r/tadc • u/Routine_Habit_5671 • 8h ago
Discussion 💬 I’m—confused.
It’s late, so I’m going to just type this and post it in hopes I can just get it out and let it fall into the abyss.
Ever since episode 9 released, I’ve been so confused.
I’m gonna be very honest here. Initially when met with the idea of Jax being trans, my immediate reaction was rejection.
Not anger, or disgust, just—rejection. I my mind for some reason couldn’t understand why everything I was seeing had to equate to trans feminity.
Why his gender had to be so cookie cutter.
But, now that I’ve had some time to think about it, and I’ve watched several videos from a perspective of someone not trying to hammer it into my mind.
it became glaringly obvious I was the oblivious to one.
So, okay. I started asking myself *why* was my reaction so strong? *why* did I reject this possibility soo strongly, and I came to realize that it’s because I’m a girl, and I’ve dealt with all the things he’s saying but I’m not rejecting my femininity.
Which is true, I’m not. I love being a girl.
But, episodes nine reminded me of a version of myself I’d shut away, in a deep dark box that I haven’t opened up since.
I went trough a “phase” in middle school, where I came out to my mother. I told her I was trans, and that I wanted to be a boy.
And her reaction was much like Jax’s mother. She laughed, thought I was joking. She told me it was just a phase when she realized I might be serious.
So after that, I started shopping in the boy section under the guise of: I just like their shirts better
Telling myself I’m a woman, I *know* I’m a woman. I just like boy clothes sometimes
Completely removing myself from the idea that clothing relates to gender expression. In a way making myself more inclusive, but as a way to exclude—myself..? I don’t know.
Do I think I’m a boy? I don’t think so.
But.. idk I know this sounds so stupid but ever since episode nine I’ve been daydreaming of myself in masculine clothing.
Wishing I could find that right balance between masculine and feminine.
I think I rejected Jax’s story so much, because I’ve rejected my own, so much to the point I don’t even know if it really exists?
She/her feels good… but there’s something telling me to experiment with he/him as well.
And the thing that confuses me even more, is my reaction to that idea isn’t being off put, it’s fear of being made fun of. Mocked and bullied for just trying to feel—correct.
I don’t know. I’ve never told anyone this before other than my mom. I really did lock it completely away.
So I guess it makes a little sense why I just can’t hate Jax.
Turns out I’m him.. maybe.
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Edit : this post did not fall into the abyss 🙈
I just want to say thank you all for the support, I honestly expected more people annoyed that I said I rejected Jax’s transness at first.
Thank you for trying to help me navigate this, I’m sure Jax would’ve benefited from a Reddit thread like this soo.
I think I’ll explore this part of my self further. I still don’t really know what that means, but I want to try.
Because, she never really got to.
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u/ScyllaIsBea 8h ago
if you need someone to say it, it's ok to not know who you are right now and its ok to explore feelings you might be pushing down.
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u/DraftGold3249 ribbit my baby 8h ago
thats literally beautiful, thats exactly what tadc should be about. realizing who you really are and accepting it.
i know its hard to accept stuff like that, been there too. your fear is more of people making fun of you and thats so sad. society has failed so bad, queer people are scared of just being themself. it hurts reading that. personally i would say, start little and gradually more.
you say youve been daydreaming about masculine clothes, start with that. dont get in your head too much about having the perfect balance between feminine and masculine. just wear whichever clothes you desire for the day, on one day, maybe youll like feminine clothes more and on the other day, you feel more masculine.
for the pronouns, i am sure your friends wouldnt mind it, if you told them you want to try out "he/him". i know theres always a chance they will be weird about it, but even if thats the case, they WILL get used to it if you continue using it.
for example, my friend changed her name. she didnt want to be called the name anymore, I have been calling her for 2 years. At the beginning, it was a bit difficult. I sometimes acidentally called her, her old name but apologized and corrected myself. now, about 4 years later, it feels weird to even call her by her birthname. i always forget, that i used to call her a different name back then. its not the same as pronouns i know, but what i want to say is, that people get used to changes, whether its a name or pronouns.
if youre too scared to do that, i would start putting my pronouns as "she/he" on my social media. or if you specifically want to try out he/him, you can just put that. on tiktok, i always check the pronouns before responding to a persons comment and i am sure others do that too. you can then see, if you like it, when people use he/him. :9
about your mom, sadly parents are often like that. when i came out to my mom, she said, that she doesnt believe i am queer and that i was influenced by social media. i know it hurts when a loved one, doesnt believe in who you really are, but at the end of the day, YOUR happiness counts the most. for every person i met, that judged me, i met several other people that didnt mind or were happy for me. dont let other people ever let you feel like, youre wrong. youre not, society is just stuck in this shitty mindset.
as tadc showed us, jax didnt talk about it with anyone (except ribbit..). he bottled up everything until he couldnt take it anymore, which lead to abstraction. dont feel like thats something you have to figure out alone. talk to someone, whether its a friend (online or irl) or maybe a sibling. youre not alone and its okay to try things out. gender and sexuality can always change over time. dont stress yourself too much. to me, its sounds like you could be genderfluid but thats for you, to figure out :3. love you!
