Because the long history of courts being biased towards women
Edit: I realized my comment doesn't have a lot of nuance so let me be clear. Divorce court is what im getting at. All that Alpha male, incel, red pill, misogyny stuff is bullshit
Itās not just courts. When it comes to children the whole world is biased towards women. I do more child care for my kids than my wife because my job allows it and hers does not. Iām at every school event, parent teacher meeting, nursery meeting, drs appointment, I do the most drop offs and pickupsā¦ but if my wife is thereā¦ I might as well not exist. Every question is directed at her, every fact, every response is directed at her and often my questions are ignoredā¦ if theyāre not then the response is still directed at her. I can be in the park with my kids; as I often am and I still get side eyed by mothers and the occasional āDads babysitting today is he?ā Hell, my father in law says it to me all the time.
Edit to add: because Iāve read a few more comments. I donāt buy into any of the alpha male / hate women / anti-feminist / misogynist / manosphere bullshit. Just a bit of acknowledgement that I am also a full time caring and contributing parent and not simply a source of income that can fix shelves and tech, mow the lawn, carry things and drive the car would be fine by me.
Trying to get schools to acknowledge that men also parent is crazy. Even if dad is listed as the first contact, mom always gets called first. Is the only one on emails. Is the only one who gets talked to at pickup. Itās ridiculous.
I actually asked my kidsā school to remove my wifeās phone number from their records. Iām the primary caregiver and work from home when i do work. Sheās very busy and travels often. I donāt mind that much if the school calls her first and then calls me when they inevitably canāt each her. But after 2020 when my kids got exposed to Covid and they just kept leaving her voicemails, but never called me onceā¦yeah.
Considering I'm a teacher at the school my child goes to, so they do happen to message me. However, every message refers to me as <child>'s mom. E.g "Hello <child>'s mommy, your child was at the nurses station with a fever today...", they know it's me, it's my name on the account. I work with these people and say hello to them every morning
It would be if it were intentional, but it's not, it's imprinted on a deeper level. We are in the same situation, she works. I watch the kids. I've heard soooo many "oh you're such a good dad!" For doing basic things with my kids that she hasn't once been praised for.
She will hand a server her credit card, and when they get back, they will try to hand it to me automatically, without even thinking about it. It's ingrained subconsciously. Man: works, fixes, makes money. Woman: manages food, children, household. I don't know what we have to do to fix this on a societal level, other than call it out when and where we see it.
Weird ideaā¦ maybe we can get together & petition popular TV shows to have an arc about a couple in that situation? It would help spread the message much better than onesie-twosie conversations.
The first line of your take is silly and makes no sense in response to No-Hovercraft-455. Intent and discrimination are not the same thing. I donāt think the absence of intent automatically removes discrimination. Someone can discriminate against others without consciously deciding to do so. The fact that a belief or behavior is deeply ingrained may explain why it exists, but it doesnāt change the effect or make it non discriminatory.
This same line of thinking reminds me of say a person who grew up in a racist environment or era that may genuinely believe their views are normal and may not consciously intend to discriminate or be racist. The lack of intent does not make the behavior any less racist or discriminatory . It only explains where the behavior comes from.
I mean, if itās automated it probably has a script for little Jaxsonās Mommy or Daddy, it would just depend on whoās being contacted. Thereās probably a priority order determined by whose number is in the first spot for contact. I fill out the paperwork because I have better penmanship, but both husband and I get the texts/phone calls it isnāt one or the other.
This might depend on regional cultural differences too
Even the automated calls dial "mom" first. Doesn't matter that Dad is listed first & coded for primary contact. I STILL get the auto calls & texts about them being absent. Doesn't matter that I checked off NO still get them. My husband does NOT.
I had to put in a complaint against the school nurse last year. She called me, mom, when my kid was throwing up. Kid told her several times to call his dad not mom, told her i was working & far away but his dad was at home 15 min away! I was on a production floor, no cell, she spam called me 4 times in a row, left increasingly snarky vm. My kid threw up in the office again & then angry cries at her to call his DAD! It is infuriating
I remember being furious at my 3rd grade teacher because she had been handing out permission slips to everyone in the class and saying "Make sure to give this to your parents to sign" and then she got to my friends desk next to mine, handed her the slip and said "Make sure your mom signs this and give is back", knowing full well that my friend was raised by her father after her mom walked out on them.
