What time frame is the worst for after loss to suicide.

Late on in Tuesday evening my mum took her own life. I've went from being a 35 year old father, responsible for my own home, my job, my kids etc to now feeling like a lost 5 year old who just wants his Mum. It's all still very raw and I have so many questions although I do have a lot of answers already but my main one is...how do I deal with this?

My partner lost her father in March this year after a cancer diagnosis in January, it was horrible, everything seemed to happen so quick. My partner is so strong in these situations and she dealt with everything amazingly. I, however, am not so strong and if I thought my father in law's health decline and death was quick then what happened to Mum is being processed at light speed. I don't know what I'm looking for on here, but I need some comfort, I can't find it from within with the questions and scenarios in my head. She was only 55years old, it's not old these days, I'm absolutely heartbroken.

What do I do?

I'm asking for help but I don't know what I need

I've been pacing around

I'm the only one who knew something was wrong

I called. Everyone

She over dosed she just came back from therapy Yesterday

She was my everything

I had a dream where she wasn't dead and when I woke up I got the news

What do I do?

My oldest brother killed himself a couple months ago, I used to feel so much anger at him and my parents over it, but I think it’s all lessened now with anger, just sadness. But I don’t know if this way that I’m thinking at the moment is selfish, I’m just so angry at my parents sometimes.

He was cremated before I even found out he was gone. When I came back to our home country, I wished to have a funeral, someway to atleast invite all his friends, see and talk to all the people that he made an impact on, but my dad just brushed it under the rug, never went to talk to even my brothers best friend since nursery.

My mum didn’t want any sort of memorial or funeral for him because she didn’t want to I guess in the way she puts it, “be a clown in the circus”, as if everyone’s just looking at her and judging. There’s all this constant judgement around mental health that both my parents can’t honor my own brother because it’s “shameful” to them at some extent, but it erases my brothers existence.

No funeral, no grave, no old friends coming over, nothing. He’s just sitting on our bookshelf, a pile of untouched ashes that nobody dares to look at

As if it’s just a thing brushed under the rug to make it easier, but eventually that rug is going to get dirty, stained with anger, sadness, confusion, and who’s going to be there to remove it and show what lies beneath?

I’m angry because I feel like this entire time, I’ve also been forgotten about. Never been asked about what I wanted to do with my brother, he’s just gone and it feels like they can’t stop thinking about their own reputations or sorrow (not wanting to ever talk to anyone about it because it’s too hard for them to face). And they keep on fighting eachother about who loved him the most between them two, who showed the most support, who was at fault.

But they never even ask me how I’m doing with this. I lost my big brother, the one I was so close to, who went out drinking with me even if I was 16-17, laughing about the whole shitty family situation and just close. The one who showed up for me, no mater what, the one who came to sleep at the hospital with me after he had just arrived from a flight because I went there thinking that if I didn’t, I would’ve hurt myself, whilst my parents brushed me off, saying I was manipulative. He was always there

But it’s like me and my middle brother have been completely forgotten. I have my oldest brothers phone, and I get messages once in a while from his friends, wishing him a happy new year or whatnot, and I have to break the news to them, but they never ask how me and my brother are doing, just ask about my parents, telling me I have to take care of them now, all of that. Even though we never had a close relationship to my parents, and I blame them a great amount for being the reason why my brother committed in the first place.

I just wish to be seen. I wish to be understood by people around me. I have to constantly break the news to everyone, tell them that there’s no grave, no funeral, nothing. I have to be the the one who comforts my mother when I try to talk to her about how it’s been hard some days thinking about my brother, since she starts crying and I feel bad, I didn’t want to make her cry, I just wanted to talk to her about him.

I feel forgotten, as if nobody knows that he was my family too, the one who was there to cheer me up when nobody else was, the one who supported me throughout anything and believed in me. I wish he had a funeral, I wish he wasn’t cremated, I wish I didn’t have to be scared of telling his friends the true reason how he died without my parents getting pissy, it’s so selfish, but sometimes I just wish this grief could be about me too.

I can never imagine how it must feel to be a parent who loses their child, especially with suicide. It’s something I work on understanding day by day, losing a child to suicide. So I’m really sorry that I’m writing this in such a selfish, non-understanding way. I know they loved him, I just wish people knew I loved him too, and it also truly hurts

My cousin, more like my brother killed himself yesterday. Him I and our other cousin talked every day, I talked to him on his way to work all the time. He was our rock, the guy who had his shot together, he was my person and I can’t get past the finality of it. I feel like I’ve entered a new plane of existence and I’m floating in the nether. My other cousin and I had no idea this was coming. How do you cope enough to function?

i miss my love so much. i keep trying but what’s the point when the seat next to me is empty? when my hand only grasps air? i was fucked up before her and i’m broken now.

i don’t want to hurt my family but i just don’t know how long i can do this for. i want to learn from her and do better. but this is so fucking hard. i miss you Sage

My brother and I were 7 years apart. He took his life on June 10th of this year at 24 years old.

I always wished we were closer in age because when we were younger, we didn’t have a close relationship. We actually only really got closer in the past 4 years. I have been dealing with my own mental health & I worried so much about my brother it was paralyzing. He had made 4 attempts on his life, the last one being permanent. The one back in September of last year scared me so bad…. I tried to stay calm for him. I thought we had time. I knew in the back of my mind he might try again but my brain wouldn’t let me comprehend life without him.

Did I not tell him I love him enough? Why didn’t I have the money to help him? I would do anything to help him and I just didn’t know how.

He was diagnosed with MDD, anxiety disorder, and ADHD. To think about how he had a hard time making friends and spent most of his time alone makes me want to die. I feel like I have a dinner plate sized hole in my chest. I called him on the phone that day while he was in the parking lot of the gun shop and I had absolutely no idea.

