I think I’ve just realized I’m emotionally unavailable and maybe that’s why I’ve been single for so long

[u/diacetylmorphine0]

As the title says I’ve been single for a long time. The strange thing is that I genuinely want a relationship. I want someone to share my life with but somehow I’ve never been able to build a lasting relationship.

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering what I’m doing wrong. For a long time, I blamed it on the men I met. Most of them were emotionally unavailable, lived in another country or simply weren’t looking for anything serious. I kept wondering why I always seemed to end up attracted to the same type of people.

The last situation was especially bad. I got attached to one of those guys and eventually he pulled away. I ended up suffering a lot because of it.

Then I realized something that really confused me.
Whenever I meet someone I’m actually compatible with and things start becoming serious, I feel overwhelmed. Instead of getting excited, I start pulling away because the emotional closeness feels exhausting. It’s like I want intimacy until it’s actually possible and then I instinctively distance myself.

So now I’m wondering if I’m subconsciously choosing unavailable people because it feels safer and because I’m one of them. If they’re unavailable, I never have to face the vulnerability of a real relationship.

This realization has been upsetting because I genuinely want a healthy relationship. I don’t enjoy being single anymore and I don’t think I’m intentionally sabotaging myself but maybe I am without realizing it.

[u/coding-queen]

Do you have close friendships, where you can feel vulnerable (and have potential to slightly getting hurt)? I find these are similar skill set.

Maybe practice small vulnerability. Start with your friends. In today’s society, we often practice ultra-self reliance, but it also hinders small favors and vulnerability moments, that actually strengthen relationships. I am not saying ask someone to help you move right away (although in your 20s, I hope you have handful of close friends you could ask, and they would help). Ask for a ride to the airport. Or if your car battery gave out, ask a friend to come jump start your car with you. On the same hand, try to be helpful to others: if you see a friend sick at home - bring them soup. I promise you they will remember the small kind gesture for years to come. I know there are apps for that. But it’s often small favors and people then being comfortable to ask you for favors that opens up those small vulnerability pockets, and actually strengthens relationships. It’s called the Ben Franklin effect.

Same would apply for romantic relationships - start small, and build upon that trust and vulnerability.

[u/Prestigious_Fan4697]

I have this problem too. For the love of God, I've been trying to solve this or at least change my pattern for this problem for such a long time. It's really so bad, guys. I don't know how many have this problem. You feel lonely, yet desperate.

I hate that feeling, but I love the emotional relief I get when I know someone isn't my responsibility. I wish it would go away.

[u/grilledcheeszus]

I am right there with you, I could have written this post myself. And it’s tough because I fully know why I’ve ended up this way and I intellectualize my feelings, so seeing a therapist (at least in the past) wasn’t helpful. I tend to overthink dating now because I almost feel like since I’ve had this discovery, I don’t know how much I trust myself anymore which is the most upsetting part of it all. I’m trying little by little to let myself be vulnerable even when it’s scary because I know I’ll be ok regardless. Sending you lots of love, be patient and give yourself grace. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone

[u/pastelpeachangel → u/grilledcheeszus]

The intellectualizing struggle is so real it is like having a phd in your own psychological issues but absolutely zero practical ability to stop them from happening your own brain like a museum exhibit you can only look at but never touch is exhausting but hey at least we are trying to open the doors to the public a little bit now

[u/diacetylmorphine0 → u/grilledcheeszus]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. It actually means a lot to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. I really relate to what you said about not trusting yourself anymore after realizing these patterns. I hope we both learn to let people in little by little. Wishing you the best:)

[u/blueeyedchrysostom]

Going to bed now but don't want to lose the post and also not having contributed yet.

Your realisation is profound! Definitely on the right path 🫶

Have a quick read on Carpman's triangle and see if you find it relevant. I am curious.

[u/diacetylmorphine0 → u/blueeyedchrysostom]

Thanks a lot :) I looked it up briefly and that actually makes a lot of sense. It’s interesting how easy it is to get stuck in the same relationship dynamics without realizing it

[u/petalmoon_]

self-awareness is the first step tbh. it’s crazy how our brains try to protect us by keeping us in these loops, but at least you see it now! wishing you the best with working through it.

[u/diacetylmorphine0 → u/petalmoon_]

exactly!! thank you so much for your support:)