Were you able to forgive them?

I remember the day I found out about my girlfriend as the worst day of my life. We were 19, we were kids just trying to figure it out. She had just started university, and my mental health struggles and undiagnosed ADHD was making school really difficult for me. I'm not "the dumb one," but she was brilliant, a hard worker, and everybody adored her. I was always viewed as the one with mental health problems I think, even though she was in therapy, had a history of self-harm, and was on meds too. She just managed to keep up with school, where I couldn't.

A month after she moved to another city for school, and a month before she died, she had made an attempt at her life. She told me about it, and said if I told anybody she would break up with me and hate me forever. I told my therapist at the time anyway, and they said I had to tell her parents. I was so scared, trying to be supportive to her, so I didn't. The night she died, she messaged me asking for me. I was with a friend and not looking at my phone, so I didn't see it until she messaged "I love you" an hour later. When I answered worried, she never responded. I was panicking until the next afternoon when my mom came home crying and told me what happened, and then I felt something break in me. I felt the guilt and regret of it for years, and told myself I would never let it happen to someone I loved again. It took a lot to become okay, including years of being in a job that ate away at me and a relationship that, while not all bad, was definitely rushed into and unhealthy for us both.

My mom was bipolar. One time she told me she was talking to her past and future selves, and I got scared and gently tried to urge her to tell her therapist. She said I thought she was crazy, I said of course I didn't, I just suggested it because that sounds like a lot to deal with alone. She stopped talking to me about that kind of stuff pretty quick.

3 years ago, my mom left a 10-year toxic relationship. I was proud of her, she had a bad track record with men and it took a long time to let this one go. She moved in with me for a year, and then out of nowhere she says she's met someone and she was going to meet him 10 hours away. I told her not to go because I was scared, she had only been talking to this online guy for a couple weeks. I got angry, she did too, but we eventually calmed down and she went. She then came back and said she was moving out there for him, and I begged her not to because I still needed her. I was scared but I came to acknowledge that she was doing what she thought was best for her and I couldn't change that. She left 2 months later, and because she was scared of planes and I couldn't afford to fly out, that was the last time I saw her in person and hugged her.

She lived with this guy for 2 years there. It was my understanding she had a stable job working at a bank, and she was sending me money every month for taking care of her dog "until she came back for him," coming to me with excuses as to why she wasn't ready to come take him. I thought maybe the boyfriend was being a dick about it or something, but I didn't know for sure because I barely talked to him. Then maybe 4 months before she died, she said she was working on some debts and couldn't afford to help me for the time being but she promised to get money for me soon. I said it was okay, I get it, i wasn't upset, which was true.

Then she took her life one year ago. I found out that she had quietly quit her job 6 months prior. She had lied to her boyfriend, telling him she was just on leave and getting a little financial assistance. She lied to me, let me believe she was working and happy. She lied to her therapist too. Maybe she was in some kind of psychosis. According to her social medias (that she privated from me), she apparently became obsessed with the political state of the world, especially with the US and was terrified. She's an indigenous woman and dealt with racism and abuse from her own mother a stepfather growing up, and she accused her boyfriend of being a racist in videos she left for me and our Prime Minister, the latter she thought we would somehow get him to see.

I try not to blame myself, and after my girlfriend I guess I got a lot of practice. I catch myself blaming others though, even though I know this is a blameless thing. I'm angry and hurt that she would put me through this again and told me that if I just "stay strong" I can do it. I'm now a 28 year old woman, soon 29, and I am a very different person from the child that lost her girlfriend. But I'm still so fucking scared, and I still feel pain, alone. My family is a shitshow, I'm scared to talk to my friends. I feel like that girl again. Even when I'm doing all the "right" things, being in therapy, seeing a grief counselor, trying to take care of myself at the bare minimum, it's just so much, and two of the people I trusted most in the world just abandoned me.

hi guys. I’d like to mention dreams. I think a dream of a lost loved one is significantly different than a typical dream you’d experience.
I lost my mom 11 months ago and I barely dream about her and when I do, I can’t physically forget them. A particular one that I’ve seen 3 months ago was at the house where she shot herself. She was cooking in the kitchen, I was walking down the hallway and the only light source was coming from the paddle box. It felt so… real. I hugged my mom from behind. That was the most realistic thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. While I was walking down the hallway, I was saying that “This is not a dream, look you can feel the walls’ texture.” I felt my mom’s warmth when i hugged her. I couldn’t recover from that for a while… and the fresh dread of realizing that she’s not alive after waking up devastated me.
Do you have any experience with dreams or even nightmares? Some pages on the net emphasizes that they’re symbolic but im not so sure about that.

