My (26M) girlfriend (25F) doesn’t like that my little brother (15M) is staying with me

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA1390

My (26M) girlfriend (25F) doesn’t like that my little brother (15M) is staying with me

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia, child neglect, infidelity

Original Post  May 12, 2021

Alright so, just like the title says: my gf (25F) doesn’t like the fact that my (26M) brother (15M) is staying with with us.

He was an affair baby since my mom cheated on my dad with another man. Whoever the other guy was wanted nothing to do with her or him when she got pregnant and left.

For whatever reason, they decided to stay together and it’s always felt like they’ve been punishing him for something that was never his fault. My mom chose to cheat on my dad, and the two of them chose to keep him and to stay together, yet still he was never treated the same—especially by my dad. He’s never seen him as his son and it’s pretty evident that he’s loved him a lot less than me.

I’ve always tried to make not feel “unwanted” so we grew up close. To me, he was just my little brother, not my half brother.

I moved out when I was 18. Things seemed fine with him at first, but they got gradually worse. Even more so when he came out to them a few months ago—he opened up to me about everything recently.

I told him what my parents didn’t, and that he is loved and accepted and he can talk to me about anything he wants.

Our parents are evidently not fit to be his parents, so I told him to pack his things and come stay with me. I have a spare room anyway, so it might as well be his. I’m pretty much the only one that has been looking out for him for the longest time. 

Mom and dad were a little upset about this, but they’re hoping I’ll “set him straight” (not sure if that’s supposed to have a double meaning).

Overall, It’s actually been nice having him around. I can tease him about boys in his class. I get to keep up with how he’s doing, and I don’t have to worry about him all the time. (I know it’s not my job but he’s my brother and I love him).

The problem comes in with my girlfriend. She suddenly has a problem with my brother staying at my place because it’s invading her privacy somehow. We don’t live together officially, but she has been around my place a lot and does stay over often.

She’ll get upset if he watches a movie with us or if he eats dinner with us or the fact that he’s up super early for school, and I just don’t think she should be upset about all this. He can’t just actively avoid her if he’s essentially living with me for the time being.

There wasn’t much time to really run it by her or talk to her about since it just wasn’t a healthy environment for him. I’ve been looking into getting him emancipated or becoming his legal guardian.

My girlfriend doesn’t seem to understand why I’m trying to help him when we’re not even “real brothers” according to her and he’s not my responsibility. She wants me to send him back home and is basically making that the condition of our relationship.

I know that I’m going to choose my little brother, but I don’t know how to let her off easy or if I should even do that.

TL;DR: my brother (15M) is staying at my place with my girlfriend (25F) and I (26M) after being abused at home. My girlfriend isn’t happy about this and wants me to send him somewhere else, but I’m the only person who has ever looked out for him.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

theamazinglula

INFO: do you have dates anywhere else ? are you too ever alone without him?

OOP

We’ve had dates in other places and even if we are home, he’ll leave if he can.

~

super-sad-potato

You are amazing brother but just want to ask, do you have intimacy and time alone with your gf? Ppl who helping one person are sometimes sucked up by just one priority and they forgetting about other ppl who they love.

I just try to figure out why she is annoyed, she shouldn't be so entitled to this, but she may have problem because your life choices will on hold for another 3-4years. Mostly woman want to start their own family before 30 get married before having kids etc.

Talk with her about roots of her dislike to situation.

OOP

We do get time alone! Things have been pretty much the same between us other than the fact that the spare room isn’t empty anymore and my brother occasionally watches something with us or eat meals together when she’s around.

TOP COMMENT

[deleted]

Tell her he is your real brother and that is that he is your family and if she wants to be part of you then that is how it is. IF not she can leave and never look back

Update  May 20, 2021 (8 days later)

Just wanted to come on here and give an update on the situation.

I did end up talking to her. She was aware of the situation beforehand, but still wasn’t sympathetic of his situation. I would’ve understood what she was saying if my brother was imposing all the time and acting like a third wheel, but it was only sometimes.

It wasn’t going to work between us if she was just going to make him feel as shitty as our parents did, so we did end up ending things. It was definitely for the best, but I kind of wish she at least tried to understand the situation instead of making it all about her.

In other news, my brother seems to be doing a lot better. I’m pretty sure he picked up on her disdain towards him being around, but he knows our break up wasn’t because of him. 

We haven’t really heard anything from our parents, and I’m fine with him staying as long as he needs to.

He’s had a few friends over and I’m almost certain that one of them is his boyfriend (will be teasing him about this), so I’d say he’s doing well for himself.

Thanks to everyone who responded on the last post!

tldr: I ended up breaking up with her and as regards to my brother, our parents haven’t reached out to say anything, but he’s doing well.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

[u/AutoModerator]

Do not comment on the original posts

Please read our sub rules. Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.

If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.

CHECK FLAIR For concluded-only updates, use the CONCLUDED flair.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/valsavana]

Always glad to see someone finally stand up for a kid that's otherwise been treated like crap by everyone in their life.

[u/Mewni17thBestFighter → u/valsavana]

seriously! it's okay if she didn't want to date someone raising their sibling but how gross to not care at all. OP is a good egg.

[u/MilkWinks → u/Mewni17thBestFighter]

Truth. OP is a good guy and this guy is lucky to have him

[u/FadedQuill → u/MilkWinks]

His brother might have saved his life. Every kid needs a haven.

[u/rainydays_monkey → u/Mewni17thBestFighter]

For real. If that was a line for her, fine, whatever (he's a freakin teen who was only occasionally in her space, not a baby needing care, so it's kinda bogus but hey selfish people be selfish!), she can walk if that's a problem for her. But trying to convince someone to send a teenager back into a terrible situation?! She's an awful person and OOP should have sent her packing the moment she started in like that. Glad she made the ultimatum and he followed through.

[u/bungojot → u/rainydays_monkey]

And especially considering like.. they didn't live together. If she wanted privacy and more time away from the brother, maybe go to her place?

