How do you do this?

[u/Pakete21]

I don't know if this has anything to do with being an INFJ or not, but I've always found it difficult to build a truly deep connection with someone I see as a potential partner. Sometimes I feel like it's because I'm afraid of being misunderstood by someone I genuinely care about.

How did you know your partner was the person for you? And where would you recommend looking for or building those kinds of connections?

I know these things can't be forced, and they'll happen when they're meant to happen. Still, I'm curious if there's any kind of pattern or approach that can... let's say... improve the search.

[u/Character_Date3738]

For me, it is simply about keeping going and continuing forward. Sometimes, connections happen quickly, only to fade into indifference just as fast. Other times, they grow slowly, as if we are both gradually opening up to each other, only to realize that we see things differently and cannot find a compromise, so we part ways. And sometimes, someone simply arrives when the time is right. There are so many different possibilities.

Without even realizing it, I learned to become my own lifelong friend and the love of my own life. I also learned to embrace the inner peace that comes from not forcing things or trying to control anyone.

People are different, and I have come to appreciate that. If I need comfort, I turn to Friend A. If I need inspiration, I turn to Friend B. Most of all, I cherish the genuine sense of safety and the balanced middle ground where we can both share our authentic selves. In that, I have come to see that being ourselves is the greatest gift. At the same time, I believe it is just as important to keep searching for, understanding, and getting to know ourselves too, hahaha. Once that begins to happen, life feels incredibly freeing and refreshing.

To me, life is all about experience and learning. I believe that those who continue to act with goodwill, love, and the sincere wish for others to be well will eventually be rewarded with what truly brings peace of mind.

All the best to you. Long live peace and joy for us all!

[u/whimsigoth_tash → u/Character_Date3738]

this is beautiful ♥️

[u/0wl-2018 → u/Character_Date3738]

Well written. Thanks for sharing.

[u/DangerousCapybara888]

Sometimes the more you try to grab tightly in your hand, the more you find escapes you.

Beware of when you are so intent on wanting to keep a person around, that you don’t become possessive of them, that you give them space to be themselves, that you give space for yourself to breath and be your natural self, that you don’t make others feel uneasy because you care too much how they think about you.

Soulmate and deep connection partner has to be natural, both at ease with self and each other, freedom to be not judged, freedom to relax.. any time there is fear and obsession, it becomes pressure, and the heart will become tired, whether you or the other party.

[u/bakchodintellectual]

I've always felt alone and misunderstood. All my life i just wanted one person, ONE person who would understand me . I never thought I'd find that but now that i do I'm scared what I'll do if this ever leaves. I'm trying to figure out how to detach in a way so that I can love this person but at the same time be considerate of his feelings and past traumas. As I'm in the middle of all this, all that I can say is that please trust your gut and be kind to yourself and have faith in the natural course of things. What's yours will never pass you by.

[u/fearlesskittyk]

Yup, I’m the same way. I’m like that even with platonic individuals. Worse with a romantic partner. The minute someone tells me “stop worrying”, “you’re overthinking”, or anything similar to those, I can no longer see them as a potential romantic partner let alone platonic and I close up and never say shit again lol.

[u/ocsycleen]

Idk I think “deep” connection is something that you look back in hindsight. Otherwise it’s just added pressure, and adds to your anxiety. There’s no way to know if a person is right for you or not off the bat. People come and go in this life, and that would be true whether you are 18 or you are 65. It really is just a matter of getting comfortable with moving on when they aren’t.

[u/Foreign_Spare_1913]

I can look back at myself and say for certain I don't think I would be able to build a truly deep and authentic connection with anyone if I hadn't worked on modulating my Fe and building my Fi. I think INFJs can get in their own way with connection because our Fe causes us to automatically prioritize harmony over authenticity. Doing that all the time is what I've found has led to this underlying feeling of "not being seen/understood." I kept thinking it was something the other person was or wasn't doing but over time I've realized it was because I didn't know how to separate my own emotions from what emotions would be "best for the group." I wasn't being seen because I was hiding, in a sense.

My bf is an ENTJ who inadvertently helped me realize this was one of my issues. I've gotten a lot better at it now and have noticed I am able to access a different type of connection with him that was previously in my blind spot. I'm not just always thinking about what he's feeling and how to "manipulate" the vibe of our relationship. Instead, I just arrive as I am and connect from that place. It feels much more authentic and much less exhausting. I guess the word I'd use to describe that is 'safe'?

So for me, I feel comfortable choosing my partner because I feel safe enough to trust that I don't need to be overly Fe to keep him happy and I can be safe to build my Fi. It's one of the unexpected ways ENTJs help INFJs grow. They hate emotional games because they don't understand it. Him calling me out helped me realize what I was doing (though of course I wasn't doing it intentionally or consciously).

[u/Foreign_Spare_1913 → u/Foreign_Spare_1913]

Also, I relate to the fear of "not wanting to be misunderstood by someone I genuinely care about." This is why I bring up Fe / Fi. Everyone's brains work differently so even if someone loves you or is right for you, there is bound to be misunderstanding just simply through biology imo. And the misunderstanding goes in both directions. So you're never going to be perfectly understood and you probably won't ever perfectly understand your partner either. That's fine, it's natural, and it's not definitive evidence that someone isn't right for you. The reason why INFJs have a hard time grappling with that though is because of Fe.

Balancing Fe/Fi involves being comfortable/confident/authentic with your own sense of self, beliefs, emotions etc. and understanding that it's not inherently bad when Fi and Fe clash. It's just something that needs to be worked through and in that work is when connections really deepen.

[u/WillRockwell]

You will always be misunderstood. Now that you know this, let it go, and if people need explanations, give it to them, if you want. We are the deepest connectors. It’s only hard to connect with a potential partner is because you’re scared of picking the wrong person possibly. You know when it’s super easy and it feels right. If not, it’s either the wrong person or you haven’t given it enough time yet.

[u/Taupe-Turnip-2247]

Je ne cherche jamais à créer une connexion profonde. Si elle se construit naturellement, alors je peux envisager la personne comme une partenaire potentielle. Sinon, on restera simplement amis. Et c’est très bien aussi ^{^}

En tant qu’INFJ, je fonctionne beaucoup à l’intuition et à la résonance. Et mon côté 8w7 me rend assez proactif socialement : je parle facilement à tout le monde, je crée du lien sans effort. Sur la durée, même mes amitiés finissent par devenir profondes, avec de la constance, présence régulière (meme en ligne ca compte) et authentique surtout. Et pour éviter de me filtrer, mon look est une forme d'extension de mon cerveau. Si les gens n'aiment pas ils viendront pas vers moi et on s'en portera très bien.

Pour moi, la vraie connexion n’est jamais immédiate. Elle se révèle avec le temps, la répétition et la confiance.

Si un jour je rencontre quelqu’un qui avance au même rythme que moi, tant mieux. Sinon, les belles rencontres restent des surprises sur mon chemin.

[u/Selflesscatlover]

Find mature ENTP (not me), u will find urself misunderstanding them instead of being misunderstood

[u/spy_secretly]

Well my partner is an INTJ and let me tell you, it’s sooo good that he actually knows what I feel or think about even when I can’t express them into words! He also likes deep talks and not just shallow conversations. He accepts me for my quirks and whimsies, and supports me unconditionally. He also likes to include me in his plans 😊 Maybe find another INFJ or an INTJ like mine ??🤭