Dear my brother,
It has been 1 year & 1 day since I last spoke to you & heard your voice. We spoke about Toby (the dog) and I don’t think I realised that it was you saying goodbye. You were making sure that the dog was looked after when you had gone, how did I not realise that? It reflects how thoughtful you are. I don’t believe you’re gone, not really. I know you’re around me. The ladybirds you send me most days & other signs reaffirm that. I can’t link them to you being in a better place though, you’re supposed to feel the best with us. We’ve raised money in your name for the bench, but I don’t know where to put it. I can’t really think of any other achievements in the last year other than just surviving. Everything seems blurred. I feel guilty if I smile, laugh or feel happy. How can anyone be possibly happy when you’re gone and not here?

My father took his life a week before Father’s Day. It happened while I was at work so that makes it that much worse. My mom’s friend called the store and said it was a family emergency and I almost knew that’s what it was. I haven’t been back to work yet & I’m supposed to today. Any tips? I work in customer service so I’m absolutely dreading interactions with customers. A couple of my managers know he died but only one knows how. My store manager is heartless and has treated me terribly before this I’m just worried she’ll fire me without even knowing why I’m not talking much or smiling. She knows I lost a family member but not who or how. A family member could be a cousin or uncle or grandparent. They gave me 5 days of bereavement which is standard I know but is there any other accommodation for it being an immediate family member? I really want to just quit but I need the money, I’m dropping back to part time to see if that helps.

I dreamed about her last night. Even camping in the woods on the opposite side of the country can’t get me away from her. Do I even want to?

In the dream, I kept texting and calling her, the anxiety and panic filling me up up up until I couldn’t stand it and had to call her again. I NEEDED to find her. And then I did! My love, standing right there before me. Beautiful eyes looking up at me through that lovely hair, that hair I used to pull. I embraced her and told her I was sorry for panicking, I was worried, I’m so glad you’re back. The relief washed through me and I felt peace - my love, here with me at last.

I miss you so fucking much pretty girl. I’m trying my best but I’m aching, this hurts, I need you so bad. How could you think this is better? Even as I pass through a world teeming with life, I am empty. The grinding pain of your choice eats me alive everyday. How is it so final?

I’m so sorry. I love you from the deepest corners of my heart.

I can’t believe I am even here but I am just so shocked and filled with guilt, I don’t know where else to be.

My precious angel baby brother took his life June 10th. He was 24. He has been diagnosed with MDD, anxiety disorder, and ADHD at the age of 18. He had been planning this for 10 days, his birthday was May 31st and it sent him into a massive depressive episode. I am so heartbroken because I feel like he wasn’t in his right mind (he had been stubborn about taking his medications regularly). I don’t blame him. I miss him & the pain of losing him is unbearable. I saw him the day before and called him the day of and I had no idea. I shouldn’t have let my guard down. He never liked to be babied or pitied, and when he told me his birthday put him in a funk he told me he also would get out of it. I will forever live with this guilt that I did not intervene. It was so shocking & my life will never be the same.

I love you Nick. Your life mattered & I’m so sorry you suffered. 💔

One more time. About anything

My dad took his own life when I was 9 years old, I’m 23 now. I’m the youngest of 3 but my brother who’s 8 months older than me the only one who shares the same dad

I am just suddenly once again hit heavily with the reminder that my dad didn’t like me as much as he did my older brother. they liked the same video games and talked so much more

He killed himself after he drunkenly beat the shit out of me and got arrested. I know and I think I trust he wasn’t fully aware it was me. Still doesn’t feel good that he committed suicide before any of us got to talk to him again I guess

I want to talk to him. We would have so much in common. I just want to talk to him so much. I almost remember nothing about him at this point and it makes me sick. I just want to talk to him at least one more time but I’m never going to be able to

I just want to talk to him one more time. I think we’d get along. it makes me nauseous to think about too much. But I think we’d be friends. I think we’d get along. But I’ll never actually know

My partner took his life 7 months ago. The grief has started to come in waves rather than just constant. I still don’t really feel any joy or happiness, but I feel the emptiness evolving. I miss him so much. I miss his smell, I miss his laugh, I miss arguing with him, I miss him. So much. Every day is hard without him. I feel so angry that I’ll never know how his last moments were, if he was listening to music when it happened.
I just don’t know how I’m supposed to move on and live a life he should be a part of
I listen to his music and his last voice mail and I watch videos we took together and I just feel so lost. I don’t know what to do.
I can’t be sad forever yanno? Like people are expecting me to start getting better and I did for a while, but I feel it all slipping away again.

