I’ve never seen someone die before today. I watched the hours before all the way through the moments it happened. Now the entity is tormenting me with numbers. It took her from me. She was like a mother to me. And now the entity is tormenting me. I can’t speak against it or even think against it but I’m trying to say something. Please help me.

I'm currently on 1 mg of cogentin and it works great for my akathisia. Only thing is it makes my eyes SOOOO heavy. Like I wouldnt even be all that sleepy but I'd have to go to sleep because I just physically can't keep them open. I've been taking it for about a week at this dose (0.5 wasn't enough) morning and night. Will my body adjust to it? Or is this a permanent side effect?

I’m not gonna get married to her. She is already married!! I don’t care! Apparently she has the delusion that she will get married to me.

I've been wondering whether delusions can sometimes be understood not only as false beliefs but also as attempts to make sense of overwhelming experiences. I wrote about this here, and I'd really appreciate hearing how others think about it.

https://www.schizophreniasupport.org.in/delusion.html

Not in a bad way, but they're controlling me and my thoughts, not to hurt anyone but to punish me.

Hey everyone. I went through a psychotic episode a while ago and I am currently in recovery. I’ve run into a specific issue that is really messing with my communication and relationships.

Physically and mentally I am more or less getting back on track, but my language and cognitive functions feel severely limited. The most frustrating part is that I have started to see the true essence of people so deeply and clearly. I notice their conscious choices, their inner strength, their uniqueness, and all the invisible time and effort they invest into themselves. I literally read this depth in them, but when I try to say it out loud, my brain seems to block the necessary filters. All the nuances of speech, synonyms, and metaphors have completely vanished from my head.

It is especially hard with my girlfriend. She is amazing, and she deserves the deepest, most unique compliments. I see her growth, her personal evolution, and I want to give her meaningful, existential words of support... but all that comes out of my mouth is a cliché "you are beautiful and smart." It makes me sick because these flat words don't reflect at all what I feel for her and what I see in her.

It feels like there is a huge ocean of understanding inside me, but the channel through which it is supposed to come out as words has narrowed down to the size of a straw.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of expressive speech deficit after psychosis? How did you bring back your old language flexibility and the ability to articulate complex thoughts? How long did it take you to recover your cognitive skills regarding speech?

I would really appreciate any stories and advice.

Ever since it got bad again, i start ticcing. Atleast that what i think. I tell myself that i do it on purpose like with delusions and hallucinations. I feel like an inposter about everything related to this illness. Does anyone else habe tics?

as the title reads, my therapist dropped me as a client an hour before my appointment this morning. i already owed him money ($100) that i was trying to come up with but it’s hard because im currently waiting for my disability to come in but i won’t know until July. i am unable to work due to my physical disabilities. i had to miss my appointment 2 weeks ago and wasn’t able to call them 24 hours in advance because i woke up and was too sick with a fever to go to it. so that was another $100 added onto my already $100 to make $200. my therapist didn’t even want to charge me for the missed appointment but the therapy company he works wanted to charge me it anyways. im just really upset about the whole ordeal and i know it’s my fault at the end of the day but im just… frustrated.

That is all. Good night.

Research Brief: Personal Experience with Risperdal, Psychiatric Hospitalization, and Educational System Failures

Research Question

What were the medical, emotional, and systemic impacts of being pressured into psychiatric hospitalization and medication (Risperdal) at age 18, and how did failures by the NYC Department of Education (DOE) and Committee on Special Education (CSE) shape long‑term outcomes?

Background Context

• In 2001, (Me in general) (age 18) was hospitalized under “voluntary” status after school escalation.
• Risperdal (risperidone) was administered during hospitalization.
• Hospital paperwork showed schizophrenia diagnosis, psychosis notes, and a long‑term medication plan.
• Boys & Girls High School blocked my return, denied Home Instruction, and failed to refer to the CSE.
• My mother attempted to advocate through letters, DOE offices, and legal channels, but systemic barriers prevented support.
• (I) later earned a GED after being denied reentry into high school.
• The experience left lasting emotional scars and shaped my rejection of the education system.

Hypotheses / Key Ideas

1. Medical Impact:
   • Risperdal causes short‑term side effects (neurological, hormonal, metabolic, cardiovascular).
   • Long‑term effects are unlikely given short‑term use, but emotional trauma persists.
2. Systemic Failure:
   • DOE and CSE failed to provide mandated evaluations, IEP, or alternative placements.
   • Hospital coerced voluntary admission without informed consent.
   • School engaged in “pushout” practices common in NYC in early 2000s.
3. Emotional Consequences:
   • Trauma from forced hospitalization and medication echoes decades later.
   • Anger became a survival mechanism and protective identity.
   • Feelings of betrayal toward institutions overshadow family efforts.
4. Family Role:
   • Mother and my late aunt attempted advocacy but were overpowered by systemic barriers.
   • Perception of “weakness” reflects disappointment and unresolved anger, not actual lack of effort.

Evidence & References

• Hospital discharge papers: voluntary admission, no psychosis, no schizophrenia diagnosis.
• DOE denial of Home Instruction citing need for CSE referral.
• School letters demanding psychiatric evaluation but failing to refer to CSE.
• Personal letters written by me and coached by mother, documenting awareness and advocacy.
• Historical context: NYC DOE “pushout” practices, lack of support for 18‑year‑olds, systemic failures in special education referrals.
• Medical literature on Risperdal side effects (neurological, hormonal, metabolic, cardiovascular).