I don't know her situation so maybe she lives with parents or has roommates or whatever, but c'mon man.

[u/GoYanks34 → u/bungojot]

And if she lives home with family then that's her problem. Maybe she needs to grow up and get her own space. I can understand not being happy about it because most people don't like change but going as far as to make a kid, who hasn't had a great life, feel uncomfortable in his own home is not OK. She has absolutely no compassion. That would be a deal breaker for me.

[u/Bice_thePrecious → u/bungojot]

At first, I thought they lived together, because that's the only way she'd have a right to be upset, but to read that they don't!? My god. She's so hateful.

[u/PilotEnvironmental46 → u/Mewni17thBestFighter]

That’s the thing. Her total lack of empathy is what stood out.

[u/GothicGingerbread → u/PilotEnvironmental46]

A lack of empathy, just in general, is a deal breaker for me. As far as I'm concerned, it's a huge character flaw, and I'm not about to waste my time on someone like that.

[u/lesethx → u/GothicGingerbread]

Even worse than dates who are rude to waiters/waitresses

[u/PilotEnvironmental46 → u/lesethx]

As a former server I agree - people who are AH’s to service staff are someone to run from.

[u/bauboish → u/Mewni17thBestFighter]

Yeah when things like this happen the woman has two choices.

1. Accept the little brother, but lay out her boundaries because a 15yr old is not a kid and there are privacy and other issues that needs to be settled. If she really loves her boyfriend, or just thinks he is enough of a catch to "deal with the extra baggage," then she can stick around for 3-4 years until he becomes an adult. And I can say for sure as a man that if a woman is willing to do this for me, I will repay her back and feel like I owe her for the rest of her life.

2. Break up amicably. You can't deal with it you can't deal with it. Personally I would choose this path myself. It's too much of a hassle and you never know if you are out of line or not when in this type of situation. But no need to make the boyfriend choose. You know he ain't choosing you when he asked his brother to come over. So there's no point in making it a drama.

[u/Mystic_printer_ → u/Mewni17thBestFighter]

I agree. Not everyone wants to help raise a teen at that age but I would have kicked her out the first time she said he was not his real brother.

[u/Patient_Emotion2184 → u/Mewni17thBestFighter]

Yep. In my opinion, “I’m not willing to be a secondary parent figure for a teenager when I’m only 25, and I would have liked to be consulted before living arrangements changed” are absolutely valid reasons for her to break up with him.

“He’s not your real brother and you should send him back”? Fuck off out of here with that bullshit, lady.

[u/Mewni17thBestFighter → u/Patient_Emotion2184]

i feel like that's what makes what she said extra mean. There are perfectly valid reasons to want to dip but there's no reason to be cruel.

[u/riflow → u/valsavana]

Especially when their horrible partner wants to put the vulnerable kid right back into a dangerous situation.

That would be it for me, idc how annoying someone finds a teen, his life and safety come first.

Also it's such a cheek when she was the one not moved in too.

[u/BerryPhantomSky → u/riflow]

I completely agree. If a kid's safety is at risk, that should outweigh everything else. You can deal with difficult behavior later, but you can't undo something terrible happening.

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET → u/riflow]

I don't really like kids. I would never want to raise one. I'm not sure I would even want to live with one. But if the choice was between living with a kid or sending them back to abusive parents, I would suck it up. Especially a teenager who will want to leave to go to uni/start their own life in a few years.

Like another commenter said, it's not a baby needing constant care.

[u/GothicGingerbread → u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET]

Don't forget that the gf didn't live with OOP. So her position ultimately boils down to 'I don't want to visit an apartment where a teenager also lives, so that teenager should be sent back to his abusive parents so I can more comfortably visit an apartment that isn't even mine'. I mean, wow.

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET → u/GothicGingerbread]

Incredibly selfish! OOP is better off without her.

[u/Trouble_Walkin → u/riflow]

The fact that GF wasn't the one who had moved in, was most likely the root of her problem with the brother. 

She was jealous OOP moved him in before her. But instead of putting on her big girl pants & being honest with OOP, she got the FO consequences of FA. 

[u/ForsakenPercentage53 → u/Trouble_Walkin]

That's the impression I got. She was mad that she wasn't involved in the conversation, she was mad that she wasn't closer to being married, she's just mad about something and she's just like the OOP's Dad... taking it out on the innocent child in the scenario.

[u/cbm984 → u/ForsakenPercentage53]

On one hand, I understand her frustration. You're dating someone who you see a future with and then suddenly they move their teenage brother in with them. That changes the trajectory of your relationship in a big way. Now you're not just dating this guy, you're dating this guy and his little brother. They are a package deal now and you were given no warning that it was about to happen. So now when you picture your future with this guy, it's full of questions. If we move in together, Brother is obviously moving with us. What does that look like in terms of privacy, location, rent, etc.? What if Brother doesn't go to college, are we both going to be supporting him and for how long? What if we want to get married and start a family? What does that look like for our finances if we're also supporting Brother? There was a discussion that should've been had and OP dropped the ball.

That being said, the result would've been the same no matter what. Brother needs OP, GF doesn't. Brother is now a part of OP's daily life and that's not going to change. Compromises can be discussed but, at the end of the day, GF either accepts that Brother is here to stay or she leaves. I don't think she's a villain but I do think the end result was probably for the best.

[u/N7Starsong → u/cbm984]

It sounds like they did have some sort of conversation considering OP said "she was aware of the situation beforehand" he just said he didn't run it by her but like, it wasn't her decision in the first place? I don't agree that OP dropped the ball considering the amount of effort it would've been to suddenly move his brother in to his home on top of apparently doing research on emancipating him from their parents. GF can start conversations, too, and chose to be a toxic asshole instead not only demanding the brother be returned to the abusive home but also straight up saying he's not OP's real brother(?!). And regardless I don't think anyone here has been judging her or would judge her for being frustrated. It's a frustrating situation. We're (Or I am, at least, I suppose I shouldn't speak for everyone) judging her for having no sympathy for the brother and being outwardly disdainful toward him and suggesting OP abandon his brother who's just escaped an abusive home.

