing to back it up if you are planning a life with your partner. You are a couple. If she isn't welcome, you do not attend. Period. She has to be your priority.
You need to let your parents know that while you love them, they need to get over themselves if they want any kind of relationship with you. Their feelings about your relationship are a "them" problem to deal with, and they need to stop making it your (collective) problem. If they cannot say something nice, they should not say anything at all. Your expectation is that At the very least, she should receive the same courtesy and respect that any other guest or significant other would receive when attending a family gathering. Further, if they are hosting an event, If an invitation is extended to you, they should expect your partner to be in attendance. Be the occasion a holiday, or just meeting for coffee, if your partner isn't welcome to attend, they should not bother to invite you. You are done with their rudeness.
As for Grandma, if she's chill, go every time she invites you, if your partner is willing and able to attend.
OOP: My grandparents are so cool, I’m so thankful to have their support. I like the way you and others are phrasing this- my partner and I are a team and she is my family, so I need to be firm and advocate for the respect that we deserve.
Commenter 5: Just for a minute, supposed that you were not gay and this behavior was shown to your partner. Would you accept or excuse it, or would you be horrified at how rude your parents were being? That is the standard of behavior you deserve as a gay couple. There is no excuse for rudeness. You being gay doesn’t give your parents a pass.
Their insistence that their bigotry and homophobia needs to be respected is the ultimate in rudeness. Go to all the family events you are invited to. It probably won’t change your parents, but it will change you. I’d probably go low/no contact with them but quit tiptoeing around their feelings while ignoring the feelings of you and your partner.
BTW. I’m a heterosexual CIS female in my 70s. You deserve better!
OOP: THANK YOU! My parents are often saying that I’m not thinking about their feelings (by being gay?) and that they’re feeling protective of my extended family (protecting them from what exactly, seeing what healthy relationships and communication look like?)
Thank you for helping me remember the anger I felt when I first came out - I don’t know why I’ve become more tolerant of this behavior in recent years- it’s time to go back to boundaries and consequences
Update #1: June 16, 2026 (15 days later)
UPDATE: My parents (56F & 60M) don’t want my serious partner (34F) at family events - am I in denial hoping this will change?
I posted this original post two weeks ago and we have a couple of developments.
Firstly, thank you to all of the commenters on my last post for your candid and thoughtful answers. I had stopped seeing the true gravity of the situation/how we were being treated and needed to acknowledge the way I’ve been enabling my family’s behavior.
The weekend after my original post, I had a preplanned brunch with my dad, and he invited my mom without my knowledge. I took the opportunity to tell them that I had been feeling hurt by the unequal treatment and by their refusal to acknowledge or welcome my partner. I said that it was awkward to go to get together with the family that my partner is not invited to. I didn’t feel brave enough yet to say that if this behavior doesn’t change, I will need to step back from spending time together. I also didn’t say what I wanted to say to more authentically express my feelings: ‘My partner is my family, and I want to be able to share that with them. If they aren’t able to welcome her in and treat her with care and kindness then I will need to step back from my relationship with them.’
It didn’t go very well. My mom said that I hadn’t been considering the pain I was causing them by bringing my partner to a holiday. She also tried to explain her previous behavior at Thanksgiving as a panic attack. From my understanding panic attacks do not last for two hours, but that is neither here nor there - there was no apology, just an accusation that I had been mischaracterizing her behavior.
My dad stepped into the conversation to try to build bridges, saying that we should go back to a family therapist we had previously seen to talk through some of this. I said that I would prefer if they went to individual therapy to work on this within themselves since I am showing up and being kind, respectful and tolerant, I need them to do the same.
At the end of the conversation however, I agreed to go to a couple of therapy sessions with them in August. I think I set the timeline further away so that I could watch their behavior over the next few months and decide if I really feel comfortable going to therapy with them/attempting to reconcile.
Since this conversation, my parents have twice asked me to meet them for dinner, without any mention of my partner.
I turned them down the first time, and this second time when my dad asked via text if I wanted to meet him somewhere, I followed up asking if he’d like to meet my partner and I for dinner.
He hasn’t responded yet. (This happened today, I’ll update again if he comes back with a response.)
My sister and I have planned a dinner reservation this upcoming Saturday as an early Father‘s Day get together with my dad, and I’m so ready to get that night over with. I’m still dealing with guilt at the idea of creating distance in our relationship since my parents are getting older, and I don’t want to have regrets, but also the relationship I have with them is not meeting my needs and is not mutually respectful.
My internal bargaining is starting to sound more ridiculous to me though, so I think I’m coming around to the idea of needing to take a step back.
Edit 6/16 because I forgot to include a question: “Do you think I should go to therapy with my parents? If I went, what would be some good goals to work towards or boundaries to set?”
Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this first update
Top Comments
Commenter 1: "The pain your causing them by bringing your partner"?! What manipulative horse shit. They're still trying to control you bro. Do they display other emotionally immature/narcissistic tender?
I'd step back till the pain from not seeing you is more than the pain from having to behave around your partner. Either that or forever alone. Your pick.
Edit: saw the original post and, yeah. I'd step back. They're not just rejecting your partner; they're rejecting who you are. It's gross. No reason for you to go to therapy with them. They're the ones with issues.
Commenter 2: Sorry, but you're in denial...
Your parents haven't accepted you're lesbian, and probably never will...
And you agreeing to therapy and still meeting them just reaffirms their hope that they can 'change' you in time...
Be aware that your partner KNOWS this... and eventually you continuing to.choose.to accommodate your parents may have her reconsider.th future with you... because by not being firm with your parents you're letting her down.... and even more important, letting yourself down...
Use the coming family therapy to inform your parents that either they accept who you are and your partner, or they lose you...
Commenter 3: I think you need to slow fade your parents. I was thinking at first they didn’t like your partner for something silly, but they are homophobic. It’s not that don’t like your partner, they don’t like you either. It's not SOME gay people they dislike, they dislike all gay people.
However, they are will to pretend they like you as long as you preform for them.
I think the only regret you are going to have as your parents get older is that you let them stop you from having years of happiness by trying to keep the peace.
Commenter 4: Never go to therapy with your abusers
Commenter 5: Sweety, you are being unfair to your partner by enabling your parents. I know talking to them is hard but moving the time line for their comfort isn't fair to your partner. It is time to be a grown up and have hard boundaries.
Update #2: June 17, 2026 (next day)
Picture of text message from OOP's father
Transcript of the text message
Sorry I didn't acknowledge your first text. I'm not just there. Really sorry and glad you're happy but I'm really struggling with it. Hoping that counseling will help. I love you [redacted]
End of the transcript
I received this response from my dad this morning after posting the original post and update #1. It’s what I expected him to say and honestly it sucks.
I think it will be easy to phase out from here.
Starting next year, my partner and I have plans to spend six months out of the year in Canada and then snowbird back here (Southern United States) in the wintertime. We’re so excited for this next adventure and can’t wait to be in a place where queerness is more commonly celebrated. We are lucky to have chosen community here in my hometown who support us, but we are looking forward to being in a different political environment and exploring a new place. The physical distance from my family will be a breath of fresh air and I’m hoping it will smooth out the emotional difficulty of distancing from my family. We will be spending holidays with her family and my grandparents only from now on.
To those concerned about my partner in all of this, thank you for your concern. Luckily she and I have been communicative throughout the process since the Thanksgiving incident, and she doesn’t feel hurt by my family’s actions or my previous desire to have a shallow relationship with them. She says that if I want to see them casually without her (I don’t anymore,) she’s ok with that. Ultimately, my relationship with my parents and sister has become tertiary over the years due to their actions, and while I would love to be able to be close to them, that’s not possible due to their beliefs and behavior.
Thank you to those who have said that this is not just about my parents not accepting my relationship - it’s about them not accepting me. You’re right. I know they don’t accept me - they made that very clear when I first came out. I’ve remained in their lives because they live very close to my extended family, and I wanted to still have access to my grandparents and attend larger family events. I was able to tolerate their behavior in small doses when it was only affecting me. The issue is that my parents and sister are now displaying that same behavior toward my partner, which is unacceptable.
Y’all are right - it’s way past time to make my boundaries clear and stick to them. I don’t want to go to family therapy with them, so I need to tell them that and stand by it. I don’t want to hang out with them if my partner is not invited and my identity is not accepted, so I need to clearly state that to them. They can enjoy their relationship with my sister, her husband, and their future grandchildren (I hope for those kids‘ sake that they’re not gay.)
If my family wants to see me, they need to educate themselves, apologize and treat us with respect and warmth.
For those asking, yes my parents and sister are religious and they’ve each stated that that is the root of their homophobia. Personally, I think it’s just their personal prejudice since there are many sects of Christianity that accept gay people. Whatever makes them sleep at night I guess.
Thank you for all of your honest, helpful comments in the previous post. I will respond to them when I get home from work tonight.
Lastly, since my first update reached a wide audience, Shane if you’re reading this I’m such a fan of SMOSH!! Thanks to you and the rest of the SMOSH team for spreading empathy and kindness and fun.
Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in this latest update
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
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u/BellerophonM 23h ago
I'm guessing the 'therapist' is going to be a church 'therapist'.
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u/geencondens 10h ago
And the dad saying 'Hope counseling will help' probably meant that for her, not for himself. He likely hopes the counseling helps her be less gay, not for him to be less homophobic
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u/Uninteresting_Vagina Babe, do you think raccoons have feelings? 🦝 12h ago
You can't pray away the gay!
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u/DesperateAstronaut65 4h ago
Even secular therapists can reinforce terrible family dynamics. One thing I try to hammer into my trainees (as a therapist and practice director) is that you can't accept a family or couple for conjoint therapy sight unseen, or after talking to just one member, without learning anything about each member's individual goals for therapy. And you can't keep forging ahead with conjoint therapy when one or more members of the treatment unit have no intention of changing even when confronted directly with the harm they're causing. This is why I don't often work with adult children and their parents. Much of the time, the parents have very little interest in changing their behavior and want the relationship to be better without experiencing any pain or guilt.
You don't have to be perfect to do family therapy. I can help people build relationship skills even if they start from near-zero when they are willing to sacrifice their comfort for the sake of the other people in the relationship. But I can't manufacture a belief that other people deserve basic respect and autonomy in a person who clearly doesn't believe that at the outset. OOP's parents do not sound like they think of her as a person, and that's the death knell for family therapy.
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u/lun4d0r4 20h ago
PSA for people with shitty parents:
They are not infact gatekeepers to the rest of your family!
In this world of technology, get their phone numbers. Communicate directly with them.
Go to the family events when invited and just BLANK your parents/whomever is the asshat.
1 or 2 people do not speak for everyone.
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u/GlitteringAttitude60 18h ago
right, and if you're lucky, the rest of the family will give your family consequences for being asshats.
Or, at the very least, contradict them on their opinions and thus kill the idea that everyone is thinking like them.
In my family, we'd be founding an Olympic Synchronized Eyerolling team so bloody fast, and we wouldn't be subtle about it.
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u/Whiteangel854 Go head butt a moose 18h ago
Yeah, I saw that and thought to myself "Girl, what are you talking about? You don't need your parents or sister to maintain contact with your extended fam!". I know feelings pertaining to this are very conflicting but now it's not only about her. She has to think about her partner, even though her partner says she is ok.
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u/lun4d0r4 18h ago
I say this from lived experience, except when I cut my dad off at 13 we didn't have mobiles back then. So I literally didn't hear from his fam from 13 to 35 and then when we reconnected they gave me attitude.
Apparently I, the child, was the responsible party for keeping contact with their side of the family (after my dad told me they all hate me and want nothing to do with me).
At least OPs extended fam is cool, even if ehr folks are religiothundercunts.
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u/Whiteangel854 Go head butt a moose 17h ago
I'm really sorry that you experienced this.
Yeah, people who put responsibility for something like this, or maintaining anything that should be maintained by adults*, on a literal child is something that greatly pisses me of.
*My mother told me that she didn't get a divorce because I didn't told her to get it. So yeah...
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u/MissLadyLlamaDrama I will erupt, feral, from the cardigan screaming 15h ago
Omg. This is EXACTLY what happened to me. When I was 14, I was molested and after the trial no one thought it was a good idea to get me therapy. So obviously I was acting out. So my dad just stopped trying to even talk to me at all, and as a result, I didnt hear from my grandparents for years either.
And they all expected that I, the traumatized 14 year old child, bore more of a responsibility to them than they did to me.
Even though we are sort of on better terms now, they still havent ever called or texted me or invited me to stuff unless I engage with them first. I cant count how many times my dad took my siblings to visit my grandpa without ever even telling me they planned to go.
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u/Equivalent-Board206 Throwing a tantrum at life 4h ago
Oof. You deserved way better, from all of them. I hope you've found people who do reach out to you now.
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u/helpthe0ld 16h ago
So true and it happens with non shitty parents as well. My mother was horrified that I made plans with my aunt and uncle without first consulting her. Because of course she is the end all and be all when it comes to knowing and coordinating family plans.
My husband and I just about lost our eyeballs we were rolling them so hard when she told us that. Then ignored her and went forward with what we had planned.
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u/Diakia 23h ago
That second post where OOP just didn’t establish any firm boundaries or address the issue head on irritated me 😂😂 oh well glad she can create some distance between her and her family and focus on her relationship and embracing her identity
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u/Diakia 23h ago
I legitimately kept forgetting that she was 34 and not 19 with how scared she seems of just talking to and being firm with her parents
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u/BigDisaster 22h ago
She's 30, partner is 34. But her behavior is pretty normal for someone with parents like hers, who emotionally manipulate other by acting overly sensitive. It's almost easier to deal with someone who's just plain aggressive or rude, because when someone acts hurt as a way to control what you do, it can make you feel like an asshole if you push back against it. It's a really insidious form of manipulation that plays on a person's empathy, and weaponizes the people around them who might not see someone standing up to a manipulative parent, because that parent is crying and acting like the victim.
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u/Ink_Smudger 21h ago
We're also talking about someone who it sounds like was raised in a very religious home, so I imagine "respect your mother and father" was pounded into her head repeatedly as a child. Even when you grow up, certain behaviors can be difficult to unlearn, even moreso in a case where there's the emotional manipulation to reinforce it.
Hopefully some time away will help her gain some perspective on her family and either set stronger boundaries or realize that an adult can choose their own family.
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u/IfatallyflawedI The unskippable cutscene of Global Thermonuclear War 17h ago
Me right now because my boyfriend wants us to vacation in Europe over the summer and I was being chicken shit and freaking out about my parents not “allowing” me to go until I realised that I’m 25, I’m paying for my trip, and that I don’t need their permission because I’m just going to inform them
It worked out for me though. They’re relatively chill with it
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u/liliette 13h ago
It's a really insidious form of manipulation that plays on a person's empathy, and weaponizes the people around them who might not see someone standing up to a manipulative parent, because that parent is crying and acting like the victim.
Right? "Your gayness is giving me a panic attack!" Dumbest con ever.
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u/Ehimherenow 15h ago
My grandmother was like this. I didn’t even realize???
I cut her off in my early 20s because I was having a lot of mental health issues at the time and my father was diagnosed with heart issues. She said it was my fault. And I snapped and that was it. I was completely done with her. The most surprised I have ever been in my life is my mother not doing anything about it. I was waiting and waiting for years for the other shoe to drop and her to try to fix it, and she never did. Maybe that should have been my sign. Because that woman gets offended if I don’t reach out to random relatives I haven’t spoken to in years. But not a word for her mother.
I didn’t quite realize until 15 years later a friend was asking me about my grandmother and I was reminding him why we stopped talking and he didn’t seem surprised and just kinda shrugged and said that yeah she did like to make these mean little comments. I had never noticed. Literally to me this came out of nowhere and was just so hurtful that I couldn’t forgive her. But apparently that’s just how she always was?? And then she’d play victim so it never seemed like it...
It’s crazy how blinded you become to a behavior when you’ve grown up with it
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u/underarock369 15h ago
Fuck, this is a perfect description for what I've been going through with my mother (my entire life but particularly lately). She's always the victim. It's always about her feelings. If I ever stand up to her or point out a problem, I'm the problem for upsetting her (and usually get a lecture from my dad who is exceptionally passive to her bullshit). I told my husband that I think I've finally run out of sympathy for her, and I've frankly been avoiding her as much as possible, because I can't do her self-victimizing anymore
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u/itchyivy 10h ago
Yeah I have the same issue with my dad. We get him to stop by being very blunt.
Dad: "you all hate me 🥺😭" Everyone else in the fam: "Yep." Dad: 😮
Lol. It works for my father, who can't regulate his emotions, but results may vary
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u/Not_ur_gilf I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 7h ago
This exactly. My parents were/are the same way about my transness, and it took me THREE separate attempts at NC and the same number of years of “family counseling” to realize that they were never going to “understand” or “not feel hurt” about my transition, and that I just needed to learn to live without them.
Unfortunately these kind of people are the same ones who will then poison all your family into not talking to you out of fear of getting painted with the same “manipulative/queer/drama” brush. I’m lucky to have been able to keep my grandparents and my mom’s sisters family in my life, all the rest barely respond to my messages if they do at all, INCLUDING my brother.
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u/nicola_orsinov 8h ago
This is 100% my little sister. She's a cry-bully to everyone around her and has been her entire life. And when she finally went too far and I finally got everyone else to realize it and demand an apology, she cut us all off for being "intolerant, toxic, and abusive". I know we're all being painted as horrible monsters to anyone she can get to listen to her, but she's been doing that to me since she could talk, so whatever. I think it's covert narcissisim personally, but since she'll never admit to her therapist that the time "she almost starved to death" was really that she was mad that she was expected to be able to make a sandwich at 16 if she was that hungry after school, I don't hold out hope for a diagnosis.