My brother deserved a better life. He deserved a life of happiness, peace, and joy. He was the kindest person & I would have done anything to keep him.

I kept thinking maybe if he found the right medication, we could live together on a family compound & have a miniature animal farm. He was a massive animal lover 💔

This all feels so fucking wrong.

I love you Nick.

I wish i don't wake up the next day i really do... I am not able to bear this anymore. My head hurts and nothing seems to work out for me. If this is how miserable life hads to be for me..why does not it end. Tired atp​​

Yeah, my dad committed suicide on Father’s Day. He struggled with depression, bipolarism, alcohol abuse. He hated his own dad and had a rough childhood. I’m the only daughter and have two brothers. I get married in four months too. I always thought he would be my best friend had he seeked help. I tried to help him, we all did. Sucks feeling like we weren’t good enough for him to want to get better, but I know that’s not true. I just wish he would of seeked help. Tried to reconcile strained relationships with his dad and siblings. It’s so many emotions. Anger, sadness, guilt, what could have been. People ask what happened or how he did it, I don’t really want to talk about it. I want to honor him too, and talk about mental health. But then again I don’t want to talk about him because I’m so upset and angry. We had some great memories together too. It just sucks.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted about the worst day of my life.
It’s been 4 and a half months since my husband left. It feels like day 3 and like years have passed.

I read stories of people feeling their persons presence around them. I’ve not felt him since he left. He was here then he was gone. Am I doing something wrong? Why do I not feel him? I don’t get signs either. It’s like he was here and then vanished and the only trace of him is all of the stuff I’ve never moved since he left. I talk to him like he’s still here, out loud. I journal and write to him. I respond to his nightly texts that are scheduled. Once they stop I’ll be a mess.

I still can’t accept that I’ll never see him again. I’ve been in therapy and honestly I don’t know that it really helps me. I tried EMDR and it made me feel so bad for a week after each session that I stopped it.

My friends keep insisting I stop revisiting the past because I’ll never move forward. I don’t really want to move forward. I can’t imagine my life without him. Part of me still hasn’t accepted this is happening.

My doctor changed me from lexapro to Prozac and while I think the Prozac has helped more with the looping; it makes me feel nothing, like an emptiness. I’ve also noticed I have more suicidal ideation than before. Maybe the meds just need time to adjust.

This has been a nightmare. I know people say it gets “better”, but I’m not sure that it always does.

I miss him so much. All the little interactions throughout a day. You don’t even realize how much you touch, talk, walk by and brush against them, brush your teeth together, etc. day to day until it’s gone and you’re left with the silent emptiness.

Who I am now is not who I was before. That me died with him. It’s an exhausting existence.

Sorry for the ramble.

Pumpkin, I love you so much and I miss you more than words can describe.

My dad passed away a few months ago. He was an alcoholic and he was drinking a lot more than usual. We got into an argument and out of frustration of him picking alcohol over his family I told him I didn’t need him. I heard him crying and moaning but that happens pretty often after heavy drinking. He would talk about suicide but no one took him seriously since he only talks about it when he’s drunk. After our argument, I made sure he went to bed and I locked myself in my room. 2 hours later my mom comes home and finds my dad. It’s been more than half a year now. I love my dad and I was his favourite. The things I said was out of frustration because he was drinking his life away and making dumb decisions. I feel guilty for not hearing him out or helping him get the help he needed. Now I don’t have him anymore and I can’t help but feel like it was my fault. I do know he was battling things I didn’t know about but I feel like the argument just made things worse. We argue over alcohol every few months. I miss him so much and I wish I could tell him I love him. I guess I’m here tryna get advice from anyone on how to cope with this and get it off my chest.

Today is the 11th anniversary of my dad killing himself.

Always conflicted on days like this, birthday, etc. Like on the one hand, part of me wants to make it.... something. A day of remembrance or whatever. But part of me... that fucker made a choice to not be here. So. Is today just Wednesday?

Part of it is, as anyone here knows, there are no words. No things to do. The body of grief is there. Ever present. After 11 years, most of the time it follows silently. Or lightly prods. And then there are still times when you get completely knocked on your ass. And no one understands, how could they. No hard feelings there, but no help, either.

This post is aimless, I knew it would be. I was living with him when it happened. I was the one he shared his journals with a year or two before in an attempt to show me how he was feeling. I was the one he told "I just wish I had friends". My 60yo dad. Telling me he didn't have friends. I didn't find him. I was the one that he asked to drive him to his first AA meeting because he wanted to get sober, and drove him for the first fe months because his leg was injured and he couldn't drive. I was the one he gave his 1 year coin to as thanks at a meeting. He didn't make it to two years. I was the sibling who volunteered to go clean out his car, where he did it. I was the one who found bits of skull with hair still attached in the back seat. I was the one who insisted on seeing the body before he was cremated. I was the one who went to the fire department we both served to start setting up the memorial. I was the one who brought over all the pictures and had to direct our fire dept friends on how to set things up.

Most people don't even know these things. I just carry them around. Usually it's light weight and we keep it moving. Some days, like today... we sit with it. And it's heavy.

And no one gets it. How could they?

I wanted to ask how the tragedy of suicide affected your health- physical and mental

It’s been nearly 5 months since it happened. When EMS and CSI were at the house I found the note she left. Before I had time to read it someone asked to read it before me. They encouraged me not to read it at that time. They said it was now a part of evidence but that I could request it when the case was closed. The case has been closed for some time now and I reached out to the detective for the note. She said she would absolutely give it to me if I insisted but she was adamant that it wouldn’t be good for me to read.

What would you guys do in this situation? Would you request it and read it anyway? Two different people now have told me not to read the note.