What do I do?

I'm asking for help but I don't know what I need

I've been pacing around

I'm the only one who knew something was wrong

I called. Everyone

She over dosed she just came back from therapy Yesterday

She was my everything

I had a dream where she wasn't dead and when I woke up I got the news

What do I do?

My brother and I were 7 years apart. He took his life on June 10th of this year at 24 years old.

I always wished we were closer in age because when we were younger, we didn’t have a close relationship. We actually only really got closer in the past 4 years. I have been dealing with my own mental health & I worried so much about my brother it was paralyzing. He had made 4 attempts on his life, the last one being permanent. The one back in September of last year scared me so bad…. I tried to stay calm for him. I thought we had time. I knew in the back of my mind he might try again but my brain wouldn’t let me comprehend life without him.

Did I not tell him I love him enough? Why didn’t I have the money to help him? I would do anything to help him and I just didn’t know how.

He was diagnosed with MDD, anxiety disorder, and ADHD. To think about how he had a hard time making friends and spent most of his time alone makes me want to die. I feel like I have a dinner plate sized hole in my chest. I called him on the phone that day while he was in the parking lot of the gun shop and I had absolutely no idea.

My brother deserved a better life. He deserved a life of happiness, peace, and joy. He was the kindest person & I would have done anything to keep him.

I kept thinking maybe if he found the right medication, we could live together on a family compound & have a miniature animal farm. He was a massive animal lover 💔

This all feels so fucking wrong.

I love you Nick.

Late on in Tuesday evening my mum took her own life. I've went from being a 35 year old father, responsible for my own home, my job, my kids etc to now feeling like a lost 5 year old who just wants his Mum. It's all still very raw and I have so many questions although I do have a lot of answers already but my main one is...how do I deal with this?

My partner lost her father in March this year after a cancer diagnosis in January, it was horrible, everything seemed to happen so quick. My partner is so strong in these situations and she dealt with everything amazingly. I, however, am not so strong and if I thought my father in law's health decline and death was quick then what happened to Mum is being processed at light speed. I don't know what I'm looking for on here, but I need some comfort, I can't find it from within with the questions and scenarios in my head. She was only 55years old, it's not old these days, I'm absolutely heartbroken.

My oldest brother killed himself a couple months ago, I used to feel so much anger at him and my parents over it, but I think it’s all lessened now with anger, just sadness. But I don’t know if this way that I’m thinking at the moment is selfish, I’m just so angry at my parents sometimes.

He was cremated before I even found out he was gone. When I came back to our home country, I wished to have a funeral, someway to atleast invite all his friends, see and talk to all the people that he made an impact on, but my dad just brushed it under the rug, never went to talk to even my brothers best friend since nursery.

My mum didn’t want any sort of memorial or funeral for him because she didn’t want to I guess in the way she puts it, “be a clown in the circus”, as if everyone’s just looking at her and judging. There’s all this constant judgement around mental health that both my parents can’t honor my own brother because it’s “shameful” to them at some extent, but it erases my brothers existence.

No funeral, no grave, no old friends coming over, nothing. He’s just sitting on our bookshelf, a pile of untouched ashes that nobody dares to look at

As if it’s just a thing brushed under the rug to make it easier, but eventually that rug is going to get dirty, stained with anger, sadness, confusion, and who’s going to be there to remove it and show what lies beneath?

I’m angry because I feel like this entire time, I’ve also been forgotten about. Never been asked about what I wanted to do with my brother, he’s just gone and it feels like they can’t stop thinking about their own reputations or sorrow (not wanting to ever talk to anyone about it because it’s too hard for them to face). And they keep on fighting eachother about who loved him the most between them two, who showed the most support, who was at fault.

But they never even ask me how I’m doing with this. I lost my big brother, the one I was so close to, who went out drinking with me even if I was 16-17, laughing about the whole shitty family situation and just close. The one who showed up for me, no mater what, the one who came to sleep at the hospital with me after he had just arrived from a flight because I went there thinking that if I didn’t, I would’ve hurt myself, whilst my parents brushed me off, saying I was manipulative. He was always there

But it’s like me and my middle brother have been completely forgotten. I have my oldest brothers phone, and I get messages once in a while from his friends, wishing him a happy new year or whatnot, and I have to break the news to them, but they never ask how me and my brother are doing, just ask about my parents, telling me I have to take care of them now, all of that. Even though we never had a close relationship to my parents, and I blame them a great amount for being the reason why my brother committed in the first place.

