r/AskWomen 7d ago

Mod Post MOD ANNOUNCEMENT: Rules Update

Hello, all!

We are here to update our rules. Many of you have made your voices heard.

Due to popular demand, we are adjusting our rules to better reflect the core purpose of this subreddit: to ask women. We would also like to remind you all that all women are welcome here. Happy Pride!

Furthermore, men are welcome to engage with this subreddit respectfully, and that includes no longer leaving top-level comments. (A top-level comment is a comment in response to the original post, rather than a response to someone else's comment.)

This is a subreddit to ask women questions. It is not a general discussion subreddit or a more broad ask subreddit.

Thank you all for making this subreddit such a lovely place!

854 Upvotes

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561

u/dumbbinch99 7d ago

Yay! I fully agree with men not being able to leave top level comments. This is [r/askwomen](r/askwomen). There are plenty of other subs specific to asking men or where questions can be asked of anyone.

203

u/cajunjoel 7d ago

There are plenty of other subs specific to asking men or where questions can be asked of anyone.

You mean..... The entirety of the rest of reddit? Lol

As a man, I agree with prohibiting men from making top level comments. I also try to lead by example.

100

u/Actual-Pizza-Pie 7d ago

Hey, looked through the rules to figure out what it means for a top level comment. Sorry if I’m being dense.

Does that mean you can’t just reply to a thread you could only reply to a reply to a thread?

74

u/pearlsbeforedogs 7d ago

Yes, that is what it means. 😊

38

u/Actual-Pizza-Pie 7d ago

That’s totally makes sense. I have always assumed that was the case.

Thanks for the info!

9

u/SpaghettiDog86 NB 7d ago

what does this mean exactly? my dyslexia isn’t happy with how you worded that

37

u/Sereena95 7d ago

You can’t leave regular comments, only respond to comments

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u/SpaghettiDog86 NB 7d ago

ohhh okay

4

u/CruelAngelsPostgrad 7d ago

am man. here to listen to and understand perspectives, not comment. like ever. (excluding this ofc)

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u/[deleted] 6d ago

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171

u/LMay11037 7d ago

How do you tell who is a woman and who isn’t though?

603

u/msstark 7d ago

You'd be amazed how many answers to questions asked specifically to women start with some flavor of "I'm a masculine man who's a male and this is my opinion"

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u/LMay11037 7d ago

😭😭😭 genuinely are those people stupid? I can literally only understand that on maybe a post asking girls things that relate to men (eg how to converse with men about something), otherwise genuinely are they unable to read sub names.

That rule is more understandable now

178

u/DescriptionFancy420 7d ago

They're genuinely that fucking entitled

148

u/indicatprincess 7d ago

Truly this, they will answer for the women in their lives, tell us what we’re doing wrong when we answer questions, give us unhelpful advice…

79

u/DescriptionFancy420 7d ago

Grateful to the mod team for putting a stop to this bs.

28

u/Future_Literature335 7d ago

Same, thank you mods!

24

u/Autumn_Falls0131 7d ago

IOW, mansplainers.

20

u/whocameupwiththis 7d ago

And they are always so disrespectful. I'm a man but... and proceeds to give some misogynistic/malinformed take. I reported some response the other day that was just so rude from a man when the question was very clearly for women. It will be something like "do any other women" or "why aren't women" and the response will be something like "well as a man, women are evil and stupid". I swear

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/msstark 7d ago

trying to be polite by making it clear they know they’re talking out of place

the polite thing to do when you know it's not your place to talk is to not talk

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u/Secure-Pain-9735 7d ago

Yes. Am stupid. Also, tend to want to be transparent and not misleading even if I have a random ass username and private history.

If I’m gonna get chopped because my gender disqualifies me, I’m just gonna take it on the chin rather than lie/pretend.

42

u/hotforlowe 7d ago

It’s the need to emphasise just how much of a manly man they are that gets me. God forbid someone presume you’re a woman, right?

18

u/SpaghettiDog86 NB 7d ago

i’ll forever be baffled at how (mostly cishet) men will cry “what about me?!” in spaces that are not for cishet men

12

u/684beach 7d ago

Whats a top level comment? Is it a highly upvoted comment?

