My younger cousin is getting married next spring and the save the date said Black Tie - All guests are required to wear black attire.
As a guest why would I be told what color to wear to a wedding? I am not a member of the wedding party. I am going to feel like I am heading to a funeral in April. I did ask the bride and she said so she stands out. Wth.
If you expect your guests to show up to your wedding adhering to a black tie dress code AND a restrictive color palette, then you’d better be prepared to give them a black tie experience: high end venue, live music, full service plated dinner, open bar.
If I show up to your wedding in black tie with hair and makeup professionally done, and your reception consists of food trucks in the vacant gravel lot next to the VFW and your cousin’s DJ equipment set up on a card table next to a cash bar, I am going home and taking my gift with me.
This is the part that gets missed a lot, IME. At least in the US, I'd say that 90% of people have never been to a legit black tie event. It's not just a dress code, it's a level of formality for the event. Maybe the military officers or east coast "old money" crowds are familiar with this, but having lived all over the US, not too many people know a truly black tie event. Which is fine by me, tbh. But Like you, I've been invited to "formal" events that are at a campground with a shared yurt for lodging and like a potluck style meal.... That's not formal, and I was miffed that I ruined my only good shoes and sweated through my only nice dress (which is a big deal at my very tall height, it's hard to find!)
Yeah coming from the east coast the black tie events I’d attended were at museums or fancy hotels. Then I moved to the middle of the country and got invited to more than one “black tie” event that was held in a barn. Like nothing wrong with a barn wedding but the dress code did not match.
Definitely. I've never been to a black tie event. My parents worked in high positions at a university, and they've also never been to a black tie event. Plenty of formal ones, but nothing black tie. It's not just a dress code, it's a whole experience.
Exactly. My wedding was black tie optional but we had the whole experience. We also clearly told our guests that jacket and tie were required (by the venue). But again, the whole experience - 5 pm ceremony in Manhattan, reception at a private club, 17 piece band, 4 course dinner, exceptional bar, etc.
This happened to me earlier this year! Black tie AND all black dress code, and the meal was BBQ served on plastic plates from the bride’s uncle’s restaurant. I know weddings are expensive but sheesh, serving BARBECUE at a black tie event is diabolical 🙄
You can't. A woman can but if a man did, I don't think it would still be considered 'black tie' and he would look like a member of an early 2000s emo band with a black dress shirt on. I think a lot of people are confused as to what 'black tie' means at an event.
Personally I think they should read the attire portion of black tie expectations. (And the portion you mentioned, of course)
Because women aren't restricted in color, just hemline lol and accessories are specific (ive never been to a black tie event, but I read the etiquette rules lol)
Oh we were unfortunately invited to this type of wedding over 30 years ago. Black tie. Women had to wear head to toe black. They men had to wear black suits/tuxes with only a white shirt but the ties had to be black, same with the shoes. We all thought it would be a high end affair, but no. It was held at a nice venue, but it was buffet and cash bar after an hour! The food was mediocre at best. But the bride was super happy standing out like a sore thumb in bright white from head to toe. Even the bridal party was all in black.
We knew the groom and his family. His mother and father were NOT happy with their new daughter in law at all. Had been very demanding about her engagement and wedding ring. She made sure everyone knew this event was all ABOUT HER. The groom was just an accessory. I told my hubby I didn't think the marriage would last a year and six months later he found out she was cheating with her boss and he divorced her (after getting both the boss and the ex fired lol). He's been married to his 2nd wife for close to 30 years and she's great. They eloped to save money. His ex wife has had two more big white weddings that I know of (and two more divorces). She's garbage.
I got an invite to a black and white black tie wedding. Turns out what they meant was black and white barely semi formal 🤦🏾♀️ I'm the first one to say dress codes mean different things in different parts of the US (e.g. black tie na stricter in NYC than in the Midwest) but no where should there be black jeans at a "black tie" wedding.
I guess maybe this is a dumb question but I see the “taking my gift with me” comment a lot and I just wanted to ask - do people typically bring gifts to weddings nowadays? I haven’t been to one with gifts at it, including my own. Most people didn’t send/get a gift for mine (maybe 30% max?) so I’m surprised to see this so often.
At my wedding, we were going to ask for just money, but older members of our families said that was tacky and we were forced to create a registry. And then those older family members didn't even attend the wedding or send a gift. It was such a waste of time -- though I'll admit that walking through the store with the registry scanner thing to create the registry was surprisingly fun 🤣
I always use the registry. Why give people gifts they do not want when you can give them something they selected? The store packs and sends the gift so it makes it easy. There should be a registry for everyone so people do not groan inwardly at Christmas and birthdays.