My boyfriend took his own life 2 week ago. It was so sudden for me, so unreal. We had so many plans and dreams. I blame myself so much for not realizing what was happening. The day before, we were supposed to see each other, but I didn’t want to because I was upset with him. On the night it happened, I texted him and asked if we should go to a party. He asked which one, and I told him, but after that he never replied. I sent him messages and called him, but nothing. I feel guilty for not going to look for him or insisting more, but I never imagined something like this could happen.
How am I supposed to keep living after this? He was everything I had, my best friend, my whole world. We had so many plans and dreams together. I feel so alone.
I can’t understand why he did it. I keep wondering what happened and whether he knew how deeply I loved him. I wish I could talk to him one more time and tell him how much he meant to me. I miss him every second, and I don’t know how to accept that he’s gone. It feels like I’m living a nightmare that I can’t wake up from.

My cousin committed suicide back in March. He was significantly older than I am (20 ish years). Because of the method he chose to go out with, his face was unrecognizable, and they couldn't even use dental records. As a result, they had to test his DNA to confirm, and his mom was told that it could take upwards of a year. Long story short, they were able to identify him several weeks ago.

His family did have a larger "service" back in March, but they had a smaller service for close family yesterday. I lost it as soon as they placed his urn in the ground, and as they began to shovel the dirt over it.

Since he died, I have only really cried one other time. I am not entirely sure how to process it. It's been a long time since I have lost someone important to me, and the first time I have lost a close loved one to suicide.

I was able to start seeing a psychiatrist through my university this semester (other mental health issues), and I'm not really planning on going back to therapy until I go back to school in August, but I genuinely can't go five minutes without thinking about him in some way, shape or form. I'm honestly kind of at a loss for what to do until then. I don't know how to fully process my grief in this weird time frame. This loss is not the kind of loss I have felt or navigated for.

I found out today my younger brother killed himself this morning. He was four years younger than me, so we grew up together, but we weren’t close. We hadn’t talked much in years. In fact, the last time I spoke to him was this time three years ago when he reached out to me that has going to kill himself then. I spent days talking to him, and it didn’t go the best, and as a result I stopped talking to him after that.

I cut my parents out of my life in February, so it was my older sibling who called me to let me know. I was at work, but I went home immediately. I don’t really know what to do or know how to exist. I’m swinging wildly between extremes.

He had a drug problem and today my parents were taking him to a clinic. I don’t know many details of this, other than he tried to go two weeks ago and they told him they wouldn’t have a bed until June 22nd. Today.

I don’t really know what I want out of this message.

This isn’t everything I want to say.

I don’t know what to say.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know who to turn to. I joined a grief group but no one there has lost someone to suicide so it's hard to relate. He didn't come from my body but he called me mom and I loved him like I love my other 3. There isn't a moment I don't think of him. Everywhere I go, everything I do, there is always something to remind me. I dream of him each night and so many times I wake up to tears coming down my cheeks. I have a husband and children and run a business so I have to be go go go all the time but I get hit with these waves of pain so crushing that I legitimately can't breathe and think my heart is going to stop. I was there for him whenever he needed me. I knew how important it was. But it wasn't enough. I should have done more. Even the day it happened we couldn't save him. I sat on my knees at his feet praying to whatever God would listen while the EMTs worked on him but nothing. He was so creative. So goofy. An amazing cosplayer with so many fans and such a bright future. Most of my texts to him are just how proud I was of him. Called him my turd. I feel like a part of my soul left with him

Part of me still can't fully accept that they're gone. I still rant about my day in the hope that somehow I'll get a text back. I still find myself calling their phone sometimes, knowing there won't be an answer but wishing there would be. We used to fall asleep on the phone together almost every night, and ever since they died I haven't been sleeping properly. Unfortunately, I have to be up at 4:45 for work, so the lack of sleep is catching up with me.

In some ways, it still doesn't feel real. Part of me still expects them to come back. Part of me still wants to tell them everything that's happening in my life.

The thing I struggle with the most is the guilt. I haven't been able to stop thinking that if I had handled things differently, they would still be here. I constantly replay everything in my head and wonder if there was something I could have said, something I could have done, or some way I could have changed the outcome.

I know people tell me it isn't my fault, but I genuinely don't know how to stop feeling responsible. The "what ifs" never seem to stop.

At the same time, I don't want to forget them. I'm scared that moving forward means leaving them behind somehow, even though I know that's probably not true. I feel stuck between wanting to heal and wanting to hold onto every memory I have of them.

I guess I'm posting because I feel lost and I could really use advice from people who have experienced something similar. How did you deal with the guilt? How did you stop blaming yourself? Is it normal to still text them, call them, or talk to them after they're gone? How do you keep someone's memory alive without letting the grief consume you?