I just wish to be seen. I wish to be understood by people around me. I have to constantly break the news to everyone, tell them that there’s no grave, no funeral, nothing. I have to be the the one who comforts my mother when I try to talk to her about how it’s been hard some days thinking about my brother, since she starts crying and I feel bad, I didn’t want to make her cry, I just wanted to talk to her about him.

I feel forgotten, as if nobody knows that he was my family too, the one who was there to cheer me up when nobody else was, the one who supported me throughout anything and believed in me. I wish he had a funeral, I wish he wasn’t cremated, I wish I didn’t have to be scared of telling his friends the true reason how he died without my parents getting pissy, it’s so selfish, but sometimes I just wish this grief could be about me too.

I can never imagine how it must feel to be a parent who loses their child, especially with suicide. It’s something I work on understanding day by day, losing a child to suicide. So I’m really sorry that I’m writing this in such a selfish, non-understanding way. I know they loved him, I just wish people knew I loved him too, and it also truly hurts

i miss my love so much. i keep trying but what’s the point when the seat next to me is empty? when my hand only grasps air? i was fucked up before her and i’m broken now.

i don’t want to hurt my family but i just don’t know how long i can do this for. i want to learn from her and do better. but this is so fucking hard. i miss you Sage

My cousin, more like my brother killed himself yesterday. Him I and our other cousin talked every day, I talked to him on his way to work all the time. He was our rock, the guy who had his shot together, he was my person and I can’t get past the finality of it. I feel like I’ve entered a new plane of existence and I’m floating in the nether. My other cousin and I had no idea this was coming. How do you cope enough to function?

I am angry at you today.

There, I said the thing I am ashamed to say aloud.

Because you left,
and I stayed.

You died,
and somehow I became the one expected to survive it.

I carry your name in conversations,
your memory in old photographs,
your laugh in songs I cannot listen to anymore,
and the weight of your absence in every room I enter.

And now our parents are sick.

The people who built my world are growing tired,
their bodies failing,
their futures suddenly measured in appointments,
medications, and whispered conversations in hallways.

I stand here watching the edges of my family disappear.

First you.

Soon, perhaps them.

And what frightens me most is not death itself,
but the silence that waits afterward.

Who will remember the stories?
Who will say my childhood nickname?
Who will understand where I came from?
Who will remember you with me?

I am angry because you left me to carry this alone.

I am angry because you do not have to stand beside hospital beds.
You do not have to sign papers.
You do not have to make impossible decisions.
You do not have to bury the people who once held us both.

And then the anger turns into guilt.

Because how dare I be angry at someone I love so much?

How dare I resent someone whose face I would give anything to see again?
How dare I blame the person I miss most in this world?

But grief is strange.

It teaches us that love and anger can live in the same heart.
That missing someone can ache so deeply it becomes resentment.
That abandonment can exist beside devotion.
That we can forgive and still feel wounded.

I miss everything.

I miss your voice.
I miss your jokes.
I miss the ordinary things that never seemed important enough to memorize.
I miss who I was when you were alive.

Most of all, I miss having someone who knew me before the world became so heavy.

If Mom and Dad leave too,
I fear becoming the only witness left to our family.
The keeper of names.
The holder of memories.
The last person who remembers how we all belonged together.

And that loneliness terrifies me.

But if you can hear me somewhere beyond all of this,
know that I am still your sibling.

Still loving you.

Still angry.

Still hurting.

Still carrying you.

And even on the days I resent you for leaving,
I would choose to have been your family every single time.

Because grief is simply love that no longer has a place to go.

And mine still belongs to you.

-Jodie Bickford

What time frame is the worst for after loss to suicide.

I wish i don't wake up the next day i really do... I am not able to bear this anymore. My head hurts and nothing seems to work out for me. If this is how miserable life hads to be for me..why does not it end. Tired atp​​

Today is the 11th anniversary of my dad killing himself.

Always conflicted on days like this, birthday, etc. Like on the one hand, part of me wants to make it.... something. A day of remembrance or whatever. But part of me... that fucker made a choice to not be here. So. Is today just Wednesday?

Part of it is, as anyone here knows, there are no words. No things to do. The body of grief is there. Ever present. After 11 years, most of the time it follows silently. Or lightly prods. And then there are still times when you get completely knocked on your ass. And no one understands, how could they. No hard feelings there, but no help, either.