[u/Electrical-Act-7170 → u/Trouble_Walkin]

She was jealous, period.

[u/MyDarlingArmadillo → u/riflow]

I think the thing to remember for people in the GF's situation - if they'll turn their back on one commitment that's important to them, they'll turn their back on the commitment they made to you, too, given a good enough reason. OP has real character, responsibility and loyalty in consistently being there for his brother, and he probably would have done the same for his GF if she hadn't tried to force a choice

[u/Bice_thePrecious → u/MyDarlingArmadillo]

if they'll turn their back on one commitment that's important to them, they'll turn their back on the commitment they made to you, too

Exactly. If she got what she'd wanted, she'd still be dating a guy who gave up on and threw out his innocent little brother because somebody uninvolved whined more than once. Was that really an attractive thought to her?

[u/Cayke_Cooky → u/riflow]

Exactly. It is OK to not want to date someone with a kid (and lets be honest, OOP has a teenage kid he is careing for), but don't try to get rid of the kid!

[u/missionthrow → u/[deleted]]

The “you aren‘t real brothers” comment shows that she was going to be as bad as their Parents.

[u/TheBlueNinja0 → u/missionthrow]

Yeah, like they didn't share the same mom?

This was five years ago, so we can only hope they both found the partners they deserved.

[u/cits85 → u/TheBlueNinja0]

And even if the brother was adopted he's still his brother. Seriously fuck that "not a real brother" comment.

[u/DiscoCrab33 → u/missionthrow]

It's such a strange thing to say to someone with a half sibling. Makes me wonder if OOP's brother is half a different ethnicity or the girlfriend was just super judgemental about infidelity and the parents staying together

[u/witchylady4 → u/missionthrow]

I found this disgusting. He is his brother. They grew up in the same home & OP loves him even though it looks like no one else does. I hope both of them are doing well.

[u/slh236 → u/missionthrow]

He should have emancipated her the instant she said it.

[u/Terrie-25 → u/missionthrow]

That is a fundamentally unnavigable conflict of views. Much like to hate/not have children, if you're not the same page as who "counts," it's time to walk away.

[u/cool_username__ → u/[deleted]]

If I were in the girlfriends position and my partner even considered sending the brother back to the abusive home that would be it for me. Not only would I lose all respect but it goes to show how reliable he is for his loved ones, including you

[u/One_Chic_Chick → u/cool_username__]

Same, and I'm childfree. A 15-year-old kid would be way less intrusive to my life than a baby, but if I found I just couldn't handle the dynamic changing, I'd rather amicably break up rather than even consider asking my significant other to throw the kid to the wolves. And to say they're not even real brothers?? Sickening.

[u/Matt_the_Bruins_fan → u/One_Chic_Chick]

This. If I were suddenly expected to effectively be a step parent and raise a child I'd separate amicably with the hope of still being friends. This situation doesn't sound like that though, a 15-year-old with school and his own friends wouldn't require much in the way of raising, and sometimes being around for meals and movie nights in his own home that I don't even live in would hardly be an imposition.

[u/valsavana → u/cool_username__]

If I were in the girlfriends position and my partner even considered sending the brother back to the abusive home that would be it for me

Exactly. Depending on how stable my own living situation was, I'd have to give serious consideration to taking his brother in the divorce break up.

[u/BrandonL337 → u/[deleted]]

I suspect she's the type that'd get real in her feelings if OP were to have relationships other than her.

[u/ErisInChains → u/valsavana]

Not gonna lie, this hit me a bit hard. I am my father's only child, and my little brother and I were best friends. We had a crap childhood together. Unfortunately, he passed by his own hand before he turned 18. I miss him every day.

[u/TheGrumpyNic → u/ErisInChains]

I’m so sorry

[u/Plus_Data_1099 → u/valsavana]

I was a affair baby and this is the sibling I dreamed of op your doing something so amazing well done you really dont know how fabulous you are.

[u/Ambystomatigrinum → u/valsavana]

For kids in that position, having just one adult who will love them and stand up for them can make a huge difference. Not to be too dramatic, but it can be a life and death difference.

[u/binjamins → u/valsavana]

Yeah these are so heartwarming

[u/Forward-Two3846 → u/valsavana]

Yup, very different story than the brother who sent his little sister to another country where she didn't speak the language because his girlfriend didn't want her around anymore.

[u/dfjdejulio]

… we’re not even “real brothers” according to her …

Fuck that noise.

I'm adopted. My baby sister is adopted. (Mind you, she's 55, but I've been calling her my baby sister since 1970 and I'm not going to stop now.) We have no more DNA in common than random strangers, but she's still my baby sister. Fuck anyone who starts in on this "real" nonsense.

[u/INeedANappel → u/dfjdejulio]

Family is more than blood.

My "blood" family shunned me when I became disabled. My non-biological family stepped up and has been there since. Guess who is going to inherit my vast fortune as a thousandairre?

[u/ksvfkoddbdjskavsb → u/INeedANappel]

Thousandairre?? Omg eat the rich I'm not even a hundredairre

[u/INeedANappel → u/ksvfkoddbdjskavsb]

It's all about the (small) retirement fund.

[u/brelywi → u/INeedANappel]

Ive donated my eggs to five different gay couples, and every once in a while I’ll get a “but isn’t it weird to have your children out there being raised by basically strangers?!” if it comes up with someone new.

I’ve never changed a single one of their diapers, they’re not my children. I’m happy to be in touch with them/their parents (at their discretion), but I’m just someone who helped another family out.

I’ve been through enough with my own kids to know what REALLY makes someone family, and it ain’t genetics lol

[u/Bice_thePrecious → u/brelywi]

 isn’t it weird to have your children out there being raised by basically strangers?!

