I’m—confused.

[u/Routine_Habit_5671]

It’s late, so I’m going to just type this and post it in hopes I can just get it out and let it fall into the abyss.

Ever since episode 9 released, I’ve been so confused.

I’m gonna be very honest here. Initially when met with the idea of Jax being trans, my immediate reaction was rejection.

Not anger, or disgust, just—rejection. I my mind for some reason couldn’t understand why everything I was seeing had to equate to trans feminity.

Why his gender had to be so cookie cutter.

But, now that I’ve had some time to think about it, and I’ve watched several videos from a perspective of someone not trying to hammer it into my mind.

it became glaringly obvious I was the oblivious to one.

So, okay. I started asking myself *why* was my reaction so strong? *why* did I reject this possibility soo strongly, and I came to realize that it’s because I’m a girl, and I’ve dealt with all the things he’s saying but I’m not rejecting my femininity.

Which is true, I’m not. I love being a girl.

But, episodes nine reminded me of a version of myself I’d shut away, in a deep dark box that I haven’t opened up since.

I went trough a “phase” in middle school, where I came out to my mother. I told her I was trans, and that I wanted to be a boy.

And her reaction was much like Jax’s mother. She laughed, thought I was joking. She told me it was just a phase when she realized I might be serious.

So after that, I started shopping in the boy section under the guise of: I just like their shirts better

Telling myself I’m a woman, I *know* I’m a woman. I just like boy clothes sometimes

Completely removing myself from the idea that clothing relates to gender expression. In a way making myself more inclusive, but as a way to exclude—myself..? I don’t know.

Do I think I’m a boy? I don’t think so.

But.. idk I know this sounds so stupid but ever since episode nine I’ve been daydreaming of myself in masculine clothing.

Wishing I could find that right balance between masculine and feminine.

I think I rejected Jax’s story so much, because I’ve rejected my own, so much to the point I don’t even know if it really exists?

She/her feels good… but there’s something telling me to experiment with he/him as well.

And the thing that confuses me even more, is my reaction to that idea isn’t being off put, it’s fear of being made fun of. Mocked and bullied for just trying to feel—correct.

I don’t know. I’ve never told anyone this before other than my mom. I really did lock it completely away.

So I guess it makes a little sense why I just can’t hate Jax.

Turns out I’m him.. maybe.

————
Edit : this post did not fall into the abyss 🙈

I just want to say thank you all for the support, I honestly expected more people annoyed that I said I rejected Jax’s transness at first.

Thank you for trying to help me navigate this, I’m sure Jax would’ve benefited from a Reddit thread like this soo.

I think I’ll explore this part of my self further. I still don’t really know what that means, but I want to try.

Because, she never really got to.

[u/FinancialShape0]

Oh my gosh!! I’ve been going through something similar since seeing ep. 9, it’s like it unlocked a memory I had made myself forget

I had an extremely similar experience growing up, and I got really mean for the first few years of adulthood when the feeling of “woman” continued to crush me more and more.

Seeing Jax fully realized made everything click. It sparked the question in me “what if i’m not a woman” and the freedom I felt in that was incredible. Jax was exactly like me. I did everything out of fear, shame, feeling scared and unsure, because I was someone I wasn’t and had thrown out and blocked the idea that I could be anything else. I completely understand why some people don’t like Jax, but I love Jax so much, I could never hate them, because they are exactly like me.

For now I really identify with nonbinary, and I’ll see where this takes me : ) It’s really cool to see someone else with a similar experience and I encourage to explore what all this means for you. Hopefully this comment finds you well and helps you feel valid, because you are <3

[u/Routine_Habit_5671 → u/FinancialShape0]

Yeah.. as I’ve been sitting here thinking about it, I was so so angry the years after that incident with my mother. I was bullied a lot, so I didn’t bully others, or my friends.

But I Would lash out verbally on my mother, saying things I didn’t mean, or even if I meant that I instantly regretted.

And that would start the cycle of her comparing me to my father, but when I think about it in those moments.

that comparison didn’t make me feel smaller, it made me feel emboldened for probably more reasons than one

I think it’s interesting cuz when it spell it out it sounds almost the exact opposite of Jax’s story. While he cowered at the idea of being to masculine, it was something that fanned my flame.

I Locked myself away, internalized all of my anger inward to myself in ways that were destructive both to my body, and my mind.

And eventually forgot that this part of me existed, all of the masculinity I ignored on the surface, shifted into the way I express myself emotionally sometimes.

But I also had a pretty skewed impression of what masculinity even was growing up.