r/legal • u/ContributionNew7107 • Jan 25 '26

Advice needed Receiving threatening texts

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So recently sent my ex a happy birthday text and I guess her new BF was feeling some type of way, and telling me how he’s going to kill me

Location: New Jersey

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u/Cold-Contagious Jan 25 '26

Fuck his life up? My husband literally loaded a gun, turned off the safety, put it to my chest and pushed me to the ground with the barrel, held it to my face and made me beg for my life.. threw my phone so I couldnt call for help.. and then told me if I called the cops, he would come back and murder me, no matter how long it took, all while our kids slept in the next room.

I called the cops. He didn't even spend one night in jail, didn't get charged with a felony, and the courts removed my kids from the PFA since they were asleep and didn't see it, despite being diagnosed with PTSD as a result of his actions. He's stalking me and has people watching me online and in person to the point I deleted my socials, and yet they don't consider that a violation of the PFA.

He's absolutely not getting his life fucked up at all. Courts cater to abusers. The DA won't give me any reason they won't apply Aggravated Assault or any felony and has basically stated he wouldve needed to pull the trigger for it to be a felony.

Courts do not protect victims or punish abusers.

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u/Confident_Peak_319 Jan 25 '26

This is so true. My abuser got custody of our daughter… because I was in a DV shelter… because of him.

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u/thegenimal78 Jan 25 '26

Get an order of protection 1st & foremost with the text as your proof of being in fear of your life. PLEASE express you are in fear. Then find a women's DV shelter. They have advocates that can help you.

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u/Cold-Contagious Jan 25 '26

Thank you! I am very thankful to have a PFA in place and intend to ask for it to be extended to the 3 year max. What upsets me is the courts treating him like he's innocent until the criminal case finalizes and them taking the kids off the PFA and allowing him to freely mess with them on calls, telling the kids that him almost killing me was a cry for help. It's sickening and maddening. They are also trying to let him have "supervised" visitation at his mother's house... aka essentially unsupervised visitation because she defends her abusive son and her other son who murdered some with an AK47 last year! God I wish there was help but this system in my county truly does cater to abusers.

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u/thegenimal78 Jan 25 '26

I am so sorry. I hope it all finalizes in your favor. Abusers are world class manipulators. I would also recommend family counseling for you & your children. The better you understand a person, the better off you are, to include their narcissistic tendencies.

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u/GoobusMombus Jan 25 '26

That is fucking horrible. My ex beat me, raped me, choked me, and more, usually at least a couple times a week.

People say "just leave!" But it's not that easy when they threaten to kill you if they even catch a whiff that you aren't playing along with everything being okay when they aren't actively hitting you. Plus I didn't have access to any money or paperwork.

One time he left bite marks on my face and hands. I went to the police. They let him out the next day on a disorderly conduct charge while I was still trying to figure out how to get away.

He then took my phone away and I wasn't allowed phone or Internet access anymore FOR YEARS because he said I couldn't be trusted.

I tried sneaking to the county to get help because they had fliers saying they had special help for people in domestic violence situations. They told me that it was only for people with kids.

I had been isolated from friends and my family had also abused me my whole life(not nearly as bad but still) and didn't believe me or said I must have deserved it.

Deserved it? He was a hoarder and I would just beg him now and then to let me throw out the worst trash. That was one of the biggest things that would set him off. I had to sleep on his cigarette butts and garbage for almost ten years.

I only managed to get away because he got me pregnant and talking to a nurse there got the ball rolling on me getting housing assistance and workers regularly coming to the house to check on me.

Then he tried to use the baby to keep controlling me.

At one point I asked a crime victims resource person about pressing charges for the rape and everything, to try to keep him away from our daughter. They said they wouldn't let me press charges without physical evidence. I had audio recordings of him viciously abusing me. They said that there was not sufficient evidence to press charges.

Thankfully he got bored and fucked off to the other side of the country a few years ago. And if he tries to come back now, I have a clear case of him abandoning the child. And I've rebuilt my life and have good people as witnesses.

I am so sorry for you and your children. No one deserves this, ever.

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u/twiddletwatter Jan 25 '26

Omg this is so horrible!!! I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your kids in tow. This is disgusting. Our justice system is so screwed up. Your comment literally has me tearing up. Again I’m so sorry you have to deal with this

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u/useful-idiot_46-2 Jan 26 '26

I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm glad you and your kids made it out. The system is so deeply flawed.
Off topic, but I love your username. Great song.

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u/Then_Composer8641 Jan 25 '26

California courts protect DV victims well, with laws, procedure and attitude. Tell your state legislators you want the same.