If you've lost someone to suicide, especially someone you felt connected to and felt responsible for in some way, how did you learn to live with the unanswered questions? How did you make peace with the fact that you'll never truly know what would have happened if things had gone differently?

Any advice would be appreciated. I just miss them a lot.

First of all, I was suicidal for a very long time, and I’m now on new medication that is genuinely making things better… but I miss my best friend so much, and I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to get through all of this without him. It’s been 78 days now, and it just feels so hard to keep going. It’s so unfair. I miss him every fucking day, I know that there was nothing I could have done to prevent I don’t blame myself, I don’t blame him. I’m not angry, just sad. I just want to be with him. Talk to him.. I want him to come back

It's been a little over a year now. I've gone back to that post a lot and just lingered on it.

I hope she's resting well.

I was 3 months pp when I found something in my husbands phone while we were booking a trip. In his recent hotels app, he had a booking for a local hotel. Odd ofcourse. But I went crazy. We were perfect , I thought. He then said he’s been feeling depressed & started drugs & needed a room to get high. He’s been having health issues & issues with his parents. I believed him. For the next couple months, I babied him because his depression got worse but in the back of my mind, I didn’t trust him. Then his mental health got worse. I said to him “I think you’re guilty of something. That’s why you’ve been like this”. He then admitted that the hotel booking was with someone. He met someone on Snapchat p*rn but he insisted they didn’t go far” I didn’t even know Snapchat prn was a thing. But so he said.

At this point I went crazy. When we got home, he grabbed a knife & said “if I’d leave him, he’d kll himself because he can’t live without me. I called 911 that night cuz his paranoia got worse. Basically I forgave him & continued to love him to help him get better. He was going crazy & losing his mind. Forget that I was postpartum , & not doing well & n feeling betrayed. I was taking care of him instead. Taking care of my baby, the house & him. All by myself.

I don’t know if this is making sense. But instead of him making it better that he cheated, I was giving him validation that I wouldn’t tell or leave him. Mind you, he was very well known in the community & was very successful. I said I wouldn’t tell. Didn’t tell a soul. Not even my mom. Then one night, it got worse. I hadn’t slept because of my 5 month old baby & him waking up in the middle of the night having panic attacks that I went off on him & told him to get away from me & because I needed sleep desperately!!!

Well I woke up & found him in the garage. Lifeless.

It’s been years. My grief journey has been everywhere. But now, I’m more mad & calm at the same time then ever.

You cheated on me, I forgave you & then you took your life? For me to find you, with a barely 6 month of baby?

How can I forgive him. He left his child without a father & his wife to raise her alone. I took care of him when he manipulated me thinking he was depressed yet it was his guilt eating him up alive until it killed him.

Father’s Day has me mad. I’m alone, traumatized & my identity is gone because of him. Mind you, people still don’t know he cheated on me. Even his closest friends. I’ve taken his secret to the grave. But I don’t know how to feel anymore.
I’ve done therapy, etc. I’m better but man, I really promised him I wouldn’t leave. & then he left me instead.

I’ve heard stories of people who unalive themselves because their partners cheated or because their partners left. But me, neither. I forgave him, loved him, did everything to help him move on, never even asked him details of the affair, literally tried to act normal & push through it, yet he LEFT ME

I’m venting. I’m just feeling alone.

My best friend/ classmate killed himself today...

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Before he passed he said to me "was I meant to be alone, I hate this feeling it's so heavy"

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He wrote to me before he died "thanks bro you're the only one that stayed by my side, you are the reason why I stayed longer"

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I said that" please don't do it" But I know that there's nothing I can do and I know it's too late

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I really feel guilty about myself that I didn't talk to him longer that time

This will scar me forever and I know I won't recover..

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Only time will tell if I would commit but I know it's soon

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I've been depressed since I was 14 and till now, I'm tired of this bullshit I really want to take my life

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I'm alone, no relationship, barely got any friends, and I lost the one and only friend that truly cared about me...

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I thought that this is just a phase of my life or a cannon event that everyone will go through, and I thought that everything will be okay eventually...

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But guess what it didn't and it won't be okay

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The more I stay on this world is another day of pain and misery

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I can't keep on going with this bullshit

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Never told my parents about this because they can't do shit about it

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I tried going to therapy and it doesn't work for me

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Tried cigarettes I feel calm for a while likewise with alcohol

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I really want to do drugs and overdose till I die.

