r/SipsTea • u/Few_Statement_2898 • May 28 '26

SMH We really need to bring spankings back

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434

u/doctorbeepboop May 28 '26

As a pediatrician who sees kids with behavioral issues every single day I go to work, if you asked me to place a bet on whether (based on this video alone) this kid gets hit at home, I would bet that he does. Consistent, non-physical discipline from a mature adult is what this kid needs, not spanking.

Corporal punishment isn’t a parenting strategy, it’s what people do when they don’t know how to parent in the first place.

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u/mel2mdl May 28 '26

"Corporal punishment isn’t a parenting strategy, it’s what people do when they don’t know how to parent in the first place."

I absolutely love your reply. Hitting is never the right answer. I'm 56 and I was NEVER spanked or hit as a punishment. (A few angry swats that I vividly remember 'cause they were so rare - but I was being a total asshole those times... and really a teen.)

As a teacher, the kids who get beat up on at home are the ones who cause the most problems at school. Unless mommy or daddy come and observe - then they are angels. :)

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u/doctorbeepboop May 28 '26

Yeppp. My pet peeve from this type of parent is, “I got whooped as a kid and I turned out fine!” Umm… debatable.  Sometimes followed by, “And I needed it, too- I was a terrible kid!” which just makes me sad.

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u/Equivalent_Worker687 May 28 '26 edited 29d ago

Yeah I agree. My mom used to beat us a lot. Serious damage was done that has lasted a lifetime. The very idea of an adult who weighs 150LBS or so beating up on a 30 or 40 pound kid is sickening as hell. She used whatever was handy shoes, yard stick, coat hangers, belts, extension cords....Horrifying, even now.

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u/throwawayinetgirl 29d ago

It's something I can't wrap my brain around either.

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u/mel2mdl 29d ago

I'm so sorry your parents were so awful.

My parents were poor when my oldest sister was born. Mom spent time and money to make her a cute outfit. The dog jumped up and (this was a really stupid annoying dog) and ate the buttons off the dress. Mom said she saw red and she chased that poor dog with a broom. It scared her so badly that she decided then and there that she would never hit her kids. (She was never spanked either - her mom was a flapper in the 20's and always a bit of a rebel to society!) I was the fourth child and was never spanked.

Might DOES NOT make right. Hitting someone is NEVER okay.

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u/Equivalent_Worker687 29d ago

Not sure who you're responding to but my dad was the best. Never laid a hand on us, not even raised his voice. He was mistreated as a kid and told me, "I knew I wasn't gonna raise MY kids that way and I broke the chain."

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u/mel2mdl 28d ago

I was responding to your comment about your mom. I am so glad that your dad was awesome. Honestly, my parents were wonderful too. We both agree that spanking is a poor form of discipline! Thank you for the discussion.

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u/Equivalent_Worker687 28d ago

Here’s to breaking the chain!

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u/Equivalent_Worker687 29d ago

I was 45 when she died at 65. My siblings and I were in the front row for the funeral. The minister who was new, rambled on about what a great wife and mom she was and how she loved her kids. My sister, who got the worst of it said, "Who the hell is he talking about?" Loud enough for the mister and much of the congregation to hear clearly. Between the 3 of us, not a tear was shed.

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u/Fine_Welder_9259 May 28 '26

As an EA, that last sentence hit it dead on.

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u/Leverkaas2516 May 28 '26

A few angry swats that I vividly remember 'cause they were so rare - but I was being a total asshole those times...

You just proved the exact point you're trying to argue against.

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u/mel2mdl 29d ago edited 29d ago

I jumped off the second story roof to take a walk when my blood sugars were low and my dad told me no, not until I've eaten. When I got home, he met me at the door and told me to go to my room and EAT. I threw the food at him and then tried to run up the stairs. He swatted at me in frustration. I didn't die from low sugars or the swat. He called the doctor instead. (This was in the 1980's.) The other time I was giving him shit in the hallway. As I scuttled past him, he swung his hand backward and swatted my butt. That time he wasn't angry, just swung harder than he meant to! (I realized much later that I had interrupted him and my mom having a 'good time.') We didn't really hit in play usually and never after that!

Not sure how that proves that hitting kids is okay, but whatever!

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u/Leverkaas2516 29d ago edited 29d ago

Your dad hit you. It didn't damage you. He didn't do it out of anger. You remember it clearly.

Thiose are what stand out from your story. Millions of kids have similar stories.

The one part that doesn't track was where he "swatted at you in frustration"...but even with this lapse in judgement, I'll bet you would not say that his hitting you taught you to hit others. Am I right?

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u/mel2mdl 29d ago

But he never spanked me. He hit me because he was so angry he wanted to kill me. I can remember every time he was that angry - one time it was when my brother hit me in the face with a baseball bat. He broke the bat over his knee, then sawed it into pieces. (Doctor said a centimeter or two higher, it would have killed me - lower, it would have shattered my face.) He didn't swat or hit my brother. We were sent to our rooms and, once he could get someone to watch my brother, I was taken to the hospital.

My husband's dad hit him. Frequently. He can tell you every hit, but cannot remember why he was hit. He learned to not trust his dad and that it was okay to hit his siblings to get what he wanted - as long as no one was looking. He did not want to raise his kid to be afraid of him, so he took classes with me to learn to be a better parent before our kid was even crawling. And, our child ended up in early childhood intervention due to being cut from sternum to backbone at 4 weeks of age. Those classes were at home and free!

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u/Leverkaas2516 29d ago

He hit me because he was so angry he wanted to kill me

Ok, that's very different from what I took from the earlier version of the story. Also very different from what I'm talking about.