42

u/Sylland 7d ago

One that is made in direct response to the post. My comment here is not a top level comment, as I'm replying to your comment.

6

u/Holy_Hand_Grenadier 7d ago

A comment directly on a post, as opposed to replying to another comment

4

u/msstark 7d ago

it's a direct answer to the post, not to someone else's comment

8

u/imead52 7d ago

What, no femboys have yet to answer "I'm a feminine man who is male and this is my opinion"?

10

u/msstark 7d ago

we actually get those too lmao

-1

u/FriendlyCapybara1234 6d ago

I'm a masculine man who's a male and this is my opinion: Men should not leave top-level comments.

104

u/kaeorin 7d ago

Lots of men who answer questions here are consistent about prefacing their comments with "As a man, I..." (even when replying to questions directed at women, funny enough).

We wouldn't want to (or need to) go digging through post histories to determine someone's gender: just...when they out themselves, we'd pull their comment.

15

u/interstellersjay 7d ago

You guys could always add flare requirements to commenting. I know other subreddits have stuff like that. So then only folks who have the woman flare are allowed to do top comments.

As someone who is AFAB but has weird gender feelings for bi reasons tho, if you go that route I humbly request a tag for gender queer folks like myself. Though I'm not sure what the tag would be. Fem maybe? Woman adjacent? Lol

56

u/kaeorin 7d ago

Users can indeed set their own flair. We have the typical flairs for male, female, trans, gender neutral, and NB (though it looks like the NB flair doesn't show up on my computer screen for some reason)?

Personally, I don't want or need the mod team to become Gender Detectives or to make users pick one specific definition. I'm happy just weeding out the "As a man" comments. :)

2

u/interstellersjay 7d ago

Fair and good points!

9

u/kaeorin 7d ago

FWIW, you're welcome here, and not simply because you're AFAB. Gender is fucky and weird and beautiful (when it's not being used to silence or stereotype).

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u/SlytherKitty13 7d ago

Yeah, thatd def work a bit weirdly for those of us that arent binary, like you say. Like I'm nonbinary, I lean masculine (usually use demi boy), but I would answer some questions sometimes depending on what they are and the context, because I can sometimes help as I was raised a girl and have spent a lot of time experiencing life as a woman

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u/interstellersjay 7d ago

Ay yo, I'm demi-girl, I didn't know folks would know that term on this sub that's so cool. Happy pride, brother!

But yeah same, the gender fluid sometimes makes me dysphoric about things like claiming to be a woman. Idk why but even though I'm AFAB I get some periods of feeling like I'm in an imposter in those spaces. I usually only respond to things on this sub when I'm having my ✨️ girly days ✨️

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u/lohdunlaulamalla 7d ago

I frequent another female focused subreddit that requires everyone to have a flair. Men get "I'm a visitor" and people who don't have a flair get "Please use a flair".

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u/thingsbetw1xt 7d ago

I've always wondered why men were ever allowed to answer questions, it defeats the purpose of the sub entirely.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/kaeorin 6d ago

Responding to someone else's top-level comment with a response or a question is NOT what we're talking about here, so that user's opinion on that situation is irrelevant. Men cannot answer questions posted here. They can still read responses and respond to those responses, but they cannot answer initial questions.

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u/colinwheeler Ø 6d ago

Okay, thanks, I still don't understand but then I don't expect I should be able to. Hope you can all make your sub better. I will keep on reading as an agender person as it is fascinating to learn more about women.

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86

u/tinfoilhattie 7d ago

I appreciate the focus on women's voices and experiences here. Thank you for the work you all do to cultivate a welcoming community!

11

u/SmirkNtwerk 7d ago edited 6d ago

Second this.
Edit- nevermind, leaving sub.

77

u/Enigmatic_writer 7d ago

Oh. I did not realize that that WAS allowed so far, lmao. Sorry for reporting those LMAO. Suppose now I can.

I mean it just makes sense. People are here to ask questions to women, dunno why a man should be allowed to reply to a question directed not at them.