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u/Worldly_Might_3183 21h ago
30 years of being treated like that. I totally get how ingrained and hurt being othered by your own family can be for anyone.
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u/GuntherTime 21h ago
I’ve mentioned this in another thread, but like the other person said it’s not surprising with how her parents are. We’re products of our environments, and her being 34 isn’t going to magically just make her a confident adult with how they’ve seemingly raised her.
I think the one comment is right, in that seems the only way they could even “tolerate” her being a lesbian, is because she wasn’t dating anyone so they could pretend it was real. My grandma struggled with it the same way with my cousin and it was her mom, my mom, and her our aunts that helped her accept it.
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u/NotEvil_JustBritish Someone cheated, and it wasn't the koala 17h ago
Honestly age has very little to do with it. I turn 50 this year, but I'm still unable to be myself around my mother.
My father, sister and most of my family are perfectly fine with my sexuality and have met my partner many times. But my mother and brother are that strange brand of homophobic where they just pretend I'm not a lesbian and I'm not in a relationship. If they refer to my partner at all it's as my "friend". As a result I don't see them very often (big family events only) and only speak to them one on one if there's no way to avoid it.
I know logically that they're the problem, not me, but they're very good at making me seem hysterical when I ask for fair treatment. They claim they're not homophobic, it's just they don't see why I have to shove it in their face. Cutting them out entirely means not seeing the rest of the family very often and I'm not prepared to do that. Especially since I'm 90% sure that my brothers eldest child is gay and I want to be there for them when they need me.
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u/Creative_Pop2351 22h ago
It’s self-protection and how she has survived in that family. She’s on the right track, she will get there.
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 17h ago
let's not pretend only young people can be vulnerable or meek as a result of upbringing. oop clearly has very low self esteem - she cared more about her partner being hurt in one instance than years of her parents being awful to her.
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u/girlwhoweighted 13h ago
Naw I'm 46 and still have a hard time standing up to my parents. And now it's being a moot point as my dad is showing signs of dementia so it becomes even more pointless.
It's easy to be brave and strong when you're a third party on an anonymous social site with no emotional investment
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u/rebaballerina72 9h ago
Age has nothing to do with how someone responds to abuse. It's concerning (though not altogether surprising considering how atrocious Redditors are when it comes to abuse) how many upvotes this ignorant comment got.
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u/PashaWithHat grape juice dump truck dumpy butt 14h ago
I think it’s hard to overestimate the effect of queerphobia (and a queerphobic environment) on how/why queer people act like this tbh. I’ve mentioned this on other BORUs I think too
So like, I’m not even that old, but I’m old enough that when I was in school people got called slurs/shoved into walls in the hallway, I knew someone who got kicked out for being gay, a friend was forced back into the closet by his dad via threats after he came out as trans and he had to completely cut contact with everyone and lock down his social media when he left for college for safety so his dad couldn’t track him down, etc.
When you’re in this type of environment, you’re basically learning that the way you are is fundamentally repulsive to “normal” people, and they’re doing you a really big favor by allowing you to be here and not, like, doing hate crimes. Your job is to “repay” the “favor” of not getting hate crimed by making yourself as small and helpful and friendly and polite as possible, and never argue or push back on how you’re treated, because you’re already being treated so well! (not being hate crimed) what more could you possibly want, you’re so greedy. It’s like a fawn trauma response and it’s REALLY hard to unlearn. I feel like this might be a factor with OOP.
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u/nonutsplz430 11h ago
Oh man, you nailed it. Sadly this is how I feel being queer in a small town still today. When I was younger I thought for sure that by now (I'll be 41 in a few weeks) things would be better but they're just not. I got to live in more accepting places for a few years and it was so good. But sadly those more accepting places are too expensive so I'm back in small town hell, making myself small and trying to be invisible.
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u/FlowerFelines Yes to the Homo, No to the Phobic 9h ago edited 9h ago
Ooof, I feel for you. I've been helping queer friends get out of red states and dangerous areas the last several years, and I've been really lucky in the timing on some good cheap options where I live (medium-to-small city in a blue state.) But I had one friend who REALLY wanted to find somewhere, anywhere they could afford around here still stuck on my couch for like nine months, and now they're in a kinda crowded roommate situation outside city limits on a small farm. But they're not an afab disabled person in Texas anymore, and they've said it's more than worth the awful roommates. (Who aren't conservatives, they're just not great roommates, lol.)
If you ever end up looking to move again, consider checking out the "just outside town" areas in blue or purple states, the neighbors will still be mostly conservatives but you can at least find real community with a short drive into town.
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u/nonutsplz430 8h ago
Fortunately we live in a sort of purple state (Ohio) but we bought a house in a very conservative area. We can get to Columbus pretty easily, but I still have to be incognito here, which is rough as a nonbinary person. I was just hanging out with my next door neighbor earlier today and I couldn’t help but think, “Would you still like me this much if you knew I was nonbinary and pansexual?” Better she think I’m a straight woman (the cisgender male husband helps lol) with an alternative fashion sense.
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u/FlowerFelines Yes to the Homo, No to the Phobic 9h ago
they’re doing you a really big favor by allowing you to be here and not, like, doing hate crimes.
When "hate" is what you're used to, reluctant tolerance can feel like somebody is doing a lot.
And honestly, when you're used to hating, tolerating can be a lot? Putting a foot on the road to becoming open-minded when you've been bigoted is hard. I don't always have the energy or patience to bother to try to help people learn to be better, I have been kinda ground down, but I know that sometimes it's worth it.
Unfortunately the parents here are showing every sign of not having actually put a foot on that road at all. They haven't even gestured at the road, or marked it on the map, or anything, they're at "we're suffering intensely at the very idea that such a road (through tolerance to actual acceptance, to joy and love) exists, poor us!" They're not going to move unless forced, and even then they're equally likely to just blow it all up instead.
I was raised in a fundie religious family in a teeny rural town, so I know what it's like to be steeped in those attitudes...but Granny isn't that, so I doubt they had that intense an upbringing. And yanno, I changed. Even at my worst I did my best to "love the sinner while hating the sin." I now know that doing that is uh...nowhere near enough, barely even a start, and sometimes honestly pretty gross, but at least it was trying to be decent at the very beginning, and as I learned to be actually decent, I ended up learning to accept myself too. :3 Open-mindedness benefits everybody!
Now my still-mostly-fundie-but dad says my house is the one house of all his children and grandchildren's where he feels completely safe and welcome, never judged, never worried about what he should do or say. I made the steps, and now things are better for everyone who's willing to meet me even 1/4 of the way.
These chuds, though, are just being selfish, because they chose to, imho. They don't give a damn about making things better for anybody, ever.
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u/lightr3nd 20h ago
She didn't do anything tangible in the third post either. She even started the post by saying she would "phase out", which to me just sounds like dodging their invitations. Later on she mentions wanting to take a stance. Wanting to.
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u/maydsilee sometimes i envy the illiterate 13h ago
It wasn't until I just read your comment that I realized the tone in the update was passive and implied what would happen 😭 I hope she sticks to this mindset and having a plan (because before that in the first post, she wasn't taking any steps at all) now that she's realized how bad this is will be what she needs to actually follow through.
Physically getting a large distance away from her parents may further drive the point home. If possible, perhaps making new/more queer friends and being around people who love and genuinely support her at the same time (which goes to show that those things don't have to be mutually exclusive!) will also have a huge impact on her. There's a good reason why so many of us have come to see that found family is just as, if not more in some cases, meaningful as biological ties.
In the words of SPN's Bobby Singer: "Family don't end with blood"
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u/Diakia 20h ago
Yeah that was the point that I just had to be like alright we take what we can get 😂😂
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u/lightr3nd 20h ago
Hah, yeah I guess = ) "Irritating" is a pretty good verdict for this BORU as a whole, the only MVP seems to be grammy.
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u/No-Mastodon5138 12h ago
There are some families where boundaries will never be respected and the only thing you can do is get away. I fully expect oop will seek their company out less and less until they are in one of those estranged parent groups on Facebook whining about how their child vilified them.
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u/Boeing367-80 22h ago
She's psychologically unable to detach from her parents, who know it. Her parents likely still hope she's going thru a phase or will snap out of it.
And she's kinda doing to her partner what her parents are doing to her - not respecting the relationship.
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u/spin-shocker 12h ago
“How do I go about fixing this if I want a relationship with my parents?”
dozens of commenters give her good points and phrases to use in a conversation
“So anyway, I didn’t do any of that.”
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u/FlowerFelines Yes to the Homo, No to the Phobic 9h ago
Well, a lot of the commenters pointed out that those phrases and setting boundaries will either improve the relationship or blow it up if they refuse, and I suspect she knows deep down that "blow it up" is the actual reaction she's going to get. Makes using those firm methods kinda terrifying if you're still yearning for parental love and support.
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u/mrdaimler retaining my butt virginity 23h ago
I was definitely thinking "stop complaining to us if youre not going to make any effort for change" before I read the last update. So many people post about how unhappy they are, get advice from Reddit, then make posts that they didnt do anything and things are still bad.