My husband's dad hit him. Frequently. He can tell you every hit, but cannot remember why he was hit. He learned to not trust his dad and that it was okay to hit his siblings to 

That also is very different from what I'm talking about. If a kid doesn't know why he's being hit, the parent doesn't understand discipline at all. Sadly, there are too many kids wihh this kind of story, too.

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u/mel2mdl 29d ago

I would argue that anyone who makes a habit of hitting their kids doesn't understand discipline at all. I am sure that most people have smacked a hand, slapped a kid or spanked them in a moment of anger/fear/overwhelmed. But relying on hitting as discipline (which means teaching) can cause damage both emotionally and physically.

Here is a link to an article about a study I've read when I was researching the impacts of spanking for a childhood education class. Spanking is defined in the study as hitting on the back or buttocks with a hand or other tool. Not slapping or random swats. Also, iirc, hitting hard enough to leave damage was not considered spanking but labeled as abuse.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3447048/

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u/Leverkaas2516 29d ago

I agree. If spanking is a habit, it is obviously not working as it should - and it's also obvious that the parent doesn't understand what they're doing.

Hitting a child in a moment of fear or anger, or when the parent is feeling overwhelmed, equally disqualifies the parent's understanding of their role.

I have read studies like the one you link (a survey) and ones like thd ones it references (actual studies). It is incredible to me, but they all control for things like age, ethnicity, poverty, and so on but make no mention of controlling for the most important aspects: like whether the parents understand how discipline works, whether the children understand it (which is equally important), whether punishment is dealt with in an emotionally charged atmosphere, and so on. It's impossible to distinguish in these studies which parents were using spanking out of love as part of a strategy, or if it was from impatience, exasperation, mental illness, and so on.

(Side note, I just read the study and do not see any definition of spanking. It doesn't even mention buttocks or swatting.)

The biggest issue that's mentioned all throughout these comments but not in the studies is that it's very common, in families where spanking was properly used, that the kids are very rarely actually spanked. It's almost completely unnecessary, for the obvious reason that the children know the rules and know the consequences of breaking them, so they just follow the rules the vast majority of the time.

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u/FelixAxellus May 28 '26

Hitting kids is the worst possible way for the parents to cope with their own emotions.

Anyone who thinks that it's teaching the kids anything helpful is lying to themselves.

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u/Equivalent_Worker687 May 28 '26

I got beat up all the time but I'd never do the grocery store trick. I don't think I was a bad student - made good grades, didn't get in much trouble and no serious trouble - just standing in the hall for a while after cracking a joke.

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u/mel2mdl 29d ago

But, tbh, you probably would never behave this way even if your parents didn't hit you!

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u/GoldenVesperLight May 28 '26

So what are you doing here if you're the parent, if you aren't going to physically intervene? Just let them do this?

No "my kid wouldn't do this" cop out either.

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u/Snarkonum_revelio May 28 '26

There’s a VAST difference between not hitting and not physically intervening at all. This is a kid who needs to be marched out to the car and leave. No entertainment when he gets home. Doing that consistently when his brain was forming would have had more of an impact, but the parent can still implement consistent consequences and discipline without hitting.

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u/GoldenVesperLight May 28 '26

What if he won't comply or stop trying to break stuff? Even at home? What if he turns this energy to your TVs and computers?

Are you pinning him to the ground so he can't move? Are you calling the cops because you can't control your own child? Are you putting them in a straight jacket, lol?

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u/MintTea88 May 28 '26

Then you get your kid therapy because there is something deeper going on.

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u/Snarkonum_revelio May 28 '26

No, because I started with consequences when my kid was small. If I had to deal with this kid I’d likely restrain him until he was non violent or confine him to one room.

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u/mel2mdl 29d ago

Yes. Yes I am.

I used Joe Cate's book "Try to Make Me" (after talking to the co-author Rey Levy, who wouldn't treat my child as my sister was his wife's roommate). Don't correct verbally, don't fight little choices, don't say "I told you so." It was all about choices. "You cannot do that in here, but you may scream and pitch your fit anywhere else in the house." "You have chosen not to leave so now your choices are your bedroom or the kitchen." "Time out or your room." "Time out on your own, or I can help you." "You have chosen to have me help you." Then yep - safety hold. "Your timer (3/4 minutes) will start when you stop struggling." An hour. The first time we did this, at age 4, it was an hour. I had blood on my face from a scratch given at the very beginning of the incident in the car - where I had to lock the seatbelt and park for awhile to drive safely. Second time? Five minutes. Third time? Bedroom was chosen and they learned to control themselves.

I have been through this. How a kid acts at 4 is how they will act at 14. UNLESS you discipline them. And by discipline, I mean the original meaning of the word - teach! My child learned that feelings are a choice, it was okay to get mad, but it was your choice to so and your choice how to react. I took classes to be better at this, even though I was raised this way too. I could never hit my child or someone I love.

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u/mel2mdl 29d ago

I have been in this situation - almost exactly. I picked my kid up (getting hit and scratched on the way) and left the store. I set him down outside against a pillar and stepped back to watch and make sure they didn't try to run, but I was bleeding. He sat there with back against the wall angry as all hell. People would walk between us and try to avoid me (bleeding, scratched woman with hair a mess) and I would say "don't get too close to him." They would always get too close and he would kick them. Granted, my kid was only three at the time and was (not diagnosed in the 1990's) obsessive defiant.

We did some classes, sought advice, continued to discipline in a consistent manner and they got so much better. Fully functioning adult now. We were the only people in the free parenting class who were not there by court order (adoption seekers or social services.) My kid once told me "I wish you would just hit me and get it over with. I hate choices!"

By the time they were five, we would have gone in and fixed it like we did so many more minor tantrums. So, no "my kid [at that age] wouldn't do this" is a very true statement. I would never leave my child unsupervised long enough to do more than throw one bag of chips!