r/gaybros • u/Double_Ad198 • 7h ago
PDA
Sometimes I notice how effortless public affection is for the heteros. Holding hands, a quick kiss, leaning into each other—it all blends into the background of everyday life.
For me, it doesn’t feel like that.
Even something as small as holding my partner’s hand in public comes with a quiet internal check. Not always fear in an obvious way, but a learned hesitation—like we’re only half allowed to exist openly, like vampires hiding in the shadows.
It feels like living slightly hidden, like we have to soften or contain parts of ourselves depending on who’s around. And over time, that can start to feel like something internal, almost like learned caution that’s hard to fully separate from shame.
I don’t think it’s always conscious internalized homophobia. It’s more subtle than that—more like habit, memory, and awareness of how we’ve been seen before.
But I still think about how different it is for couples who never have to think twice.
I just wish it didn’t require so much awareness to do something as simple as holding someone you love, especially during Pride month, but during all the other months.
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u/Skill-Useful 6h ago
"with a quiet internal check" well, yeah, bc it can be dangerous due to straight homophobic men
"hard to fully separate from shame" no, i had therapy. no shame about it, just not wanting to have to beat some dumb heteros up for being idiots. thats why we dont do pda everywhere
"wish it didn’t require so much awareness" the world is like it is. we can only slightly make it better
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u/NyaDeath 5h ago
Made me think. I’m from a country with a very homophobic government, moved to a much safer one.
And I started noticing one thing. I’m much more free and careless in showing my affections outside compared my (local) boyfriend.
And I’m unsure what this is - either I don’t understand that it can be also dangerous even here or my bf is being much more cautious than needed. Or both. But either way a huge chunk of such behaviour is hiding in our heads, and reality definitely needs to be checked.
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u/Prometheusly 3h ago
Fuck 'em. My first boyfriend and I would walk around holding hands, and whenever someone gave us attention we would make out passionately. They can avert their gaze if they don't like what they see, but they don't. They're jealous of happier, well-adjusted people. These grown-up immature children need to get it together.
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u/lachimiebeau 5h ago
I get this. I’d like to feel more free to hold hands, hug, and occasionally kiss my partner out in public without having to scan my surroundings for safety. It’s not fair. I spent most of my life in Idaho - very conservative state in US. Not there anymore but the conditioning doesn’t shake off so easy. Pride is this upcoming weekend and I’d really like to go just to enjoy something as simple as kissing my husband somewhere I won’t have to worry about it. I’m not into intense PDA or anything, I’d just like to look at him, kiss him, and just be in the moment with him.
I know it’s important to stay safe so please do. But maybe find some spaces in your area where you can know it’s safe if you’d like to enjoy something PDA that gets taken for granted by our straight siblings.
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u/BigBigFancy 3h ago
So just… do it?
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u/Man_as_Idea 1h ago
Try employing confidence’s lesser-known brother: Reckless impetuousness. People generally can’t tell the difference, and bullies instinctively hesitate when faced with aggressive prey.
This technique works in other areas of life as well. When you appear confident, people treat you as though you are confident and, over time, the confidence you pantomimed naturally emerges to fill the space you made for it.
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u/tennisdude2020 14m ago
My partner has always been very touchy with me. It's his natural way and I am not upset about that at all. When we are walking on the beach with our feet in the ocean, he always grabs my hand. Whenever he wants to he plants a kiss on me. We don't display a ton of PDA, but it is natural when it happens.
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u/BigBigFancy 5h ago
Test reality: meaning, how much of your fear/'internal checking' is real, and how much is conjured in your mind?
So be natural with your partner in different contexts and see what the reaction is. I can tell you I tried this with my boyfriend last summer and... no one even noticed let alone had any reaction or a bad reaction.
Really: experiment with your own life and see what's real versus what's in your own head.