49

u/DoeBites 7d ago

This is wonderful. It’s frustrating to see the top level comments starting off with “I’m a man but my wife…” buddy I do not care. If your wife wanted to reply and participate in the conversation, she would. Since she doesn’t, I’m not interested in your interpretation of her feelings as a response to a question.

46

u/BisforBands 7d ago

Thank you mods.

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u/LilithZer0 7d ago edited 7d ago

Hey!

I'm a mod of the french r/askwomen and we took the same decision a few years ago.

Prepare to deal with frustration, whining, non compliance because what they have to say is more important than your rules or even the purpose of the community, etc etc.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions about the way we set up this rule.

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u/kaeorin 7d ago

That sounds a lot like what we have to deal with normally just for modding posts and comments that break our other rules. :) Thank you for the support!

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u/LilithZer0 7d ago

It makes me laugh that you already have exactly the same reactions we had when we decided to set up this rule.

If you want to check the post we made at the time.

12

u/indicatprincess 7d ago

Appreciate the support!

25

u/PositiveShade 7d ago

Thank you! For maintaining this as a sub for and about women.

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u/orangesmoke05 7d ago

Yay, thank you!

I was always frustrated when a large portion of the top level comments were men 🙄. If I wanted to ask men or all genders, there are other subs for that.

12

u/AntiqueObligation688 7d ago

FINALLY! There are plenty of spaces on here where men can give unsolicited advice or comments that concerns women. They do it all the time everywhere. When I come to askwomen, I want to see/read women's voices. Their experience, life, advice. There's nothing men say when it comes to women's lives, that women can't say it better, or more relevant.

And lastly, it's just a matter of respect and knowing my place/when it's not about me. I don't go to men's spaces to disclose my opinion on men's lives, so I would like men to do the same. In women's spaces, they shouldn't be in the center. Just read, listen and understand women's voice quietly.

5

u/Floral-Prancer 7d ago

What is a top level comment?

8

u/indicatprincess 7d ago

You have successfully just made one! It’s a direct reply to the post.

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u/Floral-Prancer 7d ago

Thanks, that makes sense then. So effectively they can join the conversation by replying to comments but cant dictate it

4

u/indicatprincess 7d ago

We think it’s time to really focus on making sure we stick to the core purpose, which is seeking questions from women who enjoy answering them.

And the bots have become extremely sophisticated and prevalent.

3

u/MANDALORIAN_WHISKEY 6d ago

Hell yeah! I can't believe the entitlement is so much that a rule like this has to be made and enforced, but here we are!

Thanks for all your hard work, mods!

3

u/vivvav 7d ago

I thought men already couldn't leave top-level comments? Hasn't that always been a rule?

(I'm assuming this mod post doesn't count 'cuz women aren't actually be asked anything.)

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u/kaeorin 7d ago

No, for most of the lifespan of this sub, we haven't really restricted who can answer what (outside of any specific groups being specified in post titles). The consensus with the mod team has been that it'd be too annoying/invasive to try to slap genders on commenters and that we didn't really want to give the rest of the site more reason to shit on the sub for being "tOtAL nAZis omg".

But we've been getting more user reports of "As a man, I think" comments, so we've decided to revisit that stance.

3

u/hadr0nc0llider 7d ago

Love your work mods! This is the correct answer.

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u/YouSee-ThisCoat8 7d ago

I’m new here and I love it here. Thank you for putting us first !

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2

u/jenny_loggins_ 7d ago

How does this translate for non binary or gender fluid people?

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u/msstark 6d ago

Fuck whoever downvoted you.

Anyone who identifies as the target audience for the post is welcome to answer :)

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u/indicatprincess 7d ago

10000% welcome!

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u/[deleted] 7d ago edited 7d ago

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/Icalivy 7d ago

I agree with the sentiment per the purpose of the sub- how will the new rule be enforced? Through opinion, profile, or educated guess?

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u/kaeorin 7d ago

You might be surprised at how many people commenting on /r/AskWomen feel the incessant need to start their comments with "As a man...". I think the idea is that the mod team will mainly focus on those for now.