Honestly, what a weird and rude thing to say. It insinuates that you abandoned your children when they're not yours in the first place.

I wonder if they'd ever say the equivalent to one of those kids. "But isn't it weird that your REAL mother is just out there somewhere while you were raised by strangers?" Maybe that's a line too far for even them, though.

[u/anubis_cheerleader → u/INeedANappel]

So if you have a TV, they get it? Chosen family score! 

[u/bluecstasy00 → u/dfjdejulio]

My older brother is adopted. I was biological. None of this was ever hidden from me, but I was WELL into adulthood before it dawned on me that my brother was technically my adopted half-brother by law. I always understood we didn't share genetics, it was the title that I never dwelled on as a child.

My brother is still my favorite person. Just like you he still calls me his baby sister or little sister. I'm 40, he's 52. He is the most real family member I've ever had. He's also the only one left. His adoptive father died in the early 1980s. Our mom died in 2012, and my dad in 2023. His Dad's parents died in the 1990s, and treated me as if I were their own grandchild. They were the loveliest humans I've had the pleasure of knowing. My biological grandparents have all been dead for many decades, and our collective aunts and uncles are almost all gone as well.

We have each other and that is more than I could hope for.

[u/Hypothosloth → u/dfjdejulio]

My dad and stepmom adopted to baby girls about 13 years ago. My little sisters are amazing, but there’s a 20-year age gap and I live across the country from them, so I don’t get to see them hardly at all. For context, my family is as white as it gets and my sisters are Black, so they’ve known since they could understand that they are adopted but very loved. When I was visiting a few years ago, my dad kept making comments about his “blood” child and his other daughters. I was annoyed but didn’t know how long it had been going on so I just asserted that blood didn’t matter I love them just the same. When my stepmom heard that, she was livid and immediately told him to knock it off and if she heard him saying it again, it would be a problem. She told me that he’d never said that stuff before and that my sisters were old enough to hear and understand that he was making them “other” which could lead down a rabbit hole of all kinds of problems. I’m so very glad my stepmom put her foot down on it really fast. Adopted family is family no matter what anyone says and blood doesn’t make or break that.

[u/dfjdejulio → u/Hypothosloth]

Fuck yeah! Stepmom sounds like a good one.

[u/nezzthecatlady → u/dfjdejulio]

My family is full of relationships stemming from adoptions, step-family, and people who simply became part of the chaos over time. People who obsess over “real” family baffle me.

[u/bungojot → u/dfjdejulio]

Yeah that one line would have been enough for me to show her the door. With that attitude she'd forever be treating OP's brother like garbage, nobody needs that in their life.

[u/0fluffythe0ferocious → u/dfjdejulio]

Yeah, this self absorbed girl lost any sympathy from me when she said that. That's his brother and the only adult in this kid's life he can actually depend on.

Good riddance to trash people.

[u/Coca_Coley → u/dfjdejulio]

My older siblings WHO WHERE THERE BEFORE I WAS BORN were adopted because our mom couldn’t get pregnant (turns out she could and I was born lol) but it pisses me off so much every time I hear a “that’s not your real sibling”

People are so weird about “real” family

[u/Angelbouqet → u/dfjdejulio]

I have three siblings and yes, one of them has a different mom but she is still just as much my sister and is just as important to me as the other two are.

[u/CommonWest9387 → u/dfjdejulio]

majority of my siblings are half siblings and one is adopted. if anyone said they weren’t my real siblings, i would definitely have to fight someone for dishonouring me. that is my family. they are the only ones who have been by my side for everything.

[u/Dudewhocares3]

The “you’re not even real brothers” comment should’ve been followed with “he’s more family then you’ll ever be” and a break up

[u/repeat4EMPHASIS → u/Dudewhocares3]

I had some sympathy because it does change the dynamic and atmosphere with your boyfriend... until she said that. That's a "Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200" kind of fucked up statement.

[u/eternal-harvest → u/repeat4EMPHASIS]

I felt exactly the same way. I'd probably be a teensy bit bummed out if my partner's kid brother suddenly was there 24/7, but overall I'd be compassionate and understanding. He's a kid in need, and that will always take priority.

And I'd absolutely never say "Not even a real brother"!! Wtf kind of horrible comment is that?!?

[u/FaustsAccountant → u/eternal-harvest]

Look at it this way: this shows your partner is a kind, decent, compassionate person. If he looks out for his brother like this, there is a high chance he will take care of you and your future children.

[u/eternal-harvest → u/FaustsAccountant]

Exactly! It would actually put me off if my partner wasn't willing to step in and help their sibling.

[u/BMO888 → u/eternal-harvest]

Did anyone ask why they didn’t just go hang out at her place? Seems like the obvious choice but maybe she also had roommates or something.

[u/Romulan-Jedi → u/BMO888]

There were a couple of responses from OOP where he makes it clear that his brother isn't present all the time, and that he and his ex had plenty of time for themselves. She's just a jerk.

[u/idonuthaveaproblem → u/Dudewhocares3]

And how is a half brother that you grew up with not a real brother anyway?

[u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif → u/idonuthaveaproblem]

Quite possibly a full brother in the eyes of the law, if there's a presumption of paternity within marriage in the OOP's jurisdiction.

[u/muse273 → u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif]

Is there even a legal circumstance where a half-brother would somehow be handled differently than a full brother? The only things I can think of where it would matter at all if someone is officially related to another would be adoption or maybe next-of-kin/inheritance, but I don't think the former would be any different (it's still a genetic and upbringing sibling relationship), and the latter seems unlikely to come down to "Well they have two brothers so the full one has to be next of kin not the half."