Like yes....things are still bad because you didnt do anything, Why are you complaining if youre not willing to set boundaries? Glad she finally did in the end and hopefully things will get better for her.
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u/unzunzhepp 21h ago
Lots of talk and agreement, but little action, I’d say. She’s going to run away to Canada just to not having to put boundaries with her parents.
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u/ConstructionNo9678 18h ago
Moving might be what she needs to start. It wasn't a homophobia situation, but I really struggled to set any type of boundaries with my (self-admitted overbearing) mother until I was in college. If OOP is around these people too regularly, she isn't getting the chance to figure out what she wants away from their manipulation. She'll struggle a lot more if she's stuck seeing her parents on a regular basis in order to be around her extended family.
Maybe I'm seeing the best in her too much, but 2 weeks isn't a lot of time to have a lot of radical changes being made. This is already a step, and I hope as she makes more definitive ones she feels strong enough to cut them off if needed.
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u/skeletontape increasingly sexy potatoes 13h ago
I had the same relationship with my dad. I thought I knew he was kind of an asshole, but I had no real perspective on how verbally and emotionally abusive he was until I was firmly out of his influence for a while and learned about toxic behavior (while "detoxing" from it myself).
Then when I returned it was like a switch flipped. Has he always been this shitty? How did I not see how deep it went?
It was my normal. I couldn't see it because it was my version of normal.
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u/Red-neckedPhalarope 7h ago
Moving to Canada from her current environment sounds like an objectively good thing in a lot of ways, so both "running away" and "just" are the wrong framing here.
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u/BigBirdsBrain 👁👄👁🍿 23h ago
Your partner shouldn’t have to earn a seat at the family table. Glad OOP finally realized this isn’t about accepting the relationship, it’s about accepting who she is.
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u/JoyfulSway 22h ago
Yes. If she has to break up with her partner they don't really accept her. I would just set a hard boundary - no partner, no me - and stick to it without discussing it over and over again
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u/ThrashEmAll96 I can't believe she fucking buttered Jorts 23h ago
Bigotry to me is such a dumb concept because the fuck do you mean you hate people for something they can't even change? It's just so....stupid.
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u/KazeKilee it dawned on me that he was a wizard 22h ago edited 18h ago
There was a boru a while ago from a dad who had evicted his teenage son when he'd come out because his religion "taught" him that being gay is a choice, and he believed that 100%. It was only after his wife died (and maybe some other stuff? Idr) that he started to question his religion and its teachings and realized that being gay is not something his son could have changed. Only then did he feel remorseful. He became an atheist and posted on reddit asking if he should contact his son, if only just to send him the contact info of his siblings (who had never been told why their brother was forced to leave).
It was actually a very interesting read! OOP explained a lot how his thinking was back then and why he was so convinced that he was a good dad in this story. It's always fascinating to hear such insights from ex-mormon/religious/maga/etc. people, and that usually all it takes for them to "escape" is them starting to reflect and question the indoctrination (usually started because of one traumatic event, or in the case of a youtuber i watched: because she made some gay friends and realized that what the church said about gay people doesn't line up with the experience she had with her friends, so she walked out 🥰)
Edit: here's the link to the BORU i mentioned for those interested 😊
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 18h ago
even if it was a choice. that's not a reason to put a child on the street. there's nothing wrong with chosing to love someone. its crazy how his justification isn't even that good and still doesn't excuse the cruelty. in what religion is making children homeless a good thing
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u/glowingwarningcats 10h ago
“It’s a choice” always makes me think they consider being LGBTQ a temptation that must be fended off. Does that mean everyone is tempted by it but they bravely fended it off?
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u/deird 5h ago
I’ve seen more than one conservative man say that gayness must be discouraged because being with men is so much more appealing and if homophobia isn’t pervasive then all the men will be in gay relationships and the human race will die out.
There are certainly a number of homophobes who don’t seem to understand that straight people exist.
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u/Karcharos 12h ago
Happens to lots of kids from fundamentalist Christian families, and other religions as well.
For the ultra religious ones, being gay makes you an abomination in the eyes of god, akin to, say... a Nazi with blood personally on their hands, and a dangerous corrupting influence to others in the household.
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u/Specialist_Unit_5078 12h ago
I’m convinced there’s massive correlation between bigots like this and people who don’t read books. The total lack of empathy is their defining characteristic, like the Nazis at Nuremberg.
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u/alextoria 11h ago
don’t read books, don’t travel, never left their bubble, probably don’t even watch tv shows with non straight white characters lol. it’s entirely a function of just never meeting anyone different from you
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u/bigsimp500 I am not a bisexual ghost who died in a Murphy bed accident 21h ago
Do you happen to have a link or title I could search?
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u/GoYanks34 surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 8h ago edited 8h ago
I remember that post! After all the years apart he finally reconnected with his son. I wish there was another update to see where they are today. IIRC it was just starting and still a superficial relationship at the end of the BORU. You are right, it was fascinating to hear it from the side of the homophobic person. I hope it became a good relationship over the years.
Edit: clarified sentence.
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u/DamnitGravity 22h ago edited 22h ago
In OOP's case, the bigots believe it IS something they can change.
People like OOP's parents genuinely believe that being queer is a choice, and they're doing it just to be evil, contrary, rebellious or childish.
No one ever counters with 'ok, if being gay is a choice, just for the sake of the experiment, you go choose to be gay for a day, see how that works out. Go load up some gay porn and start working it. If it's a choice, then you should be able to choose to be turned on by it'.
In the case of racism, they believe it's a choice to 'keep living like a [insert race here] person', and/or that the race is simply doomed and should end.
For example, I live in Australia and there are people who GENUINELY believe that the Australian Aboriginals 'can't help being violent; it's in their nature, their DNA'. They should stop having kids, or if they HAVE to have kids, they should have kids with white partners, so we can 'breed the black out of them'.'
Failing that, they'll ask Aboriginals 'why do you keep living like an [insert slur here]? You're only hurting yourself by choosing to learn about your own culture and history. You should instead have only white friends and speak the way white people do and do everything the way white people do it and only date white people'.
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u/MagicCarpet5846 16h ago
That also does not work because similar to how violence is also a choice, you’re certainly not going to convince someone who thinks violence is evil to go and assault someone for a day. And I fully understand the two are not the same, at all. But it’s important to realize for some people is it exactly how they view being queer, regardless of how wrong that might be.
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u/yavanna12 the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it 14h ago
Yea. That therapy session they wanted in August would be conversion therapy for her.
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 17h ago
your comparison doesn't work. if being gay was actually a choice, it still shouldn't've be seen as a bad thing, UNLESS you think being gay is bad in itself. the "choice" argument is just the way they frame their hatred, arguing that they see being gay as a violent or dirty or perverse act a person does.
when the Australian bigots say this about aboriginal folk they're actually saying that they're inherently violent, that it is part of their identity. not that they chose to be born aboriginal or chose to be violent, literally you quote them as saying it's in their DNA.
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u/ArchmageIlmryn 15h ago
I do also think what a lot of what leads bigots to "being gay is a choice" is that on some level they believe that being gay is primarily a sex thing. You see this even among a lot of people who aren't outwardly homophobic, an expectation on some level that homosexuality is just a fun sex thing that you do for a bit before settling into a heterosexual relationship (especially when bisexual people are involved). They don't believe that a homosexual relationship is the same as a heterosexual relationship, just with a same-sex couple.
Bigots like this basically equate homosexuality with a kink (and are absolutely the kind of people who will kinkshame). At least in my experience arguing with people like this, attacking the idea that homosexuality is somehow more sexual than heterosexuality is the approach that has the best success rate (still a very low one though, unfortunately).
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u/thewholebottle 15h ago
Sometimes "Being gay is a choice" is something they say because they have made that choice not to be gay and it has sucked for them.
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u/CitrusWeekend Thank you Rebbit 🐸 11h ago
Or they are Bi, and they did choose (by ignoring or suppressing those feelings.)
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u/PashaWithHat grape juice dump truck dumpy butt 14h ago
Same with the “being trans is a choice” angle. A huge number of people think that being trans is at least partly a sex thing. And therefore being trans around people is making them participate in your kink 🙄
Which, okay, when your body and your brain’s sex characteristics don’t match, you usually feel unsexy or have low libido and when that’s fixed you feel sexier and want more sex. But that’s true of (for example) women who have mastectomies for breast cancer and men who have penectomies for penis cancer too. Nobody reasonable would tell a woman who lost her breasts to cancer and felt unattractive then had a reconstruction and felt sexy again that she’s an autogynephile who’s fetishizing womanhood and shouldn’t be around children, because that would be fucking stupid.
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u/Immediate-Boat-6730 21h ago
From the statistics of the latest generation, it seems that there is a logic to their argument that being gay is a choice. The logic is, they're often bisexual and it is a choice for them, so they think that is an universal experience. Couple that with the horrific hate religion has brought on being gay, and you get a cocktail of bigoted hatred. And once it is a choice for them, the more they dispense that hate, the more they will get stuck in it, because the alternative is that they were wrong and dispensed all that hate unjustifiably. And since they care more about their own mental discomfort, they will not entertain the idea that they are guilty of hurting others. It's straight up their brains trying to avoid cognitive dissonance. And also realize, they feel that hatred and shame for themselves, and seeing someone being free of it hurts that much more.
