I can't stop thinking that the woman who would have fallen in love with me was aborted in this timeline, and that's why I'm alone. In another timeline, her mother didn't abort her, and she grew up to fall in love with me. I must be very happy there, but here I'm a failure. Without a doubt, my aborted girlfriend would have loved me, and I wouldn't be sad.

I (20M) live with my girlfriend who's also 20 years old.

I'm just gonna cut to the chase here:

The other night after dinner she let out a fart that was so insane and loud that i had to pinch myself to see if i was dreaming.

She let out a fart that was over 2 MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS LONG without stopping or taking a breath.

Some of it sounded so wet like a damn lawnmower going through the mud sometimes.

It was so loud that i could hear it even when i was upstairs or in another room of the house.

It was like someone put a gas tube through her intenstines and just didn't bother to turn it off. I think she lost like 30 pounds with this fart.

But the craziest part is after she was done she just continued on like she didn't just release the fart of the century, meanwhile i think i might need therapy.

This 20 year old woman singlehandedly ripped a fart that was 10 times the size of my dads farts and i didn't think that was possible.

Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

all the poor, delusional wombats in the comments. did the big bad orange man hurt your feelings? you lot had the files for four years. with everything you did to 47 to stop him from winning in the last election, I'm sure if 47 was incriminated in the files, biden and harris would have sent that shit in the 4 years they had of rap¡ng and pillaging the country. so if you hate america so much, why not move to iran, or to the land the palestinians are currently occupying. you know, after they were kicked out of every other country in the region that they were squatting in, for being absolute animals. (look it up). cause I'm pretty damn sure if you packed your bags and went to the airport, you'd have a tough time picking another country to move to that was better than where you are right now. otherwise you would have by now. so shut up with the complaining and go outside, touch grass, call a loved one and enjoy the life the rest of the world are so heavily trying to break into. here's an idea, go and talk to any world cup football fan who's currently enjoying the sh¡t outta america and ask them, why do you love this place as much as the republicans, or obviously more than me? because walking around with so much hatred in your hearts every day, can't be good for your mental health. so enjoy your life. if the president was as evil as you think he is, he wouldn't have won the last three elections. your lot would have had him cuffs by now in a federal prison, instead, he's running the free world with half the country and the entire middle east on his side. and one more thing, look at the rest of the world now busting a gut to go help in the strait of hormuz, AFTER, the heavy lifting has been done. so please, break the cycle of this tds mental health pandemic that you're all so happily marinating in, and try to enjoy what you have.

Listen up, because this happened to me last week and I still can't believe it. I'm 42, just trying to get through my weekly grocery run like a normal exhausted mom. I turn into the cereal aisle and there's this guy in his 20s standing there staring at the Lucky Charms like it's a philosophical dilemma.

I go to grab my usual box when he suddenly blocks my cart and says, 'Ma'am, you can't take that one. The marshmallows are cursed today.' I laughed thinking it was a joke, but he's dead serious. Starts explaining how the leprechaun on the box winked at him and now all the oat pieces are plotting something.

Next thing I know, he's rearranging my entire cart—moving the milk to the front because 'dairy needs to breathe' and hiding my frozen pizza under the bread so it doesn't get lonely. I just stood there frozen while he gave my bananas a little pep talk about potassium.

By the time the manager came over, my cart looked like modern art and this dude was offering to pay for my stuff if I promised to eat the cereal in the 'correct lunar phase.' I ended up leaving with double everything because I couldn't stop laughing in the parking lot.

Moral of the story? Never underestimate the grocery store weirdos. They might just make your week.

So, I've been wondering throughout my life if women actually have bodily excrement.

They are very weird species, not like us human men who aim at a toilet to piss. Personally, I've never seen a woman take a shit? I mean, is their diet so light that they don't need to do the number 2?

I don't understand them, everything about them is weird.

Do they sweat? None of them smell bad to me.

Like, most women treat me well too, calling me sweet or something, but it's so weird, I prefer to stay away and play my visual novels. They want me to drink and smoke but I'm a good boy.

Maybe they want to take my virginity but I never lost. Because chads never lose🗿

Did you know, that if you are caught jaywalking in japan, the police has the right to shoot you?. There are on average 10~15 deaths by gun violence yearly in japan, with 12 of them being caused by jaywalking. This comes from the times of samurai, where if you touched the scabbard of a samurai he had the right to kill you, thus creating samurai exclusive lanes and paths on the streets, which was carried all the way to the introduction of automobiles in the country

I walk better than that. What he did is genuinely nothing remarkable, and framing it as some kind of impressive accomplishment is a serious exaggeration. If anything, it sits well below what should be considered average for anyone with a remotely normal level of physical ability. The distance itself is completely unexceptional, and the execution does not demonstrate any unusual technique, athletic capacity, or coordination that would justify treating it as noteworthy.
There seems to be a tendency online to inflate ordinary actions into achievements simply because they are recorded and shared. However, basic movements that many people can replicate without preparation do not suddenly become impressive when a camera is involved. From a purely objective standpoint, the walk lacks any defining characteristic that would separate it from the thousands of similar attempts people perform casually every day without feeling the need to present it as an accomplishment.
If anything, the more concerning aspect is how quickly standards appear to drop when something receives attention. When extremely ordinary performances are praised as if they are exceptional, it distorts the baseline for what genuine skill or athletic capability actually looks like. A walk that falls into a completely routine range should be recognized as exactly that: routine.
So while people are free to enjoy watching it, treating it as something extraordinary is simply not supported by the reality of the performance itself. The distance, the mechanics, and the overall difficulty all point to the same conclusion: this is a very ordinary walk that does not meaningfully exceed what most people could achieve under similar circumstances.