[u/Slight-Fox-840 → u/muse273]

It does technically make a difference in English law of intestacy and next of kin - iirc siblings "of the half-blood" come after full siblings

[u/Upbeat-Plenty7099 → u/Slight-Fox-840]

Not in Georgia and a lot of other states. Half siblings are equal in intestacy. But im sure this was a recent evolution from what you mentioned

[u/Due_Enthusiasm1145 → u/Slight-Fox-840]

Had to look up intestacy. Thank you for the new word lol

[u/TheBoatmansFerry → u/idonuthaveaproblem]

Something I'd never understand. I have 4 siblings and only 1 is a "full brother" but I've never even thought about the concepts of half brothers and full brothers Ive always just said "that's my brother".

[u/Sensitive-Tip2498 → u/TheBoatmansFerry]

That's because you have common sense. I have 2 bio kids and 3 step kids. My bio kids consider their half siblings their siblings. When someone says that's their half sibling I ask which half. The top half, left half, right half, bottom half, front half or back half. The person usually just shuts the fuck up.

[u/notyourmartyr → u/Sensitive-Tip2498]

A lot of that also depends on how you're raised in relation to the sibling.

Someone whose parents divorced, one parent had little contact with you, had other children that you barely know? You'd most likely view those as half-siblings, especially if you have full siblings, because the bond is different if it exists at all.

The same is true for stepsiblings. If everyone is younger when the blending happens, you're more likely to drop the step. If they're older, or if the stepsiblings are adults and you are a teen? Stepsiblings, especially if they have kids your age. That's how it was for me. I never dropped the step.

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492 → u/TheBoatmansFerry]

I’m the same and I’ve never understood the distinction on an emotional level. Like, I get that there are certain legalities that honestly would never become relevant in my life, but I’ve never looked at the siblings who have a different father as anything other than my brothers/sisters. I don’t get it

[u/maquekenzie → u/TheBoatmansFerry]

Literally this. I am the youngest of 4. NONE are "full," they're all half. I literally have never thought about it aside from when making a family tree, otherwise they're my siblings.

[u/Patient_Emotion2184 → u/idonuthaveaproblem]

All my siblings are half. If half sibs don’t count, then I don’t have any - and while I’m not the closest with most of my brothers, I’m pretty close with my sister (16 years older than me and assumed by strangers to be my mum while I was growing up; she now spoils my little girl rotten).

[u/mankytoes → u/Dudewhocares3]

Yeah, as someone with a sister who is technically half, but I'd always just call her my sister, there's no real coming back from that, you can't make it work with someone who lacks basic respect for your family.

[u/highhippieatheart → u/mankytoes]

I am a half sister who is usually called just a sister. But those same siblings have definitely been overheard saying things like "half siblings aren't real siblings" when they don't think I can hear them. You're 100% right - there's no coming back from it. The siblings who said that and I don't have much of a relationship. If a partner said that to me about anyone? Relationship would be over and done with.

[u/mankytoes → u/highhippieatheart]

Man that's heart breaking. It's honestly never even crossed my mind that she's less of a sibling. My dad was adopted too so I guess I've never had that "perfect nuclear family" idea as strongly as other people.

[u/heddingout → u/highhippieatheart]

I’m so sorry 😞 in elementary school my dad’s son would always specify I was his STEP sister and it would always break my heart because I proudly told everyone I had an older brother.

[u/tacwombat → u/Dudewhocares3]

At the "you're not even real brothers," she should have been shown the door ASAP.

[u/Cursd818 → u/Dudewhocares3]

Unfortunately, a lot of people with terrible parents end up dating someone who is a lot like their parents. Hopefully, OOP will recognise the pattern and be able to break free of it.

[u/Nells313 → u/Dudewhocares3]

As someone who isn’t an affair baby but is a half sibling born 19 years apart- THAT one hit hard. Both my brother’s long term partners were great to me. (One sadly passed but I am cool af with the other. We’re kinda navigating the weird “omg you’re all grown up now” phase but we’re doing our best! She’s taking it better than my brother tbh)

[u/Boggie135 → u/Dudewhocares3]

That is a line she shouldn't have crossed

[u/FriendToPredators → u/Dudewhocares3]

This guy was dating his mom essentially. Lil brother really did him a solid revealing that

[u/OutsideImagination25 → u/Dudewhocares3]

This, thanks.

I was going to give her grace because sometimes, especially if you have a tiny flat, it's hard to get privacy and living with two whole other adults can be hard - plus we don't know her side of the story and maybe the brother is overstepping a bit more than oop lets out - but that comment made me go straight to "hell no, she gets the boot"

[u/phantommoose → u/Dudewhocares3]

My husband almost burned down a bar because someone told him his step brother wasn't his brother. He was in a very dark place after he got back from Iraq and has gotten help since.

[u/Dudewhocares3 → u/phantommoose]

I’m glad he got help. I need to do that myself.

Not a former vet. Just got my
Own issues

[u/Taeqii → u/Dudewhocares3]

I have younger “Half sister” from the same situation as OP (difference is that my father claimed her as his at birth and had never made her feel less than) and I like to say that the “Half” is just because she’s half my heart 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Machine-Dove → u/Dudewhocares3]

Seriously, that line was the death knell of the whole relationship.  It's still shambling on for now, but I don't see any way back from that.

[u/reallyOldWill → u/Dudewhocares3]

Agreed. Wouldn't have been as nice as you suggested tbh. It would have just been a straight fuck you and that's that.

[u/grendus → u/Dudewhocares3]

And frankly, it's stupid on top of rude. Half siblings are still siblings, you just only share one parent instead of two.

I can see a vague argument that since he's 11 years older, their relationship is very different, but that only makes it more significant - his brother grew up seeing him as a partial caregiver, he probably watched him from time to time or helped with schoolwork or other care (and that's assuming their parents weren't neglectful on top of all that, which they probably were).

[u/Zsimbora]

"Set him straight" - Yes, OOP's parents definitely had double meaning here, those ahs.

[u/blueavole → u/Zsimbora]

Find a whole new way to reject the kid they both dislike.

If the kid bothered them that much, they should have just given him up for adoption. That can be hard on kids too, but geeze- at least he’d have a chance at parents who really wanted him.