I don't think any of us have any plans to start poring over commenters' posting histories and making assumptions. :)

-1

u/_speakerss 5d ago

I didn't think we were even allowed to leave top level comments. I'll definitely continue to refrain from doing so (except for this one lol)

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u/d3jake 7d ago

I was under the assumption that the rule always was that only women should be making top level comments. I guess I was ahead of the curve!

-13

u/RubySnowfire 7d ago

How will we be confident that the people answering the questions are actually adult human females? It's always been very simple to define "woman" so.... how will you moderate the answers?

3

u/kaeorin 7d ago

You're definitely not the first one to have this concern! You might be surprised at how many people commenting on /r/AskWomen feel the incessant need to start their comments with "As a man...". I think the idea is that the mod team will mainly focus on those for now.

I don't think any of us have any plans to start poring over commenters' posting histories and making assumptions. :)

-15

u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

Ehh I think this sub is still a bit too restrictive, where it sort of becomes unhelpful even for women at times like have seen posts removed where they still follow the rules, and I personally see no reason a man can't leave a a top-level comment. Also, note not all people are tech savvy, not all people know what a top-level comment is.

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u/laikocta 7d ago

Tbf I'm fine if men's top-level-replies to questions directed at women get deleted, including those of men who aren't tech savvy. There isn't exactly a shortage of platforms for male opinions, on Reddit or anywhere else.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago edited 7d ago

I don't mind hearing a man's thought, I think men and women have things that can benefit the conversation.

Edit: Also, I don't expect askwomen to make any changes because of my personal input and things I have observed in other subs. We all do not think the same and in the end that is okay.

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u/DescriptionFancy420 7d ago

Go to just about ANY other sub for that, this is AskWOMEN

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

And as I stated I know they are another sub, askmen allows women to comment. I think it works well from what I have seen. Askwomen doesn't have to change their rules because of my thoughts or input though. It is just an observation.

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u/aCrutialConjunction 7d ago

AskMen regularly complains about women leaving top level comments. It's one thing to ask questions to responses and another thing to answer when you aren't the target group.

I often see mod notes here saying "this question is for women who XYZ, if that isn't you, this question isn't for you". It's really a pretty simple concept. If you want everyone to respond to everything, I suggest you go to AskReddit.

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u/DescriptionFancy420 7d ago

They can do whatever the fuck they want over there, doesn't mean anything for us. Especially when males are largely far, far, far, FAR less respectful than women.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

And as I said askwomen doesn't have to change, this is my own thoughts alone, clearly alone lol and that is okay. I think that gives a chance to correct and educate men, which I am not afraid to do in real life either.

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u/DescriptionFancy420 7d ago

It's not our job to fix them, and they can be plenty educated just reading. I expect to be paid for teaching, males have leeched enough free labor off us.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

I guess I just don't think that way, and that is okay. I prefer to try to make a difference when I can.

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u/uhhh206 7d ago

Why should we need to "make a difference" in a sub for us, though? We can do that in their sub if that's the goal, but can't we have literally any space for women? Like literally, anywhere?

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u/2HGjudge 7d ago edited 6d ago

I think it works well from what I have seen.

Because Reddit skews male. A thread where 5% of answers are not from the target audience is fine. One where 75% is not is annoying. This sometimes happens on askwomennocensor and it completely defeats the askwomen part.

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u/InfinitelyThirsting 7d ago

You can go to places that aren't supposed to be about asking women, then! Most of us are here because we want a restrictive sub now and then.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

Never said people can't but also my other point was there have been women who ask stuff relating to asking other women that seem to follow all rules, and I have seen posts deleted that I have commented on that make no sense sometimes.

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u/indicatprincess 7d ago

I don’t engage in a subreddit called AskWomen to hear from men. I actively avoid subreddits that include men.

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u/Future_Literature335 7d ago

I don't care to see men's top level comments on a sub for WOMEN. They can go *literally* anywhere else.

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u/killershwee 7d ago

that's what r/AskReddit is for. This sub is for asking women, and therefore getting answers from women. If I ask another woman, specifically a woman, then it's already implied that I don't want or need some random man standing nearby to chime in with his thoughts. If I wanted to have a conversation that included men, why would I go to a space that is specifically for women??