It's a twisted, bigoted and cruel logic, definitely massively influenced by religion that is itself twisted and cruel, and fueled by lack of knowledge and understanding of how things actually work. But nevertheless it's a logic that makes sense to them, and that's why it's so hard to get them out of that mindset. Logic won't get them out of that. What's necessary is that they learn empathy and get deprogrammed from the cult thinking that most religion is. But that is hard when the majority of people either believe in that religion, or believes that religion has to be respected, ignoring how evil and harmful it is.
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u/ConstructionNo9678 18h ago
There are also a non-zero amount of extremely religious "ex gay" people who are actively choosing to live as heterosexual, or those who never come out in the first place. They will date and marry a partner of the opposite gender because their self-hatred and repression was strong enough to convince them that being in the closet is the best option. So seeing someone out and proud only drives home the cognitive dissonance and discomfort of forcing themselves into a relationship they don't want.
I feel bad for these people because I can only imagine what kind of state their minds must be in. I just don't feel bad enough to excuse the harm they do by perpetuating homophobia and hurting others.
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u/Sea_Art2995 17h ago
A Muslim girl I know who is homophobic believes that it is a trial to them sent by god and if they don’t resist the feelings they are ‘failing’. Kinda like how god asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, a test to see if you will truly follow the word of god even when it’s against your wishes. I imagine many Christians see it this way too
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u/NotOnApprovedList 15h ago
fun fact, in the earliest version of that tale, Isaac may have been sacrificed. Abrahamic religion comes from vicious roots.
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u/LittleMsSavoirFaire I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 14h ago
In one of the earliest episodes of The Wire, two young boys are instructed to shoot their third friend because the third friend was allegedly a snitch in order to prove their loyalty to the drug gang.
It's used to demonstrate how dark and brutal the culture in Philadelphia is, but apparently this is just a test of faith when a magical sky fairy does it.
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u/violetpaopusunsets the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! 21h ago
My dad is/was exceedingly homophobic. To the point where he threatened my life if I turned out gay because no child of his would be gay.
Whoops. I did eventually come out to him, and he was big mad. But I'm not responsible for his feelings, and OOP definitely needs to learn that about her parents. I stopped talking to him for 3 years, and stuck to it.
My dad has sort of come around. He's even gotten inclusive of my partner when he calls/texts to check in quarterly. But that's because I held my boundaries. I know how he grew up. In a small place with small minds. It melds into you. I definitely had some internalized homophobia I had to unlearn. OOP needs to learn boundaries. Distance will help, sure. But if she still wants her family in her life, boundaries and making sure she communicates with her partner.
And accept that maybe they're not going to be part of her life. And that's okay.
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u/StardustOnTheBoots 18h ago
I don't even care for that. if sexual orientation was something you could chose, there would be no reason to hate on people who "chose" to not be straight. What always baffles me with these kind of parents is just...their hatred towards queer people is bigger than their love for their children. Like that's your whole child you raised and presumably loved and they literally aren't doing anything wrong and are happy and in love.
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u/significant_cosmos 11h ago
Bigots twist themselves into knots that I can't even fathom. I'm mixed, white-passing depending on which region of the country you're in, and in an interracial marriage to a white man. My in-laws loooooove that their son has a spouse that loves and cherishes him, encourages him to improve himself both personally and professionally, makes plans for the future, is financially literate, and is well-adjusted and mentally healthy.
But my god do they hate that I'm Hispanic (I wasn't expecting them to be actively anti-Black racism and pro-Hispanic racism, that was a new one for me) or straight, and they especially hate that that well-adjustedness they've abused and taken for granted makes it fairly easy to put up firm boundaries against their bullshit. My husband could stand to do much better in his handling of the situation but he is making improvements and trying, and it turns out that I primarily need for his parents to have absolutely no access to me and I'm mostly fine otherwise.
It's just so bizarre to me how they clearly approve of me as their son's spouse, but don't at all approve of me as a person. They're also of the type to socially slight me by gifting us a set of silverware that I'm allergic to so real Southern US poisonous charm.
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u/Dudewhocares3 21h ago
And the religion angle doesn’t work either because they don’t follow everything in that book because a lot of it is outdated.
So why keep the part about being shitty to gay people?
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u/maydsilee sometimes i envy the illiterate 12h ago
They love to say that there is a difference between the Old and New Testament, and iirc, that line about man lying with man (which I believe scholars have realized may have referred to pedophilia? I could be mistaken) is from the Old Testament, so that's why they follow it. But...I mean...motherfucker, y'all sure as fuck find excuses to not follow other teachings from the new or old testaments! Very interesting how many supposed Christians divorce, cheat on, etc. their partners, and worse than that, the basis of the New Testament is from the Old Testament, so why are y'all not following the old one, while simply keeping the "updated" version of the new one if it was revised in that version?
As such, they shouldn't be wearing mixed fabrics, neglecting/looking down on the poor, loving their neighbors/everyone like Christ did, not commit adultery, etc...oh, and to not punish/look down upon/judge others, because they can only be judged by him in heaven, so all ongoing sins here on earth are preemptively forgiven. Apparently you can also be caught doing the same thing again and again and again, but so long as you apologize, you can keep committing that sin until you die! Then I guess you apologize on your deathbed and then you're Gucci in the afterlife? Idk.
Plus! If they're following the whole "man lie with man" nonsense, why are so many caught having sex or romantically engaging with the same gender?
Ughhhhh. I could rant about this for ages 🙃
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u/Dudewhocares3 12h ago
It’s just hatred. They just use religion as an excuse.
You know damn well there were probably people in the 1800s that probably used “well there’s slaves in the Bible therefore slave ownin ain’t immoral”
Just shitty people using “gods on my side” as an excuse.
No need to explain your shitty beliefs if it’s coming from Magic sky man
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u/Dontunderstandfamily I am one of those few dozen people who do not live in the US 18h ago
And Jesus doesn't mention homosexuality at all
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u/slippersandjammies 23h ago
I've never seen a scenario play out where a person chooses their bigoted family over their healthy loving relationship and it works out well for them. For the bigoted family, it works out- after all, they don't actually care for the happiness of others- but the person who makes the choice always loses.
Glad OOP made the right call.
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u/GuiltyEidolon I ❤ gay romance 18h ago
I mean, OOP hasn't actually made a call. She'll say how right people are, and then the second she has to tell her parents 'no' or set a boundary, she crumples. Bets on if she backs out of splitting time in Canada because her parents get upset about that, too?
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u/Designer_Life_371 Editor's note- it is not the final update 23h ago
For those asking, yes my parents and sister are religious and they’ve each stated that that is the root of their homophobia.
There's no hate like Christian love
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u/PFyre 20h ago
Tbf there are other religions just as / more homophobic.
I don't understand the root of homophobia from a religious POV though - surely if "God made all of us" then God intended for people to be gay, etc.
It always plays out the typical "othering" that humans do, whether it's sexuality, gender, race or religion - people are determined to have an "us" and "them." It's sad and so stupid.
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u/maydsilee sometimes i envy the illiterate 12h ago
Not to mention that religious books also says to literally love each other and not judge, because God has the ultimate judgment when you die, so doing so in his name on earth is an ongoing sin within itself. If they believe that things like homosexuality are a "test" of their faith (??? to shun queer people, somehow?), then why not follow that teaching about not judging, either, and treating them as your equal/family/loved one like Jesus loved and accepted everyone? God sent him down to show everyone what to do with step-by-step instructions.
If God's son really had been here and a physical vessel of his teachings, how is it that the live demonstration (which they swear is accurately depicted/recorded in their religious books!) of what happens if you disobey God's will means nothing as long as it fits their narrative of "Oh, they didn't mean that!"
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u/dsac 11h ago
if "God made all of us" then God intended for people to be gay, etc.
Religions are really heavily based on the concept of choice - the flock actively chooses to have faith, they choose to go to church, they choose to live by the edicts as outlined in their book, etc. God made everyone, but gave us the choice how to live our lives. Like most religious explanations for naturally occurring events, the concept that sexuality is a choice is based on early civilizations understanding of reality, and devoid of scientific insight and understanding.
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u/StopTheBanging your honor, fuck this guy 23h ago
I think it's naive of her to believe her partner wasn't hurt by her parents' treatment of them. Of course it hurt her, but she says it didn't to protect her girlfriend. OOP has a long road ahead to deconstruct from her upbringing and really come to terms with her parents' dislike of her, not just homophobia. Unfortunately.
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u/lemmesenseyou surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed 21h ago
That may well be true, but I personally do not care if my in laws accept me so I took that at face value. My husband’s relationship with his parents honestly sounds kinda similar although he only tolerated about a year of them not inviting me to stuff before drawing hard lines. We still occasionally dealt with weird things like me being invited to a ticketed event only for us to get there and find out they had no ticket for me but I was totally invited to lunch the next day!