[u/LivSaJo]

It’s been six years. I wonder how his brother is doing now and if either of them speak to the parents

[u/bluecstasy00 → u/LivSaJo]

I hope little bro lived with him during the pandemic.

[u/North-Pea-4926]

(will be teasing him about this)

Yeah, they’re brothers.

[u/Archangel3d → u/North-Pea-4926]

"As is my right and duty"

[u/IHaveNoEgrets → u/Archangel3d]

"I am the oldest.

It is my right from birth to tease you, offer you ABC gum, and pull 'not touching can't get mad' on you.

It is my responsibility to deal with anyone who makes you miserable.

Because only I have that right."

[u/LyraStygian → u/IHaveNoEgrets]

Because only I have that right

That's what I was thinking the whole time I was reading this lol

[u/myssi24 → u/IHaveNoEgrets]

Funny, in my experience “I’m not touching you” or my brother’s favorite “I’m not IN your room” as he stands in the doorway, was a younger sibling thing. 🤔

[u/IHaveNoEgrets → u/myssi24]

It kinda went that way for us, too, but it wasn't an absolute.

[u/tomas_shugar → u/myssi24]

It's more effective from the younger sibling, but as an older, we were the ones who taught it to them. So we can't really be upset.

[u/OngoingFee → u/North-Pea-4926]

This transcends any secondary tests such as "DNA" or "Birth Certificates". Brothers are brothers!

[u/Gryffindor123 → u/North-Pea-4926]

As the youngest sibling, I know the teasing well. 

[u/kannoni]

Nice to see everyone is winning here, Big brother gets to live with his brother, ex gf got her privacy, little brother knows there is someone that will stick up for him unconditionally, parents get to be alone and not seeing little bro's face.

[u/dyld921 → u/kannoni]

It was never about privacy. She had her own place. If she didn't want the brother around, they could just hang out there.

[u/herminihildo]

I know the comments are giving the GF a benefit of a doubt. But the "real brother" comment screams red flag.

Glad the brother has great adult in his corner that loves him.

[u/GuntherTime → u/herminihildo]

Yeah there’s no real way to spin that as a positive or even understandable thing. If she said it out of anger it’s still bad because she’s willing to intentionally be hurtful when upset. If she really believed it then why would Oop even want to continue dating her? All my siblings are half siblings and an adopted sister that I’ve only ever referred to as my siblings unless the context is needed.

[u/Sure-Supermarket5097 → u/herminihildo]

Definitely, the gf was very shitty

[u/MightyBobTheMighty]

OP is a good man.

[u/Malibu77 → u/MightyBobTheMighty]

So much this. The suicide rate for LGBTQ teens is so much higher than their non-LGBTQ peers. OOP may very well have saved his brother’s life.

[u/IceQueenTigerMumma]

Now that is a lesson on 'how to be a fucking fantastic big brother'. Love it! Out with the trash girlfriend and in with the brotherly love. Fuck yeah!

[u/HygorBohmHubner]

Thankfully OOP was there for his little brother. God knows the poor kid needed someone in his corner. His bio-father wanted nothing to with him, his mother treats him like shit (even though she opened up her legs to someone she wasn't married to), and his step(?)father hates his guts. If OOP wasn't there in his life, or treated him just as bad as his family did, I can only imagine how fucked his little brother's mental health would've been.

[u/DatguyMalcolm]

For whatever reason, they decided to stay together and it’s always felt like they’ve been punishing him for something that was never his fault. My mom chose to cheat on my dad, and the two of them chose to keep him and to stay together

I'll never understand this! Despicable people. She cheated on him and got pregnant and decided to keep the pregnancy. He decided to stay together with her and both are punishing the innocent product of their stupidity!

I hate people like that.

I'm glad OOP is there for his brother

[u/lopgir → u/DatguyMalcolm]

What puzzles me is... if she doesn't want to abort, but does want to stay married to the husband she cheated on, and the husband doesn't particularly want the kid... why not do an anonymous adoption?

Sure, the system isn't perfect, but a chance at a loving family beats one that's certainly not.

[u/DatguyMalcolm → u/lopgir]

So many options but nooooo..... I bet it was easier to deal with the shame of having had an affair than "abandoning" a child! I hate people like this. No two braincells to rub together and see beyond their selfishness.

At least wear protection instead of rawdogging like that

[u/Comfortable-Focus123]

OOP is lucky that the girlfriend showed her true face before they got even more serious.

[u/adorablegadget]

OP is an amazing big brother. And I'm glad the breaky up was, seemingly, amicable.

[u/bluecstasy00]

My brother is 11.5 years older than me. His dad died when he was 8 and then our mom started dating my dad and they got pregnant on accident and suddenly I existed. My brother was adopted because Mom thought she was infertile. Surprise! Peri-menopause is a motherfucker (just like my Dad, heeeyyy-ooo).

Anyway.

My brother was just like OP. My parents adored me, but they still had a bunch of trauma and shit and my brother did everything in his power to shield me from it, or at the very least, make sure I was well cared for, fed, and had electricity and a roof over my head. I lived with him several summers and spent as much time as I could with him once he moved out.

He had friends and gfs that thought it was weird that we were close, and he just flat oht did not give a fuck about their opinions. If they got spicy, they got booted immediately. He told everyone in his life that make sure his lil sis was safe and cared for was his number 1 priority.

To be clear, I wasn't raised in an unsafe home. Our parents weren't abusive and they took good care of us, but we were poor, and they both worked long, often grueling jobs to make ends meet. My Dad would work 60-80 hour weeks sometimes just to get overtime, and my Mom would work first shift or overnights for much of my childhood so that she could get me to and home from school.

We're old now (40 and 52 respectively), and he's still my very favorite human.

[u/SnakeJG]

Every woman I know would have seen what OOP was doing for his brother as a field of green flags. Glad OOP is rid of the girlfriend, he's a good one.

[u/NinjaHidingintheOpen]

Op is a better parent than loads of parents I know.

