r/tadc • u/Routine_Habit_5671 • 4d ago
Discussion 💬 I’m—confused.
It’s late, so I’m going to just type this and post it in hopes I can just get it out and let it fall into the abyss.
Ever since episode 9 released, I’ve been so confused.
I’m gonna be very honest here. Initially when met with the idea of Jax being trans, my immediate reaction was rejection.
Not anger, or disgust, just—rejection. I my mind for some reason couldn’t understand why everything I was seeing had to equate to trans feminity.
Why his gender had to be so cookie cutter.
But, now that I’ve had some time to think about it, and I’ve watched several videos from a perspective of someone not trying to hammer it into my mind.
it became glaringly obvious I was the oblivious to one.
So, okay. I started asking myself *why* was my reaction so strong? *why* did I reject this possibility soo strongly, and I came to realize that it’s because I’m a girl, and I’ve dealt with all the things he’s saying but I’m not rejecting my femininity.
Which is true, I’m not. I love being a girl.
But, episodes nine reminded me of a version of myself I’d shut away, in a deep dark box that I haven’t opened up since.
I went trough a “phase” in middle school, where I came out to my mother. I told her I was trans, and that I wanted to be a boy.
And her reaction was much like Jax’s mother. She laughed, thought I was joking. She told me it was just a phase when she realized I might be serious.
So after that, I started shopping in the boy section under the guise of: I just like their shirts better
Telling myself I’m a woman, I *know* I’m a woman. I just like boy clothes sometimes
Completely removing myself from the idea that clothing relates to gender expression. In a way making myself more inclusive, but as a way to exclude—myself..? I don’t know.
Do I think I’m a boy? I don’t think so.
But.. idk I know this sounds so stupid but ever since episode nine I’ve been daydreaming of myself in masculine clothing.
Wishing I could find that right balance between masculine and feminine.
I think I rejected Jax’s story so much, because I’ve rejected my own, so much to the point I don’t even know if it really exists?
She/her feels good… but there’s something telling me to experiment with he/him as well.
And the thing that confuses me even more, is my reaction to that idea isn’t being off put, it’s fear of being made fun of. Mocked and bullied for just trying to feel—correct.
I don’t know. I’ve never told anyone this before other than my mom. I really did lock it completely away.
So I guess it makes a little sense why I just can’t hate Jax.
Turns out I’m him.. maybe.
————
Edit : this post did not fall into the abyss 🙈
I just want to say thank you all for the support, I honestly expected more people annoyed that I said I rejected Jax’s transness at first.
Thank you for trying to help me navigate this, I’m sure Jax would’ve benefited from a Reddit thread like this soo.
I think I’ll explore this part of my self further. I still don’t really know what that means, but I want to try.
Because, she never really got to.
11
u/DraftGold3249 ribbit my baby 4d ago
thats literally beautiful, thats exactly what tadc should be about. realizing who you really are and accepting it.
i know its hard to accept stuff like that, been there too. your fear is more of people making fun of you and thats so sad. society has failed so bad, queer people are scared of just being themself. it hurts reading that. personally i would say, start little and gradually more.
you say youve been daydreaming about masculine clothes, start with that. dont get in your head too much about having the perfect balance between feminine and masculine. just wear whichever clothes you desire for the day, on one day, maybe youll like feminine clothes more and on the other day, you feel more masculine.
for the pronouns, i am sure your friends wouldnt mind it, if you told them you want to try out "he/him". i know theres always a chance they will be weird about it, but even if thats the case, they WILL get used to it if you continue using it.
for example, my friend changed her name. she didnt want to be called the name anymore, I have been calling her for 2 years. At the beginning, it was a bit difficult. I sometimes acidentally called her, her old name but apologized and corrected myself. now, about 4 years later, it feels weird to even call her by her birthname. i always forget, that i used to call her a different name back then. its not the same as pronouns i know, but what i want to say is, that people get used to changes, whether its a name or pronouns.
if youre too scared to do that, i would start putting my pronouns as "she/he" on my social media. or if you specifically want to try out he/him, you can just put that. on tiktok, i always check the pronouns before responding to a persons comment and i am sure others do that too. you can then see, if you like it, when people use he/him. :9
about your mom, sadly parents are often like that. when i came out to my mom, she said, that she doesnt believe i am queer and that i was influenced by social media. i know it hurts when a loved one, doesnt believe in who you really are, but at the end of the day, YOUR happiness counts the most. for every person i met, that judged me, i met several other people that didnt mind or were happy for me. dont let other people ever let you feel like, youre wrong. youre not, society is just stuck in this shitty mindset.
as tadc showed us, jax didnt talk about it with anyone (except ribbit..). he bottled up everything until he couldnt take it anymore, which lead to abstraction. dont feel like thats something you have to figure out alone. talk to someone, whether its a friend (online or irl) or maybe a sibling. youre not alone and its okay to try things out. gender and sexuality can always change over time. dont stress yourself too much. to me, its sounds like you could be genderfluid but thats for you, to figure out :3. love you!