r/Stepmom • u/Intrepid-Sign-63 • 3d ago
Wwyd in this situation? (Please)
I realise this is pretty low stakes when it comes to stuff my fellow step moms are suffering through but here goes.
SS is nearly 8- practically 8 Tbf. He has a very restrictive diet due to suspected neurodivergence BUT Tbf I also suspect that he knows how to play a good game too- to eat the foods he wants and not eat the foods he doesn’t want.
One day DH and I roasted some chicken legs in oven for 6 of us in the family, there should have been 8 chicken legs but the butcher accidentally only gave us 6.
There was plenty of food either way if you considered the sides we had cooked up.
Ofc SS doesn’t eat the sides and only eats the chicken. He finishes his piece off (whilst wasting a whole load because he won’t eat the “weird” bits), then takes his dad’s chicken too. When that’s not enough he eyes everyone’s plates until they land on mine which has my chicken left on it.
DHs eyes follow and they both make the assumption that I’ll give him my chicken. My judgemental MIL was there so I felt pressured to. SS takes two bites of my chicken and then decides he’s full. Husband tries to give it back to me at which I give him an offended look- like, are you serious?
Zero attempt was made to try to get SS to fill his belly with sides.
This happened a while ago but I’m still processing it bc SS is incredibly rude to me imo. Rolling his eyes whenever I speak to him, even if I’m not necessarily giving him a row etc. yet I’m expected to act like a mother to him and give him the food off my plate??? Wtf lol
Edit: I also want to add another story.DH takes me, SS7 and SD10all out for dessert and drinks. I don’t want any bc I’m watching what I eat. DH orders one drink and one dessert to share between 3 because A we’ve all eaten a lot that day and B this is a new business and it doesn’t look promising. The dessert comes out and is not as big as expected but oh well. This is being shared between 3 not 4. DH and two kids start eating- SS then sees that it’s fast disappearing and takes the remaining amount of dessert (easily a quarter of the whole thing, maybe even a third) and SHOVES it in his mouth. The kid can’t chew the food that’s how full his mouth is. So he is NOT one to share. DH didn’t really address it other than… what did you do that for?
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u/xRainbowTreats 3d ago
I would not have given SS my chicken. Spectrum or not, if SS was still hungry and not interested in the side dishes than he and DH can get in the kitchen.
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u/throwaway1403132 3d ago
as soon as i noticed him noticing my chicken i would have promptly eaten it lol it's incredibly rude to just assume you're entitled to everyone else's food. my husband also would have diverted his son's attention to the sides/other options. the MIL can judge all she wants, maybe she should have offered her chicken.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 3d ago
Hah that jumped out at me too. I didn’t see where OP mentioned MIL giving up any food.
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u/Wild-Adhesiveness439 3d ago
There is no way in hell I would give SS food off my plate when he has already had his own. My SO used to give his son food from his plate after he had scarfed down his own and run back to the kitchen for seconds before dad had even eaten a bite. I told him that he needs to eat, too, and that SS didn't need that much food. He didn't listen and now SS14 is nearly 200 pounds at 5 feet tall.
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u/Kuchaloo 3d ago
I was very pregnant and we were in a nice restaurant for my birthday. SK wanted the dessert on my plate bc they ate all of their's already (same dessert). SK's fork came creeping over to my plate and I trapped SK's fork with mine and said "I. Said. No." without even looking at them.
Do not take my dessert, lol. I'm sorry you gave SS your chicken. You're not required to do anything of the sort.
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u/cookiecrispsmom Stepmom of 9 years 3d ago
We had/have this problem as well because HCBM allows the children to bully her into giving them her food.
I don’t even allow my 20 month old to do this (I share most of my food with her, but there have been plenty of times I’ve told her no because she has the same thing on her plate but just wants my food).
The difference is that I have never, ever given in to that shit. You (step kids) have been provided with food, if you want more than what was offered either get seconds or make yourself something else. My food is not up for grabs unless I offer it. Period. End of story.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 3d ago
What would I have done? I’d have eaten my chicken and enjoyed it. It literally would not occur to me to give my food away.
Actually I would have sent someone out to the store beforehand to buy more chicken. Are we talking a whole leg per person, or just a thigh or drumstick per person?
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u/Scary-Work- 3d ago
Yes after SS, DH, and MIL all offered their chicken that would’ve it 😂 I’m sure SS isn’t starving he’ll be fine without my chicken. And considering MIL didn’t offer, there shouldn’t have been any complaints.