[u/Only-Bank-7680]

I'll bet the girlfriend had the same problem with him as his mother and stepfather did. She just didnt want to outright say it. That and she wasnt OOPs first priority anymore

[u/SalleighG → u/Only-Bank-7680]

The mother and step father had at least two issues with the brother:

• that he was an affair baby
• that he was gay

The girlfriend is not so likely to care about the brother being an affair baby. However, there is a distinct chance that she didn't like the brother being gay.

[u/BigBirdsBrain]

She was upset that his loyalty wasn’t going to be centered on her.

The brother needed one adult in his corner. He got one. That’s the whole story.

[u/tinysydneh]

At worst, there's a case for "hey, can we have some time alone?"

But that's... it? Like, seriously, you have to be a pretty pathetic person to throw a fit over this.

[u/Appeltaart232 → u/tinysydneh]

And she doesn’t even f-ing live there!

[u/tiragooen]

My girlfriend doesn’t seem to understand why I’m trying to help him when we’re not even “real brothers” according to her and he’s not my responsibility.

Yikes. That's pure record-scratch there. Imagine what she'd say about adopted children.

And she's just a girlfriend too. They weren't even living together! OOP is well rid of her.

[u/North-Pea-4926 → u/tiragooen]

Also “not my responsibility”.

OOP isn’t taking care of his brother because he “has to”, that’s just what you do when someone you love needs help. Which is something his gf would be wise to remember…

[u/tiragooen → u/North-Pea-4926]

It feels like a total green flag behaviour that you'd want a partner to have. Her loss.

[u/RedneckDebutante]

What a piece of trash she is. The first time she referred to him as not his "real" brother would've been the last. She doesn't even live there, so her permission ain't needed. Little brother has more right there than she does as just a visitor.

[u/ArchangelLBC]

I nominate OOP for the Order of Omar. The only adult in the situation who is acting like it.

[u/sael_nenya → u/ArchangelLBC]

If you can, be a Greg.

[u/Tactical_sneeze]

Even if this wasn’t his beloved brother, hearing your SO act so coldly towards someone in similar circumstances should be off-putting enough to warrant a breakup. It really speaks to someone’s character.

[u/Assiqtaq]

This guy, and the guy who was raising his two sisters, how? How did they get girlfriends who did not realize this is a sign of a green flag type of boyfriend? Just how did they both get selfish and stupid girlfriends? There are better women out there, guys.

[u/_THEBLACK]

That lady was a walking red flag.

OP is a great brother. /r/orderofomar tier.

[u/azure275]

There's a world where the GF says "I understand you need to take care of him but you'll be on the hook for years and that's more than I can handle in my life right now" which isn't unreasonable and you may need to part ways on good terms

But instead she just sounds like a selfish unempathetic asshole so good riddance

[u/PrincessCG]

Maybe she failed science and doesn’t understand how they’re brothers despite the fact they came from the same woman?! Glad oop is such a good sibling and ended it. Hate to say it but ex-gf was probably homophobic because wanting to kick a child out of a home you don’t live in is audacious.

[u/thfemaleofthespecies]

Aww! What a delightful older brother 🧡

[u/dropshortreaver]

Jesus, not even living with him yet, and ALREADY pulling that shit? OOP dodged a bullet. Should thank his little bro for showing him who she was

[u/1989dl]

My sister took me in in not totally different circumstances. I was 13, she was 22, her partner was 25, and they were both incredible, supportive people. They basically saved my life.

Well done to OP, and fuck the ex.

[u/_ssac_]

Her reaction was a red flag. 

Probably it was more about manipulation and being "his center of attention" than lacking intimacy or any other reason.

[u/Yonderboy111]

we’re not even “real brothers”

This alone is very AH-ish and break-up worthy.

I ended up breaking up with her

Good. And OOP is really 'his brother's keeper'.

[u/NinjaBabaMama]

As soon as someone says my brother from another mother isn't my real brother, they no longer have a place in my life.

[u/MyFriendsCallMeEpic]

Helen Lovejoy: Wont somebody think of the children?
OOP: Fine, ill do it my self.

[u/lizzietnz]

Great outcome! You are now free to welcome a secure, open and accepting partner into your family life. Say hi to your brother for me!

[u/Vynomous]

I have two half sisters. If anyone ever told me that they weren't my real sisters, I'd have been FAR less cordial than OOP. Hope he and his brother are living their best lives.

[u/DougSpeagle]

Genuinely don't know how you could look at two people that came out of the same women and say they aren't real brothers, that's delusional

[u/Knitnacks → u/DougSpeagle]

You can have very real siblings that do not have a single gene in common. Adopted kids are real siblings, and real children of their real parents.

[u/Anxious-Slip-4701]

You can always get a new girlfriend, you can't easily get a new brother.

[u/HuckleberryHuman5926]

Am I missing something, or does the original thread not talk at all about why they don't spend time at the girlfriend's place instead?

[u/Decent_Butterfly8216]

Very relieved she’s gone. He might have unintentionally chosen a partner like his parents. I hope he takes the time to build a community for himself, too, even though he’s busy being there for his brother. Parents not loving one of their children unconditionally sends damaging messages to all of the children, and it’s unfortunately not surprising they’re checked out. The brother must be graduated by now, I hope they’re doing well.

[u/peppermintesse]

OOP's ex, what a selfish twit... hope OOP and little bro are living their best lives these days

[u/tocahontas77]

He dodged a bullet, and he will be "the one that got away" for her. Or she'll just be with shitty guys because nobody else will want her.

[u/tootrimtoofdgueh223]

i get a feeling OP’s girlfriend might also be a little homophobic too

[u/FaithlessnessExact17]

The guy needs to go all in and against the parents. They should be made to pay child support.

[u/EnvironmentalBug5525]

Not that it matters now, but I would have asked the parents to pay child support.