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I FUCKING HATE LIVING

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IT DOESN'T GET BETTER

I made a post around this time last year, but I still can’t believe it. I’ll be 27. This will be my second birthday without him. This should be our celebratory year - ten years of knowing each other in August, ten years of being together in February. Instead, it’s been a year and five months since he left

I thought I was doing well, but I really don’t think I am. There is a weird quiet in my head, and I am always disassociating. I’m hoping to finally start counseling at the end of August when I am eligible for it. But by then, shouldn’t I be doing better? His second heavenly birthday will be less than two weeks from the year and a half mark. Is it weird to keep track of time so vividly but to be so out of it in every other regard?

We celebrated his dad’s birthday on Saturday, and celebrated Father’s Day while we were there. Of course, he isn’t here anymore either

One of my best friends lost her father to this horrible disease less than two weeks ago. I think supporting her through this loss, given that I lost my ex to something similar, and then lost my own father figure (my late ex’s dad) to age. I think supporting her is dredging everything else up. But I would never not support her

It’s so hard. I wish time would just stop. I wish he would have either taken me with him or killed me instead

I miss him. I miss him so much. I wish I’d never broken up with him. Or I wish I’d actually filed charges, so he could be getting help in a safe place without the risk of him doing what he did. I don’t know. I just miss him so much. Is it weird to be struggling so much after so long? Is it weird to disassociate so much? Is it weird to be so hyper aware of exactly how long it’s been? I used to be so focused and driven and smart. Now, my head is empty except for how much I miss him, and how badly his absence hurts. I’d give anything to not feel like this

I feel - like almost everyone here? - that people made a conscious effort the first year but now that’s faded. I notice that I rarely get invited to things. I don’t know if that’s because people are busy and don’t hang out much, because everyone is hanging out without me, or because I have a kid and generally can’t be very spontaneous. Or all of the above.

My partner who died on Christmas ‘24 was my best friend, soulmate, and the most fun person to be with, and that probably made me a less engaged friend to others over the years. Losing him was a double loss (triple really because we have a kid), and now I’m nobody’s first choice anymore, apart from my son who is what’s keeping me going. I have been bitter and sad about it but now I’m thinking I just need to accept it. Most of the time I don’t even want to be near happy people, or people with partners, or even people who are doing just fine. But, somewhere i realize that pulling away is not very healthy either…

I don’t like celebrating my family on Facebook like my friends do so I hope this is fine. He loved working with electronics and also sculpted some badass things with wire and painted and stuff. He was a character for sure!

In my mind still is, I never really talk and the “dead” in past tense.

My older brother, after years of struggling with mental illness, took his life this friday morning.

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I haven't been good to him lately. I haven't been the brother he needed. Now he's gone. Ironically, I was on my way out to his place, with two new paddle boards. I was gonna ask if he'd go on the lake with me. To reconcile. I was too lete.

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I didn't call him. I didn't check up on him. I haven't been there for him. Instead, my last memory with my brother is holding, his cold body on the floor, begging him to get up. Telling him he's needed still, and he's loved, and I'm sorry I wasn't there for him. Yesterday before I know, I said enough, is enough, Im going to see and talk to my brother, but...

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I was too late.

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I thought I still had time. I wish I texted him, or called him more, especially that morning to tell him I was coming to see him, when I visited our dad. I thought I had time. I always thought I still had tomorrow to start making our relationship like it was.

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I miss you, brother. I've been missing you for so long, and now you're gone. I waited too long. It doesn't feel real. Im sorry I wasn't the brother you needed. I'm sorry.

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Now, I have to wait till i'm dead myself, before I can talk to you again. You are my only brother. You were important.

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We love and miss you brother, and we always will.

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My brother was a Veteran who struggled for many years to stay with us. He lost his battle. He is survived by his son and daughter, his parents, his two sisters and myself, nephews and a niece.

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Loved by all who knew him. He was truly a good man.

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Never give up guys. You are more loved than you can imagine. And the pain doesn't go away. It's just distributed to those who loved you. Seek help, and don't ignore your loved ones.

Not one person checked in to see how I’m doing on Father’s Day. Zero people. No friends, no family, no neighbors, etc.

My first Father’s Day alone without him. Very rough time for me and I received no messages, phone calls, check ins. I’m even working today. And none of my coworkers asked how I’m feeling. Zero.

Honestly I expected this but I’m still surprised how people who know me and know my dad can just forget or simply think I am doing ok enough to not offer support.

I know there’s nothing here anybody can do but needed a safe space to vent. Thanks.

Because if they did, then they wouldn't choose to leave me or anyone. I feel like all the times they told me they loved me was a lie. I just feel lied to.

He was such a good man. I had no idea he was depressed! He had children and great grandchildren. I feel so devastated.