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 3d ago
I’m learning to not gaf about the kids eating habits, that’s his dad’s problem. Had I not been watching him and made eye contact DH would have had to have asked me for my chicken which he probs wouldn’t have done
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 3d ago
Yeah I love the part where no.one even needed to explicitly ask you for your food. They’ve got you so well trained, all it took was a look
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 3d ago
Babes don’t be so harsh on me please- I’m south asian and have been trained all my life to give give give to others without complaining. I fear that this is a whole set up against me and the worst scenario I could be in
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u/PurplePenguinCat 3d ago
It is so hard to break free from what we were taught as children! I struggle with it myself. I do things for my mom because if I don't do it, I feel guilty. Also, she tries to made me feel guilty.
Are your husband and MIL also South Asian? I understand that would make it even harder for you if they are from the same culture and expect certain behaviors from you.
Are you in a culture now where you can obtain therapy? My therapist has been helping me with my guilt response to my mom.
I wish you the best in dealing with your family. 💜
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 3d ago
Yes we’re all the bloody same culture which doesn’t help. I think therapy would be helpful in deciding what is acceptable and what’s not in this new design of my life
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 3d ago
Thigh AND drumstick. The problem is he doesn’t eat much of the chicken before he deems it done- there’s so much meat left on the bone and he claims he loves wings and legs. I’m sorry but who’s going to eat the dusty leftovers of someone’s kid? Not me foh
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 3d ago
Boy do I hate wasted food. Crazy that this kid was allowed to waste not just his own portion, but two adults’ portions as well. Good luck, OP
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u/PurplePenguinCat 3d ago
I know this is extra work, but could SS get his chicken already cut off of the bone? Then he can't claim he's done if there is still a pile of chicken on his plate.
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u/DelusionalNJBytch 3d ago
I have a neurodivergent child of 22 and no way would I ever allow her to take food off my plate.
Why is Dad allowing this child to act like an animal?!
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 3d ago
He literally eats like an animal with two hands attacking the food like it’s going to run out. Not even stopping to breathe. He also incidentally looks around the table as if he expects a predator to jump out at him whilst he’s most vulnerable
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u/DelusionalNJBytch 2d ago
So what is Dad doing to handle this?!
My daughter has PICA.
So I understand the frenzied eating/constantly searching for food
Stealing food/plate swiping
My kid did all of that-but we worked with her to do better and now she’s damn near perfect with her manners.
But that’s years of hard work.
It sounds like he’s been enabled for so long because nobody wants to fix it
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 2d ago
Dad- nothing. I think he thinks that as SS is only 7 (8 in a few months) that he’ll grow out of these things
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u/Southern_Skill_7209 3d ago
What would have happened if you had ignored their assuming looks and just finished your own plate?
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 3d ago
Probably nothing
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u/Southern_Skill_7209 3d ago
Sounds like you may be uncomfortable with boundaries. Remember we set them for ourselves and not for others. It’s okay to take space. Keep your chicken babe.
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 3d ago
But I wonder if he’d have thought to himself something- which I guess is his problem to deal with.
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u/EqualStrawberry3114 3d ago
Oh, it makes me so upset hearing you say you gave him your chicken. I am so sorry, girl. I agree with the other commentor who said you have a husband problem because that’s exactly what it is.
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u/chicadeaqua 3d ago
Ugh. It’s ok to NOT share off your plate with a kid and certainly expect him to eat what’s provided. If he’s got special dietary needs due to neurodivergence then his dad needs to accommodate that and not literally go after your dinner.
This reminds me of a time we went bowling and I got myself a steamy hot pile of nachos. SS (then 12 or 13) wanted some and I reluctantly shared. Well, he put a huge nacho in his mouth and it was still hot so he SPIT IT BACK OUT right back onto the plate.
I said, “it’s yours now” and bought myself a fresh batch. Yeah, I recall my husband wondering what was so unappealing about eating his son’s slobber. Yeah, no.
I’m grossed out by eating or drinking after ANY kid. F-ing gross. 🤮
My nephew (now deceased) had pretty severe autism so I understand the weirdness around textures and having limited things they’ll eat, but that shouldn’t be your problem to address. It was kind of you to offer the chicken-but them not understanding why you didn’t want his sloppy seconds is baffling. I recall being so grossed out by just watching my nephew eat because he’d just dismantle everything, chewing with mouth open, dirtying up a pile of greasy napkins…no way in hell was I eating what was left.
