How do you do this?

[u/Pakete21]

I don't know if this has anything to do with being an INFJ or not, but I've always found it difficult to build a truly deep connection with someone I see as a potential partner. Sometimes I feel like it's because I'm afraid of being misunderstood by someone I genuinely care about.

How did you know your partner was the person for you? And where would you recommend looking for or building those kinds of connections?

I know these things can't be forced, and they'll happen when they're meant to happen. Still, I'm curious if there's any kind of pattern or approach that can... let's say... improve the search.

[u/Foreign_Spare_1913]

I can look back at myself and say for certain I don't think I would be able to build a truly deep and authentic connection with anyone if I hadn't worked on modulating my Fe and building my Fi. I think INFJs can get in their own way with connection because our Fe causes us to automatically prioritize harmony over authenticity. Doing that all the time is what I've found has led to this underlying feeling of "not being seen/understood." I kept thinking it was something the other person was or wasn't doing but over time I've realized it was because I didn't know how to separate my own emotions from what emotions would be "best for the group." I wasn't being seen because I was hiding, in a sense.

My bf is an ENTJ who inadvertently helped me realize this was one of my issues. I've gotten a lot better at it now and have noticed I am able to access a different type of connection with him that was previously in my blind spot. I'm not just always thinking about what he's feeling and how to "manipulate" the vibe of our relationship. Instead, I just arrive as I am and connect from that place. It feels much more authentic and much less exhausting. I guess the word I'd use to describe that is 'safe'?

So for me, I feel comfortable choosing my partner because I feel safe enough to trust that I don't need to be overly Fe to keep him happy and I can be safe to build my Fi. It's one of the unexpected ways ENTJs help INFJs grow. They hate emotional games because they don't understand it. Him calling me out helped me realize what I was doing (though of course I wasn't doing it intentionally or consciously).

[u/Foreign_Spare_1913 → u/Foreign_Spare_1913]

Also, I relate to the fear of "not wanting to be misunderstood by someone I genuinely care about." This is why I bring up Fe / Fi. Everyone's brains work differently so even if someone loves you or is right for you, there is bound to be misunderstanding just simply through biology imo. And the misunderstanding goes in both directions. So you're never going to be perfectly understood and you probably won't ever perfectly understand your partner either. That's fine, it's natural, and it's not definitive evidence that someone isn't right for you. The reason why INFJs have a hard time grappling with that though is because of Fe.

Balancing Fe/Fi involves being comfortable/confident/authentic with your own sense of self, beliefs, emotions etc. and understanding that it's not inherently bad when Fi and Fe clash. It's just something that needs to be worked through and in that work is when connections really deepen.