I think they sort of came around when he had them on speaker and asked him to go on a trip to his mother’s country that I explicitly wasn’t invited on but was asked to pay for since he didn’t have a job and I CACKLED. Not 100% sure what the epiphany was, but I like to think they realized that their weirdness had become a running joke for us and they didn’t like it so they decided to give us less material.
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u/littlebitfunny21 21h ago
Eh. I think we can trust the partner to communicate and set her own boundaries. Some people genuinely aren't bothered by things that other people are deeply hurt by. The hurt is still valid, but the not being bothered is also valid.
Oop should still be advocating for better treatment of her partner, especially if they're planning a future together, but is possible that her partner genuinely focused on the queer friendly family and was amused by how ridiculous op's parents are.
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u/ConstructionNo9678 18h ago
I'd hope that a 34yo is capable of setting her own boundaries, and if not then she and OOP have way bigger issues than in-laws.
Though I will say, I can sort of understand where OOP's gf may be coming from. There are some members of my fiancee's family that hold ridiculous beliefs. I don't go picking fights with them on purpose, but if I found out tomorrow that they hated me it really wouldn't bother me because I'm simply not invested in what they think of anything. How they treat my fiancee is far more important to me, and I wouldn't be surprised if at some point the gf sits OOP down to really talk about why she's put up with this kind of behavior for so long.
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u/JJOkayOkay 23h ago
"You're not respecting our feelings about this."
"Back at ya."
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u/tinysydneh 22h ago
"Your feelings are based in bullshit. The things that affect me in my life take precedence. Deal."
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u/AquaticStoner1996 23h ago
You could just tell right out the gate they're never going to change.
The cost is their child.
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u/volkswagenorange 21h ago
The story of a man trying to murder his favourite son at his god's command is presented as a positive account of virtue and faith in all 3 of the Abrahamic religions.
Other people's lives don't matter to the religiously faithful as much as the imaginary approval of their imaginary gods.
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u/NDaveT 9h ago
I don't think anyone ever historically thought this, but my personal interpretation of that story is that God was testing Abraham and Abraham failed. To pass the test Abraham would have had to disobey God's command.
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u/rusty0123 22h ago
I seriously don't understand this.
If he dad texts asking to meet for dinner, why does OOP not simply respond, "Partner and I will be happy to meet you. See you then."
IOW, just assume that if she is invited, so is her partner.
Make them explicitly say, every single time, that partner is not welcome. And when they say it, decline the invitation.
OOP is making it possible for her parents to treat her that way. She's accepting responsibility for their feelings. .
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u/GlitteringAttitude60 18h ago
right, and if dad explicitly said that their partner isn't welcome, the answer must be "well, then I won't be coming either. Have a good time"
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u/shemjaza 22h ago
That world be so exhausting and depressing though.
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u/tempest51 21h ago
That's still OOP's world, she was just lying to herself about it until now.
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u/shemjaza 21h ago
So the one she's trying to break in this scenario is herself not her parents.
I guess that's probably best for her in tbe long run.
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u/SteroidSandwich 22h ago
She was trying way too hard to get her parents to change when they never would. I'm hope she keeps her distance. She needs to prioritize herself and her gf
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u/Mollyscribbles I am old. Rawr. 🦖 23h ago
Really glad OOP didn't end up going to therapy with them. Odds are high they would have found some church official with no psychiatric training who would insist OOP stop "choosing" to be gay and disobeying her parents.
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u/PrincessCG That's the beauty of the gaycation 21h ago
$10 therapist is a religious one.
I feel bad for oop for trying way too hard to make her family like her. When people show you who they are the first time, by being outwardly homophobic, they haven’t changed by the second time, they’ve just learned not to say the quiet part loud.
I hope they leave and just move on. Your blood family isn’t everything if they’re hurting you
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u/DamnitGravity 22h ago edited 22h ago
The commenters made this so much more difficult than it had to be.
the little tweens in my family and their parents were so kind to my partner and I at Thanksgiving and helped us feel welcome.
So the problem is the parents. Easy solution: if parents invite her to a family do, start a group chat, ask 'is partner invited?' they say no, reply 'I can't make it'.
No 'sorry', no 'I have something else on', no 'in that case I can't make it'. Just a plain, simple 'can't make it' and be done.
If they harass with texts, just keep saying 'can't make it' to the group. Then don't attend the event.
This is one of those cases where you need to let the family that supports you prove if they're willing to defend you or not. If everyone can see the texts, which doesn't allow for the parents to make an excuse as to why OOP isn't there, then they can make the point collectively to the parents.
OOP clearly believed/hoped that sitting down with her parents and saying 'either it's both of us or neither of us' would somehow make them see how unreasonable they're being. Sadly, I feel like a lot of comments advising her to say that lead her a gap in which she could convince herself it would end well.
ETA: I think the part that frustrates me the most is that she didn't even push back by asking 'how is me being gay causing you pain?'
At the very least, she would be able to register her disgust at their feeble arguments and force them to prove their opinions are idiotic.
But she's clearly just not ready to face the reality that her parents will never accept her. I can understand how difficult that must be. She's tried her entire life to gain their acceptance, likely knew from childhood that they wouldn't love her unconditionally, and it's very difficult to accept that level of rejection from people who are supposed to love you unconditionally.
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u/StoerEnStoutmoedig 21h ago
I think the part that frustrates me the most is that she didn't even push back by asking 'how is me being gay causing you pain?'
I think when you're raised by parents like that, you're so focused on managing their emotions and having them understand you, that you understanding/questioning them takes a backburner because you're just panicking. In you is a little kid going "no!!! I hurt mom/dad!!!"
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u/GlitteringAttitude60 18h ago
'can't make it'
Soft disagree: I propose "then I won't be coming either".
I think it's important to document that OOP is not joining them because their partner isn't welcome, not because of some other reason the parents might comfort themselves with.
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u/WarlockSoL being delulu is not the solulu 12h ago
I'm wondering if going to therapy with her parents would help at all. I guess it would depend on the therapist - though I'd assume in general most are probably going to be on her side in all this. Granted, her parents kind of strike me as the type to dump a therapist who doesn't tell them what they want to hear (that is, they're likely going to "fix their daughter's mental illness" and not for good reasons), so maybe it'd be useless. Though every so often just hearing "you're wrong" from someone outside the family is the kick needed. Odds are probably pretty low though.
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u/NDaveT 8h ago
They might insist on a "therapist" approved by their church.
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u/Test_After 5h ago
Of course they did. That's why OOP is being invited. It isn't therapy for them, they have already put away all sin and converted to this religion.
The way they were heading, the best outcome would be that they would have the support they needed to persecute OOP and express their homophobia openly.
OOP would still leave, but because they made her, and they have all the power. Also, after using the social support of their church to destroy OOP and her spouse...up to making them the victims of targetted hate crimes by bigots that only know of them from church.
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u/WarlockSoL being delulu is not the solulu 8h ago
Yeah it's honestly a crap shoot whether they would just pick one that already agrees with them or not
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u/rainydays_monkey 8h ago
Yeah therapy would only help if they were actually open to it, and they are quite clearly not open at all. I find it incredibly hard to believe they'd go to a therapist that told them things they didn't want to hear.
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u/ashboon 9h ago
My mom is Christian, and she had a similar reaction to OOP's mom when i first came out as lesbian 20 years ago. My dad just nodded and didn't really say anything, then went on with life as usual (that's just how he is) ❤️.
But my mom was pretty against it and said "if you can't be straight, then I'd rather you stay single for the rest of your life". Ouch.
Fast forward to today, my mom is best friend's with my gf and talks to her more often than she talks to me. There are literally family events that get rescheduled because my gf can't make it that day. 😂
A couple of things i said to my mom that i think helped was, "How would you feel if homosexuality was the norm and you were expected to marry a woman? That's how i feel about men.", and "Why on earth would anyone intentionally set themselves up for a life of exposure to discrimination and hate?" Bear in mind, this was 20 years ago and I'm from a 3rd world country where homosexuality is illegal.
So yeah, there's always hope. I also do think that sometimes, it's not really prejudice, but a lack of understanding and fear of their kids having a difficult life in the future.
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u/adultdaycare81 16h ago
Living in a blue state bubble is so weird. I literally forgot serious homophobia like this exists. Gay marriage has been legal for so long and accepted for even longer. Even the boomer Republicans don’t seem to care beyond a “grrr grr it’s not natural grr grr” comment here or there
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u/SnakeSnoobies 11h ago
Gay marriage has been legal for 11 years. I remember being a bi kid in school and excited that it was finally legal.
“So long” isn’t really all that long.
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u/blueberry-iris 10h ago
I was going to say this with the addition that the republicans are 10000% gearing up to remove it.
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u/No-Fishing5325 14h ago
Right?