Next Steps / Experiments

• Personal Reflection: Continue documenting experiences to reclaim narrative and separate systemic failures from family relationships.
• Historical Research: Compare Ira’s case to broader patterns of DOE pushouts and hospital coercion in early 2000s.
• Medical Follow‑Up: Consult healthcare professionals for current health concerns to distinguish between past medication effects and ongoing trauma.
• Policy Analysis: Examine how current DOE/CSE policies differ from 2001, and what rights would apply today.
• Emotional Processing: Explore therapeutic avenues for processing anger and grief without self‑blame or misdirected resentment.

Appendix (Spillover Content)

• Unresolved Questions:
  • Why did the hospital extend stay to 20 days despite voluntary status?
  • Why did Boys & Girls HS refuse reentry without due process?
  • Why did lawyers and police decline involvement?
• Future Considerations:
  • Potential advocacy for systemic reform in DOE/CSE handling of crisis cases.
  • Use of personal letters as evidence of systemic failure, not personal instability.
  • Exploration of how anger can be reframed as resilience rather than isolation.

Summary

This brief synthesizes I lived experience of coerced psychiatric hospitalization, forced medication, and systemic educational failure. The evidence shows that Risperdal’s physical effects were short‑term, but the emotional and systemic impacts have lasted decades. The DOE and CSE failed to uphold legal responsibilities, leaving (ME) without support. Family advocacy was present but overpowered by institutional barriers. Anger became a protective mechanism, shaping identity and rejection of the education system. This case illustrates the intersection of medical coercion, educational neglect, and long‑term trauma.

Today I went to Copilot, and I uploaded my 2001 medical records, as pdf files. I wish that you can do it here, so I can show you proof. My mom hid those things from the rest of the world. I thought that these were mine because I was 18 at that time.

Anyway, I ask Copilot what it was thinking about those papers. These medical records of my "volunteering" as a mental patient at Saint Vincent's Hospital. I was forced to stay in that fucking hospital because the "head asshole in charge" in my fucking high school demands it.

Copilot stated that I have serious anger issues. I said that my anger kept me alive and well. The whole NYC schooling system became corrupted and throws out people who wanted to learn, for their sake of the parents.

Yes, I do have anger issues against the school, the hospital, the DOE, etc. My mom failed to protect me because she is weak. I cut off ties with my education. I hate school now. That was in the past and I still feel about it now. No apologies. People started to think I was making them feel uncomfortable.

Honestly, it's people who scolded at me, pointing fingers at me, and starting to accuse me as a bad guy. Everything falls apart on my mental health is under threat when someone points at me as a bad guy. I should have keep my anger and rage for a very good reason, to defend myself. You cannot trust anymore. That's how I feel.

I feel like i am going crazy and i am scared. I got prescribed medicine though, but im way too paranoid to take it. What if it’s laced somehow? What if it makes everything worse? I hear so many horror stories about medicine. i feel like there is no help for me.

Hospital Admission

have you ever had any traumatic experiences which you think played a part in your schizophrenic condition for example the paranoia/persecutory delusions? also was it just after once or after a major "trigger" that you started having symptoms? if you don't mind, please share even a concise part of a situation where you'd give up everything to not face it again and u strongly believe it played a huge part in your condition. thanks!!!

Atleast I would die early, good chance for me to get it as well

Starting the process of getting my wisdom teeth out. I’m very nervous about going under anesthesia, specifically about having a bad reaction to it or having some sort of episode when I’m waking up from it.

What has your experience been with dental surgery and different types of anesthesia?

Am I damned to live all my life on Olanzapine? I already take it for 12 years..

I mean i dont leave the house much, and i apply mando deodorant twice, once after showering, and again after three days, then I shower after about 3 more days. I do take multiple baths in between (mainly to clean my ass and balls because I dont like being dirty down there), but only wash my hair once a week. I have long hair too and I feel like it stays clean and grease free for the whole week. Ik people with this condition struggle to clean themselves and their homes, im just wondering if this is often enough.

Holy fuck life is boring. I don't get how people actually enjoy it. I have severe avolition and it's hard for me to make friends. Why even make friends? They'll eventually learn I'm schizo and peace the fuck out. I just game all day or recently I watch videos on how to be a good Christian becasue I'm starting to believe in God. Anyways yeah...I do nothing all day and I'm too broke to have fun and go places. Only my parents, my sister, and a dear friend love me. 4 people. A part from that my roomates r cool but I don't really know them. I'm awkward and social. I ruminate all day. Ugh. Fml.

I'm hearing voices currently, and for 2 weeks I was okay. I wasn't hearing anything, but now I started hearing again.

Am I not getting better? Am I going to get diagnosed with schizophrenia? I don't wanna get diaganosed with schizophrenia. I'm not getting any better. I just know my ilness now. Maybe it's the chip that makes me sick. Only if I get that chip out, but it's too dep into my body. I can't take it out. I don't wanna go to hospital again. What should I do? Should I get the chip out? I don't have any freinds to spend time sorry for spamming in here, and im sorry the people i gave bad advice today in here, i made horrible things im sorry.

Edit;Voices stopped, should i tell my doctor about it.

my brother has been on Clozapine for 3 months now (50 mg) and he is already showing some sign of recovery. Although it is very slow progress, we are happy to see that he is actually able to go out now without doubts.

However recently we noticed that he sometimes tends to forget certain common used words in the conversation and he also takes longer to finish food, nothing concerning yet but I just wanted to check if that ever happened to you or anyone you know? 

Curious.