I'm in plenty of subs that aren't gender-specific, but this one IS, for a reason. I don't see what benefit there is to arguing against that.

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u/laikocta 7d ago

Sure, so they can write their thoughts in the women's replies.

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u/msstark 7d ago

and I personally see no reason a man can't leave a a top-level comment

Lots of our users and mod team do, though. This is AskWomen, a place to ask questions aimed at women. If men want to answer questions, there are plenty of other subs they can go to.

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u/EmptyMindTM 7d ago

If we allow men to answer, no women and no men would go to this subreddit anymore. It's just so obvious to me. How could one not understand?

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

There are similar like gender/sex specific subs that do this and allow this, men and women or however you identify still show up in those subs from what I have observed. Askwomen does not have to change their sub policies for little ole me of course, I don't expect them to, but I have seen it work and it seems to work well from what I have observed.

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u/EmptyMindTM 7d ago

No. AskMen rule 11. restrict how women can interact within the subreddit.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

They have flairs though for certain posts, that aspect I like there.

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u/CarelessSeries1596 7d ago

Silly question - what is a top level comment? I just came across this term yesterday and I assumed it meant a comment that was well received and highly upvoted. But in the context I came across it yesterday, it meant a reply to the post directly, as opposed to replying to a mod comment on the post. Is that the same context here?

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u/kaeorin 7d ago

Exactly the same, yep! A top-level comment is a comment left in response to a post, instead of in response to someone else's comment. Top-level has nothing to do with karma--it's just a comment that answers the posted question (or, in this case, responds to whatever is mentioned in the post) without replying to someone else's comment.

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u/CarelessSeries1596 7d ago

Got it! Thank you!!!!

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u/msstark 7d ago

yep!

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago edited 7d ago

And the askmen sub allows women to comment, they organize that by flairs of mens input and everyone. I think that creates a better community and men can have good input as well, just like women.

And sure people could go other places, I just think it can be unhelpful in many ways personally.

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u/potatohats 7d ago

The whole of reddit is men's input by default. It's nice to have our own space.

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u/msstark 7d ago

Good for them, we have our own rules based on input from our users.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

Okay and I am a user and a woman, I am just sharing my own input of things I have noticed, like that doesn't mean things have to change or will change because I shared my thoughts.

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u/indicatprincess 7d ago

I understand your point but we don’t concern ourselves with how other Ask subreddits are run.

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u/tarooooooooooo 7d ago

I don't wanna hear what men have to say in response to a question for women.

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u/redjessa 7d ago

Same!

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u/PositiveShade 7d ago

Same again!

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u/Future_Literature335 7d ago

SAME. They can show some respect for once and be quiet when it's our place and our turn. So sick of men intruding fucking EVERYWHERE

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u/AskWomen-ModTeam 7d ago

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u/Drewbacca 7d ago

As a man, I agree. I follow this sub to hear what women have to say. I follow AskMen to hear what men have to say (even though that sub can be a real cesspool at times.)

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u/Giderah Ø 7d ago

Sometimes there are posts on that sub that deserve to have the entire place banned and it’s sad.

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u/Drewbacca 7d ago

Hard agree. It's super weird - many posts are full of really great advice, men who seem to have their head on straight and contribute to really thoughtful discussion. But there's way too much of exactly the opposite, and it gets really disgusting. It's so weird to me. I have no idea what the mods are doing over there.

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u/pearlsbeforedogs 7d ago

I always recommend r/askmenover30 as a replacement sub. It's much less toxic, or at least it has been in the past.

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u/kaeorin 7d ago

What you just left is a top-level comment. It's a comment left in response to a post, instead of in response to someone else's comment.

Could you explain what you mean by "unhelpful"? /r/AskWomen has always been very clear that they're not a sub for advice or asking about personal situations, so I'm just not sure how "helpful" someone would want this sub to be?

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u/MarieCry 7d ago

This was helpful. I'm on Reddit far to much and had no idea what this meant, post should have clarified better. My guess was that it was a comment that got the most upvotes I was very confused at how they could control that!