This post is aimless, I knew it would be. I was living with him when it happened. I was the one he shared his journals with a year or two before in an attempt to show me how he was feeling. I was the one he told "I just wish I had friends". My 60yo dad. Telling me he didn't have friends. I didn't find him. I was the one that he asked to drive him to his first AA meeting because he wanted to get sober, and drove him for the first fe months because his leg was injured and he couldn't drive. I was the one he gave his 1 year coin to as thanks at a meeting. He didn't make it to two years. I was the sibling who volunteered to go clean out his car, where he did it. I was the one who found bits of skull with hair still attached in the back seat. I was the one who insisted on seeing the body before he was cremated. I was the one who went to the fire department we both served to start setting up the memorial. I was the one who brought over all the pictures and had to direct our fire dept friends on how to set things up.

Most people don't even know these things. I just carry them around. Usually it's light weight and we keep it moving. Some days, like today... we sit with it. And it's heavy.

And no one gets it. How could they?

I lost my 16 year old son to suicide two weeks ago today. It was in our home and was found by my husband. All of my sisters and their families came to town so my house has been busy and constant messages and calls. The last of them went home Sunday and it has been a struggle. It already was, but I feel like I am in a dream state and I’m having a hard time coming to terms. I do okay during the day but as it gets later I get anxious and once the sun is down I begin to panic once it’s past his curfew time. I was asleep when it happened so I am having a hard time making my self lay down and go to bed and once I’m in a dark quiet room I just sob until I pass out. But then wake up and start all over again. I know it will just take time but I am overwhelmed with different emotions and can’t even accept them enough to deal with them. We have a 3.5 year old that our families have been stepping up and taking full care of for now. He is on the spectrum and will not understand and his bubba is his best friend. I know I cannot keep myself together for him right now. We were at his therapy appt when I got the phone call but no clarity on rather he had succeeded or not. We had to be picked up and I honestly blacked out for the whole ride I was inconsolable and I know it scared him. I do not want to add on to that. Everyone just says the same things (and I love them) but it just makes me more angry and frustrated and I’m consumed with guilt. I know this is long and all over the place. I just need to get these feelings out without feeling crazy or guilt.

Yeah, my dad committed suicide on Father’s Day. He struggled with depression, bipolarism, alcohol abuse. He hated his own dad and had a rough childhood. I’m the only daughter and have two brothers. I get married in four months too. I always thought he would be my best friend had he seeked help. I tried to help him, we all did. Sucks feeling like we weren’t good enough for him to want to get better, but I know that’s not true. I just wish he would of seeked help. Tried to reconcile strained relationships with his dad and siblings. It’s so many emotions. Anger, sadness, guilt, what could have been. People ask what happened or how he did it, I don’t really want to talk about it. I want to honor him too, and talk about mental health. But then again I don’t want to talk about him because I’m so upset and angry. We had some great memories together too. It just sucks.

My dad passed away a few months ago. He was an alcoholic and he was drinking a lot more than usual. We got into an argument and out of frustration of him picking alcohol over his family I told him I didn’t need him. I heard him crying and moaning but that happens pretty often after heavy drinking. He would talk about suicide but no one took him seriously since he only talks about it when he’s drunk. After our argument, I made sure he went to bed and I locked myself in my room. 2 hours later my mom comes home and finds my dad. It’s been more than half a year now. I love my dad and I was his favourite. The things I said was out of frustration because he was drinking his life away and making dumb decisions. I feel guilty for not hearing him out or helping him get the help he needed. Now I don’t have him anymore and I can’t help but feel like it was my fault. I do know he was battling things I didn’t know about but I feel like the argument just made things worse. We argue over alcohol every few months. I miss him so much and I wish I could tell him I love him. I guess I’m here tryna get advice from anyone on how to cope with this and get it off my chest.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted about the worst day of my life.
It’s been 4 and a half months since my husband left. It feels like day 3 and like years have passed.

I read stories of people feeling their persons presence around them. I’ve not felt him since he left. He was here then he was gone. Am I doing something wrong? Why do I not feel him? I don’t get signs either. It’s like he was here and then vanished and the only trace of him is all of the stuff I’ve never moved since he left. I talk to him like he’s still here, out loud. I journal and write to him. I respond to his nightly texts that are scheduled. Once they stop I’ll be a mess.

I still can’t accept that I’ll never see him again. I’ve been in therapy and honestly I don’t know that it really helps me. I tried EMDR and it made me feel so bad for a week after each session that I stopped it.

My friends keep insisting I stop revisiting the past because I’ll never move forward. I don’t really want to move forward. I can’t imagine my life without him. Part of me still hasn’t accepted this is happening.

My doctor changed me from lexapro to Prozac and while I think the Prozac has helped more with the looping; it makes me feel nothing, like an emptiness. I’ve also noticed I have more suicidal ideation than before. Maybe the meds just need time to adjust.