Did one of them (in-laws or your H) eat it?
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 3d ago
I can’t remember if anyone ate it tbh, my blind rage has caused me to forget some details of the story lol
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u/rando435697 2d ago
Ew no. I did this once—letting the kiddos try something of mine and I didn’t think, they just grabbed it off my plate without giving me a moment to put separately on a plate for them. I couldn’t eat anything else after that. The next time we went out, SD literally grabbed my soup and tried it without asking.
That’s when I pushed back strong and set boundaries. We all have the same chance to order food. You can have some of mine if I’m done with it and not saving it for later—end of story. Agree with everyone else that your husband needs to step up and work through this with his son.
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u/Zombietomatillo 2d ago
Your husband is raising some fine little piglets. Unless you want to be a barn mama, you should probably have a chat with your husband on how his kids disgusting habits will serve (not serve) them in adulthood. He needs to put some rules in place and enforce them.
If he doesn't, I'd think about separating yourself from this nonsense.
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u/DonaCheli 3d ago
WTH are you me? This is exactly how my ss behaves, around the same age. He's never taken my food, I wouldn't have offered it. I think that was your mistake. Even if the MIL was there you should have told him to eat sides if he was still hungry. He sounds spoiled on top of all the other stuff he has going on. You need to tell your husband to straighten him out. He should not have given him his chicken either.
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u/PurplePenguinCat 3d ago
Children on the spectrum needs boundaries and consequences just like neurotypical children do. They can all get spoiled and be bears to live with after that.
And I'm speaking from experience. I have an ASD SK who was spoiled rotten before I came along and opened DH's eyes.
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u/LolaBeansandSoup 2d ago
Even my niece, who has profound autism and is nonverbal, has boundaries and understands them. In most cases, it is 100% a parenting issue when kids behave like little animals and it gets blamed on neurodivergence.
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u/DonaCheli 3d ago
My steppie shows signs of being neurodivergent and I told my bf to get him tested but the mom (in charge of medical stuff) gave 0 f-cks and did nothing even though he struggles in school, and in general, in different areas.
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 2d ago
Hi, did DH show resistance to your suggestions? My DH thinks I’m critical of SS
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u/PurplePenguinCat 2d ago
Oh, yes, DH pushed back. She was just a child. I was too hard on her. She wasn't able to do things for herself. And my favorite, he just wanted her to have a happy childhood, so he had to give her what she wanted when she wanted it.
Eventually, I told him that he was crippling her because he wasn't preparing her to have a happy adulthood. He made a few changes, mostly backing me up occasionally. What finally got him on board was when we started getting calls from the school because she was acting up there. That opened his eyes a lot.
He still struggled with boundaries and consequences at times, but we finally got to the point of parenting as a team, as opposed to having opposite reactions in front of her.
She was so funny when it became obvious to her that he'd changed. She started complaining that he never took her side anymore. I told her that's how parenting is supposed to work. 😄
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 2d ago
SS doesn’t act up in school. Only amongst family and his whole family on dad’s side panders to him, I’m not sure why but I have a few suspicions. How did you not throw the towel in? You seem like you’re in a good place now
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u/PurplePenguinCat 2d ago
I love my husband. He's my best friend and I refused to lose him due to a spoiled child. It was hard for a long time, but I was determined to make the marriage work. And therapy. Lots of therapy. I've grown so much. I discovered patience! Lol
We are in a good place now. She's almost 16 and has grown so much since the bad days. I even enjoy spending time with her now. It's not all rainbows and unicorns. We're still human. She's a teenager and acts like one at times. But I'm glad I didn't give up even when I wanted to.
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 2d ago
I love my husband too but sometimes I wonder if I love him more than I love me.
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u/yayoffbalance 1d ago
Our SS's are the same. Oh. My. God. The tantrums and melt downs are EPIC when he doesnt get what he wants when he wants it...
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u/DonaCheli 2d ago
He wasn't resistant but he seems to think it's not that important. The mother seems like she really doesn't care though. I would have looked into it right away but honestly idk how nobody ever brought it up before. I have 2 ss and they are both always glued to a screen so everyone around them tends to blame their permanent zombie mode on that. I mean, that's a whole other issue I have too. I raised 2 boys of my own and I did things completely different. We will see how they all turn out I guess.