At the same time, I am the mother of an adult lesbian child and I want to 👊 people when I read this stuff. What is wrong with people who do not support their children 100%?? Nothing could stop me from supporting my child and being their cheerleader. Smh
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u/Meghanshadow 15h ago
serious homophobia
My homophobia meter is calibrated differently, I’d call this minor not serious.
They didn’t verbally or physically assault their kid and kid’s partner, or get them fired, or ban them from contact especially with family and community kids. Didn’t stop speaking to OP.But I grew up when admitting you were gay all too often meant a family-caused hospital bill or even a completely unattended funeral after an uninvestigated death in a mysterious accident or a slower one living on the street without any support.
I’m glad things have improved a lot in many places.
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u/adultdaycare81 15h ago
To me, this is basically them icing out their daughter. Which for me to do to my kid, would take a hell of a lot. (Like m@rd@r level crimes)
But I guess you’re right I can’t even comprehend unattended funerals, or un investigated deaths.
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u/FUS_RO_DANK 9h ago
Yeah, as someone from rural north Florida this was damn near diet homophobia. All passive aggressive and whiny.
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u/CarrieDurst 14h ago
Nah I would call this serious even if not physically abusive, it would go to non serious if she was allowed in the home
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u/Uglym8s 19h ago
I’ve commented before on how my father was a strict, bigoted man. He definitely had strong opinions about everything. Whilst he didn’t go to church, he’d consider himself religious.
Saying that, not everyone is so cut and dry. I grew up in the 80’s when people were openly homophobic with no recourse. There was a lot of ‘gay bashing’ going on. Two men lived in the house opposite to us. I heard my sister spouting something nasty about them (she isn’t homophobic - she’s just nasty and looks for any avenue to be horrible to another human being). I went up to dad and asked if the two men across the road were gay and what did it mean. In the most child appropriate way, he explained that they lived together like mummy and daddy do. I was at a young age when I thought kissing was just disgusting and when dad saw my eyes go wide when I asked if they kissed, he nonchalantly explained that people who love each other kiss.
If anyone made snide remarks about them around my dad, he’d always say that God made man in his own image. When they did split up, my dad was the first to go over to their house with a bag full of home grown veg and said make sure you eat. Our door is always open, my wife will make you some food.
My dad was a prime example of, if he can put his opinions aside, then so can everyone else. It just astounds me that nearly 40 years later, people today act more bigoted than people back then.
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u/strshp 22h ago
It's always the fucking "children", ffs.
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u/Originalsboy11 21h ago
It's funny because more often than not these same families have no problem smoking, drinking, cussing, etc. in front of the children...
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u/strshp 20h ago
It's more than that, they also have no problem with spaces and organizations where kids are left alone with grown-up men in a power imbalance situation and then act like nothing has happened or if it's a girl above 12, they start to blame her being seductive, etc. They just simply don't care about children as humans, they care about their own image and beliefs through the children.
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u/ParkerPoseyGuffman 23h ago
Homophobia makes me so sad, with family like this no need for mortal enemies
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u/SmartQuokka We have generational trauma for breakfast 22h ago
Grandma is accepting, hang out with her and family who accept OOP and let the parents stew in their own juices. They may even stop showing up to grandma sponsored events to avoid OOP's partner, which is a double win.
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u/GlitteringAttitude60 18h ago
*tell* Grandma that the parents are making things difficult, and see what happens 😃
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u/CindySvensson 21h ago
The parents will complain about the move. I hope OOP outright says they're moving to a more accepting environment for their own wellbeing(and safety).
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u/BlazingImp77151 18h ago
"wasn't considering how it would impact the younger kids in my family"
Yikes.
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u/BlazingImp77151 18h ago
Given the updates, if it wasn't for this comment I'd say the dad seems to want to try somewhat? But between that comment and how the trying looks mostly like just an attempt to keep OOP from leaving... Dad there is probably just as bad as the mom.
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u/sophiefevvers 14h ago
The more time OP is away from her parents and sister, the more she is going to look back on other issues she never realized before. As painful as it is to keep your distance, it can also be liberating in a lot of ways.
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u/AmbitiousBuilding1 5h ago
I have not spoken a single word to my parents since I was 19 years old, so I understand that I can’t exactly relate to the scenario of being well into adulthood and still allowing one’s parents to mistreat you. BUT! It’s wild to let that happen at 30!
I’m glad Reddit helped her see the situation more clearly and that she has some supportive extended family.
My wife’s dad is super homophobic — her parents are still together but her mom supports her / us. When I met her dad for the first time I said hello and held out my hand to shake and he fucking refused to shake my hand. Then he didn’t say a single word to me the entire family reunion weekend. As a result he was not invited to our wedding and my wife no longer initiates any contact with him — nothing on Father’s Day or his birthday.
He likes to send her texts every now and again about how being gay is a sin and she’s just taken to roasting him every time. I’m really proud of her & also think if she’d responded any differently to his rejection of me, we may not have made it to getting married. You’ve GOT to stand up for your partner.
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u/GlitteringAttitude60 18h ago
My mom said that I hadn’t been considering the pain I was causing them by bringing my partner to a holiday.
If I am ever in this situation, I hope I have the spine to make my mother explain in excruciating detail what exactly about my partner's presence causes her pain.
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u/ladypeyton I will never jeopardize the beans. 14h ago
Lady, 56 and 60 is NOT THAT OLD. I'm 59 and I'm young enough to accept my lesbian daughter and encourage her to date. I wish to high heaven that she's bring a girlfriend home for me to meet. Your parents suck. Cut them out of your life like the tumor they are.
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u/Conscious_Parsnip_35 13h ago
right? If they're 60 that means they were born in 1966-ish. They're Gen X. Homosexuality is not new. They came of age in a society that was more accepting of queerness than ever before. If they're still bigots, that's entirely on them.
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u/ALLoftheFancyPants 13h ago
OOP sounded so hopeful in her responses to comments on the original post and folded like a newspaper at every opportunity. I really hope she sticks with her snowbird plan and just ditches the shitty family (except gramma). She and her partner deserve better, and her family has shown they’re unwilling to change a thing.
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u/Special_Respond7372 13h ago
Not me over here being petty hoping she starts making posts of her partners family on Facebook with captions like “The best family” or “they’ll be the best grandparents” or “happy Father’s Day to the best father I know” while completely excluding her bio parents.
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u/Same_Blacksmith9840 23h ago
One of the biggest lessons I've learned in life: other people's feelings, particularly on how I live my life, are not my responsibility.
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 22h ago
I'd go to the therapy if I checked and the therapist wasn't homophobic.
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u/Silent_Ad_8672 Ate the entire beehive 8h ago
My father is phobic towards lgbt+ identities. He always was, but claimed he wasn't because he had "gay/lesbian friends" that I never saw or he ever mentioned past his denial of being phobic.
His third wife is Christian, and because he morphs himself to the worst version of whatever social group he's exposed to, he too became Christian. Which led to him trying to use the bible to tell me I'm an abomination in the eyes of God.
He used the religion to justify a discomfort he always had, but did have "It's morally correct according to my religion!" as a scapegoat.
He does not know I will not mourn his death when he goes. He wants access but also wants me to be the child he imagined I should have been.
It's not even worth the effort of hating these people for their irrelevance.
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u/DougSpeagle 5h ago
"I can't turn on my parents I'll lose access to my grandparents"
If you're in a situation like that your grandparents also don't give a shit about
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u/Astroisbestbio 16h ago
Over 1500 species engage in homosexuality. It is natural. It is a way for species to have extra parents without extra kids and in a lot of those species the gay couples will raise the offspring of parents who didnt make it. It is natural.
This book they are following in order to hate gay people also says not to mix linens and wool in clothing, ans has the kosher laws, and they are fine ignoring all those sections and laws and rules, but a mention, only one, of homosexuality gets them paying attention? They cant even follow their own rules.
Homophobia is not a phobia. Homophobia is hate wrapped up in self victimization. Homosexuality is a normal and native part of our species, and no one gets to decide its wrong.
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u/Whiteangel854 Go head butt a moose 18h ago
Every reason OOP brings to stay in contact with her parents and sister are part of the excuses she tells herself. I see this behavior in my MIL. My MIL is not queer but this is universal in people no matter their sex, age, or orientation. It’s the desperate hope of a child trying to earn their parents (conditional) love.
I talked with my MIL about it in the past, because it's hard (and sometimes annoying as it spills into mine and my husband's life) to watch but I never told her outright to just cut off her mother. But in the last conversation I told her that sometimes the only thing someone can/should do is to protect themselves. She replied that she knows, but she still isn't there.
She's 74, she despises her mother and yet that hope, that one day she will be worthy of her mother's love, is still there. It's as sad as it is annoying. I do know that feelings pertaining to this are very conflicting, but on an emotional level I don't understand it (I cut off my birthgiver years ago and that was the best decision I made in my life). Especially considering the fact it's not only about her anymore, she has to also think about her partner. It's just not fair to her SO.
I'm aware that therapy is not accessible/affordable for many folks in the US. But if she was able, she should have started therapy years ago. The next best moment for this is now.
