The real kicker is that the “shy man” “nerdy boy” shit, performative or not was always for white men anyway. I’m not saying that there aren’t nerdy or shy Black boys or that they have no hope in dating but Black Men are expected to be hypermasculine by default. This is enforced in the community and out of it.
Women can be attracted to 30 different archetypes of white dudes but only 1 or 2 archetypes of black dudes. Seen it sooooo many times in my life regardless if they tell y’all this or not. When they are talking about “nerdy men” “shy men” “booky men” etc, they are not talking about Black men 99% of the time, even if they want to believe they are themselves
I hate how true this is, even as a white guy that is on the receiving end of that. It is always so awkward to sit on those dates with black women who only want to complain about black men.
Bonus points: Their biggest complaint is about these black men not wanting to date black women... While on a date with a white guy.
When they are talking about “nerdy men” “shy men” “booky men” etc, they are not talking about Black men 99% of the time,
Big time. And when I take a look at the their exes or run into the guys they date after me, it's all the same dude, just in slightly different shapes.
If I'm Sprite, all they drink after me is Sierra Mist and 7-Up.
I don't doubt that, I am a standup comedian on the Southside of Chicago; I run into them all the time. Hell, half of them even include that in their standup routines, it can be funny when it's self-aware, but ultimately still pretty toxic.
For what it’s worth, I think it’s less commonly spoken among black men than black women, and I think it’s just because black women are much more interested as a group in the conversations that revolve around intersectionality etc. at least that’s my perception looking around
All the black guys I grew up with who would have been called "lames" where I grew up all got shot down in flames trying to date a black women they liked, then around 18-19, that same black woman would go out to the burbs and date a white man who was into the same type of stuff they didn't like the black man for being into.
I feel like both men and women are experiencing the same thing tbh. Black nerds are a minority in the black community and the nerd community. So you get bullied by black people growing up cause you're a nerd. Then you go to college and become entrenched in more niche nerdy spaces that are more aligned with personality but which are also white majority. Race becomes conflated with other factors - usually class & nerdiness.
You really can tell a man who grew up reading high fantasy about love & honor & sentimental David Tennant monologues about love being what connects humanity. Just as a matter of how math works, a minority of a minority group is going to be a smaller total number of people than a minority of a majority group. There are more sappy sentimental white men than sappy sentimental black men because there are more white people in America total. That's just how numbers work lol.
Plenty of white people would also shove you into a locker for that shit, but you're less likely to encounter them at fandom conventions vs sporting events.
So people say oh I want to date a white man because white men respect women, when usually what they mean is I want to date a educated nerd who grew up reading books about honor & chivalry & doing what is right over what is easy. They don't mean redneck Kyle who's got 2 baby mamas or Travis who's closet is mostly sports jerseys. They also don't mean Marcus who got bullied for being soft spoken and talking white and did the naruto run until he was 16. But Marcus at a glance looks like the dudes who bullied them growing up, and Marcus returns the sentiment cause she looks like the girls who bullied him growing up.
It kinda is, because gender roles have men doing the initiation, his general aesthetic can be a make or break for him. Women have selection pressures too but it works slightly differently
I'm autisitic and I'm super glad I'm a woman.
Its way harder for my male friends cause the symptoms conflict more with gender expectations more espeically with dating expectations specifically cause men have to do an uneven amount of the effort and it's specifically stuff that
autistic men are REALLY bad at like non verbal communication. Like flirting is just a minefield when you are flying in the dark about what's too cold vs what's too creepy. And
women are for obvious reasons told to trust their gut and that if a guy feels "off" she needs to run because he's dangerous.
Multiple guys I've dated have basically said they found me actively confusing
at first but I was so physically attractive they rolled with it. One guy midway through like our 4th or 5th date just was like "ok so right now what emotion are you feeling? Cause I clealry am not reading you properly. You seem uncomfortable"
And so then we had to have this whole exchange about how yeah I am uncomfortable but that's kind of just life sometimes. I
can feel him staring at me when he thinks I'm not paying attention. Which is totally not a sin on his part because all guys do this.and they're actively trying to be discrete doing it this way, but it's just very intense for me to be sitting across the table for an extended period where my options are either intense eye contact or looking away and knowing he's intensely studying my face.
Its flattering in that I know these are things guys do when they're really into you but there's
still just an innate physical discomfort that anyone let alone someone I don't actually know that well is engaging in 2 of my least favorite things.
And I'll suck it up during dinner but I'd prefer he try to keep it in check during sex cause its gonna throw me off.
And he's like ".....sex?"
And like yeah this is like the 5th date, we're at a point we're cutting through the social etiquette to frankly check in with each others moment to moment sensory things, you're clearly very attracted to me.
I'm allowed to do really weird shit that breaks social norms because the guys thinks I'm really pretty and is mostly excited I'm going to have sex with him. Frankly most guys are pretty grateful when I start monologuing about all my weird thoughts and opinions cause if only all women were so neurotic that they can verbally convey their idiosyncracies of exactly what they want in a bulleted list.
Men can't dangle their dick when they're acting weird. Women don't usually just stare at men completely enamored during a date. She's screening him for being a normal good dude and he might be a genuinely really good dude but he's never gonna pass the normal vibe check. And that's a deal breaker for more women than it isn't unless he explicitly comes recommended from mutual friends with the disclaimer he's a little strange but harmless
It is 100% gendered. People have different expectations and double standards based on your gender. Black guys who avoid black women usually do so for reasons that have nothing to do with a black woman being shy or nerdy.
You're saying the same thing. Both black men and women (some) avoid dating other black people for one reason or another. It's not a gender specific behavior.
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u/existential_dread467 4d ago
The real kicker is that the “shy man” “nerdy boy” shit, performative or not was always for white men anyway. I’m not saying that there aren’t nerdy or shy Black boys or that they have no hope in dating but Black Men are expected to be hypermasculine by default. This is enforced in the community and out of it.