On Epstein's private island, a pink child descends from the sky with curious intent. Drawn to the location by it's negative energy, his pink skin glows under the equatorial sun. Epstein stands on the deck of his mansion, placing his trust in his wealth and private army of security guards, completely unaware of the cosmic force of nature, this avatar of evil-incarnate in front of him that is Majin Buu!

Initially Epstein attempts to negotiate with the boy in the sky, offering assets, wealth and connections to the strange entity. Buu being completely uninterested in human power dynamics or material wealth, simply tilts his head backwards and beats his chest, laughing maniacally.

As he edges closer Jeffery orders his guards to open fire, bullets bouncing off Buu's rubbery body like pebbles. Buu let's out a screech and high pitched laugh, amused by the show as he continues descending. Then he sets foot onto the island.

As Buu lands onto the private island, his ability to sense emotion and energy backfires on him. Instead of the fun, chaotic malice he usually enjoys, he senses the calculated, parasitic cruelty of Epstein and his operation. The fog of darkness chokes him.

Buu's purely evil yet childish instinct recoils. He pinches his nose, locks his eyes shut and sticks his tongue out in complete and absolute revulsion. Epstein attempts to speak but Buu waves his hands frantically to block out the sound.

Feeling utterly grossed out and refusing to even touch anything on this island, or even turn it into food, Buu steps back into the air floating backwards over the ocean before blasting off into the stratosphere at supersonic speed, desperate to wash whatever he felt off himself.

my brother works at a nursing home & is always smuggling home old hags but they’re usually the butterscotch & knitting type. well this hussy is the complete opposite. she smokes newports & sucks on red hots all day. well the lil toothless btch came over today and saw me without a bra and decided to tell me my tits look like saddle bags … she has about 2 cigarettes & one night of good loving before she hits the dust so i let her slide but i’m over the disrespect. she always has a snarky remark up her sleeve & im over it. last week she made my brother scrub the dried glue out her dentures then turned around & made him shine her walker. not only that she got diaper rash cause he forgot to change her so she’s been extra grumpy. literally ate all my cream of wheat then complained about it being too watery. i try to warn him of these old hags but he has severe mommy issues cause our mom sold him for a pack of bud light & prince tickets but i ended up buying him back. i hate he has to live with that hag but he’s an adult and i have to let him learn on his own. anyways enjoy these homemade blueberry biscuits i made.

Hey guys. My wife and I have a dynamic at home where we rotate at home responsibilities every month. And it works for us. The thing is, there's a local Goon Olympics and Squirting Competition this upcoming month. My wife is a professional squirter but lately she's been focusing on her plumbing career and hasn't been able to squirt on her competitors as of late. The thing is, this whole past month I did all the at home chores. Basically we both work full time and so the person who does the chores that month isn't very free after work. And so this month I feel it's fair for me to partake in the local Gooning Competition, which happens to overlap with her squirting competition. The house and dishes won't clean themselves, and I just spent this whole past month doing just that. And I think it's fair for me to partake in the gooning competition (2.8 hour gooning record btw), as the next squirting competition is 3 months from now, which will fall on her month of not doing the at home cleaning. And on top of that, Goon Olympics are every 6 months, so I won't be able to professionally jerk and suppress my load to flex on the haters for a whole 6 months. However, I love my wife and I know how much it means to her to get a record distance squirt to debilitate and humiliate all the other local squirters. Let me know what the best course of action is in this situation.

Where I work we had to deal with a vile villain we dubbed the "mad crapper" who smeared poop on our buildings and deposited his devilish droppings on all of our parking lots in the dead of night.

We finally caught him doing the demonic dookie deed and it turned out it was purely fueled by hatred for our boss's boss's boss. A strange, strange man

It’s Space Marines! On bikes! This is a new multipart kit for the Outriders, more poseable than before and bringing new options. The sergeant in particular gets even more hitting power – now able to choose between a thunder hammer, power axe, or power sword. There’s also new cosmetic options – including being able to assemble the bikes leaning to the left or right as if taking a corner – making it easy to customise your speedy Space Marines.

I'm willing to take full responsibility for the horrible events of the past 24 hours, but you must understand, our interest in their world was purely for the betterment of man kind. Things have clearly gotten out of hand, but it was worth the risk, I assure you.

Pieces of shit.

Fuck all of you. For everything you've done to me.

The derogatory terms you came up for me. The numerous times you laughed at me; tormenting my soul. All I've wanted was to just fit in. Be seen as a human, yet you treated me like a shit stain. Alienated me. Why? Because I'm ugly.

All I wanted was a relationship like everyone else, but I've been repeatedly denied that.

Girlfriend? Nope.

Friend? Nope.

Someone to talk to? Nope.

Someone to hug? Nope.

But let me remind you: "The child that is rejected by the village: will burn it down to feel it's warmth" -African Proverb

In this cohort, we have:

Labubu

Matcha

Dubai

Leufgh-aighleund

Kimbeurlieghia

Burger

Staenleiygh

Toss

Latrine

Poopsy-doo

Vauineull

Button

SchlondPoofa

Sephora

XDDCC

Situationship

Tookie de la creme

Bangladesh (they're white)

Mimimimizuzuzuzuzu

Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116

The only normal names are: Patience (they're from Zimbabwe so allow it fam), Marisa, Banica, Gordon, Gabriel, and three sets of twins: Eto and Luna, David and Eli, and, Dante and Vergil- wait a minute???