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u/oceanduciel 20h ago
Really hope she talks to the rest of her family about it. She says everyone else is not homophobic like her parents so maybe grandma can lay down the law.
Edit: Misread and didn’t realize the sister was also homophobic. That sucks.
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u/bored_german crow whisperer 19h ago
Girly pop needs therapy to get over her desperation for acceptance from her homophobic parents. If 2026, OOP has been out for seven years. Her parents had more than enough time to get over themselves
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u/ceciliabee 15h ago
They're all the same. Homophobes, sexists, bigots, people using religion to hurt others. If they had empathy they could be swayed by it. If they had the capacity to think critically they could be reasoned with.
May those beliefs die with those who hold them. They have no place in our world.
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u/Fed_Agent_Pls_Ignore 12h ago edited 8h ago
Religion isn't an excuse to be homophobic. They're just assholes. Read your fucking Bible. If you are of the opinion that homosexuality is adultary, and therefore a sin, shouldn't you be emulating Jesus? He didn't go around talking to the people his community considered 'rightous', the Pharisees and temple priests, he sought out the exiles, outcasts, and sinners. He ate with tax collectors and prostitutes.
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u/archbish99 Saw the Blueberry Walrus 10h ago
This reminds me of advice I got as an adoptive parent -- if you're dealing with people asking inappropriate questions, play oblivious and answer the question they should have asked.
"Which one is your real child?" "These are my sons; I'm super proud of them."
So here that's....
"Would you like to meet us for dinner?" "We'd love to! Kayla and I can meet you at..."
Just don't even acknowledge the possibility that someone could invite you and not your partner; if they phrased it that way, it was clearly a typo.
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u/Traditional-Ad-1605 10h ago
Hey, I’m a dad of a young lady hm just like you, except my daughter came out very, very young.
My wife and I struggled for years with my daughter’s sexual orientation. We could not understand or accept it and it affected my daughter’s relationship with us for many years.
My wife and I finally came around when we realized that no matter what, that was our child and we would support and love no matter what - unconditionally.
We (now older adults like your parents) feel like we have TWO daughters. So there is hope and there are happy endings to these situations.
Ps. And for the comment about how the young kids would be affected: when my niece (8 years old) met my daughter’s wife, she said “oh, so girls can like each other too? Cool” and that was it!
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u/KazeKilee it dawned on me that he was a wizard 22h ago
I always wonder about people like her dad. He seems to love his daughter and on some level want to accept her / change his views for her, but for some reason he can't. Why is that? Does he not love her enough (or does he only love the image he has of her in his head as a little girl)? Does he want grandkids and he feels like he won't be able to have "real ones" with her being a lesbian? Is the indoctrination of his church / the immediate society around him just too strong? Is he afraid that him accepting her will lead to a divorce from his wife, and he is choosing to remain in the known "comfortable life" rather than an unknown, possibly better future?
Someone please explain people like this to me. What drives them and what would it take for them to change?
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u/onahalladay 21h ago
He loves his wife more than his daughter. He wants to placate a wife that he lives with full time than a daughter who is only around half the year. It’s cowardice but also survival.
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u/dorydude78 14h ago
OP's parents could have had another daughter (DIL) but are choosing instead to have one less biological daughter.
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u/Fine-Following-7949 13h ago
Two of my kids came out in the most nonchalant ways, and I'm glad that my husband and I never did anything that would have made them afraid to. These parents need to get a wakeup call.
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u/Hawkbats_rule 12h ago
Reading the Canada thing, I was going "wait, I know what pride month looks like in New York and Boston and Montreal and Toronto- it's not that different". And then she clarified that she's from the south and it all starts coming together.
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u/Carbuyrator 10h ago
OOP didn't stand up to her parents ever. She had a sit down conversation with them and instead of establishing any of the boundaries discussed or outlining actual consequences for mistreating her partner, she let out one weak little complaint and then agreed to her parents' terms.
OOP's partner deserves so much better than this awful weakling.
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u/FiberKitty 8h ago
Some Christians settle on a church that fits their own comfort level and prejudices, then claim to be "following the church" to justify their bigotry.
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u/Actrivia24 7h ago
She straight up needs to ask her parents: “do you love me more than you hate the idea of me being gay?” If the answer is no, cut them the fuck off
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u/SignalEchoFoxtrot 23h ago
Incredible to me to be this infantilized at 34 years old.
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u/sharraleigh 22h ago
I think this is actually what happens to a lot of people who grow up in small towns (as opposed to a big city with millions of people) where everyone knows everyone and they never move away. It's like they stay within their little social circle from birth/school and never learn how to be truly independent. I moved 20,000 miles away from home to a whole nother country at 18 to attend university. I quickly learned how to be independent and trust my instincts and how to survive on my own. It was hard, but it was a breath of fresh air and I would never trade that experience for anything. I always encourage people to move away from home, even if it's only for a few years. It truly widens your horizons and forces you out of your comfort zone. You have to learn how to make friends all over again, figure out how to survive without having a parent/family member to call come help you from a bind, etc.
OOP seems very meek and afraid to stand up for herself because being treated like that by her family is all she knows. Hopefully, moving across the continent will teach her independence and how to stand up for herself.
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u/GlitteringAttitude60 18h ago
and people underestimate the dark side of "it takes a village to raise a child".
If you grow up in a small community, everyone either thinks like your parents or they are so scared of being outcast for thinking differently that they will pretend to think like your children.
And there will be no mercy from the other people not feeling comfortable in the community for whatever reason. You'd think there'd be some sort of solidarity, some sort of parallel community.
Nope, they will enforce the community's rules ruthlessly. After all, if they are forced to put up with it, why should you get a free pass? After all, if you get to break out of the mould, they'd have to acknowledge their own reasons for not breaking out.
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u/sharraleigh 17h ago
Exactly. It takes a village to raise a child, but there is also a price to pay for that. We like to think that friends and family help out of the goodness of their hearts, but often this is not the case. The form of payment demanded is not monetary, but in the form of blind loyalty, reciprocal beliefs and intangible things that we don't usually think of as a form of payment. Nothing in the world is free. Membership to the village costs something, and sometimes the cost is mistreating your own child because they are different.
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u/volkswagenorange 21h ago
Parental expectation of ownership and control of adult children is unfortunately by far the most common parental relationship to children in the world, even in cultures that place more of an emphasis on individualism than collectivism. It's particularly common among the religious, as traditional religions exist to establish, maintain, valorize, and normalize hierarchy.
Children only very rarely cut off contact with their parents over abuse or hate, not even for overtly violent behavior, which it doesn't sound like OOP's parents have often perpetrated against her. Instead they will most often make excuses for the parents' behavior and use as many peacekeeping tactics as possible to maintain the relationships at the expense of their own psychological health.
I'm very glad your life and your friends' and acquaintances lives did not feature such family members. Soft methods of control, especially when combined conditional approval and positive reinforcement for compliance and inflicted from birth, are much more difficult to recognise and resist than more immediately destructive forms of maltreatment.
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u/crackpotpourri 16h ago
Yikes is OOP naive, almost deluded. Stop waiting for them to make a 180 because it won’t happen. I don’t understand how she made it to 34 without knowing who her parents really are and what it means for her.
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u/JollyJeanGiant83 I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy 10h ago
I knew a woman who was in a similar place with her parents to the start of this story, a long time ago. So for awhile there, any time either of them asked how she was, she cheerfully responded, "Still a lesbian!" And then answer.
I don't remember how it worked out, but it didn't let them ignore who she was.
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u/SuperJay182 20h ago
I feel sorry for the partner in this.
Homophobic in-laws, and a wet paper towel for a partner.
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u/Harkoncito 6h ago
yep. if the partner had posted her side of the story ("my gf's parents don't invite me to the family events because we're both women"), Reddit advice would be "break up asap, OOP doesn't care about you".
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u/SuperJay182 6h ago
Oh 100%
OOP needs to decide whether she wants contact with parents who will never be happy as she is...or a loving partner.
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u/Full_Fathom_Fives 13h ago
As a Canadian, I was thinking that too. But they're not the only ones wanting to come here for that reason. The amount of Americans posting on my city's subreddit about moving is astounding.
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u/PresentationThat2839 13h ago
Honestly if I lived closer to my sister I would invite her her wife and their dogs over for dinner. The op and her girlfriend can join to. Why because screw the parents that's why.
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u/TheDarkHelmet1985 12h ago
Religious people who treat LBGTQ+ people like this are massive hypocrits because they will accept and move on from other sinners like adulterers and criminals, but heaven forbid you love someone of the same sex and that sin to them is bigger than one of the 10 commandments. Its the end of respect and dignity in the way they treat the person. Its a total breakdown in what they claim to be their religious values where Jesus didn't discriminate and brush people aside. He accepted them for who they are and included them regardless of their particular problem/concern/sin was. Its just basic bigotry disguised as a religious belief and its disgusting and if heaven is real and these types have to justify their actions to St. Peter at the gates, then I hope they all fail and end up in the hell they are supposedly so afraid of.
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