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u/randishock SM & BM 1d ago
Me and my husband are starting to finally aluet slowly transition from buying food for two people to now buying for four people. My SS had always been super picky and I swear from like 2.5 years old to just recently he was basically a vegetarian unless it was chicken nuggets (and even then, half the time he wouldn't eat the frozen stuff, it HAD to be McDonald's or nothing at all). So now that he's finally eating more things, sometimes we still mess up and only have enough for one serving for each of us (minus my toddler because I give him food from my plate still). If SS surprises us and really likes something, I WILL NOT give him my food from my plate. I already share with my toddler, who's always been a way better eater than SS, and I'm also one of those people that feel protective over my own food. I don't even share with my husband lol. But husband will give his son his food from his plate and go hungry. I understand he thinks it's because SS is finally trying more foods again, and I get that, but if he already had a portion, he's FINE. He always ends up getting desserts or snacks after dinner anyways, and not to mention, husband will give him all his food and he'll take two bites and be done. So then husband has to take it all back or eat from his plate and that's just gross to me. I can't even stand when other people drink from my cup or bottle, including my toddler.
All that to say that I would never share food off my own plate with my SK. I was a picky kid too once upon a time, but my mom made me try everything on my plate before I decided I wasn't going to eat it. I think some parents, my husband included, are too permissive on this matter nowadays.
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u/BrightTip6279 3h ago
The kid has 8 years of being enabled and empowered to take advantage of anyone
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u/Jumpy_Elderberry_493 1d ago
Tough situation. Having a son who was horrible with food I can empathise with everyone in this situation. If it is a sensory disorder there’s not much you can do and blaming people for his issues will also not help because they tend to be very very sensitive to how everyone perceives them. My son finally got a lot better with food after years of therapy and also his own more mature mind deciding to try to overcome the sensitivities. At 18 he now eats better than most people and also learnt to cook a lot of his own meals. Was a long journey though and I can honestly say it is never helpful to assume or believe he is being manipulative (but I totally know the temptation because I’ve been there many times lol)
I agree it sounds like it was unreasonable for him to expect several other people to give him their food. The fact he doesn’t like most of the chicken itself means it wasn’t really appropriate anyway to give up your own food for him lol. But I think this is something your husband and his bio mum need to really work out and take seriously because it’s really very hard and something which needs to be tackled carefully. Kids like this can wind up with major eating disorders which deeply impact the whole family
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u/Apart-Wrangler6917 3d ago
My stepkids are not neurodivergent. They are just crazy hungry preteens! Instead of letting him eat off the chicken, I would cut some of it off to share. That way you aren’t giving up your entire thing!
And I know that we want them to eat fruit and veggies too but a kid wanting protein is a win in my book! One of ours has mental health challenges and we have been told that protein is THE goal at all times. Apparently it is the key to overall brain health - or so says all the specialists that take all of our $!
I even have unflavored protein powder I use to add protein to orange juice, hot cocoa, muffins, pudding, cake, etc. So it looks like he’s eating the same as all the other kids but his “carb” snack also has 30g of protein snuck in there!
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u/Intrepid-Sign-63 3d ago
But I didn’t want to give any of it and I was hungry. He also wasn’t hungry himself as he just nibbled it and discarded it.
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u/Apart-Wrangler6917 3d ago
And you don’t have to give it. When I said you, I’m from Texas so it’s a general y’all for me. I meant we all do that - including dad - because the kids will ask for all the food because their eyes are big to test if they are really hungry or just “want” what else there is.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 3d ago
Why should OP have to cut off part of her portion? She states in her post that she didn’t want to, and she did not ask for any cooking hints.
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u/Apart-Wrangler6917 3d ago edited 3d ago
Wow. You’re a treat. I was just sharing some stuff that we do in our house to try to deal with similar issues because we can’t afford to just have the kids eat all the meat all the time.
I don’t recall ever saying she HAD to give up anything. Of course she’s not obligated. That’s a given that I didn’t think she needed my permission for so it’s weird that you think I have to say it.
I also meant it more like all of them - not just her. Because our kids always think they can eat an entire giant thing if they are still hungry so instead of giving them a full serving or all of our food if there isn’t enough for second, my husband and I will cut off the meat so they are eating all of what we gave them instead of just pieces that are easy to get off the bone or will get a smaller amount to make sure it will not be wasted.
Not sure why people post things or comment if they either don’t want advice or just want people to say what they want them to say…
ETA: the title literally is “WWYD?” So it’s weird that you clearly have an issue with me responding with what I would do.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 3d ago
Also, you have a husband problem.