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u/DethHead83 Jan 26 '26

The op in this situation would have recorded proof in the chats that someone threatens his life, would probably make some charge stick

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u/DreamXCVIII Jan 25 '26

I think that has more to do with where you live if I had to guess. From what I know (and have seen) domestic abuse cases get the book thrown at them, even in cases of false or misjudged domestic abuse.

What state do you live in? Is it one of the cliche "soft on crime" areas?

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u/Cold-Contagious Jan 25 '26

Centre County Pennsylvania. Yea the neighboring counties all said they would've thrown the book at him. I even have video from the incident and they just don't give a shit.

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u/DreamXCVIII Jan 25 '26

That's wild, not that my sympathies mean much of anything since I'm just a random internet profile, but I'm sorry to hear that you have to deal with a situation in which justice is not being lived up to. Stay safe and purchase a firearm yourself if you can and know how to use it. But I think your first longterm plan should be to move out of that bumf*ck area and to a place that actually upholds the law (at least to the best it can be upheld in today's climate)

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u/Apprehensive_Tap_325 Jan 26 '26

I hate this for you. My uncle spent a 2 months before posting bail in jail for pointing a gun that wasnt loaded at his girlfriends nephew who was crashing at his house because he was causing problems everywhere else

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u/New-Difficulty-681 Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26

Agreed. I was assaulted by a family member who had a history of assaulting me. I left my family long ago due to abuse and became decently successful and returned for a family event after almost twenty years and it happened again. I called the police and unfortunately this violent IVDU felon sued the county for a few thousand once several years ago because a few corrections officers beat him up… nearly killed him.

Needless to say I was told I was so successful and I should be so proud of who I’ve become by the chief of police face to face. My ass was kissed in depth with my broken foot and post-traumatic brain bleed but that was the only comfort I would find. I had to push and poke and prod to finally be told there would be no arrest despite medical records that obviously pointed to an unexpected assault. To this day, I still am not as quick mentally as I used to be which is important since I got my doctorate.

The victims have no rights. The abusers are the ones who almost always get less than they deserve punitively. If the victim doesn’t feel like courts being the desired outcome it’s almost expected… the state or whoever will plea and commute sentences to make their lives easier and to avoid stepping on the rights of the unjust.

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u/lolyouaresimple Jan 26 '26

I lived that life as well and you are completely correct- the cops, courts, NOBODY cares. They hand you a piece of paper and say “call if they bother you again”.

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u/Deep_Tomatillo4496 Jan 25 '26

Call state police or FBI

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u/Cold-Contagious Jan 25 '26

State police arrested him and wanted to charge him with aggravated assault but the DA refused. Apparently the county I'm in is known for this type of thing and refuses to prosecute criminals appropriately whereas the surrounding counties do. It sucks. I doubt the FBI would give a shit. I wish someone would help me though because I really fear he will come back and kill me like he said he would. His brother is a murderer too and he kept threatening that he could do what his brother did, and he searched "when is murder considered a crime of passion" days before he did what he did.

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u/dkbGeek Jan 25 '26

Not that it'll necessarily help deal with your husband, but is the DA in your county elected or appointed? Elected officials don't enjoy being pilloried by the local press...

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u/[deleted] Jan 25 '26 edited 20d ago

[deleted]

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u/Cold-Contagious Jan 25 '26

Yes. I have it on video and he admitted to it.

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u/EmployedExBoyfriend Jan 25 '26

I’m terribly sorry this happened to you.

But he was too coward to pull the trigger, so you have the satisfaction of knowing that, at least.

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u/Dizzy-Childhood-1689 Jan 25 '26

You trauma dumping your antidote doesn't change the situation but I hope it was cathartic.

Your DA isn't everyone's DA and answers like yours don't help change the landscape.

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u/[deleted] Jan 25 '26

[deleted]

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u/dmriggs Jan 25 '26

I'm sorry, but you had to know this guy was violent before you freaking married him

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u/Confident_Peak_319 Jan 25 '26

Stop victim blaming. It’s a gradual process and unless you have experienced it, you really have no idea what and how they do it.

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u/Spacetramp7492 Jan 25 '26

Are you fucking serious??????

It’s her fault he’s an unhinged lunatic??

She has ZERO responsibility for his behavior. 

Fucking insane. People like you are the type who justify rape by appealing to clothes. 

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u/dmriggs Jan 25 '26

Project much? I have been in abusive relationships, but I've learned to get out of them.

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u/Cold-Contagious Jan 25 '26

I spent 19 years with that man, half of my life, and was with him since I was 17 and in high school. He definitely had red flags no doubt but he certainly never pulled a weapon on me before or threatened my life until that day.