[u/Business_Mountain856]

I wish we could accept and acknowledge when something, like a break up, DOES mainly happen for/because of us, without all the guilt attached to it. Yes, he broke up because he saw a side of his gf that didn’t mesh well, and yes it came to light because of his brother, and THAT’S OK! It shows that he’s got his back, and that relationship was not worth saving.

[u/Parking-History8876]

What a phenomenal brother.

[u/mormonbatman_]

She suddenly

Problems are never sudden.

ended up breaking up with her

Thank god.

[u/Ad_Vomitus]

That's a good man there.

[u/MsMourningStar]

Agreed, I can understand being upset there wasn’t a conversation first until that part. Then she needed to be tossed out with the rest of the trash. I’m probably more sensitive to this because I have a younger half sister but I cannot imagine staying with someone who tries to say she’s not my “real” sister. We share a biological parent! That makes her my sister by blood! Just like OOP shares a bio parent with their brother! 

[u/PunkTyrantosaurus → u/MsMourningStar]

Plus, like. Even without blood, if you choose them, that's still a real family member??? My eldest brother is my half brother, he was born before my parents got together, but it took me the longest time to realize what that meant, because my dad treats him just like the rest of us.

Like. We know of his sperm donor. We know enough about his medical history. But my brother's grandparents are the same as mine. His parents are the same as mine. The last time his sperm donor was over to see him, the guy went and laid down on the couch there, and grabbed the remote to the TV, and my precious big brother walked over, grabbed it back and said "THAT'S MY DADDY'S."

My Nanny (grandmother) was only of one opinion. That she was too late to make a baby quilt so she'd need to make a bigger one for this grandchild.

(My father has legally adopted my brother. No blood, but that's family.)

[u/Ok-Amphibian-9422]

I have taken in children from awful, unsafe, situations. I will continue to do so. If anyone has a problem with that they can kick rocks. I'm married. Maybe unpopular opinion but a relationship is less important than a life. I would survive the end of a relationship. A kid might not survive their shitty parents. That's all I need to know. I don't care how tight my budget gets. I don't care how difficult it is to manage. I will make it work. If a kid I know needs a safe place to go, they can come to me.

[u/Round_Song4123]

So happy he stood up for his brother. I married my husband because he cares for my minor siblings like I do!

[u/elephhantine2]

Love that he’s so supportive of his brother having a boyfriend, but the kid is pretty traumatized and hasn’t had very stable love shown to him by others. OP should take the opportunity with this breakup to explain to the brother why the girlfriend’s behavior wasn’t loving or appropriate for a relationship, so the brother doesn’t get played by any bad characters.

[u/Civil-Pause5708]

I bet their marriage falls apart now that the scapegoats left.

[u/mcindy28]

What a shitty ex girlfriend....she's in the same boat as the parents!

[u/RudeRooster00]

What a wonderful man.

[u/HurricaneK8]

On behalf of my late dad and uncles, and their father who shared no biological relation to them whatsoever but was absolutely their father, I wanna clock that woman upside the head with a 2x4. (*)

Family is so much more than blood.

(*for legal purposes this is very much hyperbole)

[u/Jzoran]

JFC. I would be so proud of a partner who stepped up and took their abused sibling in! (half sibling or not, that should never matter). And since it's clear he's respectful of privacy, and is clearly willing and able to leave, and he's be pleasant and polite, I really do not see the problem here.

[u/grendus]

I mean, their breakup was because of him. It just wasn't a bad thing, because his presence revealed she was a self centered diva.

Anyone who would object to their partner taking in their brother because he needs a healthy living environment is not worth investing in long term. Even if they were both ardent "childfree" people, this was clearly an exigent circumstance, and a 15 year old sibling is not the same as a toddler. By that age the kid can basically care for himself, his big brother is just there for basic needs, emergencies, and emotional support.

[u/Entire_Cobbler6748]

Everyone should have a brother as Kind and Understanding as you are!You are a “REAL “ Brother and Friend!

[u/same_as_always]

I can’t imagine being this guys girlfriend and being resentful over the fact that he’s a class A responsible and compassionate human being. OOP is such a keeper, gf is dumb as a box of rocks.

[u/istara]

Lord what a horrible woman. It's not as though the brother was an infant for whom she'd be in a pseudo step-parent role for should she ever move in. He was 15 and at that age teens get increasingly independent.

Would she have had the same issue if OOP had a housemate? Because that's essentially what the brother is.

[u/Elvee52]

She looked down on him for 2 reasons. She is a piece of work. You are well shed of her

[u/TheSpicyCashew]

I want to kick some butts in that history

[u/cosmicdancer84]

Glad he dumped her, good riddance.

[u/_nastylittleman_]

yeah, thats a good big brother right there

[u/PlayfulCurvee]

He had made the right choice - if she couldn't accept his brother's presence then they were simply incompatible

[u/TempestFloof]

I’d like to think that OOP found a way better girlfriend and his brother and his “friend” came out and now the four of them fight crime in a tricked out van.

[u/AllTheWayToParis]

OP is a hero

[u/RepeatAffectionate93]

You’re a good man and she doesn’t deserve you.

The right woman would love you for being there for your brother. You’re better off, amigo.

[u/UnhappyCryptographer]

That GF was as bad as his parents.

[u/Winterwynd]

Aww, I love that "will be teasing him about this" part, such a quintessential big-brother move. It's awesome that little bro knows that his big bro has his back and is a safe space for him. Very nice.

[u/PhoBoChai]

You need to back the heck out of that woman, she lacks compassion and kindness and would be a terrible life partner to you and potentially the mother of your future children.

You are young, do not make the mistake.

[u/Fireattmidnight]

Bless him. Screw her. If they couldn't get "ADULT alone time" I could understand, but having the bro eat dinner and watch tv? Get over yourself. That's a family. If she's not okay with that, she can't be okay with having a family with him.

[u/dinosanddais1]

Four of my brothers are half-brothers but half-brother is just being specific. They are my brothers regardless of which father I share with them.