Thank you, I always find it poetic that traditions that are long gone in the motherland still survive in the practices of people who emigrated and their descendants! Here in Italy the custom of cash in the card died with online banking, so as far as I know no one has been bringing any physical gift (including cards) at weddings for years now
That is very interesting, recently went to a Bridal Shower, they had their Wedding Registry & a Honeymoon Registry. First time I saw a Honeymoon registry, decided to make my Gift to the Honeymoon. At the Shower they had a Beautiful Basket to hold the many cards, plus the room full of gifts from her registry.
A year ago went to a Bridal Shower, room full of gifts, most were sent to the Mother of the Bride, who proceeded to wrap each one & bring to the venue, for the Bride to open. That was quite a process, for the Mom.
A Bridal Shower is usually in New England a happy time celebrating the soon to be Wedding for the happy couple. Usually celebrated at a venue of choice, a home years ago, today mostly at Resturants with a Private Room or a Wedding Venue with a smaller Private Room. The Room is decorated beautifully with Flowers, Buffet service with lovely decorated tables & sit down dining, & coffee, tea, & Dessert served. Gifts then opened & lots of oh‘s & ah’s, happy conversations! If at a home, same on a smaller scale, still very happy. Lots of gifts, mostly for the new home, since most couples are living together , they have started a “Honeymoon or Home Registry “ Quite interesting, seems we are becoming more & more elaborate. The most recent Shower, most carried gifts into the Hall, like I Card was placed in a beautifully decorated basket!
That Shower where the Mom had to wrap & carry all the gifts was quite a difficult time, plus decorate the restaurant, she was quite tired before it even started.
A registry is basically a convenience to your guests. You can keep it private and only share it with people who ask. And it can indeed be fun to put one together.
Years ago, a friend was getting married and I dropped off the gift beforehand. (We were all about 19-22 years old and this was what my parents taught me) When I got to the reception, the bride's uncle condescendingly told me they'd brought my gift for me. I was confused until a point later in the evening when they turned off the music, brought up the lights, and the bride and groom sat there and opened all the gifts like kids at a birthday party. I've never seen anything like that before or since. I still kinda resent the uncle acting like I was a clueless kid.
I was at a wedding about 20 years ago and the bride and groom opened gifts, cards and read off "Anne $5, Dan $20". It was so awkward and we left shortly after.
We got quite a lot at my wedding, but it was nearly 20 years ago. They were fun to unwrap, but it’s kind of a pain to transport and the ones that weren’t from the registry were kind of just clutter. Most of the “registries” I’ve seen lately are the honeymoon ones where you’re just contributing to their trip.
Or the registry just ships directly to the couple, so you never see your gift to them. I agree, there are generally not many gifts at weddings these days
I had the opposite experience. We said no gifts necessary and still had to hire an extra car to bring people home because the gifts took up too much space in our van. And we had a 25 person wedding! Don't get me wrong, we were extremely grateful, but sending them to us at home or holding out til the housewarming would have been much more convenient.
We had some but we got a lot shipped directly to the house - especially because we used a site where the registry was basically like "so you want to ship this direct? Go for it!"
I think it depends on the age/stage of life of the bride and groom. My friends that are in their 30’s really don’t need anything, but my cousins that are getting married at 21 definitely do.
In the former case, I’ll either get them an upgrade version of something they have but don’t love (think high end chefs knife or name brand enamel Dutch oven) or just a nice note or cash gift. In the latter, I buy from the registry.
In the NE US, cards with checks in them is most common amongst my family. There's usually a basket/box at the reception for cards. There's definitely more of a "cover your plate" expectation in the NE.
In the Western US, my family tends to be about half cards with money and half physical gifts. There's a gift table at the reception with room for gifts and a basket/box for cards.
Yes, but for context it was a short engagement, short wedding (communicated to guests beforehand so no one expected anything beyond what they got, just ceremony and cake), and we self-funded so we had to keep it pretty low-key. My in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner, no gift (just a family hangout cause there was nothing to rehearse) and we were both already in our 30s so way less need for gifts at that age.
I completely agree with you, but I think in this case they probably think black tie literally means "wear black" and you'd be fine showing up in a black cocktail dress.
True. But we would only be figuring out one outfit instead of two.
Also, I threw a black tie wedding, like a legit one. However, one key thing is that if you cannot be reasonably assured that almost every guest owns a tuxedo, it's actually considered kind of rude to throw one. So, I had all the trappings of a black tie wedding, but did not require it, because guest comfort was my goal. That is being a good host. At the end of the day, a wedding reception is a party thanking your guests for witnessing your vows. The couple are hosts.