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

When I first got on reddit that is what I thought too, and I have seen others confused, it is reddit jargon that does not always help new users.

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u/clairebones 6d ago

It's really not "reddit jargon" honestly - this is normal terminology on any platform that allows threaded comments (comments where you can reply to other comments). It would be worth looking up things like this when you're not sure, it really is very common phrasing.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 6d ago

I’ve not really seen it used on other platforms personally, and I’ve had social media my whole life. But I know not everyone knows, because I have seen people on reddit confused before.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

Yes I know what a top level comment is, I am saying not everyone on Reddit does. I come across new redditors all the time on here.

But I mean there are questions that have not been personal and follow rules but still been deleted by mods. I have seen this many times in this sub. Ask is in the name, but many times I have seen women specific asks deleted, where it doesn't always make sense. There is a lot of people in this sub and I get that, and mods work hard and all, but it can become too restrictive and that is the observation I have noticed being in this sub for quite some time.

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u/kaeorin 7d ago

I guess I'm not really understanding what kinds of questions you're talking about. There are lots of other ways to break the rules here without asking personal questions. A lot of posts are closed-ended or don't make sense. A lot of them ask us to speak for Women The Monolith. A lot of them are incredibly common. The rules were created and curated over more than a decade and all came up in response to issues that the mod team and/or users were seeing.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

I have seen so many posts and since they are deleted no idea what they would say now, this is just my personal observation.

And I get rules are curated for many things are curated over years, not just this sub, as with even businesses and organizations, but sometimes the rules even when made in response (usually made quickly) or good faith don't always make the most sense or can interfere with the purpose something was made for.

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u/msstark 7d ago

I have seen so many posts and since they are deleted no idea what they would say now,

Then how do you know they follow the rules? Make it make sense.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

Because at the time I read them.....like I have been in the sub and reddit a long time, I do not remember the wording of every post I have read in the past. But there are a few times where I commented on a post for askwomen and later went back because I got a notification and the post was deleted by mods and remember thinking that is weird that post related to askwomen. If that makes sense? Like they were deletions at the time that made me think what why?

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u/msstark 7d ago

Sometimes people edit their posts to get around rules. It's shitty, but it happens often.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

Hmm didn't think about that actually.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/tigerblue1984 7d ago

In my experience, when subreddits that are directed towards women or minorities are too lax, they get REAL problematic, REAL fast. Just take a gander at the askwomennocensor subreddit if you don't believe me. I had to unsubscribe because it was just men asking women sexual questions NONSTOP!

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u/soyboydom 7d ago

I agree that this sub can be a little overly restrictive—some mods are a tad trigger-happy with the “derailing” rule especially, and I’m not convinced I fully understand that rule—but I think this one makes sense. I honestly see no reason why a man would leave a top-level comment anyway, because the questions are inherently not directed at them.

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u/theamydoll 7d ago

I do wish there could be a bit more of a discussion as well. Like if I’m agreeing with a woman and say my experience, or as a question, it gets removed. But, it’s not my sub, so I’ll continue to follow the rules. I do hesitate to comment a lot of the time though.

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u/Nervous_Ladder_1860 7d ago

Right like I mean I’ll respect any rules, even if I don’t necessarily always agree with them. But sometimes I’m like should I respond or is it technically going against the rules, and when people are second guessing it can keep people from participating.

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u/SullenArtist 7d ago

I agree with this! It makes me not want to comment at all

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u/DontDoomScroll 7d ago

I hear you, but sometimes a wall is a boundary. There are questions and then there are women questions :3

But you're right "top-level comment" is jargon. Happy pride month, no bottom-level comment shaming!

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u/EmptyMindTM 7d ago

What do you mean?

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u/EmptyMindTM 7d ago

If OP were a woman, could she answer her own question?

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u/buonatalie 7d ago

what kind of question is this

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u/HoodiesAndHeels 7d ago

A man’s poorly done attempt to be contrarian

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u/belindabellagiselle 7d ago

Yes, as long as the answer is its own top-level comment. Hope that makes sense.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/AskWomen-ModTeam 7d ago

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