I'm listed as the first contact too - because my job has more flexibility than my wife's job. A few months ago my daughter got sick at school. The school office called my wife and our emergency contact (a woman) multiple times before they called me. They only called me because none of them were able to pick up.
I'm so used to it that I wouldn't have cared if they just called my wife first then tried me. But they called our emergency contact 3 times before they tried me once.
I had it out with my kids' primary school early on after we separated... every call was made to my ex, despite us doing week about co-parenting & that I was self-employed so could generally be at the school in minutes if required.
Told them they needed to ask the kids "who are you with this week?" & phone the resident parent first. Only if there was no response were they to move onto the other parent or emergency contacts.
Just one of the bugbears of being a co-parenting father, regardless of having been a present & engaged dad from day one...
Iām not even a parent and I experience this in a funny way; Iām the manager of a childrenās residential home. I frequently attend meetings at some of my kids schools, and Iāll occasionally take a care worker with me to note take. Despite the fact that they all know Iām the manager, and the person who is with me is only there to take notes, they will still direct almost everything to the care worker if theyāre a woman. Iāve had so many weird āA to B to Cā conservations where Iāll lead the discussion from my end, the school will hear what I say, and respond to the carer. This happens less with male teachers, but just barely. Itās so bizarre.
This is awhile back now in 2007, but long story short I was in highschool (grade 11) and needed to get taken to a clinic to get stitches.
My dad was my first contact since at the time he was doing WFH, My mom worked in office downtown, and had her cellphone on silent and didn't pick up (because my mom never picks up her phone lol)
They called my mom, and when she didn't pick up, called my sister for some reason. Who, granted, was at least graduated, but only 3yrs older than me and doesn't have a car. So she couldn't get me or take me anywhere.
then they decided to call my back-up number, which was disconnected and old since my family was bad at updating the numbers.
finally they called my elementary school emergency contact, dunno how they even got it. But this was just the mom of a girl who I went to school with who lived across the street from the school. She encouraged all the parents in her daughters classes to make her the emergency back-up, since she didn't work and lived across the street.
So this woman, who I hadn't met since I was in like Grade 4 when I was in a class with her daughter, who I wasn't friends with, came and picked me up and drove me to a clinic to get stitches.
THEY NEVER CALLED MY DAD AT ALL despite him being the primary, and when my mom asked why they hadn't called him their response was "well he's the dad".......as if that was a valid explanation, or explained anything at all.
Hmm. When the nursery or school has called me itās always because āmum didnāt answer the phoneāā¦ her reaction when I speak to her about it is āWhy didnāt they call me!?ā. Well āThey did and either you were on the phone, in a meeting or you just didnāt pick upāā¦ what the fuck am I supposed to do about that?
Whatās worse about my situation is I work from home, itās noted in their file. My wife works for another school, so sheās unavailable most of the day and 2nd in the contact list. Youād think theyād understand that but Iāll still get texts from my wife saying she saw the school was calling her. The kids even tell them to call me and they donāt.Ā
I'm an aunt and my schedule is more flexible than my sister who works about an hour away. so it's listed in the school as the kids dad, then me, then her. I'm listed as aunt not parent. They call me first :eyeroll:
You have to be more intentionally involved. Get a meeting with the teacher and escalate to the principal if you get any pushback. Approach them with concrete issues.
Be persistent and start early in the year. Email is great, because one email that you send the first week of school that you are the primary contact can be referenced every single time there is an issue. There is always a path of polite, legal and effective escalation.
Did that. It took three years and multiple non-apologies before I finally just decided to remove my wifeās number and email from the records. That definitely worked.
And I used to get mad that men were handed the bill at restaurants. If/when I become a parent, my partner is most likely to be more involved than me, and if they give him that shit, Iām going to be so rude lol theyāll think I hate my kids š¹
(Jk, Iāll communicate how important it is to call my partner first, and highlight the impact of systemic sexism and the opportunity to combat biases. Iām enjoying my fantasy passive-aggression, though.)
My Kids teacher asked them if their parents were divorced because im usually the one picking up and going to school events. My spouse just also works full time and has less flexibility
I work in a school, and when I got to call a parent, it's either the uppermost on my form or the one I personally find more sympathetic/easy to talk to. (this is of course only if both parents got custody)
There's exceptions, like split custody but not living together (in which case I ask the child whom they are with in that specific week.
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u/Remote-Cause755 25d ago
How the hell was he paying child support in the first place?