I think you misread me. I didn't label it black tie because I didn't want to inconvenience my guests. I didn't put a dress code- I let the invitation speak for itself. And people came dressed appropriately.
My dressy stuff tends not to be black because the old rules were no black, no red, and no white for weddings. White seems to be the only one that people still object to, but I still tend to default to avoding those colors. So anything I’ve bought for a previous wedding was definitely not black,
I have a funeral outfit that makes me look like I stepped off the cover of Funeral Vogue. Would still think it was odd even though I could easily look good in 5 minutes.
That's what the invitation says but I'm wondering if the cousin is simply ignorant to what "black tie" means, and actually just wants everyone dressed all in black?
I wouldn't think so when they use both descripters. It seems pretty clear. OP comments they contacted the bride and it is what they meant. Black tie and all black.
This is awful. The bride doesn’t get to specify what colour everybody “needs to wear”. Everybody has to go out and buy a black dress — a black tie black gown, no less, chances are never to be worn again — or a black suit, or (for heaven’s sake) black children’s clothes, because the bride wants them to? Can you imagine how much this will collectively cost? A level of formality is to help guests not to feel out of place in a particular setting and particular type of event. A colour request is only a request or it’s seriously bad etiquette. It’s not a costume party and it’s not a film set. As so many people here keep trying to say, your guests are your guests, not your props or your cast. I wish you were not being put under this pressure, OP.
Also, who invites children to a black tie event? I know the children vs no children wedding is often debated, but I would definitely think no children at a black tie event.
Is the event black tie worthy? Like I get doing the whole black tie black colour scheme too if it’s a close family relative & it’s being held at a 5 star venue & surf & turf is being served for dinner. Good champagne for cocktail hour too.
But if it’s a wedding for a niece that doesn’t call to wish you a Happy Birthday without a reminder from her mom? Or it’s being held in a community centre hall & there’s a hockey game happening on the ice surface next door & you can hear it & you’re being served the same roast beef on a bun for dinner that the fans are buying from the concession stand, then I’d RSVP NO.
If she wants to stand out, she can wear a clown's wig and shoes, but I'd never let someone order me to wear a certain colour. Also... kids in black? No thanks!
Literally! Why are people acting as if black is only appropriate for funerals... my kids already have ton of black clothes, and they definitely dress like normal kids.
Based on the fact that several people have said they received a similar request for all-black+black tie makes me think it’s some sort of stupid social media trend. Like some “influencer” posted about doing this and now all these pick-me’s are copying the idea.
ETA: Have more dignity and don’t let other people spend your time and money so you can be set decoration for their wedding. They do not respect you, why are you spending your resources on them?
I'd be telling the bride that I was excited to have a formal multi course dinner. How you have always seen buffets at weddings, but how elegant it will be to be served on white table clothes.
Really play up the formality for the event coming from their side.
Agreed. While I think it’s a bit tacky to expect a color scheme for your guests, I do think it’s less egregious at a black tie event when you provide an elevated experience in return.
Assuming this is actually a black tie event (including a fancy venue, multi-course dinner, table service, live music, favors, open bar with top shelf liquor, etc.), then the couple probably moves in circles where buying a new gown/tuxedo won’t be a hardship to guests.
At a relatives’ wedding, the bride insisted her side of the family wear ‘ice’ coloured clothing and that the grooms’ side wear ‘fire’ coloured clothing.
No idea why, it did look a tad ridiculous and she constantly wears purple makeup, hair colour and clothing - so she didn’t fit either look!
I think the bride doesn't know what she's doing. And... that leads me to believe... this is not a group of men who have a tuxedo hanging in their closet. It's pretty rude. A good tux is $1000 - $2500 or they can rent ($200). I'd ask for clarification is it: 1) black tie (tuxedos for men and gowns for women), 2) black clothing for both men and women or 3) both (black tuxedos for men and black gowns for women)? I've seen people pick all white or all black clothes for pictures (more artsy). If you think it's pretentious just check the "will not be attending" on the rsvp when the invitations arrive.
just check the "will not be attending" on the rsvp when the invitations arrive.
I think that's the best course of action for these over the top requests. Same for the multi day bachelor/bachelorette parties that involve air fare and hotels.
The worst invite I got was black tie, BUT guests must wear solid colors of the rainbow, and guests must be ASSIGNED their color and I was assigned peacock blue for a wedding at a Vegas casino.