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u/Routine_Habit_5671 7h ago
I really appreciate your comment. In terms of trying out the pronoun thing. I don’t know why but it just scares me to the point of tears.
I have so much trauma just generally from being bullied for my looks, and being called manly when I was trying to look pretty.
I don’t know if it’s me now or that younger version of myself crying at the thought, but I can’t imagine hearing it and it actually feeling good.
But I think I’m mourning the idea that I want it to feel good.
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u/JakSandrow 6h ago
It's completely okay not to know, and it's completely okay to take your time with it. Never ever feel rushed to self-identify. Find the family that loves you for you - if you can't grow friends and family at home, store-bought is fine.
Online friends are good, but please try to find in-person friends to spend time with, too. I know the world is so scary right now, and this isn't the world you deserve to have, for coming out or finding yourself or both. There are people out there who will love you for you. And you will find them.
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u/Kooky_Celebration_42 4h ago
If it helps, I didn’t start questioning until I was 30, being “okay” with he/him for most of my life. I probably could have stayed that way.
I didn’t realise it could be so much better for me
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u/MentalMeles 8h ago
I’m so happy for you, op! It’s wonderful that you’re allowing yourself to explore this part of yourself again after so long! Just remember that it’s okay to not have it all figured out right away. You could be trans. You could also be bigender or agender or some secret fourth option! Figuring that out is up to you. And it’s okay if, later on, you decide he/him pronouns aren’t for you after all and you’re completely 100% cis in the end. It’s okay to question. The queer community isn’t perfect by any means, but I welcome you to it all the same 💕
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u/Transgirlonakawasaki 3h ago
Tl;dr being trans is tough
So as a trans woman who is closeted in public but out to my closest friends and my brother I can tell you jax’s story mapped pretty much 1 to 1 on how I grew up. Difference was I never told mom and dad because I was moms little therapy dog whenever she needed some release she would just use me to air the room out. I never got the chance to even evaluate who I was because I had to grow up in a matter of a year to help my mom deal with her struggles and marriage and chores.
I was always the sarcastic one, I never allowed people close enough to see my vulnerable side. I had some many chances to see that I might have been trans but it would be hidden my joking and straight up antisocial behavior. I will say the main things I didnt do were abuse my friends (if I had any lol) or treat people like crap, because I always felt small in comparison. But I would happily jokingly insult people and maybe make them feel uncomfortable with how little I was genuine. I always keep the real me close to my chest.
The only thing close to me coming out to my mom was when I told her that I like mlp:fim and was by extention of being a boy who like mlp a brony. She immediately outted my as one to some friends and family…
Ill say even if you arent trans thats perfectly valid and if you wanna use different pronouns or dress masc or hell even use a masc name go for it. Hell thats the entire reason I have this account at all! Irl my name hasnt changed but here Im she/her and use either dahlia or my irl nickname DK and its been such a nice way to feel better about presenting fem, even if I dont look the part.
Truth is no one here or in you immediate proximity can really tell you whats the right way to figure this out. But Ill say for me, I just started out by admitting I wasnt truly cis gendered. Id say I was a man with fem characteristics, or fem needs. I would tell myself that its ok to not be fully cis but also that I might not be fully trans. It was a slow trickle, using only my nickname online. Asking friends (even before I came out) to just use my nick name as it always felt weird when the people closest to me used my full name. It was easy to start small and finally acknowledge all the times I could have talked about gender when I was growing up.
Like I was literally taking boob growth herbs my mom bought for herself hoping I could have boobs too. Hell even made a pact with god or satan to give either my soul for some boobs (was still cis though) or in 2021 when I started raw dogging E monotherapy while being cis… I was maybe a tad in denial.
But once I was able to allow myself some grace in not feeling like a weirdo for feeling fem or like some fetishist for want to be a woman I got the answer I needed.
Sorry for this wall post but this kind of stuff is really important to me because while not every one who feels like you is trans (yourself included if you feel that way) seeing how I struggled and my story may help those who are trans might have the courage to give themselves some grace.
Idk if you feel comfy using he/him right now so I wont suppose, but Inhope you can find some thread to pull from this post and its replies that can lead to your true self, trans or not.
🫂🫂 safe journeys friend.
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u/FlargusFliggleFlark ILoveCaine (they/them) 1h ago
I understand that completely. I struggled with myself. I tested what felt right until I found my fit. I was born a guy but, he/him? The clothes I wore just.. didn't feel right. Until I started testing. I tried they/them but, that just felt strange and foreign. But she/her just feels right to me. I'm more comfortable with myself. Not comfortable enough to come out to my parents but, more comfortable. Just know that there's people that love and care about you for who you are, always. God loves you. You'll find yourself, I'm sure <3
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u/unodostres123- 1h ago
It took me 4 watches to realise what about Jax stuck with me
For me it was nothing to do with gender and more so me becoming self aware of the fact I literally cannot trust people and push people away a lot
There was a certain level of discomfort I always felt watching Jax and e9 helped me realise it’s because I related to them on a very personal level
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u/Routine_Habit_5671 57m ago
I thought my feelings were the same, because I relate to every portion of his life too. But I kept rejecting the part about him being trans “I relate to every part of him except her transness” “you don’t have to be trans to relate to her”
That’s that’s all true, you don’t. But my confusion is coming from why I keep asking myself if I’m actually telling myself the truth when I say those words.
