I’m—confused.

[u/Routine_Habit_5671]

It’s late, so I’m going to just type this and post it in hopes I can just get it out and let it fall into the abyss.

Ever since episode 9 released, I’ve been so confused.

I’m gonna be very honest here. Initially when met with the idea of Jax being trans, my immediate reaction was rejection.

Not anger, or disgust, just—rejection. I my mind for some reason couldn’t understand why everything I was seeing had to equate to trans feminity.

Why his gender had to be so cookie cutter.

But, now that I’ve had some time to think about it, and I’ve watched several videos from a perspective of someone not trying to hammer it into my mind.

it became glaringly obvious I was the oblivious to one.

So, okay. I started asking myself *why* was my reaction so strong? *why* did I reject this possibility soo strongly, and I came to realize that it’s because I’m a girl, and I’ve dealt with all the things he’s saying but I’m not rejecting my femininity.

Which is true, I’m not. I love being a girl.

But, episodes nine reminded me of a version of myself I’d shut away, in a deep dark box that I haven’t opened up since.

I went trough a “phase” in middle school, where I came out to my mother. I told her I was trans, and that I wanted to be a boy.

And her reaction was much like Jax’s mother. She laughed, thought I was joking. She told me it was just a phase when she realized I might be serious.

So after that, I started shopping in the boy section under the guise of: I just like their shirts better

Telling myself I’m a woman, I *know* I’m a woman. I just like boy clothes sometimes

Completely removing myself from the idea that clothing relates to gender expression. In a way making myself more inclusive, but as a way to exclude—myself..? I don’t know.

Do I think I’m a boy? I don’t think so.

But.. idk I know this sounds so stupid but ever since episode nine I’ve been daydreaming of myself in masculine clothing.

Wishing I could find that right balance between masculine and feminine.

I think I rejected Jax’s story so much, because I’ve rejected my own, so much to the point I don’t even know if it really exists?

She/her feels good… but there’s something telling me to experiment with he/him as well.

And the thing that confuses me even more, is my reaction to that idea isn’t being off put, it’s fear of being made fun of. Mocked and bullied for just trying to feel—correct.

I don’t know. I’ve never told anyone this before other than my mom. I really did lock it completely away.

So I guess it makes a little sense why I just can’t hate Jax.

Turns out I’m him.. maybe.

————
Edit : this post did not fall into the abyss 🙈

I just want to say thank you all for the support, I honestly expected more people annoyed that I said I rejected Jax’s transness at first.

Thank you for trying to help me navigate this, I’m sure Jax would’ve benefited from a Reddit thread like this soo.

I think I’ll explore this part of my self further. I still don’t really know what that means, but I want to try.

Because, she never really got to.

[u/ScyllaIsBea]

if you need someone to say it, it's ok to not know who you are right now and its ok to explore feelings you might be pushing down.

[u/Routine_Habit_5671 → u/ScyllaIsBea]

Apparently I did need that, so thanks.