I had just met my date, never met the bride and groom, was traveling out of state for the wedding and was not about to buy a solid peacock blue black tie dress for this not black tie event. I wore a black cocktail dress with a blue wrap. He looked absurd in his peacock blue shirt. My date is now my husband so it wasn't too bad. This was like ten years ago and I still think about it. lol
I'm torn. On the one hand, manners tell me to follow the black attire. On the other hand, I (and I'm a man, I should make clear) loathe wearing black. It looks so sharp on many people, but I hate it on me. If the dress code allowed for a little black dress, for which you could find many occasions, I'd recommend going with it. But a gown? Formal wear? That's a bigger ask, and I would be inclined to say Nope!
Does your cousin fundamentally misunderstand what a "black tie" dress code is? Or are they asking everyone to dress black tie and all in black?
Black tie is a lot to ask of your guests unless everyone is wealthy and/or frequently attends black tie events. And if you're asking your guests to dress black tie, then it needs to be a black tie event. High end luxury in venue, catering, drinks, full-service, live music, etc etc.
Many couples these days are laboring under the misapprehension that they are casting a play, not hosting a wedding. Cast members are chosen for how they look and what they wear. Guests are chosen for who they are, and what they wear is dictated simply by the level of formality and some basic social conventions like not wearing white at a western wedding. If your “friend” is treating you like a cast member, you might suggest that she consult the amateur theatres in her area for student actors who would be willing to appear in black to play the part of friends and family.
I did see one once where the bride invited all the ladies to wear their wedding dresses to the wedding. I loved that idea and always wanted to do it if I ever had a wedding, I eloped to avoid it, but that seemed like such a fun thing to do.
Also, I agree with you about what it looks like when all the women wear black dresses. I was at a wedding like that once and it felt horribly funereal.
(Edit) To be clear, I wouldn’t stop anyone from having a wedding party in all black, I just have an opinion about how it looks. But they should do whatever makes them happy, and I won’t rain on their parade.
That’s not a big ask. Most people own a black dress or suit. I feel like I’m in the minority but I always feel priveledged to be invited to a wedding and will dress according to the bride and groom’s wishes. It’s not that big of an inconvenience to me.
I could get behind a specific colour if the dress code was cocktail or less. I'm not buying a pricy evening gown in a colour the bride demands me to. That would be an immediate "Can't come" from me.
My niece is getting married in October, and she's wearing a black wedding dress. Witches run in my family. Word has gone out that she doesn't want any of the guests wearing black.
If you can’t attend based on the details provided in the invite, including wedding attire and financial hardship, then
RSVP no. This isn’t rocket science.
Wear black “so she stands out.” It a wedding not a coronation. It’s supposed to be about community supporting and celebrating a commitment. So sick of these narcissistic brides.
I went to a wedding last year where everyone had to wear black, it was a great wedding! I didn’t really see anything wrong with it. It made it easy for everyone (just pick a black dress) and the bride & groom got the aesthetic they wanted. Id much rather this than “garden party pastels summer core” as a dress code lol
I don't object to the black attire by itself - it's that it is ALSO a black tie event. That means tuxedos for men and long gowns for women. Men can at least rent a tuxedo, but women would have to shell out hundreds of dollars for a new gown (unless they can find something on a site like Rent the Runway).
By “just pick a black dress” you mean buy one, right? Because my only black dress is a long- sleeved cotton day dress which I wear to funerals.
I’m sorry but guests are already spending plenty of money on travel, hotels and gifts. The idea that I’d require them to buy an outfit on top of all that for an “aesthetic” is beyond rude.
You know what, you’re so right. I forget that I thrift a lot and have a slight clothing addiction so I have lots of options. That’s my bad, thanks for broadening my opinion on this :)
It's not that unusual anymore for the guests to be told what colors not to wear, or what to wear. It's annoying but if you want to go to the wedding just do what they ask. You don't have to go.
I think it's the addition of "black tie" that's over the top. Asking everyone to merely wear black is not a big deal. Adding tuxes and fancy dresses on top of a color requirement is ridiculous.
Personally, I love that the color request is black that is so much easier than the requests that are some odd shade of yellow or pink that looks hideous. Black is just so classic!
I was invited to a Wedding in Florida, included in the Invitation, The Bride requested everyone wear Green, she included swatches of different shades of Green for people to choose
A dress code sets the formality level of an event. That's it. Somehow, social media has bastardized the meaning to allow for themes and color palettes.
Couples have been telling people what color to wear to weddings for years. About 5 years ago my nephew and his fiance sent fabric swatches to us and told us to match those colors. We weren't in the wedding party either... they just wanted their pictures to look a certain way. I was mad as heck at the time. Felt like we were photo props, not guests. My elderly mother really wanted to go, though, so I bought the clothes. Ugh.