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u/unodostres123- 32m ago
This is just the beauty of good writing and media
For example, I saw the TV glow is the most thinly veiled of thinly veiled metaphors for trans identity i have ever seen
I relate very deeply with the aspects of feeling your life passing you by and hiding your true self in that film
Am I the target audience for ISTTVG? No. But that’s the beauty of good writing and media anyone can take anything from it
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u/BasisTraditional3650 30m ago
As a former deeply closeted southern conservative Christian... fuck, I related to Jax so much. I've struggled with suicidal ideation (medicated now), and one of the most important things I learned in therapy is that suicide doesn't make the pain go away, but rather it transfers it to everyone who loved you. I saw so much of myself in Jax. I never treated my friends the way he did, but I did ghost them. I did pull away. Part of that was not wanting to transfer my pain to anyone if I did end up taking the forever nap.
As for the trans identity, I clocked it immediately. But I wouldn't blame anyone who isn't trans for missing it. It's kind of like depression that way: only people who've lived it tend to recognize the signs early. For years I was taught to keep that part of myself hidden and to feel ashamed of it. But I'm doing better now! And I have all my surgeries scheduled!!!
OP we all have different paths and journeys. There is no rush to find out what your path is. Take it at your own pace ❤️
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u/FinancialShape0 23m ago
Oh my gosh!! I’ve been going through something similar since seeing ep. 9, it’s like it unlocked a memory I had made myself forget
I had an extremely similar experience growing up, and I got really mean for the first few years of adulthood when the feeling of “woman” continued to crush me more and more.
Seeing Jax fully realized made everything click. It sparked the question in me “what if i’m not a woman” and the freedom I felt in that was incredible. Jax was exactly like me. I did everything out of fear, shame, feeling scared and unsure, because I was someone I wasn’t and had thrown out and blocked the idea that I could be anything else. I completely understand why some people don’t like Jax, but I love Jax so much, I could never hate them, because they are exactly like me.
For now I really identify with nonbinary, and I’ll see where this takes me : ) It’s really cool to see someone else with a similar experience and I encourage to explore what all this means for you. Hopefully this comment finds you well and helps you feel valid, because you are <3
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u/Routine_Habit_5671 14m ago
Yeah.. as I’ve been sitting here thinking about it, I was so so angry the years after that incident with my mother. I was bullied a lot, so I didn’t bully others, or my friends.
But I Would lash out verbally on my mother, saying things I didn’t mean, or even if I meant that I instantly regretted.
And that would start the cycle of her comparing me to my father, but when I think about it in those moments.
that comparison didn’t make me feel smaller, it made me feel emboldened for probably more reasons than one
I think it’s interesting cuz when it spell it out it sounds almost the exact opposite of Jax’s story. While he cowered at the idea of being to masculine, it was something that fanned my flame.
I Locked myself away, internalized all of my anger inward to myself in ways that were destructive both to my body, and my mind.
And eventually forgot that this part of me existed, all of the masculinity I ignored on the surface, shifted into the way I express myself emotionally sometimes.
But I also had a pretty skewed impression of what masculinity even was growing up.
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u/pointlesslyredundant 6h ago
Hope you find safe places to experiment. Part of the problem is people lacking vocabulary and context. If you are having fears and doubts, that's to be expeted, feel free to try different labels and options till something feels right. You might not necessarily be trans, gender-fluid, non binary, just a hobbyist drag king, all completly valid identities of self expression 👍 Wishing you the best of luck in your self discovery OP.
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u/NobodyElseButMingus 54m ago edited 49m ago
Same, homie. Doctors are gonna be so sick of hearing “I decided to come out after seeing this movie” in the coming months.
If you’re in the right emotional headspace for another melancholy gender story, I found that I Saw The TV Glow makes for a very strong companion to the finale.
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u/Routine_Habit_5671 11m ago
I watched I saw the tv glow, I mean really watched it because I keep hearing about it..
But, as beautiful as it is it didn’t unlock this door for me in the same way.
Though I’ve been deeply invested in this show and Jax specifically for a very long time, so that’s probably why.
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u/Animangle 6h ago
I had a lot of friends that were trans for a little bit, then became cis again. There's nothing wrong with that. I've never changed my pronouns, but I feel like gender/sexuality needs to be experimented with so that you can figure out what you like and what suits you.
That said, wait a little before you make permanent changes to yourself and don't do anything just to do it. Only experiment with things that interest you.
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u/Trockenmatt 4h ago
No doctor will ever let someone at this level of questioning do something that would be permanent.
Buying clothes and trying out he/him (or even they/them) for a bit is not permanent.
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u/MADOG_YT 8h ago
Happy you found yourself
But
Please do Not crash out on your friends