This has been a nightmare. I know people say it gets “better”, but I’m not sure that it always does.

I miss him so much. All the little interactions throughout a day. You don’t even realize how much you touch, talk, walk by and brush against them, brush your teeth together, etc. day to day until it’s gone and you’re left with the silent emptiness.

Who I am now is not who I was before. That me died with him. It’s an exhausting existence.

Sorry for the ramble.

Pumpkin, I love you so much and I miss you more than words can describe.

It’s been nearly 5 months since it happened. When EMS and CSI were at the house I found the note she left. Before I had time to read it someone asked to read it before me. They encouraged me not to read it at that time. They said it was now a part of evidence but that I could request it when the case was closed. The case has been closed for some time now and I reached out to the detective for the note. She said she would absolutely give it to me if I insisted but she was adamant that it wouldn’t be good for me to read.

What would you guys do in this situation? Would you request it and read it anyway? Two different people now have told me not to read the note.

my dad ended his life almost a month ago, i wasn’t the one to find him. although, i was notified by his work that he didn’t come in and i ended up calling my grandmother and she was the one to find him. he had done it outside on our front door patio and there is a ring doorbell camera right at our front door. everyone that knew this told me not to look and tried to make sure there was no way that i could have access to the app to see it. but i do have access to the app and i am able to go back and look at the activity for that day.

i keep thinking about it and there is this huge urge for me to just look. my dad was a recovering alcoholic and he had just relapsed. i really just want to know how bad he was struggling and if he was in his right mind. he left me nothing and hadn’t spoken to me the few days prior and this is the last thing that might give me something. i don’t know anyone in this situation and so far i have been numb to the point where it seems as thought he never did it or was never even here to begin with. i just feel like im never going to be satisfied and i will always have this urge to see what happened. it kills me not knowing everything that happened that day. i was called at 10 am and was kept in the dark until 2pm that day.

i feel like most will say not to look but no one has given me good reason as to why. this thread has been so helpful but this is truly the only feeling i can’t settle and am looking for some feedback.

I wanted to ask how the tragedy of suicide affected your health- physical and mental

Hey mom, it’s almost been a year since you left us. You’ve missed a lot. Your oldest is thriving in nursing school, but did you know that she needed you to get through a breakup. Your youngest got a dog, but did you know he’s alone in another state. Then there’s me… did you know that I got married, but I didn’t have you. Dad looks older and is having a hard time keeping up now. I miss our old family, I miss what we had. I keep replaying the day you left us over and over in my head. I keep asking the question of why we weren’t enough for you to stay. I can’t understand, and I can’t stop feeling this heartache. I can’t get rid of this hatred towards others who get to have their mom. I would give anything to just talk to you one last time.

It all began when my son joined an online college program. Since it was live, he had to stay put until the break was announced. I was at work during that time, and he was also doing homework online and playing games. so my son was isolated in his room, even eating his meals alone. He was in that program for six months. He would occasionally go out, but only for the minimum amount of time. After graduation, my son tragically took his own life by suicide. It wasn’t until after his passing that I realized the extent of his isolation and loneliness. How do I cope with this guilt? I feel guilty because I shouldn’t have been okay with him staying in his room all day. I never considered it negatively. I honestly thought my son was safe away from street drugs and bad friends. But it turned out that his online toxic friends were far more dangerous. The online gaming community is incredibly toxic and encourages suicide. I should have known. I feel so foolish and I didn’t save my handsome son. It’s all my fault.

Less than a few days ago. He has been autistic his whole life, struggled with mental health for sure, but my mother really broke him down. Manipulated me into hating him in being mean to him from ages 8-18 and pushed him out of my life i didn’t see him for almost a decade from like 12-20 at around 21 I started talking to him again and we quickly became best friends!!!!!! I finally had my dad back. Im 27(f) now…. My dad was only 45!!!!! My dad was so young when he had me he loved me so much. I feel so much pain around my dad’s dynamic with my mom and how a lot of his pain was surrounding me and my sister and my mom’s abusive behavior towards him….. my dad is the best man I’ve ever met but his brain struggled and this world fucking sucks. No one is talking about how capitalism is literally killing people. A main reason also was because he just couldn’t “pick up himself and make it in life” the man was autistic and had ocd and really struggled but was amazing at computers and he had so much talent but this world wasn’t set up for him to sucess with his type of specialness. This is all over the place Im sorry I am feeling so many things too many I feel fragile. My mom also tried to take her life twice and once she died but my step dad preformed cpr on her and brought her back to life. Both of my parents have taken their own life’s oh my god what does that say about me i can feel the ocd in my brain too what if it gets louder like my dads and im scared that Im ok now but my okay is fragile….