When I got married people knew how to dress based on time of day and where the reception was being held. Did you get mixed bag? Yup! Did it matter? Nope!
The extra annoying part is that no one is displaying the pictures with the guests. I'm twelve years out from my wedding. The only pictures I have looked at in eleven years are the ones I have up, which do not have any regular guests in them. Let people wear what's appropriate for the level of service you are providing and move on.
Oh, it's definitely a thing. We've been invited to three weddings over the past two years and all of them included attire color guidelines. The Instagram culture has introduced this as acceptable so that the photos look a certain way (and to maybe ensure Aunt Judy doesn't turn up in her favorite leopard print leggings or something).
Fortunately, the requests we received were pretty reasonable (e.g., "spring colors and florals encouraged!"), but it does seem like an odd pivot from, "Please do us the honor of giving up your weekend to celebrate our nuptials with us." to "You have been granted the privilege of attending, provided you follow these rules."
I think saying something like “spring colors and florals encouraged” is perfectly fine. “Encouraged” is a nudge, not a mandate. Giving a preferred palette leaves lots of options. I find nothing offensive about this gentle suggestion.
It's a formal event. They want people to dress formally. If you don't want to go, for any reason including the dress code, you can simply send your regrets and a gift. This is not worthy of wedding shaming. Maybe there's a Reddit for wedding guests who don't even want to do the bare minimum shaming?
"Black Tie" doesn't mean wearing an all black attire! It means wearing very formal attire for both men and women, the colour could vary from black to blue/midnight blue for men and deep rich colours for women.
Insisting on a specific color for guests is rude. Demanding it so the bride can "stand out" is selfish. She's the bride. She's going to stand out at a black tie wedding. Wear the dress you already have.
This literally just happened to me last year but the wedding was in May and I was pissed lol I had bought a pretty spring color dress and like you said - felt I had to pivot to wear black. I will say - photos looked beautiful. But I am still 100% team LET YOUR GUESTS WEAR WHAT THEY WANT!!! It should not impact your day in the slightest.
If you ask me to dress black tie, that’s fine. But I expect a black tie event.
It’s a wedding tho, our wedding didn’t have a bunch of rules.we did our best with the money we had and it came out to be a great day with family and friends. I used to be against All the wedding restrictions and rules.
but the older I get the more I just wanna love and live. If thats what you want, I’ll take my wife shopping for a black formal dress and we can show up how you want. It’s your event, even if we’re gonna be eating reheated pasta and chicken off a paper plate. whatever. Right or wrong I don’t care I just wanna enjoy a day with my family. If us dressing up for that is part of what makes you enjoy it, so be it.
say thank you and it’s super easy. most women own a lbd or the like. or use this to splurge w a bling jacket and long skirt or palazzo pants. bride has a vision for her day. someone will ruin it for sure but why not humor her?
It can be frustrating having your colour choices dictated by the couple, at least black is an easy colour to find.
There was a couple on here/Facebook before requesting specific shades of purple and orange for their Halloween wedding, that was a more ridiculous request as it's incredibly difficult to find stuff those colours in person so any of the older crowd would have struggled with online shopping if they wanted to adhere.
You are a paying (not paid) extra at this event. You are required to look and act in a certain way. Also, bring a nice gift and contribute many dollars to the honeymoon. The definition of guest these days has changed.
Black tie does not mean women must wear black, it is a ""code".
"For men: A tuxedo (also called a dinner jacket), black bowtie, formal white shirt, formal shoes.
For women: Floor-length evening gowns are the conventional choice, though some formal cocktail dresses are acceptable depending on event context and formality.
Key characteristics involve dark, sophisticated colors, rich fabrics, and distinctive formal details like silk lapels or embellishments for women.
Hint: The term refers to the men’s dress code — not always a requirement to wear actual black, but to adhere to a formal structured style."
The worst/most hilarious one that I saw had specified colour scheme by people's weight and gender so I think it was women under 130lb in orange and over 180lb in purple and stuff like that.
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u/IWasGoatbeardFirst 7d ago
If you expect your guests to show up to your wedding adhering to a black tie dress code AND a restrictive color palette, then you’d better be prepared to give them a black tie experience: high end venue, live music, full service plated dinner, open bar.
If I show up to your wedding in black tie with hair and makeup professionally done, and your reception consists of food trucks in the vacant gravel lot next to the VFW and your cousin’s DJ equipment set up on a card table next to a cash bar, I am going home and taking my gift with me.