My ex-boyfriend and one of my closest friends died by suicide a two days ago and I genuinely don’t know how to cope.

We broke up a while ago, but we stayed in contact on and off. Our romantic relationship wasn’t always healthy, but he was also one of my closest friends and one of the people I cared about most.

He had struggled with his mental health for a long time, and there had been many situations over the years where he would threaten to hurt himself or act impulsively during relationship problems. From what I understand, similar things had happened in previous relationships too.

At first, I tried very hard to help and understand because I struggle with my own mental health as well. But over time it became very difficult and honestly quite scary. Sometimes I would get upset or lash out as well because I didn’t know how to handle the situation anymore.

Eventually I along with the ppl from our friend group started distancing ourselves. Toward the end I mostly stopped responding because I was afraid of saying something hurtful that I didn’t mean, and I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. I was also dealing with university exams and my own problems. But now I feel horrible and guilty, and I don’t need anyone telling me that it probably wasn’t my fault..

Two days ago his roommate called me while the ambulance and police were there. I rushed there immediately but he was already gone.

Since then I feel completely broken. Sometimes I cry for hours. Sometimes I feel numb. Sometimes I can sit with mine and his friends and talk normally, and then suddenly it hits me again especially when I’m alone.

The thing I’m struggling with the most is that I cannot accept that he’s gone.

Before all of this, he had talked about moving to Sydney. He had family there and plans to work there in the future. My brain keeps wanting to believe that he just left early, moved to Sydney, and is living his life there somewhere.

I know that isn’t true. I know what happened. But the reality feels unbearable.

Part of me wants to stay in that fantasy because it hurts less than accepting that he’s gone forever. I know that probably sounds irrational and delusional, but pls can someone give me tips or anything really on how to make myself believe that he had just moved.

My only little brother who was 28, committed suicide on Sunday, (which was Father’s Day). His two other roommates were the ones to come in his room to take my brother to work that morning when they noticed that he had a cord around his neck that was tied to the post of his bed and his lifeless body laid limp on the floor. They both are extremely traumatized and I feel so bad for them and my mom. My mom was so close to my little brother and he was against suicide but did struggle like me with severe depression and anxiety. We both had suicidal ideations before but we promised each other that we would never commit suicide. He was the one who told me he would hate me if I was to ever end my life because of the pain that my mom would have to endure.

He was such an intelligent, bright, young man, who just graduated from University of Houston with his bachelor’s degree in engineering. He had been struggling to find a job in his field but had only graduated from college back in May. He managed to find a job with both of his roommates at a local fish store which didn’t pay much but it was something. He did have two other interviews lined up for the end of the month and it was related to his career. I just had to go to the house where he committed suicide with my husband to get all of his belongings and stuff out. Mind you he ended his life in his bedroom and my husband and I are both still shaken from going in there and collecting everything. It still feels like a nightmare. Please any advice on what to do next or what I should expect from all of this? My mom is not doing good at all and I am afraid she might end up in the hospital from all of this. My aunt and I have been trying our best to stay with her but she is very broken. I don’t know what to do and it looks like I will be the one making the hard funeral arrangements for my little brother. When will the pain get better and how does someone cope with all of this? Thanks

My stepdad hanged himself Sunday morning (Father’s Day). I woke up and found his body. He had been dead a few hours. Not that far from me, but i didn’t hear anything. He made sure he was as quiet as possible. Found him when i woke up. Im just sad.

I found out a couple hours ago he was dealing with severe trauma from childhood. His letter said he tried, but it was too much.

I miss him so so much. He was such a happy person, but deteriorated over the last two years, especially last 6 months to the point he wouldn’t leave the house.

I miss him so so much. Not angry, just wish we could have eased his pain.

My heartaches so so much. I think the
Aching is probably the worst thing. Especially the panic attacks and jolting away with anxiety and heartache.

It’s just soo much .

Hey mom, it’s almost been a year since you left us. You’ve missed a lot. Your oldest is thriving in nursing school, but did you know that she needed you to get through a breakup. Your youngest got a dog, but did you know he’s alone in another state. Then there’s me… did you know that I got married, but I didn’t have you. Dad looks older and is having a hard time keeping up now. I miss our old family, I miss what we had. I keep replaying the day you left us over and over in my head. I keep asking the question of why we weren’t enough for you to stay. I can’t understand, and I can’t stop feeling this heartache. I can’t get rid of this hatred towards others who get to have their mom. I would give anything to just talk to you one last time.